Fat Head Exclusive >> PAGE 69
FBI Director James Commie’s Secret Tinder Found
Vol. XXX, Iss. YY | Friday, April 1, 2015
The Fat Head Your #1 Source for Alternative Facts
at The College of William and Mary
PLEASE
Reveley definitely not racist
FratHatFilth.com | #FakeNews
SEND
Dan Phallic ‘88 named Vice Provost for Diversity and Inclusion
Facebook-loving alum takes aim at special snowflake millenials and their bs pc culture ALUMNI MCMONEYSBAGS ACKNOWLEDGES WHITE PRIVELEGE
President cites 1960s Princeton education as source of colorblind openess to black friends KJ ROLLING YIK YAK TASK FORCE MEMBER Addressing concerns leveled at him by the campus’s Black Lives Matter protesters, President Reveley told a crowd of students Sunday that he is, in fact, not a racist. “I’m the least racist person there is,” he said, adding: “Could a racist have had four black wives?” Reports of the President’s marriage to the latest Mrs. Reveley had been leaking for months. Following three previous marriages and divorces, Sunday’s speech to students marks the first official confirmation. Students seem not to be convinced by the telling admission. “I’m not sure he gets it,” Jenny Jennifer ’17, a Black Lives Matter organizer, said. Jennifer noted that Black Lives Matter had submitted a list of ten demands to the president’s office as part of their March conference. While the group hadn’t mentioned Reveley’s marriage situation, they did recommend the College appoint a vice provost for diversity.
Black Lives Matter said that they had hoped the College would have taken more direct action to improve the lives of black students, faculty, and staff — noting that in a recent national survey, a majority of black staff had said the college was a “racist snake pit.” Asked whether they’d recommend the college as an employer to a friend, 72 percent of black faculty said “Man, I told you not to go into that house.” After the speech, the President introduced his wife and three ex-wives, reminding his audience with increasing bravado: “I have color too! I have color too!” Though he declined to provide the names of his wives, or indicate how long ago the marriages had occurred, the President did make sure to tell his audience that each of his current and former wives were “articulate” and “handsome,” while reminding them that in addition to his past interracial marriages, he also had a black friend. When one of his wives asked whether she could address the assembled students, the President quietly told her that he doesn’t do well with demands, and ushered her back inside.
“The president has taken a bold step today to further the work of the task force on race and race relations,” chief of police deb cheesebro said, saying she hoped the betrothal would finally end the campus’s “attitude” problem. Another Black Lives Matter organizer, Jeff Gordon ’15, said he thought the president’s office was using the opportunity to avoid doing real work to end the systemic racism on campus. Addressing the President directly during the speech, Gordon asked: “You’re renaming a building. You’ve marrying four different black women. When will you confront the entrenched donor interests and do the hard work of addressing this College’s roots in racial oppression and make the college a more liveable, enjoyable place for black people to live and work?” As is his custom, the president promptly fainted upon hearing the question. “He is in great health, just one too many daiquiris at lunch,” college spokesman Brian Bananas said in a statement, adding: “He didn’t say anything about his black friend again, did he?”
Following last week’s meeting with Black Lives Matter organizers College of William and Mary, President Taylor Reeves has announced plans to move forward with one of the group’s demands. Notable Alumni and Millennial Expert Dan Phallic ‘88 has been named the College’s first ever Vice Provost for Diversity and Inclusion, in order to make campus a more okay place for students of color. Despite his initial refusal to deal is “demands”, Reeves soon came to the conclusion that the best way to make himself look semi-decent was to do the bare minimum and quickly put together a half-assed initiative to find a white dude to tell people of color what’s best for them. College administrators expressed excitement at Phallic’s appointment citing his high levels of engagement with current campus bulls**t. “He’s really the best person for the job,” said BOV member Griffin McTribesman, “His insights into the minds of the young people on this campus will help William and Mary combat this culture of political correctness and safe spaces that seems to running rampant in this damn country.”
An almost constant presence on social media, Phallic says that he has learned about what students need from his lengthy conversations held in the comment sections of several Facebook pages including “Overheard at William and Mary “(RIP) and The Fat Head itself. “There’s just something special about monitoring the liberal pc trash on this campus and educating them about how their special snowflake status isn’t applicable to the real world,” said Phallic while angrily scrolling through his timeline, “I’m really grateful for all the time I’ve been able to spend arguing with twentysomethings at all hours of the day. Sure, it irritates my wife when I’m furiously typing comments at 3am, but educating the younger generation is a real priority of mine.” Reeves said Phallic’s familiarity with losing Facebook arguments makes him perfect for the job, “It takes a special person to consistently make themselves look like a fool without loosing their gumption,” said Reeves, “I’m not sure why a grown man has so much time on his hands but I suppose even the best alumni have nothing better to do.”
HELP.
I DON’T
Campus bully bigoted against bigots
President Reveley refuses to pay, promises retaliation
Beware the facebook upon which the sun never sets SEAN SPLICER FOR THE BOWLED
Rallying an assembly of his adherents, campus bully and spiritual leader spoke Tuesday about the need to address the growing threat of kappa delta’s tasteless playlists. “Anyone who has ever looked into the glazed eyes of a soldier dying on the battlefield will think hard before starting a war,” he said. “And I have saved the receipts.” The spiritual leader, who spoke to a reporter while the fate of the playlistcreator lay, fragile, in his hands, said he did not take his influence lightly. “The great questions of the day will not be settled by means of speeches and majority decisions,” he said, offering up his hand in a “thumbs down” formation, indicating to his supporters
Inept Reveley Board of Visitors WMPD Student Assembly City Council Banner Sodexo
the fate of the playlistcreator. The spiritual leader, the powerful political boss who in recent years has become something of a cult leader, stood motionless amid a bank of computer terminals where feverish freshmen carried out his political bidding. “Those who view my Facebook statuses will kneel before me,” he said. “Those who click my tweets will tremble where they stand. My instas will blot out the sun.” Saying that he hoped his work would make campus life difficult for bigots on campus, the spiritual leader added that he would not stop until systemic discrimination was rooted out on campus. “Also, we’ve got to get rid of all those bigots,” he said.
Today’s Weather 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
CW Wall to be “so, so beautiful” DICK CHENEY JEB 4 PREZ
The Colonial Williamsburg Foundation announced earlier this week that it has plans to build a large wall around the historic area in order to force people to buy tickets to enter the property. The Foundation President held a press conference Saturday describing the plans. “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively,” he said. “I will build a great, great wall on our Boundary Street border, and I will make William and Mary pay for that wall. Mark my words.” The wall would block illegal entrance into Duke of Gloucester Street as well as from the side streets around Colonial Williamsburg. With his remark on the College paying for it, the Foundation President incited College president Tay Reveille to respond. “We will not pay for any goddamn wall,” Reveille said. “This border wall is an insult to the community and to the
COURTESY PHOTO / BRITISH GENERAL CORNWALLIS
Proposed security enforcement plan presented by the Colonial Williamsburg Foundation.
College.” Upon realizing students would probably still be able to get in with their William and Mary ID cards, Reveile continued. “It’s still some bulls**t and a waste of money,” he said. “How about you spend money on bringing people together and inviting them in rather than keeping people out?” The Foundation President has not swayed from his
Inside GREEK LIFE
convictions and does not appear to care about saving the traditional Williamsburg aesthetic any more. Citing requirements for the wall to be 30 feet high and ‘beautiful from the CW side,’ the wall appears more and more ridiculous. If the wall goes up between CW and the rest of Williamsburg, it will not stop illegal entrances, just make people find more creative
ways to get in. The Foundation President believes the plan will generate jobs and save millions, when really it could cost the whole foundation on which the colonial town stands. When asked about it, Foundation President had put one thing to say. “We’re going to make Colonial Williamsburg great again,” he said.
Inside ADMINISTRATION
Srat Signs or Gang Signs? The Fat Head investigates.
Campus sexologist definitely f**ks Like, definitely. (Photo is actually him, btw.)
100% Chance of Special Snowflakes
page 4
page 6
Best Spotify Playlists on Campus Listen up for some fresh new beats
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special snowflakes
Gripes Editor Jenny from the Block Complainers Editor Some Penguins Fan catchthefeelz@fathead.com
The Fat Head
BUZZED QUOTES
|Not today satan | Page 2
We’re “definitely” going to be thorough in removing any mold and making it livable. — W&M Real Estate Executive Director Naan C Pukecannon, lying through her teeth after leaving OTP full of mold
Brother from another alma mater Fat Head gets the exclusive with Revely’s articulate black friend
Fat Head Faux-file
WHO RUN’S WM? WOMEN
I HAVE SEX, I SWEAR
*BUT LIKE BEHIND THE SCENES
CLERIC GARY’S SON Resident Sexologist
GINGEE RAMBLER
Fight Song Hillz Rodham
Sexual Healing Marvey Gay
Girl Power
S&M
Cheatah Girlz
Ri Ri I Kissed a Girl
Independent Women Destinee’s Spawn
Cat-e Purr-e
NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA, CHEESEBRO?
COURTESY PHOTO / THE DARK KNIGHT
After disappearing for several months, a man spotted WM Police Chief Debby Cheesebrah draped in what looked to be a homemade superhero costume running around trying to stop a group of spraypainters. Calling herself The Mask of Justice, she has become a vigilante to take the law into her own hands to fight the rising gangs of the Burg.
BEGGING FOR SOCIAL MEDIA INTERACTION
F
PROBABLY SOMEONE WHITE // UNQUALIFIED RACIAL REPORTER
On Wed. March 29, College of Wiliam and Mary President Taylor Reveley met with Black Lives Matter organizers to discuss concerns held by students of color. During the over 90 minute discussion, Reveley heralded the successes he’s had in solving issues of race, including his own introduction to racial discrimination through his one black friend. This week, The Fat Head sat down with Ben, Revely’s black friend to find out more about their friendship. Fat Head: When did you and Taylor meet? Ben: Taylor and I go waaaay back. It’s a funny story how we met actually. We were at a law school reception and he happened to ask me the time. When I told him he slapped a five dollar bill in my hand as a tip. Can you believe he thought I was a waiter?! We still laugh about that to this day. Fat Head: Okay, what’s the best part about being friends with Taylor? COURTESY PHOTO / “HAPPY BLACK MAN” STOCK PHOTOS Ben: Well, the best thing about Taylor is his Not pictured: Revely’s black friend. Instead, we offer a stock photo of a smiling black man, he won’t know the difference. open-mindedness and sense of humor. We’ve been friends for over 40 years now and he never makes me feel like that black friend. In fact, he never really seems to acknowledge that I’m black at all. Fat Head: 4o years is a long time to be friends. You and Taylor have never discussed race at all? Ben: I mean, Taylor always says I’m not the typical black dude, ya know? He’s always making jokes about how articulate I sound over the phone and stuff like that. The way we see it, why even see race at all? He’s not a white guy, he’s my best pal and I’m his best friend too. Fat Head: His best friend who happens to be black… Ben: I’m not sure what you mean… Fat Head: Ummm. Alright then. What’s your favorite thing to do with Taylor? Ben: Lately Taylor had really been into gardening. He turned half of his backyard into a really nice plot and has been planting a ton of stuff. A few weeks ago he threw out his back so I’ve been doing most of the work while he gets back on his feet. He also burns easily so he spends a lot of time in the house. Skin care has always been important to Taylor. Fat Head: Sorry, but this seems kinda problematic… Ben: I don’t know what you mean. What’s problematic about two pals doing work together? Fat Head: It seems like he’s taking advantage of your work. Do you feel that way? Ben: I mean he’s really like a master gardener to me and I’m his humble apprentice doing his dirty work with hopes for a better time in the future. Fat Head: ...Uh huh.
BUTT HURT
Follw The Fat Head’s new Finsta for the real thoughts on the news #openyoureyessheeple
A THOUSAND F**KS I DON’T GIVE
3 ways to make the ‘Burg great again Resident calls on Trump to defend Colonial Williamsburg from ISIS threat CONCERNED WILLIAMSBURGIAN TOWNIE 4 LIFE
GENERAL MAD DOG BIELSIOVNA
CORRECTION
In 1974, the president of Colonial Williamsburg proposed the erection of a fence to close free access to the historic attraction. The proposition never came to fruition and that is the day America’s birthplace started to die. With the election of the venerable and supreme President Donald Trump, a new wave of patriotism has ignited a recommitment to American values and CW should follow suit. Discussions to build CW’s Great Wall have already resurfaced, but it’s not enough. These are a few simple suggestions to make CW something the Founding Fathers would be proud of.
1. Build the Wall
The Flat Hat never existed. It was never real. It was all a figment of your imagination. That story about students protesting stuff — you never read it. That story about therapy dogs in Swem — nope, nuhuh, not real. That story about WM reducing tuition — oh hell no, that definitely wasn’t real.
The Fat Head ‘INSTABILITY ET INSANITY’ | ESTABLISHED THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED You’ll never find us
Call us. Beep us. If you wanna reach us. (Jokes on you, we disconnect our phone 2 years ago) TO THE dontemailme@fathead.com WINDOW seriouslydont@fathead.com TO THE snailmailonly@fathead.com WALL orlikecarrierpigeon@fathead.com
TILL THE betteryet@fathead.com SWEAT DRIP findusontinder@fathead.com DOWN swiperight@fathead.com MY BALLS ;)@fathead.com
This wall is not to protect us from illegal aliens. This wall is to protect us from the false and cancerous narrative of socialism. The main reason the wall has built an unwarranted controversy is that CW is comprised of “public” streets. Why in the name of our lord and righteous savior, Jesus Christ, should loyal Americans be expected to pay for the upkeep of a streets we can’t even drive on. Instead of funding this popular tourist attraction with stolen tax dollars, the wall will ensure people only pay for CW when they want to use it, the way Capitalism intended.
‘Not Eleanor’ Anti-Patriarchy Chief Bavinci Oxford Comma Executioner Sandypants Spellign Tzar Wilhombres Not Fact-Checking Chief Seaohbanne Clicky-Click Editor Sean Weiner Googley Eyes Editor Oh Sweet Moses $$$$$$$$$ Muzzelmill Russian Hacker
In the past few decades, the emerging political correctness of infantile collegiate elitists has sanitized and censored the inspirational story that is America. CW’s attempts to provide an authentic colonial experience, such as assigning service roles entirely to African-Americans and holding mock slave auctions, have been met with unwarranted concerns from those who subscribe to the agenda of antiAmericanism. It is funny how the same people who bemoan the “erasure” of African-Americans from history are so against an accurate representation of the opportunities afforded to them by our countries founders. Through immigrant labor programs, AfricanAmericans gained a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be a part of something greater than themselves and the sporadic tribes they left behind for our great land of opportunity, and that’s how CW should be presented.
3.
firearms makes it too easy for ISIS spies to infiltrate CW ranks and report weaknesses back to mother base. I have nothing but respect for the greatest generation the world has ever seen, but some young blood in the barracks would do some good. CW is going to have a wall and we’re going to need men to defend it. We are the womb that birthed a nation and ISIS isn’t stupid enough to see the symbolic importance of attacking us. Maybe some combat will melt the snowflakes that cause ISIS to hate America so much, but we’ve never been in more danger and CW cannot and will not fall.
Increase the CW Defense Budget
40% of Williamsburg is William and Mary students, but these special snowflakes can’t even fight a statue, so who can we count on to defend America’s birthplace when ISIS inevitably attacks? CW’s militia is a joke and their allowance of civilian usage of their
COURTESY PHOTO / RACIST ALUMNI 40% of Williamsburg is William and Mary students, but these special snowflakes can’t even fight a statue, so who can we count on to defend America’s birthplace when ISIS inevitably attacks?
STREET BEAT
How will you decorate your new room at the Days Inn?
Izander Hamilton Fake News Emmy Chodemont More Productive Than You Sruiz likedabreeze Bill Nye’s Daughter Luke-ass Eurotrash Ex-spurt Eyerash Sriracha Taste-tester Salacious Smith Dog Editor Narnia Lion, Witch, & Wardrobe Editor Rakoontz Pretty Layout Editor Akemi Matata Aesthetic Editor Christopher Tobbin UNC Editor Ally Gatorzak First Lady Sporks Editor J-YOWZA Special Snowflakes Editor Stumpy Gripes Editor
2. Eliminate political correctness. Support history.
“I heard mold is evergreen” — Salty Smith ‘19
“I sleep in a coccoon in the bottom of campus center.” — Betty Crocker, Jr ‘18
“If 2017 taught me anything, it’s this: Gotta wrap your whole body in pastic or the chlamydia and lead posioning’ll getcha.” — Pirate Radio ‘18
“Gonna get me some hand soap. Bitches love hand soap.” — Party Anamelia ‘18
fat head filth!!!! SA reaches peak self-actualization and ceases to be OVER N OUTTTTT LONG-SUFFERING SA CORRESPONDENT
In stunning moment of selfrealization, SA realizes no one gives a s**t This past week after hotboxing a room in Blow Hall with their own hot air, the SA saw the light and voted to disband the organization after they realized no one really cared about what they did. After 100 years of existence, someone finally chose to take the SA up on its public comment section of its meeting, and boy it didn’t go like they thought it would. The brave commenter stood up, shouted: “this all sucks,” and left the room. Distraught over the brutal truth they had just heard, the senators passed a resolution disbanding the SA, picked up their toys and left for good. Turns out the mastermind behind the whole scheme was
STOP EATING PAPER GODDAMMIT
none other than Chief of Staff Sahillary Mehrodham. He said, “You all thought I was a Leo McGarry, but I’m much more of a Cyrus Beene.” Dani O’Heyyy was unfortunately not there to see his favorite organization’s demise. When asked for comment, a single tear slid down his cheek, a violin materialized in his hand, and he excused himself to go into a closed session of one. When asked what she thought of the shocking move, SA advisor Trixie Frederico said, “Frees up my Tuesday nights, but now I’ll need a new babysitting gig.” In other news, SA Prezzie Eh-Bone-E landed a book deal to recount her one-year as WM’s reigning queen. The book is rumored to be titled, “Lean Out: Frat Bros, Resolutions, and All My Regrets.” Meanwhile, SA Veep Hannie Bananie will be dropping her first single on her new EP, “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Getting the F*ck Out.”
Hey, you. Yeah — you, f**ker. Don’t eat this, okay? A lot of you seem to think that it’s alright to go about eating all your disagreements. Well, we at The Flat Hat have an opinion on all this fibrous gustation. That opinion is no. Stop it. It’s gross. Maybe you think it’s tasty. Like a nice, chalky, inky salad. Like a sumptuous mealy hash, or a savory unleavened chupatty… Well, okay, it doesn’t sound too bad, we suppose. But it’s deviant, and it needs to stop. Maybe you think it will resolve your problems. Like the endless stream of inane, tedious, bulls**t will silence itself the moment the sweet, sweet ridges of this freshly printed newsprint touch your virgin tastebuds. Like the arbitrary yet all-consuming weight of living every moment will ease up a bit in the pause granted by a few moments of hempen expiation. Maybe that’s all true. But stop it, f**ker. It’s f**king sick. Look, we get it. It’s hard to resist the temptation to turn to the ol’ crunch sometimes. But you’re not helping yourself. And you’re making us all look f**king gross, sicko. So stop it.
Don’t you wanna be? Varietayyyyyyyy! Kitkat rocks Jellie will forever be lesser than flathat.variety@gmail.com
The Fat Head | Tuesday, June 15, 1992 | Page:)
YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
Thomas Jefferson statue warranty just barely expired
GINJA AAMBLA OVERHEARD AT W&M FACEBOOK ADMIN
Following the vandalism of one of campus’ most iconic spots, the administration of the College of William and Mary has come to the conclusion that the red paint splattered across the notable alum’s hands is unable to be removed without irreprable damaging its bronze finish. Sources close to the situation report that the administrators, unwilling to take an L on the controversial but photogenic figure, have met significant obstacles in their attempts to just have the damn thing replaced. Grounds Manager,Calvin Cavalier confirmed that the College’s attempts to return the statue to the University of Virginia was met with a firm “no gives-backsies”. “We’re preppy and problematic enough as it is,” said Cavalier, “We don’t need any more baggage to deal with. William and Mary can deal with this on their own.” With this solution a dead end, Administrators reportedly attempted to locate the statue’s gift receipt in the pile of boxes in the attic of the Wren Building. “It’s amazing that we still have all this junk up here,” said College historian Betty Botetourt, “But perhaps keeping all this paper in the attic is why the Wren keeps burning down every few years.” Despite hours of searching for the gift receipt, administrators were left exasperated when the statue’s orinial manufacturer informed them that the statue could not be replaced as its warranty had expired barely two weeks ago.
Flat Hat Staff Whiter than the Paper it’s Printed On Token Black Editor Breaks Silence, Drags Beloved Publication for Filth (you all knew this was coming) BY GWEN IFILL’S GHOST TOKEN BLACK EDITOR
For what it’s worth, I’ve enjoyed my time as a member of the Flat Hat staff. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years, received our fair share of hate and have attempted time and time again to practice good journalistic standards. However, as I prepare to depart the staff and our dingy office basement, there’s one thing I’ve just gotta say... THE FLAT HAT NEEDS MORE BLACK STAFFERS! Seriously,
staff! Are you freaking kidding me? Upon my graduation, The Flat Hat will be left with NO BLACK EDITORS! Three years I’ve been an editor and the blackest this staff has been was drunkenly belting Marvin Gaye and that song “Glory” from Selma. I mean seriously, this is supposed to be satirical but damn y’all, s**t’s getting real! You’re supposed to be the student voice of this campus, holding our semi-delirious, hasn’tpondered-racialdiscrimination-since-
black-people-had-touse-separate-waterfountains-and-thinkspasty-white-countsas-a-color President Reveley accountable, yet besides a few columnists scattered here and there, the representation of black staffers and their perspectives is dismal. Sure, you cover a range of topics relating to race, diversity and inclusion. You maintain professional working relationships with sources and organizations on issues of race, but at the end of the day are you
really thrilled with how you’re representing and listening to black voices when staff meetings are whiter than the cast of “La La Land”? Reporting on racial issues is more than regurgitating data, statistics, and task force reports. In the same way that journalists must acknowledge their own bias, it’s also crucial to acknowledge your own privilege. How are you supposed to do that with no black peers to hold this paper or its reporters accountable? I swear, this paper is so chock full of
white feminists it’s suffocating. If I had a dollar for every time a news article on black issues was dismissed as “not really a story” without proper investigation, I could fund the entire Africana Studies program (which should be made a fullfledged department by now, but I digress). It’s high time that this staff took a long, hard look in the mirror and consider how to better represent the student voice before you end up like Becky with the bad press.
Actual Flat Hat staff meeting #muchdiverse #veryinclusion
On the BOV Fat Head Asks:What’s A Swampy and looking for Meme?????? a discrete relationship? BOV Meet is the ONLY dating app designed to help you connect with the College...
Call 1-800-BOVMEET
s**tposting UVA and Princeton
definitely NOT political
the only thing keeping me alive this semester
a safe space from toxic alumni unoriginal and uninspired
actual millenial trash
ball is life
Jaded Ghost Nathan Chipotle UNC Stan Kristoff Travers Girl Power A-List GraySox fatheadsporks@gmail.com @nickcip
The Fat Head | Tuesday, April 4, 2017 | Page 10
HOT TAKES / COLD CUTS
Tribe announces Division I bubble soccer team With waning interest/results in football, Tribe Athletics will put Zable to better use with emerging program
AT LEAST WE BEAT RICHMOND? LECOCK DID THE CRUST SHOOTING Citing a lack of interest in the program, Tribe Athletics decided during spring workouts that its Division I Football Championship Subdivision football team would disband, favoring a co-ed D1 bubble soccer team beginning this fall. Bubble soccer was experimented with in a tournament during halftimes of standard soccer games in 2016, with the
COURTESY PHOTO / JIMMYE’S MOM
Coach candidate Limme JeCock, definitely not ex-coach Jimmer LeCock. Not at all.
championship of its tournament taking place during the Oct. 29 football game vs Maine. With the tournament becoming
a smash hit, the winners all earn full scholarships for this revolutionary program’s inaugural season. “We were very excited to be able to make this change before I leave,” retiring athletics director Darry Triscoll said. “I played basketball, so I’ve kind of always hated football. Now bubble soccer, I can get behind that.” Zable Stadium will continue to be a home for the Tribe, though the field goal posts will be removed to make room for soccer goals. The team’s headquarters will be in the former Jimmer LeCock Center, which will be renamed the William and Mary Bubble Soccer Command Center. “It was a good thing we did the big stadium renovation when we did,” senior assistant athletic director Petyr Klawzon said. “Football isn’t really popular in Williamsburg anymore, but bubble soccer is going to be huge. We might need another tier of seats to fit all the fans in Zable now.” It was also announced that football will remain as a club team. The team’s games will be played during the halftime of bubble soccer matches each week. The announcements were made earlier this week internally at a Tribe
COURTESY PHOTO / LOTS OF BALLZ
The new bubble soccer team will compete in the Southern Teams Real Eight-Man Bubble Soccer League of Original Leaders (Str8BSLOL).
coaches meeting. Former head football coach Jimmer LeCock stormed off upon realizing his fate and has not been seen since. In other news, Tribe athletics has been hosting interviews for bubble soccer head coach this week. The frontrunner is a mysterious yet familiar-
looking man who calls himself “Limmer JeCock”, pictured at left. “It’s great to be back – I mean here for the first time,” JeCock said while winking. The first season of bubble soccer has a mix of regional and national opponents. The schedule begins Sept. 2 at Thomas Nelson Community College and is
followed with nine more games featuring Tidewater Community College, MiamiOhio Tulsa Annex, Rhode Island School of Design, Ohio College of Clown Arts, University of Phoenix, ITT Technical Institute, School of Rock, School of Hard Knocks, and of course the season finale against Richmond.
OPINIONS = FACTS #WELCOMETOTRUMP’SAMERICA
SALTY? ME?
March Sadness party ready to go for 2017 Rename Zable ‘Doritos 78th annual event missing Northwestern, hosted on NCAA ‘ship night C’MON GUYS 105 POINTS? WERE YOU ASLEEP? After falling once again in the Colonial Athletic Association tournament, William and Mary men’s basketball announced it will once again host its annual March Sadness party for the record 78th year in a row. “It’s really quite special,” head coach Toni Chever said. “To be one of now four original NCAA teams to have never made it to March Madness from 1939 to 2017, it’s astounding. Couldn’t be more proud of our guys for upholding William and Mary traditions.” March Sadness this year will take place in the Kaplan Arena multi-purpose room and will be potluck style. Tribe Athletics will be providing orange slices and donuts, though the donuts will be plain unglazed. “Sprinkles are for winners,” athletic director Derry Triscoll said. “If this team wants to play like a sub-par mid-major school, it gets subpar mid-major level donuts.” After a harrowing season playing eventual Round of 32 chokers Duke and Louisville among other teams, the Tribe once again failed to get a berth in March Madness. Senior wing O-Boom Kentucky Long Rifle Blewit ends his career along with fellow senior guard Damn-Daniel MasonDixonLine after the duo couldn’t guide the team to the CAA finals like Marcus Thorntown, the 2015 phenom who is unfortunately fading into obscurity until his number is retired. MasonDixonLine broke down into tears at the conclusion of the CAA Semifinal against North Carolina – Not That UNC, probably because he was so excited to get to host a March Sadness party after three years of simply attending them. He declined to comment. “MasonDixonLine is going through a lot,” junior point guard David Kony2012 said. “I’m fine because the Cubs won the Series this year but damn, he’s a senior and I feel for him, having to host March Sadness this year.” As usual, the Tribe is inviting Army, the Citadel and St. Francis (NY) to the party as the other four original NCAA teams to have never made the tournament. An invitation was sent to Northwestern, who had attended the previous 77 parties, but a
MUSTY MARUADER STILL AT LARGE The legendary bandit continues to terrorize Ho House by tearing down flyers and posters from dorm walls. He sent this letter in to the Fat Head editor mocking RA efforts to catch him: “Dear Boss Editor, I keep on hearing the honor council have caught me but they won’t fix me just yet. I have laughed when they look so clever and talk about being on the right track. That joke about Keystone Ice gave me real fits. I am down on papers and I shant quit ripping them till I do get buckled. Grand work the last job was. I gave the sign no time to squeal. How can they catch me now. I love my work and want to start again. You will soon hear of me with my funny little games. I saved one of the papers from the last job to write this on, but it was too torn up and I cant use it. This mangled scrap is fit enough I hope ha. ha. The next job I do I shall shred the RA’s boards off and send to the campus PD just for jolly wouldn’t you. Keep this letter back till I do a bit more work, then give it out straight. My fingernails are so nice and sharp I want to get to work right away if I get a chance. Good Luck. Yours truly, The Musty Marauder Dont mind me giving the trade name PS Wasnt good enough to post this before I got all the red ink off my hands curse it. No luck yet. They say I’m a sophomore now. ha ha”
harsh response was sent back. “Who are y’all?” the message opened. “Can’t make your lame ass event this year because we’re too busy still playing basketball. TOURNAMENT BOUND, BABY.” This year’s March Sadness party will be April 3 so as to watch Chever’s alma mater North Carolina (the real one) hopefully win another title so Chever wins the team’s bracket pool. “I’m just waiting for the March Sadness Centennial,” freshman center Knathan Nighte said. “I mean it’s 22 years away, but what are the chances the Tribe will make it by then? If we couldn’t do it when Marcus was here, we probably won’t ever.”
Locos Tacos Field’ Don’t halfass stealing For the Bold
Michael Choi
FLAT HAT SPORTS ANALYST
COURTESY PHOTO / CRYING JORDAN
Nighte encourages MasonDixonLine to leave his feelings out on the court.
IN OTHER NEWS... The babies who competed in this year’s Gold Rush haltime race were signed to full track and field scholarships on National Signing Day. Team officials commented “They probably need to mature a bit before competing but we’re lucky to have them.”
If you aren’t going to do something right, don’t do it at all. Live mad, not just mas.When William and Mary stole Doritos’ slogan “For the Bold,” I was like, why not just rename the school Doritos University. At the very least, we need to rename the school’s biggest stadium, Zable, after the Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell. I propose making an exclusive partnership for Taco Bell to sponsor all athletics teams at the College and also replace Sodexo with Taco Bell. It’s not like the shits could get any worse than with Sodexo, so might as well get some dank Triple Double Crunchwraps instead of the same old food every week. Anyway, if we get Taco Bell to sponsor us, we have to name the stadium Doritos Locos Tacos Field and change the jerseys to Taco Bell’s colors. This definitely wouldn’t just be so that Doritos doesn’t sue William and Mary for its entire billion dollar campaign for slogan infringement, but mostly so I don’t have to get friends to drive me down Richmond Road to Taco Bell late at night when I’m too stoned to drive there. If William and Mary really wants to make a name for themselves in the athletic community, they need to learn to play better. That part is obvious. But we can also get a spotlight on ESPN if we adopt Taco Bell as our sponsor.
HO SQUAD CORNER
Infamous sports commenter Brandon Beejay wins Pulitzer Song parodies, cryptic codes highlight 26+ comments being honored this year MARVEL BOY EVERBIA DM After generating laugh after laugh in comment moderators around the Fat Head, acclaimed commenter Brandon Beejay has made it big time, becoming the first internet commenter to be awarded the Pulitzer Prize. Commenting on Nathan Chipotle’s years of sports writing, Beejay provided laughs for the ages. The committee first found out about Beejay about seven months ago when he commented on the nine things that bothered him in Disney’s 1955 classic “Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier” on the 2016 volleyball season preview. From there, they saw the extent of his wit and stream of conciousness style that marked strokes of genius within the writer.
An excerpt from comments on Chipotle’s summer sports piece begins “Summer sports. Ah. The smell of popcorn. The taste of a cold beer on a hot day.” and quickly devolves into chaos with “why is it called “The Flat Hat” and not “The Fat Hlat”? That L placement seems pretty fucking arbitrary. Every time I say “arbitrary” I pretend I’m a pirate. Anyone else do that? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh bitrary, matey! Raise the main sails! What do you do with a drunken Nicky, what do you do with a drunken Nicky, what do you do with a drunken Nicky, early in the morning?” Truly a master of his craft, the excerpt shows the true madness of the modern generation and the superfluous nature and flexibility of the news and the internet.
Though we at the Fat Head wish to share more of Beejay’s works, many of them are long form and cannot be displayed here due to space constraints. It isn’t known whether Beejay will retire or return, but the world has already been graced with his plot synopsis of Rookie of the Year (1993), rewritten lyrics for Kanye West, Aaron Carter and Spongebob as well as cryptic codes, classics recitations and allusions to the best ride at Busch Gardens, Curse of DarKastle. Of course, Beejay is also lauded for his photo repainting of Chipotle as Guy Fieri. Beejay is expected to receive the award later this month. When asked for a comment, he said this: “My dad never thought my hobby of using Microsoft Paint to show the world how similar Nathan is to Guy
COURTESY PHOTO / BRANDON BEEJAY
“Be the change you want to see in the world” - Nigel Thornberry - Brandon Beejay on a women’s golf article
Fieri would ever pay off. Look at me now, dad!” Beejay’s dad declined to comment, likely due to being too proud of his son.