Beestonian Marketplace For ALL your local needs!

Chest freezer.

Jumper with great big hole cut out of the front. Not very practical but definitely eyecatching. £2. Call Keith on 0115 785478

Labour-saving device.

Contraption that will ensure a swift birth and also make Keir Starmer electable. £45. Call Alistair on 0115 327748

Manuel manual.

Instructions on how to operate inept waiter from popular 1970s sitcom. £34. Call Basil on 0115 379643

After 8 mince. Delicious wafer-thin square slices of ground beef, in their own little greaseproof paper sleeves. £4 per box. Call Jamie on 0115 246434

Open Mike Night.

Far too open. Mike overshares his personal problems all evening. Call Mike on 0115 318766 for details

Dictator.

Spud shaped like a phallus. £2. Call Keith on 0115 785 478

Look at what you could have won. It's a speedboat! £101 or more. Call Jim on 0115 965388

Recurring nightmare.

One where you haven't done any revision for an exam and then all your pens stop working. Will exchange for a dream about big friendly bear that digs up buried treasure. Call Julie on 0115 876689

Hot dogs.

Pair of lurchers that have been lying too close to the fire. Call Barrie or Dilys on 0115 887643

Arnold and Kimberley mugs. Collection only from Burton Joyce. £1 each. Call Bert and Joyce 0115 789446

Baby bouncer. Has full SIA door supervisor licence. Only 7 months old but hard as nails. Call Gavin on 0115 463468

Collection of vintage jazz magazines.

Well thumbed. Lots of genres, including scat. £2. Call Keith on 0115 785478

Car boot sale. Ridiculously early on a Sunday morning. Why can't it start in the afternoon so I can enjoy a lie in? Don’t call Sarah on 0115 743880 until the afternoon

Coarse fisherman.

Never stops effing and blinding, and leering at passing women. Will swap for kind old gentle fly fisher. Call JR on 0115 743785

Bank holiday?

Why not spend a long weekend in a branch of Barclays? Call Polly on 0115 642774

Pool balls. Smell/taste quite chloriney, hence £2 the pair. Call Keith on 0115 785478

Carrier bag full of old phone chargers.

About 10 to 25 years old. Simply can't bear to part with them, so they aren't for sale. Don't call Sarah on 0115 743880

Traffic jam.

Seedless. Tastes of diesel fumes. £5 per jar. Call Jeremy on 0115 386768

Baked Alaska. Just out of the oven. Needs eating quickly. Call Sharon on 0115 239896 any time after 8pm next Tuesday

Peg bag. HRH Prince William design. £5. Call Keith on 0115 785478

Jet packs.

I thought we'd all be riding about on them by now. Never mind eh? Call Terri on 0115 437896

Man size tissues.

6 foot x 3 foot 2 ply sheets. £6 each. Call Andre on 0115 372668

Stopcock.

Ideal treatment for overly frisky husbands. Contains Bromine. £3 per tablet. Call Keith on 0115 785478

High Viz.

Popular adult comic, needs retrieving from the top of my wardrobe. £7. Call Simon on 0115 965854

Take That CD. Have it. Please. Just grab it and leave. Call Robbie on 0115 376554

Dusk.

Quite foreboding. Will swap for morning, preferably if it includes birds tweeting. Call Dawn on 0115 644585

Old fashioned Quality Street tin. A big metal one that puts those little plastic modern tubs to shame. Contains fart from 1982. £4. Call Rose on 0115 356597

You wait ages and then 3 come at once. Not at our parties. Adults only. Call Keith on 0115 785478

Copper coppers. Models of policemen made from partially melted 2 pence pieces. Exactly as bad as they sound. 46p. Call Robert on 0115 254674

Cat litter.

Unravelled ball of string, feathers, half a mouse. £4 the lot. Call Tom on 0115 326753

Bath salt. With matching pepper. Ideal seasoning gift for those who like to eat and bathe at the same time. Also sponge cake for afters. Call Cleo on 0115 878646

Ring pieces. Various fixings and fittings, including plenty of those clasp bits that hold jewels in place. Call Keith on 0115 785478

Corn Flakes. Plus other shavings, scrapings, clippings and general detritus from local chiropodist. £3 per bag. Call Stacey on 0115 473654

Disappointing packed lunch. Sliced brown bread marmalade sandwiches, raspberry yoghurt and an apple. Will swap for Mighty White stuffed with wafer thin ham, bag of Frazzles and can of Tango. Call Colin on 0115 337438

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