The Daily Reveille - April 1, 2014

REV the daily

CAT BURGERS IN TIGER STADIUM page 3

OPINION WRITER IDENTIFIES DAD! page 12

JOHN WOODARD IS

LOVIN’ IT

?

‘GAME OF THRONES’ MASTERMIND JOINS

‘GLEE,’ OFFS TEENS page 9

JOHNALD MCDONALD SERVES IT UP WITH A SMILE

?

LES SWITCHES HATS! MILES: ‘THE WANT FOR A NEW HAT WAS THERE’

NICK SABAN ADOPTS HOUNDSTOOTH VERSION TEAM QUESTIONS POSSIBLE ARBY’S DISCOUNT

The Daily Reveille

page 2

Babies HIGH 98.6 LOW 95 sunrise: 1:35 a.m. sunset: 1:36 a.m.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

TODAY’S FORECAST

R E G A N A M Mc Former SG president takes over Union restaurant with ambition and

Tuesday HIGH 140 LOW 139

luscious locks

Wednesday HIGH 10 LOW 9 Quint ‘real name Burl’ Forgey The Gatsby Collection Following his successful tenure as Student Government president at the University, John Woodard has announced plans to take over the head manager position at the Union’s disgraced McDonald’s restaurant amid accusations of theft at the fast food location.

At a news conference in the Paul M. Hebert Law Center this morning, Woodard said his major in finance and unrelenting friendliness were his two biggest assets going into the job.

“No one’s better than I am at laying on the cheese,” Woodard said after winking at a mostly confused audience.

When asked why he would make such a confounding career

move, Woodard replied, “It just seemed like THE NEXT STEP,” and proceeded to lose his composure at the podium.

Woodard said he will refuse to wear a hair net while on duty.

“Students should be honored to have a follicular piece of my majestic coif fall into their McRib,” Woodard said.

Woodard, once in charge of management, said he plans to change all employees’ designations to “McDonald’s staff committee members,” and he hopes to make some infrastructure changes in the restaurant.

“Workplace safety is very important to me,” Woodard said.

“I will go to unreasonable lengths to make sure there are emergency call boxes in the kitchen and better lighting installed.”

APRIL FOOLS’, TIGERS! The Daily Reveille took a break from its normal publication process to bring you a special April Fools’ edition of the paper. Visit lsureveille.com to read the latest news and sports, including a look into today’s softball game and an update on the state legislature. While you’re there, check out photo galleries, videos and more.

POLICIES AND PROCEDURES

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Woodard also said he plans to take charge of employee training at the McDonald’s. He said he will instruct every cashier to greet customers with a firm handshake, eye contact and the clear statement of both their first and last name.

Woodard said it was important for the restaurant to regain the students’ trust, and he outlined a plan to attract more customers.

“I will crudely don the disguise of a no-nonsense clown named “Johnald McDonald” who will harass patrons with the pressing concerns of the student body,” Woodard said. “After I’m done with them, they won’t just be hungry for patties — they will thirst for youth-driven change in the metropolitan area.”

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The Daily Reveille

page 3

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Cat burgers answer LSU aims for top party school spot RATING LSU Collegefessions to campus problem Whitney Lynn

Contributing Writer

Local restaurant offers services Lyle Manion Contributing Writer

In an effort to decrease the number of feral cats roaming campus and spreading diseases, the Society of Humane Students will open its new restaurant, “Cat Burglars,” later this spring.

Cat Burglars will experiment beyond the status quo in the restaurant industry, said William Whiskers, president of SHS. The restaurant serves a philanthropic purpose while also providing quality food to customers in the form of feral feline burgers.

“These kittens, cute though they may be, are dangerous,” Whiskers said. “With Cat Burglars, students no longer have to worry about contracting disease from the little guys. Instead, they can enjoy one of our burgers with confidence that they are making the world a better place.”

Though Cat Burglars is built on an innovative idea, the establishment will borrow traits from other names in the restaurant industry such as Red Lobster, said Catherine McWilliams, SHS vice president.

Upon entrance to Cat Burglars, customers will choose a cat from the box adjacent to the register, said McWilliams. This process not only ensures the burgers are cooked to order, but also determines the price of the burger.

Cat burgers are priced based on the disease carried by the selected feline, McWilliams said.

Rabid cats, for example, will cost more than cats carrying fleas.

This is because of a positive correlation between the quality of meat and severity of the disease, as discovered in a recent Vet School study.

The aging of bacteria and other infectious materials create distinction in flavor, said Professor Maximus Bojangles, feline expert for the Vet School. The process is similar to making fine cheese, Bojangles said.

McWilliams said cat burgers, like traditional ones, are best when dressed.

“You really can’t beat a fully dressed cat burger,” she said.

“Lettuce, tomato, mayo and mustard come standard. Hickory sauce and grilled onions, though, will cost 50 cents extra.”

Cat Burglars will be located outside of Tiger Stadium’s north end zone, a fitting location because most feral cats are found roaming the stadium at night, Whiskers said.

The establishment will expand to other parts of campus, replacing The 5 and The 459 dining halls by spring 2015, Whiskers said.

Students anticipate the opening of Cat Burglars.

Frederick White, veterinary medicine senior, said he has never tried a cat burger.

“I’m looking forward to it.

I’ll definitely pay extra for the grilled onions,” he said.

Graduation rates are on the rise, and student debt is as monstrous as ever. But let’s get to the stats that matter.

Contrary to popular belief, LSU is not the number one party school, according to Playboy magazine and Buzzfeed. Nope, not first. The University isn’t even in the top 10 on the Princeton Review. The University tops out at number 7 on the Playboy list, behind the University of South Carolina and one spot above the University of Georgia.

Something is wrong with that picture.

To truly become the No. 1 party school in the nation, the Office of the Dean of Students will implement new standards required for graduation. Other campus resources will follow suit with various initiatives to make sure the University gets the first place title it deserves.

The dreaded humanities necessary for all majors will now be replaced with classes focused on social media. Yes, you will finally be able to check Twitter and Tinder freely during class, though you were probably already doing it, without the worry of pesky professors and their no-cellphone policies.

The main focus of the class will be how to start drama with someone in 140 characters or fewer, how to craft tweets that will get more than 1,000 retweets and how to not seem super desperate when you talk to your Tinder match. Why worry about philosophy when your follower count barely exceeds 2,000 or you only have six Tinder matches?

Grad students are also going to benefit from a new thesis regulation. Long gone are the days of 20-page research papers. Ain’t nobody got time for that. From now on, in order to graduate with a Master’s or Ph.D, students must submit an anecdote on Twitter’s famous Collegefession. Seems easy right? Wrong. Collegefession only posts the raunchiest and juiciest confessions, so you better go out there and make your school proud if you want to graduate.

The dining halls will also receive an update. Party animals have to stay hydrated, so The 5 and The 459 are implementing new Gatorade, Powerade and aspirin dispensing stations for the morning after a binder.

The University will also provide Greek organizations with stipends for the sole purpose of throwing bigger and better parties. More money means bigger entertainment, so Boosie or Miley Cyrus better make an appearance on campus real soon.

Well there you have it, Tigers. The University is making extreme improvements to the school so we can be the college known for the most outrageous parties in the country. Raise your solo cup in a toast to becoming No. 1!

OUR GRADE

“Everytime I reject someone on Tinder, my heart smiles a little. I feel powerful.”

D

“The beginning of warm weather marks the end of my favorite season on campus, yoga pants season. ...

RIP.”

C A B

“Blackout drunk, woke up next to the school mascot. ... Twice.”

“I like to cover myself in Vaseline and roll around my dorm like a shell less slug.”

APRIL

EVENT CALENDAR

1

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 7:00 PM

Tango Tuesday - Eiffel Society Team Trivia - George's Place Gattaca - DMAE Movie Night - Digital Media Center The Mumbles - Cafe Negril

8:00 PM

Gramatik - The Varsity Theatre Songwriters Night/ Open Mic - Artmosphere John Wooton & Keiso - Snug Harbor-New Orleans Comedy Beast - The Howlin' Wolf Dayna Kurtz - Cafe Istanbul Jon Cleary - Chickie Wah Wah Jillian Michaels - Saenger Theatre Kocktail Karaoke - Goodfriends Bar

10:00 PM

John Wooton & Keiso - Snug Harbor-New Orleans The Most Wanted & The 21st Century Brass Bands - Hi Ho Lounge-LA Mo B. Dick - Cafe Istanbul

For more information on LSU events or to place your own event you can visit www.lsureveille.com/calendar

EVENTS Rockstar Racing “Student Night” Show your student ID and get $5 off go-kart races Not a student? Tag yourself @rockstar racing for a free go-kart race. Come feel like a rockstar at Baton Rouge’s premiere indoor kart racing facility, Rockstar Racing!

Tiger Chapter Ducks Unlimited Spring Crawfish Boil

The Daily Reveille

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

page 4

UNHAPPY STUDENTS

Art students complain their program is too appreciated Piñata Kroun

Contributing Artist

In a rare twist of fate, the students leading the protest of the so-called “disgusting” and “vomit-inducing” conditions of the University’s Studio Arts building have decided their program is too well-funded, and they will now shift the focus of the protest to funneling their hefty budget to underserved programs like engineering.

DeVon Roubillard, an avid supporter of the protests, has worked for years to gain the attention of both the University’s administration and Louisiana’s legislature, and in February his efforts finally gained exposure from various media outlets.

Roubillard’s intentions were largely met with support and solidarity, and supporters of the protest responded with comments expressing their appreciation of the role art plays in their lives.

The additional exposure did garner some negativity, however.

Initially, Roubillard and his crew ignored the aggressively contrarian opinions of anonymous posters on the Internet, but one post in particular deeply affected Roubillard.

Roubillard cited the eloquent posts of GeauxPwnies1977, an avid poster on Tiger Dropping’s OT Lounge, as the source of this change of heart.

“Those dumb arts kids should pick a real major instead of whining about their building, which is probably OK,” GeauxPwnies1977 said.

According to Roubillard, this poetic complaint opened his mind to the realities of the art program’s situation.

“When you think about it, there’s no real reason to fix our building when art and tourism only generate hundreds of millions of dollars in state revenue,” Roubillard said.

According to Marie Daneels, one of Roubillard’s partners in protest, convincing his colleagues to support his new vision was “super hard,” but they came around quickly after reading the revelatory post on Tiger Droppings.

“How can we even consider making the building handicappedaccessible when the engineering program has only received $100 million this month?” Daneels said.

Joseph Bonaparte, landscape architecture senior, also now views the program and the building from a new perspective.

“People complain about crumbling ceilings and asbestos, but suffering is part of the artistic process,” Bonaparte said. “Besides, I’ve made friends with the rats that live in the basements, and I would feel really sad if they had to leave.”

Ceramics senior George

Quibedeaux said the building’s decaying walls and cramped unisex bathrooms were excellent ways to show visitors how much the University’s administration truly values the arts program.

“Do you think Nari Ward was anything less than impressed when he found rat feces encircling his installation? Checkmate, protestors,” Quibedeaux said.

When asked how the University’s top-ranked architecture and interior design programs could thrive in a building plagued by leaks, wasp colonies and decaying animal corpses, Lynda Heigel, interior design sophomore, shrugged.

“I mean, you really want the people designing your house to have some kind of perspective,” Heigel said.

Roubillard said he hopes the protest will persuade the University to transfer funds from the studio arts program to the College of Business and the College of Science, which have received meager sums of tens of millions of dollars this past year.

“I hate that we art majors live in such luxury when rat diabetes hasn’t even been cured and 2 percent of engineers aren’t employed after college,” Roubillard said.

“It’s time for a change.”

CHARLOTTE WILLCOX / The Daily Reveille

Art students hope their protest will persuade the University to give the College of Art and Design funds to the College of Business and the College of Science.

Watch for this ad every Tuesday!

All events free for all students

Connect with us at www.lsu.edu/campuslifeweekly!

Attendees requiring accommodations for a disability or medical condition should contact Campus Life at 225.578.5160 at least 7 days prior to event.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

MAD HATTER CHANGES LOOK! Is he Pharrell about this?

page 5

Sprötz

your move, Saban

Prez Alexander to join basketball team

Move shouldn’t conflict with day job

Story by Mike Gegenheimer: psych ward escapee, rebel spy, failed Olympic badminton player

Dr. James Moran Columnist Ph.D.

For LSU fans, seeing LSU coach Les Miles march up and down the Tiger Stadium sidelines in his white ball cap is just old hat after nine seasons. But the Mad Hatter is upgrading to a more fashionable headpiece in hopes of appealing to a new generation of recruits.

Miles announced Monday that he will trade in the classic LSU ball cap for a Vivienne Westwood Buffalo hat — recently made famous by singer Pharrell Williams at this year’s Oscars.

“The hat worn by Pharrell is a distinguishing symbol of fashion and something I think truly encapsulates the unique nature of this program,” Miles said while modeling the hat for the media during the conference. “I think this cap could help our program create a hip new style and appeal to a younger demographic of recruits.”

Miles said the hat was suggested to him by U-High sophomore running back Dylan Moses during a recent recruiting call the two had.

The brown hat, reminiscent of those worn by Canadian Mountees, comes from English designer Vivienne Westwood’s 1982 “Buffalo Girls” collection but made a comeback when Williams donned the

With senior guards Andre Stringer and Shavon Coleman lost to graduation, the LSU men’s basketball team has a serious hole in its backcourt heading into next season.

Anthony Hickey is expected to return for his senior season at point guard, but with the leading and thirdleading 3-point shooters gone, the Tigers need to find a shooting guard who can be a threat to knock down shots on the perimeter.

There’s still months until the 2014 1 5 season actually begins, but LSU coach Johnny Jones may have found his answer. Jones announced Monday that LSU President F. King Alexander will be joining the team this summer in hopes of competing for a starting spot in the fall.

Alexander, 50, a standout lefty point guard during his collegiate days at Saint Lawrence

NEW HAT TRENDS, see page 6

BALLIN’ PREZ, see page 8

LSU alcohol experiment nearly causes uprising at sand volleyball event Alleva calls event ‘overwhelming success’

Tyler Nuñez Sand Volleyball Authority

An experiment in which LSU allowed the sale of alcohol at the sand volleyball team’s contest against Arizona State went awry Monday, when a heavy under-estimation of drinks needed at the event led to a minor riot before the match even got underway.

LSU Athletics director Joe Alleva said the administration chose to sell beer and mixed beverages at the event in an attempt to “test the waters” before allowing it at larger sporting events, such as football, basketball and baseball.

“We feel allowing the purchase of alcohol at sporting events can only enhance the LSU experience for fans and especially students,” Alleva said.

“Alcohol and sports are virtually

synonymous, anyway. We’re just trying to cut out the middle man.”

Mango’s began selling drinks an hour prior to the start of the first set, and Tiger fans took full advantage, as chaos ensued upon the match’s first serve.

It all began innocently, when junior business senior Bud Adams tried to join the action and stumbled onto court No. 2, making a dive for the ball in front of LSU senior Kaitlin Hatcher.

Although he failed to make contact and executed a perfect belly flop into the sand, he quickly recovered and threw his fists in the air as the raucous crowd rooted him on.

“It was actually pretty fun at first,” said Russell Brock, LSU sand volleyball coach. “I was a little confused, but he just had DRUNK IN SAND, see page 8

The Daily Reveille

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

page 6

Curling team making strides at LSU Rommy Tomanach #blessed

The Winter Olympics highlights sporting events rarely seen in the South, mesmerizing those in warmer climates every four years before disappearing after two weeks.

But for a group of LSU students, two weeks is not enough.

They’ve accomplished a mission to bring a great Canadian tradition to Baton Rouge.

Curling has come to LSU. The process of bringing the sport to campus has been long and taxing. The idea got rolling in February when Curling Club President Jim Flenderson and club Vice President Don Cooper went to the UREC to ask how they can bring their sport to light.

“Some people watch a funny winter sport, I see an opportunity to bring a new culture to the state,” Flenderson said. “A lot of people love curling here. It was only a matter of time until it came to LSU.” The UREC demanded a display of proper participation, so the

duo rounded up 20 students within the week, ready to learn the sport.

Awaiting the proper equipment, the students have reverted to mops and large rocks for their practices at Leo’s Iceland and Hockey Complex.

Despite setbacks, Flenderson said the students were not only able to learn the rules of the sport, but found a way to become successful.

“You would be surprised how well mops replace curling brooms,” Flenderson said. “Who knows what we can become once we actually have proper equipment.

The search then began for a new coach, with Flenderson and Cooper putting out a Craiglist ad hoping to find a leader. Two weeks later, they received a call from infamous coach Jesse Goodman, a curling mastermind who had been blacklisted by most of the sports community.

Goodman became a legend after leading the Icelandic national team to multiple World Championships in the ’90s. But after his involvement in the Copenhagen scandal of 2001, in which he

LSU’s curling team resorts to mops and large rocks as they practice during their inaugural season.

allegedly supplied his teams with anabolic steroids, human growth hormone and deer antler spray, he was barred from coaching almost all curling competitions.

The World Curling Federation’s rule book failed to specify that Goodman could not play in Louisiana, believing no team would ever think of playing in the state. This loophole has

helped Goodman come back into the game.

The team’s first match showed promise for the future, as the Tigers nearly took down curling powerhouse Upper Minnesota State, losing 9-7. Goodman said the result was tremendous considering UMSU’s superiority in talent and experience.

Flenderson and Cooper will

present their plans to make curling an official LSU sport next year, but for now the two dream of what the sport can become.

“Everyone says the debate is whether LSU is a football or a baseball school,” Cooper said. “I like to believe that within five years, LSU will be a curling school. There’s no telling how far this sport can go.”

Robertson starts bus tour, freshman on strike

George Costanza

Assistant to the Traveling Secretary

Fed up with LSU coach Paul Mainieri’s totalitarian regime, Tiger freshman second baseman Kramer Robertson left the team Monday, announcing he was going on an indefinite strike.

Standing outside Championship Plaza at Alex Box Stadium, Robertson held a homemade sign and chanted his motto to anyone who would listen.

“Hey, no baseball, no baseball, no baseball, no baseball,” Robertson yelled.

Robertson said he petitioned Mainieri for a few days off in early April to celebrate Feasternal, an otherwise unknown holiday that his uncle — Cosmo Kramer — created

NEW HAT TRENDS, from page 5

hat for his performance at both the Oscars and Grammy award shows this year. Pictures have surfaced of Williams wearing the hat as early as 2009.

Williams recently sold the hat on Ebay for $44,100 to benefit Williams’ “From One Hand to Another” foundation to support children “by giving them the tools and resources to meet their unique potential.”

Miles denied comment on if he was the winning bidder.

“All I’ll say is that I had a strong want for this quality piece

and the extended Robertson family has celebrated for years.

The holiday, traditionally celebrated two days before Easter Sunday, involves a large family dinner, a gathering around a wooden egg and Robertson family matriarch and Baylor women’s basketball coach Kim Mulkey giving an icy glare to all who question the validity of the celebration.

“I’m allergic to chocolate and egg yolks,” Cosmo Kramer said. “And I find the combination of yellow and pink distracting. It’s a day we all gather and remember the ways we’ve been let down in the new year.”

Robertson kept the wooden egg in his locker all season, but after the Vanderbilt series, it mysteriously disappeared. Robertson still doesn’t

know who pilfered the egg, but he suspects Mainieri or senior third baseman Christian Ibarra committed the crime.

“Ibarra’s got that Spanish swag and I know he played with eggs growing up,” Robertson said. “I bet he’s got it. He and [senior outfielder] Sean [McMullen] worked together.”

In lieu of playing second base for the Tigers, sources told The Daily Reveille that Robertson will team with his uncle to re-start a reality bus tour Cosmo originally launched several years ago.

The “Golden Sombrero Giddy Up Tour” will replace the J. Peterman Reality Bus Tour, a failed venture Cosmo started in the mid-’90s.

The original tour on a cramped school bus featured stops at local repositories and celebrity homes. Robertson said his uncle’s first venture was a valiant effort, but he plans to change the setting of the tour.

“We’re going to Texas,”

of fashion,” Miles said.

Miles’ team had mixed emotions about their coach’s new accessory.

“I’m just excited to get back on the field and compete for the starting job,” said LSU sophomore quarterback Anthony Jennings. “If coach Miles wearing a new hat means he calls my number on the sidelines, then I’m all for it.”

LSU senior fullback Connor Neighbors said he doesn’t have strong feelings about the hat either way, but was later seen asking associate athletic director Michael Bonnette if this meant the team would get a discount at Arby’s.

Bonnette said he was unsure of any connection to the fast food chain.

LSU message board TigerDroppings.com had the most divisive reactions on the change, with some fans saying the new hat is the worst thing to happen to the state of Louisiana since the Civil War. “If [Miles] wears that stupid hat, I swear I’m never going to watch another college football game. This shows a complete lack of control within the program,” said TigerDroppings.com user Saban_Hater1999.

Robertson said. “God’s country. My mom’s friend Bob Sacamano is donating a charter bus.”

With his second baseman gone, Mainieri said he’ll hodgepodge the position in Wednesday’s midweek game against McNeese State. Junior Conner Hale could see time and Mainieri hinted that sophomore shortstop Alex Bregman could move to second.

Bregman was not available for comment.

“If I’ve learned anything in 33 years of coaching, it’s that these kids aren’t robots,” Mainieri said. “[Robertson] wanted to express himself and I think that’s great. I may bring my grandson Holden to see the egg, if he can ever find it!”

March 31 - April 4, 2014 1 0 a.m. - 3 p.m. a t TO W E R D R I V E

F O R M O R E I N F O : W W W. L S U . E D U / S H C | 2 2 5 - 5 7 8 - 5 7 1 8

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

STUDENT WEIGHT

Tiger Stadium is falling down, falling down, falling down

THE DAILY REVEILLE EXCLUSIVE!!!!!

ANNE LIPSCOMB / The Daily Reveille

Tiger Stadium collapsed Saturday after students actually attended a game. Student attendance was so great that the newly reconstructed Tiger Stadium could not hold the weight of the students and collapsed roughly three hours after the game ended.

Many people witnessed the collapse as they were still stuck in traffic outside the stadium. Alexander Box, petroleum engineering, viola performance and Italian senior, said the collapse was the coolest thing he’d seen on campus in his 17 years as a student. “It was the coolest thing I’ve seen on campus in my 17 years as a student!” Box said.

Students were enticed to the stadium when Athletic Director Joe Alleva promised to let students use profanity,after conducting a study in which LSU found that 99 percent of people who attend football games use foul language. No one was injured in the collapse, but several people have reported an influx of feral cats in neighborhoods surrounding the University.

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APRIL 2

page 7

The Daily Reveille

page 8

BALLIN’ PREZ, from page 5

University, has stayed in shape by playing bi-weekly pick-up basketball games in the Basketball Practice Facility.

“President Alexander has an excellent jump shot, maybe the best on the team,” Jones said.

“We’ve seen him play against our guys in practice, and we think he absolutely can come in and help us fill the void left by Stringer and Coleman next season.”

Alexander will be allowed to play thanks to a NCAA rule giving all athletes four years of eligibility.

In light of the Steve Masiello saga — the Manhattan College coach lost his chance at the USF job after a background check reportedly found he never

actually graduated from Kentucky — LSU decided to run expansive background checks on all high-level employees.

The check on Alexander found that he actually graduated from Saint Lawrence in three years before jetting off to University of Oxford for grad school.

Upon learning the results, Alexander approached Jones about joining the team, and the interest was mutual.

After conferring with the NCAA via conference call during the weekend, Jones and Alexander announced the King’s plan to take the court.

“I think I can contribute to this basketball team and help us reach the NCAA tournament,” Alexander said. “My jumper can be a bit inconsistent, but I’ve

The Daily Reveille

been on a hot streak of late. I don’t expect coach Jones to hand me a job, I plan to come in and earn my spot like anyone else.”

Alexander insists playing ball will have no effect on his ability to run the University, but in the off chance something important comes up while he is away from his post on a road trip, he offered a solution — ball never lies.

“In the event I’m not around, whoever raises the question will shoot a jumper. If it goes in the answer is yes; if not, it is no. The ball never lies,” Alexander said.

THANK YOU LSU

‘

For a great first month, and many more to come

Now have drive thru & curbside

chicken & waffles

Going late night on THURSDAY MARCH 27th {THURS - SAT TILL 3 AM}

Home of the Willy-Wich

‘

3285 NICHOLSON DRIVE | BATON ROUGE, LA | 70802 | 225.302.7504

o t n i p o o c s e Insid

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

page 8

frantically announce they were out booze, causing panic to erupt so much enthusiasm about sand across the venue.

Brock attempted to take convolleyball, which I can really appreciate. Sometime you just trol of the situation by getting on can’t help yourself from getting the PA himself.

“I know you are all upset involved.”

But things took an ugly turn about the lack of refreshments, when Adams looked down to find but we don’t need alcohol to have he spilled his beer while per- a good time,” Brock said over the forming his heroics, prompting speaker. “I mean, we’re watching him to let out a yell of profanities sand volleyball, the greatest sport and exclaim, “I paid $12 for this to ever be conceived by man.

Let’s just relax and have a good drink!”

Adams grabbed a volleyball time.”

But the crowd only became and attempted to punt it in frustration, but he instead shanked more frantic, and doubting fans it into senior philosophy major began trashing the bar in an atMary Daniel’s face, breaking her tempt to find some hidden liquor.

It looked as nose.

‘We feel allowing the though things The confused Adams attempted purchase of alcohol at were going to get violent, when to apologize besporting events can senior mass comfore taking the defensive and try- only enhance the LSU munications major Jack Miller ing to prove his experience for fans and came to the ressobriety. in the nick “I’m not especially students. cue of time, claiming drunk, you’re drunk,” Adams Alcohol and sports are “he knew a guy,” who could get a slurred before hunching over. virtually synonymous, few more kegs “Now stand back. anyway. We’re just to Mango’s if everyone agreed to I think I’m about trying to cut out the pitch in. to vomit.”

Everyone The two middle man.’ agreed, and Millagreed to make er’s hookup proJoe Alleva amends over a vided 12 more beer, but tragedy alcohol advocate kegs. Miller only struck when they realized all 10 kegs provided and collected enough money to pay the bar’s entire stock of liquor for three of them, but was assured had been consumed before the by fans that they would pay him back him “eventually.” match even started.

By this point, everyone had “I mean, we appreciate the business; I’m pretty sure we forgotten about the volleyball made enough money today to match, and they occupied Mankeep us afloat for the next three go’s for a couple hours before years,” said Mango’s owner Tim finishing the kegs and making a Bourgois. “I just don’t know Taco Bell run.

“Overall, I’d say it was an what we’re going to tell our regular customers. We likely won’t be overwhelming success,” Alleva able to restock for another week said. “Sure, there was no match, and I’m pretty sure the Mango’s or so.”

To make matters worse, the staff was technically held hosrowdy crowd was stuck at Man- tage for a short time, but that just go’s because of a policy enacted goes to show you the great spirit by the LSU Athletics Department of LSU’s fan base. Not to menrequiring those purchasing alco- tion, the money we made today is hol to relinquish their car keys on par with football games where Alabama comes town. I would until the contest’s end.

Upon learning this news, one expect to see alcohol being sold spectator jumped over the bar at all LSU sporting events as and used Mango’s PA system to soon as this fall.”

DRUNK IN SAND, from page 5

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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

‘Thrones’ writer takes over teen sex drama, promises many, many deaths PANYA STARK · Contributing Writer

In a move that devastated the show’s fans and delighted everyone else in existence, “Game of Thrones” author George R.R. Martin acquired the rights to the sixth season of “Glee” at 2 a.m. this morning.

According to tipsters from Entertainment Weekly, Martin and “Glee” producer Ryan Murphy had been in talks since December, though the nature of their conversations had been unknown.

Word of the agreement arrived at Entertainment Weekly’s headquarters in New York City by TEEN DEATHS, see page 11

page 9

“Entertainment” ‘There won’t be much glee left when I’m done.’

Redneck doesn’t get Danny Brown ‘Southerners’ think Brown dips Gerald Ducote “Entertainment” Writer

Five months after the release of his highly acclaimed third album “Old,” rapper Danny Brown has gotten some backlash from the Deep South. The uproar is not due so much to the bigoted views of most rural Alabamans and Georgians, but from the confusion stirred up by one “Old” track in particular.

Many soBROWN called country folk have misunderstood the song “Dip” as an anthem to chewing tobacco. In reality, the song is an ode to the popular drug MDMA, also known as “Molly.” The term “dip” is slang for the drug’s consumption.

“I went out and bought myself a water bottle, just like Danny says,” said poultry gynecology junior Cletus Folsom. “I mean, where else would I spit?”

Following a spike in sales, tobacco company Skoal has reportedly been in talks with Brown discussing the possibility of a marketing deal for the new DANNY, see page 11

FLAT CIRCLES

Internet heats up over potential ‘True Detective’ pairs

A company spokesperson said that after seeing the hashtag #TrueDetectiveSeason2 on TwitThe premium cable network ter, the creators took notice. The HBO announced recently that it idea took Twitter by storm, with would be continuing its trend of hundreds of fans pitching their innovating in the field of televi- ideas for who the detective duo sion.

After for the many viewnext seaers expressed son should EXCLU their disapbe, such SIVE! pointment as Banksy ! with the endand the ing of the first Kool Aid season of the man. The recent hit show “True Detective,” representative said the profesHBO executives said it was time sional writers at HBO were for the fans to have a say in how impressed at how intricately the show plays out. thought out and developed all of The television show was a the social media website’s user hit among viewers who loved ideas were. watching men speak in too To incorporate some of many metaphors with a fake these ideas that are like, tosouthern drawl. tally awesome, HBO has put an Will Kallenborn

Entertainment “Writer”

online poll on its website where HBOGO subscribers and the dozens of friends who share their accounts can have their voices heard as the second season goes into pre-production.

The poll calls for fans to submit ideas for a crime fighting duo take the stage in the next season.

“I’m sure the intelligent folks of the Internet will choose the main characters of the show with the same sense of subtlety and insight that I would,” said show creator Nic Pizzolatto.

The early frontrunners in the competition were Optimus Prime and Dracula, McGruff the Crime Dog and Tyrion Lannister and Batman and Garfield the cat. One of the first duos eliminated from voting was Matthew DETECTIVES, see page 11

The Daily Reveille

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

page 10

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

Ramis returns from grave! ‘Ghostbusters 3’ back on!

Her name was Barista Fernando Rodriguez Underwood The Great, and she was a local psychic medium, tarot card reader and amateur oral hygienist who claimed to be Jeremy Marshall able to communicate with the deceased Ramis, an opportunity AykGhost Writer royd couldn’t imagine passing up.

“At first I was skeptical, to be One month ago, the world became a little darker with the loss sure,” Aykroyd said. “But after she of one of its most enduring co- began explaining herself, it was abundantly clear she was medic lights: writer, actor legitimate.” and director Harold RaAn immediate séance mis. Generations of fans was in order, featuring mourned in unison, sparka used Twinkie wrapper ing renewed celebration and a Glade candle. Unof his life and art. None derwood channeled Ramis was more touched than his from the netherworld and longtime collaborator and the two friends caught up. fellow “Ghostbusters” star, RAMIS Aykroyd and GhostDan Aykroyd, who said a Ramis talked for hours, just chit part of him died with Ramis.

That part could very well have chat. Aykroyd asked what the afbeen Aykroyd’s longtime passion terlife was like and Ghost-Ramis project, “Ghostbusters 3”—a film asked for summaries of a month’s he has championed in relative soli- worth of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” tude for years.

“He always had the biggest “We had just cracked the story when Harold passed. There’s no crush on Kris Jenner,” Aykroyd way to do ‘Ghostbusters’ without said.

Before too long, talk turned to him. It’s his baby,” Aykroyd said.

“It was a shame that the final post- more important matters.

“He’s the one who brought up script on Harold’s life would be the death of ‘Ghostbusters 3.’ Or so we ‘Ghostbusters 3,’ not me,” Aykroyd said. “He said that as a storyteller thought.”

Aykroyd remembers the sur- he couldn’t pass up the opportunity prise he felt when, less than a week to tell this one last story. I mean a after Ramis’ death, a strange wom- Ghostbuster who’s a ghost, played an appeared on his front doorstep. by an actual ghost! So we broke

Aykroyd writes script by psychic conduit

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out the notebooks. A dozen strawberry margaritas later, we’d struck gold!”

Aykroyd is planning to meet with Columbia Pictures later this week to pitch the story, with Underwood on hand to speak for Ghost-Ramis, of course. The former “Saturday Night Live” star feels the story is a home run.

“This script is the greatest piece of literature I’ve read since ‘Blues Brothers 2000,’” Aykroyd said.

When pushed for potential story spoilers, Aykroyd was quick to highlight the central premise.

“It’s Egon and Slimer on a

road trip going across the country,” he said. “Think ‘Planes, Trains, and Automobiles’ with ghosts!”

Aykroyd also hopes this film begins a trend toward allowing actors who have previously loosed the mortal coil to return to film acting.

“Harold said he’s already talked to Belushi for a cameo and he’s meeting with Chris Farley next week,” Aykroyd said.

Unfortunately, Ghost-Ramis was unable to comment as he is apparently only able to speak through Underwood, and she was previously engaged with a birthday party where she performed with

her partner, Cokey the Clown and his Curious Collection of Canadian Crocodiles.

When asked what the decidedly deceased Ramis said regarding the afterlife, Aykroyd just laughed.

“You know I only asked him one thing,” Aykroyd said. “‘What did you say when you got to heaven?’ And I swear he looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘Just one piece of advice my friend. If someone asks you if you’re a god, you say yes.’”

Tuesday, April 1, 2014 a one-eyed crow sent from Martin’s modest estate in Santa Fe. Murphy said his decision to leave “Glee” in Martin’s hands was multifaceted. On one hand, his other show, “American Horror Story,” is receiving much better ratings. On the other hand, he no longer has any idea what to do with the seniors who graduate at the end of every season.

“George has a knack for these things — I’m sure he’ll know what to do,” Murphy said.

“Glee” fans across the world balked at Murphy’s statement and used various “Glee” message boards to express their hopes that Martin’s reputation for killing off

all of his characters would not be “Don’t Stop Believin’” later topreserved in the next season of night. Despite her objections, she the musical sitcom. still intends to watch every epiMartin assured veteran sode of the new season.

“Glee” fans on his blog that their “Honestly, we’ve been fears were completely legitimate through a lot worse, so at this and grounded in reality. point I’m just along for the ride,” “A herd that Bennett said. grows too large ‘I’m excited to take the According to must be culled.

Martin , losses in show in a Valar morghulis the singing comNew Direction!’’

— that’s Valyrian petitions featured for ‘All men must in seasons past die,’” Martin said. will no longer George R.R. Martin “Glee” superwound just the huge meanie fan and Univercharacters’ egos. sity student Sarah Bennett said “When you play a game she was disappointed with Mur- of songs, you win or die. It is phy’s decision, and she would known,” Martin said. likely cry herself to sleep while Murphy said Martin has gotlistening to the “Glee” version of ten HBO’s permission to bring

HYPE

Boosie goes to social media rehab “Joshua” Jackson Entertainment Writer

Recently released Baton Rouge rapper Lil Boosie has been dropped from his label, Trill Entertainment, for his outlandish social media activities.

The rapper has reportedly sent more than 100,000 obscene pictures on Snapchat, and he has found himself in Twitter jail 14 times since his release from prison.

“I had a lot I couldn’t fit in one tweet, and I don’t know how to mention anyone on Twitter.

That whole 140 character thing is stupid,” Boosie said.

Boosie also has hours of video recorded in the Baton Rouge Vineyard Church that he explained was created “for the vine.”

Members of Boosie’s entourage say the rapper was on his way to find a girl named Nae Nae to ask her why so many people were hitting her when he found out about his release from the label. Upon receiving the news, Boosie decided to check himself into the Hashtag Social Media rehab facility in Bunkie, La. The head of the label realized Boosie’s behavior would hinder the selling of more “Free Boosie” merchandise.

The saying had been placed on shirts, sweatpants, coffee mugs and other items that were sold outside of the rehab facility.

Boosie appeared in style to the clinic. The rapper wore a pair of Gucci shades and Jordan brand shoes that have never been seen before. Security wiped him down from his shoulders to his chest, then his pants and finally his shoes.

A large number of Boosie supporters stood outside the clinic on Boosie’s first day with signs and a radio that played his best songs. Baton Rouge native Michael Gregg led the support rally.

“They really don’t want him to succeed, and that’s sad. I’ll be screaming ‘free Boosie’ until I die at this rate,” Gregg said.

Despite the unfortunate outcome, Boosie mentioned that his family and fans will once again motivate him to stay strong during his rehab stint. He cited Paula Deen as his greatest supporter at this time.

“He loves all of the fried foods I cook for him. He’s my ‘dawg,’ and I’m his too,” Deen said.

Gregg said by Friday, he and a group of Boosie supporters will catch those within the label who set up Boosie and that “choppa season” had just begun.

Child star Amanda Bynes, another resident of the rehab clinic, said she will teach Boosie how to represent himself on social media accordingly.

Boosie must participate in rehab for the next three years, but he said when he is released, he will “show the world” that he is a changed man.

DANNY, from page 9

tobacco flavor “Blueberry Pills and Cocaine.”

Along with the tobacco debacle, Tostitos party dips skyrocketed with the song’s popularity. Mothers loaded up on the cheesy condiment and proceeded to host countless trailer-warming parties for their abundant kin.

Georgia homemaker AudreyAnne Cornhawler commented, “My mama ‘n’ me went out to Wally-World and heard this here song by that Danny Brown boy and thought, ‘He must love him some Tostitos.’”

Rapper Tyga was relieved, saying, “Thanks to Danny, I finally found the molly I was looking for.”

Despite Brown’s popularity as a performer, the song’s content has been criticized by many

DETECTIVES, from page 9 McConaughey and Woody Harrelson. Many critics take this as a sign that voters believe the characters did actually die during the season finale.

Ultimately, the winners of the contest ended up being the somewhat unlikely duo of Morgan Freeman and Speed Racer.

This will mark the first time the two have worked together and

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talent from “Game of Thrones” to the cast of “Glee.” Viewers can expect appearances from the most beloved and hated characters of “Game of Thrones,” including Joffrey Baratheon as a rival student, Tyrion Lannister as a guidance counselor and Hodor as a hype-man.

The show will also include covers of songs from “Game of Thrones,” including at least one performance of “The Rains of Castamere.”

Martin also confirmed in his blog that the new season would, in fact, feature dragons.

“I brought it up as a joke, but everyone at Fox was really into it, so at this point we kind of just have to do it,” Martin said. anti-drug organizations like D.A.R.E. Surgeon General Boris Lushniak expressed his disappointment in the rapper’s standards saying, “Mr. Brown’s attitude toward drugs and alcohol is questionable when considering his presence among America’s young adults.”

The “Dip” ordeal has resulted in both negative and positive consequences, bringing publicity to Brown and the Fool’s Gold record label. Donald Trump has jumped on the bandwagon, reportedly putting up a rental bid for the gap between the rapper’s front teeth.

Brown called for a movement of education saying, “I think all these [expletive] people need to read up on that [expletive] molly.

If they wanna [expletive] roll, do some research, [expletive].”

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Season six won’t air until September, but a teaser trailer will accompany the premiere of the “Game of Thrones” fourth season on April 6.

“I’m excited to take the show in a ‘New Direction!’”

Martin said.

Like to make people mad? Like unfettered control over what you can say in a newspaper? Good news! The Daily Reveille is hiring opinion columnists who are stubborn, misinformed and generally controversial. For more information contact makepeoplemad@ lsureveille.com

will hopefully make for a great second season for the show.

When asked for a statement about the decision, an HBO spokesperson said: “Someone once told me time is a flat circle. Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again.”

Pennington Biomedical is looking for healthy volunteers for a short, 3 visit research study testing the blood levels and safety of an investigational drug.

Eligibility

page 11

TEEN DEATHS, from page 9

The Daily Reveille

Free Wi-Fi, Exquisite Pastries 3350 Highland Road Baton Rouge, LA 70802

The Daily Reveille

Fact!!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

page 12

Alexander No. 1 University Prez, No. 1 dad OFF WITH HER HEAD Jana King Columnist LSU community, I write to you today not to educate you on a matter of sexual health, not to shed light on an event of oppression, but to share with you the wonderful news that I have uncovered.

Today, I join the ranks of Natasha and Malia Obama and Barbara and Jenna Bush. I am a president’s daughter.

In the early 1990s, University President F. King Alexander was short on funds during a trip to New Orleans, so he donated to The Fertility Institute, a local sperm bank.

Months later, a divorcee, my mother, would choose the educated and handsome donor’s sperm to help her conceive what she has called the “greatest plot twist” of her life.

You may call him an educator, a leader or a public servant. I call him Dad. I’m not sure how it went undiscovered all of these years — the blue eyes, the height, the love of political commentary and the name “King” in common — looking back, it was obvious. But of course, I needed to be sure.

A few weeks ago, while Alexander joined Gov. Bobby Jindal for a personal lunch, I snuck past the

Columnist Jana King stands proudly behind her father, University President F. King Alexander.

student workers in the LSU System Office and recovered a few hairs from the floor of his office.

I received a home paternity test from the Student Health Center, an excellent program funded by Louisiana taxpayers. The first few hairs I tested were inconclusive, and I assume I had picked up a few hairs from Mike, as Alexander is rumored to play fetch with the Bengal on the occasional afternoon.

But sure enough, on the third try, I saw the little blue plus sign that could only mean one thing.

I’d found my father.

I immediately called F. King’s

office to let him know. The student worker who took my message made a remark that he was sick of getting these calls from students claiming to be related to the president just before finals each semester.

Apparently, my father had been short on funds a few more times than his December 1993 trip to New Orleans.

I’ve called back numerous times in an effort to show my father I am committed to establishing an open and honest relationship with him.

Determination is a character trait I inherited from him, along with the devastatingly good looks, no doubt.

My second call was to my mother. She was elated, happy to no longer shoulder the emotional and financial burden of a child in college on a teacher’s salary.

“Maybe you can get a job in his office and stop asking me to pay for your Netflix subscription,” she said.

When I shared the news with my friends and coworkers at The Daily Reveille, they joined me first in laughter and then in celebration.

They simply couldn’t believe it.

I pleaded with the editor in chief, Kevin Thibodeaux, assuring him that this story is one of inspiration for the millions of now-college

students who were conceived during the 1990s sperm bank baby boom.

This is not only a University matter, but a matter of the heart.

The story of a struggling college sophomore finding not just a home, but a father when she goes off to school is one that I am sure will be a box office hit. As far as a movie deal, obviously I would play myself, and Kevin Spacey would play my father.

I look forward to sitting down with my father, catching up on the past 19 years that we have spent apart. I know he is a busy man and may not have caught all of the columns I have written in the past two semesters. Luckily, I have a copy of all 52 of them, and I’m sure he’ll be happy to read them now.

I have been patiently waiting outside of his office each day before and after class with a “#1 Dad” mug and a smile on my face.

I hope to soon reunite with the man who helped make me, and who continues to make LSU a remarkable institution of higher education.

Jana King is totally the actual daughter of University President F. King Alexander in real life.

Contact Jana King at jking@lsureveille.com; Twitter: @jking_TDR

Opinion columnists wish for harsher feedback Shut up, meg

Megan Dunbar Opinion Editor According to a recent poll, opinion writers can rest assured that a vast majority of University students appreciate their individual insights about the world around them.

The poll results reflect positive feedback on the website, including such comments as “Your opinion is good and you should feel good,” and letters to the editor about strong feelings of agreement with columns.

As opinion editor, I would like to issue a call for true criticism. As a section, we all feel we are authorities on various subjects, and nothing would help us gain perspective more than a couple commentaries knocking us off our thrones.

“I just wish they would tell me

what I’m doing wrong,” said columnist Jana King. “I feel like I’m getting too much praise.”

King is a particular favorite of critics, with her traditional columns pointing out the positives of a lack of sex education, aligned with the Louisiana public school system.

Much of the section is obsessed with pointing out the positive side to Louisiana’s abysmal scores on many country-wide lists — public education included — so much so that liberals say they’re underrepresented.

Conservatives support this view, saying they feel their viewpoints take up an unfair majority of the section.

Popular University Facebook group “Sons of Liberty-LSU” has lobbied for more liberal columns to balance out their advantage.

Columnist Ryan McGehee has stood up to his own political faction, insisting upon writing about international issues with a well-rounded perspective.

The Daily Reveille Editorial Board

Kevin Thibodeaux Morgan Searles Wilborn Nobles III Gordon Brillon Megan Dunbar

Dictator Vampire Slayer Angry Web Nerd Sick Baby Antelope Hippie Liberal

McGehee, still flying under the radar for his subtle critique of the University of Louisiana-Lafayette last semester, said he believes President Barack Obama is doing a wonderful job with international policy and wishes Obama could run for another four years.

On the other side of most issues is the easiest-to-read columns by Joshua Hajiakbarifini. He focuses on local issues, and many readers laud him for his simple wording and ability to break down difficult issues.

One staffer who feels occasional heat is Anne Lipscomb, the cartoonist who receives the most comments about her skills.

Complaints focus on how much students wish she would stop drawing so they could see more generic photos of politicians speaking instead of her original creations.

There’s only one other critique readers have for the opinion section, and I wish there was a way to address

it across the top of the opinion page.

It has been mentioned that none of our columns are rooted in fact.

We’ve come under fire time and again for our lack of fact-based work. Reveille advisers have called in writers for their failure to check figures and their inability to back up their hate-filled emotional responses to campus happenings.

One adviser mentioned buying us a dictionary to make sure we know what words really mean, and as editor, I’ve considered implementing a mandated Learn To Research Session, in which we would explore reputable sources like The Onion, Stephen Colbert’s Twitter account and Fox News broadcasts.

We do appreciate your acknowledgement that the best writers to represent the University’s student body are mostly white men.

As a section, we represent you all as well as Student Government does, and we want to keep that

Editorial Policies & Procedures

The Daily Reveille (USPS 145-800) is written, edited and produced solely by students of Louisiana State University.

The Daily Reveille is an independent entity within the Manship School of Mass Communication. Signed opinions are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of the editor, paper or University. Letters submitted for publication should be sent via e-mail to opinion@lsureveille.com or delivered to B-26 Hodges Hall. They must be 400 words or less. Letters must have a contact phone number so the opinion editor can verify the author. The phone number won’t be printed. The Daily Reveille reserves the right to edit letters and guest columns for space consideration without changing the original intent. The Daily Reveille also reserves the right to reject any letter without notification of the author. Writers must include their full names and phone numbers. The Daily Reveille’s editor-in-chief, hired every semester by the Louisiana State University Media Board, has final authority on all editorial decisions.

going. It doesn’t matter that more women than men attend school here.

It’s just that white men write better than everyone else.

In interviews at the beginning of the semester, most potential columnists state they could bring “a unique background” to the table, and it shows. They do a great job providing differing opinions from one another.

I’m so happy all of you are proud to call us your school’s opinion staff, and we look forward to writing glowing reports of all campus happenings in the future.

Megan Dunbar is a uniquely opinionated jerk.

Contact Megan Dunbar at mdunbar@lsureveille.com; Twitter: @TDR_MDunbar

Quote of the Day “Hasn’t anyone ever told you?

Life isn’t fair.”

Bella Swan vampiress and C-section expert Sep. 13, 1987 — eternity

The Daily Reveille

Fact!!

page 13

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

U LS s de va in st ni a um sh tu us o lm a us Lizardo BLUE COLLAR SCHOLAR

Justin Stafford Columnist LSU is a place of mystery and intrigue with a colorful history and a strange institution at present. But if the students and the U.S. Department of Homeland Security do not act quickly, there may be no future.

The time to fight is here, Tigers.

The University has been infiltrated.

They’re here.

Lizard-like humans or humanlike lizards — it won’t matter once their species subdues ours — have been spotted lurking among the stately oaks at LSU and leaving signs of their presence all over the campus. For too long, the University leadership has overlooked key indicators of the onset of a reptilian-led apocalypse. Either those in control are oblivious, or maybe those mere humans are being controlled. That is, if they are human at all.

This would explain the prolonged overhaul of the College of Art and Design. The creatures currently inhabit the art buildings. It makes sense because of the cool, damp and musky atmosphere within the dimly lit hallways of its confines.

Part of the ceiling in the ceramics studio fell last year. The interviews printed in The Daily Reveille regarding the disaster were not completely disclosed. A student, who will remain anonymous for fear of

becoming the breakfast for some cold-blooded carnivore, noted a loud hissing noise before the tile fell, followed by a glimpse of what appeared to be a large green tail.

It is suspected that the nonindigenous Lizardousalmoustushumanist are feeding off the vast squirrel population at night. A blood smear that still lingers on the exterior wall of Middleton Library next to what appears to be a splatter of feces is all that is left of our beloved albino squirrel. To put it politely, the sudden attack must have prompted a sudden bowel movement from the fearful rodent. The adorable white squirrel that was once considered a sign of good luck is no more.

The species is rather large in size and extremely vicious-looking.

Imagine Barney, the big purple dinosaur, merged with Predator and fueled by his insatiable thirst for warm blood, as opposed to singing children’s songs and making macaroni sculptures. These abominations wish to devour the children and spare the macaroni according to their Twitter account. @DaBombDiggityLizard tweeted last week, “I wish to devour children and spare the macaroni.”

These guys mean business.

This explains the reasoning behind poor campus security at night.

Those who vowed to protect and serve are frightened of these gnarly beasts, and rightfully so. This means those authorized to carry firearms on campus are much too shaken to utilize their weapon for defensive

TOMMY ROMANACH / The Daily Reveille

A lizardousalmoustushumanist is caught sneaking around the Studio Arts building.

purposes. In what could possibly be the start of an Orson Welles-type end to the world, maybe it’s time to start looking to students to go through the proper motions to arm themselves.

Just as Superman is weakened

by Kryptonite, the lizard-esque terrors are deathly allergic to cigarette smoke and highly susceptible to its effects from distances as far as 3 miles, according to the highly cited and reputable Wikipedia. Should a complete elimination of smoking privileges on LSU’s campus be implemented, it could mean mass annihilation of the human race. This is a fear much greater than the initial worries of having one’s head chewed off by an angst-filled smoker

prohibited from taking a drag off a Camel during finals week.

The evidence is clear and undeniable. The end is nigh unless immediate action is taken to crush these invaders that continue to trouble, complicate and strike fear into the hearts of men and small mammals alike.

However, the only things to fear are fear itself and the poor job market that awaits aspiring graduates.

We can send the lizard scum back to where they came from by completely renovating the Studio Arts Building.

The creature’s hatred for humanities is clear in their stance on macaroni sculptures. Let those who wish to light up — if they must — do so.

Increase night security on campus to assure the vermin aren’t sticking around for late night strolls.

If the task at hand proves to be a failure, there will be no more “Forever LSU” and the chant should be altered to “Temporarily LSU.” Stand with me, my fellow peers and let’s show those wretched reptilians what the Fightin’ Tigers are all about.

Justin Stafford swears he’s not a lizard-person.

Contact Justin Stafford at jstafford@lsureveille.com; Twitter: @j_w_stafford

OBAMA COMES OUT OF THE SOCIALIST CLOSET!!!

Mr. Fini Joshua Hajiakbarifini Columnist Finally the truth has come out.

Sources close to Barry Soetoro, AKA Barack Obama, confirm that he is in fact a Marxist Muslim Nazi socialist from Kenya who seeks to destroy America. Everyone grab a Tea Party friend and thank them for knowing the truth before we did.

Students should be interested to know that we currently live in the United Socialist States of America.

For students who question this notion, it is because you all have been brainwashed by socialist-loving professors who pollute the minds of God-fearing, America-loving children. This is evident with the level of patriotism and family values students have when they don’t go to the socialist public schools. Students who decide to go to a Christian private school or be home-schooled are more American and patriotic than those who don’t.

After all, it is only at a Christian private school or home school where propaganda isn’t allowed.

One of the worst parts of Obama’s agenda is to get women

Pablo Martinez Monsivais / The Associated Press

Obama thinks about all the Republicans he’s hoodwinked and laughs about the socialist takeover of the West.

and girls to think that they are somehow equal to men. When the market decides to pay women 77 cents to a man’s dollar, clearly it knows better than some socialist bureaucratic czar appointed by Obama.

Obama’s agenda against family values is clear. He must turn little girls of America into angry femi-nazis who want to destroy the family. Everyone knows the

downfall of the family is when wives think too much and refuse to be submissive to their husbands.

Marxism clearly influenced Obama’s health care plan. He took an old Republican health care reform plan and made it his own by putting his name on it — Obamacare.

As a Kenyan Muslim Marxist Socialist Nazi, Obama seeks to weaken the United States

militarily and destroy our security.

Obama already succeeded in weakening our military with defense cuts.

Obama cut defense spending from Bush’s $500 billion down to the current level of $672 billion.

Another example of Obama as a weak president is the Benghazi cover-up.

Obama’s foreign policy showed his socialist agenda when he continued the embargo against fellow communist state Cuba, he tried to topple the socialist government of Venezuela and when he backed anti-socialist Nazis in Ukraine.

In regard to his hippie environmental job-killing agenda, Obama bailed out BP after the oil spill and increased oil production to the highest levels in American history. Nothing says love for the environment like drill-baby-drill.

Obama’s socialist agenda truly shined during the financial crisis when he voted to bailout Wall Street. When liberals and progressives wanted justice on Wall Street, Obama answered their call by not putting a single banker in jail.

The truth the liberal media won’t show us is that most people long for the Bush years. America was a Republican paradise in 2008 before Obama came in and ruined everything.

In the Bush era, we bailed out the banks that destroyed the economy, had two wars because one is too boring, jammed Gitmo with hundreds of whiny foreigners complaining about something called rights and had great ethical business leaders running the economy like Ken Lay in Enron and George W. Bush in the White House.

It is an Obamanation to have a socialist in the White House. Americans hate socialism as long as we don’t include social security, Medicare, Medicaid, corporate welfare, farm subsidies, computers, pharmaceuticals and the Internet.

Americans long for the free market good times of child labor, poisonous rivers, worker exploitation, environmental destruction and chaotic financial crashes. We all miss Reagan’s “greed is good” era because the most important thing in life is caring for yourself, especially when times are hard.

Joshua Halfdjsggki is a closeminded Christian extremist from Arabia.

Contact Joshua Hajiakbarifini at jhajiakbarifini@lsureveille.com; Twitter: @JoshuaFini

The Daily Reveille

page 14

Edelman at aedelman@z-comm.com. ________________________ DENTAL OFFICE, FRIENDLY DR. & STAFF NEEDS TELEPHONE SECRETARY. MON. -THUR. 2-5:30 CALL DR. BRANSTETTER 225-924-4208 ________________________ Models wanted for promotions. Bikini tops and shorts. $10/hr plus gratuity.

Fun, safe atmosphere. Text interest to 225-284-4157 ________________________ St. Aloysius After School Care is looking for counselors to work from 2:55 – 5:30 pm beginning immediately. If interested, please e-mail resume to jkleiner@aloysius. org ________________________

Mover/Driver for TWO MEN AND A TRUCK. Great summer job. Pays 10-12/ hr plus tips and bonuses. Apply online at www.twomen.com ________________________

Camp Bow Wow BR is now hiring responsible camp counselors and pet sitters! Must not have a fear of dogs and must be able to work weekends and holidays! Please stop by to fill out an application! 7195 Pecue lane, 70817. 225-810-3647 ________________________

Students needed to work with individuals with Developmental Disabilities. Great job for COMM D, PSYCH, Social Work and KINES majors. Several shifts available.

Apply in person at St. John the Baptist Human Services 622 Shadows Lane St A. Baton Rouge, LA 70806. 225-216-1199 ________________________ Student Employment ________________________ PART TIME Assembler / delivery person.

Mechanically inclined preferred. Apply in person at Fitness Expo 9603 Airline Hwy. B.R. La. ________________________ NEED SALESPERSON FOR CART AND STORE IN THE MALL AT CORTANA .

CALL SAM @ 9852857818 . EARN AND LEARN . ________________________ Communications Team Intern eQHealth Solutions is seeking a part-time paid Communications Team Intern to support quality improvement team communications to target audiences, create newsletters, fliers, letters, etc., plan events, as well as write, edit, produce and distribute publications, and audio/visual presentations.

Relevant work experience in journalism, communication, English or related fields.

Must have strong communications skills.

Proficient in MS Word, Excel, Outlook, Power Point, and internet research. Workdays, M – F, hours flexible.

Send resume to: Resumes@eqhs.org Or Fax to 225-248-7829 EOE ________________________

JOHNNY’S PIZZA HOUSE We offer: -Flexible work schedules -No late nights APPLY NOW: http://johnnys-pizza.net/career/ COME JOIN OUR TEAM TODAY! ________________________

Private school is looking for a Technology Teacher substitute. The position is Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Please email your resume to nathalie@brisla.com ________________________

Sporting Goods and Convenience Store has openings for Customer Service/Cashier. Job will include front counter sales, answer phones and assist customers. Must be a team player with a positive attitude and able to multitask. Hunting and Fishing knowledge a plus. Send resume to officemgr@spillwaysportsman.com ________________________

YMCA SUMMER DAY CAMP COUNSELORS

i-Catchers Hair & Body Spa is looking for a cheerful, energetic person to be a part of their team as a receptionist / guest service host. This is a part time position and we can work with some school schedules. We offer competitive pay, plus you get free or discounted hair services and products.

Please apply in person. Check out our site at www.i-catchersbr.com for location. ________________________ Zehnder Communications has an opening for a paid public relations internship. The position starts May 1, running through the summer and fall. Email a cover letter and résumé to Director of Public Relations Ann

NOW HIRING! Counselors responsibile for care and supervision to campers as well as facilitatin games, activities, arts & crafts, and field trips. Monday-Friday, flex schedules and FREE Y membership.

Dependable and motiviated individuals, exper. in working with youth and children agest 4-16. Apply in person at any YMCA location: A.C. Lewis, Paula G. Manship, C.B. Pennington, Jr., Dow Westside, Baranco-Clark, Southside, ExxonMovile, and Americana. ________________________ YMCA CHILD CARE & PROGRAMS COORDINATOR Supervise before/after school care sites, holiday and summer camps, family nights, teen and other school age programming events. Experience working with youth and childcare preferred plus computer skills.

P/T 22-28 hrs/wk.

Current CRP/First Aid Certification. Must pass B/G check and drug screen. Apply in person to Baranco-Clark YMCA, 1735 Thomas Delpit Dr., Baton Rouge, LA or email resume to Eddrick Martin @ emartin@ymcabr.org ________________________ Weekend Leasing Agent Needed ASAP for New Property in Baton Rouge!

Hours: Sat 10-4 Sun 1-5 Please fax resume to 225-924-2226 One Bedroom compensation included upon hiring. ________________________ Full/Part time, flexible hours. Landscape, Construction Laborer. Call 225-202-8875 or email Caity@smithandbaker.com ________________________ Small Childcare Center off of Perkins Rd. hiring part-time preschool afternoon teacher 2:30-5:30 M-F. Email Holly.

Morris@countrydayschoolbr.com ________________________ DENTAL OFFICE P/T assistant/receptionist needed. Great opportunity for those interested in the dental/ medical field. Fax resume’ to (225)7662122. ________________________ Behavioral Intervention Group is looking for Line therapists to implement Applied Behavior Analysis programs one-on-one with children on the autism spectrum.

Applicants must demonstrate ability to interact and play with children.

Experience with children. Salary $9-$10/hr.

Please send resume to admin@big-br.com. ________________________ SELA Aquatics is now hiring lifeguards, swim coaches, swim instructors, managers for several BR and NOLA country clubs for Summer 2014. Apply at www.selaaquatics.com. ________________________ Assistant Managers and Team Members Wanted. Smoothie King and Jimmy John’s.

Greater Baton Rouge area. Must have resume’. Email to eric@one12.net ________________________ Student Worker Needed for downtown law firm. Send resume and available work hours to lajobpost@gmail.com. ________________________ Massage Envy Spa, Coursey Place is now hiring front desk associates. Stop by today to fill out an application and meet our friendly team! Located near the corner of Coursey and Sherwood. ________________________ Part-Time position with Nabisco 25-30 hours in retail for Baton Rouge area.

Please use the link below to apply http://global.mondelezinternational. com/Careers/Find_a_Job_With_Us/ USJobs/CareerApplication.aspx?isrc =https%3A%2F%2Fmondelez.taleo. net%2Fcareersection%2Fmndlz_careersite_hourly%2Fmoresearch. ftl%3Flang%3Den ________________________

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Kidcam Summer Camps is hiring - all positions! Director, Assistant Director, Group Leaders, Counselors - apply today! Must have experience working with groups of children and great attitude! Apply online at www.kidcamcamps.com or email resume to kidcambr@gmail.com ________________________ DEREK CHANG’S KOTO: NOW HIRING SERVERS NO EXP NECESSARY APPLY IN PERSON MON-FRI 2:30PM4:30PM 2562 CITIPLACE CT ________________________ St. Theresa Summer Day Camp in Gonzales is hiring counselors for May 27thJuly11th. Must be 21 or older. Visit www. summerwarriors.com or email resume to office@summerwarriors.com. ________________________ FT home-school tutor/caregiver for 14 year-old girl with autism. Includes ABA training & supervision towards BCaBA / BCBA. Contact brstmd@bellsouth.net

Accepting Deposits for Summer/Fall Move Ins Lake Beau Pre Townhomes, Arlington Trace & Summer Grove Condos 2 & 3 Bedrooms Dean & Company Real Estate 225-767-2227 www.deanrealestate.net ________________________ 4 Bd/4Ba Townhouses Available.Units have all appliances including Washer/ dryer.Private yards with patios.$1600.00 Call Mike 225-802-6898 ________________________ Summer Sublet Claycut & Acadian $1400 plus utilities 337-257-2010 ________________________ LSU area $475-$495/mo 1 bed/bath flats.

Water, sewer trash included, wood/tile floor. Call 225-615-8521 ________________________ 3 BR, 3 BATH gated townhome. Burbank/Bluebonnet area. $1500/mo. No pets. (225)413-8097/(225)752-4825.

I AM LOOKING TO PURCHASE IPHONE AND SAMSUNG GALAXY IN ANY CONDITION. IF YOU HAVE BROKEN PHONE OR USED PHONE THAT YOU WANT TO TRADE

FOR CASH, PLEASE CALL OR TEXT ME AT 225…937…8866

08 burgman 400 scooter low mileage great cond. 3500$ call 225-241-1705

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The Daily Reveille

page 15

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Breaking Astronomy department changes to astrology Change an attempt News: The Reveille Horoscope to make stars easier

Philosophy majors Kant believe it’s all a Deleuzian

LSU Bookstore Starbucks runs out of -iccino flavoring Students are oh my god, like, so waiting for Spring Break Student burns American flag shorts in protest Local hypebeast lookin fresh to death F. King Alexander dubs new duke of the Honors College

Tigerland bar bans “Callin’ Baton Rouge,” riot ensues Tiger Stadium changes nickname to Free Speech Valley

Wi-fi working perfectly Frisbee team loses to pack of feral dogs Fraternities ambivalent about upcoming purgatory week Student’s rug really ties the room together

Local bum was Jesus all along

club organization.”

Creative writing sophomore Julie Emerson said the level of difficulty of her introductory astronomy course surprised her when she realized the class Michael Tarver was more than just learning the New Contributor eight or nine planets of the solar The University Department system in order.

“I really don’t know why this of Physics and Astronomy decided in an administrative meet- has to be so hard,” Emerson said. ing Monday to change the cur- “I thought we were going to be riculum, name and overall aim of learning about our birth signs and the astronomy program to study stuff, but we’re not.”

Emerson said she is glad the astrology because astronomy was just not working out. It’s was just department has made this change and has veered more toward a too hard.

According to Merriam- science that has no scientific evidence to support it.

Webster definitions, asMany of her peers will tronomy is the scientific be sure to sign up for study of stars, planets and other objects in BREAKING the fall sections of the newly revised classes, outer space. The defininews she said. tion of astrology is the One University prostudy of how stars and fessor, Normal Boyles, movements of the planets have a “supposed” influence was outraged by the departmental on events and on the lives and adjustment and claimed he would do anything in his power to combehaviors of people.

University associate profes- bat the modification.

“This is freaking ridiculous!” sor Burt Starr said the goal of this program change is to cultivate Boyles said. “I can’t believe the more interest among students and administration would do somehopefully raise attendance in the thing so inauspicious and detriotherwise ghost town classrooms mental to such a great astronomy program.” hosting the stargazing courses.

While the outburst was not After years of studying the physical makeup of stars millions taken lightly by administration, of miles away, Starr said the as- Starr said the concern was distronomy faculty simply realized placed and Boyles’ presence they did not actually know what within this department discussion was confusing. they were talking about.

“Yeah, that guy is an English “What’s the point of studying things that are so far away professor,” Starr said. “I’m not anyways?” Starr said. “I think really sure what he was doing at students would be much more the meeting. But he also wasn’t interested in studying astrology, wearing pants, so this was the right decision.” a.k.a. their horoscopes.”

The Obama administration is requesting $17.5 billion for the NASA budget, but Starr said this is really too much money to be devoted to a “Star Wars fan

Aries Watch out for quicksand.

Taurus Tacos for dinner tonight?

Maybe some chorizo, a little lime and diced onion? Call me — (401) 617-8754 Gemini You’re a great person. Don’t ever bother to stop and reflect on your own actions. You’re good.

Cancer Yep, you’ve got it.

Leo No, it doesn’t matter what the person talking to you is saying. Social media needs you right now.

Virgo Get Chinese for lunch. Refer to fortune cookie.

Libra Oh geez. I’m sorry. I guess... phew. Probably just stay home today. Close the curtains.

Scorpio You definitely have the coolest symbol. You’re probably the coolest. Keep doing you.

Sagittarius Be sure to get an oil change every 5,000 miles.

Capricorn Seriously, hit me up if you want to get tacos.

Aquarius You’ll probably be visited by, I don’t know, angels. Elves?

Whatever.

Pisces Beware strangers claiming to know your future.

FOR RELEASE MARCH 25, 2014

THE Daily Commuter Puzzle ACROSS 1 Dryer residue 5 Snatches 10 __ around; look for a good buy 14 Stench 15 Word after CB or shortwave 16 Canary’s home 17 Chimney pipe 18 Ring-shaped island 19 Take on employees 20 Renters 22 Worker 24 John __; unknown man 25 Wild 26 Burn with liquid 29 El __; Spanish hero 30 Marathons 34 Subdue 35 Saloon 36 Jeer at 37 Geisha’s sash 38 Removed text 40 Compete 41 Little squealer 43 Groupie 44 Choose 45 Pry into the affairs of others 46 Cougher’s bug 47 Treaties 48 One stroke over par 50 Last page of a calendar: abbr.

51 __ team; the best of the best 54 Soap operas 58 “__ ’Till the Sun Shines, Nellie” 59 Of the city 61 Fiasco 62 Pinnacle 63 First, neutral, reverse, etc.

64 __ of Capri 65 2014, for one 66 Golfer Els 67 Freezing DOWN 1 Upper room 2 Doing nothing

3 Part of speech 4 Sewing machine pedal 5 Shred cheese 6 “Phooey!”

7 Hustle & bustle 8 Sent an invoice to 9 __ power; Sun’s energy 10 Diligent pupil 11 Barber’s focus 12 Monster 13 Look searchingly 21 Wynken, Blynken and __ 23 Exposed 25 Lightning bug 26 Goes no further 27 Forest home 28 Spanish friend 29 Coolidge, to friends 31 Popular Honda 32 Royal decree 33 Hunts for 35 Wager 36 Lion’s lair

by Jacqueline E. Mathews

Monday’s Puzzle Solved

(c) 2014 Tribune Content Agency, LLC All Rights Reserved.

38 Bus station 39 Fraternity letter 42 Steak and __; pricey entree 44 Largest ocean 46 Mel or José 47 __ person; apiece 49 Measuring tool

50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 60

Thickheaded Run __; flee Frilly veil trim Peru’s capital Indian robe Additionally Lounge around Drove too fast Refuse to allow

page 16

The Daily Reveille

Thanks

Tuesday, April 1, 2014