The Fat Head
Vol. STD, Iss. 1,00,00,0.4 | Tuesday, April 2, 2012
Faculty
The Once-Yearly Parody Newspaper
of The College of William and Mary
Fatheadz.cum | Follow the leader.....
apocobricks
Canakis campaign caught in hand jobfor-vote scandal Committee plans sanctions, STD testing by kaveh sadoifhkjdfnadjslfhasdu fat head chief correspondent
In an Student Assembly election plagued by instances of rule violations, failed complaint and allegations of bribery for the campaigns of Dallen “The Hammer” McNerney ’14, Noah Kim ’13, Grace “Come at me bro” Colby ’13, Curt “Pretty boy” Mills ’13, and Dalpert ’13, the campaign of Andrew Canakis ’13 is finally embroiled in a bribery scandal of its own, after Canakis was accused of offering “expert” handjobs in exchange for votes. Canakis, who wrote a series of misogynistic and controversial sex columns for The Flat Hat in early 2010, articles whch included tips on how to avoid “grenades” and one which indicated “a hand job is a man’s job,” ran for the presidency of the SA and – until today – was one of the only campaigns not maligned by allegations of electoral malfeasance. The program, referred to internally as “Hands for Fans” was discovered by Fat Head journalists after leaked emails showed that Canakis attempted to sway voters with his professional quality handies, in blatant violation of SA election code 61.7 on “Bribery in the form of Manual Sexual Stimulation,” measures passed after the controversial 2008 election. The review board has indicated that Cankis should have “blown or gone home.”
bitchesn shyt / THE FAT HEAD
All these people ran for SA president. Who cares???
Reveley: Just burn it all, burn it College president swears to ‘dismantle this unholy place brick by brick’ BY harry pottah fat head twamp-In-Chief
College President Tayor Reveley’s ambitious plan to “dismantle this unholy place brick by brick” and “scatter what remains like so many ashes in the wind” is already well underway, College spokesperson Brian Whitson reported. “We’ve already started pulling up brick by Jamestown North, and I’m sure everyone has noticed the destruction of random fields of grass by construction equipment,” reported Whitson, smiling proudly. The measure to annihilate this monstrosity of a College and replace it with a hopefully barren and lifeless landscape came about after last semester’s viral video sensation which showed William and Mary students storming Swem Library like rabid, frothing Black Friday shoppers. “When I saw that video,” Reveley told The Fat Head last December, “I could taste blood in my mouth and the rage inside me. Much like the noble Dr. Frankenstein, I realized I must destroy this, my creation, with my own bare hands lest it destroy this world.” Reveley was later seen personally ripping up bricks outside Monroe Hall in a fit of rage on the way to a Board of Visitors meeting. At that meeting, he showed the perturbed Board the video, of students,
FUQ DAT SHIT / YE OLDE FATTUS HEAD
If you don’t think this place is full of TWAMPS, just look at this photo. Quidditch??? This shit is serious. No joke.
gnashing at the teeth to try to get a study room so they could avoid showering for days, toppling other students in the hope of claiming a single space, and
carrying sleeping bags with no sense of shame at all. The disgusted board immediately voted to “Burn it down. Just… Burn it all down.”
Social awkwardness even more prevalent than feared BY dicken cheyney fat Head bitchapotomas
Approximately 80 percent of the student body at the College of William and Mary may be suffering from undiagnosed Social Awkwardness Disorder, according to a study released by the National Institute of Health. Social Awkwardness Disorder, or SAD, is characterized by continual public shoe-gazing, extreme reticence among members of the opposite sex and compulsive avoidance of casual conversation. When sufferers do engage in social activities, they often do so only as members of study groups or teams that practice fictional sports. About 2 percent of the national population is believed to suffer from SAD, with the numbers a bit elevated among teenagers. But the prevalence of the disease at the College, which NIH researchers discovered while visiting as part of an unrelated campus lecture series, is being called an epidemic. “Walking around campus, it was as if the descriptions in my med school psych text books were being personified,” research team leader Don Sinclair said. “Nearly every single student I attempted
greeks
to engage displayed undisputable symptoms of SAD. The numbers were shocking; I would not expect this pervasiveness even if every student at William and Mary had been homeschooled in Arkansas.” Reporters were not able to successfully interview any potential SAD students due to their refusal to make eye contact. SAD sufferers often fetishize about events normal individuals consider trivial, a quality Sinclair observed among students hunkered down in front of Swem computers with good luck charms and nonperishable food items days before their registration periods opened. He noted that a few students were even wearing adult diapers, presumably so as not to risk losing their territory. Numerous hypotheses have been proposed to explain how the SAD population of the College has grown so tremendously and yet gone undetected for so long. Parents protective of their SAD children likely pretend that nothing is amiss while the kids are growing up and encourage them to apply to the College when it is time to leave high school, since they will be less likely to stand out there than at a more typical institution. Once at the school, SAD students are often able to hide
bullshit
their hermit-like symptoms with the alibis of pollen allergies and having to study. One researcher, Sarah Smith, believes it can be explained by a combination of mislabeling and natural selection. “The College seems to celebrate what it calls its culture of ‘quirkiness,’ which is in fact, of course, a high concentration of what is colloquially known as ‘weirdness,’” Smith said. “In a strange reversal of typical public health patterns, the presence of SAD on campus has not been stigmatized, but rather honored to a degree that actually ostracizes individuals who exhibit normal behavior. As years pass and increasing numbers of SAD people inhabit the campus, fewer and fewer students with normal social skills are attracted to the College. It’s a vicious cycle.” While they agree it is an unprecedented phenomenon, medical professionals have not reached a consensus about how to address the problem. The prognosis seems grim, but Sinclair offered a hopeful note. “Maybe it’s nice that all these SAD kids have found each other,” he mused. “It creates a sense of camaraderie. Like in a leper colony.”
breaking newz
Exiled greek orgs launch College addresses controversial Virginia Informer history of Disney’s ‘John Carter’ scores impossible to a fleet of 1,000 ships Historically awful movie flick causes College to respond get interview with former editor BY broah kim fat head greek
And those of Unit K, The Sigma Chis, who dwelt beyond the Units J through L; these bros were led by Broseph Joe and the little of valiant Hassand, dear to Bros, who quarrelled with his Big, and went to settle in Laffayette Avenue. With him there came 40 ships. Greggles led the brave Theta Delts, who held Unit C, with its dumpster, and portions of the Ludwell Apartment complex in the region of Seven Hundred. These were led by Bane, peer of Ned’s Younger Brother in counsel, and with him there came 12 ships. Phi Tau, which dwelt in Various locations around off campus including Lafayette, Griffin, and Armistead Avenue, for the great bro king Oeneus had now no littles, and was himself graduating, as was also golden-haired Meleager, who had been set over the Phi Taus to be their chapter president for the time being. And with Phi Tau there came 40 ships. The famous pong player Frat Scott led the ATO’s, who held portions of Ludwell, and that house on Lafayette that the online editor of this Fat Head has been permabanned from. All these were led by Frat Scott, and by Kai, peer of Flip Cup champ Stevie. And with these there came 80 ships.
Incest News Insight News News Opinions Variety Variety Sports
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
WEATHER
BY barack obama fat head prez
The College Of William and Mary announced today that it planned to address the College’s controversial history of involvement with Disney’s new film, John Carter. “The College of William and Mary wants to take concrete steps toward reconciliation,” College President Taylor Reveley said. “While I know the generations of hurt by our involvement with the production of John Carter can never be forgotten, nor can the $200 million projected loss of the film’s failure ever be recompensed, we hope our involvement in this flop can be understood and interpreted now.” The film, which has been regarded as anything from “a tragic failure” to “a war crime” by critics, contained a single scene where the nephew of the title character
receives word of his uncle’s death while studying at William and Mary. “I am so sorry that I, or any of my predecessors, allowed this abomination to take place here,” Reveley said.
It was a super hard-hitting exclusive, as usual BY shady joe fat head drug dealer
haha yeah / THE FAT HEAD
Yeah seriously, hfjdkshfjksdhfjdsfjkdshfjdshfjkdshfjhdsjkfhjsdkhfds, hcdschsdjahfsdjkfhsd fdsf.
super boring opinions
CAMPUS FOOD SUCKS OMG
...and so does parking. omg. and the SA sucks. omg. and twamps suck too. yeah. everything sucks. page 9 and 3/4
Sportz r kool
In a stunning piece of independent journalism, The Virginia Informer scored the juciest interview of the year with its former executive editor Curt Mills. The Informer spilled the interesting details of its interview in its groundbreaking question and answer style. The interview, which was HARD-HITTING and very hard to get, asked the tough questions: “Are you great, or are the greatest?” and “What makes you and your vice-president a great team” and “What are your plans for this summer?” Two of which were actual real questions.
Curling is a real sport
William and Mary’s semi-pro club junior varsity curling club competes in the national championships in Timbucktu. page ????
newzinsightz “
The Fat Head | Tuezday, April 2, 2012 | hahfuckd
THE SCUZZ
All The NewZ that’s unfit to print
Victoria’s Secret has announced the creation of a new line of women’s lingerie aimed at undergraduate co-eds, to be called Universititties. Bras will come in three different sizes: Orientation, The Freshman 15, and Sophomore SlimDown. Each size will also be available with Date Party Pushup inserts. Although the company said it plans to make the spiritwear underwear available in campus stores across the country and to incorporate school colors from every single American university, experts predict that female students will only ever be able to find Virginia Tech patterns, even in locations such as Williamsburg, Va.
“
THE PULZE
Newz editah Tricky Dick boozehoundz@fatheadnews.com
I’m looking for a dime, that’s top of the line, cute face, slim waist, with a big behind. You want this money? Then you gotta be a bad bitch. —Vice President of Student Affairs Ginger Ambler ’88, PhD ’06, BBQ ’12
BEYOND THE ‘BURGZ
In anticipation of Earth Day later this month, college fraternity chapters across the country have independently started adopting recycling as their April cause of choice. Chapter presidents chalk the phenomenon up to a new collective consciousness and interest in environmental sustainability. “I don’t know why it has taken us so long to realize how suited our organizations are to promoting recycling,” Billy Broson, president of Sigma Pi at Eastern Montana State College, said. “We deal with more aluminum and glass than any other group on campus, and it’s in our interest to ensure that these vital resources are renewed and made available for future use.” Radio pundit Rush Limbaugh accused the Obama Administration Wednesday of lacing university water supplies with ground up birth control pills in order to facilitate promiscuity among female students. Citing in-depth personal research, Limbaugh asserted that the average woman on a college campus engages in sexual activities approximately six times per day, such as “jogging in public” and “eating yogurt suggestively.” “The only explanation as to why all of those trashy girls running around in sports bras aren’t pregnant is that the government is force-feeding them Plan B,” Limbaugh said. In other news, Limbaugh was arrested Saturday at West Virginia University after trying to lure a female student into his van with a six-pack of Yoplait.
A THOUSAND WORDS
All numbers in Student Housing lottery pretty shitty, all things considered The student housing lottery, an yearly clusterfuck during which students are routinely and systematically screwed by a callous administration and a mendacious RHA, is due to take place this week, guaranteeing that an inordinate number of students will be forced to fend for themselves among a field of predatory landlords, disheveled and dangerous properties -or even worse -- be guaranteed housing in any number of mediocre, dilapidated, and moldy dorms. “I got a really good number this year,” said one student, who will fight her peers for the most desirable housing. This incudes the new Tribe Square housing, which is immediately on top of several loud bars and reeks of freshly applied paint even a year after its completion, the Lodges, which are cramped and aging heavily, or the Jamestown dorms, where elevators are frequently urinated in. As for bumped students, the closest affordable housing is in a local Richmond slum. COURTESY PHOTO / XXXFUNXXX.COM
Shippenburg University in Pennsylvania is under increased scrutiny by the Food and Drug Administration for the Plan B pills easily accesible on its campus.
Dean Gilbert purchases expensive hydroponic system Dean of Students David Gilbert recently invested in an expensive hydroponic watering system, which he claims is for the indoor cultivation of “like tomatoes and shit” in the Dean’s attic. Recently intercepted by the Fat Head exiting the Bamboo forest reeking of cloves, Gilbert elaborated that the purchase was because he “had an interest in like vegetables” and not for the cultivation of any illegal or contraband materials. Gilbet claimed that to his knowledge his monstrously high electric bill did not qualify as probable cause, and to acknowledge severe allergies that have left his eyes a permanent cherry red. Maxim names Williamsburg “Least Sexy Place,” edging out Cleveland While Maxim famously noted that Williamsburg’s Gooch St. was America’s sexiest street (haha we get it........)
Maxim also recently named that Williamsburg is the “Least Sexy Place in America.” Cleveland finished a distant second. Maxim Editor-in-Chief Bill Blowhard claimed that the selection committee was struck by Williamsburg’s high population of wrinkly residents, doughy turists and generally unattractive College of William and Mary students. Sophomore caught wearing Snuggie in public A sophomore made a grave mistake Wednesday in Williamsburg. Sophomore Joe Blow ran into the street near the Bryan Complex in his Blue Cloud Snuggie. blow claimed that he was sleepwalking, but fellow Bryan residents have disputed his claim. “Nah, he’s always wearing that thing,” one sophomore who wished not to be named said. “I went in one day to ask to use his printer and there he is, watching the Disney Channel in his Snuggie.”
BAD BOYZ, WHATCHA GONNA DO
Feb. 30 to July 14 1 THOMAS JEFFERSON / the FAT HEAD
2
CORRECTIONZ The Fat Head does not wish to correct any facts printed incorrectly. Corrections may not be submitted by email to the editor of the section in which the incorrect information was printed. We don’t make any mistakes bitch, so just shove it.
3
The The FFatlatHead Hat
4
‘TWAMPS R US’ | ESTABLISHED FEB. 30, 1492 ‘STABILITAS ET FIDES’ | ESTABLISHED OCT. 3, 1911
5
69 Confusion Corner, Cupboard Under the Stairs, 123456 Newsroom (555) 867-5309 — of Advertising haha we are broke, actually 25 Campus Center, The College William Dept. and Mary, Williamsburg, Va. 23185
Monday, Jan. 30 — A pair of bikes were caught stealing from the Wawa. An employee was quoted as saying, “Shitbitch. I am sick of students stealing my shit.” Monday, Jan. 30 — A bike reported that his bike was stolen on the 400 block of Richmond Rd. Seriously. Thursday, Feb. 2 — A bike was arrested for being drunk in public while carrying a large pepperoni pizza (only $8.99 at Channello’s!) by a hungry cop. Sunday, Feb. 5 — A student was arrested oustide of Wawa for yelling, “Everyone can go blow themselves because I’m bad as fuck.” Sunday, Feb. 5 — Taylor Reveley was stopped for going 55 mph in a 54 mph zone. He showed his succulent bits and got out of the ticket.
Newsroom (757) 221-3283 — Advertising Dept. (757) 221-3283 / ads@flathatnews.com Editor bigcheese@fatheadnews.com Opinions dalpert@fatheadnews.com News Editor importantthangz@fatheadnews.com Variety fillerandfluff@fatheadnews.com Opinions opinions@flathatnews.com editor@flathatnews.com Sports cheerleaderz@fatheadnews.com Photos saycheese@fatheadnews.com Variety variety@flathatnews.com News news@flathatnews.com Photos photos@flathatnews.com Sports sports@flathatnews.com
Jilly Beanz Mike BarnesHipster-in-Chief Editor-in-Chief Cartman Beagle Enthusiast — Jill KD Found Harry potter, omg Editor Becky Koenig Managing Editor — Executive
Ellie Kaufman Chief Staff Writer
KChigz J-Sayin’ WassupppNews Var-i-ah-tayy Katherine Chiglinsky Editor Caspari SunNews Var-i-ah-tee Vanessa Remmers Editor World THEEditor BEST. HaileyChampion Arnold Variety BrooklynKatie unghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Demeria Variety Editor Deep Thinker Jared Aristotle Foretek Sports Editor
Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong :) Mrs. Right Corrections Officer Elizabeth DeBusk Opinions Editor Say Cheese! Potatoes Editor Stephanie Hubbard Copy Chief We ShootHoptay People Copy PhotoChief Editor Katherine j. beibs. Gabro Porno Surfer Michelle Photo Editor CuervoHickey Tipsy Driver Walter Online Editor Aloof McAlooferton Chief Staff Writer
Fat Head 2012 Contributors Walter Hickey Becky Koenig Mike Barnes
Street Beat-off
What is your advice for freshmen?
“Don’t ask what kind of white sauce is in the white pizza.” Liz Hornfield ’12
“I don’t always give advice to freshmen, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.” Sean Connery ’13
“Sleep with one eye open.” Claire Buzzsad ’13
“If you haven’t tried smoking weed, start now.”
Nate Cannabis ’13
SPORTS // Tribe tames Towson Tigers , p. 10
Vol. 101, Iss. 43 | Tuesday, April 3, 2012
The Flat Hat The Twice-Weekly Student Newspaper
Student Assembly
of The College of William and Mary
Flathatnews.com | Follow us:
complaints
‘predator’
honesty
six tickets
bY katherine chiglinsky and ellie kaufman Flat hat news editor and chief staff writer
Eighteen complaints, four sanctions and three appeals tainted the six tickets vying for Student Assembly president last month. A new crop of student representatives will enter the SA under a code rife with ambiguities made evident during the campaign season. “Between the number of tickets running and how much people were going looking for violations, it was an election that has brought to light how many flaws are in the SA Code,” SA President Kaveh Sadeghian ’12 said. A proposed elections review committee in the SA Senate would begin to investigate a host of ambiguities in the SA Code.
The Elections Commission
An Elections Commission, meant to be appointed by the SA Executive Branch, managed the election, organizing mandatory
‘integrity’
information sessions, handling complaints of violations of the SA Code, and preparing a debate for the candidates. According to the SA Code, the SA President appoints the Chair and four other members to the Elections Commission. Due to a claimed conflict of interest, however, Sadeghian removed himself from the role and SA Vice President Molly Bulman ’12, along with other members of the Executive Branch, appointed the Elections Commission. “I intentionally distanced myself from appointing an Elections Commission,” Sadeghian said. “Molly dealt a lot more with the elections. I just wanted to keep clear of a conflict of interest. I wanted to keep it as clean as possible.” The Executive Branch of the SA posted a notice on Student Happenings for an Elections Commission Chair, hoping to gain outside perspective into the campaign process. Tanuja Potdar ’13 was selected as chair of the Elections Commission. She had no prior experience with the SA. Potdar was unavailable to comment before press time.
door-to-door
‘unfair’
libel
outsiders
review board
SA election raises concerns about Code clarity, prompts review of election policy
slander
bribery
violations
SA Code
reform
Student Assembly
what went accountability apathy ‘targeted’ wrong? election commission
Many candidates felt that the lack of SA experience was disadvantageous to the Elections Commission. Three commission members were freshmen and one was a sophomore. “The Elections Commission was picked very last minute, and a lot of them weren’t quite sure of their duties,” former SA presidential candidate Dallen McNerney ’14 said. “They were completely in the dark at first, but it worked out.” Former SA presidential candidate Noah Kim ’13 agreed but felt that the lack of experience was more of a fault within the SA than within the Elections Commission. “I don’t think anyone can fault Tanuja for not being prepared enough by people with prior experience,” Kim said. Potdar stepped down for personal reasons three days before the election. Sadeghian then appointed Bulman as interim Elections Commission Chair. “[Tanuja] stepped down because she was sick. It really had See reform, page 5
LGBTQ
Panel of students and religious leaders call for tolerance
Students and religious leaders discussed relations between LGBTQ community and religious ideologies BY chase hopkins flat hat assoc. news editor
What is currently a divisive issue on the national political, religious and social scene was a topic of open discussion between members of the LGBTQ community and religious leaders who gathered for a panel discussion in Morton Hall Thursday. Panelists from different communities were united in their call for tolerance and acceptance of the LGBTQ community. For one student member of the panel, it was not until he attended the College of William and Mary that he was able to find the acceptance for which
Index News Insight News Opinions Variety Variety Sports Sports
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
he longed. Alex Cooper ’13 discussed his experience growing up in the South as a Christian who questioned the stance many religious communities take in simply ignoring issues of sexuality, rather than confronting the often explosive issue. “Being raised in the church, it was not something anyone talked about. … Baptists still do not really talk about it,” Cooper said. “I found the community at [the College] has really Kerr strengthened my religious views, and having me connect
Today’s Weather
Sunny High 71, Low 56
with a faith tradition on campus was very important to me when I came here. … People here are very welcoming and accepting.” Other student panelists compared Cooper’s experience with the experience of young Muslims who question Islamic views on nonheterosexual relationships, which are often even more staunchly defined than those of Southern churches. “I would talk about it in my experience growing up while going to a mosque, but, honestly, it never came up because it was one of those things that Islam was so blatantly against,” Mohamed Aboulatta ’13 said. “I am nothing but supportive for people
doing what they want to do.” Representatives from an Episcopal Church, Temple Beth El synagogue, a United Methodist Church, a Unitarian Universalist Church, the Baptist Student Association and the Sequeria Muslim Students Association reinforced their personal, if not professional, support of all persons of faith regardless of their sexual orientation or gender interpretation. “I bet that if you were looking for a common thread among us all here, it is that everyone of us wants everyone
Inside opinions
Navigating the job market
Finding a job after college is going to be a struggle, and students must accept this in order to succeed. page 6
Inside VARIETY
we work with to grow spiritually into who they are and that all [sexuality] distinctions disappear under that general rule,” Episcopal Chaplain to the Faculty, Staff and Students of the College of William and Mary John Maxwell Kerr said. “I think what matters is who you are, where you are going, and that no one should stomp on you.” Many of the panelists emphasized their belief love on which their religions were founded have led them to conclude that any hostile tone toward LGBTQ people falls outside the moral guidelines of their faiths. See panel, page 5
Ethical Fashion Week
Students in the Sharpe Scholars class emphasized the power of individual action in improving the living conditions of workers and farmers. page 8
newsinsight “
The Flat Hat
| Tuesday, April 3, 2012 | Page 4
THE BUZZ
All The News that’s unfit to print
According to The Washington Post, Virginia is reconsidering how it administers solitary confinement at the state’s super-maximum security prison, Red Onion State Prison, where 500 inmates, including some with mental illnesses, are kept in an isolation cell 23 hours per day with minimal bathing and recreational time. The state is planning on appointing a team of experts to examine each prisoner and design personalized plans for rehabilitation.
“
THE PULSE
News Editor Katherine Chiglinsky Associate News Editor Ariel Cohen Associate News Editor Meredith Ramey fhnews@gmail.com
Coming in as an outsider, I was not expecting to be welcomed with open arms ... I think right from the beginning all of these kids were after each other. It was like prey vs. predator. —Former SA Presidential candidate Andrew Canakis ‘13 on the SA election
BEYOND THE ‘BURG
Colonial Williamsburg opened a rebuilt public armory and blacksmith shop this past Saturday. The organization tore down the previous version of the armory in hopes of constructing a model more faithful to historical documents and archaeological research. “History is a moving target, and as time goes on we’re always getting more precise,” Garland Wood, Colonial Williamsburg’s master carpenter, said to the Williamsburg Yorktown Daily. Even though a Virginian didn’t win the big Mega Millions jackpot, Virginia public schools still walked away with a cool $22 million in profit from the ticket sales, according to The Associated Press. Schools weren’t the only winners — officials say that Virginia retailers made more than $2.4 million in selling commissions. The Christopher Newport University Police Department is currently investigating a suspected meth lab in an upperclassmen residence hall. After a mysterious substance was found in one of the dorm rooms, a detective on call came with drug-sniffing dogs to find various substances and lab equipment. Investigations are still being conducted, according to the Daily Press. According to the Virginia Gazette, Virginia submitted its Phase II Chesapeake Bay Watershed Implementation Plan to the Environmental Protection Agency this past weekend. The goal is to reduce levels of nitrogen, phosphorus and sediment in the bay through reduction strategies from major pollution sources, including sewage treatment plants, urban areas and farms.
Security for Final Four celebrations University police are taking increased precautions in order to control crowds near the University of Kentucky campus while the Wildcats play for the NCAA Championship. After Kentucky beat Louisville in New Orleans, thousands of fans filled the streets for a raucous celebration that resulted in over two dozen arrests. Police used pepper spray to control the crowd, and there were no serious injuries. Several hundred officers will be out in force for Monday’s game to help keep the crowd in order.
A THOUSAND WORDS
COURTESY PHOTO / Theofficer.com
Fans celebrate after Kentucky defeated rival Louisville in Saturday’s final four game. Officers broke up the festivities and arrested over 24 individuals.
Missing student’s body found Body of missing college student Jessica Ronhock was found this past Saturday in an SUV that tumbled off a cliff in Arizona. Ronhock was a nursing student in her third year at Elmira College in upstate New York who had been traveling through Florida, Texas and Arizona at the time of her disappearance. Her friends and family suspect that she was suicidal, but there is no evidence that her death was purposeful. The death is currently being labeled as the result of a car crash. Hiring on College Campuses With the current unemployment rate hovering around 8.3 percent, unemployment among recent college graduates is 4.5 percent higher than it was a year ago. However, as the nation bounces back from the economic recession, more and more hiring firms are heading to college campuses. A survey conducted by the National Association of Colleges and Employees, or NACE, found that hiring is expected to climb 10.2 percent this year. Companies such as General Electric, Amazon, Apple and Barclays Global have ventured to colleges such as the University of North Carolina at Chapel
CITY POLICE BEAT
Hill to heavily recruit seniors and recent graduates. In recent years, undergraduate business majors full-time job offers have increased over 10 percent. High school elects white student to head BSU For the first time in the school’s history, Thomas Jefferson High School elected a white student as president of its Black Student Union. As a public magnet school located in Alexandria, Virginia, Thomas Jefferson typically attracts many Hispanic and African American students. But, in the last year, only 34 of the 1,800 students were African American. Senior Michael Wattendorf, the current BSU president, first became interested in BSU as a sophomore when a friend on the track team taught him step dance. Many students are upset about the election of Caucasian senior Michael Wattendorf’s election to the BSU presidency, citing the appointment as evidence of the lack of diversity at the school, according to an article in the Washington Post. In contrast, some students felt that Wattendorf’s election serves as a sign of the times and demonstrates the progressive nature of the school. Despite objections, Wattendorf will continue to serve out his presidency and he hopes to increase and foster diversity at the magnet school.
Mar. 28 to Mar. 30 Mar. 28 — An individual was arrested for being 1 Wednesday, drunk in public at the 1600 block of Richmond Rd. Mar. 29 — An individual reported shoplifting 2 Thursday, liquor at the 1200 block of Richmond Rd.
Joshua hill / the FLAT HAT
CORRECTIONS
Mar. 29 — Two individuals were arrested for 3 Thursday, a noise violation at the 300 block of Cary St.
The Flat Hat wishes to correct any facts printed incorrectly. Corrections may be submitted by e-mail to the editor of the section in which the incorrect information was printed. Requests for corrections will be accepted at any time.
Mar. 29 — An individual was arrested for 4 Thursday, larceny of two bottles of alcohol and the possession of marijuana at the 100 block of Richmond Rd. Mar. 30 — An individual was reported for the 5 Friday, attempted breaking and entering of a vehicle at the 1600
The Flat Hat
block of Richmond Rd.
‘STABILITAS ET FIDES’ | ESTABLISHED OCT. 3, 1911 ‘STABILITAS ET FIDES’ | ESTABLISHED OCT. 3, 1911
25 Campus Center, The College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, Va. 23185 25 Campus Center, The College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, Va. 23185 Newsroom (757) 221-3283 — Advertising Dept. (757) 221-3283 / ads@gmail.com Newsroom (757) 221-3283 — Advertising Dept. (757) 221-3283 / ads@flathatnews.com Opinions fhopinions@gmail.com Editor flathat.editor@gmail.com Opinions opinions@flathatnews.com Variety flathat.variety@gmail.com editor@flathatnews.com Editor News fhnews@gmail.com Varietyflathatphotos@gmail.com variety@flathatnews.com Photos News flathatsports@gmail.com news@flathatnews.com Sports Photos photos@flathatnews.com Sports sports@flathatnews.com
Jill Found Editor-in-Chief Mike Barnes Editor-in-Chief Vanessa Remmers Managing Editor — Katie Demeria Executive Editor
Becky Koenig Managing Editor — Jill Found Executive Editor Ellie Kaufman Chief Staff Writer Katherine Chiglinsky News Editor Katherine Hoptay Copy Chief Abby Boyle Variety Editor Katherine News Editor SarahChiglinsky Caspari Variety Editor Vanessa Remmers News Editor Mike Barnes Sports Editor HaileyForetek Arnold Variety Jared SportsEditor Editor Katie Variety Editor EllenDemeria Wexler Opinions Editor JaredDeBusk ForetekEditorial Sports Editor Elizabeth Writer
Stephanie Hubbard Copy Chief Elizabeth DeBusk Anita Jiang PhotoOpinions Editor Editor Stephanie Hubbard Copy Chief John Lee Photo Editor Katherine Hoptay Chief Zach Hardy OnlineCopy Editor Michelle GabroChief PhotoStaff Editor Ellie Kaufman Writer Walter Hickey Online Chris McKenna ChiefEditor Staff Writer
Betsy Goldemen Copy Editor Ariel Cohen Assoc. News Editor Claire Hoffman Copy Editor Chase Hopkins Assoc. News Editor Garrett Copy Editor ArielKen Cohen Assoc. News Editor ColleenHendrickson Leonard Copy Editor Lin Assoc. News Editor Liz McGlynn Copy Editor Chase Hopkins Assoc. News Editor Lauren Becker Copy Editor Maggie Kern Assoc. News Editor Megan Meredith Megan Elmore Elmore Copy Copy Editor Editor Meredith Ramey Ramey Assoc. Assoc. News News Editor Editor Meredith Chris Weber Meredith Luze Luze Copy Copy Editor Editor Rob MartyAssoc. Assoc.Sports News Editor Editor Allison Hicks Cartoonist Natalie Ferenbach Assoc. Variety Editor Rachel Steinberg Copy Editor Chris McKenna Senior News Writer Molly BaileyChris Kirkpatrick AllisonAdair HicksCartoonist Cartoonist WeberAssoc. Assoc.Variety Sports Editor Editor Rachel Brooks Cartoonist Sophie Mason Assoc. Variety Editor Molly Adair Cartoonist Abby Boyle Assoc. Variety Editor Rachel Pulley Elliott Hay Assoc. Opinions Editor Rachel BrooksCartoonist Cartoonist Bailey Kirkpatrick Assoc. Variety Editor Nara Yoon Business Manager HarikaSarah Peddibhotla Rachel Pulley Cartoonist Caspari Assoc. Assoc. Online Variety Editor Editor Karin Krause Social Media Manager Alex Bramsen Copy Editor Alex Cooper Editorial Writer Sophie Mason Assoc. Variety Editor Patricia Radich Graphic Designer ColleenAssoc. Leonard Copy Editor Nara Yoon Business Manager Ellen Wexler Opinions Editor Noah Willard Designer Karin Krause Social Media Manager Elliott Hay Assoc. Opinions Editor Graphic Anita Jiang Assoc. Photo Editor Alex Bramsen Copy Editor
News in brief Local educator wins award
Historic inn celebrates anniversary
Moroccan musicians visit College
The College of William and Mary’s School of Education honored local educator Ben Kiser with the Jo Lynne DeMary award for leadership and contributions to the field of education at the annual Leadership Alumni Breakfast Wednesday. Kiser currently serves as the division superintendent for Gloucester County Public Schools. Kiser said that during the course of his career, he has tried to continue the relationship between the College’s School of Education and the local public school system. Jo Lynne DeMary ‘68, for whom the award is named, also attended the event. DeMary was the first woman to serve as the Commonwealth’s superintendant for public instruction.
The Williamsburg Inn celebrated its 75th birthday yesterday. The historic inn has hosted prominent guests such as former President Ronald Regan, Queen Elizabeth II, former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and child star Shirley Temple Black, among others. The inn originally served as the home of John D. Rockefeller and his wife. The inn continues to appear the way it did in the 1920s when Rockefeller began the construction of Colonial Williamsburg. When the inn first opened in 1937, a single room went for $5-$9. Today rooms cost upwards of $700. Employees will celebrate the milestone with a festive dinner and by viewing the inn’s historic artifacts.
The College of William and Mary Middle Eastern Music Ensemble hosted international musicians Nasreddine Chaabane and Amina Bensaad in a joint concert at the Williamsburg Regional Library Friday March 30th. The Moroccans are leading musicians in Oujda and have traveled with the Association Ahbab Cheikh Salah across North Africa and Europe. The pair lived as artists in residence for two weeks while teaching the ensemble a North African repertoire. Students in the ensemble as well as Anthropology Professor Jonathan Glasser’s senior seminar have been preparing for the musicians’s visit all year by studying Moroccan culture and music.
The Flat Hat
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Page 5
Academics
Former poet laureate reads personal poetry
Patrick Hayes Writers Series brings Rita Dove to the Kimball Theatre to share memories
by michael thompson the flat hat
Hearing Rita Dove’s poetry from the poet herself was, for some, an opportunity to hear a poet they idolize. For others, it was a chance to get some extra credit or simply a way to enjoy a balmy spring evening in Williamsburg. The former national and state poet laureate read and spoke about her poetry to a large audience at Kimball Theatre Thursday. “It’s great to be here. The last time I was here was probably 17 years ago,” Dove remarked before being ushered to the stage. That earlier visit holds a special place in Dove’s memory since it had a hand in inspiring her later poetry. Dove was last at the College in order to attend events celebrating civil rights activist Rosa Parks. One afternoon, Dove and her daughter sat down on a bus leaving the Williamsburg Inn, after which Parks took a seat a little ahead of them. Upon seeing Parks, Dove’s daughter turned to Dove,
saying, “We’re on the bus with Rosa Parks.” “On the Bus with Rosa Parks” would become the title of Dove’s 1999 collection of poems. Dove then read poems from throughout her body of work, including her most recent “Sonata Mulattica: Poems,” a book-length cycle of poems that deal with the life of an African-Polish virtuoso violinist named George Bridgetower. Other poems touched on a variety themes, such as the Great Migration and the strange magic of libraries, written in a wide array of poetic forms, including the villanelle and the prose-poem. The closing lines of her poem “Used” seemed fitting for younger members in the crowd: “Enough of guilt … It’s hard work staying cool.” The poem also offered words for the more experienced members of the audience, however: “Tabula rasa. No slate’s that clean.” “We are very happy that she [Dove] finally found the time to come to Williamsburg and William and Mary,” Henry Hart, poet and Mildred and J.B. Hickman professor of English and Humanities, said.
becky koenig / THE FLAT HAT
Former poet laureate Rita Dove spoke to an audience at the Kimball Theatre about her poetry on Thursday evening.
Other than serving as the national Poet Laureate from 1993 to 1995 and Poet Laureate of the commonwealth of Virginia from 2004 to 2006, Dove also won the 1987 Pulitzer Prize for poetry. Hermine Pinson, a poet, an author, and an
associate professor of English at the College, described Dove as “one of the most celebrated poets of our time.” The free and open event was part of the College of William and Mary’s Patrick Hayes Writers Series.
LGBTQ panel discusses connection of sexuality and faith PANEL from page 1
“I think one of the basic tenants of Methodism that I appreciate so much is that when it comes to a community, we practice what is called an ‘open table’ — that anytime we have communion … everyone is welcome at the table to come and experience God’s grace in this way,”
United Methodist campus minister at the Wesley Foundation Max Blalock said. “We believe that God’s grace works and moves through all of us. The more we come together as a community to genuinely listen to one another and learn from one another, to love and support another, the more we are able to embody that grace.” Panelists also discussed the
importance of recognizing that both the spiritual journey and the process of recognizing one’s sexuality are often complicated processes of self-realization. “It is about the journey toward being who someone authentically is, and one of the few things we may be able to say about the spiritual life across tradition is that there is some element of this notion
of bringing your whole self,” Williamsburg Unitarian Universalist Director for Lifespan Faith Development Margaret Sequeira said. “For many of us, the coming out experience is an experience of deeply coming into oneself in a new way.” Panelists from the city of Williamsburg’s Jewish community also repeatedly emphasized the welcoming stance Jewish
synagogues show towards LGBTQ issues. “Here is a large degree to which [common acceptance] is the same thing — you are more often likely to find acceptance in larger cities than you are in smaller places,” Rabbi to Temple Beth El and the College’s Balfour Hillel group David Katz said. “Israel is a very LBGT friendly country.”
Student Assembly Code questioned after recent election mired with violations REFORM from page 1
nothing to do with the elections,” Bulman said. After taking over, Bulman received 18 complaints charging candidates with violating the SA Code. “In a race like this, it is tough to know who will win,” Bulman said. “Any complaint that is filed takes away time that those candidates could be campaigning to deal with the investigation, to appeal to the review board, or to potentially be suspended.”
Ambiguities in the SA Code
Bulman investigated a list of complaints ranging from accusations of double flyering, libel, door-to-door campaigning and bribery. Upon receiving complaints, Bulman investigated with the help of the commission. “For Class One through Class Three violations alike, the commissioner receives a complaint, notifies the candidate, and conducts an investigation with the testimony of that candidate,” Bulman said. “There is no time frame for when this has to be done. [The code] just says in a timely manner.” Bulman responded to all complaints within an hour of receiving them. Potdar received a complaint of slander on March 15, but the candidate accused was not notified until March 20. Former SA presidential candidates David Alpert ’13 and Kim were both sanctioned with door-todoor campaigning the day before the election. Alpert appealed the sanction, but the sanction was upheld, resulting in a 12-hour suspension. The SA Code lists “campaigning by door-to-door solicitation, as defined by College policy,” as a Class Two infraction under campaign regulations. In order to define door-to-door, College policy refers to the Residence Life manual, which further refers to procedures detailing the use of campus facilities. “I said this is what I did, and I said this hasn’t been defined,” Alpert said. “They said, ‘Alright, this is how we are defining it, and what you did was wrong.’ I am not saying I was right, and they are wrong, but why are we not asking questions here?” Kim received an identical sanction the night before the election but did not appeal. His campaign was suspended until 5:30 a.m. on election day. “I have this working knowledge, and I’ve been a big reformer of the SA Code,” Kim said. “My interpretation was an honest interpretation, not only based on an open reading of the SA Code but based on past perspective.” Class Two violations are punishable by “a suspension of active campaign privileges for a set period of time,” according to the code. Alpert’s suspension began at 5:30 p.m. before election day, but he did not appeal his case until later that evening. “Since he knocked on a closed door, we found it as a violation,” Chair of the SA Review Board David Wasserstein ’14 said. By the time Kim’s suspension was upheld, Alpert had already been suspended for six hours. Although candidates are required to refrain from actively campaigning during a suspension, questions surrounding social media activity — from links to websites, videos, Facebook profile pictures, and status updates — during a suspension still arose. “When do sanctions start? What does a suspension mean in terms of social media presence? … Especially, do you have to take your website down?” Alpert said. “That hasn’t been clarified.”
When SA President Elect Curt Mills ’13 was sanctioned for slander, later changed to libel, he received an email from the Elections Commission notifying him of the terms of his suspension. “Unfortunately, the Elections Commission had to take this into consideration and give you a 24 hours campaign ban, which will start at 7 a.m. on March 20, 2012,” the Elections Commission said in an email. “You have until 7 a.m. to make sure that all fliers are down, all profile pictures that have you two are down, your twitter is down, etc.” After receiving the notice, Mills and SA Vice President Elect Melanie Levine ’13 filed an appeal with the SA Review Board. They met with the SA Review Board at 9 a.m., two hours after their suspension began. “If we committed libel, which we didn’t, we weren’t given notice,” Mills said. A complaint was filed against McNerney for a Class Three infraction of bribery. McNerney hosted a barbeque outside of the Bryan Complex the day before the election, giving away free food. The complaint was not found to be valid, and no sanction was filed. Under Class Three infractions, the code states, “bribery of a voter shall be defined as the promise or provision of money or any tangible incentive associated with voting for a particular candidate.” However, past precedent suggested that food giveaways were acceptable. “If I had any indication that it would have been bribery, I wouldn’t have done it,” McNerney said. “We weren’t doing it specifically for a vote.” With multiple SA veterans comprising the six pairs of candidates running and an Elections Commission chaired by the current SA Vice President, past experience weighed heavily on decisions made throughout the campaign process. “There is no real record of what decisions [have] been made in the past,” Elections Commission member Katie Pietras ’15 said. “The rules aren’t very well defined.” The SA Review Board, utilized mainly during election season, handled two appeals and gave advice on various complaints. Wasserstein explained that the SA Review Board handles matters pertaining to the SA Code and recognized the lack of clarity within the code brought to light during this election. “The Code is definitely not black and white. … There’s a lot of gray area,” Wasserstein said.
Reform of the SA Code
Following the SA election, the SA senate proposed the creation of an elections review committee and the SA Presidential Runoff Act during their meeting on March 27. “It really needs to be clarified, and I am glad that there will be a special commission in the senate to clarify that language,” Bulman said. If passed, Bulman, Kim and other members of the SA will join forces to establish the SA elections review committee and focus on those parts of the Code questioned in the recent election. “[The candidates] were all hyper-aware of the SA Code,” Wasserstein said. “I think where we find all of those ambiguities in the SA Code, we need to address them.” Sen. Jimmy Zhang ’15 also sponsored the Student Assembly Presidential Runoff Act. The Act would amend the SA Code to include runoff elections for any election in which there are at least three tickets
and the top ticket fails to obtain 50 percent or more of the vote. The current system does not require a majority vote. In the most recent election, Mills defeated Alpert by 1 percent, or 36 votes. Some candidates expressed disappointment with the lack of a majority. “I don’t think that having six candidates on the ballot is a good thing because you end up with somebody winning when a majority of people didn’t vote for them, and I just feel that is not the best way to have someone elected to represent the entire student body,” former SA presidential candidate Grace Colby ’13 said. In order to improve the Elections Commission, other candidates suggested earlier selection of members and an extended training period for potential Elections Commission members. “It is one of those things where you have a job for two weeks in Sept. and two weeks in March, so you are not doing anything, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be appointed earlier, and you can use those intervening six months to get prepared,” Alpert said. A general lack of organization also plagued the election. On election day, Sadeghian failed to add the referendum questions previously agreed upon in an SA senate meeting. He admitted the mishap was a personal mistake and plans to send them out in a campus-wide email in the coming weeks. Many candidates expressed that better overall organization within the election process could benefit all involved, especially before the campaign season begins. “If we had more time before elections, we might have been able to hash out some things beforehand,” McNerney said. For many candidates, the election exposed flaws in the SA’s influence on campus in general. “I have no regrets in calling out people publicly for not showing up to meetings or doing what they’ve been elected to do,” Kim said. “The negative element of that is when the student body’s perception of the SA is that apathy is a problem, it breeds this image that SA’s not an effective body. Then the student body doesn’t get involved.”
“It’s Politics”
Six potential presidential candidates does not suggest apathy regarding involvement in student government, but it does breed an atmosphere of tense competition. Andrew Canakis ’13 was the only presidential candidate who had never served in the SA before. “Coming in as an outsider, I was not expecting to be welcomed with open arms,” Canakis said. “I think right from the beginning all of these kids were after each other. It was like prey versus predator.” Alpert noticed heightened student interest in this year’s campaign, which was evident in the increased competition. “I think people picked sides really quickly, and that leads to, ‘If you are working for someone you are working against the other five,’” Alpert said. “Your radar goes up. What are they doing? Is it right or is it wrong?” Colby sent the Elections Commission a complaint against Mills for slander, later revised by the Commission to libel, after her name appeared on Mills’s website under his finance platform. “It’s fine to not agree with my policies but not when it is not based in fact,” Colby said. “I don’t think it is
fair to call me out specifically when other candidates were also involved in the finance process.” A screenshot of Mills’s website described his plans to increase funding for student organizations but claimed that “the Senate Finance Committee, chaired by Grace Colby, instead voted that the money should remain unused in the SA Reserve Fund,” and referred to the International Relations Club, which originally received no money from the SA, as an example. Colby addressed Mills personally, saying the phrase targeted her campaign. When Mills failed to remove the phrase, Colby reported the violation to the Elections Commission. “We originally allocated [the IR Club] zero dollars, and [we] expected them to appeal it so they could come in and have a conversation about it,” Colby said. “I put myself on the line reporting Curt, and, in the end, I thought it was the right decision. I was trying to preserve whatever integrity was left in this race.” Mills appealed the sanction to the SA Review Board, and the SA Review Board overturned the sanction. The SA Review Board found that the facts listed in Mills’ statement were accurate and thus dismissed the charges. “We were targeted because we were seen as the forerunners throughout the campaign,” Mills said. “Grace achieved her aim. We stayed up all night working on [the appeal].” During the campaign, Sadeghian supported Colby and running mate Alyssa Zhu ’14. “I personally did [back a candidate], but I did my best to distance it with my position,” Sadeghian said. “I personally helped out with as much as I could with whatever resources I could. I never changed my profile picture or made it my status.” Colby and Zhu were suspended for the first 12 hours of the campaign period because Zhu missed the mandatory interest meetings. The Elections Commission scheduled a makeup session for Zhu and other candidates March 19. However, some candidates became suspicious of Sadeghian’s role and his personal support of a candidate when Colby and Zhu were still allowed to compete in the election. “Kaveh is a good person. He did what he thought was right. I think he used his power inappropriately, though,” Mills said. “Her candidacy shouldn’t have been allowed. If this was any other candidate, I don’t think it would have happened.” Mills does not plan on getting involved in next year’s election to the same extent as Sadeghian. “We’re not going to be endorsing candidates in the future,” Mills said. While several complaints were found to be invalid after investigation by the Commission, a large number were still filed. “I think when there is the attitude and the feeling that the rules don’t matter, people are going to do whatever they think is going to get them elected. If that means breaking the rules [when] they are going to get away with it, then they are going to do it,” Colby said. “I don’t blame any one candidate for taking advantage of a system. It’s politics.” Heated competition combined with the ambiguities in the SA Code has left many SA members with a desire to re-evaluate and clarify terms before freshmen elections in the fall. “I think if the SA Code is clarified and the Chair is prepared to interpret the SA Code fairly, they should have a great election in the fall,” Bulman said.
opinions
Opinions Editor Ellen Wexler fhopinions@gmail.com
The Flat Hat | Tuesday, April 3, 2012 | Page 6
Editorial cartoon
Staff Editorial
Simpler standards I
By Rachel Pulley, Flat Hat Cartoonist
Embracing an inevitable struggle credentials a student may have earned during their four years of college. I was surprised, however, at how short-sighted some of the graduates interviewed were. One interviewee turned down an internship at a law firm because it was unpaid. Her alternative? She’s currently listed as unemployed. Flat Hat Assoc. Opinions Editor I’m not expecting to get my dream job the second I walk through the Sir Christopher Wren Building. Even after graduate school, there will be many, many job applications, as well as a The New York Times recently ran an article including a frustrating workplace or two, but this is only to be expected. Do sample of 2011 college graduates. Even for someone living students really graduate with a bachelor’s and expect to snag in the sequestered bubble of academia, their findings come their dream career instantaneously? I’m an optimist, but that as no surprise: Jobs are scarce! Student loans are massive! attitude seems to go beyond idealistic dreaming and end in the Unemployment among graduates is high! realm of narcissistic entitlement. The economic climate is looming eternally over college Beyond the fears and failures of the first year in the “real” students. We hear about the economy picking back up, only world, there are ultimately three career paths a college to watch as gas prices spike. The economy is an off-the-rails graduate can take. The first is the dream: Work your way rollercoaster of hope and disappointment. Undergraduates, in particular, suffer from having a no-man’s- up whatever career ladder is directly related to your field, land education. For the jobs students yearn for, a bachelor’s culminating in the acquisition of your dream job and degree alone is not enough to stand out in the field of competitive eternal happiness. The second is equally fulfilling: Work and discover an unexpected job or career candidates. On the flip side, a student that you love doing. The third and final with a bachelor’s and good credentials is I’m an optimist, but that possibility is to end up doing something overqualified for jobs that are available. you hate. These are the people who wake It’s a big mystery for those approaching attitude seems to go beyond up every day with a sense of dread and graduation. Like a blind date, the economy idealistic dreaming. have a certain ambivalence toward the is full of questions. Will she be attractive world. The only possible way to reach when I get there? Was I interesting enough that unhappy ending is to give up on trying again or trying to make an impression? Am I going to get a call tomorrow? something new. I thoroughly believe students should pursue the field that The demanding, self-aggrandizing attitude of the interests them. That being said, struggling in the job hunt in aforementioned unemployed woman is exactly the type of this economy after attending a liberal arts college and earning thinking that lands someone in the dreary monotony of the a Classical Studies degree is practically a given. The particularly third path, unwilling to explore or actually work for a living. cliched fields of philosophy, theatre and religious studies Midterms and papers may be hard, but life beyond the have never been exactly easy to get into. There’s always some College is even harder. Especially these days, it’s inevitably a jockeying for those precious few job opportunities — these struggle for students fresh out of school, but, in the end, the days it’s just amplified. Other degrees offered at the College like people who struggle are the ones who simply aren’t flexible psychology or education are practically worthless without a and willing to learn. Clearly, these are the type of people follow-up degree of some kind. who have learned nothing: A liberal arts education is about The Times article hammered home the same basic tenets of broadening both horizons and the mind. Attitude is key. a successful job hunter that the College of William and Mary drills into students. Networking is vital and outweighs any fancy Email Elliott Hay at mehay@email.wm.edu.
Elliott Hay
“
“
Street Beat
How should the SA reform the election process?
“Primaries would make “The football game. Gosense. Tribe!” The people running [would] represent a larger percentage of the William and Mary population.” Sam Meadows ’12 David Henry ’14
“I“The don’thomecoming know much about step show the and “The Student Assembly process. after party So maybe that thethat’s Blackthe Student [should] just have one YouTube problem, Organization that Iputs don’ton. know ” video with all of the candidates’ anything about it.” thoughts.” Cheryl Williams ’13 Jocelyn Shawn Williams Burley ’13‘13 Nadia Asmal ’15
n the last days of the Student Assembly presidential election, a flurry of complaints of campaign violations surfaced in what would have otherwise been a fairly quiet election. Unfortunately, this seems to be evolving into an unwelcome tradition in the SA election process. A new SA bill proposed after this past election aims to resolve some of the fundamental, underlying problems that promote this type of petty campaigning. We applaud the SA for finally moving in a direction to reform the election process, and we want to ensure that this bill helps clarify the entire process for future elections. The first act this bill must take is to spell out the process of selecting and training the members of the Elections Commission. The SA president must be actively involved in this process to ensure the election process will be fair. While this task may not be very glamorous, it is a vital part of the SA president’s role and deserves a higher level of commitment than it received this year. The position of Election Commission Chair must be advertised to the entire student body in a more effective way than a mention in a Student Happenings email, which many students will immediately send to their email’s trash folder. This position is important; students should be aware of this opportunity and should be encouraged to stay involved. Furthermore, all the members of the Elections Commission need to be appointed at the beginning of the semester — not the week preceding spring break — so that they have time to learn and understand their roles. Many of the complaints filed during this last election appear to have been mishandled, such as the failure to notify a candidate accused of slander until five days after the complaint had been filed. The Elections Commission needs to be adequately informed of the policies which they are entrusted to enforce so they can follow through in the appropriate manner. Without these standards, the purpose of the Elections Commission is null and void. While the process of determining the Elections Commission needs serious reform, the SA presidential election process needs a complete facelift to ensure that these problems do not continue. As it stands, the SA code is ambiguous concerning the definitions of what constitutes a breach in the campaign process. If the definitions of what constitutes a campaign violation are made clear in the SA code, then every candidate can be held accountable by a well-informed Election Commission. Beyond that, existing rules need to be updated to reflect current issues in the election process, such as whether the suspension of a campaign extends to a candidate’s social networking and campaign websites. These reforms are the only way to improve the election process, which has become an embarrassment for the entire SA. The student body needs to be able to hold the SA responsible during these elections, and part of this is encouraging the entire student body to become actively informed about these election reforms. If we are to have a functional SA, then the change must begin with the selection process. Editor’s Note: Katherine Chiglinsky recused herself from the staff editorial to remain unbiased in her reporting.
The staff editorial represents the opinion of The Flat Hat. The editorial board, which is elected by The Flat Hat’s section editors and executive staff, consists of Katherine Chiglinsky, Elizabeth DeBusk, Katie Demeria, Jill Found and Vanessa Remmers. The Flat Hat welcomes submissions to the Opinions section. Limit letters to 250 words and columns to 650 words. Letters, columns, graphics and cartoons reflect the view of the author only. Email submissions to fhopinions@gmail.com.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR Thanking students who serve the community To the Editor: The students at the College of William and Mary have a long history of public service within our community, and with the Williamsburg Redevelopment and Housing Authority in particular. Often the extraordinary value that these young adults bring to our city is unsung, but it is never unappreciated by those fortunate enough to interact with [these students]. Their energy and dedication is seemingly boundless. The Board of Commissioners would like to thank the students, and also the alumni, for their time and dedication to the many programs and activities they have conducted for our residents. These events include financial literacy classes,
Make a Difference Day, Fun at Five (youth activities at family sites), Annual Easter Egg Hunts, Halloween parties, Christmas packages for Blayton residents, Turkeypalooza, Adopt a Grandparent, computer literacy courses, gardening programs, brown bag lunches for student and community engagement, Campus Kitchen Mentoring Program [and Campus Kitchen] (over 120 meals served weekly), and multiple resident field trips. On behalf of our residents, staff and the Board of Commissioners, I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks to the students at William and Mary for jobs well done and a sincere hope for the continuation of our partnerships. — David Watson, AICP Chairman, Williamsburg Redevelopment and Housing Authority
Doubleplusungood: When employers start demanding your facebook password Carter Lockwood Flat Hat Staff Columnist
If you don’t think trying to find a job these days is terrifying enough, you’ll be glad to know that employers are starting to ask applicants for their Facebook login information in order to snoop around on their profiles. Remember that status update from last year when you had a really bad day or those unsightly photos that you forgot to untag? It’s the company’s business now, and in some jobs, it’s as regular a part of the application process as a resume. Almost all of us will be applying for jobs in the future and enough of us
post information online for this kind of practice to be a legitimate fear. We lose the illusion of privacy, and we lose the presumption that we have a network that’s completely separate from work. But we’re not in the kind of job market where everyone has a lot of standing to protest this. It’s difficult for someone who needs a job to let their Facebook profile ruin their chance of employment. With what’s at stake for many students, it’s hard to fault them for handing over information they might have preferred to keep private. Unfortunately, anything you post on the Internet can make it back to anyone. Any of your friends can access your available information any time. Legal protections of Internet privacy aren’t particularly strong. Online, you’re in an Orwellian world of constant surveillance. Sometimes we forget about that, however, and we post something that
really shouldn’t be seen by anyone but our friends. Unfortunately, those are the same things a hiring manager would like to know about. If he or she finds out you’re a regular Thirsty Thursday attendee, that might factor into a consideration of your potential performance. Similarly, anything you’ve said about a current or past employer might be of interest, and you’ve got little defense against those kinds of inquiries. What will protect you is a bevy of antidiscrimination legislation that prevents employers from inquiring into certain personal details that you might find on a Facebook page. Employers are legally barred from asking about such things as your age or religious beliefs, and job applicants certainly have every right to keep that information private. Until the Internet’s murky legal status becomes more clear, the proper course of
action is defensive Facebooking. Protect yourself by keeping your profile free of anything you wouldn’t want employers to see. If you think it might be a bad idea to post something, it usually is. There are legitimate reasons you wouldn’t
want to work for companies that ask you for information they’re restricted from seeing, but don’t make it something you’re forced to hide. Email Carter Lockwood at crlockwood@email.wm.edu.
Graphic by Allison Hicks / the Flat hat
variety
Variety Editor Abby Boyle Variety Editor Sarah Caspari flathat.variety@gmail.com
The Flat Hat | April 3, 2012 | Page 7
COURTESY PHOTO / LATITUDENEWS.COM
COURTESY PHOTO / MOVIESPAD.COM
KONY 2012 Viral video raises global awareness BY ARIEL COHEN FLAT HAT ASSOC. NEWS EDITOR
It all started with a promise to a former child solider in Uganda. Invisible Children founder Jason Russell told Jacob Acaya, “We are going to do everything we can to stop them.” Ten years later, Jacob’s story has reached over 43 million people worldwide through Invisible Children’s video, “Kony 2012.” It is currently the
fastest spreading viral video ever. “We share what we love, and it reminds us what we all have in common, and this connection is changing the way the world works,” Russell said in the opening of the Kony 2012 video. “Governments are trying to keep up and older generations are concerned. The game has new rules.” By aiming the video at the younger, more technologically savvy generation, Invisible Children hopes to generate enough media stir and public
interest to reach government policy makers. “It’s always been that the decisions made by the few with the money and the power dictated the priorities of their government and the stories in the media,” Russell said in the video. “They determine the lives and the opportunities of their citizens. But now there is something bigger than that; the people of the world can see each other and can protect each other. It’s turning the system upside down, and it changes everything.” For over 26 years, the leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army, Joseph Kony, has been capturing children and forcing them into his rebel group as either sex slaves or child soldiers. Russell co-founded Invisible Children in 2004 after his first trip to Uganda with the aspiration of stopping violence caused by Kony and the LRA. For eight years, Invisible Children workers, volunteers and activists have attempted to spread awareness and bring about change. Through grassroots education, fundraising and on-site programs, the nonprofit has raised awareness and brought change to Central Africa. But after 26 years of the LRA’s violence, Invisible Children is taking its activities a step further. “In this election year of fighting and namecalling, we need to remember that this is an issue everyone can care about,” Russell said in the video. The film encourages viewers to “Cover the Night” with posters of Kony’s face April 20 in order to make him famous. Thanks to the advent of social media, the viral video has reached over 43 million people worldwide. The organization hopes this will generate more U.S. government involvement and support. Invisible Children takes its message on the road to hundreds of high schools, colleges and universities nationwide every year. Until the Kony 2012 video, these roadies were responsible for spreading the organization’s message. “Last semester, it was a fundraising tour for our program on the ground, but this year is strictly for advocacy,” Invisible Children roadie Lawrence Bremer said. “There is a lot more positivity than there is negativity, for sure. Right now, our biggest issue is people getting misinformation.” Due to the spread of misinformation and negative publicity regarding the organization, Invisible
Children’s cause has generated much criticism. Ten days after the release of the Kony 2012 video, Russell was arrested and detained for alleged public masturbation and intoxication. The foundation claims that Russell’s actions were a result of extreme stress and pressure and asked for the community’s support in his recovery. While the stresses of Russell’s job are extreme, this incident’s blowing up in the media trivialized the cause for some. “The moral integrity of the guy is going to trivialize his cause, unfortunately,” Gwen Perrin ’12 said. “What [Russell] is trying to do is still good, but because the story’s out there, it’s just going to spread more and more and give him some discredibility.” One of Invisible Children’s main criticisms is that it spends less than 40 percent of its funds on the ground efforts, whereas most non-government organizations allocate up to 60 percent of funds to on the ground efforts. Invisible Children only spends 37 percent of its funds for on-site projects and uses over 60 percent for awareness and the development of programs. Invisible Children’s three-pronged approach of advocacy, awareness and development distinguishes it from most other non-government organizations that usually focus on only one or two approaches. On-ground efforts include building radio towers to allow villages to warn each other when the LRA is nearby. This early-warning radio network is the first and only existing way for villages to communicate about Joseph Kony’s violent reign. The creation of the LRA Crisis Tracker has allowed for real-time mapping and tracking of LRA activity, which in turn allows for better response from government and policymakers. Invisible Children also has established a rehabilitation specialist for youth who have escaped the LRA. “It’s been a roller coaster, but the bottom line is good,” Vice President of the Invisible Children Club at the College of William and Mary Rhys Tucker ’14 said. “I think people want to find [a] different angle, and it’s good to look at things with a critical eye and learn the facts. But you have to remember that in the end it’s a good cause, trying to stop the oppression that has been going on for years.”
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
Hooking up in previously uncharted territories
Off-campus hook ups provide an enjoyable break from the everyday
Janice Van
Behind closed doors Columnist
I recently bumped into an old friend whom I haven’t seen in a while, and boy, did he look great. New haircut. Clean shaven. And a few new hickies, might I add? The flirting proceeded. After a few playful shoulder nudges, I eventually coaxed an explanation of the hickies out of him. His story consisted of only four words: Model United Nations Conference. College starts out looking like a four-year vacation from home. Ice cream for breakfast, alcohol practically pouring out of Franzia bags, and booty calls merely a hallway away. Who could ask for more? But when the social scene at Earl Gregg Swem Library gets too depressing for your
palate, get some fresh air and get out of Williamsburg. No better way to get your R&R than with a little TLC on the side. Get frisky with the free time you have and consider hookups on collegiate trips. It’s always hard to resist the urge to get a little action. Take beach week, for example. You’re in a new place with all of your best friends getting drunk in your new bikini, and every new acquaintance all of a sudden becomes really attractive. Maybe it’s the beer goggles. Or maybe it’s love. Nah, it can’t be. My friend coined it “the summer camp effect.” Just like that very first time your young middle school eyes caught sight of your crush’s tan, glistening body juxtaposed against the Inflatable Blob in the middle of the lake. A breathtaking sight, to say the least. If you’re hankering for a hookup far away from home, study abroad programs prove to be the best escape for your elicit acts. You’re in a foreign country, living in dorms, meeting
completely new people whom you will probably never see again once the semester ends. It’s the perfect situation for those commitment-prone scaredy cats and cougars. We’ve all encountered — sexually or not — that British bit who pulls in all the biddies with his or her sexy accent. When you study abroad, you assume the role of the exotic foreigner. Accentuate your accent any chance you can get. Mouth off typical American slang like “awesome” with an extra-nasally American drawl. Nothing gets a Euro-cutie hotter than kicking it with an American boy. If you’re more into total anonymity and severing all ties, then consider copulating on a collegiate conference or expo. Most conferences bring together dozens, maybe even hundreds of schools under one common interest. Expect to compete at the roundtable during the day, and then complete the horizontal hustle at night. Plus, you two will have enough common interests to get you through
the annoying pillow talk until your great escape from his or her hotel room at 7 a.m. If you already have a campus crush and you just need one hour alone together to work your magic, ensure that both of you sign up for a school-sponsored trip. Want to do good things for the community while doing bad things to your lover? Sign up for a spring break service trip. Want to explore the wilderness of your partner’s woo-hoos? Pay your deposit for a weekend outdoor excursion. Trying to find retreat and solace in your boo’s bosom? Pack your good underwear for your club’s retreat. But seriously, it’s time to toss those nasty excuses for undergarments to the curb. If you’re the hit-and-quit personality, then trip hookups play to your favor. We’d all like to think that the mystery encounter will stay in the mystery town. But, just like a kid saying goodbye to his or her parents on the first day of kindergarten, sometimes these things refuse to let go.
Before you make your fling official, make sure you assess all of your feelings. Recognize that any romantic feelings could be intermingled with a number of confounding factors. Maybe you felt lonely over your trip and you wanted or needed some attention. Maybe you simply love the idea of being in a relationship. Maybe you did have beer goggles. Hooking up on trips will happen it’s inevitable. So, sit down and think about what your desired outcome is: a relationship, a friend with benefits, or another unnamed notch in your bedpost. Don’t let these feelings trip you up; first and foremost trip hookups should be fun. So go out there, get freaky, and be sure to make a safe return back to the depressing comfort of Swem when you’re ready. Janice Van is a Behind Closed Doors columnist and is currently working on perfecting her nasally American drawl in the hopes of attracting a British bit the next time she goes on a trip.
Page 8
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
The Flat Hat
Promoting awareness of ethical fashion BY ROB MARTY FLAT HAT STAFF WRITER
Barely visible, millions of narrow threads crisscross and intersect to create the things we wear. These inconspicuous threads weave together our daily appearance, connecting us through modes of expression and common ideas of fashion. Students of this year’s Ethical Fashion seminar, which was part of the College of William and Mary’s Sharpe Community Scholars program, followed this thread further, beyond the clothing, through the hands of workers in the Mexican maquiladoras and export processing zones throughout the world, to the farmers planting and harvesting the resources that are used to make our clothing, such as cotton. The Ethical Fashion students saw that what hang in our closets are stories woven together. What they also saw, however, were stories that made them distraught. They saw people in sweatshops that were working for substandard wages and being exploited under appalling conditions i n factories that not only sustain a low standard of living for workers but also are harmful to the environment. While some argue that although these jobs are appalling, they may be better than the other options that workers have, and that pressing for higher wages will simply result in further outsourcing, the Ethical Fashion students believe that it is possible to improve working
conditions and that the actions of individuals can bring about positive change. This message that “Every Purchase Matters,” the mantra of Fair Trade USA, was brought to the College this past week. Students hosted an Ethical Fashion awareness week, including the College’s second Fair Trade Fair and an Ethical Fashion Show. “I thought clothing being made in sweatshop conditions was common knowledge, but it’s not,” Bria Brown ’15, a member of the Ethical Fashion seminar, said. “I think the best thing you can do is to raise awareness and to open people’s eyes, and get them to realize that there is something people can do to help with this issue.” The Ethical Fashion Show was part of a “restyled” campaign sponsored by Fair Trade USA, where sustainable and ethically made clothing was presented. The Fair Trade Festival hosted local vendors that emphasize ethical practices, such as the Alta Gracia lines sold at Barnes and Noble and New Forest Earth. “A way to get involved with this issue is to look into these organizations, such as Fair Trade USA and Alta Gracia, that make it their mission to advocate for fair wages and conditions for workers — things that guarantee people a sound life,” Brown said. To gain further insight about how organizations like Fair Trade USA promote sustainable and ethically made clothing, Charles Michael Dunn Steiner ’15, president of the Student Ethical Fashion Organization, interviewed Senior Manager of Fair Trade USA Heather Franzese. Franzese emphasized how Fair Trade USA ensures that the whole process of production meets ethical standards. “Fair Trade Certified Apparel not only benefits the farmers who grow the cotton, but also the factory workers who sew the garments,” Franzese said. “It offers consumers the unprecedented opportunity to positively impact the lives of farmers and workers throughout an entire supply chain.” In addition, Franzese described how the Fair Trade model promotes sustainable development and emphasizes the voices of the communities in which workers and farmers are employed. “Farmers in Fair Trade Certified producer
groups are guaranteed a fair price for their crops, and are empowered to compete in the global marketplace through direct, long-term contracts with international buyers,” Franzese said. “This market access lifts farming families from poverty through trade — not aid — keeping food on the table, children in school and families on their land. Farmers and workers are also paid an additional Fair Trade premium for use on longterm social and business development projects . . . Some farm groups have built schools, so their children don’t have to walk two hours to the nearest school house. Another group built a small lentil-processing mill, so they can earn more for their rotation crops and have healthier food for their families. In parts of India, the debt and desperation is so great that farmers have been committing suicide by ingesting their own pesticides. Fair Trade has given them hope.” While organizations like Fair Trade USA promote better lives for workers, they are market-driven approaches and, indeed, their impact depends on the market for ethically made goods. The students in the Ethical Fashion Seminar hope to continue to spread awareness about such products through the Student Ethical Fashion Organization. “We’re thinking in the future, we would like to do [an annual] Ethical Fashion Week,” Steiner said. In addition to working on awareness efforts, SEFO hopes to continue to ensure that clothing with the College’s logo is made in an ethical manner. According to a report written by SEFO two years ago, the College adopted a Code of Conduct in 2006 to ensure that official apparel followed certain ethical and sustainable guidelines. In the fall of 2011, a committee was created to monitor the production of College apparel to ensure it followed this code of conduct. SEFO continues to ensure that apparel that displays the College’s logo is made in an ethical manner. SEFO’s efforts are intended to push people to not only see the stories behind the clothing, but also how closely connected consumers are to these stories. “The biggest thing to remember here is that it’s easy to make a difference — that your purchases really do matter,” Franzese said.
Courtesy photos/ DANIELLE TASSARA
COURTESY PHOTO / MEGHAN MONTOYA
The Student Ethical Fashion Organization hosted an Ethical Fashion awareness week that included a Fair Trade Fair and an Ethical Fashion Show. The group’s goal was to promote consumption of clothing that has been made sustainably and ethically.
Harvard, Chicken Cheeks and space cakes
Michael Ian Black’s comedy performance shocks and entertains audience BY ZACH HARDY FLAT HAT ONLINE EDITOR
“When someone says that [the College of ] William and Mary is the second oldest school in the nation, it must be the only time you get mentioned in the same sentence as Harvard,” Michael Ian Black said as he took the stage for his second visit to the College on March 29. Black is a comedy veteran of both screen and stage. He has starred in numerous shows, including “The State,” VH1’s “I Love the…” series and “Michael and Michael Have Issues.” His guest spots include roles in “Crank Yankers,” “Robot Chicken” and “Reno 911!” Through a combination of unique style and charm, he has gathered a cult following and regularly performs sold-out shows across the nation. Black is also the author of a well-received children’s book, “Chicken Cheeks.” To kick off the show, Brian Terrill ’12 opened with a short performance, mostly poking fun at life in Williamsburg. He commented on the absurdity of a brochure he found at his job at the Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum that claimed, “Now this is a real plantation.” “What makes these other plantations not real?” he asked, running through
a hypothetical list of requirements that might qualify a plantation as real, including a brick house, gardens and slave quarters that tour guides tend not to mention. He also made light of a looming concern for many soon-to-begraduates — joking that he, as a film studies major, will probably be living in a box soon after graduation, and he might as well enroll in clown college. After a round of applause for Terrill and a brief introduction, Black began his routine with a shout-out to an audience member who had tweeted at him earlier: “What if he’s a dick in person?” To prove that he is not a dick, he invited her up to the stage, gave her a hug, and slowly handed her three dollar bills, one by one, reimbursing her the cost of admission. Black’s routines generally follow the principles of observational comedy, which focuses on the humor and irony found in everyday situations. “I thought [the performance] was really good. I think his routine was pretty typical of his humor. I’ve been a big fan of his over the years,” Jennifer Cummings, a librarian at Earl Gregg Swem Library, said. Black indeed managed to split the sides of several audience members with episodes from his seemingly
mundane life. A recurring motif is his constant struggle to curtail his comedic tongue when dealing with people he encounters throughout the day. His first story was a detailed account of how he told his hotel maid that he had cancer, out of embarrassment over leaving an inordinately large mess for her to clean up in the bathroom. He also recounted his fierce urges to shake his baby once it was born, despite the numerous warnings from his wife, parenting books and Lemaze class instructor. “I’m a parent, but I liked the baby one. It was off-color and a bit inappropriate, but still amusing,” Cummings said. Elsa Voytas ‘13 preferred another story. “I really liked the Amsterdam story,” Voytas said, referring to one of the highlights of the show. In the Amsterdam story, Black chronicled the first time he ever smoked pot at the seemingly late age of 27. He was on his honeymoon with his wife, and they decided that they would stick by the old expression, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Nervous of getting high for the first time and leery of inhaling smoke, they decided to each eat a “space cake,” a baked good infused with the psychoactive chemical THC. After an hour, he declared that
COURTESY PHOTO / THEMOVIEDB.ORG
Comedian Michael Ian Black stirred up controversy with his off-color sense of humor during his second visit to the College of William and Mary on Thursday.
the cake wasn’t working and he had his wife go purchase him a joint, deciding that a more traditional method of ingestion would surely get him stoned. Only after he passed out on the floor of the coffee shop did he admit that he was truly inebriated. Despite the audience’s many laughs throughout the show, some audience members commented on the fairly vulgar nature of Black’s routine, which included the use of nearly every conceivable swear word and plenty of excremental humor.
“I thought it was pretty funny, but some of the stuff I didn’t really want to laugh at because I thought he crossed the line,” Wilson Kuhnel said, an admitted student enrolling as a freshman for the next academic year. Others were of the opinion that stand-up comedy is often designed to shock, not to offend, simply for comedic effect. “I am not very politically correct, so I don’t really care about that,” Emily Gilfillan ’13 said. “I know he was joking, so I didn’t really take offense to it.”
sportsinside
The Flat Hat | Tuesday, April 3, 2012 | Page 9
MEN’S GYMNASTICS
College takes second in USAG championship
Six Tribe gymnasts garner nine AllAmerican honors in Boulder, Colo. BY MIKE BARNES FLAT HAT SPORTS EDITOR As the old adage goes, it doesn’t matter how you start —it only matters how you finish. William and Mary’s regular season finished up well in Boulder, Colo. as the Tribe took second overall in the team portion of the USA Gymnastics Collegiate Championships Friday while six College gymnasts garnered nine All-American honors in Saturday’s individual competitions. The Tribe posted its best score of the season, with a 331.85 that reaped runner-up honors. Air Force made the most of the home advantage, claiming the title with a 341.05. Navy rounded out the top three with a 326.9, while Springfield finished in fourth with a 324.35. Three College gymnasts claimed All-American honors in all around. Freshman J.J. Jindra made the most of his first USAG event, claiming second place with a 82.2. Sophomore Daniel Potemski finished in fourth with an 81.6, edging out junior Futa Ikeda, who finished in fifth with 79.25. Potemski led the College on the floor with a 14.4, tying a season best. Junior Matt Burns and freshman Michael Deitz followed closely behind, posting 14.35 and 14.0, respectively. The trio’s
efforts helped the Tribe post a seasonbest 56.6 on the floor exercise. In the pommel horse, Potemski and senior Steve Deutsch both earned berths in Saturday’s individual events with a pair of impressive performances. Potemski notched a 13.85 while Deutsch recorded a 13.6. After his impressive Wroutine in the pommel horse, Deutsch then posted a careerhigh 14.4 on the rings, finishing sixth. Ikeda also advanced to the individual finals in the rings with a career-high 14.2. Potemski’s big day continued as he tied for second in the vault with a 14.4, which helped the Tribe to a 55.35. The parallel bars also went well for the College, with Ikeda’s 13.8 and junior Kris Yeager’s 14.05. The College concluded the day with a 53.95 on the bars, highlighted by Jindra’s 13.85. The College went into Saturday’s individual event finals with a great deal of confidence following Friday’s impressive team showing. Potemski was again at the forefront of the Tribe’s success. The sophomore began the day with a fourth-place showing in the floor exercise, edging out Burns’ score by .05. Springfield’s Jimmy Pezzino won the event with a 14.9 total. Potemski then tied for fourth in the pommel horse, sharing a 13.15 with
COURTESY PHOTO / TRIBE ATHLETICS
Sophomore Daniel Potemski led the Tribe the majority of the weekend in the individual vault, Potemski took third place, just .15 out of second.
Deutsch. Navy’s Chris Junghans paced the field with a 13.7 while Air Force’s James Okamoto finished in second with 13.4. In the vault, Potemski took third place, missing out on first place by just .15. Pezzino claimed second place for Springfield with a 14.5, while Ben Zaiser’s 14.6 allowed the Falcons to take first.
Deutsch and Ikeda led the College on the rings. Deutsch earned AllAmerican status with a 14.3, giving him a sixth-place finish Saturday. Ikeda finished in eighth with a respectable 14.15. While Potemski, Deutsch and Ikeda featured in multiple individual events, several other Tribe athletes competed in the individual finals as well. Jindra
finished in fourth on the high bar with a 13.6, while Burns recorded a fifthplace finish on the floor with a 13.8. Yeager also placed well on the parallel bars, notching a sixth-place finish with a 13.7. The College will continue its postseason this Friday and Saturday, when it travels to Philadelphia to compete in the ECAC Team Championships.
Bats come alive at home as Tribe takes two from Towson BASEBALL from page 10
JARED FORETEK / THE FLAT HAT
Senior relief pitcher Jay McCarthy pitched one and a third innings, letting up just one hit.
down the left field line, spelling the end for Gonnella. Towson turned the ball over to Tyler Austin, but that didn’t seem to matter for Bower, who hit a double of his own to right field, scoring Katz to put the Tribe up 3-1. Once again, the College would threaten in the sixth before stranding two runners. The Tribe left 14 men on base, but Towson was unable to make the College pay. The Tigers did, however, pull themselves back within a run in the seventh. It was a tough inning for freshman shortstop Josh Mason, who booted a ground ball with one out for an error. The next hitter knocked a grounder right up the middle, barely sneaking it by the diving Mason to put runners on the corners. Leoni had seen enough, calling for senior relief pitcher Jay McCarthy from the bullpen and replacing Mason with junior shortstop Ryan Williams. McCarthy got the next hitter to fly out, but it was
deep enough to drive in a run and make it a 3-2 game. The book closed on Koehler’s day with the righty having turned in yet another solid performance. “You kind of know what you’re going to get with Brett Koehler on the mound,” Leoni said. “He’s going to throw strikes, he’s going to attack hitters and he’s going to give you a chance to win every time out.” After the College loaded up the bases in the seventh but failed to score, the Tribe finally broke things open in the eighth, albeit with help from the Tigers. Junior center fielder Ryan Brown led off with a single and moved to second on a bunt before taking third on a wild pitch. When Katz hit a grounder that should have been turned into an out, Brown got caught in a rundown on the third base line, but as the Towson pitcher chased him back to third, the ball dropped to the ground and Brown dove safely into third with Katz having taken second. The Tigers then intentionally walked Bower to load up the bases before
Lindemuth picked up an RBI on an error by the third baseman, scoring Brown. Smith then hit a single that drove in Katz and Bower. After a pitching change, Williams hit an RBI single to left, taking second base when the left fielder let the ball get by him for another error. Finally, a Forsten sacrifice fly drove in Smith and capped the five-run inning. “We definitely got some breaks there in the eighth,” Leoni said. Junior relief pitcher John Farrell then shut the door in the ninth with two strikeouts. “We hit the ball really well,” junior second baseman Kevin Nutter said, who went 2-for5 with a walk. “It’s a really good series win for the team. Every conference game is huge, so to get a series win, especially after a loss Friday night, is huge.” With the two weekend wins over Towson, the Tribe, which entered the series a game back of the Tigers in the conference standings, moves into a threeway tie for third place and picks up the tiebreaker over the Tigers.
Old Dominion’s early second half run dooms College in 14-10 loss LACROSSE from page 10
ball well, just as we had all week. We were together but still played very flat. I don’t know why,” Ireland said. The Monarchs, however, responded with a speedy 3-0 run in the opening 1:30 of the second half. Just 14 seconds into the half, ODU’s Lisa Bernardini gained possession, circled the Tribe’s net twice, shook off her defenders and found room to slide a shot past freshman goalie Lucy Ferguson. After the restart and a quick Tribe turnover, the Monarchs scored again, 10 seconds after the preceding goal. Seconds later, Bernardini would again find space inside and in front of the College’s net to cap off the lightning-fast Monarch run at the 28:30 mark and give ODU an 8-6 advantage. “I think our defense was asleep a little bit, and I think we broke down on communication. All season we’ve played exceptional team defense, and for some reason we weren’t communicating,” Ireland said. From then on, the Tribe chased the game and suffered long spells of ODU possession. An inability to cause turnovers or retain any semblance of steady possession plagued the College as the Monarchs outshot the Tribe 16-9 — 28-21 on the day as a whole — to gain a 9-4 second half scoring advantage. When the College found limited possession, however, it kept the game close. Sophomore attacker Taelor Salmon caught fire and provided an arching assist to junior midfielder Caitlin Murphy with 22:17 to play. Salmon struck again at 21:28 to pull the Tribe within one, as the scoreboard read 10-9 in favor of ODU.
NOAH WILLARD / THE FLAT HAT
Freshman attacker Kaleigh Noon (left) scored one goal on two shots while junior atracker Kyrstin Mackrides (right) scored two goals on five shots in the Tribe’s 14-10 loss to Old Dominion Sunday.
But a 4-1 Monarchs run put the game out of reach. Rebecca Reymann split two Tribe defenders and beat Ferguson in front of the net for her second goal of the contest at the 2:36 mark to open up a fourgoal edge that the College would not overcome. One of the day’s few bright spots for the Tribe was its balanced attack on offense, as seven players
scored at least one goal each. Salmon lead the way with two goals and two assists, while Mackrides contributed two goals and a helper. Ferguson recorded six saves in net. “We need to have more communication all over the field. We could have taken that game if we had less turnovers, we had a little bit more communication
defensively, and offensively if we had taken care of the ball a little bit and taken smarter shots, I think we could have taken that game,” said Ireland. After dropping its conference opener, the Tribe will look to rebound Friday as it takes on Towson at 7:30 p.m. Towson narrowly dropped CAA-foe Delaware, 10-8, in both teams’ CAA-openers.
sports
Sports Editor Mike Barnes Sports Editor Jared Foretek flathatsports@gmail.com
The Flat Hat | Tuesday, April 3, 2012 | Page 10
BASEBALL
Tiger tamers
JARED FORETEK / THE FLAT HAT
Junior outfielder Ryan Brown taps home for one of five Tribe runs in the eighth inning. Solid hitting, combined with two errors and poor Towson defense, helped the College break open a one-run game. Here, the catcher failed to keep his foot on the plate.
Tribe scores five in eighth inning to win final game of series, Towson falls apart defensively BY JARED FORETEK FLAT HAT SPORTS EDITOR
William and Mary continued its hot hitting Sunday, following up its 19-2 thrashing of conference-foe Towson (13-14, 7-5 CAA) of a day earlier with an 8-2 victory. The College secured the series-win Sunday after dropping the seriesopener Friday. The College’s lineup kept the pressure on the Tigers’s pitching staff all day Sunday, but couldn’t pull away until it turned a 3-2 lead into an 8-2 advantage with the help of some shoddy Towson fielding in the eighth. Junior starting pitcher Brett Koehler tossed an impressive six and a third
innings of two-run (one earned) ball, allowing just four hits and no walks while striking out five to improve to 4-0 for the season. “I was pitching in and just pounding the strike zone,” Koehler said. “I was telling the guys yesterday, ‘Save some for me tomorrow,’ but there in the eighth, the baseball gods were with us, holding up the clouds, and we got some runs.” Freshman designated hitter Josh Smith also had a big day, going 3 for 4 with three RBIs and a run. “Every conference weekend is big, and your goal is to win every conference weekend,” head coach Frank Leoni said. “Our entire team feels confident that we’re going to win not only
every weekend series, but every time we step on the field”. The College (19-11, 7-5 CAA) threatened early and often at the plate, stranding a pair of base runners on in the first and second innings, but it was the Tigers who took the early lead. After setting the first four Towson hitters of the game down in order, Koehler made a mistake to left fielder Kurt Wertz, who made him pay with a solo shot to right, putting Towson up 1-0. But the Tribe would bounce back in the bottom half of the inning. Sophomore third baseman Ryan Lindemuth led off the frame with a single before Smith smacked a double to right. After a strikeout, senior catcher Chris Forsten drove in
MEN’S TENNIS
Lindemuth with a sacrifice fly to right, tying the game at one. The College would then take the lead in the third. Senior right fielder Stephen Arcure reached on an error by the first baseman to lead off before classmate left fielder Tadd Bower singled to put men on first and second with one out. Smith then picked up his first RBI when he drove Brandon Gonnella’s 1-1 offering to center for a single, giving the Tribe a 2-1 lead. It would remain a one-run ballgame until the fifth, when the College doubled its lead. Freshman Michael Katz led off with a two-bagger See BASEBALL page 9
LACROSSE
College wins last home match Tribe drops Tribe rebounds after morning loss to James Madison, drop Blue Hens 6-1
BY JARED FORETEK FLAT HAT SPORTS EDITOR
William and Mary returned from its disappointing Saturday morning loss to James Madison with a vengeance in the evening, handing CAA-foe Delaware a 6-1 thrashing. The win came in the final home matches for senior Jacob Braig and graduate student Robert Pietrucha. “The team came out and really played hard,” head coach Peter Daub said of the afternoon match. “[Delaware’s] a team — when you play them second in the day after having a tough match earlier — it’s a team you have to get up for. I was proud of our guys.” The College quickly set the tone with impressive doubles play. First up, sophomore John Banks and Pietrucha downed Delaware’s Ryan Kent and Andre Vorobyov at the No. 2 spot, 8-3. But the Blue Hens tied things up, dealing junior Anton Andersson and freshman Will juggins an 8-6 defeat in the No. 1 slot. The Tribe ultimately brought home the opening point of the match with a win at the No. 3 spot, however, when Braig and sophomore Ben Hoogland notched an 8-6 win, giving the College a 1-0 lead in the overall score heading into the singles portion. The Tribe quickly let the Blue Hens know that the second part of the match would be no different than the first as junior Adrian Vodislav opened things up with a dominant 6-1, 6-2, win over Troy Beneck at the No. 1 spot. “Adrian played his best match of the year,” Daub said. “With Adrian, he just had to be happy, get a lot of sleep and go out there and enjoy himself. He played the best match I’ve seen him play in his three years here.” For Vodislav, the goal of the match was to simply smother Beneck. “I played well. I didn’t give him any chance to get into the match,” Vodislav said. “He had no
chance to react. The match was over before he could do anything.” Next, No. 3 Hoogland dispatched Vorobyov in similarly impressive fashion, 6-1, 6-4, to give the College a 3-0 stranglehold on the match. “My serve was just working and my forehand too, I felt relaxed,” Hoogland said. “It’s nice for your confidence. I lost in three sets this morning so it’s nice to get the win under my belt and under the team’s belt.” The beating continued when Andersson dropped Adam Lawton in straight sets at the No. 2 spot, 6-3, 6-3. Finally, after Juggins and Pietrucha
both secured singles wins of their own in the No. 5 and No. 6 slots, respectively, Delaware got its only singles victory of the day as Nolan Gelman bounced back from a 6-0 first-set loss to win the last two sets, 6-2, 6-4, over Banks at the No. 4 spot. Having played its final home match of the year, the College sits just under three weeks from the CAA Tournament starting April 20. Two important road conference-matches stand in the way, though, as the Tribe will first have to take on Virginia Commonwealth April 11 and Old Dominion April 14.
fifth straight
ODU dominates second half as Tribe falls 14-10 at home BY CHRIS WEBER FLAT HAT ASSOC. SPORTS EDITOR
A five-game losing streak where four losses came at the hands of top-10 nationally ranked opponents wasn’t supposed to be an issue. A brutal non-conference schedule was supposed to prepare William and Mary for conference play. A combined 20-8 record in the CAA since 2008 coupled with a 31-9 all-time series record against Old Dominion was supposed to mean the Tribe had a good shot at victory Sunday against the Monarchs. It didn’t. Old Dominion (4-7, 1-0 CAA) dominated the second half to pull past the Tribe (2-9, 0-1 CAA) and hand the College a 14-10 defeat in both teams’ first conference game of the season. “I feel that we were well prepared going into the game, we had a great week of practice, probably the best we’ve had since we started the team in January. We came out, I think, a little bit off balance — for some reason we just couldn’t get it together, offensively, defensively — we had a lot of turnovers. That was kinda the gist of it,” head coach Brooke Ireland said. Not trailing once, the College put forth a solid effort in the first half. Even though they never led by more than two goals, the College’s defensive pressure kept the Monarchs out of rhythm offensively, and junior attacker Kyrstin Mackrides gave the Tribe some momentum when she scored with just zero minutes, twenty seconds remaining in the half to give the College a 6-5 lead. Mackrides used a long run into Monarchs territory to draw a foul, from which she converted the free position shot. “We took some good shots — we were moving the
JARED FORETEK / THE FLAT HAT
Tribe’s No. 1 Adrian Vodislav serves in his 6-1, 6-2 win. The College continued the winning style, downing Delaware.
See LACROSSE page 9
var-i-ah-ty
variahtee wassupp fillererr yeahjjhfjkai filler_n_fluff@fatheadnewz.com
DESIGN Big
The Flat Hat | Tuesday, April 3, 2012 | Page 489
We don’t have any real content, so look at this expensive font
BY BIGG AZZ FAT HEAD BOOTYLICIOUS EXPERT
This Thursday, the Campus Interdisciplinary Cultural Forum put on an event with speakers from multiple areas of cultural study including anthropology, africana studies, sociology, and oh god why am I even writing this nobody will read this article outside of the event sponsors themselves goddammit. The event, attended by close to a half-dozen people who were either the event sponsors, participants, or student with the incentive to attend by the
promise of extra credit in a Sociology class taught by one of the speakers, explored issues that were incredibly niche and which had a loose thread of commonality described by the events title, Campus Interdisciplinary Culture Forum Night. Plagued by microphone problems, the event began with the event’s host, a socially awkward visiting professor with little public speaking experience, pleading with the audience to move from the back row of the auditorium to the front row. The forum then went on for close to
BEHIND CLOSED DOORZ
A rim job is a him job
Warning: this is super gross :(
Aintno Thangg BEhind closed doors columnist
It stands to reason that the more you do something, the better you become at it. A pianist practices and performs for years to master the ability to play the pianis. The same principle applies to sex. No guy can just wake up and wield his fertile meat-stick like a pornstar, like I can. In many cases, it is difficult for any young male TWAMP to display his mediocrity in the bedroom during the early phase of his sexual career. A few factors that result in such poor performance are soul crushing, weepinginducing nervousness, constant and inevitable premature ejaculation, the oh-so-common postmature ejaculation (“Are you done yet? I have class in ten”), the consistent inexperience, and other problems that plague me and all other men. Right? However, through trial and error –shameful, self esteem crushing error – we can gradually achieve the mediocrity we men are excellent at, going from “Is it in yet?” to “Is it in all the way yet?” That’s how you become a MAN. However, until this false confidence and pseudo-experience is gained, men can fall back on that nigh hourly exercise, masturbation with anal tickling. Every guy has been practicing this instinctive, intimate act four or five times a day since the onset of puberty. In essence, we have become masters of our own “skill” much like the pianist. We can masturbate vigorously to
some crap pulled off a mediocre streaming site with a minute to go until the roomie’s class lets out, we can masturbate subtly in the bathrooms of the Sadler Center, and we can masturbate mournfully after some chick laughed at my dong at the unit and cleared out. But the anal massage is really what we’re masterful at. Due to such unique dexterity, the bottom line is that no girl can give a perfect rim job. Hence, a rim job is a him-job. Most guys cringe when a girl is performing this act, because they know that if only they had the spinal flexability, we could toss our own salad way better than she could ever hope to. Many guys can execute a rim job efficiently, and we have all sorts of strategies and positions — the tongue flexer, the pinky pop, the sticky licky brown and slickey, the snort and swivel, the sloppy brown and snoopy, the sneeze n freeze, the doggy lick, the poot and shoot, the spit and stir, the kiss and swell — and the list goes on and on. Guys have mastered the art of the rim job; after all, what else are frats for?! Yet, when a girl gives a rimmy, no matter what a she licks or what the guy says, I can guarantee you that he is putting on a happy face but internally cringing at your lack of butt licking ability. The only way a girl can improve her performance during this struggle is by not performing a rim job at all. Leave it to the guys; we are obviously pretty big fans of assholes. When it comes to licking butts, leave it to guys like yours truly. I love licking butts. So ladies, the next time you are hooking up with a guy, remember — a rim job is a him job. Dick Butkiss was a Behind Closed Doors Columnist until permanently banned from the Commonwealth of Virginia
CAMPUS CREEPER Name: Tony Kingston Hometown: New Jersey Grade: Super senior Major: Kinesiology Relationship Status: Ragingly single. What are you involved with on campus? Hanging out in front of the delis, hanging out at the gym, hanging out near freshman dorms. Personal interests: Hair styling products and grain alcohol. Where do you see yourself in five years? Hanging out in front of the delis. I’ll get older but the girls will stay the same age!
MIchelle gabro / THE FLAT HAT
Campaign signs decorate one of the polling places for
two hours, with speakers either reading the abstract of their thesis or struggling to articulate a hastily compiled speech. “It was an incredible night,” said Assistant Professor Monica Davis, the event’s sponsor and a full seventh of the audience. “We really got to the heart of the material I believe.” The evening closed with an awkward word of thanks on behalf of Davis to each member of the audience individually, and meager refreshments in the back of the massive auditorium. Three people remained for lukewarm cheese and crackers.
That Guy: TWAMP No. 8
If this sounds familiar...it should BY DICK McLONGCOCK FAT HEAD HOMELESS MAN
So today for this week’s That Guy interview, we’re sitting down with the popular student Every TWAMP. Given that we always get some of the most basic answers possible from That Guy and That Girl interviews, we sat down with Every TWAMP to talk, in a formulaic manner, about how they got here, their time here, what they do here, and what they plan to do after school. We’ve added in additional subtext for the responses. Flat Hat: So how did you end up at the College of William and Mary? TWAMP: Well, I applied to a bunch of schools [mostly Ivies, didn’t get in] and I ended up going on a whole bunch of tours. When I came to the College, I immediately fell in love with the [tour guide’s nonexistent version of] the place. It just felt like home immediately [because I am from NoVa and this place is very similar to NoVa]. I could just tell [inaccurately] that everyone here looked like they were just loving the College and I immediately wanted to be a part of it [after my rejection letter from Brown arrived]. Flat Hat: So what do you do here? TWAMP: I’m [halfassedly] involved in a ton of organizations, I love being a part of the college community. I’m in [the drama-plagued service] fraternity APO, and I just love doing service for the community [as it looks good on my mediocre resume]. I am the president of [an obscure organization with ten members] and I just love the work I was able to do with them. I love my friends and we have so much fun here. [Long pause later edited out of the interview.]
I really enjoy hanging out on the Terrace and at the Grind and talking to people. Flat Hat: So what are you majoring in? TWAMP: I’m majoring in (English/ Government). I love working in that department, and my favorite professor is (Haycox/Rappoport). I love how I can take a whole bunch of different classes at William and Mary [excluding Science and Math GER requirments,] and still be able to work directly with what I love doing. I really like the way the professors from the (English/ Government) department bond with students and that’s something you can only find at William and Mary. Flat Hat: What is your favorite place on campus? TWAMP: The dock on Matoaka behind the Botetourt complex. It’s so peaceful. Flat Hat: So what do you plan to do after school? TWAMP: [Long pause that is later edited out of the interview] Flat Hat: Any advice for incoming freshmen? TWAMP: Just get involved in as many things as you can. Try new things, experiment with new ideas, and keep an open mind. If you ever have the chance to try something new [that will break you from the inexorable monotony of this godforsaken town], do it! And remember, have fun! TWAMP is currently either deciding between two unenviable entry level positions in industries they have no interest in, or contemplating the ideal way to convince their parents to let them endure unemployment back home. They graduate in May.
sportz SPORTZ IN BRIEFS
Head cheerleader Dick Trickle, Jr. Eternal pessimist Jared Foretek weheartshaver@fatheadnewz.com
The Fat Head | 24 MVCXII A.D. | Page 99
WALKING
Quotable W&M TRIBE
7 9
PENN STATE
“GO TRIBE! I’m so glad we hit all our free throws before kicking that last field goal. ODU IS A SAFETY SCHOOL!” — Incredibly knowledgeable and loyal Tribe fans, right before they leave at halftime.
BREAKING NEWS CHRISTIANITY The Catholic Church and Pope Benedict XVII announced Monday that William and Mary senior forward Quinn McDowell will be cannonized into sainthood next week. McDowell may have missed out on winning the Lowe’s Senior Class Award, but I guess being a saint is okay too.
study space Looking for a little extra study space this exam season? If Swem is overflowing, head over to Kaplan Arena at William and Mary Hall. The Hall’s 11,448 capacity is built to sustain large crowds, and judging by this year’s basketball teams, this probably the only time it will get close to capacity this whole year.
nba After two years of being the best benchwarmer the Tribe has ever seen, junior guard Doug Howard is leaving early for the NBA. “It was a really tough decision,” Howard said at a recent press conference. “I will really miss cheering on the guys, but I have to move on.”
SUPER DRAMATIC QUINN McPROWL / THE FAT HEAD
Great photo isn’t it? Oh my gawd. Do you know how hard it is to fill up these photo captions. Clearly you can see the picture, so there’s really no reason to describe what’s in the picture. So, in short: See above.
Debbie Taylor edges out Laycock for coveted ‘Dancing with the Tribe’ crown BY TIM TEBOW FAT HEAD GOD SQUAD
There are few more highly-coveted awards in the annals of William and Mary Athletics than the annual ‘Dancing with the Tribe’ dance competition. Three time winner Jimmye Laycock entered the competition as the prohibitive favorite, having nailed the hip-hop and salsa portion’s of last year’s event. “Well, uh, you know, I’ve told the guys the whole year long that our goal is simple: Go 1-0 every week, um, yeah,” Laycock said, while glaring angrily at reporters.
Crowd favorite Tony Shaver was eliminated in the beginning of the first round, as the judges — Kendrix Brown, Taylor Reveley and a random drunk senior citizen — didn’t see the passion. “To be honest with you, the only thing he had going for him was his mustache. That thing is straight out of one of those 1920’s movies,” the drunk guy said. Women’s basketball head coach Debbie Taylor came out of nowhere to dominate the event. Taylor’s expert flamenco put her ahead of the competion. “She pulls off miracles,” Brown said. “Just an amazing performance.”
TWAMP BRACKET
And then, to be honest with you, I fell asleep toward the end of this event. Normally, we at the Fat Head just make up shit at this point in sports stories. We know you aren’t reading any more, and it’s just not worth the effort. Do you know how hard it is to get 500 words out of a women’s gymnastics story? It’s damn near impossible, and plus, to be perfectly honest, we don’t even know the rules to half these sports. What the hell is a kill or a dig or a ground ball? Those sound like those could be illegal in like six or seven states. See LACROSSE page 7
It’s ok. We know that the only reason you picked up this edition of the Fat Head is because you want to see if you are on the TWAMP bracket. We organized you all into TWAMPS (you know what that means), and BNOCs (Big Names on Campus). If you didn’t make the list, do some really stupid shit this next year and you will make the list. Promise.