UC M4 CS Listening Skills Manual

LISTENING SKILLS Manual

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INTRODUCTION TO LISTENING SKILLS To be listened to and heard is a striking experience. This is partly because it happens so rarely. People get ‘bigger’ when they are being listened to; they have more presence. They feel safer, more secure and they begin to trust.

Most people assume that they are great listeners. What most of us don’t realise is that it takes a conscious effort to be an outstanding listener.

Outstanding listening is more than nodding and agreeing. In fact, it can sometimes mean doing the exact opposite! Listening effectively means getting ourselves out of the way, so that we hear exactly what is said, without making assumptions and interpretations about its meaning.

This is challenging, because we are trained over the years to make jumps in reasoning about what someone means as a way to ‘fast-track’ a conversation.

‘Standard’ listening is what most of us engage in.

Great listening is based on the presupposition that the map is not the territory. This means that how we perceive reality is based on how we represent the world to ourselves… it is imperfect, but it is all we have.

We have over 2 million bits of information coming at us at any one time. We cannot process this amount of information so we filter out all but about seven plus or minus two chunks of information. We are HUGE deleters, distorters and generalises. It is the only way we can survive.

As coaches it’s our job to listen for what our client is distorting, deleting or generalising about and to then get curious about whether these choices are going to serve, support, nurture and challenge our client.

This takes practice, the removal of assumptions about what something means, patience and above all a willingness to be wrong.

Earlier in this course, we explored what it takes to be an outstanding listener. Most people believe they are good listeners, yet to be truly heard is a profound experience.

This part of the workbook is going to look a little deeper into what it takes to be an outstanding listener. Even after hundreds of coaching hours, it is important to continue to work on developing listening skills… it is definitely a journey.

In coaching, as in selling, there is no greater asset than listening. People generally care more about what they have to say than what you have to tell them. Clients like to feel that they are important to you. You are there to meet their needs, not the other way around.

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Being a great listener means having a lot of influence in the conversation. Your words, when you speak, will carry great weight. The outcome the coach wants from listening is to allow the client to trust them and to open up, so that the coach can best assist the client in their transformation.

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EFFECTIVE LISTENING SKILLS We each have the ability to listen at the level needed to create the space needed for transformation to occur. We need to remember that the simple act of observation will impact the outcomes. To observe without 100% focus will not serve the client.

EFFECTIVE LISTENERS  Concentrate on the speaker  Respond to what the speaker has said  Make a response that is relevant to what the speaker has said  Ask questions to check their understanding  Make comments (and agreement) without interrupting the speaker  Make notes if needs to  Evaluate what they are hearing  Remain alert through good body language (posture particularly)  Allow the speaker’s conversation to flow  Notice the client’s modality  Notice the client’s tonality  Notice the client’s body language  Tune into the client’s chunk levels  Respect the client’s map

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INEFFECTIVE LISTENERS 

Are preoccupied with self or other things

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Appear disinterested

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Concentrate more on how they will respond, rather than what is being said

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Lack of concentration in speaking

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Often repeatedly respond with “yes” “yes” “yes”

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Do not check understanding

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Speak and/or interrupt

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Make assumptions

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Interruption without volition

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Change the subject

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Don’t validate the client’s suggestion before making one of our own

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Say BUT…

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Mismatch the client’s modality

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Fidget

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Have poor eye contact

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THE BENEFITS OF ‘GETTING OUT OF THE WAY’ When we ‘get out of the way’ of what is being said, we clear the space for the speaker to fill. This empowers the speaker, builds trust and enables the speaker to explore what is really on their minds.

Getting out of the way means we suspend judgement and opinion. It means that we listen to understand, not to offer advice. We listen to learn what the speaker’s map of the territory is.

When we get out of the way or ‘clear the space’, we are able to see if the speaker is on track with what is of value to them. Are they on track with their vision? Are they honouring their values? Are they letting limiting beliefs block their growth?

Being Present Includes:  Great eye contact  Staying still  Nodding to encourage  Mirroring/matching  Being curious  Active listening How can we be present?  Listen generously  Listen for patterns and meaning  Listen without judgement  Listen without assumptions Ways of responding which demonstrate that we are being present  “Thank you…”  “That sounds important to you…”  “Hmmm…”  “Tell me more…”  “What else?”  With silence

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HOW TO LISTEN

LISTEN GENEROUSLY This requires much focus and attention. You need to be completely open to hearing whatever your client may bring.

1. Focus completely on the client If you notice yourself drifting, then bring your mind and focus back to the client. When they know you are listening completely, they feel acknowledged and valued.

2. Listen with empathy Regardless of how you would do things in their situation, it is important that you recognise that they are doing the best they can with the resources that they have.

3. Listen without interrupting Don’t ever finish a client’s sentence for them… ever. Let your client come to their own conclusions, even if you can see a “better” way.

LISTEN FOR PATTERNS Everyone does what they do because on some level it is working for them. Your job as a coach is to listen for these patterns in behaviour and choices.

1. Notice if they respond to certain events in a similar way, and share this with them.

2. Notice any beliefs that seem to recur.

3. Listen beyond the words to the meaning behind them…

Being careful to not make assumptions about what they could mean.

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LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT This is never about you. This is your client’s journey and it is important that you see it that way. Avoid reacting emotionally or with your opinions. This is not about you.

1. Notice if your heart rate goes up (You’ve just made it about you if it does).

2. Ask yourself “Who do you need to be to be there for your client 100%?”

LISTEN WITHOUT ASSUMPTIONS We miss what the client really means when we put their words through our own filter of assumptions. Assumptions are used all the time in the ‘real world’ to fast track communication, but in coaching this will derail the process of discovery for your client.

1. Don’t listen from your own experience Remove any beliefs you may have about how someone may make a choice or act.

2. Only repeat back what you hear, not what you think it means.

CLARIFYING To clear the space for the speaker we suspend judgement and opinion. Simply reflect back what you are hearing and sensing. By doing this we allow the speaker to fill the space with their truth.

Examples:  “What I’m hearing is frustration because you’re not getting the outcome you wanted. Is this right?”  “What I’m sensing is that you’re really clear about what you want to do, but unsure about how. Is that right?”  “What I’m seeing is confusion about the best choice to act on. Is that right?”

Remember this is about the speaker finding out for themselves what their truth is, rather than you giving them your answer.

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ACKNOWLEDGING True acknowledgement recognises the core of who the person is. It can help someone see what they may dismiss through lack of confidence or through humility.

By acknowledging a person’s strength you give the person power to access it.

One of the benefits of this is that in future the person will tap into that quality more readily, thus building the foundation for even more growth. Another benefit is that you have built rapport with someone effortlessly, thus fostering the relationship.

Examples:  “I admire the effort you put into that, Sarah. I can see it cost you a lot.”  “You sound really certain about how you want this to be. I love your clarity.”  “I can see you chose the hard path there, John. That must have been challenging and rewarding. Well done.”  Let the client acknowledge themselves Whilst it may be easy for us to acknowledge our client, sometimes the client may find it challenging to acknowledge themselves. It is a great idea at the end of a session to ask the client “How would you like to acknowledge yourself?”

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WHAT TO ACKNOWLEDGE:  Something the client has done  An achievement  A willingness to have a go  Who the client has become  New capabilities they are developing  A commitment they have stuck to  Living by a core value  An insight they share about themselves  A kindness they act on  Taking responsibility  A breakthrough  Pushing through fear  A strength they drew on  Courage  Humour  Their courage in revealing themselves to you  Allowing you to share their journey  Being willing to mess up

WHAT IT TAKES TO ACKNOWLEDGE PEOPLE 

Being willing to give it AND receive it

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Compassion

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Having a sense of wonder about the person in front of you

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Empathy

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Generosity

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Being genuine

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STEPS TO ACKNOWLEDGING There are two steps to acknowledging. The first step acknowledges the action, behaviour or choice the person makes. The second step is to acknowledge the values that the client is acting on, their humanity, or a part of them that demonstrates courage, compassion, passion or another virtue.

For example, a client goes from staying at home and lacking confidence to getting a part time job. This is how you might acknowledge them:

“TOM, I WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU. GETTING A PART TIME JOB IS SUCH A GREAT MOVE FOR YOU AND YOU DID IT, EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE SCARED. IT’S MORE THAN THAT, THOUGH. I WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE COURAGE I KNOW THIS DECISION TOOK. I ADMIRE THAT. WELL DONE”

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STEPS OF ACTIVE LISTENING

(BASED ON THE BOOK BY KERRY L. JOHNSON)

STEP 1: Value the speaker Your client may not be as articulate as you are. They may have many pauses and ‘um’s’. Let them find their way without interruption. They will love the space you are giving them. Resist finishing their sentence, or moving, which indicates impatience.

The more patient you are with your client, the less resistance they will experience to the coaching process.

STEP 2: Listen to what is not said Deletions and distortions are a part of what we say. We delete what we don’t believe or don’t value and we distort to uphold our view of self. If you practice listening to what is not said, or what is ‘between the lines’ you will hear much more in the conversation. An example of this:

Coach:

Can we look at that?

Client:

Yeeeeees…

WOW! WHAT ARE THEY REALLY SAYING? YES, BUT!

Coach:

Yes, but…?

Client:

I guess I’m scared…

Coach:

Okay, how would you like to do this?

Notice that by asking the last question, the client is empowered and is in the driver’s seat. By taking the time to notice the BUT, the client is able to reveal what the real deal is. Never be interested in glossing over, of in having a ‘well behaved’ client. You want the truth.

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STEP 3: Try to hear the truth Sometimes what the client says will be the truth. The coach may miss this and tune out, either because it seems way off track or because of a ‘blind spot’ the coach has and is not aware of.

To ensure that the coach focuses on everything that is said and do not make any ‘deletions’ of their own, ask a question about the statement made by the client...

For example, if the coach was deleting or distorting this might occur: Client:

This exploration isn’t working for me.

Coach:

But it’s going to become valuable.

If the coach was careful to check that no deleting or distorting occurred, a better response would be: Coach:

Hmmm…Tell me more…

Notice the difference? In the second example there is no attempt to justify or defend the status quo. The coach must go with what they hear, not what they believe is right.

STEP 4: Limit the time you speak This is especially true at the beginning of the session. By going into ‘listening mode’, the client will have a sense of familiarity about the session very quickly and this will fast track the rapport building.

Generally, it is good to make one observation or ask one question. Avoid making more than one comment or one question, or having a question run into another.

When we ask two questions, the client feels that the coach does not care enough to hear the answers and that the coach likes the sound of their own voice.

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STEP 5: Avoid planning what you will say in response to the client’s comments This is challenging for new coaches because the coach wants to look like they know what they are doing. What this does is ‘tunes out’ the client. On a subconscious level, the client will sense this. The coach may miss a crucial piece of information or a subtlety in the client’s voice.

Silence is okay! If the coach is not sure where to go – it is fine to allow silence for thinking. Another alternative is to put it back on the client:

‘Hmmm…what would you like to do with that thought?’

‘Where would you like to go with that?’

‘How can I assist you right now?’

STEP 6: Repeat your client’s comments This is about the coach ‘clarifying’ what they are hearing. Clarifying has two benefits. It allows the coach to check that what they have heard is actually what the client meant. Secondly it enables the client to feel valued.

STEP 7: Don’t take extensive notes Only make notes of key words or issues. The coach does not need a transcript of the session. Note taking is time consuming and is a distraction for the client. The coach is there to facilitate the process, not to get in the way of the process.

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SHARON PEARSON LISTENING SKILLS MANUAL Ultimate Coach Edition 1 | Version 1 | AUGUST 2017 Published by Global Success Institute Copyright 2017 © Global Success Institute All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical or electronic, including photocopying and recording, or by information storage and retrieval system without permission in writing from the publisher.

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