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First-Year Cries Over Facetime Call After It’s Revealed They Get Their Last Choice of Eating House Page Connor
February 24 . 2021
Davidson College Succeeds in Hosting Useless COVID Panel, Setting a Record For Longest Time College has Avoided Important Questions Page Record Breaking
Fraternities Forced to Give Bids to All Three Freshmen That Ended Up Rushing Page Burn Them Down
The Spiraling Mental Health Issue
COVID Care Team’s Daring Diva: An InDepth Biography of Dr. Robert Lutz Page Toddlers in Tiaras
Police Report That Day-Drinking Increased 500% This Placement Day Page Transport
COVID Team’s Plan: More Tents
For those of you who have been brave enough to venture outside your dorm room into the ghost town formerly known as ‘Davidson College,’ you may have noticed a new craze around campus: tents. Tents are all the rage and seemingly the solution to all of the college’s COVID problems these days. Do you want somewhere to work out? Boom, tent. Need somewhere to eat? We’ve got you, here’s a tent, but with a speaker. Now you can even have ~fun~ while eating with one to three (or how many ever people can cram around the table) of your closest friends. These new tents really provide you with all the comforts of the indoors, except for when you can still feel the 30-degree weather hitting your face. Our beloved tents have been such a smashing success, the COVID Response Team has announced that additional tents are on their way for a wide variety of uses: • Ice Skating Tent: Located in that awkward space between the library and the football field, the Ice Skating Tent will provide all the warm feelings of a winter wonderland in a tent. Enjoy gliding down the path as you take the road less traveled to Base Libs or falling on your face as you forget that the ice is there on a mad dash to Wall.
“Do you want somewhere to work out? Boom, tent. Need somewhere to eat? We’ve got you, here’s a tent, but with a speaker. Now you can even have ~fun~ while eating with one to three (or how many ever people can cram around the table) of your closest friends.”
(Skates, helmets, knee pads, and ice all not provided.) • Tent for Mental Health: The COVID Response Team recognizes that attending college during a pandemic is
stressful and challenging, so unwind in the college’s newest spot designated for mental health. Placed in the gravel part of Satellite Parking Lot, its prime location is perfect for yoga and meditation. The Tent for Mental Health is designed to help remove the stress of rising case numbers, midterms, and the lack of human touch. Sadly, due to budget constraints, this tent will just be a small, blue tarp strung on two light poles. But don’t worry, it’s guaranteed to be at least as successful as a random Wednesday and Thursday without classes!
Why Davidson? Ramblings from a Davidson Hopeful
Davidson College is a place of many wonders. My older sister is a sophomore at Davidson, so I’ve been able to have an inside look at the true character of the campus. I have seen the many multitudinous aspects of Davidson: the good, the bad, and the intoxicated. Picture this: Parents Weekend 2019. My sister and I had just been dancing at a party where everyone seemed really tired. It was awesome! We were headed back, but the entrance to the dorms was blocked by a whole gang of raccoons. There must’ve been, like, a couple dozen of them just milling about and sniffing stuff. We had to sit under a tree and wait for them to leave. We tried throwing rocks at them, but the raccoons didn’t seem to care and we usually missed. The event really served to show me the many exciting experiences Davidson has to offer, especially when it comes to connecting with the natural world. It was probably past midnight when we got inside. I was asleep pretty quick. At
6:30 the next morning my sister was up to finish a ten page essay before her 9:00 class. College is so cool, man! Another reason I want to go to Davidson is because I want to have a small-school, liberal arts education. I’ve looked at a lot of schools, but I’m pretty sure Davidson is the only college in America that offers this. A liberal-arts education seems like something that might be pretty popular, but in reality, Davidson is the only college that has it, and that is why I want to go here. I might add that I was born a Southerner, in North Caer-oh-lina’s former CSA brother Keentucky, but now I live in the frigid, Yankee North. For college, I’d love to cross back over the Mason-Dixon line and reunite with my heritage. Yee-Haw! Anyway, please don’t accept me so my family will stop nagging me to go to Davidson.
• The Nummit Party Tent: The best and brightest innovation, this tent will introduce the student body to safe partying. Students have started flocking to Nummit as a fun, alternative place to hang out. To cope with the masses, the school is constructing a tent next to Nummit to allow for even more fun. Let’s be honest, you’re not really safe or having fun unless you are in a tent. Tents are technically outside so it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. At all.
Students Feels Physical Strain of Davidson Grind Years ago I watched a TED-talk about the importance of sleep which began with the following fact: “Men who sleep five hours a night have significantly smaller testicles than men who sleep seven hours or more.” From this point on, whenever I saw a pretty girl at a party, I’d walk up (feigning a limp) and say “I got about 13 hours last night.” Or if I wanted to be a bit more subtle, I’d pretend to check the time, “accidentally” flashing my smart watch’s sleep-tracking feature in the process. And if ever I succeeded in securing a date with someone, I’d pretend to sleep through it just to raise expectations. But this semester, my classes have really ramped up, and as tests have begun swelling into the wee hours, my testes have begun shrinking into wee orbs. The problem has gotten so bad, I went to see the doctors at the health center about it, but all they did was ask me to plug my nose and sneeze. I should add, all-nighters can be especially detrimental to your testicular health if you spend them studying for
“Theatre 305: Slapstick Comedy Involving Upturned Rakes.” Davidson likes to brag about how 20 percent of its alumni end up marrying each other. But what they don’t want you to know is that none of these couples ever have kids together. If you bother to look it up, you’ll find that the fathers of most “legacy” students are actually sperm donors from NC State. My professors don’t seem to take my concerns seriously. It’s always: “I was made really uncomfortable by your email asking for a ‘self-care day for [your] crotch’” and never “Yes, of course, and thank you for the picture.” Well I’ve about had enough of it, so I’m beginning a campaign. Maybe you could help me pick a slogan out of the following options: “Hit the sack or lose your sack,” “Get some shut eye or lose your nut supply,” “Fix your eye bags or shrink your thigh bag,” “Count sheep or count your skeet goodbye,” or “All work and no play makes junk a small toy.”