Playbill Staff Editors
DOMINY GALLO, CC ‘23 SAM NEEDLEMAN, CC ‘22
Design Editor
LYLA TRILLING, CC ‘22
Staff Illustrators
KAT CHEN, CC ‘24 BROOKE MCCORMICK, BC ‘22 ROSALINE QI, CC ‘22 MAYA WEED, CC ‘22
Staff Writers
KAT CHEN, CC ‘24 GABE GARON, CC ‘21 CY GILMAN, CC ‘22 JADEN JARMEL-SCHNEIDER, CC ‘22 NICOLE KOHUT, CC ‘22 CHLOE KOK, BC ‘24 SOPHIE POOLE, BC ‘22 CLAIRE SCHWEITZER, CC ‘24
2
THE BLUE AND WHITE
THE 126th ANNUAL VARSITY SHOW By The Blue and White
4. Blue Book. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .IT’S A FAMILY AFFAIR 5. Letter From the Editor. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WELCOME TO THE MEMBERSHIP 6. cast of characters. . . . . . . . . . . WE HOPE THIS MUSICAL FINDS YOU WELL 7. Musical Numbers. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . FIND “DAYENU” ON THE BACK COVER 8. Production Team. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . CREDIT WHERE CREDIT’S DUE 10. The Glossary. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . FOR LIONS YOUNG AND RUSTY ALIKE 16. Campus Characters. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WHO’S WHO IN THE CAST AND CREW 19. The Conversation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WITH DIRECTOR SOPHIA HOUDAIGUI 22. Investigative Special. . . . . . WHAT MAKES THIS VARSITY SHOW DIFFERENT? 23. At Two Swords’ Length. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . IS THIS YOUR FIRST VARSITY SHOW? 25. Acknowledgments.....................MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO ‘ROUND 26. Corporate SPONSORS. . . . . . . . THE WORLD GO ‘ROUND, THE WORLD GO ‘ROUND
C O V E R A R T B Y M AYA W E E D bweditors@columbia.edu • theblueandwhite.org • thevarsityshow.com
VARSITY 2021
3
BLUE BOOK It’s a Family Affair
The Varsity Show was born in 1894, four gloriously quiet years after The Blue and White
emerged from Alma Mater’s iron womb. As the bookish older sibling sat doodling in the corner, the Columbia family fawned over the precocious little runt. The Show, as it was known, could make “spirit fingers” before it learned to sit up, inspired the invention of the phonograph, and hung out with way too many socialists. What began as a sibling rivalry soon turned into a sibling rout: paralyzed by the onset of modernity, our blue-inked quills turned green, and we took a century-long hiatus while the runt charmed the socks off of the masses. But 100 years of solitude can ameliorate the pain of favoritism, and our new partnership should stand as a monument to the eternal light of siblinghood. After a brief and forgivable flirtation with a satire magazine named for the party of one notorious Treasury Secretary, this year, The Show returned to The Blue and White on its knees. When our dear sibling finally realized it was Lin-Manuel who’d earned the eleven Tonys and that Alexander himself was rather a powder-wigged prude, we were only too happy to revive our partnership once and for all. But like every other family reunion during these unprecedented times, ours was bittersweet. Thwarted by the Columbia Community Health Compact’s ban on hugs and unfulfilled by elbow bumps, we took to Zoom to rekindle our familial flame. In this spirit, we ask: Why is this night different from all other nights? Because, like on the great holiday of Passover, tonight, you recline. Tonight, worlds away from the plastic chairs of Roone, you are undoubtedly curled up in sweatpants in your unmade beds. And so are we. So strap on your $145 Warby Parker blue light glasses, pour yourself something stiff, and
settle in. From our humble abodes to yours, we sincerely hope The 126th Annual Varsity Show finds you well.
—The Editors, Past and Present Varsity Show
Blue & Whit e
Illustration by Lyla Trilling
4
THE BLUE AND WHITE
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Welcome to the Membership
January 2, 2020
Dearest Initiates:
Little brings me greater pleasure than to draft letters of congratulations and of welcome to new members of this sacred sodality. I write to you from a clandestine location of which you will soon become aware. In time, the manifold secrets of this sheltered league will reveal themselves to you, but before you partake of the tree of knowledge of St. [REDACTED] Hall, heed my words: as Eve did at the dawn of man, you will take on the burdens of enlightenment. It is a responsibility you mustn’t take lightly, but one that I am confident you are well-equipped by years of private school to bear. You committed your tickets to China to the flames, your Rolexes to the nearest rivers, and your dignities to the doormen whose hats you procured at your local Harvard Clubs. All the while, you demonstrated your deepest commitment to the subtle art of mystery. I only lament that you missed the ritual of shimmying less-than-discreetly in your evening gowns and Louboutins, in your suits and Ferragamos, down the halls of your first-year dorms and across the street to 434 [REDACTED]. I trust that the hardwood floors of your Manhattan penthouses and/or New England Georgians are shiny enough for you to enjoy your own reflections as you travel to your TV rooms to attend our philanthropic Zoom conclaves on the first and third [REDACTED] of each month. Cherished WASPlings, my freckled cheeks burst pink like a floral Renoir with pride in your accomplishments. Each and every one of your performances has been a study in the sublime. As I recline, sub rosa, in the undercroft of this hallowed Hall, I flip through the pages of your literary submissions and have no more Eyes / For sordid excellence / as Paradise. Verily, your meditations are worthy of publication in that finest of magazines, The Blue and White, left though it may lean. If only they knew how the riches of our five-story brownstone trickle down to the help (you know how I love our facialist—what’s her name?), they would be singing a different tune. Tonight, dear Initiates, you attend The 126th Annual Varsity Show to complete The Endeavor; henceforward, you shall be members of St. [REDACTED] Hall. Fear not the publicity: these amateur artists know little of what takes place behind the heavy black doors of [REDACTED] Riverside Drive. Ignorant and envious, they make a mockery of our troth. But, to quote the riff raff, “they hate us cause they ain’t us.” So remove your Burberrys, silence your Apple Watches, pour yourselves some Veuve, and enjoy. It has been a pleasure and a privilege heckling you these past few months. Now, cue the applause. Eternally yours, Madam [Redacted]
Illustration by Kat Chen
VARSITY 2021
5
JUST THE FACTS
WE HOPE THIS MUSICAL FINDS YOU WELL Director: Sophia Houdaigui Producer: Nakiri Gallagher-Cave Producer: Antara Agarwal Story & Book Writer: Corinne Rabbin-Birnbaum Story Writer: Louisa Melcher Composer: Ian Yan Lyricist: Callum Kiser Choreographer: Sophie Visscher-Lubinizki Lead Designer: Joseph Kurtz Stage Manager: Caroline Cassese
Cast of Characters
In Order of Appearance
AJ, just a girl trying to claw her way to the top. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jackie Chu JOSH LUCAS, Executive Director of Student Engagement. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wesley Schmidt EMILY DELMAN, Assistant Director of Student Engagement. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Giuliana Russo OLIVER, goes wherever the wind takes him, a good kid. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ethan Woo RAINDROP, self-identified activist. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Adam Kluge SEBASTIAN, president of St. A’s, WASP extraordinaire. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Erik Larsson MOLLY, formerly the “weird girl XD” in private all-girls middle school. . . . . . . . . . Samantha Seiff ZLAD, French in the sense that he went to Sciences Po. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Joseph Meyer VERONICA, still a horse girl, after all these years. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jordynn Lurie SPROUT, wrote a Doctor Who fanfic that got 100,000 likes at age 14 . . . . . . . . . . . . . Naomi Rubin FAMINE, Medicine, Literature, and Society major. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nathalia Tavares COACH JOHN PAUL G., has a little too much fun with his club. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jerry Zheng BUTLER BANNER, likes cuddling up by the fire, fumigating. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Russell Graviet
6
THE BLUE AND WHITE
JUST THE FACTS Illustration by Kat Chen
MUSICAL NUMBERS ACT I ZOOM Prologue: “Dear Mr. Prezbo”. . . . . . . AJ, ENESMBLE VIRTUAL LOW STEPS Scene 1: “Pick Me! Pick Me!” . . . . . . . . . ENSEMBLE VIRTUAL BUTLER STACKS Scene 2: “Self-Made Millionaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AJ 116TH STREET SUBWAY STATION Scene 3: “The Subway Station” . . . . . . . . . . . . MOLLY HUNGARIAN PASTRY SHOP Scene 4: “Eat the Rich” . . . . . . . . . RAINDROP, PERFORMANCE ARTISTS
ZOOM GOLF CLASS Scene 5: “Everybody Needs a Buddy”. . . OLIVER, AJ ST. A’S Scene 6: “Sebastian’s Lament” . . . . . . . . . SEBASTIAN ST. A’S Scene 7: “Don’t Be” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . MOLLY VIRTUAL LOW STEPS Scene 8: “Battle of the Brands”. . . . . . . . . ENSEMBLE
VARSITY 2021
ACT II
ST. A’S Scene 1: “Rumble at St. A’s” . . . . . . . . . . RAINDROP, SEBASTIAN VIRTUAL LOW STEPS Scene 2 ST. A’S Scene 3: “Give it Up” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . SEBASTIAN, VERONICA, ZLAD FACETIME Scene 4: “You’ve Got Time” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . OLIVER “Something More”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AJ VIRTUAL LOW STEPS Scene 5: “One Percent”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ENSEMBLE ZOOM Epilogue: “Roar, Lion, Roar” . . . . . . . THE CAST OF THE 126TH ANNUAL VARSITY SHOW
7
JUST THE FACTS SET DESIGNER
Octavio Galaviz
M
C U D O PR
DESIGN
A TE
N O I T
COSTUME DESIGNER
Julia Hyman
LIGHTING DESIGNER
Hunter King
SOUND DESIGNER
Orion Van Oss
y nb
tio stra u l l I
ine
al Ros
Qi
ASSISTANT SOUND DESIGNER
Carter Teplica
PROPS DESIGNER
Katie Long & Olivia Gong TECHNICAL DIRECTOR
Iris Rosenblum-Sellers
PRODUCTION
ASSISTANT STAGE MAN-
MUSIC DIRECTOR, MUSIC PRODUCER, & MIXER
AGER
Ian Yan
ARCHIVAL TEAM
Amelia Arnold & Jacob Kaplan
Grace Biondi Jean Kwon & Luna Wang
ALUMNI COORDINATOR
Daisy Byers
STREAMING EFFECTS COORDINATOR
Jacqueline Balestrieri ORCHESTRATORS
Simon Broucke & Ian Yan ORCHESTRATION CONSULTANT
Saar Singhal 8
WRITING ADVISORS
Animation ANIMATIC ARTIST & LEAD GRAPHIC DESIGNER
Rachel Cho
ANIMATIC ARTISTS
Connie Tran Isabel Stern Joseph Kurtz Liza Evseeva Maya Weed Ren Huang
ANIMATIC ARTISTS
Sarah Xi Tuesday Smith
PIT MUSICIANS BASS
Timmy Stabler CELLO
EDitors
Cy Gilman
Alexis Buncich Anna Kasun Chambit Miller Joel Meyers Kiki Gonglewski Lisa Evseeva Nakiri Gallagher-Cave Nick Zumba Sophia Houdaigui
CLARINET, FLUTE, &
DANCE EDITOR
KEYBOARDS
Lauren Wilmore
PICCOLO
Megan Trach DRUMS
Michael Manasseh FLUTE
Kelsey Chin GUITAR
Stephanie Grace Chow Ian Yan
THE BLUE AND WHITE
JUST THE FACTS PIT MUSICIANS
V126 spring 2020 team
SAXOPHONE
SET DESIGNER
David Mitchel Winograd Tony Kim
Maddie Canby ASSISTANT SET DESIGNERS
TROMBONE
Mary Zaradich
John Kershner & Jun Yi Zhang
TRUMPET
CO-LIGHTING DESIGNER
Matthew Sidler Nina Halberstadter Yael Cohen
Thea Konefal
VIOLIN
ASSISTANT TECHNICAL DIRECTOR
Connie Cai
CO-COSTUME DESIGNER
Raefah Wahid
SUNSHINE TEAM
Eliana GilbertTrachtman
WELLNESS TEAM
ASSISTANT PRODUCERS
Celia Krefter, Lauren Wilmore, Estee Dechtman, & Talia Hankin
Ana Eveleigh & Leul Abate ASSISTANT STAGE MANAGER
SNACK CAPTAIN
Grace Brown
SNACK UNDERLINGS
ASSISTANT CHOREOGRAPHERS
Dylan Dameron, Harris Solomon, & Kayla Streiber
Debby Song & Nicolette Auld-Griffith
DRINK CAPTAIN
ASSISTANT MUSIC DIREC-
DRINK FIRST MATE &
Nic Duran
Genevieve Joers
Jacob Kaplan
ALUMNI COORDINATOR
CAST GRANDPA
HISTORIAN & ARCHIVAL
PRODUCTION MOM
Jack Becker
Thomas Baker
Lori Leu
BUILD TEAM
MUSIC & LYRICS CONSULTANT
Mark Pierce PHOTOGRAPHER
Ohad Klopman MASTER PAINTER
Victoria Yang
GRAPHICS & PAINT TEAM
Catherine Chen & Han Wen Zhang
Madeleine Birdsell Eme Bookspan Isabella Collins Jessica Monaco John Andrade Jonathan Silverman Michael Van Duinen Rebecca Soforenko Ty Rowdon
PUBLICITY MANAGER
Sarah Robertson PUBLICITY TEAM
Adelina Correa Alex Siegal Amalia Garcia Ana-Maria Rodruigez Helen Sayegh Juan Escalante Kate O’Carroll
TOR
CAST MOM
Christian Palomares
MASTER CARPENTER
REHEARSAL PIANIST
Linus Glenhabner TEAM
Sila Puhl
MUSIC MOM
Yael Cohen SPELL-CHECKER
Joel Meyers
Illustration by Lyla Trilling
VARSITY 2021
9
the glossary Dept. of Uptown Patois PREZBO: Lee Bollinger, obscurantist extraordinaire and the 19th President of Columbia University. A “UNIT OF TIME”: Perplexing phrase from a prolix Prezbo email. LOW STEPS: Campus gathering place and first-year photo spot in front of Low Library. ST. A’S/ “THE HALL”: Not-so-secret society known for exclusivity, wealthy members, and a rumored spa in the basement. BUTLER: The preferred library of stress culture aficionados. MCBAIN: Sophomore dorm known for its sensual “shafted” rooms that face brick walls or the windows of other shafted rooms. DKA: Pre-professional cinema society. HEWITT: Barnard dining hall with lady-sized plates. ARAMARK: Former Hewitt caterer ousted by students in 2019 for ties to the prison–industrial complex and subpar potatoes. LIT HUM: Literature Humanities, one of the first required courses in the Core Curriculum, the sole reason we all applied. 209: Butler room so large that the crash of your 12 Lit Hum books on the table will echo. ORGO NIGHT: Controversial Marching Band event that takes place on the night before the organic chemistry final. WIEN: Dorm with student mailboxes. CANADA GOOSE JACKET: Status symbol in the form of a coat. BRIDGEWATER: Midtown investment firm. For more information, and to discuss your summer internship goals, consider making an appointment with the Center for Career Education. CAVA: Columbia student-run EMS service known for attractive uniforms. CC (the class): Contemporary Civilization, the original Core Curriculum class, now taken in the second year of study when the Core’s allure has, like the passions of youth, worn off. SURF, TURF, AND EARTH: Annual Columbia Dining event in which students are served fancy fare on frisbees. CHOATE: Schmancy boarding school in Connecticut. MARCHING BAND: Disgraced (and recently disbanded) Columbia club. UNIVERSITY LIFE SPEED FRIENDING: Friendmaking event—because even the best of us get a little lonely sometimes. ADP: Half-alt literary society, half-frat/sorority. 1020: Bar frequented by underage Columbia students. MONCLERS: Shiny status symbol in the form of a coat. DEAN KROMM: Cristen Scully Kromm, Dean of Undergraduate Student Life. We stan. RUGGLES FIRE: 2017 dorm fire caused by poor laundering choices and a halogen lamp. TREE LIGHTS: Campus Instagram background in December. “THAT MECHANICAL BULL THING”: An inexplicable appearance on the lawns in nice weather. FRO SCI CHEAT SHEET: Page of notes CC first-years are allowed to bring to their scintillating Frontiers of Science final. ROAR, LION, ROAR: Columbia’s fight song, originally written for the 1923 Varsity Show by Corey Ford, ‘23, to music by Roy Webb, ‘10, and Morris W. Watkins, ‘24.
10
THE BLUE AND WHITE
BRAND APPENDIx—Patronize! Patronize! Patronize! Except Sweetgreen and Lululemon
BLUE BOTTLE: California-based coffee shop with a new Broadway location. BLUE JAVA: Campus cafe. BOOK CULTURE: Perennially embattled bookstore on 112th. CONGREGATION RAMATH ORAH: Synagogue on 110th. DIG INN: Farm-to-table chain on Broadway. DOS TOROS: Wannabe Chipotle on Broadway. JIN RAMEN: Glorious ramen restaurant near 125th. JOE: Campus coffee shop. JUNZI: Chinese-style chain on Broadway. LA SALLE: Dumpling restaurant on Broadway. MEL’S: Bar with burgers and fries. MILANO MARKET: Gourmet supermarket on Broadway. SHAKING CRAB: Cajun eatery on Broadway. STOP AND SHOP: Supermarket in the Bronx. STROKOS: “Greek” eatery on Amsterdam. SUBSCONSCIOUS: Sub shop on Amsterdam. SWEETGREEN: Fast-casual salad place on Broadway. THE HEIGHTS: Frozen marg destination on Broadway. THE MILL: Korean restaurant on Broadway. TOM’S: Diner on Broadway featured on Seinfeld. V & T: Italian restaurant on Amsterdam. WESTSIDE MARKET: Beloved grocer on 110th.
VARSITY 2021
Illustration by Kat Chen
11
CAMPUS CHARActers
WHO’S WHO IN THE CAST The Hottest Varsity Show Cast Since Greta Gerwig
In many ways, the body’s natural growth cycle saved JACKIE CHU’S singing career. Once a perennial Florence Foster Jenkins-esque member of the ensemble, with a bit of elbow grease and the pubertal magic of vocal maturation, Chu, BC ‘22, rose through the ranks of Hong Kong youth theatre until—you guessed it—she played the coveted role of Bossy Orphan #2 in Annie. She’s come a long way since then: this time, she won’t be peeing onstage—don’t ask. What keeps Chu going? Her dad’s advice: never show your weakness. Her greatest weakness? Ornithophobia. When she’s not crossing the street to avoid a pigeon on the sidewalk, you can find her singing along to “American Boy” (and she will sing both parts) or as Nonsequitur’s most-likely-to-be-belting-on-a-rooftop member. What’s different about this year’s Varsity Show? “It’s bloody online.” —Jaden Jarmel-Schneider
WESLEY SCHMIDT, CC ‘22, would like everyone to know that he does not have COVID, probably. If he is coughing, it’s his allergies. He’s incredibly excited for everyone to see The Varsity Show this year, despite the shockingly vile things he has been saying about the show on social media (“the directors should be tried at the Hague”; “this show is why God abandoned us.”)
He was just frustrated that the show isn’t going to be maskless, in person, and interactive like the directors have been promising for months. But Schmidt’s attitude recently toward a corner when the directors added one in-person scene featuring him and special guest J. K. Simmons, For Your Consideration. Indeed, he maintains that V126 is the Shape Of Water of student-written musicals and expects an incredible showing this awards season. Finally, Schmidt would like to ask the audience: is it bullying to name your child Fil? This, he believes, is what America needs to be asking. Contact your local representatives. And if you’re in line at the polls, STAY IN LINE!!!! This isn’t over!! —Gabe Garon GIGI RUSSO’S phone is brimming with ridiculous outtakes of her botching Varsity Show choreography. Russo, BC ‘22, thought that she would move on to something different in college, having been involved in the performing arts since middle school. But don’t be fooled by her Medical Anthropology major: her heart remains in the even less marketable realm of theatre. She fell in love with The Varsity Show as a first-year audience member. Now, far from taking her final bow, Russo splits her time outside of class between The Varsity Show and Bacchantae, Barnard’s premier a capella group, where she enjoys bonding with new members over Among Us after rehearsals. When she isn’t trying to accurately capture every angle of her Varsity Show dances on video, Russo enjoys catching up on movies—especially really bad ones—and baking. —Chloe Kok Portraits by Brooke McCormick & Kat Chen
12
THE BLUE AND WHITE
CAMPUS CHARActers ADAM KLUGE, CC ‘22, has been acting for over eight years, but he has only recently come to grips with how bad theatre kids stink. “Combining the sweat from putting your whole body into this art form and the odors of the dance shoes, costumes, and auditoriums—the experience acquires quite a smell,” he says. Still, “we are not quite as bad as varsity athletes.” Classic olfactory save from a self-proclaimed NARP. Like any theatre kid, Adam isn’t afraid to wax poetic about the finer things the cast shares: “spaces, emotions, illnesses.” Indeed, when rehearsing the show in March, they came down with a case of what they thought was Bronchitis, but what Adam now hypothesizes was COVID-19. No matter if they have the antibodies to prove it. Yet to Adam, there’s something beautiful about the “embracing environment” that allows for this cacophony of bacterial riches. “In my experience, there is something utterly non-judgmental about theatre. It provides people,” and evidently illnesses, “with a home.” —Claire Schweitzer
Unlike the producers’ daughters and LaGuardia alumni in the cast, ERIK LARSSON CC ‘23, owes his Varsity Show debut to his high school trip to Sweden, where, before he even stepped foot on a college campus, he got to “find himself abroad.” Inspired by Swedish renditions of Shakespeare, Larsson took a page from Troy Bolton’s book upon his return home to Colorado and quit his basketball team to pursue the lead role in a musical.
VARSITY 2021
Despite the pandemic putting the kibosh on his first year of college, Larsson’s character in the show has taught him what he would have inevitably discovered on his own: that “everyone wants to be powerful.” Most of all, Larsson hopes The Varsity Show will have the same effect on its virtual audience as it did on his very own NSOP group—that is, to bring a distant group of sweaty young adults together through song, dance, and jokes about the Ivy League. —Nicole Kohut “In acting,” says SAMANTHA SEIFF, CC ’22, “you’re not authentically playing your character if you don’t understand why they’re doing what they’re doing.” Playing Mollie, AJ’s manipulative and self-centered girlfriend, Seiff confronts a perennial thespian problem: how do you do justice to a character that you don’t actually like? A Las Vegas native with a background in Shakespeare and an affinity for classic rock, Seiff expresses a keen interest in the theory, history, and textuality of her artistic pursuits. Yet she speaks about Mollie not as a fictional construct but as a complex human being—one that she is trying, tirelessly yet cautiously, to comprehend. If nothing else, Seiff ’s treatment of acting as an “exercise in empathy” keeps her and those around her from becoming the kind of flippant egotist she’s playing here. —Cy Gilman JOE MEYER, CC ‘23, wants you to know that he is the hottest member of the Varsity Show. “I was chosen to be on the cast because I’m the whole package,” he tells me. Meyer is a triple threat, but 13
CAMPUS CHARActers not in the way you might think. “I have the bushy eyebrows, I have the hair, and the comedic timing”— not the qualities we expected, but the qualities we needed. Instead of blood, Meyer’s veins pump pure, uninhibited talent. He swims, he reads, he loves his mom (shoutout, Vaughan), and a quick 23andMe test reveals that he is mostly Ashkenazi Jew *swoon*. Meyer’s acting resume is stacked with sexy roles— Danny Zuko, Chad from High School Musical, and an ambiguous orphan in a 2007 production of Oliver! Meyer compares his acting style to Emma Stone’s because “we can sing if we need to, and we can dance if we need to.” But don’t worry—Meyer assured me that the Varsity Show is something he needs to do, so we should be in for a pretty good performance. —Lyla Trilling JORDYNN LURIE, SEAS ‘20, graduated from Columbia last spring and still clings to her college glory days via The Varsity Show. Weirdo! She describes her character as “unnnnnghhhhhh pluuuuuffdsghhh, and grrlllrrlllgungly.” Of the characters in the show, she wants to murder Raindrop the most, but ultimately believes herself to be incapable of capital offenses (She’s wrong! Believe in yourself, Jordynn!) Lurie is a firm believer in the power of love, QAnon, and the notion that women can have it all. Past roles you might recognize her from include: . She loves the Grinch (would kiss with tongue), Rudy Giuliani (dying to lick his dripping hair dye), and pizza! She’s so excited for the audience to see this year’s Varsity Show, which, as far as she can tell, is absolutely no different from every other year’s. Lurie found out about the pandemic about two weeks ago (she thought COVID was the name of a Quibi competitor) and still has a lot of questions. —Gabe Garon 14
NAOMI RUBIN, BC ‘23, is a single threat. “I don’t think I’m very good at singing or dancing—actually, it’s more of a fact,” she confesses. Her command of comedic acting on campus can indeed feel menacing. In addition to mastering three Varsity Show roles, she produces more memorable shticks than any Third Wheel troupe-mate. And as Elaine Benes in the Seinfeld episode she wrote for a Jewish comedy class this semester, she rings Jerry’s buzzer with unmatched neurosis. But behind every great satirist is an absurd milieu—as Juvenal had his decadents, Rubin has her classmates. “There are just so many characters on campus,” she grins, citing tour guides, the bottle guy, and pretty much everyone in SEAS. Asked when she decided to make a career of skewering, she doesn’t miss a beat: “early on—could’ve been as early as five years ago.” Did the professional predecessors she rattles off—Radner, Besser, McCarthy, McKinnon—supplicate themselves to the comedy gods mere months after finishing middle school? Who cares? Rubin’s timing is better, anyway. —Sam Needleman
After four years of riffing through Billie Eilish covers and a brief stint as President and Business Manager of Nonsequitur, ETHAN WOO, CC ‘20, still doesn’t consider himself an “a capella bro,” though he did play one on TV (see 14:12 in Season 1, Episode 4 of HBO’s Mrs. Fletcher). Woo’s tenure as a non-a capella bro had an inauspicious start involving a
THE BLUE AND WHITE
CAMPUS CHARActers Jason Mraz song, a voice crack, and a failed joke at his first audition for a Group That Must Not Be Named. Thankfully, this Varsity Show’s recorded, digital format enabled Woo to record his songs until he gets the perfect take. Still, it’s difficult not to reminisce about the old days when Woo could spit on audience members in Roone during his big solo, then wash his hands of it. Of his character, Oliver, Woo quips, “He’s a good guy—which is nice to play because I probably am not.” Woo’s humility does not end there. His Facebook cover photo is a screenshot of an anonymous comment criticizing him for “trying so hard to be an r&b star” at his first Night Market performance in 2017. Maybe your comment about Woo’s performance in V126 can be his next cover photo. —Sophie Poole NATHALIA TAVARES, CC ’23, is a performing artist playing a performance artist, a thoughtful critic of performative activism but a firm believer in performance as activism. Both she and her character regard theatre as fundamentally political: Tavares says it can “serve as a medium between authority and citizens.” But the distinction between Tavares’ on-stage persona and her self-understanding as a performer is critical. For Tavares, the performance artist character’s fatal flaw is the inability to properly listen, leading to a trend-based, shallow, and misguided political display. Political theatre, on the other hand, is but the starting point for a many-sided conversation, enabling a political culture of more substantial commitment and greater empathy. Aiming for a career “creating” somewhere in the entertainment industry, she hopes to add to that conversation by “trying to showcase more untold stories, specifically focusing on BIPOC communities,” and ensuring that “as a Latina...my family and my loved ones continue to be represented on screen.” —Cy Gilman
VARSITY 2021
JERRY ZHENG, CC ‘22, was forced to start piano at the ripe old age of six. At 13, he was ready to throw in the towel, but he stuck with piano because, like so many other kids who’ve strayed from the straight and narrow, he was peer-pressured by theatre kids. He culled the songbooks for oddities and obscurities from Wicked to Les Misérables. Come high school, Zheng stopped playing second fiddle— or, rather, second piano—to the stars and stage, deciding to join their ranks. He was so adamant about stepping into the spotlight that he even quit his beloved swim team: he “quit varsity sports for varsity theatre.” After a gap year at Vanderbilt, Jerry moseyed around Columbia like it was no problemo when, in reality, it was all problemo. Once again, theatre was his denouement: he joined XMAS! and is excited to make his debut as a member of its cooler older brother. —Kat Chen RUSSELL GRAVIET, CC ‘23, is not a typical theatre kid. In fact, he acknowledges the validity of the stereotypes against them: “It’s not unfounded at all that theatre kids are weird.” All that acting can get abrasive; Russell, a proud Nonsequitur member, prefers to sing. He describes theatre kids as often loud and prone to overstepping boundaries, especially during rehearsals, which makes getting through the material a challenge. Still, Graviet displays a dash of sentimentality: “That’s also what makes the theatre community so much fun.” Any words of wisdom? “I’d caution theatre kids try to understand the situation they’re in and let that affect how they behave.” Doesn’t he count himself among them? “No,” he says firmly, then pauses. “But maybe I’m blossoming into one.” —Claire Schweitzer 15
CAMPUS CHARActers
WHO’S WHO IN THE CREW The Hottest Varsity Show Crew Since Rodgers & Hammerstein
JACKIE BALESTRIERI, BC ‘24 (Streaming Effects Coordinator): “Jackie is so honored to be a part of the team! Alongside her training at the Lee Strasberg Young Actors Institute for Theatre and Film, she has performed in over 30 productions and enjoys directing and stage managing. She loves playing the Broadway lottery in her free time. She’s thrilled to see the work of the cast/team come together and looks forward to more Varsity Shows in the future. Until then, rock on.” ALEXIS BUNCICH, CC ‘21 (Editor): “Alexis is so excited to be participating in the first ever virtual Varsity Show as an editor. Finally, an online musical that’s not a bootleg!” CONNIE CAI, BC ’22 (Violin): “Connie is pursuing Music and Education Studies at Barnard and participates in the Lessons Exchange Program at Manhattan School of Music. She was the associate concertmaster of the Bach Society and the assistant second violin principal of the New York Youth Symphony. Last summer, Connie founded ECHO: Musicians Connect (echomusicians.com). Through masterclasses and student-led seminars, ECHO creates a peer-learning space that gathers musicians from different backgrounds and creates communities for innovation and collaboration.” CAROLINE CASSESE, BC ‘22 (Stage Manager): “Caroline is still not so sure what the role of a virtual stage manager is but is glad to have been part of this wonderful team. She was also glad that her dog @ziggypushface could become the star of every team meeting!” KELSEY CHIN, BC ‘22 (Flute): “Hungry flutist craving live shows. Accepting drone deliveries of grapes. Cheers to pit!”
16
STEPHANIE CHOW, CC ‘23 (Guitar): “Stephanie Chow is a sophomore in CC studying Philosophy and Jazz Studies. She loves playing guitar, producing (new music coming soon), coffee, books, boxing, and Ian/Callum’s awesome arrangements! Find her on IG at @steph.fm YAEL COHEN, CC ‘21 (Trumpet): “Yael has played trumpet for the V124 and V126 pits and was the co-composer-lyricist for V125. In her free time, she likes going to Zoom classes, Zoom meetings, and Zoom birthday parties. She can’t get enough of Zoom.” LISA EVSEEVA, CC ’23 (Illustrator, Animator, & Video Editor): “As a former theatre kid—who are we kidding, once a theatre kid, always a theatre kid—Liza is very excited to be participating in The Varsity Show. Although she only dabbles in animation, she’s grateful to have this opportunity to expand her skillset and share her art with the Columbia community. Enjoy the show!” OCTAVIO GALAVIZ, CC ‘21 (Set Designer): “Finally a senior, Octavio is excited to be back at Columbia and working on The Varsity Show. Though they always dreamed of getting to tear down another set in three hours in Roone, they are still excited to see the tradition of The Varsity Show continue virtually.” NAKIRI GALLAGHER-CAVE, CC ’21 (Producer): “Nakiri enjoys receiving her own emails, when2meets, and spreadsheets. While she is of course upset that this show isn’t happening in person, she’s thrilled not to be producing a show in Roone. She is incredibly proud of and eternally grateful for everyone who has stuck with this show, and everyone who has joined the V126 team this semester.”
THE BLUE AND WHITE
CAMPUS CHARActers CY GILMAN, CC ‘22 (Cello): “Cy Gilman plays three musical instruments—the cello, piano, and stuffy nose—and wonders why pit members are getting a bio this year. He also writes for The Blue and White and so may have contributed elsewhere in this playbill; if there’s any bit of writing in this booklet that you like, assume that he wrote it.” REN HUANG, BC ’22 (Artist): “Ren has been trying to find a way to fit “Obsessively Made Hamilton Animatics in High School” on her resume for years. She figured this would be the next best thing.” SOPHIA HOUDAIGUI, BC ‘21 (Director): “Sophia started doing The Varsity Show as a first-year, and is still confused how anyone let her in charge of it. She is so proud of the countless hours the designers, actors, editors, artists, creative team members, and more spent on bringing this production to fruition. She would like to thank her family, friends, and the Ferris pasta station.” JULIA HYMAN, BC ‘22 (Costume Designer): “Julia Hyman is a junior at Barnard who is so excited to be working on this show. She has loved getting to know everyone in the production and is thankful for the friendships she has made. Outside of theatre, Julia enjoys cooking with her friends, going on hikes, and sitting on rooftops in the city.” ANNA KASUN, CC ’24 (Editor): “Anna feels fortunate to have had the unique opportunity to work with such talented, hard-working individuals who, for this production, truly embraced the phrase, “the show must go on.” Anna has loved being a part of the creative team for The 126th Varsity Show, and is looking forward to doing more shows in the next three years!”
VARSITY 2021
CALLUM KISER, CC ’21 (Lyricist): “Callum never wants to go on https://www.rhymezone.com ever again.” TONY KIM, CC ’23 (Saxophone): “Tony is a sophomore from the Boston area studying Neuroscience and Behavior. He has mostly spent this remote semester hibernating with his dog, and occasionally trying out the new beard filters on Zoom.” JOSEPH KURTZ, SEAS ‘21 (Art Director): “Joseph is a senior in SEAS studying Mechanical Engineering. With a mind for problem-solving and a heart for theatre, he’s worked hard this semester with the rest of the amazing C-Team to help transition V126 to an online format! He might have a website where you can see some engineering and design stuff he’s done by the time you see this, so check it out if you’re interested!” KATHERINE LONG, CC ‘21 (Co-Props Master): “This is Katie’s third show helping out with props, after V125 and Legally Blonde. She would like to give a special thanks to Co-Props Master Olivia for all of her help and support in V125 and V126, and hopes you enjoy the show!” MICHAEL MANNASSEH, CC ’23 (Drums): “Michael is a sophomore planning to major in Mathematics. This is his first (and hopefully not last) Varsity Show. He loves pour-over coffee, Boston sports, and NBC TV shows from the ‘90s.” JOEL MEYERS, CC ‘21 (Spell-Checker & Editor): “*You’re.” ORION VAN OSS, CC ‘21 (Sound Designer): “This new format was a challenge for Orion; he’s never done anything like it before and enjoyed the opportunity to experience a different type of sound design! He hopes you enjoy the show!” CHRISTIAN “CHRISPY ” PALOMARES, CC ‘22 (Cast Mom): “Congratulations to all of my cast-children. I’m proud of every single one of you, except the ones who look more like your father.”
CAMPUS CHARActers CORINNE RABBIN-BIRNBAUM, CC ’20 (Writer): “Corinne no longer attends Columbia University. She is currently studying for the MCAT so she can pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a script doctor. Love and thanks to Mom, Dad, Skye, Riya, her fish, the music boys, and everyone who worked to put on this crazy, incredible virtual musical.” CASEY ROGERSON, CC ‘24 (Editor): “Casey Rerson is a first-year in Columbia College planning to study Film and Media. He is so excited to be a part of The Varsity Show!” TY ROWDON, CC ’21 (Production Crew): “Hmmmm. It’s different being on the other side of the curtain for a change.” MATTHEW SIDLER, CC ‘22 (Trumpet): “Matt makes noise by blowing air through a shiny metal tube. He is thankful to be part of the Pandemic Pit!” TIMMY STABLER, CC ‘22 (Bass): “History major and former intramural basketball player. Phone number contains all ten numbers. Is competitive. Plays one video game. Is currently drinking vanilla-flavored beer. Is told that he is a strange texter. Is right-handed.” MEGAN TRACH, BC ‘20 (Clarinet, Flute, & Piccolo,): “Even though she graduated back in May, Megan is clinging to her Barnard experience by playing a variety of woodwinds for The 126th Varsity Show. Being a Flute Performance Master’s student at the New England Conservatory has not yet rivaled the stress of having to record songs two days after receiving the music on clarinet, an instrument that she’s learned entirely by watching YouTube videos, but she wouldn’t have it any other way.” CONNIE TRAN, CC ’24 (Artist): “Connie is from San Marino, a small city near Los Angeles. In her free time, she likes to draw and hang out with her Spotify playlists. She’s a huge fan of the bold and vivid imagery of Takashi Murakami’s work and would love to meet him in person one day.” 18
SOPHIE VISSCHER-LUBINIZKI, BC/ JTS ’21 (Choreographer): “Sophie is exhausted. She is also so proud of her talented and patient cast for enthusiastically approaching every challenge and her team of collaborators. Sophie would like to thank Christine, Lauren, Sophia, Chrispy, Venice, her parents, and all those who supported her through the tears and triumphs of this process! She hopes you enjoy!” MAYA WEED, CC ’22 (Artist): “Maya is a junior studying Theatre and English. She has worked extensively with the Barnard Theatre Department, KCST, and CU Players as a performer and set designer, but this is her first time working with The Varsity Show! Maya is also an illustrator for The Blue and White. Though she misses the campus theatre community dearly, she’s been so amazed by the innovation of her peers this semester and hopes you enjoy the show!” DAVID WINOGRAD, SEAS ‘22 (Saxophone): “David Winograd is a passionate saxophonist from Marlboro, NJ. He is a junior in SEAS studying computer science. David has played at the Grammy Awards as part of the 2018 Grammy Jazz Band! Check out more on his Instagram/TikTok, @davidwinograd.” SARAH XI, CC ‘23 (Artist): “Sarah is a sophomore planning to major in Chemistry. Outside of science, she enjoys drawing, painting, graphic design, and many other forms of art. She also loves to cook, try new foods, and spend time in nature.” IAN YAN, CC’22 (Composer/Music Director): “Ian emerged from his composer cave for the first time in months yesterday. As it turns out, there is a pandemic going on? And what’s that giant bright thing in the sky? If you are an alum looking to hire a scrappy young foreigner to do literally anything, his number is (212) 658-0524 (this is not a joke please he needs a job.)” THE BLUE AND WHITE
thE CONVERSATION LAUGH WITH YOURSELF
Sophia Houdaigui speaks with Sam Needleman about directing the most peculiar Varsity Show in memory. The Blue and White: Not to turn this program into a Haggadah, but why is this Varsity Show different from all other Varsity Shows? Sophia Houdaigui: This year’s Varsity Show is the first Varsity Show in history to be a fully digital production. It’s additionally one of the first since the break between 1960 and 1970 to have not been in either April or May of an academic year. And that is reflective of the fact that when the shift to online learning happened, we had fully conceived an in-person production. The Varsity Show always goes through edits in March after we perform it for our alumni, so we had just done that two days before everything shifted to online learning. And when we went to rewrite the show, it not only meant that we were rewriting the show with their edits in mind, but also having to possibly shift it to an online production. But there was also still a hope at the time that it would be in person in the fall. So that meant that we were kind of in limbo for, I would say, about five months. But I think what’s happened as a result is that we’ve been able to produce a show that is completely different. We’ve been able to work with artists, video editors, people who have never been able to participate in The Varsity Show in the past because there just hasn’t been a role for them. Our team is over 150 people. VARSITY 2021
It is genuinely incredible that all of these artists have been able to collaborate on one production from all these different walks of life at Columbia. So it’s definitely different. I think that it reflects the times that we’re in and is also just a really special show.
B&W: The history of The Varsity Show is a (very enjoyable) Wikipedia page entry, so I won’t ask you about that. But I do want to know, what Varsity Show legacies and traditions have been meaningful for you as a director? SH: I started in the Varsity Show as a first-year in the cast. I’ve been with The Varsity Show since November of my freshman year. One thing Illustration by Rosaline Qi that’s stayed with me is the fact that our alumni are such an important part of our production. Turkey Day has definitely been the thing that’s been the most important to me, where all of our alumni come, and we’re able to sit with them for 12 hours that they take out of their day to watch our production and give us feedback. To see that active participation with our entire network has meant so much. That reminds me of another reason this year’s show is different. We made the decision to not fully rewrite our show after Turkey Day, or when there was a shift to an online production. So it kind of is a time capsule, a reminder of what Columbia was like and what it can be like in the future, which provides an opportunity
19
thE CONVERSATION for students to remember what they miss most about Columbia and what they want to fight for when they come back. And that happens every year—when you satirize the school, people are always going to feel that pull to what the Columbia community means to them. But our cast and crew span continents—we’ve had people in England, in Hong Kong, in California, in Colorado. And the fact that our Columbia has been through Zoom and online classes is something that can feel really alienating, especially for first-years. So I hope that this production offers something not only to those who’ve missed Columbia, but also to those first-years, giving them something to look forward to. I think that’s really special. B&W: You cast the play over a year ago. How did you maintain continuity and community? Theatre kids are capricious enough as it is. SH: One particularly incredible thing is that two of our cast members graduated in the Class of 2020, and we thank them for the time that they put in as working adults. I think what’s been the most important is the fact that when you enter The Varsity Show in any capacity, you are a member for life. It is genuinely something that you’re entrusted with. You’re entering a community of active participation. When we were on campus, our cast spent three hours every single day with us to create the show. And I think that when we shifted, they realized that they didn’t want that time and that investment in our community to go to waste. So I think it’s been about being actively communicative with them and knowing that there’s an end goal that really places them in history. I think that’s been exciting. B&W: Do you think that the collaborative, creative aspect is what ultimately propels them? 20
Oh, absolutely. I think that what is so different about our show from any other college theatre production is that we create our show from scratch. When we cast our show, we don’t have any preconceived ideas of what the plot will be. We don’t have any characters. We cast a show and create it based on the cast. Some of our characters are playing leading roles that were created from scratch around their personalities and what they bring to the table. It’s a collaborative effort from the beginning. B&W: What is it about Columbia that makes the school so great to satirize? SH: I think there are a couple of things. I’m a Barnard student, but I’m about to cite a Columbia College tradition. I think that the Core offers a really fascinating entry point, where it gives everyone who’s a first-year at Columbia College the same kind of identity and schoolwork that is so different from any other college in America. When we make a reference to Aristotle, it’s not lost on any Columbia College student. While Barnard might feel—as I have—a little confused at times, it gives you a central point that no other school can do. I think that the most comparable production is Hasty Pudding at Harvard, and their show isn’t about Harvard. It’s just a production that they create. The Varsity Show used to be something that was just a show that was created by students, not necessarily reflective of Columbia. But I think that shift has happened just because of the proximity of people. Columbia is a really small space. It means that people feel a certain sense of identity and community that you can’t get at large schools. In the past, The Varsity Show has been an opportunity to laugh at oneself. We’re making fun of the Columbia administration, the students, of everything that we can find. I think this year, we THE BLUE AND WHITE
thE CONVERSATION didn’t want people to laugh at themselves, but with each other, especially in a time when things can feel not necessarily community-driven. We wanted it to be something that everyone could rally around. Whether you’ve been a varsity baseball player all four years or a Varsity Show member all four years, it should be something that you actively want to go to this year and watch. And who wouldn’t want to watch themselves? It’s kind of an ego trip. B&W: You’re graduating this year. If you weren’t, would you do it all over again? SH: I would. I was talking about this with Rita Kitt. She was a producer of The Varsity Show in the nineties. Her husband, Tom Kitt, has written a number of musicals, including Next to Normal. She said when she was at Columbia, if you entered The Varsity Show as a freshman, you did it all four years. That was just an expectation. And I think that’s shifted over the last 10 to 15 years— people burn out. It’s a lot of time that you’re spending on a production, especially this year. But I think that the community that you get and the experience that you get and the level of theatre that you’re creating as college students, you never get the opportunity to do that anywhere else. So I would do it again. Kind of thankful I’m not, but I would do it again. B&W: So what’s the best way to watch at home? Any snack suggestions? SH: Absolutely. I mean, you’ve got to have yellow Oreos. I’ve been trying to convince everyone to do this. I think that you should wear your Varsity Show merch, which you can purchase, and they will benefit the Actors Fund! But I think the idea of doing it on January 2 is that you can watch it from the comfort of your home with your family. VARSITY 2021
You know, The Varsity Show always being in New York, being at a time where it’s really stressful for Columbia students—in the past, it’s definitely been an elitist and alienating but also comforting tradition. And this year it’s really just about giving everyone an opportunity to sit down and have a moment to relax and laugh at oneself. I think that’s exciting. This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
Notes from All Around
Director Sophia Houdaigui asks V126 Creative Team members for three words in response to the question, “What is this year’s Varsity Show all about?” Community, belonging, hope. —Caroline Cassese Coming together better. —Nakiri Gallagher-Cave Friendship, empathy, self-betterment. —Callum Kiser Power, ambition, empathy. —Joseph Kurtz Ambition, friendship, privilege. —Corinne Rabbin-Birnbaum Relationships, perseverance, growth. —Sophie Visscher Reflection, connection, kindness. —Ian Yan
21
INVESTIGATIVE SPECIAL
What Made The Varsity Show Different This Year?
The novel Coronavirus, also known as COVID-19, is unheralded, unexpected, and utterly unprecedented. It has upended all of our lives, leaving no aspect of our activities unmolested—indeed, un-upended. In our effort to uncover exactly how up this year’s Varsity Show has been ended, the Editors took it upon themselves to ask cast and crew members to describe in detail both the upping and the ending. What, exactly, made The Varsity Show different this year? To relay the raw reality of our inquiry, we have transcribed the responses below.
“It’s on Zoom.”
22
THE BLUE AND WHITE
AT TWO SWORDS’ LENGTH
IS THIS YOUR FIRST VARSITY SHOW?
In the name of enlightened discourse, two Blue and White writers duke it out.
Affirmative
By Nicole Kohut It’s not that I haven’t wanted to be part of Columbia’s second greatest tradition—right after Battle of the Bands—but they haven’t been ready for my talent until now. At LaGuardia, my star power was so strong that my teachers declared me “unfit for this learning environment.” With only my homeschool-teacher-mom and resumé—I can ride a horse while singing in Portuguese—I beat my own path to stardom. I almost got so many parts—Amy Adams only landed Arrival because I couldn’t reschedule Mykonos. But deep down, I pined for a more fulfilling project. Upon the recommendation of my manager/landlord, I decided I’d do what anyone whose connections will ultimately land them an acting career does–go to an Ivy for a little over a semester. When Columbia deferred me, I asked to join a Veesh production to boost my application—and the show’s quality, of course. In response, I got a “See The Varsity Show” water bottle half-filled with a Four Loko. My mom told me they were intimidated. I think she was right. Enraged, I made a SeekingArrangement profile. Soon enough, Kent was renamed Sugar Daddy With a Dump Truck Ass Library, and I was CC ‘21. At my audition, they asked me what I had prepared. Um, I’m here. Isn’t that enough? The next year, I applied for producer, but was deemed unqualified because I had never “engaged with anyone on campus.” I boycotted those talentless, boneheaded bimbos for good—until I realized the star power of directing an online show. There was only one thing for me to do: booby-trap Sophia Houdaigui. I made my COVID-infested sister cough into a bag, which I then placed inside a jack-in-the-box and sent to Houdaigui’s home. One positive test later, I became Veesh’s saving grace. The online experience has been nothing but fulfilling. I’ve gotten to try my hand at oligarchy while getting to know Olga, my vocal coach who lives downstairs. So come one, come all to The 126th Annual Varsity Show, the work of the girl who would’ve played Fantine in Les Mis if her appendix hadn’t burst the day before shooting.
Illustration by Maya Weed
VARSITY 2021
23
AT TWO SWORDS’ LENGTH
NEGATIVE
By Michael Colton
Illustration by Maya Weed
Good day, dear theatre-goers! Your question strikes me as both charming and entirely foolish. I’ve always heard this magazine is for airheads, though I never would’ve expected such disregard for my resume from so-called fans of theatre. According to my count, the coming program will be my 126th.5th Varsity Show. And by no means will it be my last. For decades, I’ve worked with Columbia’s best and brightest to perfect my craft, and dare I say, we’ve nearly done it. All there’s left to do is reflect. In the inaugural Varsity Show of 1894, Joan of Arc, I drew riotous applause for my rendition of Joan’s eldest cousin, the oafish and unforgettable Doug of Arc, whose catchphrase—“Schooling is for numbskulls!”—remains a cornerstone of campus vernacular to this day. The following year, I returned to the show as a director-turned-director/performer, inserting myself into 80 percent of the second act in an attempt to zhuzh up an otherwise untalented Varsity Show cast. The success of these early performances was enough to draw me back to The Varsity Show for the next several decades, guiding the program through its lows and highs. For example, in 1918, when university prankster Jack Brimley rigged the auditorium ceiling with peepee balloons, it was I, soaking wet, who carried the performance after the rest of the cast and audience threw in the towel. In 1968, when our cast continued performing despite campus-wide protests against the Varsity Show’s institutional affiliations to U.S. Military think-tanks, I was there, on the right side of history. And in 2005, when a young star by the name of Kate McKinnon threatened to steal the show, I provided her with a heaping slice of humble pie during a lopsided duet. You’re welcome. Time and time again, I’ve saved this show—and in 2021, it’s my honor to tell you that this old geezer is not ready to shut up just yet. Stick around for the show and you’ll see just what 125 years of experience can do for an actor; if you don’t see my face, it’s because I haven’t quite figured out this here webcam. 24 THE BLUE AND WHITE
PAYING THE BILLS Acknowledgments
The Houdaigui Family Dean Kromm Josh Lucas Emily Delman Mario Garcia & the Activities Board at Columbia Rita Pietropinto-Kitt & Tom Kitt Allie Emmerich Jess Malcolm The Glicker-Milstein Theatre Ashley Nail & the TIC Ole Mathisen Paul Chang CUPAL Nonsequitur Columbia Musical Theatre Society NOMADS XMAS! The Blue and White Nick Minio, Patrick Blute, & nate Alumni of The Varsity Show
VARSITY 2021
25
PAYING THE BILLS PT. 2 Corporate Sponsors
Disney Plus Enron Theranos Boeing Pod Save America Chasten Buttigieg The Rhodes Scholarship Colin Firth Everyone Who Liked The King’s Speech (2010) Jean Magnano Bollinger New Jersey Holland Lop Breeders Alison Roman Reagan/Bush Presidential Ticket Richard Brody People Who “Don’t Really Have Time for TV” Antonio Gramsci Chasten Buttigieg Erewhon Henrik Ibsen Henrik Ibsen’s Ghosts (1882) Ghost (1990) Spotlight (2015) The Two Popes (2019) Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Interim Provost Ira Katznelson Interim Provost-Elect Mary J. Boyce Dakota Johnson’s Kitchen Zosia Mamet’s Log Cabin The Log Cabin Republicans @quentinquarantino The Graduate School of Arts and Sciences (GSAS)
Illustration by Maya Weed
Seal (singer) Seal (animal) Seal (navy) Columbia Business School - At the Very Center of Business Columbia Private Equity Group (CPEG) Carrier Process Equipment Group (CPEG) Child Psychiatric Epidemiology Group (CPEG) Peggy Carpenter and Joseph Prokopik Environmental Group, Inc., New Kensington, PA (CPEG) Abbas Kiarostami Cy Gilman #workingmomsofpeloton OxiClean (As Seen on TV ) John Grisham’s The Firm (1991) Infinite Jest (1996)
“This is Water” (Kenyon College, 2005) Alpha Epsilon Pi (Iota Chapter) The Stairs Outside of Alpha Epsilon Pi (Iota Chapter) Camp Ramah GOOP - A Modern Lifestyle Brand Welch’s Fruit Snacks John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Jenna Elfman, Giovanni Rabisi, Danny Masterson, Nancy Cartwright, Beck, & Elizabeth Moss Harry Styles’ Vogue cover (December 2020) Warren G. Harding William McKinley High School’s New Directions PragerU The Gravel Teens (hot) Hot Topic Aquaphor
ENJOY THE SHOW! And also read The Blue and White because all the cool kids are doing it and if all the cool kids were jumping off a cliff, would you? Probably, because it would give you the same rush of adrenaline as reading The Blue and White. Also rumor has it that meetings are held inside of Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater, and apparently (you didn’t hear it from me), the Editor-in-Chief writes personalized thank you notes to every new reader.
26
THE BLUE AND WHITE