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Irreverent student journalism since 2004. Te Occidere Possunt Sed Te Edere Non Possunt Nefas Est.
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davi∂sonian.com
First-Year Cries Over Facetime Call After It’s Revealed They Get Their Last Choice of Eating House Page Connor
February 24 . 2021
Davidson College Succeeds in Hosting Useless COVID Panel, Setting a Record For Longest Time College has Avoided Important Questions Page Record Breaking
Fraternities Forced to Give Bids to All Three Freshmen That Ended Up Rushing Page Burn Them Down
The Spiraling Mental Health Issue
COVID Care Team’s Daring Diva: An InDepth Biography of Dr. Robert Lutz Page Toddlers in Tiaras
Police Report That Day-Drinking Increased 500% This Placement Day Page Transport
COVID Team’s Plan: More Tents
For those of you who have been brave enough to venture outside your dorm room into the ghost town formerly known as ‘Davidson College,’ you may have noticed a new craze around campus: tents. Tents are all the rage and seemingly the solution to all of the college’s COVID problems these days. Do you want somewhere to work out? Boom, tent. Need somewhere to eat? We’ve got you, here’s a tent, but with a speaker. Now you can even have ~fun~ while eating with one to three (or how many ever people can cram around the table) of your closest friends. These new tents really provide you with all the comforts of the indoors, except for when you can still feel the 30-degree weather hitting your face. Our beloved tents have been such a smashing success, the COVID Response Team has announced that additional tents are on their way for a wide variety of uses: • Ice Skating Tent: Located in that awkward space between the library and the football field, the Ice Skating Tent will provide all the warm feelings of a winter wonderland in a tent. Enjoy gliding down the path as you take the road less traveled to Base Libs or falling on your face as you forget that the ice is there on a mad dash to Wall.
“Do you want somewhere to work out? Boom, tent. Need somewhere to eat? We’ve got you, here’s a tent, but with a speaker. Now you can even have ~fun~ while eating with one to three (or how many ever people can cram around the table) of your closest friends.”
(Skates, helmets, knee pads, and ice all not provided.) • Tent for Mental Health: The COVID Response Team recognizes that attending college during a pandemic is
stressful and challenging, so unwind in the college’s newest spot designated for mental health. Placed in the gravel part of Satellite Parking Lot, its prime location is perfect for yoga and meditation. The Tent for Mental Health is designed to help remove the stress of rising case numbers, midterms, and the lack of human touch. Sadly, due to budget constraints, this tent will just be a small, blue tarp strung on two light poles. But don’t worry, it’s guaranteed to be at least as successful as a random Wednesday and Thursday without classes!
Why Davidson? Ramblings from a Davidson Hopeful
Davidson College is a place of many wonders. My older sister is a sophomore at Davidson, so I’ve been able to have an inside look at the true character of the campus. I have seen the many multitudinous aspects of Davidson: the good, the bad, and the intoxicated. Picture this: Parents Weekend 2019. My sister and I had just been dancing at a party where everyone seemed really tired. It was awesome! We were headed back, but the entrance to the dorms was blocked by a whole gang of raccoons. There must’ve been, like, a couple dozen of them just milling about and sniffing stuff. We had to sit under a tree and wait for them to leave. We tried throwing rocks at them, but the raccoons didn’t seem to care and we usually missed. The event really served to show me the many exciting experiences Davidson has to offer, especially when it comes to connecting with the natural world. It was probably past midnight when we got inside. I was asleep pretty quick. At
6:30 the next morning my sister was up to finish a ten page essay before her 9:00 class. College is so cool, man! Another reason I want to go to Davidson is because I want to have a small-school, liberal arts education. I’ve looked at a lot of schools, but I’m pretty sure Davidson is the only college in America that offers this. A liberal-arts education seems like something that might be pretty popular, but in reality, Davidson is the only college that has it, and that is why I want to go here. I might add that I was born a Southerner, in North Caer-oh-lina’s former CSA brother Keentucky, but now I live in the frigid, Yankee North. For college, I’d love to cross back over the Mason-Dixon line and reunite with my heritage. Yee-Haw! Anyway, please don’t accept me so my family will stop nagging me to go to Davidson.
• The Nummit Party Tent: The best and brightest innovation, this tent will introduce the student body to safe partying. Students have started flocking to Nummit as a fun, alternative place to hang out. To cope with the masses, the school is constructing a tent next to Nummit to allow for even more fun. Let’s be honest, you’re not really safe or having fun unless you are in a tent. Tents are technically outside so it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. At all.
Students Feels Physical Strain of Davidson Grind Years ago I watched a TED-talk about the importance of sleep which began with the following fact: “Men who sleep five hours a night have significantly smaller testicles than men who sleep seven hours or more.” From this point on, whenever I saw a pretty girl at a party, I’d walk up (feigning a limp) and say “I got about 13 hours last night.” Or if I wanted to be a bit more subtle, I’d pretend to check the time, “accidentally” flashing my smart watch’s sleep-tracking feature in the process. And if ever I succeeded in securing a date with someone, I’d pretend to sleep through it just to raise expectations. But this semester, my classes have really ramped up, and as tests have begun swelling into the wee hours, my testes have begun shrinking into wee orbs. The problem has gotten so bad, I went to see the doctors at the health center about it, but all they did was ask me to plug my nose and sneeze. I should add, all-nighters can be especially detrimental to your testicular health if you spend them studying for
“Theatre 305: Slapstick Comedy Involving Upturned Rakes.” Davidson likes to brag about how 20 percent of its alumni end up marrying each other. But what they don’t want you to know is that none of these couples ever have kids together. If you bother to look it up, you’ll find that the fathers of most “legacy” students are actually sperm donors from NC State. My professors don’t seem to take my concerns seriously. It’s always: “I was made really uncomfortable by your email asking for a ‘self-care day for [your] crotch’” and never “Yes, of course, and thank you for the picture.” Well I’ve about had enough of it, so I’m beginning a campaign. Maybe you could help me pick a slogan out of the following options: “Hit the sack or lose your sack,” “Get some shut eye or lose your nut supply,” “Fix your eye bags or shrink your thigh bag,” “Count sheep or count your skeet goodbye,” or “All work and no play makes junk a small toy.”
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Guess the Garfield Based on an Extremely Close Up Picture Answers on back page. NO CHEATING!!
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Tricks to ID that Quarantine Hotel Room Over Zoom
Are you bored out of your mind in your Zoom class? That’s a rhetorical question, of course you are. Want to play a fun I-Spy/critical thinking activity that can easily be adapted into a drinking game? We’ve got just the classically-COVID exercise for you: Let’s start off with our first test: if you see a wide, blank wall in the background, generally of some sort of caucasian flesh color, you’re on the right track--that person might be staying in their own luxurious hotel room by force. Okay, moving up a level: if you’ve got the beige baseline, you can then look for other important identifying features. A wide, boxy, and well affixed set of heavy-duty, layered curtains is your second big tip-off. There’s no way any college dorm has that kind of infrastructure! A dead give-away is one of those pastel, brush-stroke laden paintings of sailboats. Every hotel across the country is required to have that one specific sailboat painting that we all know installed in at least 50% of their rooms. If it’s not that painting, it’s probably a benign photo of some green leaves or some other plant-based subject. But really check for those sailboats. If you’re gazing about the Zoom panels in your 8:05/8:15, be on the lookout for classmates who are still in bed. If there are piles of numerous fluffy white pillows and conveniently situated bedside lamps, there’s a good chance your homeboy is sprawled out in a queensized bed that is definitely not provided anywhere on Davidson’s campus. Okay, here’s a clue that could go either way -- if there’s a large, flat-screen TV in the background of your homie’s Zoom
video, either they’ve really pimped out their dorm room, or they are numbing the pain of isolation with endless entertainment in a hotel. If you’ve got the fleshy paint color and TV combo, you’re probably looking at a quarantine kickback. This might seem a bit obvious, but it’s important to mention -- if you see any cooking appliances, such as an oven or stovetop, or even a large fridge and some big cabinets, home slice is probably over in Homewood Inn & Suites. God knows the administration can sniff out all cooking endeavors before they’re even started here on campus. Finally, you can just use your intuition. Does that classmate seem to have a particularly “I am dead inside” look in their eyes? Does their hair look slightly dried out by hotel shampoo? When you ask them if they are quarantined in a hotel, do they say yes? If you are able to deduce the answers to any of these questions, you have become a true COVID sleuth. Note: Many of these tips and tricks can be used to ID people who are COVID-positive and quarantining in Irwin. Instead of a fleshy-beige color of paint on the walls, for example, look for a sickly pale green.
Frat Minutes
Placement Day Shenanigans From a House Upon a Hill A family frog runs away. A year later, much to the family’s delight, the frog returns, but is acting strangely. Almost...demonic? May we present GAY, Horny, Cannibal Frog: A Coming of Age Story Once upon a time, there was the happy couple of Mr. Frog and Toad. But suddenly Mr. Frog got seduced by a powerful white frog (PWF) which causes his horniness. The powerful white frog turns around and says “Imma pimp you out.” But surprisE! The PWF is a warlockish capitalist pig and turns Mr. Frog into the horny sexy motherfucker, bestowing upon him a large, voluptuous tongue and a deep-rooted hunger for h u m a n (and amphibian) flesh. The PWF also convinces Frog to engage in his capitalist pyramid scheme. It was the PWF’s goal all along to make him the sexiest beast to traverse the earth in order for him to be the best, most irresistible salesman in the universe. The spell unfortunately had a side effect: with such a luscious tongue, Frog’s hunger got out of control.
Frog shows up at his old door where Toad still resides selling 10 knives for $50! OH MY GOD WHAT A DEAL! Toad sees his long-lost lover, but he appears...different? In his head this is wrong. This is the frog who left him. This is the man who has broken his heart. Yet, can he accept this man back into his life after such a heartbreak? Suddenly, Toad notices Frog’s throbbing, juicy, cherry-red tongue flopping out of his dripping, moist month. *Cannibal by Ke$ha starts playing in the background.* Frog speaks no words but stands there, panting. Almost in attack mode. Toad eyes him up and down before uttering, “Oh, I see...well it has been a while...and I have nothing to lose...so, uh, do you want to take this thing to the bedroom?” Frog approaches, seductively beginning to lick his former lover. ABRUPTLY Frog pounces on Toad and swallows him whole, whispering under his breath, “Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me.” Fin.
Illustrious Frat
SAE (ΣΑΕ) (Sigma Alpha Episilon) FIJI (Phi Gamma Delta)
Minutes Summary
We’ve kept hazing at that beautiful middle ground between unpleasant and potentially life-threatening, so let’s keep up the good work with this year’s haul, boys. It’s amazing how quickly TikTok reputations can ruin one’s chances of being in the least-worst white frat on campus.
SPE (ΣΦΕ) (Sigma Phi Epsilon)
We’re all perfectly balanced men, so let’s play spikeball and disc golf! In the mud! Be sure your mom knows how she can get the stains off our knees so we can be presentable men for all to see!
KSig (ΚΣ) Kappa Sigma
Something interesting probably happened but binge-drinking isn’t a personality trait anymore so it was hard to find anything of substance to report.
Phi Delt (ΦΔΘ) (Phi Delta Theta)
Prospective brothers (wtf even is the real term) will be judged upon three criterion: brawn, beer-chugging, and how much you can bench, bro.
KA (ΚΑΘ) (Kappa Alpha Theta)
Nice knowing you all.
The Yowl | 3
SHOCKING EMAIL DRAFT REVEALED!! INSANE!!
Remarkably, the Yowl seems to be the only people who received a secret and unseen draft of a very informative COVID email from the College Care Team Subject Line: We Care About You: A Message from The Davidson College COVID Care Team: ***DRAFT*** Alternate Subject Line Ideas: You Can Do This! What We Know Right Now. You Are Cherished Hello (Alternate Openings: What’s Up Cool ‘Cats), We are writing to convey some very important information regarding COVID that you have definitely never heard before.
#1: COVID is spread from person to person. Therefore, being in contact with other people makes your risk of transmission go up. #2: Masks work. Wear a mask. #CatsWearMasks. No seriously, they really do. Wear seven so that they cover your entire face, including your eyes, and wander around campus blindly. Take it as a trust exercise--the sheer strength of our community will catch you if you fall. #3: We HAVE to keep Commons indoor dining open--the sheer ambiance of the industrial facility exterior and sad corporate conference room interior makes your food taste at least 37% better, and at times like these, we need every serotonin boost we can get. #4: However, COVID rates on campus have gone up significantly this winter due to activities happening indoors, because COVID shockingly spreads faster indoors. Therefore, we encourage you to never take a mask off indoors, but like don’t worry about going to Commons and sit on the dark side because COVID miraculously can’t get you there. #5: When your teacher wears a face shield with no mask, there is no way for them to transmit COVID to you. It may look like their breaths can escape under the mask and travel to you, but fear not silly children. New science has actually just proven that you have to be the exact same age to the day to transmit COVID to one another in an academic setting. These questionable comments were also included in the email as an attachment. Strange, we know.
My Sincerest Apologies, Dearest Mormons
“God” this, “Jesus” that. But no one ever talks about Allah. It is surely more feasible to look up to a spirit called “Allah”; it’s name spelled backwards is “halla” which is basically “holla” which is basically “holler” which is basically “hollered” which is basically “collard” which is basically a very nutritious vegetable. What can you get from “God” spelled backwards? “Dog”? Okay?! Uh, go have sex with a dog. Any dog. Not Snoop Dog, though. Anyways, God is basically not valid. If you believe in God you are literally an advocate for beastiality. And I am not saying that’s bad…(*said with suggestive tone*)... or is it? You decide, and I’ll provide!...a police officer to detain you, you animal! Or, not so much an animal. You are a human who wants an animal, in every sense of the word. Now, what is my intention of writing this (somewhat?) provocative piece? I need them. I need to find them. I desire them. The Mormons. Oh, but what is the point of wearing a suit of flesh if it weren’t for the followers of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. What a religious whirl-wind I am putting you all through. Anyways, my objective is to lure them in through this article: a partially offensive front. Then, they will notice me, so I can formally apologize. I have made many, many mistakes in my past. When I first came to Davidson last se-
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mester, I had no friends and I knew no one. Thus, I started painting a different picture of myself by lying about my true identity. So, I told half the people I met that I was from Salt Lake City, Utah and that I was a devout Mormon. And I told the other half of the people I met that I had an intense hatred for Mormons. Some people took the latter not so well, others told me later on that they acquired an erection from hearing something so controversial. This information, my polar opposite hot-takes on Mormonism, got back to the community on campus, and it wasn’t received well. I mean, what else could explain the weird looks I get from the fashionably conservative girls and guys on campus? To be one is to know one, and I am certainly not one, or am I? Just kidding. I’m not. But I could be. Maybe this spiel is a cover up to make people think I am not actually Mormon but in all seriousness, I am, and now you have read this whole thing for nothing because what sense would it make if I was apologizing to myself! Oh, you are all fools. No, you are Allah fools. *[Conclusive Ending Status: Vacant]*
OUR WRITERS
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Chuck Sandbox Steffens Curry Li’l Ray of Sunshine Baker Sport’s Complex Sad Gorls
“He’s cute but... maybe he’s just tall at Davidson College.” - All Women
COVID Wasn’t Transmitted at Eating House Gatherings So, we’re good. I know many people reading this might have been disturbed by the goings-on of last Saturday and how they could contribute to the spread of COVID on campus. I was too; however, after careful inspection of the circumstances of the day and the fallout of the events, I hope I can quell some concerns. I pray you do not meet this line of logic with distaste, but rather an open mind. When I first heard it, I myself found the reasoning to be proof of a fool, but now I see that it is foolproof. Saturday morning, in pursuit of my coveted Commons comfort cuisine, I strode up the staircase alongside Rusk to find perhaps fifty females drunkenly flailing around. “Fuck,” I thought to myself as the reality of what could be the biggest coronavirus outbreak yet dawned on me. However, my trepidations soon subsided when a friend of mine approached me. Devoutly daring and delightfully sincere, she hugged me with the fervor appropriate for the occasion of self-selection. Now, I typically hold my breath during these types of interactions for fear of infection. But, that morning, I couldn’t help but take the most innocent of inhales. And when I did, I was met with a familiar fragrance. Alcohol! They had all coated their masks with rubbing alcohol! “That’s
genius,” I thought to myself as my heart settled in my chest. As it turns out, dipping your mask in rubbing alcohol before wearing it reduces the risk of transmission by more than 95 percent – way more than double masking. Don’t believe me? Let me refer you to the current count of COVID cases on campus – the lowest we’ve seen all month. So, just two days after people pioneered this new preventative practice, we’re already seeing results. While this anecdotal evidence seemed promising, I was anxious to get the opinion of a medical professional. I asked one of the on-site COVID testers -- specifically, the guy with the beanie -- for his comments. He replied with things like: “Hey, how are you doing?”, “Please remove your mask”, and “Have a nice day!” So, I guess we don’t even need masks anymore because we did such a good job this weekend. I know, on the surface, the events of this weekend seemed quite “irresponsible” and “reckless,” but I hope I have put some of your fears to rest. Besides, if it was that dangerous, the school wouldn’t have let it happen. Don’t believe me? Take the first letter of every sentence in this article and see what it says.
A Message To the Asshole Who Plays the Union Piano from Approximately 2 - 4 PM Everyday
Dear Sir, As I sit in the Alvarez Student Union and prepare myself to take my online classes, from an institution that costs apprx. $52,000 solely in tuition for said online classes, and prepare to over enunciate my words through my mask, perhaps the worst thing that could happen is for your wretched bangings to pierce my eardrums. Though this will no doubt stir controversy and I admire your artistic endeavors, please migrate to Sloane or wait until normal class hours have passed. My roommate gets the room every other week and I can’t stand this anymore. Also, learn to use the pedal. Cheers, Everyone On This Campus
Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth.
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Garfield Answers 1. Did you guess Lasaga bag Garfield? You got it!
2. Why, that’s none other than Mr. James A. Garfield himself, the 20th President of the U.S.
4. Solemn Garfield stands at attention. Bonus points if you got this one!
3. Yep, that’s Garfield the Cat!
5. Mr. Spiderman himself, did you guess Andrew Garfield?
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Merch Coming Soon
It should be noted that these designs are ephemeral - like all our worldly bodies and souls. We are open to any and all ideas! Serious inquiries/ideas/musings can be mailed through intra-campus mail to Box 7277 or Box 6241.