Ricky

The Guardian recently published an article headlined, ‘100 Ways to Slightly Improve Your Life Without Really Trying’. I’m always up for a slightly improved life without really trying, so of course I accepted the clickbait. Some of the suggestions I was totally down with: “22. Laugh shamelessly at your own jokes;” “17. Don’t be weird about how to stack the dishwasher.” Take that, you know who…

Some were bizarre, though: “85. Don’t get a pet/do get a pet.” “100. For instant cheer, wear yellow.” “28. Always be willing to miss the next train.” (Yes, because nothing slightly improves your life more than missing the train.) Some were self-evident: “89. Politely decline invitations if you don’t want to go.” Some hinted the authors may have psychotic tendencies. “12. Sharpen your knives.”

I did quite like number 15: “Keep your children’s drawings and paintings. Put the best ones in frames.” I liked it mostly because it allowed me to concoct hypothetical household questions such as, “Daddy, why isn’t my painting of the horse in a frame?”

Some I didn’t understand: “38. Sleep with your phone in a different room.” Look, sleeping with your phone is just plain weird, and what benefit you’d get from doing it in a different room I can’t guess. Some offered strangely specific tax advice: “5. Consider going down to four days a week. It’s likely a disproportionate amount of your fifth day’s work is taxed anyway, so you’ll lose way less than a fifth of your take-home pay.” Excuse me, how much less, oh eminently qualified chartered accountant? “WAY” less! Alright then!

And what about number 10? “Always bring ice to house parties (there’s never enough).” I especially like the “always” part. Never mind if the party is a two-hour train ride away and you don’t have an Esky. Never mind if you’re already carrying a fruit salad, a sixpack of beer, a present and a tired toddler. Never mind if the host has specifically requested, “Please don’t bring ice, we have plenty!” You must always bring ice to house parties.

Sometimes the tips raised more questions than they answered. Consider number 14: “Buy a cheap blender and use it to finely chop onions.” Why cheap? If finely chopped onions are such a great way to slightly improve your life, why be such a tight arse? Or number 3: “Tip: the quickest supermarket queue is always behind the fullest trolley (greeting, paying and packing take longer than you think).” I’d be interested to know how long the authors think saying hello and swiping a credit card takes. And that still doesn’t explain their third justification. Surely the person with the fullest trolley would have the most packing to do? Am I missing something?

The article got me thinking about what my own tips would be to slightly improve your life without really trying. I would go with, “Don’t hang up on scam callers. Keep them talking for as long as it takes to get them to swear at you in at least two languages.” And “Looking for ways to avoid doing work? Go to the kitchen and try to replicate the McDonald’s Big Mac sauce. Keep trying until you get it exactly right.” And, “Buy a plant. Think you’ll kill it? Buy a fake one.” Confession time: that last one actually came from The Guardian article (number 41). Where does the truth end and satire start? Sometimes it’s hard to tell.

The point of all this is not to mock someone else’s ideas about how to slightly improve your life without really trying. Maybe the whole thing was satirical? I hope so. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to learn the name of 10 trees, call an old friend out of the blue, sing, skinny-dip with friends, thank a teacher who changed my life…the list goes on. And on.

Ricky is a writer, musician and self-help guru.