Block 5, 2024
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Dear Colorado College, We regret to inform you that our schemes, our shenanigans, our machinations have led us to a realm of success that embeds us in legitimacy. We made up shit too well, lied too convincingly, and all around girl bossed too hard - we are officially a member of Cutler Publications. Fear not weary travelers. This move will not compromise any of our mission to sow distrust, confusion, and stupidity into our beloved institution. If anything, this move will enable us to more fully accomplish our goals of “creating issues” and “causing moderate to severe discomfort.” For example, this new nifty format you’re looking at has only been made possible by the generous support from Cutler Publications. And somewhere on this very campus there are 12-15 nerdy writer kids who now get to be pieces of shit in every future workplace holiday party by saying one of the cool things they did in college was start a satirical newspaper. So Cutler Publications is truly doing God’s work. In a matter of days we will have a final decision as to whether or not we will be able to pay writers at The Disincentive, but for now keep sending in pieces. We will read them. We will laugh. You will be published. All of us will continue to not be paid. Heaven gets a little bit closer to a place on Earth. Email us at editors@thedisincentive.com Follow us at @the_disincentive on Instagram. Come find us at parties and kiss us passionately with the emotional depth of someone realizing they’ve finally rediscovered the feeling of coming home. Yours and yours alone, The Editors at The Disincentive
Events Canceled as Administration Seeks Compromise on College Defining Issue
FAFSA 2024 Process Sees Delays
This block two major pre-scheduled administrative meetings were canceled. An announcement on Project 2024 and a public facing “Coffee with the President” were abruptly rescheduled as the start of the second semester got into full swing. In the absence of these meetings, administrators were hard at work aiming to find a solution to an issue at the heart of CC’s identity.
This year the FAFSA process could be generously described as “truly and rightly fucked.” Decisions have been delayed multiple times now and millions of college hopefuls still await insight into how much they will have to pay for school. This brings major concern for students who may be first generation students or who come from lower income backgrounds.
The Project 2024 meeting was meant to be an update on the current standing of the initiative. The project, which aims to make some fundamental change to CC’s individuality, has had a bumpy start. One of the participants of Project 2024, McBaller ‘19, joined the group to leave a lasting legacy on Campus.
To try to alleviate some of these stressors for lower income students some alums have been pitching an initiative to support the Colorado College class of 2028. The organizer, Gloria Weatherbee, said it’s a group truly focused on the future.
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Events Canceled as Administration Seeks Compromise on College Defining Issue (continued from page 1)
Image: One of the more traumatic scenes that unfolded in the fight over new conference room chairs
FAFSA 2024 Process Sees Delays (continued from page 1)
(Continued on pg. 2)
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Pictured: Admissions staff member when they see the application of someone who can pay full tuition.
Arts and Entertainment
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Quotes of the Block
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I think the one thing that the greater Colorado Springs community is missing is just like one super fucking annoying loud ass car.
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- That one guy in that one car
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- Super senior who has acquired knowledge of how to access free food from every department on campus
I’m sorry, how the fuck did we allow The Disincentive to join Cutler Publications?
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I think I’m just gonna go cool off for the night at Lax house.
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- Someone still fully three to four hours away from bed
- Journalism Institute Adult Advisor
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I live in a lawless space where obtaining food from numerous sources is an act of proud rebellion, not an act of warfare.
Now that Daddy cut me off I don’t know how much of my all-expenses-paid-21st-birthday will be all like all ‘expenses’ like ‘paid.’
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- Rebae Kellog ‘24
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Every time I come to this class I get just a little
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bit closer to dropping out.
- Winter Start student going THROUGH it in their FYP class
Infrequently Asked Questions Hey almighty wise ones, Bit of a personal question this block but every guy I’ve ever been with has wanted me to call him daddy? And I’m just starting to wonder if this might have something to do with me… is it possible to have a “would call a guy daddy” energy? - Befuddled but unoffended Hey befuddled but unoffended, We pulled in additional assistance to give you the most comprehensive and updated information on this particular topic. Believe it or not this exact question has come to us a number of times but it is only recently that we have had the resources and connections to really approach this topic. So, thanks to the support from Cutler Publications we’re, for the first time ever at Colorado College, providing a hard hitting journalistic answer to this question. Yes, someone can give off a “would call me daddy energy.” There are numerous examples we can use to illustrate this particular issue but it can probably be most concisely exemplified by only one person. Lin-Manuel Miranda. But I’d prefer if you’d call me mommy, Wise and knowledge ridden.
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Horrorscopes Ariessssssma - Liven up a CC hockey game by bringing some cymbals and banging them together at inappropriate times. Fellow spectators (and especially the players) are sure to get a kick out of it! Taurusususus - Fly to another country. Develop a deep connection with a stranger. Have a wild night with them… A wild night where you go to a bee colony. You take control of the bee colony. The bees respect you. They treat you as their new queen. Your new lover is a worker bee. You have finally achieved it. Power over the bees as well as your partner. You’re unbeetable. This is the best use of a venture grant you could imagine. Geminunima - Sleepy. Leepy. Eepy. Epy. Py. Y. Please get some rest this block break babe. Canceranfas - Ah yes, the days are getting longer. You know what else is long? Haha- its the list of people who love and cherish you and think you’re the brightest light in the world Leoaugchw - Here’s to a cozy winter, snuggling up by the fireplace, sipping on hot cocoa, snowflakes dancing past your window, a leather journal in your hand, and a plan. A plan for vengeance. A plan for revenge. Rise in the new year, rise to your powers. Rise to the level of chaos you were always meant to achieve. You know what they say- new year, new me, new scheme. Do us proud young one. Virgoogoo - Knight someone this block. Not that you have the authority to do that, but pretend you do. Also maybe don’t use a sword, use like a baguette or a pool cue or a long ladle. Librahahaha - As snowflakes continue to fall and kiss your cheeks, be sure to kiss someone else. No silly! Of course we’re not referring to your significant other. We’re referring to the new presence recently noted on the tiger trail. Hey, sasquatch deserves some love too! Scorpiomnoms - Penguins waddle. Seals slide. Polar bears…charge or something idk. You? You strut. You slay the house down Every. Goddamn. Time. Keep doing you, continue to serve into this new year Sagittariworm - Go to a karaoke night. Pull up a selection of ABBA songs. Ignore the lyrics and instead read the entirety of The Communist Manifesto. Get kicked out. CC students are now banned from karaoke night. Way to go you. Capricornyyyyy - Sit in a tree and eat a popsicle with your feet. Prospective students on tour groups need to see what is possible at this school! Aquariugg - To love and to lose is life’s greatest gift, be not afraid to care for others as we journey around the sun together another time. Also do shrooms. Do shrooms just for the hell of it. Piscegg - No plans for block break? That’s ok, befriend the gnomes and woodland creatures of the forest and have a feast! Be sure to bring lots of pie, gnomes love pie. November 10th, 2002 - You know, this time of year is typically when people set some resolutions. Maybe this year you could… get a girlfriend? Haha, just kidding.... But on the off chance you do decide to embark on this, they say its better to be specific. So maybe she could be like, tall, kind of a dirty blond, eyes that some would say look like the ocean, good with animals, an adventurous spirit… idk something along those lines might maybe be good for you in the new year… just spitballing here, just off the top of my head, doesn’t describe any of our writers or anything.
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DISCLAIMER Everything in this paper is completely satirical. While we took inspiration from our campus and the surrounding community, we made up everything here. The quotes, the events, the news: all of it is NOT REAL. Any similarity to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. We have deep respect for the efforts and products of on-campus publications and are privileged to draw inspiration from their work. Thank you for picking up a copy of The Disincentive. We look forward to never talking.
AD: HELP WANTED Due to unforeseen circumstances, our establishment has a prominent leadership position available (this job was last open on September 8, 2022). Must be good with public speaking and be willing to remain strictly neutral in political matters. Also must love colonialism and have a strong grasp on territorial gain through maritime conquest. Must be cancer-free, and willing to change your name to Elizabeth or Henry. Special consideration for individuals who prefer their beans on toast. Perks of the position include all of Great Britain (for now).
* Paid for by the Cabinet Office of the United Kingdom
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