7 minute read
Honouring Your Father and Mother as they Age
by David Haberstock
“Honour your father and your mother.” – Exodus 20:12
My parents are with the Lord. I am an “orphan,” so to speak. But their legacy lives on. I have been greatly blessed by them. They imparted a great heritage of faith to me by Word and deed. They brought me to the waters of Baptism, the pure fount of the Scriptures, the Table of our Lord, and taught me to turn from wrong and choose the right. The Lord used them in my life to bless me richly—materially and spiritually. Some years ago when I discovered that my father in Edmonton was not doing well, my wife and I (and my daughter) wanted to return that blessing by serving and honouring him as best we could.
Others will have different stories; I don’t have room in this article to talk about how to honour a parent who was abusive, for example. But mine is the story of honouring an aging parent who was an excellent father.
It was the midst of the pandemic and life was limited. If my dad had gone into care, very few in the family would have been able to see him. But due to those limitations I was also able to consider moving to Edmonton to move in with and take care of my dad. Most people do not have this luxury, but as a Regional Pastor who worked from a home office, during a time when travel was limited, and not having a pulpit I regularly had to fill, I was granted permission to work in a deployed fashion from outside of the Region I serve. When I asked Lutheran Church–Canada President Timothy Teuscher if this would be possible, I committed to travel into the Region for a week once a month (at my own cost) in order to tend to items in the Region as restrictions allowed. (My wife was in university at the time but due to the pandemic her studies had moved online.)
When I was gone, that meant my wife and twelve-year old daughter had to take care of my dad, each other, and their schooling by themselves. Suffice it to say, I was extremely blessed to have a compassionate and long-suffering wife, a gracious employer, a gung-ho daughter, supportive siblings, and the blessing of the Lord to make all of this happen. It was also a blessing to my siblings in Edmonton, who had been tending to my father for years as his health declined.
My wife had professional experience with personal care, the medical system, and people with multiple diagnoses. As a pastor, I had learned to navigate the health system, going into every aspect of hospitals and nursing homes and seeing my parishioners in every circumstance of life. So we knew how to navigate things even when the medical system seemed like it was throwing up road block after road block, and we were able to take advantage of every possible support the system provided to help us keep him at home.
I share this personal story not to brag nor to guilt anyone else whose life circumstance did not allow similar choices, but rather as an example of service to one’s aging parent as the Lord allows. For the Fourth Commandment enjoins us not merely to love our parents (as we are to love all people), but also to honour them. Martin Luther notes in the Large Catechism that to honour our parents entails three things: 1) that they be held above all things as the most precious treasure on earth; 2) that we speak modestly and not harshly or defiantly towards them; and 3) that:
We must show them such honour also by works, that is, with our body and possessions. We must serve them, help them, and provide for them when they are old, sick, infirm, or poor. We must do all this not only gladly, but with humility and reverence, as doing it before God [Ephesians 6:6-7]. (LC I.111).
This is a tall order for anyone, and one that can be further complicated depending on your own circumstances. As noted above, my story is not one that included abuse. But even in the best of circumstances, a lifetime of interactions with your parents and the sins both of you have committed against each other complicates honouring them. Nevertheless, if we value God’s will and Word then we must honour our parents and their commands as next to God’s own majesty—so long as their commands are subordinated to God and His commands (LC I.116). And Luther notes that, as a result of the high office God has given our parents, even their failings are not to deprive them of the honour due this office (LC I.108).
Now, God does say to parents that they are not to exasperate their children (Ephesians 6:4). This is a common failing of parents, especially as their children mature into adulthood. Parents sometimes have expectations of their children which are impossible to meet. This sort of exasperation can drive a wedge between parent and child. But this is where Luther’s admonition hits us between the eyes: “parents,” he says, “are not to be deprived of their honour because of their conduct or failings” (LC I.108).
It is tough. And this is where repentance and our Lord’s forgiveness are so precious. Caring for aging parents can take many years. And as the years drag on, their decline increases, your energies flag, and your patience grows thin, we are often tempted to dishonour them and be short with them. It is easy in the midst of exhaustion and sadness to lose your cool with your beloved parent, let alone an estranged parent. If you are going through this—or if you still suffer the guilt or shame of past incidents—seek the Lord’s strengthening and cleansing by taking such sins to the Lord through your pastor and receiving Christ’s absolution for them!
The very ones who nurtured us as infants sometimes end up needing similar care from us. That is something to grieve—to grieve the impacts of sin, decay, and age on those we love, respect, and honour. Give yourself the time and grace to grieve the loss of who your parent was to you. But there is great joy in humbly serving your loved one. In such a moment my dad asked how could I stand doing such things for him, and I couldn’t help but think of the thousands of times he done similarly for me as a child. It was humbling and difficult, but it is a memory I cherish to be able to have served him in that way.
My grief for my father has been surprisingly uncomplicated. And I credit that to the great gift I was given in being able to take care of him. But for those who have been watching their parents decline for years; who are slowly grieving the loss of their parents one piece at a time, and not all at once; whose own tiredness and exhaustion is mounting, it is hard to honour our parents. It is a constant temptation to be short or angry with a parent whose mind is going and who has asked the same question for the hundredth time.
So, as this commandment enjoins you to honour an aging parent, let it not merely guide you but also point you back to Christ who died for sin and cleanses you from its stain. For we cracked pots are not given to be perfect, but to shine forth with Christ’s glory through His grace and mercy to us (2 Corinthians 4:7). He honoured His Father by going to the cross; our faltering honour of our own parents is covered by His fulfillment of the command on our behalf.
