Ways to Well-being - Student Workbook (International Version) - Sample

WAYS TO WELL-BEING ...A WELL-BEING COURSE FOR STUDENTS

JOHN DORAN

OK N O B O RK EDITI O W L

A NT TION E UD A ST TERN IN

1

DEAR STUDENT, I am excited to bring to you this international edition of Ways to Well-being.

When you look at a picture of your family and friends with you in it, who do you look for first? Yourself. This workbook is for and about you, and designed to help you grow to make the most of this precious life.

Well-being is a combination of feeling good as well as actually having meaning, good relationships and accomplishment.

– Martin Seligman

The only thing certain about the future is that the pace of change will never be slower than it is today. The exercises in this book will strengthen your well-being muscles, and help you with all the choices and challenges ahead as you invest in your well-being and strive towards fulfilling your amazing potential. Making your mark in the world, and your dint in the universe.

SAMPLE

A person that is balanced and fulfilled across various areas of their life, including social, relationship, health and community, is more likely to have developed greater resilience to cope with life’s ups and downs and achieve a feeling of accomplishment.

The aim of this workbook is to explore some of the themes associated with well-being with you, to empower you to increase your own personal well-being.

Each chapter has elements for you to fill in which are important reflections for you on your journey. At every stage along the way ask yourself, ‘How am I growing?' This workbook is something I sincerely hope you may wish to keep with you after school as it is a resource for life which can be dipped in and out of in the future and also an opportunity to reflect on your journey. Indeed, you may find the stories and quotes grow with you and reveal different insights as you travel further on your journey of discovery.

Enjoy your journey into well-being.

JOHN DORAN I would very much welcome your feedback and to partner with you on your adventure through these pages. Feel free to follow me on Twitter / Instagram @awaytowellbeing 2

Table of contents 1 Relationship with life CHAPTER 1

KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU

06

CHAPTER 2

THE TREE OF GREATNESS

12

CHAPTER 3

INTRODUCING THE CONCEPT OF STRESS

16

CHAPTER 4

MINDFULNESS

18

CHAPTER 5

AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE: COUNTING OUR BLESSINGS

26

CHAPTER 6

FINDING THE HAPPINESS (H) FACTOR

28

CHAPTER 7

LIVING LIFE WITH A PURPOSE

30

CHAPTER 8

WHAT I VALUE THE MOST

41

SAMPLE

2 Relationship with emotions EMOTIONS

46

C H A P T E R 1 0 EMOTION MANAGEMENT

48

C H A P T E R 1 1 CHANNELLING EMOTIONS

52

C H A P T E R 1 2 FACING FEAR

54

C H A P T E R 1 3 IT IS OKAY NOT TO FEEL OKAY

56

C H A P T E R 1 4 EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EQ)

58

C H A P T E R 1 5 BELIEFS

61

C H A P T E R 1 6 UNDERSTANDING AND CHANGING LIMITING BELIEFS

64

C H A P T E R 1 7 VALUING OURSELVES

74

CHAPTER 9

3

3 Relationship with mindset, meaning and purpose C H A P T E R 1 8 REACTION TO EVENTS: INTRODUCING MINDSET

80

C H A P T E R 1 9 GROWTH VERSUS FIXED MINDSET

84

C H A P T E R 2 0 RESILIENCE

90

C H A P T E R 2 1 STRENGTHS

95

C H A P T E R 2 2 THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND

97

C H A P T E R 2 3 A LIFE OF MEANING AND PURPOSE

99

SAMPLE

102

C H A P T E R 2 4 GIVING BACK

4 Relationship with the past, present and future

4

C H A P T E R 2 5 THE CONCEPT OF FLOW

106

C H A P T E R 2 6 LETTING GO

108

C H A P T E R 2 7 THE GIFT

110

C H A P T E R 2 8 BACK TO THE FUTURE

114

C H A P T E R 2 9 YOUR BUCKET LIST

118

C H A P T E R 3 0 THE GOLDEN TICKET: TIME

120

C H A P T E R 3 1 BARRIERS TO RELATIONSHIPS

124

C H A P T E R 3 2 LEARNING FROM THE SUCCESSFUL LIVES OF OTHERS

126

5 Relationship with personality, talent and performance C H A P T E R 3 3 PERSONALITY

132

C H A P T E R 3 4 ON THE RIGHT TRACK

138

C H A P T E R 3 5 RELATIONSHIP TO PERFORMANCE UNDER PRESSURE AND GOAL SETTING

145

C H A P T E R 3 6 PRESSURE SOLUTION STRATEGIES

152

C H A P T E R 3 7 BENEFITS OF FAILURE

162

C H A P T E R 3 8 RELATIONSHIP TO SLEEP, DIET AND EXERCISE

164

SAMPLE

C H A P T E R 3 9 THE POWER OF LISTENING

168

C H A P T E R 4 0 FRIENDSHIP

174

C H A P T E R 4 1 LIKING OURSELVES

182

C H A P T E R 4 2 YOUR MISSION STATEMENT

185

C H A P T E R 4 3 WAYS OF RESOLVING CONFLICT

192

6 Reflective journal C H A P T E R 4 4 RECORDING AND REFLECTING ON MY ASPIRATIONS AND JOURNEY

198

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RelationshipwithLife

CHAPTER 1

1

What is important to you?

KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU

H

ow well do you know yourself?

Before you begin this journey into well-being, it is important to

know where you are starting from and where it is you would like to go.

Take some time now to complete the

SAMPLE

following exercise, which will help you in getting to know yourself better.

2

Your fears?

Ask yourself at the end how aware were you of all your answers, did anything

surprise you, do you know yourself any better now?

Who am I?

4

5

Three ambitions/ dreams for the future?

6

When you think of your childhood, what meal comes to mind and why?

3

Favourite funny moment/ joke?

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Your bad habits?

7

Your favourite TV show / film?

8

One thing you feel passionate about

SAMPLE 9

Create your own motto or crest.

10

What piece of music best represents you?

7

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Life

CHAPTER 1

Think of something that represents you, a symbol, a song, motto, logo, or animal. Why does it represent you best?

SAMPLE 12

13

14

List ten things that you love to do.

8

If you absolutely could not fail what would you choose to do?

What would you love to do with the rest of your life if money was not a factor?

15

Everyone has talents, gifts and abilities. What are your top three?

16

Think of a person you really admire.

What qualities does that person have?

17

Life

CHAPTER 1

If you asked your best friend to describe you, what words would they use?

SAMPLE 18

If a seven-inch plank of wood was pitched between two skyscrapers, for what, if anything, would you be willing to cross?

Lifelines Life is full of ups and downs. Part of the challenge of life is turning obstacles into opportunities, stumbling blocks into stepping stones and dead-ends into doorways.

On the diagram below, chart your life's memorable moments, going as far back as you can remember. The higher the spike the more positive the moment. The lower the spike the more challenging.

Ex

ample highs

lows

9

Life

CHAPTER 1

Who packed your parachute?

Author Unknown

C

harles Plumb had the misfortune many

you see, I was a pilot and he was just a sailor.”

years ago of being captured during a conflict

Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor

after surviving a parachute jump. Fortunately, he

had spent at a long wooden table in the

survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons

bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the

learned from that experience.

shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting

someone he didn’t know.

in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, “You’re Plumb! I know you! Do

Now, Plumb asks his audience, “Who’s

SAMPLE

you remember me?”

packing your parachute?”

Everyone has someone who

“I apologise, Sir, but I do not recall

provides what they need to make

our meeting. Have we done so?”

it through the day. He also points

asked Plumb.

out that he needed many kinds

of parachutes when his plane

With a look of disappointment on

his face, the gentleman replied, “I should

was shot down. He needed his

physical parachute, his mental parachute,

think so, I packed your parachute.” Plumb

his emotional parachute, and his spiritual

gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man

parachute. He called on all these supports

pumped his hand and said, “I guess it worked!”

before reaching safety.

Plumb assured him, “It sure did. If your chute hadn’t worked, I wouldn’t be here today.”

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important.

Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day.

We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. There is no such thing as a self-made

Plumb couldn’t sleep that night, thinking

person – a lot of things and people contribute

about the man. Plumb says, “I kept wondering

to our success and well-being in all sorts of

what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a

ways. Who are those people in your life?

white hat, a bib in the back, and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said, ‘Good morning, how are you?’ or anything, because,

10

Life

CHAPTER 1

Write in the bubbles who packs your parachute.

SAMPLE Ex

ample

Exte Famnded ily

Fam

ily

Sch

ool

Frie

nds

TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

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RelationshipwithLife

CHAPTER 2

THE TREE OF GREATNESS

The Great Timber

SAMPLE – Douglas Malloch

The tree that never had to fight

For sun and sky and air and light, But stood out in the open plain

And always got its share of rain, Never became a forest king

But lived and died a scrubby thing ...

Good timber does not grow with ease, The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

– Virginia Satir 12

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How the elements of a tree can represent life Leaves

represent the talents and gifts of the individual - the things that make you stand out from the crowd.

SAMPLE

Branches Who we hang out with and hang on to.

Buds

represent hopes, dreams and ambitions for the future.

Trunk

Flowers

represent our accomplishments and moments we are proud of.

represents our strength in times of challenge.

How strong is yours on a scale of 1-10?

Roots

though not visible represent the sources of our strength and energy.

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Life

CHAPTER 2

Over to you. In the space provided draw your tree.

Don’t worry, it doesn’t es Leav have to be a masterpiece or a work of art. It must, Flowers however, contain the following elements: Trunk

Roots

es ch an Br

Bu ds

SAMPLE

Ex

14

ample

CHAPTER 2

Life

Blind Vision

T

he world disappeared from Steve Cunningham (the former captain of the

English blind football team) one sunny day, as his vision became shrouded in a creeping grey mist. Steve found himself totally, and irreversibly, blind at 12 years of age.

But Steve is a remarkable person. He has spent his life breaking every barrier that stood in his way.

SAMPLE Steve has battled, and overcome, more

The path to true success is in your mind, and not your ability or environment.

barriers than most people will ever face.

The fastest blind man on the planet, Steve

Steve sees no disability in his total lack of sight,

powered to world speed records on land

but takes pride in sharing true vision, which

and sea. He then took to the air, and found

many sighted people fail to recognise.

His core message is that anyone can break

barriers and that the path to true success is in your mind, not your ability or environment.

international media fame as the world's first blind pilot. The former captain of the England

So what are your gifts, strengths, talents and

blind football team does have one handicap in

opportunities? There are none so blind as

life: golf ... he plays off 24.

those that will not see.

TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

15

RelationshipwithLife

CHAPTER 3

INTRODUCING THE CONCEPT OF STRESS

S

tress is a feeling we get when

or are late for class, our body's response

struggling to cope with the pressures

is to release cortisol and adrenaline, thus

of life. Most scientists agree that some

the heart pounds, the muscles tighten, the

stress is good for us. We all need some

blood pressure rises, the breath quickens

stress to get out of bed in the morning. It

and the senses are more alert.

helps motivate us to perform at our best, stimulating our body to produce the

When we stay stressed for too long, it

SAMPLE

important hormones cortisol and

has many negative effects on our

adrenaline.

bodies. Cortisol inhibits some of your immune responses,

Eat healthy, nutritious food and exercise to beat stress.

meaning you’re more likely to

get sick and it may take longer

for wounds to heal. Cortisol

also slows bone growth, meaning

These are known as 'stress hormones'.

sustained levels can lead to weaker,

Cortisol prepares a body for a 'fight or flight'

more fragile bones. And because cortisol

response when stressed. It does this by

acts on a part of your brain that controls

shutting down unnecessary functions like

appetite, it also increases your desire for

the reproductive and the immune system, in

fatty and sugary foods.

order to allow the body to direct all energies towards dealing with the stress at hand.

Thus, remaining stressed for too long causes

Adrenaline also prepares the body for the

the body to become distressed.

‘fight or flight’ response in times of stress by increasing the body's heart rate, blood pressure,

To manage stress:

and expanding the air passages of the lungs.

We need small amounts of these hormones to function properly, however in large supply they damage our health and well-being.

X eat healthy, nutritious food, X exercise, X practise mindfulness, X get plenty of sleep.

A high-stress event can cause a serious

16

imbalance in the amount of cortisol and

There is nothing good to say about chronic

adrenaline in our bodies, whether that event

stress, therefore it is important that we

is real or imagined, physical or psychological.

develop methods of managing stress more

So whether we have a fight with a friend,

effectively.

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What are the main sources of stress in a teenager’s life?

SAMPLE TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

17

RelationshipwithLife

CHAPTER 4

MINDFULNESS

M

indfulness is a skill and a practice

in the present moment. Worrying is a bit

that first started over 2,000

like being in a rocking chair, you are doing

years ago. Very simply it is non-

something but going nowhere fast.

judgemental awareness of the present moment. It is a method of paying attention

Why is that a problem? When our minds

to what is happening in the here and now,

dart around, it can be the source of anxiety,

the present moment.

sadness, anger and so on and these feelings arise because of our mind’s tendency to judge what

SAMPLE

Mindfulness involves allowing your thoughts to just be there without judging them.

it is thinking about. How often do you hear yourself thinking, “It shouldn’t be like that;” “I

wish that was different;” "Why

Minds are wonderful things, but

me?’ “That’s no good.” Practising

sometimes they are a bit like a

mindfulness encourages you

rabbit. They dart around all over the place,

to allow your thoughts to just be there

bring you things that you don’t want and

without you judging them. It enables your

have a tendency to create a bit of a mess.

experience to be just that – your experience;

Our minds are constantly darting off to the

it allows what is the case to be the case.

past and the future: thinking about things

Mindfulness allows you to start seeing things

we have done, worrying about things we

as they really are, not how you think they

have to do and we spend very little time

are.

What might the benefits of being more mindful be?

18

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Barnacles

A

ship at sea for many years picks up

so that equates to a different thought every 1.2

thousands of barnacles that attach

seconds or two thoughts for every heartbeat.

themselves to the bottom of the ship and

Are your thoughts helping or hindering you?

eventually weigh it down, becoming

Are you listening to your inner coach

a threat to the very safety of the

or inner critic? Are you allowing

SAMPLE

vessel. Such a ship ultimately

negative thoughts live rent free

needs the barnacles removed and

in your head? Or with the help of

the least expensive way is for the

your inner coach are you turning

ship to harbour in a freshwater

dead ends into doorways, stumbling

port, free of salt water. Soon the

blocks into stepping stones and

barnacles become loose on their

obstacles into opportunities?

own and fall off. The ship is then able to return to sea, relieved of its burden.

One of your secret weapons of success is to become more aware of your thoughts,

People who practise mindfulness regularly exhibit more activity in the left pre-frontal cortex, the area of the brain associated with happiness.

noting the way you talk to others and to

Are you carrying around barnacles in the form of

Enormous amounts of research have been

mistakes, regrets, negativity or painful thoughts

done into the effects of mindfulness. It

from the past? Perhaps you need to allow

has been shown that people who practise

yourself soak in fresh water for a time. Letting go

mindfulness regularly exhibit more activity

of a burden and giving yourself a second chance

in the area of the brain associated with

may be just the deposit you need right now.

happiness. Mindfulness-based stress

Mindfulness can enable you to do just that.

reduction is one of the most validated

yourself. Yes, you talk to yourself! We are going to change how we see the word FEAR to False Expectations Appearing Real, unless it is a real fear and then it stands for Forget Everything And Run. The word FAIL to First Attempt In Learning!

treatments for stress. Regular mindfulness Over a twenty-four hour period, we can process

increases immune system function and has

up to 70,000 thoughts! This continues even as

been shown to be at least as effective at

we slumber. Every day contains 86,400 seconds

treating depression as medication.

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Life

CHAPTER 4

How do I practise it?

Mindfulness is very simple, but it takes practice to overcome our mind’s tendency to dart around. Here is a simple step-by-step guide to using breathing as a focus for mindfulness.

7

1

Find a place where you are unlikely to be disturbed.

Enjoy each breath as it comes in. Notice how your body changes as you inhale.

Enjoy each breath as it leaves.

Notice the difference in temperature of the breath as it comes in and as it goes out.

2

SAMPLE

Sit with your feet flat on the ground, your back straight and your hands comfortably in your lap.

3

Close your eyes.

4

6

Start to notice your breath coming into your body and leaving your body.

Notice the natural rhythm of your breathing.

5

20

8

You can use any sense, information or activity as a focus for mindfulness.

Try loading the dishwasher mindfully. Try eating something mindfully, paying attention to every step of eating, from holding the food in your hand/on a fork Count your breaths. to swallowing it.

Breathe in, breathe out, count 1. Breathe in, breathe out, count 2 and so on up to 10. When you 9 reach 10, go back to zero.

If your mind wanders off between counts, go back to zero and begin again.

Try walking mindfully Noticing that your mind has with your shoes wandered is mindfulness. off on the grass.

Enjoy each step.

Pay attention to any areas of stress in your body and relax them.

Bring your attention back to your breath.

What can I expect if I do practise it?

R

Life

The next time you are faced with an uncomfortable emotion try this:

CHAPTER 4

Things to try

emind yourself that this is normal and something that we all

experience from time to time. Think of others who have come through trying circumstances or when you overcame a challenge in the past.

SAMPLE Use the following techniques whenever

your inner critic kicks into overdrive. We

all have one (even your teachers!). These tools will help you zap negativity.

You will notice things in the world

X Remind yourself that these thoughts

much more and have less of a

may be inaccurate. Picture your

tendency to rush between tasks that

thoughts as nothing more than

you think have to be completed.

graffiti on a wall, as electrical impulses. Try and stand back from the thoughts and merely observe them as if you were a curious bystander.

X Imagine the stream of inner critic as coming from an FM radio station.

You may dwell much less and allow things to just be what they are.

Turn down the volume or put the radio to one side.

X Interrupt negative self talk the moment it arises. Imagine a STOP sign, and replace with positive self talk.

X Ask yourself, "Is there a different way of looking at this? Can You may be able to become calm much more quickly.

anything positive be taken from the experience?"

21

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CHAPTER 4

I speak to my athletes about relaxation.

Very few people fully realise how important relaxation is. If your brain is working while you ‘relax’ it means that you are not relaxing. You must forget yourself, the things that are stressing you out.

– Colm O’ Connell

W

The Full Breath The breath is a natural tranquiliser for the nervous system. It sends a very powerful signal to the brain to slow down the release of adrenalin.

(Always breathe in through your nose, allow the air to flow into your abdomen and let the out-breath be longer than the in-breath.)

1

Place one hand on your chest and the

other on your abdomen.

SAMPLE hen we are relaxed everything in our life is enhanced – our

health improves, we have more energy,

2

Breathing through your nose, direct the

breath down into your abdomen.

relationships are less strained, and in

addition we have more clarity and focus.

When Bill Clinton was asked what advice he

3

Pause. Exhale slowly and allow the

shoulders to release down towards the feet.

would give his successor Barack Obama,

he was quick to point out the importance

4

Continue in this manner, allowing your

of rest and relaxation. He said,

attention to rest fully on your breath:

"Most of the major mistakes I made

When thoughts intrude (as they will), don’t try to

in my life I made when I was too

get rid of them, simply label them “Thinking”, let

tired to know what I was doing - both

them be and return your attention to your breath.

personally and professionally.

Allow each breath to become slower and deeper.

When you are well rested and well

Enjoy the practice and see how it can help reduce

fed, you are better placed to pick

feelings of anxiety and increase well-being.

up on details, possibilities and opportunities."

Once you can follow your breathing in this way, you can begin to incorporate relaxed breathing into daily activities. This will give you a calmer, more focused and peaceful lifestyle.

When the practice becomes habitual you have a wonderful tool to use when upsets happen.

You then are in charge of your own inner state and respond to situations appropriately instead of reacting.

22

Muscle Relaxation Muscle relaxation will reduce physical and

g:

mental stress. First you need to learn how to tense the major muscles individually. When tensing any muscle, hold the position for

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Life

n wi

CHAPTER 4

More relaxation techniques

y some of the

a count of five, and then relax before moving on to the next muscle. It is important not to hold your breath but

SAMPLE to breathe deeply into your lungs.

Create tension in the feet by curling

tr to

the toes, then release. Move through

the body – legs, hips, back, shoulders

t an

(shrug and bring up tight to ears),

arms, hands and face in the same way.

Experience the difference between tension and relaxation. Then tense as many of the major muscle groups as you can at once,

You m

igh t

w

hold for a count of five and release.

Emergency Stop When tense or anxious say internally to yourself STOP. This gives your mind the

Finally, imagine you are breathing in soft mist and feel it flowing gently through the body.

Watching the Breath

instruction that you are in charge! Take at least three full breaths.

This is a very simple yet highly effective way of restoring calmness to mind and body.

With each out-breath let your shoulders sink

Bring your attention to the tip of the nose and

down towards your feet.

become aware of the cool air entering the nostrils and the warm air leaving them.

Allow the out-breath to be longer than the in-breath, because this is where the relaxation

Follow the breath in and out. Don’t try to

occurs.

change it, simply become aware of your own natural breathing. When your mind wanders

You could repeat an affirmation, e.g. “I am

gently bring it back to the practice. Continue

calm, relaxed and in control.”

for a few minutes.

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Life

CHAPTER 4

A farmer's thoughts run riot

T

he local farmer was all-too aware that his

will not want to lend it to me, will he?"

field needed ploughing before the onset of

After walking another field, more thoughts

the dry season. However, his own plough was

came uninvited to his head. “Come to think

broken beyond repair. Scratching his head for

of it, Tony would not be known as the most

a solution the answer emerged.

generous of neighbours. It would not surprise me that even with all his ploughing done

“I know who will lend me his plough

and the machine in perfect working

– Tony up the road. That’s what

order, he will refuse to lend it to me.

I will do. He’s a good neighbour

Mean is his middle name! He would

and wouldn’t see me stuck! He’s

take pleasure in my trouble.”

SAMPLE

a kind and generous man and

will be only too glad to help me in

The farmer walked up the driveway

my hour of need.” With a renewed

of his neighbour’s house with a head

spring in his step, the farmer started to

of steam built up, and barely contained. He

walk across the three fields that separated

knocked on the door with a furious intent, to

them. After negotiating through the first field

which his neighbour answered,

thoughts came uninvited into the farmer’s

“Good morning, Fred, great to see you, how

head. He said to himself, “I hope that Tony has

can I help?”

all his own ploughing done. If he has not done so he will be in no position to lend me the

Seething with anger, the farmer, eyes bulging

machine that I so badly need....”

and the veins in his forehead throbbing, replied, “Don’t good morning me, Mister, you

After a few more minutes worrying and

can keep your plough and stuff it where the

walking with these thoughts swirling around

sun don’t shine!”

his head, the farmer said to himself, “Now that I think of it, Tony’s plough isn’t in the best

Have you noticed that the conflict was all going

shape either. It has seen many a spring and he

on in the farmer’s head?

TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

24

1

The farmer didn't realise he could choose which thoughts to entertain and

Life

CHAPTER 4

which to ignore. What could he have done differently?

2

Can you think of a situation where it would be best to see thoughts as temporary

unwelcome visitors?

SAMPLE 3

Can you choose your own thoughts or do your thoughts choose you?

4

Draw a face to represent what the farmer is feeling as he knocks on the door.

25

RelationshipwithLife

CHAPTER 5

Wear gratitude like a cloak and it will feed every corner of your life."

AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE: COUNTING OUR BLESSINGS

T

– Rumi

aking just five minutes to notice and

an attitude of gratitude. The other test group

savour what is going positively in our

were requested to focus on their daily hassles or

lives is a daily exercise that can make

problems – life’s irritations.

a real and lasting difference to our general well-being. This can be particularly

Ten weeks later, the ‘gratitude

SAMPLE

helpful during downtimes or

counters’ tended to exercise

periods of trouble.

more, reported fewer instances of physical ailments, were more

The American psychology professor

optimistic about the upcoming

Robert Emmons is pioneering

week, and on the whole felt much

experimental work in this field. For

better about themselves and their

example, one group of people were

lives. The key to being happy is to pay

requested to maintain a journal of things they

more attention to what makes you happy and

were grateful for in their lives, for which they had

less attention to what does not.

Try the following exercise. Imagine someone was willing to pay you €1 million.

Sounds good, doesn’t it? Too good to be true? Well there is just one minor catch.

In order to secure the cheque, you have to write out 100 things that you are grateful for in 20 minutes. Yes, you read that correctly – one hundred, in 20 minutes.

26

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RelationshipwithLife

CHAPTER 6

FINDING THE HAPPINESS (H) FACTOR

H

appiness may well be the ultimate currency. What does happiness look

Complete the sentence, Happiness is

like to you? The psychologist Shaun

Achor defines happiness as "the joy we feel moving toward our potential.� When are you at your happiest?

28

akes you hap m t

? py

Wh a

SAMPLE

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Family support

ced lan t Die

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b

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Regular exercise

Job

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Fa be ith lie (o fs rs ys tro te n m g ) Suffic

CHAPTER 6

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SAMPLE

., e.g y) e( tiv Diar c fle or Re nal r Jou

Make a list of 50 things in your life that make you happy. Yes, 50! This is a great way of focusing on what you choose for your life, so be mindful to list things

you choose to move towards, rather than away from! By doing things on the happy list it’s guaranteed to boost your happiness!

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25

26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50

29

RelationshipwithEmotions

CHAPTER 9

EMOTIONS

What are the emotions?

A

violent. However, to be successful in life you must learn to manage your emotions.

Emotions are different to mood. A person’s mood is a more general feeling of sadness, happiness, loneliness and is not a reaction

n emotion is a feeling which is caused

to a particular event. However, if you are in

by a reaction to a particular event

a poor mood, you are more likely to have

or set of circumstances. Strong

a poor emotional response to a particular

emotions are intuitive and not based on

event, e.g. if you are challenged by a teacher

reason or logic. Did you ever wake up in the

for not having your work completed.

middle of the night alerted by a noise and freeze in your tracks, almost afraid to breathe?

Emotions make us move away from things that

In that moment you were gripped by the

are harmful and they draw us towards things

emotion of fear. The response was automatic,

that are perceived as of benefit. Fear causes

not planned or logical. We will explain why this

us to either run away from a real or imagined

happened later.

threat, stay and fight it, or freeze. On the other

SAMPLE

hand, the emotion of joy draws us near to

The six basic emotions are fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger and happiness.

something: a smiling child for example.

As emotions are generally specific reactions

How do emotions work?

to events, they tend to be short lived. So, if

To understand how emotions work you need

someone says something nasty about your

to understand the functions of three basic

mother or father, you may instantly become

elements of the brain.

angry and do something that you may later regret. This anger is an emotion and your

Our emotions happen in the limbic system. Our

emotional response may be to become

senses discern something outside (such as a dog barking) and then send a message to the brain,

The neo-cortex

(the thinking brain) – this controls all the thinking, such as how to solve a problem.

The limbic system

(the emotional brain) – this is the control centre for basic emotions. It holds your emotional memories.

30

The reptilian brain

(the survival brain) – this controls most of the things we don’t notice and do automatically, like breathing.

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which instructs our body to act. This reaction is

our emotions is a vital skill for living and

either to stay and fight, or to take flight. This is

working in a group.

what is known as the fight or flight response. It doesn’t require thought on our part.

Why do emotions occur?

The brain also stores emotional memories

Emotions stem from two main sources:

in the amygdala, which is part of the limbic

CHAPTER 9

frightened us in the past, if we see the same

our body (largely our brain but also the

Emotions

system. This means that if something has really

1

rest of the body) 2

our response to situations.

thing again, our brain remembers and will send an instruction to us to act to find safety

Our emotions can also be caused by our

(usually by running as far away as possible).

interpretation of what is happening around or

SAMPLE

to us. For example, if we feel unfairly treated we

If you’ve ever been so afraid or angry you can’t

may well feel anger. If a friend pokes fun I might

think straight, this is because when we are in the

feel amused, and react very differently if the same

grip of a very powerful emotion, the oxygen is

comment is made by a stranger. Sometimes our

diverted from the thinking part of the brain and

emotions may feel beyond our ability to control,

therefore it doesn’t work very well, or shuts down.

we might feel angry and not know why, or laugh with nothing special to warrant laughter.

It is physically impossible to switch to logical thinking when the amygdala has created an emotional fight or flight response. This is why, if you’re very angry,

Our emotions can do three things for us: 1

If used in a productive way they can be

used as fuel to help motivate us.

it might be worthwhile doing something to

2

They can act as a reward.

calm down very quickly, as you are likely

3

They can act like a flashing light on our

to say or do things that you may later

dashboard, pointing the way towards progress

regret. Mastering and learning to regulate

and achievement.

TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

31

RelationshipwithEmotions

C H A P T E R 10

EMOTION MANAGEMENT Our inherited feelings and what they do for us Your feelings and emotions are part of your ‘survival kit’.

FEELING

EMOJI

EFFECTS

MAY LEAD TO

Anger

To defend ourselves or someone we love as fast as possible by fighting

Violence/ Aggression

Fear

To defend ourselves or someone we love as fast as Anxiety possible by running away

Sadness

To protect us while we get over losing someone or something we loved

Depression

Guilt

To put us off making the same mistake twice (especially if someone else got hurt or upset by what we did)

Disgust

Excitement

To make us want to do whatever it is we are doing again, and therefore motivates us to learn things

Awe

Love

Makes us look after each other because we want to Procreation

Greed

We take what we can to get our physical and emotional needs met

SAMPLE

E

Greed

motions like anger, fear, sadness, anxiety

emotions are overpowering they will damage

are just as appropriate and important as

your health and well-being and you may

emotions like joy and delight. They have

indeed make poor choices. So the first thing

their place and they do an important job.

you have to do when you are emotional is recover to be in a position to give an optimal

Mother Teresa used the anger she felt at the

response.

abject poverty she saw on a daily basis in Calcutta as fuel to do something about it. In this case

When you feel a strong emotion there are

Mother Teresa did not act on her immediate

three main ways that you can respond to get

emotion but reflected and did what she could

back into your thinking brain:

to deal with the problem. So, hers was not an

32

emotional reaction to anger but a reasoned and

1

become active

logical response. In other words, she used her

2

become calm

emotion as a motivator to make a difference.

3

think differently.

As a young person it is important that you

These strategies for managing your emotions

learn to respond positively to your emotions. If

are explained in the table.

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Ways to Manage Emotions RESPONSE TYPE ACTIVE

Use thinking strategies designed to think differently about the situation, i.e. reframe the situation.

SAMPLE

Description Suggested Activities

When emotionally aroused and all revved up calming actively slows the body (heart rate, blood pressure, etc.) and helps it recover to its equilibrium and take stock of the situation.

Emotions

THINKING

CHAPTER 10

Do something active to get your mind off feeling mad, bad, or sad.

CALMING

Take some exercise. This Deep breathing releases happy chemicals in the brain.

Challenge your beliefs.

Do something helpful for someone else.

Mindfulness meditation.

Look at it from another perspective.

Listen to or play music.

Yoga

Is there an alternate viewpoint?

Do or watch something funny.

Head massage

Dance!

Do the opposite: if you’re feeling frustrated, think of being patient.

Positive self-talk Write. Writing about how we feel helps us make sense of what’s happening.

Art: expressing ourselves creatively can be liberating.

33

When dealing with people, remember that you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.

The Biscuits Story

A

busy executive was waiting for a connecting flight home from

– Dale Carnegie, 1888-1955

the airport when she noticed that the flight had been delayed. Irritated but

Emotions

CHAPTER 10

reconciled to the fact that nothing could

1

How did the executive's

be done about it, she decided to buy a

thoughts and feelings change

newspaper and a packet of biscuits in

during the event at the airport?

a nearby shop and put in the time with a cup of tea. A person took a nearby seat at the same table and smiled

SAMPLE

courteously in her direction. Not looking to get involved in conversation, the

lady raised her newspaper and began reading, only to be distracted a short

while later by the sound of the nearby person crunching on a biscuit – her

biscuits! Putting the newspaper down

she threw a none too happy glance in his direction. This, instead of generating the desired effect of an apology or even an embarrassed look, only drew a quick smile and the pushing across the table to her of her own biscuits. She wasn’t quite sure in that moment if she was more annoyed, angry or disgusted. The cheek! An announcement on the tannoy indicated that her plane was now ready for departure and was now boarding.

She started to gather up her things, still furious. She placed her paper back in her bag, but not before shooting the person a withering glare for his rudeness. At that moment, in her bag she spotted ... her packet of biscuits.

She had in fact been absentmindedly eating his biscuits all the while.

34

2

What is she feeling at the end?

Can you identify the six emotions in the pictures below?

2 1

Emotions

5

CHAPTER 10

4

3

SAMPLE 6

TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

35

RelationshipwithEmotions

C H A P T E R 11

CHANNELLING EMOTIONS

A

s we have learned, our emotions

X A strong urge to hit someone or

are very powerful and play quite a

something to get rid of or release the

large role in our decision-making

anger being experienced inside.

process. One author, Dr. Steve Peters, called the limbic system or the emotional core of the

Anger is normally a response to something

brain the 'inner chimp'. It is six times more

external to us that has not met with our

powerful than the 'thinking' rational part of

approval. When anger is in the body, blood

the brain and gets messages first. So we

is drained from the brain to the limbs and

have to learn not so much to control

is combined with a big injection of

SAMPLE

our emotions as manage them

cortisol and adrenaline to make us

effectively, perhaps like learning

fight or take flight. So just when we

to ride an elephant. You are trying

need our thinking brain the most,

to channel it down a certain path.

it is least prepared to be of help to

us, our neocortex having less blood

A young jockey once took out a

champion stallion on the gallop early

and consequently less oxygen to

think our way out of the situation.

one morning and he bolted forward at alarming speed. The jockey held on for dear

At the moment of intense anger our brain

life. A friend who saw him gallop past enquired

has no thinking power. As a result, in this

as to where he was going at such a speed. To

state we may say or do things that we might

which he said, “I don't know … ask the horse!”

have cause to regret later when we have calmed down and are once again thinking

Learning to work with our 'inner chimp' to

clearly.

make sure that instead of surrendering to them and acting foolishly we harness their

So the next time you do something in anger

energy and redirect it to bring about positive

and when asked why you reply that you don't

consequences, I call this emotional judo. We

know, you weren’t thinking – you are probably

will look specifically at the emotion of anger,

right! Or at any rate not thinking with any

which can be easily recognisable. When we

degree of clarity. You may have been acting

experience anger the following can occur:

from instinct, you may have said or done

X Blood pressure increases X Heart begins to pound X You may feel the need to move X Thinking clearly and concentration

something you would never do when calm.

becomes difficult

X Beads of sweat may form or a rise in temperature experienced 36

How did that work out for you?

The good news is that we don't have to be slaves to our default, instinctive response.

Between every stimulus and response we can insert a pause.

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Can you remember the last time you were really angry, when you

F

were last 'out of the boat'? Recall it

rank hired a fishing boat to spend a day fishing on a nearby river for some much-

and answer the questions that follow:

needed relaxation. As he was rowing upstream 1

Emotions

quite far off.

CHAPTER 11

Frank saw in the distance another boat, it was What happened?

Nonetheless it was coming towards the fishing boat in its immediate direction, at some speed.

SAMPLE

To avoid a collision Frank shouted – "Hey,

Watch out! Change your course, look out! You are headed in my direction!" But the boat

2

What were you thinking/ feeling

at the time?

continued on its path, oblivious to the cry. As it got ever nearer he began to curse and scream at the top of his lungs. How could anyone be so stubborn and downright stupid. We are

going to crash! Through the mist and fog it

3

What might you have done

differently, if anything?

became clear nobody was on the boat!

When you or someone else is very angry there is no point arguing back as there is no one in the boat, i.e. the thinking part of the brain.

4

What needed to happen to make

things right?

When there is no captain on board, steer away. Don't stand and throw words back at the boat in an angry, instinctive response.

Otherwise neither boat has a captain!

TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

37

RelationshipwithEmotions

C H A P T E R 12

Everyone has two choices. We`re either full of love or full of fear.

FACING FEAR

W

– Albert Einstein

hen a person is experiencing

what that person is feeling. One way to try

an intense emotional response

and see things from their point of view is

such as fear the rational

thinking part of the brain shuts down and will not work effectively.

to ask yourself the following question: if I was experiencing this situation how would I be feeling? There is

It is physically impossible for

a good chance you might get a

someone to switch to logical

closer handle on where they are

thinking when their emotional

coming from. The Irish comedian

part of the brain has created an

Jason Byrne says that if you want

SAMPLE

emotional fight or flight response.

One way to calm a person in a high

to understand someone, walk a

mile in their shoes. If nothing else you

emotional state is to empathise with them.

will be a mile away from them ... and have

Empathy is the attempt to understand

their shoes!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, intelligent, and talented? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

– Marianne Williamson 38

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Emotions

CHAPTER 12

SAMPLE Fears of a Young Person

TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

39

RelationshipwithEmotions

C H A P T E R 13

IT IS OKAY NOT TO FEEL OKAY wrong with me. I explained to the doctor that

Dealing with depression

I broke my arm intentionally. He suggested that perhaps it was just my teenage years and growing up.

This is an abridged version of an article written by Niall Breslin, ex-rugby player and music producer, on his personal experience of depression. It was published in the Irish Independent on 22nd April, 2014.

It was at this point, leaving the hospital, where a darkness set over me. I was low, very low and scared beyond words. In the mid 1990s, mental health was not on the agenda and there was

W SAMPLE

very little information on it, so I honestly felt like I was possessed by some dark

hen I was 15 years of

demon.

age, I would spend countless nights

up in my bedroom gasping for

air, choking as I tried to switch my

mind off so I could fall asleep. Naively,

If no one was talking about it, then

it didn't exist, right? You see, if I was a

15-year-old teenager today, struggling to

breathe in my bed, having daily panic attacks,

I thought I was struggling with some form

dosed with crippling insomnia and feeling so down

of asthma and went to see a respiratory

without yet having found the strength to tell anyone

specialist, who told me I was healthy.

about it, the last thing I would need is to read an

Frustration started setting in as my daily panic

interview with a highly intelligent and successful

attacks and insomnia started to spiral out of

man telling me it does not exist, that it's a cop out. I

control. I asked doctors what was wrong with

need someone telling me that "It's okay not to feel

me and some suggested puberty as a cause

okay, and it's absolutely okay to ask for help."

for my nightly terrors.

We have a responsibility to destroy this What was at first frustration quickly became

stigma surrounding mental health. The most

fear. I truly felt I was losing my mind and I

interesting, creative, extraordinary people I

was too confused to tell my parents. I had

know are people that deal with mental health

an amazing family and lived in a stable

concerns. It's not a weakness, in fact, for years,

environment. Why was this happening?

I have used it as a strength to motivate and focus me in other aspects of my life.

One evening, I anchored myself to a chair as I

40

lay by my bed and intentionally and repeatedly

Unfortunately, depression does exist and is

crashed my right forearm against the bridge

not a cop out, but fortunately it's an issue we

of the frame until I felt the bone break. I

are now tackling and normalising and, for me,

needed to get into hospital so I could ask

that's half the battle. Just remember, "It's okay

what I perceived as a "real" doctor what was

not to feel okay."

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Depression: some facts

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Things or people that can help me if

X Depression can vary from a feeling of being down and

When I’m feeling down I

Emotions

CHAPTER 13

anxious right through to panic or anxiety attacks, up to and including clinical depression, where a person may not be able to perform even simple tasks for several weeks through manic episodes of depression.

I’m feeling depressed

can…

1

X Some depression is genetic - there is a gene that

SAMPLE

controls the amount of serotonin (this is a chemical that makes us feel good) in the brain. If this gene is somehow faulty, a person may be more susceptible to feelings of depression.

2

X The average age for a first experience of depression is 14, fifty years ago it was 30.

If you a re depress feeling e prolong d for a ed perio d, please sp your tea eak to che counse r or llor.

3

TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

41

RelationshipwithEmotions

C H A P T E R 14

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EQ)

E

motional intelligence (EQ) is not

between EQ competencies and success.

about being nice all of the time. It is about awareness. The awareness of

The best thing? EQ skills can be learned and

your feelings and emotions and those

developed.

of others. Emotional intelligence is about being smart with your

There are three key skills which

emotions and learning to channel

people with high EQ have

them towards a positive end.

learned. These are:

Research indicates that for all

1

SAMPLE

their own emotional weather.

levels of employment, EQ skills such

as being aware of our emotions, ability to

Awareness – i.e. awareness of

2

Regulation – the ability to regulate

regulate them and empathise with those

or channel that energy productively to

of others are twice as effective as IQ in

minimise negative effects.

determining an individual's success in a

3

Empathy – i.e. the ability to empathise

given occupation. The higher the position

with the emotional weather of others. The

in the organisation, the more EQ matters.

relationship between the awareness of self and

Executive leaders show an 85% correlation

others is shown in the quadrants of EQ below.

42

Self

Others

Awareness

All Changes start here

SelfAwareness

Awareness of Others

Actions

The Quadrants of EQ

SelfManagement

Social Skills

Positive impact on others

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– M. Miller

S

elf-esteem is literally how we feel about

and respect from others is called the ego.

ourselves. It is your emotional opinion

a person.

another person is feeling. When we listen to someone else’s feelings, interests, needs or

All of us are asking two invisible questions

concerns we give them a valuable emotional

when we interact with people. Do I matter? Am

payment. We give them a very valuable gift –

I being heard? When we are communicating,

our attention.

Emotions

Empathy is an attempt to understand what

CHAPTER 14

about yourself, how you feel about yourself as

SAMPLE

we are subconsciously conducting a test for trust and respect.

When was the last time you had somebody’s complete and undivided attention? When

When someone gets angry it can be an

was the last time you gave someone your

instinctive response to fear, or because we are

complete and undivided attention? A surefire

afraid that control has been lost over how we

way to help capture someone's emotions is to

see ourselves. The part of us that seeks love

empathise with them.

Remember ...

A question to ask yourself that might help is “if I was having this experience, what would I be feeling?”

Shade the square below to

Shade the square below to

indicate how full your mind is.

indicate how full your heart is.

43

The VIP

Emotions

CHAPTER 14

A

friend of mine was visiting the West of

voice so far from home. At the reception desk

Ireland from the UK. Away from home

he took note of the name tags, and none bore

and with a busy schedule he placed a wake-

the name Wayne. He asked to speak to the

up call for 7.45 a.m. the following morning.

manager and was told he hadn’t reported for

He was somewhat surprised to be awoken at

duty yet.

7 a.m.

It transpired that Wayne was at the lowest "Hello, John! I hope this soft Irish morning finds

end of the hotel food chain. He took bags

you keeping well! My name is Wayne and I

from the cars and placed them inside the

know I am ringing you slightly earlier than you

revolving doors for collection by the porters.

SAMPLE

had planned. It's just that I have a

To the left of the door he had

mighty big Irish breakfast waiting

a wooden plinth with a sign

for you and I know you have a busy

overhead. It read:

day ahead. Just a word in case you

intend walking the beautiful Burren – it can get quite chilly; you might want to take your sweater with you even

though the sun is shining! You have

The most important person in the world is now standing in front of me.

a great day and thanks for staying with us – it's appreciated!" "Thanks, Wayne!" replied a slightly flustered John.

John called it Wayne's World.

The personal touch of Wayne left a lasting impression on John. Everyone has an invisible

He had heard about the Irish welcome but

sign around their neck that says, I matter, I

thought that was only in the brochures. He

am important. Wayne had shown his great

made a mental note to thank him on his way

emotional intelligence – and the hotel had a

down to the lobby. It was nice to hear a friendly

very happy customer!

TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

44

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If you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.

arry Houdini has been well regarded as one of the greatest escapologists of all time. Houdini had a genius for

the extraordinary and would often boast

– Henry Ford

If something is locked in your mind then it

such challenge.

is as securely locked as any lock in all of the world in practical terms.

Emotions

enough to let him try. Houdini accepted one

CHAPTER 15

about being able to get out of any jail brave

Houdini entered a jail, regarded as incapable

SAMPLE

of escaping from. He strolled confidently into the jail cell. They closed the door behind him. He casually removed

What are your beliefs? Which of them are helping you and which are holding you back?

his coat and extracted a 10-inch piece of steel from his belt. The

Many of our beliefs are based

steel was flexible but very tough.

on our interpretation of past

experiences. Often they are based

After a full 30 minutes of working

on perception of these experiences.

on the lock, the look of confidence began

Once we adopt a belief we forget that

to evaporate. He was drenched in sweat.

it is merely an interpretation. In fact we

Thirty minutes turned into an hour and an

rarely question long-held beliefs. Once

hour into two. The desperation that was

accepted, our beliefs become unquestioned

unfamiliar to Houdini began to become

commands to our nervous system and they

visible to all who were watching him wrestle

have the power to propel us towards the life

with the lock. Exhausted, he finally fell

we want or to hinder our progress.

against the door, for the first time in his professional career defeated, his reputation

If you wish to create long-term and

soon to be in tatters.

consistent positive changes in your life you may want to examine the beliefs that are

At the allotted time the warden rushed in

holding back your progress.

to witness a distraught Houdini slumped against the far wall, his head in his hands.

The evidence of your actual beliefs is all

"I'm very sorry, Mr. Houdini – my mistake!"

around you. By examining your life to date

He had forgotten to lock the door, which

as objectively and honestly as possible you

swung open, to everyone’s surprise. To

will get a very good insight into what your

say the door had never been locked is not

beliefs are. Do these beliefs support you or

quite true. You see it had been locked – in

hinder you?

Houdini’s mind.

45

Here are other famous examples of people who did not let others’ limiting beliefs limit them.

Emotions

CHAPTER 15

The Hollywood film director George Lucas spent four years shipping the script for Star Wars around the various studios, racking up numerous rejections in the

process. If he had let the inner critic get to him, he would never have ended up with one of the highest grossing film franchises of all time.

JK Rowling was living in poverty,

Oprah Winfrey was

unable to pay her rent, until

publicly fired from her first

she finished writing her first

television job as an anchor

book for the Harry Potter series.

in Baltimore for getting too

JK Rowling has now sold 400 million copies

emotionally invested in her stories. But Oprah

worldwide. She went on from living on state

rebounded, became the undisputed queen

benefits in the UK to becoming a multi-millionaire

of talk show television and created a massive

after her book’s success in a matter of five years.

media empire.

SAMPLE Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball

team. He later said, “I have

Katie Taylor is the reigning

failed over and over again, and

Irish, European, World and

that is why I succeed.”

Olympic boxing Champion and is recognised as the

Thomas Edison holds 1,093

best female boxer in the world. She made

US patents; he is the inventor

Irish boxing history when she succeeded

of the light bulb and the movie

in receiving official recognition for women’s

camera. He was sent home from

boxing matches by the Irish Amateur Boxing

school one day with a note that said he was

Association when she boxed against Alanna

“too stupid to learn” and he was removed from

Audley. Katie's talent was credited with being

school. His mother taught him herself. He had

one of the key factors behind the inclusion of

only three months of formal schooling.

women's boxing in the 2012 Olympics.

Steven Spielberg was rejected by the University of Southern

Nelson Mandela was a

California School of Cinematic

South African political activist

Arts on multiple occasions.

who spent over 20 years in

However, he went on to create huge cinematic

prison for his opposition to

successes, starting with his first summer

the apartheid regime. In 1994 he was the

blockbuster, Jaws, in 1975. Today, he has won

first black person to be elected president of a

three Academy Awards, four Emmys, seven

democratic South Africa. He was awarded the

Daytime Emmys, and his 27 movies have

Nobel Peace Prize (jointly with F.W. de Klerk)

grossed more than $9 Billion.

in 1993 for his work in helping to end racial segregation in South Africa.

46

1

What beliefs would you like to

5

What one dominant belief holds you

back in relation to your self-confidence?

have about yourself, life and your future? What beliefs would you like to ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

drop for good?

2

List some limiting beliefs a person

6

How does this belief show itself in

Emotions

CHAPTER 15

your actions and behaviour with others?

might have:

3

SAMPLE

List some empowering beliefs a

person might have:

7

Have you tried to change this belief?

If so, how?

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

4

What beliefs do you want and how

will you go about developing them?

8

Imagine you woke up and no longer

held this belief - how would you behave differently?

How are your beliefs working out for you? Instead of going back and repeating the same actions and crossing your fingers for a better outcome, you might have to revisit the beliefs on which your actions are based. Different beliefs result in different actions and a different result, i.g. positive beliefs result in positive actions and positive results.

TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

47

RelationshipwithEmotions

C H A P T E R 16

UNDERSTANDING AND CHANGING LIMITING BELIEFS

O

ur minds are made up of two parts

believes that they are true, because if the

which we call the conscious and

subconscious believes it can be true then

subconscious mind. The conscious

our conscious can make it true.

mind is the part which has control of our thinking, and decision making.

Old negative programmes have been planted in our minds by us. Our

The subconscious mind holds all the unseen

subconscious mind is running in the

information that we use without even

background all the time, like apps

thinking. It is often thought of as the feeling

running silently and without notice in the

mind. It holds everything that we have ever

background, many of them doing great work

thought, seen or done in our life, without us

on our behalf.

SAMPLE

knowing it is working on how we feel, what we remember and what we believe.

The conscious mind only does what the subconscious mind agrees with. If the subconscious mind doesn't agree with a thought, feeling or opinion from the conscious mind, then the conscious mind will reject the idea without question.

Our belief system acts as a filter between our conscious and subconscious mind.

We use these beliefs to help us understand ourselves and the world around us. The thing about our beliefs is not whether or not they are true, but the fact that our subconscious 48

Re

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Our subconscious mind – the large bit below

prophecy: “I am the greatest! I am the greatest

the surface in the picture – is a little like a

of all time!" When he was asked how often he

beautiful garden. The soil will prove equally

repeated this to himself, he replied with his

fertile to weeds unless we root them out.

legendary speed of thought, “As long as it took

These gremlins could be fears/ limiting beliefs

to believe it!"

However, Ali had one major fear. He was

Using visualisation can be a very effective way

afraid of flying. So much so that it nearly

to replace these with life-enhancing ones.

jeopardised his career as he refused to fly!

Emotions

our better selves and the future we deserve.

CHAPTER 16

or bad habits that are holding us back from

Although the courage with which he has

SAMPLE

Rooting out the gremlins and 'rewiring' with

faced his physical challenges mark him out

more positive templates does not require the

as a super man. We might do well to learn

services of an expensive electrician or fancy

from the mindset of a champion, who chose

intervention. The language we choose to use

to go with his inner coach, to turn a deaf ear

and the thoughts we elect to entertain can

to the naysayers and a blind eye to those

make a massive difference. Ali was famous for

wishing his demise. One of his secrets?

repeating a phrase that became a self-fulfilling

Positive affirmations.

Using Affirmations An affirmation is a positive empowering statement about yourself which you repeat to yourself for as long as it takes you to think, believe and act in that way.

Affirmations can be done silently, spoken aloud, written down, or even sung. Their power comes from repeating them over and over. They are strong, positive statements about what we want to attract into our lives.

X Keep your affirmations completely positive. Affirm what you do want, not what you don’t want. Don’t say, “I won’t feel tense”, but rather, “I am now calm and relaxed.”

X Make your affirmations personal. Use “I am" statements.

X State your affirmations in the present tense. It is important to create it as if it already exists.

Don’t say, “I will get a wonderful job” but rather, “I now have a wonderful new job.”

49

Emotions

CHAPTER 16

Feel-good wall I am...

I am the best in the world at being me!

SAMPLE Write a positive statement about yourself that starts with I am...

The practice of doing affirmations allows us to begin replacing some of our stale, worn-out or negative mind chatter with more positive ideas and concepts. It is a powerful technique, one which can in a short time completely transform our attitudes and expectations about life, and thereby totally change what we create for ourselves. – Shakti Gawain 50

The relationship between beliefs and results

E

instein said that the definition of stupidity

mile. Prior to this monumental event, the

was doing the same thing over and over

four-minute mile barrier had developed such a

and expecting a different outcome!

mystique surrounding it that some considered it a physical impossibility. But the next month

We have beliefs about all aspects of our lives

the barrier was again shattered by John Landy,

– ourselves, other people, money, love, other

and in the following few years broken by

cultures, spirituality, etc. The list is endless!

almost a dozen more runners. Now, there are minute mile. Never underestimate the invisible

first person in history to run a sub four-minute

power of a limiting belief.

Emotions

On May 6, 1954, Roger Bannister became the

CHAPTER 16

almost 900 people who have run a sub four-

SAMPLE How you think

Thoughts define feelings

Results reinforce thinking

Feelings determine action

determines how you feel

which determines how you act

Actions govern results

51

The question isn’t who’s going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.

– Ayn Rand ( writer and philosopher)

Emotions

CHAPTER 16

Mission Impossible Below is a story about a frog challenging the strongly held beliefs of others, what the famous actor Arnold Schwarzenegger calls the 'naysayers'; the dream stealers and cynics who say it cannot be done.

O

The race began and the eager frogs set out upon climbing the tower. One by one, the exhausted contestants began to drop out.

"I told you so!" echoed in their tired ears.

The crowd were yelling, "You haven't got a hope, you'll never make it. Stop wasting your time! You will never make it – are you having a laugh?"

SAMPLE ne day a bunch of tiny frogs decided to compete in a race. The aim was

Somehow the last few frogs found the

to be the first frog to reach

strength from somewhere

the top of a very tall

deep inside and kept

tower. It was thought

going, much to the

impossible for a

crowd's disbelief

frog to climb –

and continued

much beyond

scorn.

their capability.

Yet 84 frogs

Finally, all but

embarked

one of the

upon the

frogs had

challenge with

yielded to the

high hopes

baying crowd's

and great

advice and given

expectations.

up. He raced triumphantly to the

A large group of

top. The astonished

interested spectators

crowd rushed to the frog

and curious bystanders gathered to watch the event. Even

and in their jubilations they demanded to know how he had done

before the race had started, they began

such an impossible feat.

saying to themselves, and anyone else who

How on earth had he done it?

would listen, "How will they ever reach the

52

top? It is much too difficult. No chance!

It turned out the winning frog

What a waste of time."

was deaf.

Changing your Beliefs

I

f there is an area of your life which isn’t working then you can be sure that there is a negative belief underpinning it. Ask yourself, “What would I need to believe about

myself in order to have this experience in my life? Is there another way of looking at this?"

X Begin to question the belief. Is this really true?

Can I be certain that it is true for me in all circumstances and at all times? When did I first

X Begin to doubt the certainty of the belief.

Emotions

to in this area?

CHAPTER 16

begin to believe this? Was the person I learned this belief from worth modelling or listening

Anything we raise to doubt ultimately loses its power over us. Raise up your beliefs to the light and examine them.

SAMPLE

X Ask yourself what has been the cost to you in your life by accepting this belief.

What opportunities have you lost in your personal or professional life? Allow yourself to feel the cost of these beliefs. The more you allow yourself to feel the pain of how, through your own thinking, you have disassociated yourself from your power, the faster you will be able to drop the old belief. Many of these beliefs have been handed to us like batons in a relay race, uncontested and accepted passively and without protest.

X Decide how you want to feel and act from now on.

Feeling more positive about yourself or a situation is a choice. Might you have been unconsciously choosing negative beliefs? Now in this moment you can . . .

X Create a snap-out statement that affirms or gives permission to be, act or feel in a new way.

For example, “I can’t do anything right” becomes “I can do many things right and each time I try I learn something new.”

Remember: WYSIWYG (What you say is what you get!)

53

Dealing with your inner critic

I

magine, if you will, the good you on your right shoulder and the bad you

perched on your left shoulder. One is your inner coach urging you on, encouraging you and motivating you.

The other is your inner critic. The inner

Emotions

CHAPTER 16

critic is the voice inside your head which highlights with relish all your weaknesses and tries to undermine your confidence at every turn. (We all talk to ourselves. You might be saying to yourself right now “No way, not me

SAMPLE

... I never talk to myself!!")

Try the following exercise, called Tick Tock. Tracy and Tony are two teenagers who tend to give themselves a hard time. The trouble is you would never think

it. Outwardly they appear confident and outgoing – and they are. It's just that sometimes they find their self-talk can be very negative and can make them very hard on themselves. Can you think of a more positive alternative for the statements on the left? Write your alternative under Tock. Can you turn over an inner critic statement and create an inner coach alternative?

TICK

TOCK

I'm rubbish at maths!

I can't do it.

Why does it always happen to me?

You are always getting it wrong!

You shouldn't have done that!

I wish I had ...

Nobody likes you.

You can decide what you believe about yourself and these beliefs will determine the actions you will take. The vital thing is to choose beliefs that support you and give you hope and energy. Be your own best friend. Have your own back.

54

Here are a few empowering beliefs: X The past does not equal the future.

X There’s always a way to turn things around.

X There is no failure, only feedback.

X In any moment I can change my X FAIL stands for First Attempt In Learning X I get better not bitter.

life by making a new decision.

X I am the captain of my fate, the

What can I take from this that is positive?”

X Success is getting up just one time more than you fall.

X If it is to be, it is up to me.

X Success is the peace of mind that comes

Emotions

X Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?

CHAPTER 16

master of my own destiny.

SAMPLE from knowing I have done the very

best I can, with the ability that I have.

X I’m not a failure because I didn’t

succeed; I’m a success because I tried!

X Whatever you can conceive and believe you can achieve.

Creative use of imagination – visualisation

T

he brain visualises all the time, but does it visualise in a way that is helpful

or hindering you? By making positive visualisation a staple of our lives, we tune in to our untapped potential.

empowered state. We can imagine our own future. It’s simple: anticipating a negative interaction heightens its probability, and anticipating a positive reaction heightens its

Using visualisation we can

probability. Imagine your

greatly influence how we

thoughts and beliefs

feel in the future.

like a powerful magnet – what are you attracting

The stronger our positive visualisations, the more we can influence our own internal programmes and scripts (what we tell ourselves) and shift ourselves into an

and pulling towards you?

I have heard that worrying is like being in a rocking chair – you are doing something but getting nowhere fast.

Youth and vision make an unbeatable combination.

– Toyotomi Hideyoshi 55

18 holes in his mind Here is an example of imaginative practice:

realised he had to find some way to occupy his mind or he would lose his sanity and probably his life. That's when he learned to visualise.

J

ames Nesmeth had a dream of improving

Emotions

CHAPTER 16

his golf game – and he developed a

In his mind, he selected his favourite golf

unique method of achieving his goal. Until he

course and started playing golf. Every day,

devised this method, he was just your average

he played a full 18 holes at the imaginary

weekend golfer, shooting in mid to low

country club of his dreams. He experienced

nineties. Then, for seven years, he completely

everything to the last detail. He saw himself

quit the game. Never touched a club, never set

dressed in his golfing clothes. He smelled

foot on a fairway.

the fragrance of the trees and the freshly

SAMPLE

trimmed grass. He experienced different

Ironically, it was during this seven-year break

weather conditions – windy spring days,

from the game that Major Nesmeth came

overcast winter days, and sunny summer

up with his amazingly effective technique for

mornings. In his imagination, every detail of

improving his game – a technique we can all learn from. In fact, the

the tee, the individual blades of grass, the trees, the singing birds, the

first time he set foot on a

scampering squirrels and the

golf course after his break

lay of the course became

from the game, he shot an

totally real.

astonishing 74! He had cut 20 strokes off his average without having swung a golf club in seven years! Not only that, but his physical condition had actually deteriorated during those seven years.

He felt the grip of the club in his hands. He instructed himself as he practised smoothing out his down-swing and the follow-through on his shot. Then he watched the ball arc down the exact centre of the fairway,

What was Major Nesmeth's secret?

bounce a couple of times and roll to the

Visualisation. Major Nesmeth spent

exact spot he had selected, all in his mind.

those seven years as a prisoner of war in North Vietnam.

It took him just as long in imaginary time to play 18 holes as it would have taken in

During almost the entire time he was

reality. Not a detail was omitted.

imprisoned, he saw no one, talked to no one

56

and experienced no physical activity. During

Seven days a week. Four hours a day.

the first few months he did virtually nothing

Eighteen holes. Seven years. Twenty strokes

but hope and pray for his release. Then he

off. He shot a 74.

Relaxation with a purpose – changing limiting beliefs Use the following relaxation technique to change a limiting belief.

1

Sit in a comfortable seat and breathe in for a count of 7 through your nose and out for a

count of 11 through the mouth.

2

Pick a situation that matters to you, a situation in which you would like to improve on your

habitual responses. Perhaps you would like to feel more confident or relaxed.

3

and hear? How will you move? What expression will you have on your face? How will you speak to people and in what tone of voice?

4

See yourself

calmly and confidently overcoming obstacles.

Emotions

to be. Bring as much detail as possible into the scene. How will you feel? What would you see

CHAPTER 16

Close your eyes and in your imagination see and feel yourself being exactly as you would like

SAMPLE

TAKEAWAYS

The three key things I learned in this lesson are: 1.

2.

3.

57

Relationshipwithpersonality,talentandperformance

C H A P T E R 36

PRESSURE SOLUTION STRATEGIES finally, a statue-like similar to those on Easter Island. What if you direct your attention to the space between the red shapes? Can you discern a word? Did you notice it immediately?

W

Was it always there or did it just appear? What

shape? An elephant pointing upwards perhaps?

and strength that you didn't realise you had.

The third looks like the floor plan for a house.

Look over the following strategies to deal with

We see an arrow pointing downwards and,

pressure and give some a go.

hat do you see? With the first red

else is hidden in plain sight?

shape some see a cowboy's hat

Learning to change the way you see things

tilted to one side. The second

can be very useful. You might just find capacity

SAMPLE

Pressure solution strategies

I

n the eyes of many the name Zinedine

breathtaking individual skill. Instead it's

Zidane looms large in the pantheon of

remembered for being a moment of madness

players who rate as the greatest who ever

that resulted in Zidane’s sending off, to the

graced the game of football.

utter dismay of his team mates.

So pivotal was he to French success in the

In extra time, Italian opponent Matarazzi started

1998 World Cup final that the message

making offensive comments to Zidane – what

“Merci Zidane” was projected onto the Arc de

is unsavourily referred to as 'trash talking' – an

Triomphe by a grateful nation. Famous for

unfortunate occurrence designed to distract

his ability to snatch victory from the jaws of

and deter a player from the task at hand. Zidane

defeat and his game-changing, match-winning

chose instead of walking away to head butt

capacity, he is no stranger to pressure.

Matarazzi in the chest and bring down the curtain on his career in a way that was not worthy of it.

It was to be another World Cup final, this time

France went on to lose the final.

in 2006, that saw pressure get the better of

58

him and take the lustre off what was a great

Would they have won if Zidane was on the pitch?

and glorious career that should have been

Of that we cannot be certain, but we can say

topped off by a great performance from the

that his absence diminished their ability to do so.

greatest player of his generation, remembered

How could he have responded differently to the

for a moment of individual brilliance or

pressure he was facing?

Re

u yo

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1. r

Pressure Solution 1 Make peace with the moment.

fo

3.

ful

2.

e titud gra are grate

c

Circl eo f

three things rd

happens. Ask yourself this question: when it's over and you look in the mirror, did you do the best that you were capable of? Your best is

Reframe the pressure situation as an

all you can do. The tennis player Andre Agassi

opportunity, a challenge to be overcome,

said he never played any match fully fit; his

a hurdle to be cleared. How do you view

challenge was to get 100% out of whatever he

high-stake situations? As threatening or as

had in the tank. What's yours?

challenging? Do you embrace such moments,

choking. Viewing pressure in this way erodes

Pressure Solution 3 Downplay the significance.

your self-confidence and heightens your fear

Shrink the importance of the pressure

of failure, saps your energy and impedes your

moment. The more importance we attach

working memory. When we see a pressure

to an event, the more pressure we feel. This

situation as a threat our body releases

can downgrade our judgement and decision-

noradrenaline, constricting the muscles

making capacity significantly. Downsizing the

and impeding the amount of oxygenated

significance to just another test, or hurdle to

blood getting to our brain. Impeding our

overcome, can depressurise the moment to

performance just when we need it the most.

your advantage. Be mindful of what is most

Keep breathing! Deep breaths. No matter what

important in your life. Make a list right before

happens, your life is not on the line. Before

a test. Reflecting on this 'most important' list

you go into a high-pressure situation, convince

will help you keep the present pressurising

yourself it is a challenge or an opportunity.

moment in proper perspective and minimise

Such a positive mentality will enable your

primal pressure. You are not pretending the

performance.

moment is not important, you are just trying

or do you fear them like the plague? Threat perceptions are the foundation stones for

SAMPLE

This is but one of many opportunities. attempts to succeed. Steve Jobs dropped out of college. Oprah Winfrey was fired from her first job. J.K. Rowling's manuscript for Harry Potter was turned down by thirty publishers.

She did OK. The fact is we get multiple chances in life – and it will go on, no matter what

CHAPTER 36

Consider how many people needed multiple

doesn't inhibit your performance.

Personality,talentandperformance

Pressure Solution 2 There will be many opportunities in life – this is but one.

to keep it within proper perspective so that it

59

Pressure Solution 4 The main thing is that the main thing stays the main thing!

Pressure Solution 6 Affirm yourself.

Reminding yourself of your positive qualities, your skills and achievements to date, is an

Focus on your Mission, it prevents distracting

effective antidote to pressure situations. List

thoughts intruding uninvited. It cues you to

your values and your signature strengths and

focus on what needs to be done to achieve the

take time to remind yourself of them. The

performance you desire. To do an excellent exam,

event becomes less threatening, you relax, and

focusing on your mission will motivate you to

hence perform better.

make a deposit in your study account. It will help you stay the course. The best way of staying on track? Doing your best at each task, staying firmly

Pressure Solution 7 Recount past success.

anchored in the moment and not the outcome.

You at your best. A crisis of confidence in a

Try to avoid being H.O.T. (Heated, Overwhelmed,

pressurised situation is normal. By mentally

Tense). Aim for what the All Blacks call 'blue head'

rehearsing your past successes you are

– a high level of situational awareness. To have a

stimulating the same types of responses that

blue head means to remain on task and not be

helped you before. Ignite your confidence

diverted from your mission. The pattern of your

– you did it before, you will do so again.

thinking affects your performance. As you breathe

Remember A.P. McCoy on being asked how

in say, “I feel calm.” As you breathe out, “I can

many times he had fallen in his career. He

cope.” Do all that you can with all that you have, in

said he had no idea, he only remembered

the time that you have, in the place where you can.

the winners. Make a list of those winning

SAMPLE

Pressure Solution 5 Expect the unexpected.

moments under pressure where you came through. Find a quiet place, and use your mental rehearsal skills to recall the events in your mind’s eye. Use all your senses

You are preparing for a major exam. Play the

— sounds, sights, smells — to relive the

'What if?' game. What if I start to run out of time?

experience. Conclude each rehearsal by

What if this question does not come up? What if

saying to yourself, "I did it.”

the question is framed differently to what I expect?

CHAPTER 36

Personality,talentandperformance

The reason this proves useful is because many

60

X Close your eyes and relax. Employ your

of us react to unexpected events in high-stake

senses as you focus on a moment in your

situations with a sudden increase in emotional

life when you felt triumphant:

arousal that disturbs our thoughts and actions.

X Hear the sounds in the room: the

It's a curveball that throws us off kilter. By being

murmurs of approval, the swell of

less startled, you are better able to maintain

applause.

your composure and keep your heart rate from spiking. Anticipation helps you work out responses in advance – If ......, then I will ...... Knowing that you can adapt to changing circumstances gives you a renewed sense of control. Anticipating and rehearsing a response prevents panic.

X See people’s smiles and expressions of warmth and admiration.

X Feel your feet on the ground and the congratulatory handshakes.

X Above all, experience your feelings, the warm glow of confidence rising within you.

Pressure Solution 8 Be positive.

confidence. Belief in a positive outcome can stop worry depleting your precious working

Pessimist or optimist, the difference is rather droll.

memory capacity – draining you of energy.

When you have a positive attitude you are

Keep your affirmations handy.

more likely to tackle the task at hand with

Question: Is your 'glass' usually half full or half empty? Explain why.

Forgiveness

Compassion

Gratitude

SAMPLE Acceptance

Optimism

How mu ch have you in each g lass?

Fill in the amount.

Purpose

CHAPTER 36

Personality,talentandperformance

61

Pressure Solution 9 Be present.

The past is history, the future is a mystery – all

Pressure Solution 11 Destigmatising discomfort

we have is the present moment. Tune into your

The next time an uncomfortable emotion is

senses. Try to focus on one of three things:

hindering you, remind yourself that this is

X Sounds: Scan your environment for

normal and that we all experience it from time

sound. Imagine your ears are satellite

to time.

dishes, passively registering sounds.

X Think of others who have gone through

X Your breath: Focus on your breath and the sensations it creates in your nostrils or stomach as it goes in and out.

X Your toes: Focus your attention on the sensations in your toes.

this, especially people you admire.

X Remember that right now, in this very moment, many others are going through this very same experience.

X Listening to music reduces the culprit

Focus on what you can control. Identify an

behind choking — increased anxiety.

upcoming high-stakes situation.

Increased anxiety causes us to worry about

List the factors involved that you cannot

our performance; listening to music distracts

control.

us from the anxiety enough to get the job

List the factors involved that you can control.

over the line, and get out of our own way.

Visualise the high-pressure moment; think

Listen to your music choice right up to your

about the things you can control, and imagine

exam, you will reduce anxiety and start

those going well.

confidently on track. You could even mentally

SAMPLE Pressure Solution 10 Responsibility transfer

play the song in your head for a 'low-tech' boost to your confidence levels. A note of caution — when learning a new task, music

Whenever you feel your brain rehashing

can inhibit your concentration and ability to

possible outcomes to a situation, try a transfer

learn. It’s hard to do history homework when

of responsibility to alleviate the anxiety.

your mind is distracted by the music you are

X Sit comfortably or lie down, relax, and

playing. However, in a pressure situation to

close your eyes.

X Take two or three deep breaths. As you

offset anxiety the sound of music trumps the sound of silence!

inhale, imagine drawing clean air towards

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Personality,talentandperformance

the top of your head. As you exhale, let it

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whoosh out, washing all your worries away.

X Imagine lifting the weight of everything you’re concerned about off your shoulders and placing it in the hands of whichever benevolent entity you’d like to put in charge.

Now that everything is taken care of, you can sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever good you can find along the way.

Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralising.

– Harriet Braiker

Try the following quick exam.

1

Name: Date:

2

3

Mental focus and examination You are allocated five minutes for this test. Read everything properly and quickly before writing anything. At the end of the examination a three-character code in the top right-hand corner boxes will provide an indication of your mental concentration capacity and information processing capability. Read all questions before you begin the test.

1

What is the opposite of the fourth word in this sentence?

2

How many commas are in the brackets (,,,,,,,,,,,,,,)?

3

If 1= A, 2 = B, 3 = C, etc. what is 1645 + 5 - 765?

4

Call out loud the name of your favourite band or singer and count how many people

SAMPLE

look around at you and smile. How many really liked the band/ singer you named?

5

Stand up, turn 360ยบ while counting out loud to five, then sit down and write down

the five things you noticed most whilst turning.

sitting beside you to name the song and rate your performance out of ten.

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Tap your pen at least twenty times to the beat of a well-known tune. Ask someone

Personality,talentandperformance

6

63

7

Put a tick in each of the squares in the top right-hand corner.

8

In the space below write the 6th, 10th, 19th and 21st letters of the alphabet.

9

Use the code in question 3 to translate the following numbers: (21, 4, 8, 7)

And write the letters in reverse order into the boxes at the top right-hand corner.

10

SAMPLE

Ignore all the numbered instructions on this sheet except instruction 10 and

write the letters WIN into the boxes, if empty, at the top right of this sheet. If the boxes are full, your performance has already been graded. And if other people are still doing the test please do your best to look busy and not give the game away.

How did you do? It leads us to our final pressure solution.

Pressure Solution 11 Slow down, speed kills.

When faced with a high-pressure situation

get better results by slowing down your

we tend to speed up our thinking, failing to

response. A friend of mine sometimes says,

spot relevant information. A quick response

“Always make sure there is water in the pool

can impair performance. You might well

before you jump in.“

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Personality,talentandperformance

You have 30 seconds to count how many times the letter F appears in the

64

sentence below. Write your answer in the box.

IF THE PEOPLES OF THE WORLD COULD FIND A WAY OF LIVING AND OF SHARING LIFE WOULD BE JUST WONDERFUL FOR US ALL. Answer Check around. Did everybody have the right answer? How do you account for the variation if everyone is looking at the same thing? What do you learn from this?

Which step have you reached today?

Perfectionism – friend or foe?

P

SAMPLE

erfectionism tends to be a pretend friend,

Where does this come from?

on the one hand wanting us to do things

Being embedded in an environment that

right, on the other feeding the inner critic

expects impossibly high standards and frowns

who feels that whatever we do, it's never

upon mistakes as fatal rather than formative

good enough.

lessons for future performance. This can be at home, school, anywhere.

How to recognise this saboteur from within?

What's the cure?

X Being a victim of the disease to please

X Remember the Arthur Ashe quote above

– always at your own expense.

– start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.

X Being hard on yourself for never getting things right.

X Strive to be productive – not perfect. How many of the 37 plays of Shakespeare can you name? They were not all perfect

the Homer Simpson approach – if at

or a great success – and many consider

first you don't succeed, cover up all

him the greatest writer ever in the

attempts that you tried in the first place!

English language. Do what you can – not everything will take flight or be perfect.

X Achieving highly but at a high cost – X Overcome overdoing it. It's important to strike a balance on your 'On the right track' wheel.

X Spending hours getting everything exactly right.

X Be discerning. Become good at doing the right things as much as doing things right.

What is worth doing and what is a timehoover that is just not worth the investment?

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your friendships and relationships.

Personality,talentandperformance

X An overwhelming fear of failure – taking

65

Create a picture that represents how you felt when you accomplished something, overcame an obstacle, turned a trouble into triumph, turned a dead end into a doorway or a stumbling block became a stepping stone.

SAMPLE

10 Tips for Fighting Perfectionism 1

Start a conversation with someone you don’t know.

2

Do an assignment or study for a test without overdoing it. Alter your morning routine.

3

Give yourself permission to make at least three mistakes a day.

4

Stop using the word “should” in your self-talk. Remove “I have to” from your

conversation and replace with 'I get to'.

5

Share a weakness or limitation with a friend. Recognise that he or she doesn’t think

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Personality,talentandperformance

any less of you as a result.

66

6

Acknowledge that your expectations of yourself might be too high, even unrealistic.

7

Appreciate your past accomplishments.

8

Write about how good they made you feel.

9

Give yourself permission to be human. It’s less lonely when we accept our own and

others’ imperfections and feel part of life.

10

If you need help, talk with your school counsellor or a person you trust. Explain your

situation and ask for suggestions.

1

What advice can you give about how to relieve stress?

2

What advice can you give someone on how to conquer fear?

3

What does success mean to you?

4

When is failure a success?

SAMPLE

The three key things I learned in this lesson are:

2.

3.

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Personality,talentandperformance

TAKEAWAYS

67

Relationshipwithpersonality,talentandperformance

C H A P T E R 37

BENEFITS OF FAILURE 1

Failure gives you a new perspective

other people can do, you start seeing them

on yourself and everything else you do. It can

differently. You realise there are many ways to

actually be liberating to fall, pick yourself up,

succeed, and many types of abilities — some

and discover that the world is still turning.

of which you have, some of which you may never have. Your focus becomes less narrow.

2

Failure gives you the freedom

and motivation to strike out in still more

4

Failure teaches you that there are

uncharted directions. When you realise that

degrees of accomplishment. It’s not an

failure isn’t fatal, you’re more willing to take

all-or-nothing proposition. You don’t have to

risks and try new things.

be the best to learn something and have fun.

3

SAMPLE

Failure gives you a better

5

Failure teaches you that not

understanding of others. Most people fail

succeeding can be normal. And necessary.

sometimes, so why shouldn’t you know how

And even desirable. You can learn a lot from

it feels? Plus, when you fail at something that

failure, but you have to be willing to fail.

Success is rarely a graceful leap from height to height.

– Tim Brown

Ever tried. Ever failed.

No matter. Try Again.

Fail again. Fail better.

– Samuel Beckett 68

Re

u yo

o

1. fo

r

3.

ful

2.

e titud gra are grate

c

Circl eo f

three things rd

Select a card by touching it. Stare at it for five seconds to build a mental picture.

I have shuffled the cards and placed them face down below - minus your card.

Don't believe me? Turn to page 199 to see.

SAMPLE

The three key things I learned in this lesson are:

2.

3.

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69

Relationshipwithpersonality,talentandperformance

C H A P T E R 38

RELATIONSHIP TO SLEEP, DIET AND EXERCISE Sleep

H

uman beings need to sleep. Infants

switching a light on immediately wakes

need as much as 16 hours per day

an animal up (or causes it to sleep if it’s

and 15 year olds need a solid 8 hours

nocturnal); humans are the same.

of sleep every night. Humans sleep in stages, beginning with four stages of slow brainwave

X Get into a sleep pattern: if you wake at

SAMPLE

sleep, followed by a fifth stage called REM (rapid

the same time every day, you will soon

eye movement) sleep, where we dream. A

find that you will start to fall asleep at

complete cycle of sleep, with all five stages, takes

about the same time.

about 90 minutes, so humans should have four to five cycles of sleep on a normal night.

X Exercise regularly: this is an excellent way of tiring your body out: your mind will find it very

Top tips for a good night’s sleep

difficult to stay awake if you’re truly tired.

Sometimes it can be difficult to get to sleep.

Here are some tips to help you doze off.

Things to avoid:

X Caffeine. Caffeine keeps working for X Have a routine before sleep: getting ready for

several hours and it will affect your ability

bed and then reading one or two chapters

to drop off. Coffee, tea, coke etc. are a bad

of a book, for example. This way your brain

idea in the evening. Avoid chocolate and

knows that it is time to get some sleep.

sugar too, as these are stimulants and may keep some people awake.

X If you can’t sleep after about 20 minutes, pick up your book again or do something boring like counting sheep.

X Don’t watch TV, use your phone or use your computer just before bed: the artificial light interferes with the brain’s

X Slow your breathing down and try using the muscle tensing and relaxing technique

making it difficult to sleep. Checking texts

you have learned: both of these things tell

or emails is thought to be equivalent to

the mind and body to relax.

drinking a double espresso coffee.

X Turn off the light: your brain will find it

X Avoid big meals before sleep (late

difficult to get ready for sleep if there is

night pizza feasts etc.) as large amounts

light in the room. Switch your phone off

of protein in the gut interfere with sleep.

too. Those of you with pets will know how 70

rhythms and makes the mind active,

Re

u yo

o

1. r

X Don’t study or work right up to

fo

3.

ful

2.

e titud gra are grate

c

Circl eo f

three things rd

X Remember that losing two hours of sleep a

bedtime: you need at least 45 minutes’

night for one week impairs your performance

clear break from work to allow your

considerably. Sleep is not a passive waste of

mind to be ready for sleep.

precious time. It's a vital neccessity.

Relaxation technique for getting to sleep

X Take a long, slow, deep breath in, hold it

forearm and do the same thing.

for 1 or 2 seconds, then let it out slowly.

Try to inhale for 5 seconds and exhale for 5 seconds.

X Slowly move around the muscle groups in

SAMPLE

your body, including your face, tensing as you breathe in and relaxing as you breathe out.

X As you breathe in, clench your right fist.

As you breathe out, relax it. Do this three times. Then move to the muscles in your

X Guided meditations are available for

download on the internet, e.g. Amazon.

How long, on average, does it take you to fall asleep once you turn out the lights?

Water

Diet

W

H

we may experience irrational or aggressive

diet consists of one containing too much

behaviour.

sugar or salt, an insufficient mix of fruit

e might feel a little thirsty at 1% dehydrated. At 2% we have perhaps

lost 20% of our physical coordination. At 50%

ave you heard of the computer term GIGO (garbage in, garbage out)? Poor

diet can have many side effects. A poor

On a hot summer’s day our capacity to

processed foods.

A poor diet also includes one with too

We should consume a sufficient amount

much food, food eaten at irregular times, or

(between two and three litres) of water to keep

insufficiently digested – take time to chew

hydrated each and every day.

and savour your food intake.

A poor diet can also impact on your capacity to learn effectively.

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dehydrate can rise to ten times the normal rate.

Personality,talentandperformance

and vegetable, and excessive amounts of

71

Why we need exercise

X Exercise could be a combination of

X Exercise releases serotonin, which

aerobic (e.g. running) and skill acquisition

helps us to remain calm and feel good.

(e.g. soccer or swimming). Do them

Exercise has been shown to be more

together or separately (go for a run,

effective in combating depression than

then go climbing). The skills create new

Prozac. Not exercising is unhelpful to our

pathways in the brain, making it work

mental and physical well-being.

better. Vigorous exercise is recommended for 30 minutes, three times a week.

X Exercise strengthens the immune system by releasing T cells which fight

X Exercise helps us to learn. Exercise causes the growth of new brain cells,

disease. It also activates cells that repair damaged tissue.

helping us to think in new ways. Exercise

SAMPLE

stimulates alertness, attention and motivation, essential for learning.

X Exercise inspires us to be more creative.

Research shows that after just 30 minutes

X Exercise strengthens the musculoskeletal system, making us stronger.

X Exercise reduces the risks of heart disease and some cancers.

on a treadmill, people are able to think up new answers to old problems: they can think more creatively.

X Exercise helps us to sleep. Exercise develops natural tiredness and also, by releasing serotonin, exercise calms us

X Exercise improves decision making.

X Exercise combats stress, anxiety and

down, ready for rest and sleep.

X Exercise helps us maintain a healthy weight.

depression and lifts mood.

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1

72

What is more important, a healthy mind or a healthy body? Why?

2

What are the best steps you’ve ever taken in an effort to improve your health?

3

When was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical limits? Explain.

12 serious reasons to laugh

X Laughter boosts your respiration and circulation.

X Laughter raises your self-esteem. You feel more confident and relaxed in social situations. Tip: It’s more important to

X Laughter reduces the stress hormones in

have fun than to be funny.

your body.

X Laughter makes you feel more optimistic X Laughter stimulates your immune system so you’re better able to fight off

about life. You’re less likely to feel sad, hopeless, anxious, and depressed.

infections and diseases.

X Laughter releases pent-up negative X Laughter triggers the release of feelgood endorphins, the body’s natural

feelings — like anger, frustration, and fear—in a positive, healthy way.

SAMPLE

painkillers. It gives you an all-over sense of well-being.

X Laughter can make you more

alert, creative, relaxed, resilient,

X Laughter is good exercise. Researchers

and productive. It can sharpen your

estimate that laughing 100 times is equal

memory and improve your skills in

to 15 minutes on an exercise bike. Hearty

decision making, negotiating, organising

laughter is a workout for your whole body.

information, and word association.

X Laughter gives you a different

X Laughter is free.

perspective on your problems — If you can laugh at it, you can survive it!

X Laughter builds and strengthens relationships. As comedian Lenny Henry says, "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”

The three key things I learned in this lesson are:

2.

3.

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73

Write about what's going on for you right now.

SAMPLE Pause for thought:

What does this mean to me?

Only dead fish go with the flow. – Roy Keane

74

Write about what's going on for you right now.

SAMPLE Pause for thought:

What does this mean to me?

Why have a mind if you are not willing to change it? – Edward de Bono

75

Write about what's going on for you right now.

SAMPLE Pause for thought:

What does this mean to me?

You cannot learn to skate without being ridiculous ... The ice of life is slippery. – G.B. Shaw

76

Write about what's going on for you right now.

SAMPLE Pause for thought:

What does this mean to me?

Go the extra mile – it is never overcrowded. – unknown author

77

Write about what's going on for you right now.

SAMPLE Pause for thought:

What does this mean to me?

Peace begins with a smile. – Mother Teresa

78

Write about what's going on for you right now.

SAMPLE Pause for thought:

What does this mean to me?

The best way to predict your future is to create it. – Abraham Lincoln

79

Well-being is an investment in the future, and having good well-being today means we have a great future tomorrow. As students go through life, exam results will be less important, but well-being will become more and more important.

– Dr. Abdulla Al Karam, Director General of the KHDA

The Ways to Well-Being workbook is designed to help young people, aged 15-18 years, explore how to maintain their own sense of well-being, leading to improved academic outcomes in school and a sense of accomplishment in life.

The aim of this workbook is to explore with young people some of the key themes associated with well-being, empowering each of them to become the person they are meant to be.

The workbook is designed around five core areas, each exploring the various relationships young people have in their lives. These five areas are their relationship with: • Life • Emotions • Mindset, meaning and purpose • Past, present and future • Personality, talent and performance.

Each chapter has a mixture of information points, reflective pieces, advice and interactive exercises, where the young person is given the opportunity to reflect on and record the key learnings for themselves.

INSPIRING FUTURES

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T: ++ 353 1 8081494 - F: ++ 353 1 836 2739 - E: info@thesupergeneration.com

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