Best of DU 2015

The

Presents

BEST of DU

Where’s Boone?

Volume 6

MAY 18, 2015

Editor’s Note The Best School There Is The annual Best of DU magazine is the Clarion staff’s opportunity to address our ‘love’ vs. ‘love to see changed’ relationship with DU. It is a collection of our commentary on some of the greatest things on campus, along with some of the things that we think have the most room for improvement.

DU faces the constant challenge of developing its students into real, functioning humans while simultaneously providing them with opportunities that can turn into passions.

For many, like most of our Clarion staff, this passion turns into action and dedication.

For me, the Clarion is, and always has been, one of these passions—a true labor of love. But that love first came from DU; as I finish my fifth year and second degree here, I’m still inspired by this place. From the first dusting of snowfall every year and the beautiful blooms of spring to the words of passionate professors and activism of student groups, our campus is a truly amazing, thriving place.

Of course, that’s not to say there aren’t things I’d like to see changed. For example, I’d love to not have to scroll through a Facebook newsfeed filled with declarations of summer from friends at other schools while I slog along with midterms and finals. Still, as it is for so many others, this place is my home. It has made me who I am today, and I will always be grateful to it.

So while we may complain about too many lentils, not enough mascot, or far too annoying scooter traffic, we also applaud the beauty of our campus and the dedication of the people who live and work here. We love this school.

The Best of DU Magazine is a tradition celebrating May Days and summer, and has been distributed annually on campus since 2011. Written anonymously by Clarion staff, it is a compilation of individual opinions and is not designed to reflect the opinions of DU or its faculty, staff, or students. The opinions expressed here also do not necessarily reflect the views of the Clarion.

2015 Best of DU Contributors Lanna Giauque Editor Emeritus

Alex Johnson Editor Emeritus

Ashlyn Stewart Copy Editor

Katherine Gibson Design Manager

Nikki Frick Social Media Director

Maddy Meredith Contributing Writer

Carissa Cherpes Contributing Writer

Contributing Photographer

Evan Hicks Staff Cartoonist

Tony Borek Staff Cartoonist

CONNOR W. DAVIS JOHN POE

News Editor KELLSIE BRANNEN

Lifestyles Editor

COURTNEY LUSTER

Assistant Lifestyles Editor MADELINE ZANN

Entertainment Editor ADAM LUJAN

ASSISTANT Entertainment Editor

Lanna Giauque Editor-in-Chief, DU Clarion, 2014-2015

Julie Gunderson

ADRIAN BOGART

Opinions Editor

Editor-in-Chief

MEG MCINTYRE

Executive Editor

ANDREW MATRANGA

Faculty Advisor

ASHLYN STEWART

Copy Chief

KATHERINE GIBSON

Design Manager

JILLIAN QUERI

Sports Editor

GUSTO KUBIAK

Photography Editor

PAUL HEINEN

Web Editor

NIKKI FRICK

Social Media Director GAIN HAGENAU

Business Manager RODERICK O’DORSIO

Financial Manager

Contents 4 Places 8 Campus Life 16 Food 20 Crime Reports 24 Oh the Things We DU 30 Arts and Entertainment 36 People 38 Letter to the Editor 39 A Final Word

Places

Best First

JULIE GUNDERSON|CLARION

Espresso machines whir with a pleasant hum similar to that of jets on the runway.

Sunlight fills the room with the charm of an interrogation bulb. A constant clamber of footfalls provides mood music akin to a score of drum kits.

Young, industrious individuals plop themselves into the generic straight back chairs and open one of their many electronic devices. They are desperate to find a place they can study; it’s all too easy to lose their advanced social media standing if they miss even one opportunity to check their newsfeeds.

Can such an oasis be

Best Places to Hide from your Everybody attracts different types of people. For some of us, it tends to be the overlyattached “stalker” type. Maybe we’re too polite. Maybe something about us screams, “FOLLOW THEIR EVERY MOVE.” Either way, we know the strategies of avoiding somebody who’s crushing just a little too hard.

So, from all of us who have felt personally victimized by the TV series “Stalkers,” we present the best places at DU to hide:

1. The Library Basement

Out of ALL places at DU to hide, this is by far the best.

From individual study cubicles

that prevent the possibility of an unwanted “study buddy” to upperclassmen who are more than willing to shoot death glares at the slightest whisper, this place is a haven for alone time, especially when studying.

Bonus points if you throw a blanket over your study cubicle, blocking out all contact to the outside world.

2. With a friend

For most people, it’s intimidating enough to approach one person you’re crushing on. But approaching your crush who is also with a friend? Impossible.

Spot your pursuer already making his or her way towards you on the other end of Driscoll Bridge? Time to make

a new friend!

Just find somebody and pretend you know them—most people at DU are kind enough to continue a conversation, even if it’s weirdly out-of-the-blue.

Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet your new best friend.

3. With a significant other

One fateful February evening, one of our Clarion writers was texting someone we’ll call “John,” a guy who she had dated for a few months, and complained to him about excessive Facebook messages from one of her admirers. He calmly suggested she avoid confrontation by simply changing her relationship status to “In a relationship”...with John. She accepted

and they ended up dating for another few months, but in reality it was the first of many mistakes to be made in that relationship.

The point? Don’t start dating somebody in order to avoid a stalker. That said, if you ARE dating someone, it’s the most convenient method of avoiding a stalker or hard-core crusher.

Just don’t be that person who blurts out “I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP” to every person who will listen. That’s annoying.

4. Gym Locker Room

Possibly the worst kind of stalkers are gym stalkers. It could be a guy eyeballing you while lifting weights and grunting unnaturally. It could be the

5

Date Location: Jazzman’s Cafe found amid humdrum campus life? A perfect DU student sanctuary that will be sure to impress a first date? As many a DU student might say, “Is this real life?”

Well, intrepid reader, it is real life. Such a superb place does exist, and right in your backyard. The delightful venue in question is Jazzman’s Café, located within the Driscoll Student Center.

The aforementioned ambiance of this fine dining establishment is truly something special. It can be hard to find a spot with the right vibes for a first date between two college students – especially in Denver,

which simply does not have enough restaurants.

In addition to the restaurant’s aura, its delectable dishes will leave your date dumbfounded. Some of its highlights include microwave-your-own burritos, Rice Krispie treats completed with another obscure rainbow cereal, and crumbling baked goods. There are also hand-tossed, pre-packaged salads (because that combination totally makes sense) to nosh on, if you’re health-conscious.

The prices are reasonable: you can spend a few dollars on one bagel with one packet of cream cheese as opposed to a meal swipe for as many bagels

with as much cream cheese as you can possibly desire. Same goes for coffee and tea: you can spend a few bucks for a cup the size of your choosing as opposed to using the same aforementioned meal swipe to fill as many canisters as you want with a drink of your choosing.

Your date will surely be wowed by your generous usage of scarce meal plan cash, particularly if you have allowed the love to blossom throughout the quarter and haven’t taken her/him out until you are down to the perilous $19-level.

(If you’re no longer on a DU meal plan, good luck.)

The icing on the cake,

or perhaps the whip atop the smoothie, is that you can buy bottled drinks and pre-bagged snacks to share with your date for at least a 33 percent markup from your average grocer.

Don’t worry – you will receive 18 percent off the marked-up price if you use meal plan cash or flex!

Jazzman’s is open from 7:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Thursday, and from 7:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Fridays.

Unfortunately, the café is closed on the weekends. To accommodate this clearly rational business decision, consider “keeping it casual” and moving your date to a weekday.

Unwanted Admirer

girl who takes, of all open treadmills, the one right next to you and who sees your speed adjustments as a personal challenge.

Next time your bubble is undesirably popped, book it for the locker room. Somebody of the opposite gender will not be able to enter and somebody of the same gender will hopefully find it too uncomfortable to

continue a conversation.

5. The Fourth Floor of Sturm

Nobody, I repeat: NOBODY, willingly walks up those Sturm stairs if they don’t have to. So, as long as your admirer doesn’t have a class up there, roam the empty classrooms and hallways freely. It’s also conve-

nient if you want to escape an undesired chat, because even most varsity athletes cannot carry on a conversation while hauling themselves up those stairs.

Ultimately, you’ll have to talk it out with your admirer.

He or she may feel frustratingly friend-zoned, but it’s better than keeping his or her hopes

up through your entire college career. Worst case scenario, it is possible to block people on all forms of social media and block phone numbers from texting or calling.

You could also program a drone to shoot a water gun at your admirer every time he/she is within a 100-foot radius of you. Your choice.

Places

6

Best Places to Instagram Colorado is gorgeous. Our campus is gorgeous.

DU was basically designed for Instagram.

2. Sturm College of Law

Also sporting the spire theme, this building always looks awesome. It’s especially photogenic because it’s positioned perfectly next to the quad, so you can take pictures of it from a variety of angles without having to worry about an ugly foreground.

7. EVERYWHERE

With some creativity and the right lighting, even the ugliest parts of campus look beautiful compared to many other college campuses.

Just remember to take a moment to truly appreciate the natural beauty around you before you go Instagram-nuts.

1. Ritchie Center Golden Spire

Okay, we have a giant golden spire on our campus. You can see it from miles away. You can capture it juxtaposed to a beautiful sunset, lit up at night or even from a distance, poking up from the Denver skyline. If our Gryffindor-like school colors didn’t already do so, this will convince your non-DU friends that you’re attending Hogwarts.

5. Anderson Academic Commons

It’s recently renovated, is close to greenery and is also decorated with a fountain. It’s also fun for interpretive posing outside the nonsensical statues.

Places

7

m on Campus Still landscape-impaired? Try out some of these spots on campus for nearly fool-proof pictures.

4. Anywhere in the Lily Garden

Although this area is more photogenic during the warm months when the ponds are filled, the landscape design still lends itself to snow-filled tree pictures and grove-like paradise.

3. Anywhere with a View of the Mountains

There aren’t too many universities that can boast such easy access to mountains—capture a view of them from practically anywhere in Denver for the ultimate “I live in an amazing place” photo.

6. Washington Park

No, it’s not technically “on-campus,” but it’s really close. There are lakes, tennis courts, acres of green space, and a view of the mountains. It is perfect to not only show off the beautiful Denver landscape, but also to show off the recreation time you have without Friday classes.

All photos by Nikki Frick

Campus Life Best DU Stereotypes The Native Coloradan

The Midwesterner

The Californian/ Southerner

(contin

Can be spotted a mile away by her/his down jacket, hat, mittens, scarves and winter boots. It is still unknown whether s/he removes layers to shower or only washes hair and face until Spring arrives.

Won’t stop talking about how great the weather is while simultaneously bragging about how s/he has lived in polar tundra for 18 years of her/his life.

Hey, why are those girls sunbathing?

Because the sun came out.

But it’s 30 degrees outside! Are they crazy?

Sports a “Native” bumper sticker on water bottle, car, bike and laptop. Known to criticize any nonnative if s/he makes any note of Colorado’s beauty. Feels inherently superior to all other students.

No, they’re from Minnesota.

9

nued on next page)

Is a member of five clubs, captain of two club sports, consistently appears on the Dean’s List and the Hornbeck Scholar list, spends an entire year abroad, and will graduate a year early. Nobody really knows how s/he survives. Future CEO/ president/ Nobel Prize winner.

The Vegan Hippie

The Overachiever

The Self-Made Comedian Tries too hard at being sarcastic and laughs for far too long when something funny does happen. Brags about a Yik Yak score that was achieved by re-posting old jokes, but also criticizes anybody else who re-posts. Tells everybody to watch her/his improv show. Has Netflix for the sole purpose of watching stand-up and Seinfeld.

Wears combination of flowy yoga clothes and handmade objects.

Majoring in environmental science or intercultural global studies. Frequently complains about DU’s waste policies. Talks about how the body is a temple, but decides to pierce body with multiple metal studs and fill it with questionable smoked substances.

Best DU Ste (contin

Only owns Vineyard Vines DU apparel and shirts with greek letters across the front. Commonly says phrase, “Who do you know?� upon entering a room. Has pictures of himself chugging some type of alcohol as desktop background, which will inevitably end up on a projector during group presentations.

The Varsity Athlete

Always wears riding boots, leggings, a flannel shirt and vest.

Most consistent appearance on campus is the Friday morning post-party walk home. Gets easily upset when the Starbucks espresso machine is out of order.

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The Greek Life Dude

The Greek Life Girl

Campus Life

Refuses to travel anywhere without a taped-on ice pack protruding from body. Wears uniform 24/7 and travels in packs with others of same sport. Has some sort of tattoo dedicated to her/his sport.

Campus Life

11

The Closet Artist

The Artist Is always in a music/art building. Already embracing future life without money by not caring about appearance of clothes. Overlaps frequently with vegan hippie category.

The Clarion Writer

ereotypes nued)

Spends every Thursday night and Friday morning frantically writing stories and Monday nights in production meetings. Shamelessly plugs the Clarion Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages because we write cool stuff and want you to read it sometimes.

Has double major/minor in art or music. Also tries to define life with art by expressing self through clothing, but will likely end up in office job by the age of 25.

All illustrations by Tony Borek

12 Campus Life Best Smell on Campus: Nagel E As the newest dorm— and the one that bears the closest resemblance to the British-Wizarding school headquarters, Hogwarts— Nagel Residence Hall is often the first choice for second year on-campus living.

Nagel is not without its perks. The fourth and fifth floor suites contain kitchens, the first floor has its own laundry room, and, all over the building, residents have access to their own singleoccupancy locked rooms.

One of the best parts about living in the Nagel Residence Hall is unquestionably the dining hall elevator. For sake of convenience, this elevator goes from the bowels of the dining hall to the attic, and can fit 28 people at a time. Why this elevator is big enough to house a small Indonesian elephant, all of the members of the Sigma Chi fraternity, the leftovers from one meal

in the dining hall and all of vast collection of stains (some the former chancellors of DU growing mold) change and at the same time has, unfortu- evolve as the dirt accumulates along the floor. These stains nately, never been answered.

Though we at the Clarion have vaguely resembled cat have never personally seen puke, toddler diarrhea, and this many Mr. Chow’s people packed frozen egg into the elevarolls dipping tor, we have sauce—often “In a manner experienced all at once. reminiscent of Dr. more than our The Nagel Pepper, the occufair share of elevator has a pants of the Nagel unique smells unique ambiResidence Hall have inside that reence provided successfully found sult from its by the coma way to stink up heavy usage. post and trash the elevator in more In a manner receptacles than 28 flavors.” reminiscent on the dinof Dr. Peping hall floor per, the ocand the vents cupants of the from the Nagel Residence Hall have kitchen, allowing for memsuccessfully found a way to orable scent combinations stink up the elevator in more like “extra spicy Szechuan than 28 flavors. broccoli meets yesterday’s Additionally, the elevator expired yogurt disposal” or seems to be a continuation of “flowery perfume with cinsome Biology student’s end- namon and sandalwood unof-term lab project, because a dertones meets tuna salad

Other Finalists for “Best Smell on Campus” 1. The lint trap on a dryer in Halls 2. The rooms dedicated only to garbage in Halls and Towers 3. Any time anyone uses the dorm’s single floor kitchen 4. Free pizza at club meetings and speaker events (let’s face it, why else would you go?)

5. The car on the drive home from a long day of skiing

with extra mayonnaise.”

Yankee Candles could truly do some great business by utilizing these innovative scent combinations in its next product line, simply titled, “Elevator Stink.”

Plus, you can count on the elevator to not work at the most inopportune times: when you’re late for class, when you arrive on the ground level only to realize you forgot your paper, and–of course–when you have armfuls of new journals and textbooks to carry.

Additionally, the elevator has become a kind of uncanny matchmaker. When you enter the elevator and find an attractive member

Best Smell on The finest things in life are often free. The scintillating scent of Subway wafting throughout the Driscoll Student Center is one of those things.

There are a few distinct stages on the trudge from Nagel or Nelson or J-Mac to Sturm. There’s the trek in front of the Knoebel School past the frisbee-playing bros and guitar-playing hippies on the green, followed by the always-awkward walk across Driscoll Bridge, when you’re accosted by aggressive tablers, followed by the best part of the campus commute: the free smells wafting from Subway’s location in Driscoll Underground.

DU students were suddenly graced with the scintillating scents of bread baking and lettuce rotting when Subway, after many delays and postponements, opened its doors last year to the delight of all those whose noses appreciate a good sniff.

Campus Life

13

E levators of the opposite sex inside, it will undoubtedly stink to high heaven, and you both will shoot awkward glances at each other, as you question the other’s flatulence while simultaneously attempting to deny via eye contact that it was your own.

If this awkward scenario isn’t worthy of a Nicholas Sparks novel romance, then we’re not quite sure what is.

Overall, the Nagel Residence Hall is a great place to live. The in-house laundry, study, and relaxation rooms make it one of the best choices for on-campus living. Just make sure to pack a gas mask for the elevator along with your clothes and toiletries.

LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION

Campus Runner Up: Subway’s Rotting Lettuce Though we all miss The Pub, a sports-themed restaurant that formerly occupied that space in Driscoll, its smells could not compare to Subway.

The Pub served breakfast all day and decent curly fries, but neither of those offered olfactory alms to passersby.

Other campus eateries also run by Sodexo, such as Jazzman’s, lack the nasal allure of Subway. Do toasting bagels and mediocre coffee compare to luxurious bread?

Never. Does the high-pitched whirring of blenders add to the

sensation? Hardly. Additionally, the ambiguous, smooth jazz constantly blasting on speakers overloads the senses.

Though Nagel Hall’s dining area offers a different array of foods, its smells just don’t compare to Subway.

Ibis’s grievously over-fried, rubber-esque tofu cubes and oily sauces coupled with Salsa Rico’s day-old guac make for an interesting, albeit underwhelming scent experience when compared with Subway’s distinctive lettuce.

Truly, no scent compares

to the backside of Subway, which is partially open via a weird mesh-screen-thing to the Driscoll Underground, where students (and a certain student publication) come to study, and clubs come to meet and wage war by embarking on epic board game adventures.

After a long weekend of being closed or a power outage and fridge malfunction, the Driscoll Underground can become overwhelmed by a malodorous, funky stench that could make a New York City sewage worker blush.

So Pios, treat yo’self to a free smell and stroll past (or even into) Driscoll Underground’s Subway to enjoy a delight to both the taste buds and whatever biological entity smells smells.

Other contenders for runner-up for the best smell on campus this year included the horrid bro-stank of your stoner roommate trying to extract hash oil, the armpit on the Boone mascot costume, any Centennial Halls bathroom after a party and the smell of spring rain on a copper roof.

Campus Life

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Best Reason to be Late to Class Winner: Getting Einstein’s Normally, non-business majors have good reason to stay away from the marbleand brass-lined halls of DU’s prestigious Daniels College of Business (DCB), but as of last year, the commoners and plebeians of every other, lesser major now have a reason to enter the sanctum of commerce and industry: The Einstein Bros. bagel shop in DCB’s cafeteria.

This bagel joint is the best reason Pioneers have to be late to their classes. Despite the dirty looks from business students one might earn while entering DCB’s ivy-lined walls and selfcontained mini-campus, liberal arts and science-oriented Pioneers muster up the chutzpah to mosey into the Marcus Commons for a delightful bagel experience.

Whether one fancies living on the wild side with an everything bagel topped with garden veggie cream cheese or a cinnamon raisin with honey-walnut schmear, shoppers at Einstein’s are always in for a treat.

Einstein’s wide variety of bagels, which come with a hearty schmear of cream cheese and run less than $2, are all superior to those available at Jazzman’s and at the dining halls; instead

of the spongy, Wonderbreadlike bagels available at other Sodexo retailers, those at Einstein’s are freshbaked to perfection with a moist and warm interior and well-toasted exterior.

If you’re utterly and completely basic and searching for an option with less fat, fewer calories and

none of the good things that make life worth living, don your Uggs, Lululemons and North Face jacket and opt for a “thintastic” bagel, which is basically a bagel that has been gutted and has the look and feel of a cracker with schmear. They start at 160 calories, apparently.

Although some may have doubted the necessity of having a bagel shop on campus with Bruegger’s literally across the street from campus, it’s clear that students can shop at either Einstein’s or Brueggers for a different type of bagel experience. As DCB students are wont to remind us, if one lets the free market work, it often works just fine.

Pios can now thank Einsteins for being able to walk proudly late into Friday classes, bagel in hand, still wearing the haze and fog of the night before.

Best Reason to be Late to Class Runner Up: Scooter Traffic One would think that in order to stay in tip-top shape, DU’s elite athlete community would walk or bike to class like the rest of us Pioneer schmucks.

They do not, however: The privileged few (#1%, amiright?) ride on motor scooters, often making the arduous, almost Tolkensian journey from the Ritchie Center to Sturm and back.

The scooter traffic (and its

constant presence on campus) is the only other reason to be late to your DU classes.

DU athletes already get gear, green and orange water bottles (yes, other people know about those) and various perks, so the very least they can do is avoid scootering through puddles or directly in the way of people who have to use their legs to travel to class.

In fact, the scooter traffic and parking in bicycle areas

(please note, scooter riders, that bicycles and scooters are not the same thing) became such an issue this school year that the Department of Campus Safety began regulating scooters and issuing them special parking permits.

We can only hope that this is the first salvo in reining in the use of errant scooters by DU’s athletes, and–of course– the first step in helping us find other excuses to be late to class.

Campus Life

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Pioneer Problems: Best of Boone As we all know, our beloved mascot was banned from campus during the 2013-2014 school year.

Here’s some insight into what he’s been up to since then.

Ever since Boone got fired from his position as mascot at DU, he’s been trying to get his job back...

Unfortunately, we’ll only be seeing two more today. Elk and Jackalope, come back with me.

Are you kidding me!?

These guys can’t even talk!

Moo?

However, the competion has been steep...

I’m 21... look, here’s my I.D.

Hey man, can I get a beer?

No

Dude, I don’t care. I just don’t want to get you a beer.

Food

Best Way to Lose Weight: Be a Vegetarian The beginning, predictably, occurs right around the start of DU’s winter break.

Your parents’ fully stocked fridge, an unusual amount of free time and the combination of Thanksgiving and Christmas all often lead to the dreaded holiday weight gain. But this year, instead of slaving away on the treadmill and fighting the Resolutioner gym crowd, DU and Sodexo have partnered to create a diet plan especially for students!

Curious as you are, you might be wondering what the requirements of such a meal plan would be. Well, dear student, all you have to do is be a vegetarian, vegan, or have any kind of food intolerance for the diet

plan to work.

This diet plan is extremely accessible, is found in all the dining halls, and in fact may be your only choice for food (unless your roommates are food hoarders, in which case you can probably find some crumbs under their beds or in your shared mini-fridge). The plan’s guarantee ensures that vegetarians will lose at least five to 10 pounds, and a 50 percent reduction in body fat can be expected for anyone brave enough to try to stick to a vegan diet.

Throughout the mornings, Sodexo workers thoughtfully prepare the breakfast foods for eager students. These include bacon, sausage, sausage patties, oatmeal gloop, and more sausage. If you’re

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Pizza Pie Chart: Reasons We Loved Zaza’s

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a vegetarian, plan to eat this oatmeal for about a week.

After several weeks of hapless combinations, which might include oatmeal with maple syrup, oatmeal with peanut butter, oatmeal with honey and oatmeal with oatmeal, you might find yourself tiring of the stuff. Eventually, vegetarian students have no choice but to pretend to ignore the bits of gravel they find occasionally floating in the oatmeal, and must resort to choking down the glue-like consistency as one would in the earlier stages of life when our parents forced us to eat green baby food.

Not to worry—the Sodexo cafeteria manager has conducted several blind taste tests with dorm hall residents

to ensure that the oatmeal is marginally better in taste and texture than Fancy Feast: Tuna flavor. However, these taste tests are only repeated every few years, so no promises can be made on the oatmeal released this year.

Eventually, vegetarian/ vegan students can expect to become so repulsed by the sight of the oatmeal vat itself that they will resort to skipping breakfast. Calorie count for this meal, zero. One point for Sodexo, zero points for Fancy Feast.

But wait! By the time lunch rolls around (given you have the strength to haul yourself and 20 pounds of textbooks all the way from Sturm to Nelson on a measly bowl of oatmeal), Sodexo

Best Pizza Place Pizza is the mythical ambrosia of college dining: simultaneously cheap, filling, delicious and ubiquitous.

Even though pizza joints are all around DU, none could rival Zaza’s, which, to our shock, closed in late 2014 to be replaced by yet another sandwich joint.

Losing Zaza’s was as sudden as it was heartwrenching; one day students walked by and it was closed.

Though we might think our hearts are in pain over its loss, that feeling is really just the cholesterol from Zaza’s cheese leaving our collective

clogged veins. Frankly, those arteries are probably breathing a little easier with Zaza’s closure.

Without Zaza’s, however, University Boulevard takes another tumble down the road to irrelevance and oblivion; the one-block strip between Asbury and Evans seems more and more like a rundown street in Detroit as of late–dirty, increasingly sketchy, always busy with traffic and filled with retailers and emporiums nobody wants to actually visit, like a head shop, a tanning salon, a wretched pho restaurant and a

17

on a Sodexo Meal Plan ensures vegetarians/vegans a not get anxious that the lenvariety of healthy, accessible til will run out, because the options. However, if you same three options will appear for don’t feel every an immedisingle ate drop of lunch drool from “Best of luck to throughthe thought any vegetarian out the of lentil bits n’ bobs, you brave enough to next year.

If, in might just be face the literal fact, you out of luck. are a norInnovahunger games mal pertion is the at dinner.” son and Sodexo way, not a lenand this betil-fueled comes overaccountwhelming apparent as the same lentil ing-major robot, feel free to goop has often been repur- help yourself to hummus or posed in several exciting peanut butter sandwiches. To ways. This includes: bean truly provide good quality stew, lentil n’ bean soup, and spreads, the cafeteria displays lentil mush. Students need these, alongside jam, jelly,

and cream cheese, in giant, uncovered bowls that become some kind of hospice for the cafeteria fruit flies and gnats.

This is clearly an excellent and avant-garde manner of providing vegetarians and vegans with another kind of protein, albeit crunchier than most types of tofu.

Unfortunately, dinner doesn’t get much better. For those looking for a nutritious meal after lunch, this author suggests digging in the ground for ants outside of Nelson and Nagel halls.

As a last resort, maybe try tree bark. The only options for vegetarians inside after 2 p.m. are the salad bar, mac and cheese, and burritos. The vegetables in the salad bar are often some combination

of off-colored, moldy, and slimy by the end of the day.

On a scale that ranks the quality of mac and cheese from zero to your sweet granny’s homemade version, this one would register as a negative 100. And for anyone who even considers the burrito, remember the old adage: “they go in one end and explode out the other.” Best of luck to any vegetarian brave enough to face the literal hunger games at dinner.

The best part of this diet?

It’s cost effective, as Sodexo and DU have taken into consideration the inflated costs of college tuition and commonality of student loans. In fact, they’ve decided this meal plan can be yours for only $1,300 a year. Cheers to that!

We’ll Miss: Zaza’s few sleazy bars.

Increased vehicle traffic congestion and the loss of gems like Zaza’s and Jordan’s sour our taste for University Boulevard.

Of course, part of what makes us miss these places so much is the experiences they provided. For example, ordering any food at Zaza’s was an adventure in itself. When a customer walked in, one of the bevvy of men behind the counter would take the order and ring it up. If the order was pizza, an ancient, Hephaestuslike hobbit would take a slice from a pre-made pie and ardu-

ously slide it into the pizza oven using a wooden pizza paddle. Apparently they also had to light a wood-burning fire under the pizza oven every time someone placed an order, because the process of warming and plating even a single slice of pizza often took the better part of 15 minutes.

Of course, that is one of the reasons Zaza’s was so special; in that quarter of an hour, one could unwind from the stress of everyday life while enjoying one of Zaza’s alcoholic beverages, which included wine (and always made customers feel like

classy alcoholics).

Besides pizza, Zaza’s also served salads and pasta, both of which were good, and both of which could be delivered.

Ordering good food in your underwear from the comfort of your home or dorm? Check.

The loss of Zaza’s offers an opportunity to reflect.

Walking down University near dusk across fallen leaves, the tragedy of Zaza’s makes us think of the endless circle of life.

Some pizza places close down never to return, and some stay open for a lifetime.

And that’s okay. Some people

come in and out of our lives, and instead of worrying about when or if we might lose them, we should just enjoy our pizza.

Zaza’s was a diamond in the rough for the DU community. Students may be hard-pressed to find another locally-owned, clean, quality eatery near campus that has convenient hours and delivers.

In fact, it seems the only shining stars on the dreary street that is University Boulevard are now Nova Frozen Yogurt and Asbury Provisions.

Oh Zaza’s, we hardly knew ye.

Food

18

Best Unnecessary Restaurants Deli Zone: BLT Sandwich

Snarf’s: Italian Sandwich

It’s said that variety is the spice of life. In many cases this is true, unless the spice is garlic salt, which can stand on its own (and which you can never have too much of).

The culinary landscape of the DU neighborhood certainly doesn’t lack for variety; here, one can sample cuisines from many nationalities, styles, chains and chefs. Whether students seek Mexican food, breakfast food, pizza or Asian food, any taste or want can be satisfied. The most unnecessary genre of restaurants in our corner of the world, however, is sandwich joints, which have proliferated in the past few years.

This category of eatery has risen within a few blocks and a few miles of campus. Though they vary in style and appearance, the core of their menu contains something or somethings between two pieces of bread. The shops are ubiquitous: Fat Jack’s, Fat Shack, Potbelly, Jimmy John’s, Deli Zone, Snarf’s and the sultan of sandwiches, Subway.

The litany goes on and on.

The most heinous of this braintrust is Fat Shack, located in the crypt formerly known as Zaza’s on Evans Avenue.

The fare served here barely passes as food, and certainly not as sandwiches, though the unholy monstrosities are composed of technically edible items crammed between slices of bread.

By themselves, chicken fingers, french fries, onion rings, mozzarella sticks and honey mustard sound relatively appetizing. But put together, on a sandwich, you now have a veritable heart attack-on-a-bun called the “Fat Doobie.”

Other menu choices, such as the aptly-named “Fat Slob,” which entails cheesesteak, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, french fries, ketchup & mayo on a bun are literally certain to require an angioplasty or a visit to the ER. The only time that even considering Fat Shack is accept-

Subway: Spicy Italian Jimmy John’s #5: Vito

19

Near DU: Sandwich Joints able is after 2 a.m., since that is the only time the shop doesn’t look like a greasy ghost town. In the wee morning hours, we apparently forget about the warning given to us by straining, groaning couches, over-worked hearts and our moral compasses, all of which vigorously object to Fat Shack’s excuse for food.

While other sandwich shops sell food that actual human beings can eat, many of their menus are very similar. Is Jimmy John’s so different from Fat Jack’s? Does the community truly need this many places that serve the same thing? Apparently the market and the pockets of DU students keep these establishments in business, though we at the Clarion fail to see how.

Another issue is the proximity of these shops. Jimmy John’s, Subway and Fat Shack exist basically as neighbors on the bustling and shabby Evans Avenue; the three sandwich shops offer their wares within three hundred feet of one another. While we appreciate the choice and freedom to eat whatever we want, we’re baffled by the fact that these three cousins could co-exist side-by-side.

The proximity and volume of these establishments also begs the question: Why would customers spend money on something they could easily make at home? A sandwich is not a filet mignon, or a soufflé that takes skill and talent to make.

A sandwich could be made—nay, assembled—by a monkey, or even a fraternity brother, given the right ingredients.

So Pioneers, don’t support the Capitalist sandwich gluttons that are crowding our college and clogging our poor arteries–rather, save seven dollars and make a sandwich yourself. They’re made with better ingredients and are far, far better for you. And who knows, if you find yourself enjoying the process, there might even be a job in it for you somewhere.

Food

Fat Shack: Fat Doobie

Fat Jack’s #5: Giovanni Potbelly: Italian

Crime Reports Some of the best of the DU Crime Reports from this year, as selected by Clarion staff:

On Monday, September 1, 2014 at 3:40 p.m., DCS responded to a call regarding a toilet which had detached from a wall in Sturm Hall. Facilities was made aware of the situation.

On Thursday, September 4, 2014 at 1:43 p.m.,

DCS took a report from a student regarding the theft of their bicycle from a bike rack just outside of Johnson-McFarlane Hall. The student stated that they had only secured the front tire of the bike to the rack and that when they returned to retrieve it, only the tire remained.

On Thursday, September 4, 2014 at 2:38 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a vehicular collision in parking lot 302. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that they had

struck a garbage can while operating a university owned vehicle. There were no injuries to report.

On Sunday, September 7, 2014 at 2:25 a.m., DCS responded to a call regarding a fight in progress just outside of Nelson Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted three students who attempted to flee the scene on foot.

One student was apprehended.

Due to the student’s injuries, paramedics were called and transported the student to Denver Health for further care.

On Friday, September 12, 2014 at 1:30 a.m., DCS responded to a call from a student who stated that they had been assaulted by an unknown party while walking on the 2000 block of South University Boulevard. The student stated that the unk n o w n party ran up to them and struck them

several times in the face and that they were unsure of the reason for the attack.

DPD responded to the scene and took an additional report regarding the incident.

On Sunday, September 14, 2014 at 11:29 a.m., DCS responded to a call regarding vandalism to the Delta Delta Delta Sorority House. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted two students who stated that toilet paper and eggs had been used to vandalize the property overnight.

On Monday, September 15, 2014 at 3:38 a.m., DCS responded to a

call regarding an unaffiliated party who was sleeping in a shower inside of the Anderson Academic Commons.

Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted the party in question and determined that they had an active warrant for their arrest. DPD was called to the scene where they arrested the party in question and transported them to the Denver County Jail.

On Thursday, October 2, 2014 at 2:30 a.m., DCS responded to a request for assistance from the Denver Police Department (DPD) who stated that they had four students in their custody. Upon arrival at the scene, DCS officers spoke with DPD officers who stated that the four students had

climbed onto the roof of a business near campus and caused a disruption in electrical service. DPD further stated that a fifth student had been involved but that they had fled the scene. The four students on scene were all cited for trespassing and a warrant was issued for the arrest of the fifth student.

On Thursday, October 2, 2014 at 10:09 p.m., DCS responded to a call regarding the attempted robbery of a student in the Harper Humanities Gardens. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted the student in question and a group of seven unaffiliated parties. The student stated that one of the unaffiliated parties had tried to take their backpack from them. All seven unaffiliated parties were formally trespassed from campus.

On Sunday, October 5, 2014 at 2:43 a.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a water leak in Centennial Towers. Upon arrival at the scene, officers determined that the source of the leak was a shower in a residential room which was occupied by an intoxicated student.

Because Denver Cares was no longer providing transportation to their facility, DPD responded to the scene and transported the student to Denver Cares. Facilities was made aware of the leak.

21 On Thursday, October 9, 2014 at 8:00 p.m.,

during routine review of surveillance footage, a DCS officer observed two males entering the Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) fraternity house with two dangerous weapons. Officers responded to the scene and recovered the weapons which no residents claimed responsibility for.

On Friday, October 17, 2014 at 12:46 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding the theft of a university owned trailer from parking lot 118. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that the last time they had seen the trailer was on 10/13/14. The staff member further stated that there was approximately $2,000 worth of construction equipment on the trailer.

On Friday, October 17, 2014 at 6:05 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a suspicious male inspecting bicycles at a bike rack near Centennial Towers. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted the male in question and determined that they were a current student with a legitimate reason to be near the rack.

On Saturday, October 25, 2014 at 8:27 p.m., DCS responded to a call regarding plastic pellets being fired towards the Kappa Sigma Fraternity House. Upon

arrival at the scene, officers contacted the

On Wednesday, November 5, 2014 at 9:32 a.m.,

House Director w h o stated that the pellets were being fired the Lambda f r o m Chi Alpha house. Officers responded the Lambda Chi Alpha and confiscated two airsoft pellet guns, ammunition and carbon dioxide tanks used to power the pellet guns.

DCS responded to a call regarding a student directing traffic along East Evans Avenue. Upon arrival at the scene, officers determined that the student was putting themselves in danger by attempting to direct traffic and contacted the Denver Police Department (DPD) and Greek Life. DPD arrived on the scene and ordered the student to stop directing traffic.

Greek Life confirmed that the student was directing traffic as part of a hazing incident.

On Tuesday, October 28, 2014 at 11:32 a.m.,

On Friday, November 7, 2014 at 5:30 p.m.,

On Friday, October 31, 2014 at 7:54 p.m.,

On Saturday, November 8, 2014 at 7:44 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding the theft of various items from a refrigerator in the Sturm College of Law. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted two students who stated that over the past few months, several items have gone missing from the refrigerator. The students further stated that they’ve found several bottles of urine from an unknown source in the same refrigerator.

DCS responded to a call regarding the odor of marijuana emanating from a residential room in Johnson McFarlane Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted two students and confiscated marijuana, fireworks and alcohol from the room in question.

DCS responded to a call regarding suspicious activity in the Sturm College of Law. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a faculty member who stated that they believe an unknown party is entering their secured office and using their computer.

DCS responded to a call regarding two unknown individuals entering

the construction site at the Daniel Felix School of Engineering and Computer Science. Upon arrival at the scene, ofďŹ cers spoke with contractors who stated that there were several pieces of evidence indicating that the unknown parties had entered the site and attempted to operate heavy machinery.

On Sunday, November

9, 2014 at 1:11 a.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a physical altercation occurring near the corner of South Race Street and East Iliff Avenue. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted six students who stated that they had witnessed two unaffiliated parties fighting in the area. One of the students attempted to stop the fight and sustained minor injuries. The student in question was examined by paramedics and released.

Crime Reports On Wednesday, November 11, 2014 at 5:57 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a stop sign which had been badly damaged at the intersection of East Asbury Avenue and South Race Street.

Upon arrival at the scene, officers determined that the sign had been hit by a vehicle.

On Monday, November 17, 2014 at 3:08 p.m., DCS took a report from three Sodexo employees regarding threats made by a fourth Sodexo employee on 11/17/14. The fourth employee was told not to return to campus after the incident.

On Wednesday, November 19, 2014 at 2:19 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a possible mail box tampering incident in the University Place Apartments building. Upon arrival at the scene, officers spoke with HRE staff and one student.

A brief investigation of the incident was conducted and it was found that no mail box tampering had occurred.

On

Wednesday, November 19, 2014 at 11:30 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding vandalism in Nagel Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted HRE staff who stated that a ceiling tile had been intentionally damaged by an unknown party.

22 while on routine patrol, a DCS officer contacted an unaffiliated party who was sleeping in the Ritchie Center. The Denver Police Department (DPD) was called to the scene. The unaffiliated party was transported to Denver County Jail by DPD.

On Sunday, January 5, 2015 at 2:13 a.m.,

On Thursday, November 20, 2014 at 4:10 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a razor blade which had been found between two piano keys in the Newman Center for the Performing Arts. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a student who stated that they had found the blade while playing the piano in question but that they had not been injured by it. Officers searched all other pianos in the building and did not find any additional razor blades.

On Friday, November 21, 2014 at 12:23 p.m., DCS responded to a call regarding a blow torch which had been found in a residential room in Centennial Halls.

Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted HRE staff and confiscated the torch.

On Tuesday, November 25, 2014 at 11:13 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding an intoxicated student in Nagel Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted HRE staff who stated that the student had fled the building after pushing them. Officers were unable to locate the student.

On Monday, January 5, 2015 at 8:00 a.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding the theft of a personal laptop from a residential room in Centennial Halls.

Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a student who stated that they had left the computer in their unsecured room multiple times over the weekend and were not sure exactly when it was stolen.

On Monday, January 12, 2015 at 10:21 a.m.,

DCS and the Denver Fire Department (DFD) responded to a fire alarm at the Ridgeline Apartments Building. Upon arrival at the scene, officers and DFD officials determined that the alarm was false and was caused by an unknown person maliciously activating it.

On Wednesday, January 14, 2015

at 8:09 a.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding an unaffiliated party who has been sending suspicious e-mails to a faculty member.

On Saturday, January 17, 2015 at 10:31 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding marijuana and drug paraphernalia which had been found in a restroom in Centennial Halls. Upon arrival at the scene, officers took possession of the contraband and questioned one student suspect who denied having left the items in the restroom.

On Saturday, January 17, 2015 at 10:38 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a duffel bag full of

empty alcohol containers which had been found inside a restroom in Centennial Halls. Upon arrival at the scene, officers took possession of the containers and recycled them.

On Sunday, January 18, 2015 at 3:09 a.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding the attempted theft of a bicycle tire from JohnsonMcFarlane Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a student who stated that they had attempted to contact an unknown party who was carrying the tire in question.

The party in question fled the scene and dropped the tire. The tire was taken into custody by DCS officers for safekeeping.

On Monday, January 19, 2015 at 3:59 p.m., DCS staff theft hicle

took a report from a member regarding the of items from their vewhich was parked in lot E. Upon arrival at the scene, officers noted that an unknown person had cut open

Crime Reports

23 apartments building near campus. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a student who stated that their roommate, also a student, had attacked them due to an argument between the two.

DPD advised DCS that the student who was accused of assault had been arrested and transported to the Denver County Jail. the soft top of the vehicle in order to gain entry. The staff member was advised to file an additional report with DPD.

On Tuesday, January 20, 2015 at 1:02 a.m.,

DCS responded to a call from DPD regarding an aggravated assault which had occurred in the Vista Loft

On Tuesday, January 20, 2015 at 6:08 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a dispute between roommates in Centennial Towers. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted three students who stated that one of them had come home to find a knife

stabbed into their desk after the dispute. HRE was aware of the situation.

On Tuesday, January 27, 2015 at 5:38 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a vehicular collision in parking lot 124.

Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that they had backed the university owned vehicle they were driving into an electrical junction box. There were no injuries to report.

On Tuesday, February 3, 2015 at 10:18 p.m.,

DCS responded to a call regarding a domestic dispute between two students in Sturm Hall. Upon arrival at

the scene, officers contacted the students in question and called for Denver Police Department (DPD) assistance.

Both students were lectured and released by DPD.

On Sunday, February 15, 2015 at 1:39 a.m.,

DCS responded to Evans and High Street regarding a vehicle collision. Upon arrival, they met with the Denver Police Department (DPD) who stated that a DU student struck the Jerusalem’s restaurant while attempting to make a left turn at approximately 45 mph and ended up in the circle driveway of lot E. the DU student was arrested and charged with DUI and reckless driving.

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Oh the Things Best Complicated Site to Force Student Compliance: Orgsync Every year, wide-eyed students, filled with promise and the hope that they might change the world, decide to get together and form a club. Whether it’s a student alliance meant to celebrate diversity or a herd of vegans joining together for vegan reasons, people can achieve great things when organized.

Unfortunately, for any DU club to become “official,” it must wade through the festering, foul swamp of bureaucracy. And no bureaucratic tool is more heinous than Orgsync.

Orgsync is a website likely designed by Daedalus, creator of the labyrinth that held the minotaur of King Minos, himself; its intricacies and nuances require months of experience to navigate. At the center of this maze, however, one does not slay a minotaur; rather, one finds an increasingly complex and unnecessary mishmash of forms, requirements and useless data.

The worst thing about Orgsync, however, is that DU officials have made it a requirement for our very existence. In order to form any club or student group, one must comply to this dreadful website and all that comes with it.

Additionally, the site seems

to be constantly updating itself, so every time one logs on, the navigational buttons are in different places, tabs have different names and various content boxes are shuffled around.

Compound this with the fact that over 18 options of forms exist under the “forms” tab, and you’re guaranteed a headache.

These forms include the riveting and (evidently) essential “OrgConnect- Student Organization Newspaper Posting Information” form, the mind-numbingly banal “Purchase Order/ Vendor Payment/ Non-Funded Account Check Request Form” and the “Request for Outdoor Event Support” form. Apparently, all of these seem fundamental to the existence of a student org (to someone).

Also, by creating an account on the ghastly website, you sign yourself up for inordinate amounts of email spam under the guise of an email newsletter called “ORGCONNECT”–capitalization very intentional.

While the website might make the jobs of DU administration officials easier, it makes life for student organizations a nightmare. If your club is appropriated for $100 of student organization funding (which, by the

way, comes from a fund that all students are required to pay into), every cent that you spend needs to be accounted for, cataloged and then turned in to the Student Comptroller. Any money spent by a student org, say, on pizza for meetings or for travel to a conference or event, must be paid upfront by the students in the clubs (who obviously have extra money laying around after paying their tuition and student loans) before being reimbursed. The reimbursement process is often lengthy and cumbersome, and involves filling out multiple forms and knowing all manner of arcane numbers.

What’s my student org ID number? No clue. My non-funded account number? Beats me...

Orgsync takes the fun and the spark out of student organizations and campus life, replacing those elements of creative genius with bureaucratic ineptitude and requirements on leaders to punch numbers into a screen.

Being a part of a club at DU is a rewarding and enriching experience. Unfortunately, Orgsync taints that.

Orgsync is literally the worst, but if you want to be a part of any DU club or student organization, you’d better suck it up and comply. Or else.

Best First Our age is resplendent with marvels. We can make a phone call across the continent or across the world in no time at all. We can fling photos to all corners of the globe at lightning speed. We can access all the world’s knowledge at our fingertips.

All of these marvels, of course, are contingent on our bedeviled, underappreciated and unreliable PioneerNet working on DU’s campus.

Using PioneerNet is like being in an unstable relationship.

Sometimes, things are fine and the web works with its users.

Everyone is happy. Other times, one has two heart-pounding minutes before class to print something and the diva that is PioneerNet decides to take the day off.

A relationship with DU’s wifi is a love-hate relationship. We hate it all the time and love it when we graduate and move away.

We Pioneers are a little bit spoiled. Our campus buildings are coated in precious metals.

We live in the nation’s most beautiful state, are within driving distance of magnificent and mighty mountains and enjoy plenty of sunshine year-round.

We take engaging courses from

We DU

25

World Problem: PioneerNet Hey Joe, any idea what Steve’s doing?

expert professors and benefit from a world-class education.

All of this, however, hasn’t given us the patience or humility to deal with a slow internet connection or, heaven forbid, one that doesn’t work at all.

We really shouldn’t complain about PioneerNet. The fact that the worldwide web contains a wealth of information hitherto inconceivable to mankind is astonishing. It has revolutionized our understanding and how we inter-

Pioneer Net is down again, he’s offering himself as a sacrifice to the wifi gods

Oh, hey! It’s back up.

I guess I’d better check facebook..

act with the world. The fact that a Wikipedia page takes 15 extra seconds to load compared to one’s home computer isn’t astonishing.

In fact, all the complaining about PioneerNet brings to mind a scene from the timeless ‘90s comedy series “Friends,” wherein a pregnant and grumpy Phoebe Buffay compares a friend’s problem to one she faced. She said, “It’s not like that because [my problem] was an actual problem and yours is just, like,

a bunch of high school crap that nobody really cares about.” The problem of PioneerNet being slow is the latter.

PioneerNet being slow or completely dysfunctional isn’t a real problem in the world we Pioneers encounter. In a world plagued with enormous global problems and crippling issues in our own country, the minor problems we confront while accessing the Internet are just that—minor.

Additionally, can’t we just

use smart phones when PioneerNet is down or being slow?

The vast majority of DU students have phones capable of bypassing PioneerNet to access the exact same Internet, so why complain about a computer connection being slow?

Ultimately, although we can all agree that PioneerNet could function better, it’s not a real problem. Don’t even get us started on WebCentral, however.

Now that is a real problem.

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Oh the Things We DU

26

Best Way to be (Semi-)Voluntarily Held Hostage: Attend the Pioneer Summit For normal humans, Saturday and Sunday are a respite from the humdrum of everyday life. For the intrepid Pioneer nation, they serve as a respite from classes at DU. Saturdays, and weekends in general, are a time to spend lounging around dorms, skiing and shredding pow in the mountains, and recuperating from nights of parties and school work.

For DU’s bureaucratic Office of Student Life, however, Saturday, Oct. 11 seemed like a perfect day to schedule the 2014 P.E.A.K. Summit, an allday affair that student organization leaders were required to attend if they wanted to prevent their organization’s funding from disappearing.

Coercion seems to be the favorite tactic of this office, which also orchestrated the dastardly shift to Orgsync.

A full-day, mandatory

summit sponsored by DU couldn’t be all bad, right?

Surely during this squandered Saturday there would be engaging speakers, quality food, interesting breakout seminars and invaluable information for student leaders? Unfortunately, no such luck was had by the weary crowd held hostage at the P.E.A.K. seminar, which started in the wee hours of the day, just as the sun wiped the dew of morning from its eyes.

The summit began with a lively and pointless motivational speaker who identified himself as an “educator from the Denver area.” His message was the same hackneyed, trite message heard at any leadership conference or retreat, and was ignored immediately by this attendee. Was it some drivel about how each of us can make a real impact? Or perhaps something about community? Either way, most at-

tendees were sleeping by that point, so this speaker’s message mattered little.

After the keynote, the summit was filled with valuable breakout seminars that explained ways in which student orgs can comply to the rules forced upon them, including how to use Orgsync, how to navigate DU’s jumbled bureaucracy and jump administrative hurdles, and other key pearls of wisdom for student leaders.

In fact, the pointless and mandatory seminars lasted all afternoon for those unlucky enough to have to stick around until evening. As if Saturday morning itself weren’t bad enough, the organizers of this debacle also made our student compadres stay until dinner time. Instead of enjoying a glorious Colorado fall day skiing, hiking or experiencing life to the fullest, the P.E.A.K. attend-

ees spent their day cooped up in Driscoll–made all the more heinous by the fact that the Driscoll Ballroom is windowless.

The summit might be an affront to one’s dignity and humanity, but, hey, at least a free breakfast was provided.

Though breakfast and free coffee were the event’s main draw (aside from blatant coercion) the soirée was catered by Sodexo. As if waking up and trudging to Driscoll at 8 a.m. on a weekend weren’t terrible enough already, being greeted by a few slices of slimy dayold melon and a bite-sized bundle of cardboard-consistency cinnamon rolls made the event all worthwhile.

Frankly, the only breakout seminar that attendees seemed truly interested in being dragged to was the coffee seminar, which, sadly, was overly acidic and left uthembuzzed all day.

Okay, playing Michael Bublé Christmas music on the first day it snowed was fun. However, the music that blasts through all of campus is usually bearable at best. These are the highlights of the most aggravating:

and a massage chair. It’s probably cheaper than your subwoofer.

never driven know you’re ing about a you say you

high-school-aged boys that sing together. That doesn’t mean you can let their pre-pubescent voices float through the dorm hallways every night. That includes Backstreet Boys and NSYNC. Sorry.

Best Music To Blast Loudly

Skrillex

It’s one thing to play dubstep, but, from a distance, the highpitch scratches of Skrillex sound like the soundchild of a blender and a garbage disposal.

Bass-riddled Songs

If we can’t even hear words, it’s pretty clear you’re just making noise for the sake of making noise. There’s also a 90 percent chance that your next-door neighbor just started studying. If you’re insistent on feeling your music, invest in a pair of headphones

Anything Played During Quiet Hours

They’re designated as “quiet hours” for a reason—please respect that. If you really need loud music, find a house off-campus or a club to rock out. Again, headphones are essential to college life.

Rather Be by Clean Bandit feat. Jess Glynne

Yes, we know DU is wonderful, but we’d rather not hear a large group of girls screaming at us that they don’t want to be anywhere else. We get it.

Twangy Country Music

Yes, you like beer, but we really don’t think those singers are talking about PBR. We know you’ve

a tractor. We also not actually talkJohn Deere when have a big tractor.

Christmas Music for 10 of 12 Months in the Year

We’re suckers for Christmas music—it’s great, really. We just don’t want to hear it before Halloween or after New Year’s Day. It’s not that cold outside, baby; it’s Spring Break.

Senseless Rap

The thing about rap is...we still don’t know what they’re saying. All we hear is a mixture of swear words and sexual phrases and, quite frankly, it makes us uncomfortable.

Boy Bands

Okay, cool, you have a poster of

The Cup Song

It’s fun to play the Cup Song with your friends, but yelling/ screaming it is too much. The only thing worse than that is playing the overly-autotuned version of it through speakers. We all want to be in Pitch Perfect, but the Cup Song won’t get us there.

College is fun and music makes it better. Ultimately, listen to whatever makes you jive. Just remember: you may be all about that bass for the night, but we don’t want to hear about your booty a mile away.

Oh the Things We DU Pioneer Problems: Best Pickup Lines

27

Pick up lines can be challenging. Luckily, we go to a school whose abbreviated name is rife with opporutnity for those with creative and adventerous souls. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Hey, how you “DU”in?

Hey, how you “DU”in?

Ummm...

No.

So “DU” come here often?

Are you kidding me?

Heh heh, good one!

“DU”in pretty good, how about you?

Wow, I’d like to be “Pioneer” you..

Ew, gross

I think you’re pretty funny, here’s my number, call me sometime!

I think maybe I would have better luck with girls at another school...

See you around!

Oh the Things We DU

28

Best Underutilized Campus We are surrounded by resources that are free and cheap, but we have to remember (or be informed enough) to use them. Here are a few that you may have overlooked.

Free Daily Newspapers

Did you know that an “All-Access” subscription to the Denver Post costs about $285/ year? USA Today’s “First 12 month” special costs $275, and the New York Times rings in as high as $430 for a year.

As DU students, we have access to all of these for free. That’s, like, $990 in savings per year–but only if you read them every once in a while.

Sporting Events

All students at DU get in free to every regular DU sporting event (except hockey).

So even if all you know about lacrosse is that they use those netty stick things or the only thing you remember from your elementary school basketball team is that the goal is to get the ball in the basket, give spectating a try. You just might find something you love.

LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION

Health and Counseling Center

No one likes going to the doctor, but you’ll probably never be able to get healthcare that’s this cheap again. So take advantage of the knowledgeable and helpful doctors at the Health and Counseling Center–while you still can.

LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION

Free RTD Passes

Why waste gas and pay for parking when you already paid for an RTD pass with your student fees?

Between the lightrail and the city busses, you can get almost everywhere in Denver.

Plus, the time you won’t spend driving can be used to catch up on homework or some academic endeavour (or play Words With Friends and check Facebook. Either way).

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Resources

Oh the Things We DU

The Library Who needs Netflix or RedBox when you have hundreds of movies, documentaries and TV shows at your fingertips in the Penrose Library– for free?! Actually using library resources could save you big bucks. Or at least enough to buy some Ben & Jerry’s during finals week.

Before you stuff your face with SNL-themed deliciousness, though, why not bring along that big paper and/or math problem you’ve been working on?

The library offers a Writing Center with students trained to help you make your writing better AND a math center to help you get all your math questions answered. Oh, and did we mention that those are free too?

While you’re at it, try moving from the oh-so-reliable Google Scholar to the library’s extensive network of academic (and very impressive to professors) online sources. The price? Nada. You’re welcome.

Grant Money

We can’t make emphasize this point enough: if you can figure out a legitimate research project to do over the summer (including ones abroad) and you can find a faculty member who will support you, DU just might award you $3,500 through the Partners in Scholarship (or PinS) grant program.

That’s a lot of money, people.

Already have summer plans? You

Celebrate your Graduation in Style Host your party in Fireside, Denver’s premier outdoor venue! Open year round, Fireside is a chic and urban setting with roaring fire pits and festive market lights.

Perfect to celebrate any occasion!

Perfect Occasions.

Flawlessly Orchestrated.

303.253.3092 can still apply for up to $1,500 for research completed during the academic year.

Then, after you complete your research, you can apply for an additional $1,000 to travel to a conference to pres-

www.jwmarriottdenver.com ent what you found. These grants are competitive, so you can’t slack off on the applications. However, let us say this again: if you put in the work, DU could pay for you to travel.

Arts and Ente

Best Clarion Bloopers from We–the staff of the Clarion–pour our blood, sweat and tears into the Clarion every week, and we do our very best to ensure that we uphold very high standards of professionalism and accuracy in the paper. Sometimes, however, things just don’t go as planned. Whether we facepalm or blush when we look back and see errors we somehow (through up to eight rounds of editing) managed to miss, they give us all something to chuckle about.

Best Re-used Cutout Image: The Marijuana Leaf This marijuana leaf gave us a lot of trouble the first time we got it ready to use, so the next time we had a story about pot, we just couldn’t bring ourelves to repeat the process.

Or the next time.

Or the time after that.

Apparently.

Feb. 11, 2015

April 16, 2014

Jan. 15, 2014 May 21, 2014

ertainment

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2013-2015

Best Quote in Recent Memory: The One about Squirrels

Best Clarion Typo: President Who?

April 30, 2013 Conveniently, this story about the on-campus arboretum upgrading from plastic to metal signs might also qualify as one of our most newsworthy, hard-hitting stories in recent memory.

Best “How Did We Miss That?!” Moment Jan. 22, 2014

Sometimes we have forgivable typos, and sometimes we have egregious typos. This was an unfortunate instance of the latter.

Oct. 23, 2013

We often use “X” or “Y” as a placeholder when laying out the paper. Sometimes we finish the paper at 3 a.m. the night it has to go to the printer, and we forget to change those placeholders.

This was one of those times.

Arts and Entertainment

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Best Season to Enjoy Colo Spring

Spring is one of the under-rated seasons in Colorado, but it still rocks. Snow in the mountains usually remains through most of Spring, and there aren’t as many tourists on the resorts, which means you might get some of the runs to yourself. Once the snow starts melting, the rivers bloat, which means extreme whitewater rafting and kayaking.

Meanwhile, away from the mountains, you get a breath of new life and start to warm up from winter.

Increasing warmth and new greenery will make all of the pain of icy roads worth it.

Fall

No matter what part of the country you’re from, Fall is a wonderful and alluring season.

Colorado’s Fall, as we all know, is absolutely splendid. Beautiful colors, mountains and crisp temperatures combine to create the perfect flannel-shirt season, and you can always pile up some leaves on campus to re-create your childhood leaf-jumping days.

Plus, with Colorado’s typical weather diva flare, most days are still warm enough (away from the mountains) to take advantage of many of Colorado’s Summer activities with no concerns about getting overheated.

KATHERINE GIBSON|CLARION

KATHERINE GIBSON|CLARION

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Arts and Entertainment

rado: All of Them Summer

The mountains are great covered in snow, but they’re also fun to explore without snow. You can hike, rock climb, backpack, camp, horseback ride and mountain bike. Off the mountains, you can fly fish, whitewater raft, and view the beautiful wildflowers. It gets a bit hot at times, but who can complain about dry heat? It’s still possible to wear jeans when it’s 70 degrees. The Denver area also boasts excellent brew fests and music festivals in addition to events at the Red Rocks Amphitheater.

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Winter

What is Colorado without some fun winter activities? We have easy access to some of the best ski resorts in the world. Snowboarders and skiers would kill to spend time in Colorado, and we get to live here the entire resort season.

Want to appreciate the season but don’t want to risk breaking limbs in the process? Try snowshoeing or crosscountry skiing for a less daunting approach to view the mountains. Outdoor ice skating is also prime, with locations around Denver as well as at ski resorts.

Finally, Colorado offers excellent opportunities for ice climbing—adrenalinepumping fun with unique intricacies.

KELLSIE BRANNEN|CLARION The best part of Colorado winter is that it’s actually pretty mild outside of the mountains. That means you can go up to the mountains on the weekends to get the ice and snow activities, but come back to Denver for more comfortable temperatures during the week. Anybody who has experienced Northern winters also understands that dry cold is a blessing (imagine having cold water particles freeze to your skin—brr).

Arts and Entertainment

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Best Art Installation on 1

First Place: The BeyondCreepy Gawker Guy

Location: Cable Center

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Second Place: The Terrifying Red Man and His Pig

Location: Art Building

LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION Because who doesn’t like being completely psyched out literally every time they walk past the Cable Center?

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Third Place: The Mini Stonehenge Tribute

Location: Science Complex LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION This guy has it all: a giant pig over his shoulders, a haircut that’s sure to please and a red that’s only matched by fire hydrants.

What more could you ask for?

LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION The benches are the perfect size for the plethora of elementaryaged children who visit campus

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Campus

Arts and Entertainment 4

Fourth Place: The Talking Lips

Location: Ritchie Center

1

4 2

LANNA GIAUQUE|CLARION Nothing says “relax” after a hard workout like having the bench you’re sitting on start talking to you.

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Fifth Place: The Trippy Box Sculpture

Location: Carnegie Green

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Is it a square? Is it a circle? There’s just no way of knowing.

People

Best Staff Member We’ll Remember: Bob Yablans The Clarion is not an island. Our newspaper relies on the hard work, concerted effort and care of many people in the DU community. One of those people was Bob Yablans, who passed away in March.

Whether he was answering a question about our temperamental server, telling us how to recycle old monitors, fielding our panicked and late-night production night calls, or simply being one of our number one supporters, Bob never let us down. In fact, he was so committed to the Clarion that he put in several hours of overtime to save us from having to completely shut down our operations–not once or twice, but countless times over the course of several months. For his selfless service to the paper we love and his long career of making DU a brighter and better place, we name him the Best DU Staff Member.

Bob worked for a decade and a half at DU; most of his career here was spent in the Department of Media, Film, and Journalism Studies, where he was the head of engineering. Bob later moved on to UTS where he served as the senior research support specialist for University Technology Services. From our own experiences with him, we can attest to the fact that he was an expert in DU’s technology operations, and never hesitated to help a colleague, student, or group in need.

Bob had a sincere dedication to and love for his job that is challenging to find in today’s working world, and he never let the bureaucracy or frustrations of working in a University setting (with lots of grumpy technology-challenged people) faze him. He was able to think creatively to solve the problems people brought before him daily, and he was able to do it while making everyone around him feel good.

Nothing quite brightens a lackluster day like a happy person, and Bob, who never failed to bring his brilliant mind and ever-present smile with him, consistently brightened the days of innumerable members of the DU community. Bob knew how to put people at ease; his sense of humor, joy and contentment with life was contagious to anyone who had the pleasure of spending even five minutes with him. He had a heart of gold.

While much of the Best of DU Magazine pokes fun at our university, the publication is designed to make us reflect on the culture and the shared experience of the Pioneer community. And in this category, we are sincere: Bob Yablans was truly one of the Best of DU. PHOTO COURTESY OF MFJS

Best Underappreciated Group: RAs Though they get a bad reputation because they have to report drunken freshmen and people lighting up in their residence hall rooms, resident assistants (RAs) are the most underappreciated group on DU’s campus. While nobody appreciates the heavy hand of discipline, RAs are so much more than disciplinarians; they provide friendship and counsel to students and, in some instances, literally save people’s lives.

Another key role of the RA is to help transform freshmen into real adults--not only by making them follow common sense rules and policies, but also by helping them transition into life in the real world. Though their programs and

floor/hall socials might be extraordinarily lame and cliché, the fact that RAs, who are also involved with clubs and taking classes, take the time and effort to plan events for their floor shows an exceptional level of commitment. And what do RAs get as a grateful reward for doing their job? Oftentimes, their residents may resent or even show open disdain for their RA. RAs work tirelessly to create a sense of community in their hall or their floor. In addition to holding events for residents, they meet one-on-one with folks to understand their challenges and how best to serve their community. Who else on campus is that invested in fellow Pioneers and

in the well-being of students?

We’re in college. Every person who didn’t live under a rock or in Towers their freshman year knows that, sometimes, festivities can get out of hand. And as long as partygoers are being safe and smart, everything is usually fine. Except when it isn’t.

Many students stumble back to their doorms dangerously intoxicated, and their fearless RAs are their first line of defence against some seriously concerning welfare situations. While spending a night in detox or in a hospital might not be the best culmination of a night out, those students who live to tell about the experience ought to be grateful an RA found them and took care of them.

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RAs are not only the first responders in emergency situations, but also in all the hullabaloo that happens in residence halls. Those who are are assigned to Centennial Halls or Johnson-MacFarlane Hall have to deal with the consequences of taking care of freshmen, including copious amounts of vomit, inordinate amounts of drama and cleaning up broken glass and trashed furniture.

Although serving as an RA is often a thankless job, the benefits do outweigh the risks. Despite having to discipline drinkers and smokers, and despite having to work in an often less-than-friendly atmosphere, the work done by RAs to acclimate students to DU and welcome them to campus is truly rewarding.

Best Badass Professor: Nancy Wadsworth While discussing race, religion and politics in everyday life is frowned upon in most social circles, one DU professor delves into these issues every day.

Whether she’s teaching the contrasts between Locke and Hobbes in a first-year introduction class or passionately informing a class about the political changes in the evangelical community (they’ve swung right, don’t ya know?) since the 1970s, political science Professor Nancy Wadsworth is in her element in the classroom.

At the same time she was instructing classes, conducting research and living her life outside the copper-laden walls of DU, Wadsworth managed to chair the John Evans Study Committee; this demonstrates her ability to educate students while handling important issues like the legacy of DU’s founder and his involvement in the Sand Creek Massacre of 1864.

Wadsworth is also unique as a professor inasmuch that she

excels at teaching both high-level fostering positive discussion while theoretical courses to upperclass- also lecturing when necessary.

Students be forewarned: Wadmen as well as getting down in the trenches of FSEM and introductory sworth tolerates none of your popfreshmen courses (the latter some- pycock. If she calls on a student, times including over 70 students). s/he best have an answer. If a student speaks If you up and says thought explainsomething outing that “bruise” rageous, they on your neck to your parents will be asked was hard, imagto check their ine the Sisyphfacts or premise. Wadsworth ean challenge of teaching Plato’s forces students to think out“Allegory of the Cave” to a lecside the box ture hall of hunand to speak gover, unshowon their feet, a valuable life ered freshmen.

Some proskill for people who will need fessors allow to interact with their classrooms COURTESY OF NANCY WADSWORTH other humans to descend into the chaos and don’t reign in their in the real world.

Her badassery notwithstandstudents. Others lecture for 110 minutes without a peep of discus- ing, Wadsworth is also a serision or student input. Wadsworth ous academic. She’s authored a strikes a balance between both, book of her own and co-edited

another on one of her focus areas of expertise: Religion and American politics. She’s also well-versed in the politics of race, gender, social movements and political thought/philosophy.

While first-year students may start their quarter unaware of things like the plight of indigenous peoples, the intersectionality of race and religion and how this dynamic helps in the formation of identity and the hegemonic power structures inherent in their privilege and gender, Wadsworth will surely let her froshies know, and everyone else, too, for that matter. Her vocabulary is as dense as the average DU frat bro.

Her bravery in tackling FSEM and introductory courses, while also managing to be a top-notch academic and a genuinely cool person makes Nancy Wadsworth DU’s most badass professor.

So check your privilege at the classroom door and sign up for a class (or three) with Wadsworth–you won’t regret it.

Letter to the Editor

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Best First Hockey Game Winner: Carissa Cherpes I remember watching three giants skate across the ice towards me. I remember hearing the loud boom of their bodies hitting the pane of glass inches from my face.

Mostly, I remember the pain that came after that same pane of glass popped out of place and slammed into me.

I am not a huge sports fan.

I never developed the passion for sports most Americans seem to have encoded in their genetic makeup.

However, this year I decided to give the whole sports thing a try. After all, students are constantly reminded that DU has the “best sports program without a football team six out of the last seven years.”

Just to prove how dedicated I was going to be, I participated in the hockey campout, where the only highlight was when the hockey team gave us donuts in the morning.

Before I knew it, it was time for the first hockey game. A huge group of us planned ahead and we were able to get front row seats.

The seats were lined with spirit gear, namely these

sticks with red and gold became the violence. After streamers attached to them. someone assured me that yes, That night, the student sec- slamming into other playtion became cheerleaders as ers was allowed, I would we waved our pompoms in get excited whenever I saw the air, screaming at the top two players heading for the of our lungs. glass. Because I was in the No one had warned me front row, I got used to backabout the student chants. Sure, ing away whenever players I expected some name call- slammed into the glass near ing and insults to be thrown my seat. It seemed like the around, but nothing could entire wall would shake, and have prepared me for what the every slam would fill the stustudent secdent section with tion had in adrenaline. store. I am Naturally, not saying I when the three “As far as first objected to hockey players hockey games the chants; were heading for go, I think I the second the pane of glass I heard a directly in front win.” chant start, of me, I backed up I would a few inches, but loudly parstill screamed and ticipate. cheered as loudly as I could.

Soon, I was caught up in The players slammed into the the rush that swept through glass, but instead of bouncing the student section. I was right back up, it seemed that yelling and screaming just as they were falling towards me. much as everyone else. Even It sounds cliché to say it the guy who spilled beer on happened all so fast, but one me could not ruin my mood. second I was cheering and the Who would have ever guessed next I had an incredible pain that I had no idea what was spreading through my chest. going on?

I blinked hard and realized My favorite part quickly that the pane of glass that was

designed to protect us had popped out of place and the corner had slammed into my chest. How ironic.

After I realized what had happened, chaos ensued.

DU officials were asking my friends and me if we were alright, I was worried about my friends and if they were hurt, students were screaming, and the hockey game was halted until the glass could be put back into place.

Just as quickly as it happened, the hysteria surrounding the incident died down.

People stopped asking if we were okay and everyone’s attention turned back to the game. The glass was put back into place and DU would ultimately win the game.

It was not until I got back to my room and my adrenaline dissipated before I realized just how badly my chest hurt. For two weeks afterwards, I would have a lovely bruise to remind me just how painful my first hockey game was. I was still hooked, and continued to go to every game I could. But as far as first hockey games go, I think I win.

Best First Hockey Game Runner Up: “Dave”

A Final Word

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Best DU Catchphrase: The Struggle is Real A final thought from all of us at the Clarion to you

It’s a reality we face: our privilege gives us pain.

With all the problems we have, it’s amazing we stay sane.

There is one phrase, superior to all, That allows DU students to sum up the problems that befall Our exceptionally privileged population And leave us suffering great agitation.

It won’t be breaking news when I reveal That, by golly, folks, the DU struggle is real.

Our struggle is real when our elevators are slow, Forcing us to actually tow Our mass of belongings up stair after stair To enter a dorm room that has clean air And running water, security and electricity.

You’re certainly right: it is really a pity.

Our struggle is real when there’s nowhere to park And we must walk quite a ways from where we disembark.

There’s never a good spot for our precious vehicle, And walking three blocks is simply unbelievable.

To make matters worse, our new BMWs are left out in the cold (How could we be expected to have cars a few years old?).

Our struggle is real when our homework arrives Some of us are so stressed that we break out in hives Read 100 pages, write five more?

That professor is so demanding we might as well roar!

The workload is crushing, simply unfair The opportunity of education is too much to bear.

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Our struggle is real when the cafeteria is closed We all know our needs ought to be met unopposed!

We are all more important than the employees who have lives And want to go home to see their own children and wives After a long day of serving droves of bumbling DU kids Who dump much of their effort into the vats under trashcan lids.

Our struggle is real when we walk across campus in the winter Because, by some great misfortune, we must go to the library for the printer.

Or perhaps we have to catch Up with a dear friend who is about to retch From the alcoholic frenzy of the night prior And ruin her recently acquired Northface attire.

Our struggle is real when our finals near, And, all of a sudden, everyone strives to appear As though they have studied for the last ten weeks And reaches out to the friends they call “geeks.”

The weight of procrastination is flabbergasting, failure as foreign as Mars.

How could this happen to us? The kids who have always been stars— From little league soccer to our stunning class rank.

We deserve better; we have money in the bank.

Why yes, DU, our struggle is so real Let us band together, and complain with such zeal That we drown out the issues that ought to have our attention Like poverty and hunger, or racism and oppression.

Our problems are the greatest of all of mankind.

Maybe it’s time we all up and resigned.

Cover Design By Evan Hicks