BQ3 | Psychology + Lifestyle

the b. quarterly

the b. quarterly

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all the ways in which we b.ehave

Lucy Webb, MA (Cantab) Jennifer Fergesen, BA Crescentia Mathews, MA

P H O T O G R A P H Y & A R T

Dudarev Mikhail, Verlen, Fermata, Leila Fugii, Roman Tiche, Alexey Brin, Alexey Borodin, Nomad Soul, Elena Nichizhenova, Ray Can, Aniko G Enderle, Melinda Fawver, Oksana Kuzmina, Vera Kuttelvaserova, Jacob Lund, Art Jafara, Alexey Borodin, lchum Pitaz, Soup Studio, Fotolia, Bigstock Photo.

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P s y c h o l o g y + L i f e s t y l e BQ3

FOUNDER & EDITOR IN CHIEF

Dr. Baharak Sedigh, PsyD, MA DrB@TheBQuarterly.com

SENIOR CORRESPONDENTS

Dominique McGhee . Houston | TX DominiqueMcGhee@TheBQuarterly.com Cynthia Malone, BA . Kansas City | MO CynthiaMalone@TheBQuarterly.com

CONTRIBUTING EDITORS

Daniel Sher, MA Paula H. Cookson, LCSW

S E N I O R W R I T E R S

M.K. Angeles GinaMarie Guarino, LMHC

COLUMNIST

Dr. Colleen Mullen, PsyD, LMFT

CONTRIBUTORS

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Seas o ns, tren ds, eras, an d g o ver nments co me an d g o, but peop le stay.

Even traditio ns, cultures an d re lig io ns co me an d g o, but peop le stay.

We often g et lo st in the details, the daily ro utines w e've co me to mistakenly see as rig ht or wro ng , better or w or se . Lo st behin d tit les, f la g s, tea ms, an d be lief sy stems that al l ultimate ly try to s o lve o ne sing le human dilemma: L I F E .

W hen 30,000 y ear s a g o a human decided to make a print of a han d o n a cave w al l , to beco me the Chauvet-Po nt-d'Arc Cave , he did not know that o ne day another human w o uld lo o k at that han dprint o n a smar tp ho ne in a w or ld ab s o lute ly unrecog niz ab le to him--y et , she w o uld easily an d immediate ly recog nize her se lf in the shape an d form of that han d . One human to another... s o me 30,000 y ear s in the making! Many species, eras, cultures, an d traditio ns betw een them co mp lete ly irre levant .

The truth that co mes fro m that co mmo nality is the ultimate univer sal lang ua g e w e al l un der stan d . That truth is the ar t an d knowledg e w e pro duce , in al l its forms.

But that sa me recog nitio n , that g ives us co mfor t in sharing a co mmo n existence , has to then p lay o ut as the recog nitio n that informs us of o ur shor tco ming s tow ards ea ch other. An d w e , Ho mo Sapiens, have shor tco ming s 'a p lenty!

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Than kful ly the very nature of evo lutio n is imperfectio n , like a chal leng e presented to thin k bey o n d . An d s o, w e are al l chal leng ed to fa ce o ur own ver sio n of dar kness, an d to fa ce up to o ur own w eaknesses an d failures. Altho ug h , it's not abo ut perfectio n . It's abo ut evo lutio n . It's abo ut approximatio n .

It's abo ut w asting less, lo ving more , leaving spa ce for other s to live . It's abo ut passing knowledg e alo ng. It's abo ut no o ne dying of hung er. It's abo ut taking care of children already here . It's abo ut opening do or s.

It's abo ut opening min ds. It's abo ut seeing o ur se lves ref lected in ....al l the w ay s in w hich w e b. ehave!

Dr. B.

Baharak Sedigh, PsyD, MA

by

D a n i e l S h e r 8

CONSCIOUS CA P I TA L I S M T h e U n co n s c i o u s S i d e o f Co n s c i o u s C a p i t a l i s m It’s the 1970’s in Austin and a college dropout called John Mackey has an interesting idea. He wants to make money whilst also making the world a better place. Is this even possible? Isn’t it true that capitalists are cut-throat businesspeople who care little for others or the environment? Mackey wants to prove that this need not be the case, so he joins forces with his girlfriend and together they open a natural foods store, dedicated to supplying nourishing, healthy, and ethically sourced food to their customers.

Now, fast-forward several decades. Have you ever heard of Whole Foods? That’s John’s baby.

He now has shorter hair, wears a suit, and is the CEO of a supermarket chain that takes pride in stocking natural, healthy food that is free from unhealthy additives. Mackey’s idea – that it’s possible to do good while making money, not instead of it – represents an interesting economic model, known as conscious capitalism.

Conscious capitalism refers to the simple idea that businesses, companies, and corporations should be ethically-minded, working toward the betterment of society and the planet.

P h o t o b y Ve r l e n

This idea has become incredibly popular in recent times, succeeding in capturing the minds, hearts, and wallets of millions.

Whole Foods, for example, has been commended for being socially and environmentally responsible in their business operations. They are also known to treat their employees incredibly well by reducing the income gap between lower and higher-level employees. As a result, they are listed by Fortune Magazine as one of the top 100 companies to work for.

Another example of conscious capitalism is Panera Bread: a food chain that provides reduced-price meals to those who might not otherwise be able to afford to eat there.

Another example, The Body Shop has demonstrated a commitment to uplifting the social and economic conditions of their suppliers in third world countries.

Why is conscious capitalism becoming especially popular now? Why is it that people today care so much more about the impact of their spending? Why are we (at least a large number of us) now more inclined to put our dollars where our hearts are? To better understand why the psyche of our society has suddenly become so receptive to conscious capitalism, we need to consider two recent developments.

On the one hand, millennials are becoming increasingly aware of the fact that they have been royally screwed over (pardon the bluntness). In the States, people born during the 80s and 90s have now inherited a society often characterized by a problematic health-care system, bank bail-outs, massive student loans, poor interest rates, and limited prospects of ever owning a home.

With this, consumerism is finally getting a bad name. The human desire to endlessly spend and own was once seen as a positive attribute: a patriotic act to help support the economy.

Today, consumerism is more aligned with environmental degradation and global warming, a massive waste of resources, increasing levels of inequality, personal greed, irresponsibility, and even selfishness.

So where does this leave us? Millennials today feel somewhat disillusioned, and increasingly critical of conspicuous consumption. Despite this, we are all, inevitably and unavoidably, consumers ourselves. We’ve plunged into a state of cognitive dissonance and this creates a gut-wrenching emotion that continues to motivate so much of our behavior: guilt.

How do we cope with this feeling? The same way that so many of us manage unhappiness: often by spending.

Conscious capitalism represents an ingenious marketing strategy, specifically tailored to meet the unique psychological and emotional needs of a newly growing consumer base. It works so well because it makes a lot of money for some, whilst at least doing something environmentally positive, and rescuing consumers from the painful realization that we are in fact consumers, despite our knowledge of the negative effects of this way of life.

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Thanks to conscious capitalism, when you shop at stores that give something back to the community, in essence you’re buying not only a physical product but also your own moral redemption! You’re essentially killing two birds with one stone: getting that much needed cup of coffee whilst also killing off those pesky pangs of unconscious guilt. Does this mean that conscious capitalism is evil, exploitative, and not really serving the interests of our people and planet? Not quite. It is not all bad. But, it is also not all good.

Supporting a company that chooses to do some good is better than supporting a company that does no good, but this can also trick us into feeling ok about being complicit with a system that is not doing enough to rectify the problems brought about by endless consumerism in the first place. In other words, we are choosing to simply give an extra meal to a person in need rather than focusing our energy changing the system that allows poverty to exist at all. This does not mean that conscious capitalism is all bad. Although, conscious capitalism has its darker side, we cannot deny that this approach has made positive changes to the day-to-day existence of many people around the world.

So, do not let a critique such as this one stop you from shopping at places that seek to do more good than harm! But, if you’re buying into this movement, make sure you do so thoughtfully and mindfully; i.e. with consciousness and conscience. It would be highly ironic if we all championed conscious capitalism whilst remaining unconscious to the darker side of our own endless global consumerism of buying things we do not really need, or sometimes even want!

Daniel Sher M.A. is a Clinical Psychologist registered with the Health Professions Council of South Africa. Currently, he is a Community Service Clinical Psychologist with the Western Cape Department of Health. He lives in Cape Town.

i like to wal k down Bond Street, thinking of all the things ii don't desire!

LOGAN PEARSALL SMITH

Photo by Soup Studio

HELPING CHILDREN by

g r i e v e

Crescentia Mathews 12

Loss and Death are painful experiences we cannot hide and shield our children from.

Helping them learn to cope with these emotions is our responsibility as parents and caregivers.

The experience of grief and loss of a loved one can be heart wrenching and a difficult moment in one’s life. Grief stirs up a whole new whirlwind of emotions where you alternate between denial, anger, frustration, and despair. These emotions can be very hard to comprehend and process for young children.

Helping them develop healthy coping skills, and allowing them to experience grief and loss will enable them to be more attuned to empathy and their own emotions thus leading them to become better balanced individuals.

With social media and television capturing much of our children’s time, it is all the more important that we explain the concept of grief to our children because “Death and Loss” are portrayed falsely in many children’s movies and cartoons, distorting their perception of loss and grief.

Although pain is pain, children process grief very differently than do adults.

They may be aware that something upsetting has happened but they may not fully understand the situation or know how to cope with it.

Here are some ways children react to grief and loss:

Extreme Display of Emotions

One moment the child may be very sad and the next completely detached and devoid of emotions. Mood swings. Getting very upset over something small. These are ways children sometimes process the pain and hurt from the loss. They may also become over sensitive and cry for every small thing.

Becoming Clingy

The child may be too scared to let go of the parent and may want to cling on to them at all times in order to feel secure amongst the chaos of grief.

Regressive Behavior

The child may display regressive behaviors as bed-wetting, thumb sucking, wanting to be held and rocked, wanting to sleep in the parent’s bed etc. These behaviors help them find security and control in the midst of grief and sorrow.

Situations like the death of a loved one or pet, relocation of one’s school or home, witnessing of natural disasters, the witnessing of physical or mental abuse etc. are examples of situations when a child faces a sense of loss, grief, and trauma.

Your reaction to the situation goes a long way in determining how your child will handle the loss.

Being Truthful - Expressing your grief with honesty (without exaggerated drama) will help your child understand that it is ok to be sad sometimes.

Children can see through their parents’ behavior, though they are very young.

Putting on a brave face even though you are falling apart can send mixed signals to your child, confusing them and

indicating to them that it is not ok to express grief. Not being truthful about the situation and talking about the loss in “Goody-goody terms” will obscure your child’s perception of loss.

“He/she is gone on a faraway trip or has fallen asleep for a long time“ or such explanations are confusing statements to a child.

Being direct and giving a clear explanation of death using terms like died or are dead and will not be with us hereafter is important for a child to hear.

Of course, using appropriate language, staying away from frightful explanations is important. But, it is also important to be truthful and not give “false hope” to a child who needs and has the right to grieve the loss they are experiencing in their own unique way.

As a parent, it is but natural for you to want to shield your child from the whirlwind of emotions. But, it is also important for them to see your human side. There is a time to be brave and a time to mourn. Crying and mourning is a powerful way to express one’s grief.

Mourning will help your child to reach out to his/her emotional side and know that it is okay to grieve.

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Patience - Being very patient with a child who is having severe emotional tantrums can be very helpful. It is understandable that you as a parent may be going through a tough time processing the grief yourself and may feel drained by the emotional display. But, your patience at this point makes a huge difference in your child’s life. Being firm and loving at this phase will help your child more, rather than ignoring or giving into their behavior.

Physical touch plays a great role in calming children at these times. Your child is your baby no matter how old they are, holding them close, hugging them often, rocking them etc. are ways you can help them heal and heal yourself too.

Identify Self-Blame - Correct your child immediately when they begin to take the blame for the loss. Let them know that they are loved and in no way, have caused the grieving situation.

Grieving is a very different process for children, they may be sad one time and smiling and laughing the other. Explain to them that it is ok and that they are not offending anyone with their behavior when they smile or laugh.

There are many ways you can help a child find closure to the loss that has happened.

Helping them find c losure - Attending the person’s funeral is one way to let the child find closure.

- Letting the child pick the dress or a photograph for the funeral or say something about the person during the ceremony is another way you can help your child.

- Talking about happy memories about the deceased individual also helps in the grieving process.

- Writing a letter to the loved one or lighting candles in their memory can also be a useful thing to do.

- Seek help if you need to, there is no shame in that. Sometimes, a child needs

someone outside of their close circle, who understands their grief without being part of it, to help them process and verbalize their feelings without guilt and shame that often exists in close relationships.

Some days may be very hard and it will be difficult to pull through, nevertheless, continue to move forward taking one step and one day at a time. Remember time is a great healer, and you will eventually be able to fill that hole in your heart.

Photo by Nomad Soul

T H E I N S A N I T Y o f F O O D WA S T E

by J ennifer Ferg eson 16

T h e P s y c h o l o g y o f Fo o d Wa s t e

One-third of the world's total food supply goes to waste. It's an oft-repeated statistic, but it never loses its teeth. In visual terms, that's the equivalent of bringing home three shopping bags from the supermarket and immediately shoving one in the garbage can. Tossing out good food that you paid for strays far from most psychologists’ concept of rational behavior, and yet most of us, ostensibly rational people, do it every day. To find the root cause of food waste, we have to look deep into the psychology of the average consumer, and the cultural norms around this seemingly accepted behavior.

Waste is a "farm-to-fork" problem; food gets lost at every step of the winding path it takes to your dinner table. It starts on the fields, where up to a quarter of fruits and vegetables are left to rot because they don't fit supermarkets' stringent aesthetic requirements: they might be too large or small, too lumpy, or not quite the right color. While some of this rejected produce is now being "rescued" for progressive projects such as sustainable juice bars or subscription boxes, most supermarket buyers remain unconvinced of the average shopper's taste for "ugly fruit."

The buyers have the research to back up this stance: numerous studies suggest that consumers have a deeply ingrained bias for pretty food. In one famous experiment from the 1970s, participants enjoyed a hearty meal of steak and fries under special filtered lights, but immediately lost their appetites when normal lighting revealed the steak to be dyed green and the fries blue. A more recent study in the journal Appetite found that participants preferred the taste of precisely-plated food to the same exact food in a more simple presentation. So, it makes financial sense for supermarkets to refuse greenish cauliflowers or lumpy eggplants, even if they're otherwise good to eat. We "taste first with our eyes," as the saying goes, and most consumers don't have the patience to see the beautiful fruit behind the bumpy skin.

Most of these rejected fruits are perfectly good to eat.

Smaller ethnic mom & pop grocery stores have known this for some time. Subscription boxes and mainstream consumers are also catching on. If you ever shop from these sources of uglier fruit, you will notice that the prices tend to be significantly lower than at mainstream supermarkets. These venues keep their prices low by buying the produce that the supermarkets reject. By buying this non-perfect-but-perfect-in-their-own-wayproduce, instead of the supermarkets' ideal specimen,

you'll not only save money but will also help cut down on some of the food waste in the world.

Also, there is something more deeply ingrained going on here as well. Since the early twentieth century, a massive, fully-stocked refrigerator has been a defining staple of the successful American home. There's no wonder that we dislike the sight of an empty fridge, as the National Resources Defense Council's Save the Food campaign found in 2016. Consumers may be so fixated on the image of a full fridge — eggs, milk, and butter all gleaming in the incandescent light — that they buy too much in an effort to stuff their shelves. The desire to stock up may also be linked to a compensatory drive to plan for contingencies, which psychologists have identified in excessive amounts among so-called "doomsday preppers" who squirrel away months of supplies in an effort to survive a world-shattering disaster. You may not consider yourself a "prepper," but who hasn't bought an extra loaf of bread when the weather report calls for a blizzard or a flood?

Unfortunately, not even your top-of-the-line Frigidaire will stop that loaf from eventually growing fur, if you cannot get to it fast enough!

In societies that adopted refrigeration more recently, consumers tend to be better at avoiding waste caused by overstocking. In China, for example, much of the older generation still do their shopping daily, buying directly from farmers at local wet markets and rarely picking up more than a day's worth of ingredients. This practice stems from the days before refrigerators, when fresh food would often spoil if kept for much longer than a day.

Even if you can't make it to the market every day, you can emulate pre-fridge shoppers by planning your meals for the week and only buying enough ingredients to make those dishes.

So, what are we doing about it? A 2015 study on Americans' attitudes around food waste revealed that people feel less guilty about putting food into the compost pile than they do about throwing it in the trash.

Sure, a composted bag of salad leaves produces less methane than the same leaves in a landďŹ ll, but in a world currently home to nearly 800 million hungry people, composted food is still wasted food as far as they are concerned! Your compost pile also does not negate the fossil fuels, fertilizer, and other pollutants involved in producing your greens and beans. To be fair, people who compost their leftovers probably do realize this.

Composting serves as a virtuous behavior that can alleviate some guilty feelings, and leaves less of a footprint than the same wasted food not composted.

There are also traditional agricultural practices that you can use to reduce waste: fermentation and pickling are 18

great (and stylish) options. If you ďŹ nd yourself with more fruits and vegetables than you can consume, try preserving them the old-fashioned way. Surplus fruit makes for delicious jams and compotes, and nearly any vegetable can be fermented into piquant kimchee. You'll have a versatile condiment that can last for months, while reducing food waste in your home.

Reducing food waste is a behavioral change.

While organizations such as the UN's Save Food Initiative and the National Resources Defense Council in the US have uncovered plenty of solid statistics about food waste, researchers are just beginning to look into the issue through the lens of behavioral psychology. The most comprehensive study came out this year in the journal of Resources, Conservation & Recycling. This study came to this conclusion: in the end, making people feel guilty about food waste does not work.

Participants in the study who experienced positive emotions about saving food, rather than negative emotions about wasting food, ended up wasting less.

You can apply these ďŹ ndings to your own behavior.

Enjoy the small actions that go into maintaining a wastefree household. Have fun working leftovers into new, creative dishes. Take pride in your ability to ferment and preserve produce like your ancestors. Buy the ugly fruit from smaller businesses and subscription boxes. If you do it right, reducing food waste can make you feel not only more rational but also happier and healthier.

P h o t o by L e i l a Fu g i i

We are trashing our land to grow food that no one eats.

TRISTRAM STUART

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REDEFINING beauty in PRODUCE

Q&A wit h Anneliese Atwell

a t IMPERFECT PRODUCE Their name says imperfect....

....but we think this is the perfect way to get your produce delivered to your door, at a lower cost than the prettier produce at the local store, while reducing food waste. Win Win for everyone. We came across IMPERFECT PRODUCE as we researched what could be done, one simple behavior change, something we could all do to have a positive impact in our lives and reduce senseless food waste. And, Imperfect Produce is having such impact. We got to ask Anneliese Atwell, Director of Brand Experience, a few questions about their start and their mission of getting people to love ugly produce!

Ron had spent decades working in the produce supply world, most recently working for the California Association of Food Banks. The CAFB had tasked him with developing Farm to Family; it's now a very successful program that sources 125 million pounds a year of "seconds" or "ugly produce" to the food banks within the state of California. Through this work Ron had built out a supply chain of 70 to 80 California growers and had been sourcing a large amount of produce but he realized that the quantities that he was getting to food banks were still a drop in the bucket compared to the amount that was going to waste on the farm. Ben, Ben, and Ron realized that together they could make a big

Food Waste is clearly a global problem we must face, but what inspired this idea of getting 'ugly' produce to customers directly?

As a college student, our CEO Ben Simon noticed that a lot of food was going to waste in the cafeteria at the University of Maryland. To address this issue, he founded the Food Recovery Network, a nonprofit dedicated to preventing waste on college campuses across the country. Since its founding, the FRN has expanded to over 180 colleges and universities.

Ben Simon then met co-founder Ben Chesler during his work at with the FRN. During a trip to California in 2015, Ben and Ben met Chief Supply Officer Ron Clark.

L to R: Ron Clark, Ben Simon, Ben Chesler

impact on the amount of produce that goes to waste every year by sourcing “ugly� produce directly from farms and delivering it at a discount to customers’ homes.

They joined forces and founded Imperfect on August 8th, 2015, with the vision of finding a home for the billions of lbs of produce that goes to waste every year.

What would you say is the biggest psychological obstacle in getting people to go for the 'ugly' produce?

People are conditioned to see uniform, perfectlooking produce in the grocery store but once they realize how much food is needlessly wasted every year because of minor cosmetic quirks they open their minds pretty quickly.

Honestly the most common feedback we get from customers about the appearance of our produce is "Hey! This isn't even ugly at all!"

The reality is that for cooking at home, appearance couldn't matter less. Folks get won over by the cost savings, the convenience, and the waste reduction and then they look back and realize how silly worrying about appearance was in the first place.

Once we've made it clear that we're not sourcing rotten or moldy produce and are helping make a positive impact on the environment, folks are won over, either by the cost savings, the convenience or both!

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REDEFINING beauty in PRODUCE What has been the impact of Imperfect Produce on lower income families in the areas you serve?

We make healthy fruits and vegetables more accessible by passing on a significant (30-50%) savings to all of our customers. For many folks in lower income areas, this makes something like organic produce a realistic part of their lives instead of something that they can only get by spending a lot of time and money at a specialty grocery store, which may not even exist in their neighborhood.

We also offer a reduced cost box which is 30% cheaper than our standard box for all those who qualify for food stamps/Calfresh/EBT/ SNAP. The convenience of delivery also helps make fresh fruits and vegetables more accessible.

By offering produce delivered, we’re able to make shopping more affordable and less stressful for busy working families. Less time in the car means more time cooking!

Since Food Waste is a farm to table issue, how is this impacting the farmers you work with?

Imperfect supports farmers economically by helping them sell more of their produce. They are investing their time, money, and soil in growing produce for people to eat, and we help them get more out of this investment. We help provide a fair market price for the produce that otherwise would have been written off as a loss or even cost them money to send to a landfill!

REDEFINING beauty in PRODUCE Is this possibly one of the easiest and fastest ways to reduce food waste ~ basically if we could collectively change our psychology about what produce looks like?!

Absolutely! Food waste is literally the low-hanging fruit of environmentalism. We have more than enough food and resources to feed everyone in the US and beyond. So an easy way to fight hunger and help the environment is by wasting less food. Wasting food is a sign that our agricultural system is not working efficiently or logically. Everyone should have access to fresh fruits and vegetables. We have the supply, the problem is just the distribution, and that's what we are working on at Imperfect. By using everything that our farmers grow, even the "ugly," fruits and vegetables, we can feed more people with less land, fossil fuels, and water. Everyone from the farmer to the consumer to the planet wins in the end when we waste less food.

You are expanding into a new area...Chicago. What is next for Imperfect Produce?

We’re really excited to have expanded to 4 new cities (LA, Bay Area, Portland, Seattle & Chicago) and kept 10 million pounds of produce from going to waste to date in 2017. In 2018, we hope to expand delivery to more neighborhoods around the cities we currently deliver to, serve nearby cities like San Diego and Sacramento, and also expand to new metro areas. We really hope to deliver ugly produce nationwide one day so that we can be recovering billions rather than just millions of pounds of ugly produce.

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CAPTURE time

photography by BILLY BY

BillyBy.com

.

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A NIGHT at

LE BERNARDIN

by

Cy nthia Malo n e

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LE BERNARDIN When you set the mental bar high for

something, in anticipation, you can sometimes be disappointed. I am almost certain that will never be the case at Chef Eric Ripert’s restaurant in Midtown Manhattan, Le Bernardin.

It’s not just dinner, it’s an experience. Chef Ripert and his entire staff ensure that every guest is taken care of with hospitable service and impeccable cuisine. When I left Le Bernardin I was truly on Cloud 9.

It’s easy for anyone not accustomed to such fine-dining to feel intimidated by the space.

From the minimal décor to the wood paneled walls. The waiters in jackets gliding around the dining room ever present but never bothersome; it could all be a little nervewracking. But it isn’t. Chef Ripert takes food seriously but not the experience. He wants his guests to be comfortable, and the service showcases that.

The waiters knew what I needed before I did and each detail, big and small, was executed flawlessly with zero pretension. Every part of this experience was planned with care and their timing was an art in and of itself. We sat for dinner and were immediately greeted, given the wine list and the evening’s amuse-bouche. Our waiter, a young man with a smile as wide as a branzino, was as charming as one could be. The Chef’s Tasting Menu was our choice and with a nod of approval, he vanished and another waiter took his place to bring us our wine. A quiet orchestra was being performed all around us; a symphony of flavors and movement composed behind the doors of the kitchen.

Chef Ripert began his journey at Le Bernardin in 1991. Along with his co-founder, Gilbert, who was the brother of Maguy Le Coze who opened Le Bernardin in Paris, in 1972. In 1995, Chef Ripert earned a four-star rating from the New York Times and in 2015, for the fifth consecutive time, Le Bernardin earned those four stars again-they are the only restaurant to maintain this superior status for this length of time without ever losing a star. In 2013, Maguy was the first woman to be honored with the James Beard Award for “Outstanding Restauranteur” and with her experience and keen eye; it’s no wonder she has reached such great heights in her career.

Aldo Sohm Wine Bar was opened in 2014 by the duo, a chic space named for their sommelier and wine director, Aldo Sohm, who is just as impressive in his own right. We had the pleasure of having a pre-dinner glass of wine and it exceeded expectations I didn’t know I had. The knowledge of the staff was outstanding and the selection was refined yet eclectic. If you come across a 2016 Sigalas Assyrtiko Santorini- a white wine from Greece-do yourself and your dinner guests a favor and indulge. It’s full bodied like a Sancerre but exudes volcanic island.

I could write a novel when it comes to the exquisite menu but it would never do it justice.

The Filet Mignon-Kampachi Ostera Caviar Tartare and lightly smoked Dashi Gelee came out first and it was stunning. With that first bite alone I could have left content, but I now understood what I could be missing.

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LE BERNARDIN The dishes came out one after the other

with just enough time between plates for light banter with our waiter. I was slowly working up the courage to ask him questions about Chef Ripert.

Dungeness Crab Cake, Lacquered Lobster Tail Tagliatelle in a Black Truffle Emulsion-each dish was more beautiful than the last. “May I ask, is it truly wonderful to work here?” I questioned. His eyes lit up. “I moved from Paris just to work with Chef Ripert. He is a master and I am very proud to be a part of the team.” He was a handsome young man and as he walked away I thought about his life and how much he had already accomplished at such a young age.

Next came the Steamed Black Bass, so flaky and tender followed by my favorite, Dover Sole with Lemon Potato Mousseline. Our waiter came over to check on us, “Is everything to your liking?” he asked kindly, “How could anyone have anything negative to say?” I joked with him back.

He gave a small chuckle. In his perfect French accent, he replied, “I suppose you are right. I am happy you are enjoying it so much.” Next, he brought out Japanese Wagyu with grilled escolar. My eyes began to tear up, I was elated.

Finally, dessert. Grapefruit sorbet to cleanse the palate, a blackberry corn tart and a chocolate ganache birthday cake sent special from the kitchen. As he set the cake down and said, “Happ-ee Birthday!” I thought there was no way I could be any happier than I was right then.

I sat at the booth and soaked it all in. The famous crashing wave painting, Deep Water

No. 1 by Ran Ortner, drew me in. Serene yet unbridled; a striking reminder of where my food came from. My eyes moved to the waiters in the wing-there but not there-then to the other guests whose eyes were wide with delight; I did not want this moment to end. A group of young professionals who had just flown in from Japan sat at the table next to us. Without a moment’s notice, a waiter approached the man at the table with a dining jacket. “Excuse me sir, all men must wear a dining jacket to dinner, but we have one here for you. Please try it on and let me know if you need a different size.” While there is naturally a dress code here, the snafu was handled with grace and fortunately the jacket fit.

“Sit as long as you like.” Our waiter said as he topped off my water glass and I nodded, “Thank you, tonight has been truly spectacular.” “It is always nice to see someone so moved by what we do here.” He replied and he was kind enough to engage in discussion for a moment. We talked about France and other French restaurants in the city that he loved and how life was different for him after moving here. When the time came to end the night, my tummy and heart couldn’t have been more full. Before walking out, I turned to take one last look at the dining room I had forever longed to see. Some guests were just beginning their experience and I was already nostalgic as I pushed through the doors and stepped out into the cool New York night; thankful to be one of the lucky ones who can say they’ve dined there.

Photos courtesy of ADVOCARTSY

ROSHI RAHNAMA

creating connections through art

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A CANDID TALK with Founder & Director of ADVOCARTSY Roshi Rahnama has a way of

putting you at ease from the start of the conversation. She is open, engaging, and the more she talks about her path to ADVOCARTSY, the more obvious it becomes that above all she is passionate about art, and about people.

She looks at art as a way of bringing people together, starting conversations, and connecting the community.

connection to the artists and works she gives a platform to.

But she is as much art lover as she is advocate. She says, "I've learned a lot, and I love to see the work. The expressions are so wide and varied."

By December 2015 the Art Briefs Series

by ADVOCARTSY were launched in Los Angeles.

That seems to be the guiding light behind her personal mission, and her change of careers in order to fully commit her time to the art world.

She says she is a "recovering lawyer", as she has now given up the practice of law, to fully dedicate herself as an art advocate.

So, in 2015 Roshi founded ADVOCARTSY as a collaborative fine arts platform to present works by contemporary artists of Iranian origin.

Rahnama explains, "I felt this specific group was underrepresented in the arts. I felt such a void, especially with such a large Iranian American community right here in Los Angeles."

A resident of L.A., and Tehran born herself, Roshi probably has a personal

From Letters, Memories, and Diaries series, at THE SPACE's inaugural exhibition of works by Shadi Yousefian

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inaugural exhibition works by Shadi Yousefian

THE SPACE BY ADVOCARTSY

And these Art Briefs, as sort of pop-up art exhibitions were so well received that Roshi realized a few important things.

As she explains, "First of all, I was thrilled to find out that if you create a professional accountable platform dedicated to the arts, people will show up!"

That may be the most important part in a sense. But as she adds, "Then it was about figuring out how to keep doing this in a way that both honors the art and the artist, but that is also sustainable."

Roshi says that during this time she started to see the reach of the platform beyond Los Angeles and California.

She adds, "I realized that we needed a space to store the art, and a base, a showroom. Something more permanent.

Allowing people to come and go. A more continuous and focused place."

And so was born THE SPACE by ADVOCARTSY. The Space is a 1,800square-foot space in Downtown L.A.'s fashion district, and Roshi hesitates to call it a Gallery. It is....well, a SPACE! "I don't want to call it a gallery. It's not only a gallery, it's more than that."

S h a d i Yo u s e f i a n a n d R o s h i R a h n a m a

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Above Shadi Yousefian Exhibition Right Roshi Rahnama at THE SPACE All Photos Courtesy of ADVOCARTSY Event photos

by Manoush Nabavi

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All event photos by Manoush Nabavi

Inaugural Exhibition

It is a space, a platform, where Rahnama hopes the community will come together around the arts. A place for exhibitions, but also a space for book signings, lectures, and other cultural events and community engagements.

As for specific future goals, Roshi, aware of the nature of passion and the arts says, "It's the arts, I like what I do.

So much so that I can't put a goal on it!

But, I would like more awareness, more connections. I would like to see the artists more engaged with the community."

Next, THE SPACE is showcasing the works of Pouya Afshar in a solo exhibition, EN MASSE, opening on Jan 14 to Jan 28, 2018.

S h a d i Yo u s e f i a n

THE SPACE BY ADVOCARTSY

solo exhibition EN MASSE works by Pouya Afshar 42

Of this new venture she has embarked on, Roshi seems thrilled. She says she loves what she is doing, and that is apparent in her voice.

Of where it takes her, and how she will measure its success she says, "I mean, how can you really know? There is no measuring this, or the impact. How many people are moved? How many conversations were started? How many people have contemplated and thought about the artists?" And that says it all about Roshi's vision.

It's true, we may not be able to measure the exact outcome. But, as a community we can feel the impact, and recognize the beauty. California now has a new space where to communicate around art, and we can't help but love that!

Left Page Top Memories Disintegrated III Left Page Bottom Multiple Memories I Above Top Multiple Memories II Above Bottom Memories Intertwined I

by Pouya Afshar

Photos Courtesy of ADVOCARTSY

THE SEXLESS MARRIAGE

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b y Dr. Colleen Mullen

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Frustrated. Lonely. Isolated. Angry. Shameful.

Disappointed. Self-Conscious. Resentful.

Unattractive. Unlovable. Those are some of the emotions that emerge in the sexless marriage.

The sexless marriage is defined by popular research as a marriage or long-term relationship in which the couple engages in sexual activity 10 times or less per year.

When I told friends I was going to write this piece, I got a lot of responses that went like this, “Let me know when you figure out how I can have more sex”, and then there was some laughter.

I get it. Between careers, kids, pets and other family obligations, the average couple is too pressed for time to focus on when to have more sex.

The thing is, the true sexless marriage happens because one person has had a change in their desire for sexual activity and it slowly (or quickly) disappears from the relationship.

Yes, we know that desire levels change over time, and satisfied couples find ways to discuss how they are feeling and how much sex is good for the both of them.

However, when one person decides they no longer feel much or any desire for sex, it often leaves the other partner wondering what happened.

I also know this personally, because I too was in a sexless marriage. The key word in that sentence is “was”.

My marriage was not to be saved, but that is not the case for everyone in that same situation. If you are in a sexless marriage, I’m going to try to help you better understand what may be going on and how you can talk to your partner about it.

Sex has been referred to as “the canary in the coal mine” in regard to long-term relationships. If you don’t know the analogy, the coal miners were sent into the mine with a canary. When the canary would die, they knew the air quality was reaching toxic levels and they would make their way out of the mine. When sex dies in a relationship, there is often toxic emotional energy circulating between the partners.

I want to be clear here, that I am not referring to couples who have physical or other health problems which prevent them from engaging in sex. Those couples will often find ways to discuss how they can be intimate in other ways. When a marriage becomes sexless, the void is often caused by emotional stress or the aforementioned toxic interaction between the couple.

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How sexless are true sexless marriages?

Well, in my 15 years of working with couples in the therapy setting, I’ve met couples who had not had sex in 7 years, 12 years, 5 times in 10 years and I worked with one couple who had not had sex, nor slept in the same bedroom in 25 years!

In my personal experience sex became a power struggle in my relationship the day we got married. By the time I moved out for good, my husband had refused to touch me or kiss me for over a year. We had 7 years of this power struggle and of course, we tried counseling.

How does someone who is known for specializing in helping stressed couples improve their relationships get stuck in their own relationship mess? Well, it can happen to anyone. Being part of a couple means you’ve got two people, both with their own special brand of emotional baggage joining together. To think that all couples will grow together, at the same speed, and in the same direction is very optimistic given those circumstances. We did try, but we determined that we grew in directions that were just no longer compatible. We could not have known this when we entered our relationship. I’m sure if you are dealing with this problem in your relationship, you understand what I’m saying here.

For as much as my situation let to the end of the marriage, I am here to let you know that does not have to be the case.

When both partners can recognize the problem as something they both want to change, a new lease on their relationship can be discovered and they can get out of the mine before it’s too late.

By now, you are probably itching to get some practical advice, if this is a situation you find yourself in. So, here are a few starting points: - As with most relationship struggles, the

first step is identifying and naming it.

Yes, you must be able to say it out loud.

You could say something like, “I’ve noticed that over the last few months, sex seems to be absent (or less frequent, or not happening as much, etc.) from our relationship. I’m concerned about that and hope we can talk about it”.

It matters how you approach your partner about this. The gentle lead in as I’ve presented has you stating what you observe and how you feel about it. If, by chance they get defensive, let them know your concern is out of love and you want to make sure that both of you understand the changes as they appear to be happening in your relationship.

- Set up an appropriate time to talk about it. Approaching your partner when they are rushing in the morning to head out to work will be much less well-received than if you wait until you’ve relaxed at the end of the day.

- The next thing you can do is focus on some true quality time with your partner which purposely has nothing to do with sex. When’s the last time you went out together and did something fun!? Would you love to spend the day at the beach, bowling, hiking, taking in a play, or a concert?

Very often the lack of sexual desire is a marker for feelings of emotional disconnection for one or both partners.

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Focusing on quality time, where you just get to enjoy each other can really help awaken that part of the relationship again.

- It’s not always about you. Even though on the receiving end of sexual withholding by your partner, you can feel all those uncomfortable emotions I mentioned at the beginning of this piece, sometimes our partner is just so overwhelmed with the thoughts in their own head that they do not have the emotional space for sexual desire.

Are they under pressure at their job? Do they have extended family members who are chaotic? Do they have a history of struggling with depression or anxiety?

Your partner may actually be in need of some professional emotional support (i.e. individual therapy).

- Both partners need to decide that they want the situation to change. Without both partners at the starting gate, the change cannot happen. You don’t both have to run at the same pace, but you need to both be in the same race.

If you’ve tried all the above and just cannot seem to get your relationship on a better track, it may be time to try relationship counseling.

If you and your partner are willing, a professional counselor who specializes in intimacy struggles can help you learn the skills and the words needed to get yourselves out of the mine before the relationship dies.

Dr. Colleen Mullen, Psy.D., LMFT

is the Founder of the Coaching Through Chaos private practice in San Diego, California. She is also the host of The Coaching Through Chaos and the Shrink to Shrink on Film podcasts. You can find her on Twitter @DrColleenMullen or CoachingThroughChaos.com

PEOPLE &

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TAXES...

by Lucy Webb Although there is some difficulty in pinpointing exactly when taxation began, the earliest

historical records relating to tax were found in ancient Egypt, when tax was generally paid for in grain as well as labor. Aside from the ancient Egyptians, tax systems have also been found to operate in both ancient Greece and Rome. Indeed, tax is even mentioned within the Bible, where it describes commissioners in Egypt taking a fifth of the harvest to protect against times of famine.

Given the long history of taxation, it is hardly surprising that Benjamin Franklin famously wrote in 1789 “in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”

Although Benjamin Franklin’s words were put to paper nearly 250 years ago, the sentiment certainly holds as true today as it ever has, although admittedly the modern system of taxation in operation across countries today has moved on from the once simple tax on grain or property.

Although the tax regime within the modern world has progressed, one question has remained a constant since tax was introduced - how fair is it to expect people to pay taxes? There are countless instances of individuals resisting or refusing to pay tax throughout history. For example, the American Revolution began as an act of tax resistance, of which the Boston Tea Party action in 1773 is an example. Europe also fared no better, as the French Revolution was also preceded by wide discontent with France’s tax regime at the time.

When examined at its most fundamental level, the issue of just how fair tax is, and whether we should pay it, boils down to two schools of thought. Broadly, the first group sees tax as a necessity in order to maintain and improve society.

This is based on the assumption that tax revenues are spent on community needs, such as healthcare and public transport, whilst also helping to influence our behaviors, for instance by increasing duties on items that are bad for our health, such as tobacco and alcohol. The second group sees tax as theft of personal wealth, and potentially even as an act of government oppression.

Given that the payment of tax is a legally enforceable obligation, the only way for an individual to protest the existence of a taxation system is to evade their duty to pay tax – a crime which is often punishable by a jail sentence. Consequently, many pay their taxes out of obligation, rather than out of personal motivation. Although, on an individual level, there is a conflict between those who are happy and willing to pay their taxes and those who are reluctant to pay at all, such conflict begins to dissipate when the issue is considered on a wider scale.

There have been numerous corporations thrown into the spotlight over the past few years – Starbucks, Amazon, and Google to name but a few – who have been portrayed by the press as serial tax avoiders whose tax bills fall short when you consider the millions in revenue that such corporations are making.

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TAXES...

...it's complicated.

Indeed, the Panama Papers in 2016 and the more recent Paradise Papers have also drawn

the ire of the public, as both leaks have shown how multinational corporations, as well as high net worth individuals, are able to shelter their income from higher tax rates through the use of offshore structures in tax havens, where no or little tax is levied. It seems that public opinion has reached an almost overwhelming consensus that there is a duty for such corporations and individuals to pay their fair share of taxes.

Put simply, such corporations and high net worth individuals are able to lower their tax bills simply because they have the money and resources to implement efficient tax structures, which an ordinary person simply cannot do. This means that there is inherent inequality in the tax system, as the wealthy are able to secure the lowest possible tax rate for themselves, whilst the average man must pay what he is told to pay.

It is this inequality which seems to have brought tax to the forefront of discussions in the popular media, and such focus is hardly surprising given the growing gap between the wealthy and the poor. Indeed, the International Monetary Fund warned in 2015 that widening income inequality was the “defining challenge of our time.”

Despite this growing inequality, there are measures underway to counteract the abuse of such tax loopholes. The Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, for example, has drafted a number of action points, collectively known as the “Base Erosion and Profit Shifting” project, which aims to introduce steps to prevent corporations from exploiting mismatches in tax rules to artificially shift their profits to low-tax jurisdictions, with over 100 countries currently participating in this framework.

It would seem then, that on a global level at least, perspectives are slightly shifting and actions are being taken to try to ensure that everyone pays a fairer share. While such steps do seem indicative of a global shift towards a belief system that tax is a necessity in order to contribute to society, there is potential hypocrisy in this notion. For example, if the average man were given the same opportunities to legitimately minimize his tax bill, how are we to know whether he would readily do so, or whether he would still stand by the notion of fair tax for all? So, tax is not just an issue of law, but also of life perspective and even of ethics!

Although Benjamin Franklin’s notion that tax is inevitable has certainly stood the test of time, what has changed is how the tax system is progressing and adapting to society’s needs and pressures. Although recent press reports highlight the perceived inequality in terms of tax burden between the rich and poor, as well as between the individual and the corporation, the tax landscape is changing in response to these pressures, with a seemingly growing public consensus that tax is part of the social contract, and everyone should pay their fair share.

However, whether such altruistic notions remain when tax is considered at an individual level remains a rather personal question that has no immediate or easy answer.

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well before her first steps. The modern day woman is her ancestors’ wildest dreams - she has the authority to forge her own path in life, to vote, to work, to love, and to decide whether or not she becomes a mother.

Pregnancy is no longer a cause for modesty or hiding one’s bump. Quite the contrary - celebrities are now making their pregnancies a cause for celebration, complete with artistic bump pics and birth announcements on social media.

Prior to advancements in medicine that made birth safer for mothers, giving birth was a rite of passage that came along with some inherent risks. Activist Ricki Lake, in her critically acclaimed documentary, “The Business of Being Born”, rekindles the connection between nature and birth, and points out that some of modern medicine’s latest practices are actually getting in the way of what a woman’s body was naturally designed to do.

Speeding up labor with synthetic drugs, and scheduling their patients for c-sections out of convenience versus medical necessity are concerns that Lake argues do not bode well for the women who get pushed and pressured to conform to this new system of birthing. On the other hand, giving the women the ability to control the way in which their bodies give birth is a step forward - to what point, however, remains untold.

Pregnancy has indeed become a profitable industry, with supplements, exercise videos, and books full of advice. Many women find the decision to become a mother one that is weighed against other hopes and dreams like having a comfortable lifestyle, and a rewarding career.

Advances in technology and medicine have made doing it all much more possible, and scientists are now getting a firmer grip on ectogenesis, that is, creation outside of the womb. From in vitro fertilization, to the artificial uterus - the process of birth itself is undergoing a transformation.

A R T I F I C I A L W O M B S

A child’s relationship to motherhood begins

The Evolution of Motherhood

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The origins of Ectogenesis and artificial wombs have been the subject of ancient folklore and modern day science fiction. But now, it is official - artificial wombs, while still not allowed for use with human beings, have arrived and are doing well with lambs and horses.

The term “Ectogenesis” was brought to life by a British Scientist in 1924 by the name of J.B.S. Haldane.

The first patent for an artificial womb was later held

by Emanuel M. Greenberg in 1955. From a conceptual standpoint, the artificial womb was classified as an assisted reproductive technology in the same family as in vitro fertilization.

Fetal surgeon Alan Flake led a group at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. The group study, which was published in the journal Nature Communications, was able to successfully recreate conditions that allowed a very premature lamb to develop to full maturation by using their artificial womb.

The “biobag” the group developed uses a clear plastic pouch of synthetic amniotic fluid, and a device that attaches to the umbilical cord to function as a placenta, providing oxygen and nutrients, and removing waste. Extracorporeal membrane oxygenation is already used in a variety of medical applications, such as in recovery for open heart surgery, or as a mediation for someone awaiting a heart transplant.

Implementing this technology in a new way is now a safer alternative to current methods of lung support used on premature fetuses.

A R T I F I C I A L W O M B S

For instance: What if pregnancy was no longer necessary? What are the implications of making once impossible births viable, and making the process of being born occur entirely outside of the body? How could artificial wombs open up new possibilities for parental roles and familial relationships?

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"If it's a question of a baby dying versus a baby being born who then needs to live its entire life in an institution, then I don't think that's better. Some parents might think that's better, but many would not," said Davis.

Redefining Motherhood Ectogenesis creates new opportunities for sustaining life. The implications of having one more alternative may provide women and families who are looking to adopt with a new means of planning and growing their lives together.

Haldane predicts that by 2074, a majority of births would occur with the assistance of Ectogenesis.

While the advances in science and societal structure certainly make this vision possible, Dr. Flake says that so far, the artificial wombs his team has developed in Philadelphia are only designed to help premature fetuses as far back as 23 weeks, but no further.

In the greater picture, the role of a mother will likely remain unchanged in spite of developments in birthing technology.

In the words of the great anthropologist Margaret Mead, “Having someone wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night is a very old human need”. In this regard, our needs are what makes us human, no matter how we come to be.

A R T I F I C I A L W O M B S

Artificial wombs have already been successfully implemented to help premature lambs survive. These advances make it possible for human fetuses to survive in an artificial womb as early as 22 weeks.

A number of implications come with such technological advances, some which cause concerns over changing the course of nature. Bioethicist Dina Davis makes a statement with her concerns about whether or not artificial wombs are a good option for human fetuses.

Photo by Roman Tiche 62

Paula H. Cookson

who watch people

WE A R E P E O P L E . . .

by

People watching has probably always been a thing.

Ever since there have been people, we've been fascinated with each other’s behaviors, activities and motives. So, how did the simple act of observing others turn into the furtive verb "people watching" that, in recent decades, has turned into a social sport?

What was once a guilty pleasure for many has now graduated to a hobby in pop-culture. As social media and easy access to information have spread via the internet, the idea of "watching each other" has become a wide spread and accepted factor of our human psychology and norm. Not only do we like to watch each other, we like to speculate about one another's lives based on appearance, behavior, and observed emotions. We read each other's faces surreptitiously, looking for clues to fill in the backstory. We are fiction junkies, looking for real-life characters about whom to develop a plot.

At first glance, the idea of people watching sounds creepy. Think about this scenario. A man goes to the mall. He sits on a bench with a fountain soda and pretends to scan his phone, while actually observing strangers from a distance. He imagines where they are going, what they are doing and their back story. This man has other things he could be doing, but this is what he is choosing to do right now. He's watching complete strangers roaming the mall. So in this situation, we're the people watchers, observing this person watching people, and this is simply what we would see.

But, as advanced people watchers, we may develop this back story: this man at the mall, who is wearing jeans several sizes too big and a baseball hat with a Boston Red Sox emblem, has a distant, wrung-out expression on his face. He is just out of a bad break up and needed to get out of his apartment so he could stop thinking about his ex; there are reminders everywhere he turns.

He's having a hard time eating, as he's fairly depressed and is sipping soda since it's the only thing he can keep down right now.

This man is people watching to occupy his mind and stop thinking about how he lost the love of his life. Then suddenly he seems less creepy, and rather sad. We made up the man's back story and we somehow feel more connected to him and his imagined (and imaginary) experience. Is this why we do it?

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WE

Photo by Roman Tiche

ARE PEOPLE...

who watch people

People watching can meet any number of voyeuristic needs.

A primary purpose for many is pure entertainment. APWs (advanced people watchers) create games and strategies for the activity. If you want an entertaining read about APW games, read Josh Rueff's blog entry on the subject, titled "10 People Watching Methods: How To People Watch." His list not only offers suggestions on locations and ways to be subtle about your activity, but also games to try, including Doppelganger, Subculture Classification and Pet/Owner Look Alike, among others.

Unlike a person with Voyeuristic Disorder, people watchers are observing others in public settings and there is a more innocuous interest that underlies the activity. On the other hand, Voyeuristic Disorder, is characterized by an intense sexual interest in secretly observing others who are disrobing or engaging in sexual activity. Think Peeping Tom.

People people-watch because we enjoy watching other humans and speculating on their lives. Maybe people watching is about making sense of the human experience, or about sorting people and behaviors into neater categories for our own sense of understanding and comfort. Maybe it all derives from a form of curiosity about people; to figure out what, from an outside observer's point of view, might help improve the internal experience.

Is people watching like a mini-emic cultural anthropology study? We are observing within our own culture, but not in depth enough to gather enough information to obtain a true perspective. Perhaps it is the layman's version of a sociological and behavioral study, with a fun and creative twist. We choose the back story, the observation is extremely timelimited, and the intent is mental relaxation, of sorts.

Regardless of whether our intentions are entertainment, professional assessment, culturally voyeuristic or otherwise, we are intrinsically curious. From the beginning of our lives we learn from watching others and paying attention to the norms of our families and cultures. We are all people who watch people in our daily lives and this tendency is usually harmless and can even be beneficial. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a coffee shop full of people to observe!

Paula H. Cookson, LCSW is a freelance writer and psychotherapist from Belfast, Maine.

WE A R E P E O P L E . . .

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who watch people

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THE SCIENCE of NURTURING

Q&A with Dr. Emily E. Little

Founder & Director of nurturely The first few years of life are important years for development. The bond between a mother and child is very important in those crucial first few years and nurturely is attempting to bring the science of nurturing to mothers and communities everywhere.

How did the idea for nurturely come about? What inspired you?

Nurturely was born from my desire to use interdisciplinary research to understand how to best improve maternal-infant health outcomes in different communities. While in the experimental psychology program at UCSD, I developed a research program that examines cultural variation in childrearing and mother-infant interaction.

I was first interested in this topic from a cognitive development perspective, motivated by questions like, “How do babies learn from their social environment?” and “How do caregivers modify their behavior to facilitate infant learning?” But during my international fieldwork in Vanuatu, Bolivia, and Guatemala, I worked in areas where infant mortality is high, which led me to shift my focus to behaviors more critical from a public health perspective. I transitioned from studying how adults teach infants – which is something we value highly in the US – to

looking at more basic types of interaction including skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding, which both have a huge importance for infant health and survival.

Though these types of interaction have received less attention from the psychological research community, breastfeeding and physical contact provide a rich source of communication and interaction between mother and baby, making them fascinating from a psychological perspective as well as from a public health perspective. While doing this research, I also volunteered at community health clinics, birthing centers, and health outreach programs

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internationally and in the US. One of my biggest passions is still working internationally because I love discovering the unique rituals and beliefs of each culture and using research to understand community-specific challenges in maternalinfant health. Yet after working with mothers in many traditional communities around the world, I realized that there are many things that the US could learn from these communities about childrearing. This realization inspired me to launch nurturely, focusing on building and sharing the science of infant care while also learning from other cultures by incorporating some of the traditional childrearing practices that have been lost in modern US society.

Another huge barrier is the lack of paid maternity leave in our society – the US is the ONLY high income country that does not mandate paid parental leave. So, some mothers have the financial resources to take time off work to be with their baby – which is critical for successful breastfeeding, bonding, and development – and some mothers do not.

Though it is federal law to provide break time for working mothers to pump breastmilk, the stress of pumping at work at designated times, which can throw off the natural supply-and-demand process of breastfeeding, in combination with the lack of skin-to-skin time with baby, can lead to early cessation of breastfeeding for working mothers.

Breastfeeding Equality is a term many may not yet know. Can you briefly tell us how inequality happens in this area, In addition, independent of these socioeconomic disparities, mothers in the African American and how in turn this impacts the community have some of the lowest breastchild's long term development?

Breastfeeding is supposed to be the natural human condition, the default method for infant feeding. As such, it should be equally accessible to any family despite differences in background, education, socioeconomic status, or race. Yet in modern US society, breastfeeding has turned into a luxury and a privilege that makes breastfeeding more challenging for some families than others.

At the most basic level, there are socioeconomic and cultural disparities in access to breast-feeding education, resources, and support due to financial barriers (e.g., inability to pay for a lactation consultant) and language barriers (e.g., breastfeeding education materials primarily available in English, neglecting speakers of other languages).

feeding rates in the country, due to lack of representation in breastfeeding imagery as well as a complex cultural history with the role that

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breastfeeding played for black women during slavery. African American women are more likely to give birth early, which has been attributed to the persistent stress experienced by black women in our society from systemic racism and unequal treatment in the healthcare system, making breastfeeding even more critical for these vulnerable preterm babies.

Nurturely takes a comprehensive approach when it comes to research and community outreach, can you explain why this is important, and how this impacts the caregiver on the receiving end?

Research is typically quite segregated by discipline, and the separation between the These disparities in breastfeeding support, worlds of research and outreach is even greater. resources, and education have led to the lowest Even within the same area – maternal-infant breastfeeding rates among the families whose health for example – this lack of cross-talk infants would benefit most from breastfeeding: between professional communities impedes our those from the lowest income brackets, with the ability to make a collective positive impact. lowest education levels, and from minority I spent five years working both as an academic groups. researcher and as a community health volunteer at various non-governmental organizations and I To me, this is the biggest problem for babies; the was constantly frustrated by the lack of fact that breastfeeding rates are lowest for the collaboration and communication between these babies and families that are most in need of the two sectors. Even when maternal-infant health physical and psychological benefits of programs strive to be based on current breastfeeding. evidence, the reality of the system is that it takes years and years for research to be translated Because breastfeeding is critical for the creation into practice. of a well-functioning immune system, low breastfeeding rates among certain populations contribute to community-specific high rates of infant mortality.

Beyond simply promoting survival, breastfeeding decreases a baby’s risk of developing childhood obesity and potentially asthma, and is associated with increased cognitive and academic achievement.

And due to the role of breastfeeding in the health of the mother, including protecting against breast cancer, ovarian cancer, and type 2 diabetes, low breastfeeding rates exacerbate the socioeconomic and cultural disparities in adult health as well.

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My goal with nurturely is to promote more collaboration between academic researchers and community health professionals at all stages of their respective processes and to combine methods and perspectives from a wide range of scientific approaches.

With increased interdisciplinary collaboration, research studies can be designed to best address the questions that are most relevant for maternal-infant health programs, and health outreach programs can be designed around the latest evidence.

In addition, taking a comprehensive approach to understanding the problem, by incorporating perspectives from cultural, social, biological and sciences, is critical for understanding the root of a health barrier and creating sustainable change.

Having children and raising them is obviously not a modern phenomenon, but how is child rearing different in today's world, creating this gap nurturely is attempting to bridge?

Growing up in the US, we are so lucky to benefit from the luxuries of modern medicine and advanced technologies. However, with all of these advances in our society, we have lost sight of some of the basic components of human nature that are so important to the birth and infant care processes.

Humans are a social species. We evolved to need help, to need support from our community members. In most traditional cultures, rituals exist around the birth, breastfeeding, and infant care that aim to heal, support, and teach the new mother.

In US society today, mothers often give birth then are stuck at home in isolation during the postpartum period. They are told that breastfeeding is best, but they aren’t told that because of human anatomy and development, breastfeeding is not automatic and requires extensive learning on the part of both the mother and the baby. They are often left struggling on their own with this process, and with no one to teach them how to breastfeed, they can feel an immense sense of failure for not being able to do this thing that was supposed to be “natural.”

They are showered with expensive gifts and gadgets and toys and games for their baby, but they aren’t informed of the incredible power of their own body, how skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding will be more beneficial to the baby than any of the products that were purchased.

They are expected to “get their body back” and bounce back to work and other obligations almost immediately, being forced to pay someone else to care for their child.

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All of these facets of the current childrearing environment are incredibly atypical from a cultural and evolutionary perspective, yet the peculiarity of our systems and practices is completely taken for granted in our society.

Though it is true that women in the US are extremely fortunate to have rights that women in many other countries do not, the rights surrounding motherhood seem to have been lost in many regards.

What is on the agenda for nurturely in the coming year?

This is a very exciting time for nurturely, as we’ve just initiated many new partnerships and just launched several research and outreach projects.

We’re working on developing a curriculum for a science-based breastfeeding class for pregnant women and their partners. The field of breastmilk research is exploding with fascinating The goal of nurturely is not for US society to go findings, but this science news often doesn’t back to the ways of our ancestors or to mimic the practices of traditional societies, but rather to make it to the community. work to integrate the science of infant care with What better way to empower new mothers than the nature of nurturing in a way that will ultimately improve outcomes for both infants and by telling them the newly discovered magical properties of breastmilk? Because our primary their caregivers. goal is to tackle breastfeeding disparities, we will be translating this material into different Why is 'nurture' so crucial in first few languages and targeting underserved years of life? populations, making this free class available in The experiences a baby has during their first few many different communities across San Diego years of life shape their psychology in a County and beyond. fundamental way, guiding the trajectory of their brain development and how they think, socialize, and interact with the world.

The nutrition and interaction that characterizes the first years of life lays the foundation for health outcomes, not only in childhood but in adulthood and beyond.

Humans are incredibly resilient and the human brain is quite plastic, so having a poor infancy is often not a deal-breaker in terms of later health and success, but why would we not want to give ALL babies the best possible start in life?

nurturely On the research front, we have just started an exciting intervention study to examine the effects of mother-infant physical contact on maternal responsiveness, symptoms of postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, and breastfeeding outcomes. My doctoral research showed that individual variation in mother-infant physical contact is associated with differences in maternal responsiveness to infant hunger cues – something that women in other cultures already provide clear evidence of – but this hasn’t been looked at in a controlled experiment. I’m excited to share the results when they become available! With regard to improving societal support for new caregivers, we are working with employers to make workplaces more supportive and breastfeeding-friendly.

We just joined forces with the Parenting in the Workplace Institute and the Evolved Nurturing Initiative in launching the Babies at Work Coalition, building off the work done by Parenting in the Workplace Institute for the past 10 years.

Our goal is to implement new policies at workplaces that allow parents to bring their babies to work for the first few months of life. Programs like these can increase infantcaregiver bonding, help eliminate disparities in breastfeeding rates, increase employee retention, and alleviate the financial challenges that come with high childcare costs. We are also working with the International Rescue Committee to develop support and education programs for refugee mothers.

Acculturation into the US is associated with decreased breastfeeding rates and sometimes increased rates of postpartum depression, and given the other challenges that come with being a refugee, we think this is a particularly important group of women to support in their transition to motherhood. For more info: nurturely.org

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ADD A LITTLE MINT TO YOUR LIFE

THE MOST VERSATILE MiNT recipe by

C him ic h ur r i S a u c e !

Justin McChesney-Wachs It’s said that early Romans believed eating mint would increase your intelligence! But, even if you do not eat mint to improve your ability to beat your friends at mental gymnastics, you should consider adding a little mint to your life for all the other proven health benefits.

Mint has one of the highest antioxidant capacities of any food, it is also a good source of Vitamin A, a vitamin critical for eye health and night vision.

So, for an easy to make, versatile, super healthy mint chimichurri sauce we turned to San Diego based food blogger and food photographer, Justin McChesneyWachs, for his popular recipe. He is all about using the bare essentials to develop great flavors. And as he explains; Chimichurri is a fresh herb sauce that is used for both marinating and as a sauce to accompany meats.

It originated in Argentina and there are many variations, including green and red versions.

Fresh mint, Italian parsley, olive oil, red wine vinegar, garlic, red pepper flakes, kosher salt and diced red onion are all you need to quickly make this bright sauce or marinade. Just a few simple ingredients for this fresh tasting sauce.

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Serving Size 1 Cup: 1/2 cup packed fresh mint 1/2 cup packed fresh Italian parsley 2 garlic cloves coarsely chopped 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil 1/8 cup red wine vinegar or more to taste 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes or to taste 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt 1/4 cup diced red onion

Add the mint, parsley, garlic, olive oil, red wine vinegar, red pepper flakes and salt to a blender or food processor. Pulse until the ingredients are well chopped, but not puréed. Be careful not to blend for too long as the blades can heat up and cause the bright green mint to turn dark. Use a spatula to scrape down the sides to process evenly.

Transfer the chimichurri sauce to a small bowl or jar and stir in the diced red onion. Taste for seasoning and add more salt, red wine vinegar and pepper flakes as desired for your taste.

Cover the chimichurri sauce before storing in the refrigerator until you are ready to use it.

Recipe Notes: This chimichurri recipe yields about 1 cup of sauce and will be more than enough for multiple racks of lamb for example. Store in the refrigerator for up to 2 days.

DO YOU KNOW?

We have a protein, in our cold sensing nerve cel ls, that is responsible for signaling our brain w hen the temperature decreases. Mint happens to have the same impact on that protein, w hich is w hy mint feels co ol in your mouth!

Justin McChesney-Wachs, San Diego food blogger & photographer

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IN D IGN AS IN LiFE YOU MUST FIRST COME TO ACCEPT THE REALITY OF the SITUATiON TO FIND THE RIGHT FIT FOR YOUR SPACE BOTH in YOUR ROOMS and IN YOUR HEART. Photo by Ichum Pitaz

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CLOSURE

In life we all go through tough losses. Whether it is the loss of a loved one, a pet, a relationship, a

big promotion, or a daydream, each and every one of us goes through the sadness, disappointment, anger, resentment, and frustration that comes with loss. It is not easy to cope with these types of losses in life, and the need to move on can be troubling for some. Despite the difficulty, in order to continue living, one must move on. And, regardless of the situation, one thing is always needed for moving on: closure.

When we hear the word closure, what comes to mind? Resolution? Revenge? The closing of a door or the end of a chapter? The idea of closure is different for everyone. Whether your concept of closure is geared toward revenge, resolution, or even if it is a concept that is completely foreign to you, each person must find closure to be able to move on from past resentments, and to let go of the painful feelings and emotions from failure or loss, in other to begin a new path, in one way or another. Closure is something that we all seek out, whether we realize it or not, as the grieving process is a heart-wrenching experience that takes a person through the roller coaster ride of feeling his or her emotions, working towards the understanding of the circumstances, and accepting the situation for what it is, without fighting an internal battle about whether it is right to move forward from the sadness that comes with loss.

Grieving is a delicate process, and failing to grieve properly can have detrimental consequences, like depression, anxiety, resentment, self-blame, insecurities, poor self-esteem, anger, among others, and ultimately the inability to move on with life. Without finding closure, an individual can become stuck in time, unable to keep up with the evolution of their own natural life.

Finding closure is not just getting over it. Closure requires much more than the passing of time

to heal the pain that is felt and carried. One may think that to have resolution, one needs approval, or validation from others to be able to find closure, but this is not necessarily so. Closure is found within oneself, through a personal journey toward acceptance, forgiveness, and letting go. To achieve these three key components of closure, it means finding the ability to move on from deep grief, resentments, insecurities, and unresolved dormant feelings that always find a way to the surface.

Helping You Reach Closure

Acceptance

“Acceptance” is the act of acknowledging and internalizing the way things are, and not what you would like them to be. Acceptance does not mean that you need to like or be happy with the way things are, it means that you are able to reach a point in which you acknowledge and are willing to live a life based on the reality that you face, even if it is

by GinaMarie Guarino

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not ideal for you. It is the willingness to tolerate your circumstances, even though they are unpleasant, unsettling, or upsetting for you.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness tends to be particularly difficult for people, especially when there is a social, interpersonal, or relationship issue involved.

Such issues cause people to feel angry, hurt, betrayed, and vulnerable. Sometimes these feelings can be so overwhelming that we can consider forgiveness as a sign of weakness, surrendering, or submission to whatever or whoever has caused the emotional pain.

However, this is not necessarily so. Forgiveness is the act of pardoning another for the pain that they inflicted on you. You acknowledge the pain, but forgive the source. You also must forgive yourself. Forgiveness is entirely in your own control, and it is something that you must do for yourself, not the person or object of your pain. When you are able to forgive, even if it still hurts, you will be able to let go.

Letting Go

At face value, the final step of letting go can sound like a simple process, but in the moment it can be challenging. When we face loss, we tend to hold on to emotions because they feel like a connection to who or what we lost. Feelings like resentment, anger, frustration, ill will, and even revenge, can all be strong when you are suffering from grief and loss. The idea of letting go of these feelings can be hard, especially if you have been harboring them for long. The thing is, once you have completed the first two steps – acceptance and forgiveness – you will come to realize that you are putting in extra effort to hold on to these feelings. This is stress that you do not need to endure. It can be hard, but you do need to let go of these feelings in order to evolve.

It can be hard to find closure from loss, regardless of what you are grieving. However, closure is a critical step to the healing process – you cannot move on without it. As mentioned, the hardest part of finding closure is the fear of leaving or forgetting what you have lost.

But, you must remember that what you lost was and is not fueled by these negative feelings. Finding closure and moving on does not mean forgetting the good, or even the bad, it means finding a way to lightly carry what you lost with you as you move on to the next chapter in your life. Moving on does not mean leaving behind, or giving in, it means taking the experience, learning from it, and evolving past it as you move forward in your own journey toward peace.

T h e Fa c e l e s s Tr a v e l e r

I t ' s a l l a b o u t t h e t h i n g s t h a t le ave a n i m p re ss i o n !

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Noble Experiment | San Diego, California A speakeasy, also referred to as a blind tiger, was a prohibition era underground spot that sold alcohol during the US’ dry years between 1920 to about 1933. Though post-prohibition times saw no need for such establishments, they have captured our curiosity and our awe throughout the past century! In recent years their hidden vibe has made a major comeback everywhere, Gaslamp included. This place gets the vibe right. It is well hidden, you can be at the front bar and not know that there is a speakeasy behind another wall on your way to the restrooms. For a small spot it captures the right amount of glamor, while keeping enough of the dark feel, complete with a wall of skulls. The bartenders are Dealers, and to keep with the adventure of the night ask for Dealer’s Choice when you order. Make reservations, space is limited.

Terrace at The Carbon Beach Club

Malibu Beach Inn | Malibu, California Malibu is, well, Malibu. It has two great things going for it, its beaches and the celebrity homes that always keep its name in the public eye. Malibu, sitting only 30 miles west of Downtown L.A., is in many ways a celebrity itself. Malibu Beach Inn very much embodies that. Although I have been a customer more than once, I can take or leave most things about the establishment, the food, the building, the service. It’s not bad, in fact it’s mostly good; but it’s not particularly memorable either.

That may be the right vibe though, Malibu does not like fussy or overdone, per se. Other than the $80 million dollar property price tag of course! Ultimately, I think their food could be much better, and falls short for what the environment offers. Their cocktails do make up for it a little. But, you mostly forgive the under-seasoned taste for the views.

Like I said at the beginning, it’s about the beaches. To stay here (I prefer mid-week) and to wake up and have brunch with these ocean views at The Carbon Beach Club, and take a few steps down for a walk on Carbon Beach, that’s what makes it Malibu Beach Inn, and Malibu.

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Havana 1920 | San Diego, California Lunch time with outside seating for people watching or happy hour and late night eating with live music? No need to choose, our new little Havana does it all. Havana 1920 is the new restaurant by the same group behind MezĂŠ and Prohibition, 2 other East-Village favorites!

I already have a soft spot for this place. The food is really good, the coffee, the feel of the place, their live band that starts playing Cuban music in the evenings to make you stay and dance late into the night, week nights included.

I needed this place, but I didn't know I needed it.

The kitchen, spearheaded by executive chef Anthony Porras, delivers heavily on taste.The bar is stocked with a collection of more than 150 rums, so take your pick. I suggest the Havana 1920 Mojito, I like mine with less of the sugar cane syrup and more of their fresh lime juice. I also love their Sandwich Cubano.

They have a late night menu, and stay open until 1:00 am every night. Be still my beating heart! We need more places like this, with a sure identity, giving us a taste of another place and time. This spot captures the spirit of Cuba, and it will have you coming back for more!

L i ve M u s i c u p st a i r s a t n i g h t s

Sandwich Cubano

V i ew s i t t i n g at the Bar

M o r t o n' s T h e S t e a k h o u s e | S a n D i e g o , C a l i f o r n i a Morton’s is no rookie in the restaurant business. They first opened their doors in 1978 in Chicago, and now 40 years and 74 restaurants later, they still hold true to their motto of consistency and genuine hospitality. Some people like to go to familiar places when they travel. I am not one of those people. I enjoy trying new restaurants and tastes when traveling, but when home I do enjoy going back to certain spots that always deliver the same level of quality and care. For me, this specific Morton’s has the it factor when it comes to bar dining.

Of course Morton’s has a great dining room and board rooms (I’m told) though admittedly I have only dined at their bar. There is a different vibe when eating at the bar, than at a table. And I love to eat at the bar! I love elevated bar dining, where food service seems as important as the cocktail service, and yet obviously with a different vibe than a sit down setting. It is a whole different level of bartending. Part bartender, part waiter, part therapist, part friend. If you love that perfect balance that only good elevated bar dining can provide, Morton’s will pull at your heart strings every time.

And I would say their greatest quality is their consistency, they seem to always deliver, on food and service. That, and the fact that they serve food until 11 pm will likely keep them as neighborhood favorites for many years to come.

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