The Beast - May 2016

Beast the

The Monthly Magazine for Sydney's Beaches of the East • May 2016

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Welcome to May 2016... Prepare to Hibernate Words Dan & James Hutton Picture Jeremy Greive

W

elcome to the May 2016 edition of the Beast – the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East.

It’s the last month of autumn and things are cooling down a bit (weather-wise, that is – we don’t know about your love life). It’s time to start dragging out the Uggies and the lumpy cardigans, and getting ready to hibernate.

May is the month when we begin to transition into our Netflix-loving, hot chocolate-drinking selves, so we applaud anyone who resists the pull of temptation and continues with their outdoor exercise regimes.

It’s people like you that make the world go round, and come summer we’ll be wishing we followed your lead. Hey, at least our sloppy rigs will make you look even more attractive by comparison, right?

If you’re committed to being one of those impressive, healthy

people, then you’ll be looking forward to the SMH Half Marathon on May 15. It’s a great opportunity to improve your fitness and contribute to a good cause. If you’re more of a walker than a runner, perhaps the Mother’s Day Classic

on May 8 is more your style – while it’s technically a ‘fun run and walk’, let’s face it, most contestants are walking. And all proceeds go to breast cancer research, which is awesome.

In the mag this month we take a quick peek at the Bondi Pavilion plans, look into an interesting proposal for a mountain bike track at Malabar Headland, and share a story about the discovery of an old surfboard that found its way back to its original owner after thirty years in the wilderness.

For our cover this month, we’ve changed things up a bit. After over eleven years of featuring celebrity types on the hallowed front page, we decided to give a plug to a regular Joe who is doing something extraordinary for the community. Mal Ward isn’t a celebrity, but through his charity, Forever Johnno, he tirelessly gives back, year in, year out, and as such he is on the cover this month.

We hope you enjoy reading Mal’s story, as well as the rest of the May edition of The Beast.

Cheers, Dan and James

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10 The Beast | May 2016

Contents

The Beast • May 2016 • Issue 136 8 11 12 14 22 24 26 28 29 49 50

Welcome Note Contents Pearls of Wisdom Monthly Mailbag Local Bloke Local Chick Thumbs & Dogs Local News Beastpop I Beastpop II Calendar

Bronte's beautiful palms, by Ann Flynn.

52 60 61 62 64 66 67 68 70 72 74

Interview Rupert’s Rant Beastpop III Local Wildlife Fish ‘n’ Tips Aquatic Wildlife Tide Chart Street Style Unreliable Guide QTips Travel Bug

76 78 80 82 84 85 86 88 96 98 98

Enviro News This Sporting Life Sexy Time Local Photos Reviews Arts Bits Bandage Food & Wine Trivial Trivia Beardy From Hell Trivia Solutions

Yum.

Sugar Too Sweet for the Taxman’s Tongue Words Pearl Bullivant Picture Sam Reid

T

he British government is set to introduce a sugar levy on soft drinks, having been shamed into action by celebrity chef Jamie Oliver. Knowing Australia’s love affair with Jamie Oliver and our passion for anything anti-sugar, you would think that our government would harness popular opinion and follow Britain’s lead. But, alas, pig trotters (in Worcestershire sauce) may fly.

Australians may be obsessed with celebrity chefs, but our government is even more obsessed with putting the wealth of large corporations before the health of our nation as a whole. A sugar tax? How terribly unAustralian!

Admitting that soft drink companies contribute to obesity is like admitting mining corporations contribute to global warming; it’s a no-go zone for the government.

So when the Australian Medical Association raised the possibility of a sugar levy it was only natural for the Minister for Trade and Investment, Steven Ciobo, to evasively announce that he is “not a fan of the tax”, while the “evidence based and informed” spokesperson for the Australian Beverages

12 The Beast | May 2016

Council, Geoff Parker, complained to the media that the tax “is yet another step in the wrong direction to end the global obesity epidemic” and that “beverage consumption is a personal choice, not a revenue raiser”.

Geoff Parker would say that, wouldn’t he? What the hell did the media expect? Why did they seek the opinion of the Australian Beverages Council knowing that their utterances would be biased?

It’s like Lang Hancock boasting to the media that the asbestos from his Pilbara mine was so safe that he could eat it.

Instead of providing soft drink companies with free publicity for the sake of ‘balanced reporting’, why wasn’t the Sydney Morning Herald hounding them with the famed ‘Fairfax-style’ of investigative journalism? Instead of paying lip service to soft drink companies, why weren’t they uncovering the unpalatable truth about these insidious beverages?

And why doesn’t the Minister for Trade and Investment have the guts to admit he is protecting soft drink multinationals instead of the

lame response of “I’m not a fan”?

Why doesn’t he have the gumption to display ‘absolute integrity’ (alluded to on his website) and follow the lead of the NSW Liberal MLC who openly admitted that the Baird government’s anti-protest laws were designed to protect “the financial welfare of the mining industry”? This admission may have made us squirm (not that I’ve detected any outrage from the apathetic masses over his statement), but at least the dude is being honest.

So Geoff Parker, of the dubiously named Australian Beverages Council, Pearl Bullivant is asking the hard-hitting questions that the Fairfax press was too terrified to ask: What the hell is the right direction to ending global obesity?

And was Coca-Cola a beverage of “personal choice” for the Mexican people when it was being forced upon them due to a coincidental lack of bottled drinking water?

My beverage of choice is gin. It is taxed to buggery, but at least it has health benefits; your revolting stuff has none. Admit the health consequences and pay the tax!

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The Beast's Monthly Mailbag

Words The people of the Eastern Beaches Illustrations Dalton Wills Bondi Pavilion Revamp I have submitted numerous commentaries concerning the works to Bondi Pavilion. I have also attended meetings to hear the views of Council, the public, and the specialists. I have viewed the proposed plans.

My primary view, which has not altered over time, is that the proposals do not rely on an overarching vision, and this is leading to a highly compromised proposal, which alienates most of the stakeholders. It is also clear to me that the public feels highly disenfranchised by the current proposals.

I do not believe that the two sets of needs are at odds with each other, and I believe that a solution that maximises both objectives is possible.

It appears to me that the present ‘solution’ is largely an attempt to satisfy various piecemeal objectives, and is largely failing on all counts, and of course the brief is critical in formulating any outcome.

Bondi Pavilion is really a tripartite entity. It has a strong relationship with the local population, it is a Waverley Council icon and responsibility, and it remains a substantial New South Wales and Australian destination, which ‘belongs’ to the big picture.

Unless all three of these stakeholders are properly incorporated in the solutions, there will be conflicts and a dilution of any quality solution.

1. Big Picture Objective My view is that Bondi Pavilion must have a ‘mission statement’ and my prior suggestion is that the Pavilion becomes a social, musical, entertain-

14 The Beast | May 2016

ment and activity focus, which is receptive to the three stakeholders above. On any given weekend, there should be a festival, a market, an event, a concert… something that encompasses attractions for both locals and the important tourism sector.

With current technology, it would be easy to establish an audio/video stream to the Internet to have events broadcast throughout the world, with the ‘Bondi’ brand being invaluable.

There should be financial and broader support from the New South Wales Government, and New South Wales Tourism, and not a sole reliance on ‘user pays’ funding and council subsidies.

There should be a vibrant nightlife in Bondi, such as a more sophisticated nightclub showcasing national and international acts. I have often heard from tourists that they are so disappointed that iconic Bondi has virtually no international evening drawcard such as this. There is parking, which could be made free later in the evening to facilitate patronage.

2. Conservation I am an architect, with long-standing connections to heritage and conservation principles. Some years ago I was the architect for the upgrades to historic ‘Brougham’ in Woollahra.

Virtually any project in a conservation domain will require a balance of ongoing usage versus conservation.

Unfortunately, these can be at odds, but I do believe that the Bondi Pavilion should follow a set of principles.

Although much loved, the building has been altered considerably

over its lifetime. Not all of the building has high conservation values, and in reality, not particularly ‘high’ values (as an intact building may have). The cost of preservation and conservation is very high with the stringency of regulations that now exist.

I propose that it is not money well spent in attempting to preserve and conserve many of the elements of the Pavilion. For most people, the iconic colonnades, and a number of the external elements, are really the most significant, and this should form the focus of the conservation elements.

Beyond that, I see little merit in conservation and restoration as such, unless it forms an important part of the matrix of the upgrade.

In the late 1950s there was uproar when a tram shed on Bennelong Point was slated for demolition.

There is little doubt that the replacement building brought a wealth of cultural and financial benefit to Sydney and Australia.

Bondi Pavilion, although iconic, stands at a crossroad between cultural and financial benefits and pure conservation. There is a timely and historic point in time where visionary decisions could be made, or a grand opportunity lost. At present, I see the latter as prevailing.

3. Community The community has strongly voiced its needs, with a number of principles emerging, including the need to preserve small flexible spaces for classes, meetings, etc; the need to be inclusive and not exclusive for the majority of access locations in the Pavilion; the need to supply specialist spaces in the Pavilion, in particular, music and performance rooms, for both rehearsal and for presentations.

Many children progress their creative trajectories via the facilities offered by the Pavilion.

I propose that these objectives are not difficult to fulfill, and that there is significant crossover in the broader needs for performance spaces. The community has made it clear (and the present restaurant lessee has reinforced) that there is a need for more informal usage patterns, rather than fine dining or private function rooms, which are well catered for elsewhere.

Equally, function rooms are highly flexible spaces that can be used for a multiplicity of events, particularly if sub-divisible.

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4. Design flaws A number of design flaws flow from the factors already mentioned, however, one that appears highly dysfunctional to me is that the current plan proposes the establishment of outdoor landscaped zones within the courtyard areas. I find this to be a significant flaw in the proposal.

The council has spent significant sums in the upgrade to the huge appurtenant landscaped areas of the beach. Further landscaped areas are not needed. The walled area should be developed to supply purpose built activity zones, such as markets, concerts, film festivals and events, with careful consideration to indoor/ outdoor convertibility and the ability to hold a cross-section of functions under a variety of weather conditions.

To supply a new landscaped courtyard, particularly with large trees, will limit and define activities in a most unfortunate and obstructive way.

Conclusions The present design strongly suggests a desire to please a diverse audience, but in reality, alienates almost all parties. This is not because some of the usage elements are poorly targeted, rather, the execution is not well considered, and lacks a holistic focus.

The need for an overarching view is essential, as this will clarify the brief, and there is not a great disconnect between community use and a larger appeal to national and

16 The Beast | May 2016

international users. The high tourism stakes also will provide a significant opportunity for revenue based activities for the council, in a much more meaningful way than, say, the mere renting out of a restaurant or function room.

The focus will become having a skilled and engaged management team that can properly drive ‘the Ferrari’ (which the Pavilion could be) rather than leasing out a clapped out ute now and again. This can leverage Council revenues, which can go towards the community subsidies that are still vitally needed.

There should be a shift from extensive conservation values to supplying a far more relevant building that can serve into the future rather than preserving a rather variable past.

Gary Kurzer Bondi Bondi Pavilion Revamp a Ruse In 1932 in Bondi, a new open-air auditorium - "Australia's greatest open-air theatre" - opened to the public. Where in Bondi, you ask?

The proscenium arch at the rear of Bondi Pavilion, that's where. In 2016, heritage architects, under instruction from Waverley Council, have decreed that it should now become the main entrance to the Pavilion (getting rid of the existing open-air theatre - bye bye Flickerfest).

If this seems like a non sequitur, that's because it is. Council's GM

Cathy Henderson tells us that this has nothing to do with the proposed underground car park that was so resoundingly rejected by the local community in their last round of consultation.

Why have it then? To create a wind tunnel? To improve access to the convenience store at the top of the hill?

No, Council don't want us to join the dots here, but this is all about setting up the infrastructure for an underground car park at Bondi Beach.

Andrew Worssam Bondi Bondi Pavilion Downgrade The 'upgrade' project of Bondi Pavilion is on the nose. If anyone looks at the Waverley Council website there will be information there which is misleading... at best. The claims of how many square metres of community space there is currently is open to 'interpretation'. There is existing community space, which is not represented in their reckoning on the website, creating a false illusion of how much community space there currently is. As can be seen the proposed spaces are primarily for 'tenants'.

All the so-called community space for their proposed plans is of a 'multi-purpose' nature so that there could never be any dedicated rooms for specific endeavours, such

as pottery, music recording, dance, etc. These things cannot happen in one multi-purpose space. Imagine having to remove the pottery wheels and clay so the capoeira group can come and train? Or break down a music/recording studio for dancers and children's playgroups. It's utterly absurd. And the theatre? No dressing rooms, no bar. This is not a theatre.

It is a multi-purpose function room.

Perhaps you could put on a school pageant, but it won't be a proper theatre, plus it will have less capacity than our current theatre. You really have to read between the lines on this one.

What is now open space - courtyard, amphitheatre and basketball courts - within the walls of the Pavilion will be filled in with more buildings. Oh, and don't forget the water feature. I would have thought the ocean was a pretty good water feature. The irony of claiming that Queen Elizabeth Drive needs to have more open space (justification for the ill advised underground car park) and then to fill in the space in the courtyard of the Pavilion is just too rich.

Against a groundswell of extremely negative public opinion, the council of Mayor Sally Betts has seen fit to try and rush through this $38 million dollar bulldozer, and all for what and whom?

It is both the way in which this has been gone about as well as the plans themselves that have caused the outcry.

Twice now major decisions and deadlines are falling in the middle of school holidays (first over Christmas and summer break, and now over the impending school break), which is no coincidence. It is clear Council is banking on people being distracted, going out of town, organising their families, etc.

Bondi Pavilion is unique in this land. Of course it is iconic. Clearly it’s on a piece of choice real estate.

But that is not why it is important to this community. It has served as our gathering spot for decades, where people of all kinds of backgrounds and interests, cultures and abilities, ages and skills, have enriched their lives through participation. That is what makes community. There are precious few spaces anywhere anymore. We mustn’t sell out the last true community space we have.

Tina Harris Bondi

Monarchy and Murdochracy In a letter to the Southern Courier (Feb 16, 2016), Adam Krslovic writes, “the British have treated Australia with respect and integrity”. From a historical perspective this might be problematic as a brief look into history will show. Even before Captain Cook reached Botany Bay, one of his sailors died. Perhaps the treatment of sailors on British ships included too many respectful but harsh working conditions, topped up with rotten food and stinky water, and spiced up by the whip, as the ‘Mutiny of the Bounty’ shows.

Coming onshore, the full respect of the British was also given to the original people of Australia, when Aboriginals were treated under the hallucinogenic ideology of ‘terra nullius’.

They were respectfully derecognised as flora and fauna – the empty country.

Meanwhile British respect was served to the unwanted surplus labour back home, shipping them half way around the world, often in shackles

and leg-irons – with British respect!

And naturally the British admiralty always treated Australian soldiers fighting their wars with respect and integrity as the movie and book ‘Shoot Straight You Bastards!’ shows, as well as the target practicing of Turkish troops in Gallipoli where Australians briefly occupied a beach only to get shot one by one until they left with no military gain for those who had sent them there with respect – the British admiralty.

More recently British respect also extended to putting up signs in English language that Aboriginals could not read in Britain’s atom bomb testing areas in Australia. Their radioactive dead bodies – men, children, women, entire families – were bulldozed into the ground – with respect and integrity.

But the respect even extends to the Queen herself hardly ever bothering to turn up on the official Queen’s Birthday in Australia. Virtually the

May 2016 | The Beast 17

same applies to Europe’s longestterm unemployed person – Prince Charles – waiting since seventy years for his job to come up.

Finally, even I received a lot of respect from the Oxford educated British upper class when telling them, “I am going to Australia.” Their reply was: “What do you want there? There is nothing; only sheep and kangaroos.”

Perhaps after all that it is more than time to say goodbye to a nation that treated Australia with disrespect and resentment. After putting up with this for over 200 years, it is time to become a republic.

The original letter to the editor was submitted to the Southern Courier but was not printed. As I had many letters in the Southern Courier, the Daily Telegraph, the Sydney Morning Herald, The Beast, the City Hub, and the Bulletin, over time a certain pattern emerged with the Southern Courier. There is slight suspicion that anything critical and against the ruling elite isn’t published. Perhaps this is how propaganda works: one prints letters in support of the monarchy and eliminates critique (see above).

The picture that emerges to the unsuspecting mind is that the British monarchy has been good to us.

This is in a country where the Murdoch Press owns 70% of all newspapers, including the Southern Courier. Perhaps it has something to do with the owner of the newspaper liking the monarchy! One of Australia’s most eminent journalists, John Pilger, calls it Murdochracy, because it is neither the truth that emerges nor a free and frank exchange of ideas. The cards are stacked. The democratic public domain has been downgraded to a playground for one man’s whims, likes (the monarchy) and dislikes (the republic). Thankfully, there are still a few independent and critical journals and magazines left with the backbone to stand up.

Thomas Klikauer Coogee I Don't Like Plastic Bags Dear Editor - It’s always good to read an alternative point of view ('I Like Plastic Bags', The Beast, Letters, April 2016) and the author is correct that the original article didn't clarify it meant plastic 'shopping' bags.

The Blue Bondi Green initiative, as a community sustainability project, is trying to reduce the number of

18 The Beast | May 2016

single-use, fossil fuel-derived plastic shopping bags handed out for free by Waverley retailers each year.

Whilst the original article was necessarily brief, there are many reasons to say 'no thank you' to these shopping bags. With more than 10 million plastic bags used across Australia each day, over 18% of the litter found around Waverley each year is plastic, with a fair proportion of that being plastic bags.

Whereas bottles or containers may float when washed into the ocean, plastic bags may clog drains, release toxic additives such as plasticisers and antimicrobials into the environment as they break down, and harm or kill marine life such as turtles or dolphins.

A recent study of over 370 marine autopsies found that one in three leatherback sea turtles have plastic in their stomach, most often a plastic bag.

It was good to see the letter's author list all the ways in which he reused plastic shopping bags, as reducing demand, reusing where possible and otherwise recycling are all great goals. But the letter's takehome message was that the author wanted a continued source of free fossil fuel-derived materials to throw into landfill, rather than taking the time, effort or money to source economically, socially or environmentally preferable solutions. That's a shame, because there are so many degradable, biodegradable, starch-based, paper, cloth or calico alternatives. If bags

must be thrown into landfill, it's far better that they biodegrade quickly and easily than contaminate the ground for many years.

And it's always interesting to see the words “feel-good, green, left-wing, dictatorial agenda” in a letter; usually these words are only used by bigoted, ageing zealots found somewhere to the right of Oswald Mosley on the political spectrum, but I wouldn't be so judgmental to take such a wild stab in the dark without getting to know someone, or the long-term improvements they hope to see for their community.

Robin Mellon Bondi Plastic Bags Aren't the Problem Plastic bags from supermarkets are the perfect rubbish-bin liners for little bins in bathrooms and kitchens. Plus they can be scrunched up in a ball and easily stored and re-used for countless other needs, i.e. wet cossies in the car and keeping other things dry.

Our area should declare war on PET (plastic) bottles and those humans who don't dispose of them correctly or leave the air in them, hence they blow and often float away or clog the bins.

Overall, the worst litterers seem to be many McDonald’s consumers, Coke drinkers and other plastic bottle users. Plus, of course, many smokers. Please wake up!

Dimitri Clovelly

Plastic Not Fantastic I was left speechless by Peter Kingston's letter about plastic bags. So I am sending a pic of a turtle about to swallow a plastic bag instead of getting into a slanging match with Mr Kingston. All he has to do is Google 'turtle with plastic bag' to find some pretty sickening pictures of turtles dying or dead from mistaking plastic bags for jellyfish. He could also get himself down to Bondi Beach early one evening and help my sister pick up all the plastic crap along the shoreline. This is after Council has cleaned the beach every morning.

J. Ebner Bronte ‘Sea Life’ Still Gets Murdered Dear Beast - It must have seemed like a great idea to Dan Trotter and his mates - over the third or fourth bottle of red - to rebrand ‘seafood as ‘sea life’. But if you're really going to pay respect to the awesomeness of fish, then how about just leaving ‘sea life’ in the f**king ocean? You can't have your (fish) cake and eat it too: you're either a carnivore preying on marine life, or you're not. Lecturing people on "love of the ocean and the animals that live in it" and then going out and hooking those animals in the mouth before killing/gutting/eating them seems like the height of hypocrisy.

Sian Melmont Bondi Sea Life, Sustainability, Understanding and Conservation Dear Sian - Thank you for your letter.

It is great that you also share a strong passion for life in the ocean. I love your conviction, but not so much your black and white view of the world.

Upon reading your letter I can only assume that you must be a vegan and that none of the plants that you eat come from land that was clearfelled for agriculture.

Is this the case? Are you a herbivore who eats only wild grown plants, fruits and vegetables that you have foraged yourself from the earth?

As this is impossible in the modern Eastern Suburbs world we live in, I feel I can safely assume that this is not the way you live your life. Apologies if I am wrong.

All pokes aside, I’d like to keep this discussion open and honest.

I hear your thoughts and would wholeheartedly agree if I didn’t want

20 The Beast | May 2016

to eat sea life, but I love eating fish, molluscs and shellfish fresh from the ocean. I also feel very strongly that eating sea life and having a strong connection and the utmost respect for all living things are not mutually exclusive – is this what you feel?

In all my years of spending time on and in the ocean and out in the bush, I have found that it is most often the people who engage in sustainable ‘take’ practices such as fishing and ‘catching’ sea life who are the most in tune with the natural cycles of life, and also the most passionate custodians, protectors and educators of the very ecosystems they take from.

I appreciate that you may not like that we can see the world in ‘fifty shades of grey’, and that education and awareness of where our food is coming from is central to the future conservation efforts in the oceans. But you cannot ignore the fact that education and awareness are the only things that can change the future plight of the oceans and the life within them.

Remember that most people have become removed from the fact that the sashimi, fish fillets or prawns they are eating come from the wild and not from a packet. Awareness is essential to any hope of maintaining any level of biodiversity in the oceans.

Please also understand that my little suggestion that people be aware they are consuming ‘life’ is a simple small step towards this.

Lastly, I’d like to point out that I only eat what I catch. I do not purchase commercially caught sea life, I do not order sea life in restaurants and I believe my efforts to only eat

sustainable sea life are about as good as anyone can ever hope for.

If you still feel that my comments and actions place me at the height of hypocrisy, and that attempting to make more people aware of where their seafood comes from is also hypocritical, then I’d like to hear more from you. Perhaps we can even have a live-streamed panel discussion on Facebook? I’d love that!

Dan Trotter Bondi Anzac Day Your recent article ‘Get Pissed and Play Two-Up Day’ (page 63, The Beast, April 2016) brings to mind how commercialised Anzac Day has become. The races are on and we are reminded to bet responsibly, the pubs put on two-up because it sucks the crowd in and sporting events are on because it's a day off.

I'm a 93 year-old WW2 veteran and Anzac Day means a lot to me. I catch up with old mates - there are not many left these days - and I also catch up with Vietnam vets. Yes, I probably have a few drinks too many, but I meet some wonderful people in the pubs who congratulate me and want to talk about Anzac Day. There are some a-holes around though. Last year my young Vietnam vet mates decided I'd had enough and grabbed me a taxi. Unbeknown to me, they had given the cab driver $50 to take me home to Clovelly, but when I got there and asked how much the fare was, the driver charged me $30 - what a scumbag! I even had my red beret and medals on so he knew I was a vet.

Incidentally, the crowds watching the march are up - so many people want to high-five me and it gives me the impression that they do care and they are mindful of what Anzac Day is all about.

Don Grenville Clovelly Council Restrictions Nothing New Most old people will tell you history repeats itself. You know the classic Victoria Bitter poster with the surfing man? It looks quite ordinary, but the backstory is something else.

The man on the board is one of the Hilton brothers, long time members of North Bondi Surf Club. His name is Bill Hilton. There is another poster of a bloke drying himself with a towel. That one is Jim Hilton.

In the early 1930s, while wearing exactly the same swimming trunks, the Hilton brothers were thrown off Bondi Beach for breaching Council regulations. Unbelievably, this was done by their good friend, Beach Inspector Aub Laidlaw. A stickler for regulations, he did this because they were not covered up to the armpits back and front, and the side measurements for the lower half of their costumes were not the regulation 12 inches (that’s 30cm) at the sides. Aub measured them.

Fashions first altered in Melbourne in 1938, when the bottom half only became acceptable. There is a famous Sam Hood photo of several young men on Bondi Beach laughing and staring at Cyril McShine’s daring backless - that’s right, backless - costume. That was in 1932 when wearing such gear was considered daring and scandalous.

Bill Hilton’s late widow, Laurel, a pioneer woman member of the North Bondi club, told me the story.

John Ruffels Bondi Fixed Easter, Please Dear Beast - Your columnist, Rupert Truscott-Hughes, rightly points out the slovenliness of the purported ‘religious leaders’, who are still dithering over a fixed date for marking Christ's crucifixion. This might explain the confusion in our supermarket chains, where Christmas decorations and Easter buns are thoughtfully available for only three months of the year.

John Ruffels Bondi

Waverley Council a Joke Dear James and Dan - I really enjoyed the two-page satire spread (page 42-43, The Beast, April 2016).

It was good to see Waverley Council joining in the fun. The Mayor's Message on ‘local government reform’ was a classic. After three years of promoting a Woollahra/Waverley/Randwick merger with a token community consultation at the last minute, the mayor now says that amalgamation won't make a difference: "Our commitment to our community and the delivery of our services will remain the same, whatever the makeup of the future Council." Brilliant.

Anonymous Bondi You Can’t Be Serious Dear Beast - I laughed when I finished Anna Cook's tenth commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Not Take Life Too Seriously’ (Letters, The Beast, April 2016). She clearly hadn't been following her own advice as she crafted the first nine!

I propose we make ‘Thou Shalt Not Take Life Too Seriously’ the one commandment for living in the east.

I'm a relatively recent arrival to this wonderful, beautiful, and inspiring area. I’m too busy loving the beaches to worry about who wears trackies to Westfield or Yummy Mummies.

Anyone else feel the same way?

Caleb Coogee Dump the Speed Bumps Hi there - I would like to complain about the three speed bumps that the council has installed at each of the exits of Eastgate car park (in Bondi Junction). These are placed after you have been through the ticket barrier.

They are hideous! I have a bad back and after bumping over those things it certainly didn't help matters. God help you if you're at the beginning or the end of a pregnancy, aged, disabled, or have a young baby or active kids. It’s a real shake, rattle and roll experience.

I have written to Waverley Council and basically they have said 'tough'.

They are there as a deterrent to speeding or inconsiderate drivers, and to protect pedestrians who don't look!

Whilst I understand the reasoning behind applying a slowing down system and agree that a deterrent should be in place if this is causing accidents, three speed bumps is a bit

over the top. I think they need to look at alternatives, or cut it down to one speed bump. I'm grumpy.

Sharon Tucker Randwick Bondi Junction Apartments' Close Encounter To the Editor of The Beast - High-rise apartment blocks in Bondi Junction are being built far too close to each other: some are almost touching! In some parts, there appears to be only a 6cm gap between the old and the new buildings. One new black building is sitting right on the balcony of the older one next to it. This confirms Bondi Junction is really f***ed. Bring on some sense Randwick, and take this Council’s development over ASAP. Michael Lakeman Bronte Too Many Licences Always enjoy Kieran Blake's take on the stupidities of the day. They say all great satire is close to the truth, so you will be glad to know that all surf patrol IRB drivers are meant to have a licence on them at all times while operating on the water.

Brent Jackson Bondi

The Beast Publisher The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 www.thebeast.com.au

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Advertising Enquiries advertising@thebeast.com.au www.thebeast.com.au/advertise Circulation 61,000 copies of The Beast are distributed every month.

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Letters To The Editor Please email your feedback to letters@thebeast.com.au.

May 2016 | The Beast 21

A very well-dressed and sophisticated young man.

Local Bloke... Greg Bishop from Bondi Interview James Hutton Picture Grant Brooks

W

hen Bondi local Greg Bishop isn’t saving backpackers from treacherous rips, removing cats from trees or pulling fair maidens from burning buildings, he’s finding home buyers and owners the best rates for their mortgages. The man better known as ‘Bisho’ shares his local favourites with The Beast…

How long have you lived here?

I’ve never lived anywhere other than Bondi. My biggest move has been from North Bondi to South Bondi where I now live, and even that was hard to handle!

What's your favourite beach? North Bondi in a north-east wind, South Bondi at 3-4 foot on a high tide when it’s overcast so there’s no one around, Mackenzies on a low tide when there’s sand there, and Tama when it’s flat with no board riders.

What's your favourite eatery? The Nine for breakfast, Shuk for lunch and Mum’s place for dinner.

22 The Beast | May 2016

Where do you like to have a drink? Panama House, Tin Pin Bakery or Birichina for coffee.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? Being born and bred Bondi, I can’t not love my Roosters!

What music are you into at the moment? I’m pretty diverse with my music. I like my R&B, hip hop, and after years in the lifeguard tower with old H-Man, I even like a little jazz too.

Who is your favourite person?

My girlfriend Vanessa is pretty damn good; she must be to put up with me.

What do you get up to on the weekends? They’re usually spent at the beach, one way or another.

If I’m not working there as a lifeguard or surfing, I am running the soft sand at Bondi or swimming around at Mackenzies with Vanessa.

What do you do for work? I am mortgage broking from Monday to Friday for a company called Shore Financial. I’ve also been working casually as a lifeguard down at Bondi for 16 years now, and I am also a fire fighter at the Bondi station.

What's your favourite thing about work? I’ve invested in property over the last 20 years. Mortgage broking allows me to help people buy property, which is really rewarding. I enjoy helping the community too, whether it is getting a backpacker out of a rip on the beach, or a pulling someone out of a burning building.

Do you have a favourite quote?

“To err is human, but to forgive is divine.” I’m not sure who said that first – ha ha!

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Never be afraid to try something different; it’s healthy to get out of your comfort zone every now and then.

Samantha will make you hot again.

Local Chick... Samantha Barakat Light from Clovelly Interview James Hutton Picture Grant Brooks

S

amantha Barakat Light lives in Clovelly and runs Body Catalyst, a fat reduction and bodysculpting clinic in Bondi Junction.

She shares her local favourites with The Beast…

How long have you lived here?

My husband and I have lived here for two and a half years.

What's your favourite beach?

Bronte Beach. I love the surf, the four palm trees that line the southern street, and the vast grassy area for long, lazy beach days.

What's your favourite eatery?

Nomad in Surry Hills. The suckling pig is off the hook and for the slightly more adventurous the wagyu tongue is very, well, untongue-like.

Where do you like to have a drink? I work right next to Spring St Social in Bondi Junction, so I love escaping there for a drink. The

24 The Beast | May 2016

cocktails are wacky but tasty and you can’t beat live music.

fat reduction, cellulite treatments and skin tightening.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? Cheer, cheer the red and the white - I’m a massive Swannies fan!

What's your favourite thing about work? I love helping our clients reach their body goals. The majority of our clients eat well and exercise often, yet find it difficult to shed the last couple of kilos or return back to their pre-baby bodies after birth. Our fat reduction and skin tightening treatments help give their bodies the extra boost they need, which in turn increases their confidence.

What music are you into at the moment? Fractures, the XX, Tame Impala and Chet Faker.

Who is your favourite person? My husband Alex, who is everything I’m not.

What do you get up to on the weekends? Work, dinners, beach, barbecues. Once a month we also escape up or down the coast for a bit of beach action and R&R. What do you do for work? I own a fat reduction and body-sculpting clinic in Bondi Junction called Body Catalyst. We use the latest in non-surgical technologies to help people achieve their body goals -

Do you have a favourite quote?

“Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.” - C.S. Lewis.

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? From someone who was born in the 1930s and has far more wisdom than I do: “I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn’t get better. You get better.” - Joan Rivers.

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Thumbs Up MOTORHOMES – We can see why the Yanks love these big thumping hotel rooms on wheels. There really is no better way to travel.

CHANGE – For the best part of eleven years we’ve been throwing celebrity types on The Beast cover.

Not this month. Enjoy the holiday.

SKYSCANNER – If you’re looking to book flights, look no further. We’re a bit late to the party here, but how good is the Skyscanner app?!

MUD RUNS – We always thought Tough Mudder/ Spartan type races were a massive wank. We were wrong. Fun, fun and more muddy fun.

ANTIHISTAMINES – These wonderful drugs make pulling the winter wardrobe out of storage a bit more bearable for allergy sufferers like us.

Thumbs Down THE BRONTE BROLLIES – We don’t mind the idea in theory (shade is good), but $22K for umbrellas that can’t be opened is an absolute joke.

SLOW STARTS – The Roosters lost their first five games of the NRL season, all but ruining their chances of making the top eight come season’s end.

CENTENNIAL PARK SLOW COACHES – The speed limit is already a super slow 30km/h, but drivers persist in going even slower. Frustrating!

SEX HEADACHES – Just when you’re about to get to the good bit – BOOM – a splitting headache comes from nowhere and ruins everything.

RAT INFESTATIONS – Ever had rats take up residence in your roof space then proceed to bust through the ceiling of your lounge room?

26 The Beast | May 2016

Christine is a sweet, cuddly girl who is very social with other dogs. She is easy to handle, though timid when you pick her up. She would do best in a calm, quiet environment as she can chase her tail if she gets stressed. She has a smooth coat and weighs a tiny 4.5kg. She comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Her adoption cost is $400, which includes a free health and wellness voucher for the Doggie Rescue Vet. Give Doggie Rescue a call on 9486 3133, email monika@doggierescue.com or visit the website at www.doggierescue.com.

Penny Age 12 months Sex Female Breed Great Dane X Shepherd Weight 30kg Penny is an active, affectionate girl. She is a big pooch who is learning not to jump up on people with love and excitement. She loves pats and cuddles. Penny prefers jogging to walking, but is a bit reactive on lead when passing other dogs. She has a short coat.

She comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped. Her adoption cost is $400, which includes a free health and wellness voucher for the Doggie Rescue Vet. Give Doggie Rescue a call on 9486 3133, email monika@doggierescue.com or visit the website at www.doggierescue.com.

Bam & Pebbles Age 1 year Sex Female Breed Chihuahua x Weight 3.9kg and 2.9kg Bam and Pebbles are sisters who love each other and want to stay together. They are very social and affectionate with other dogs, but can be a touch shy with people. They came from the pound covered in ringworm, but this has all cleared. They comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free and microchipped.

Their adoption cost is $400, which includes a free health and wellness voucher for the Doggie Rescue Vet. For further details, give Doggie Rescue a call on 9486 3133, email monika@doggierescue.com or visit the website at www.doggierescue.com.

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Better than a stupid firing range.

Malabar Headland Mountain Bike Track Proposal Gains Traction Words Madeleine Gray Picture Luke Spokes

M

alabar Headland is contested land. Technically, most of it currently belongs to the Commonwealth of Australia. In early 2015, a furore erupted as it was revealed that the Liberal government was considering selling the land to private developers for profit.

After immense backlash, Federal Environment Minister Greg Hunt was quick to refute the veracity of this revelation, and stated in clear terms that Malabar Headland will not be sold or developed and “will remain public land forever”.

Since that time, the Commonwealth has been progressively remediating sections (“Lots”) of the headland, and transferring ownership of them to the NSW State Government. The Commonwealth had promised that approximately 70 hectares of land would be transferred and gazetted as national park.

At present, only Lot 102, which is approximately 17 hectares in size and located on the western side of the headland, has been transferred, although Lot 202 (approximately 70 hectares), on the eastern section of the headland, was remediated in 2012 to national park standards.

28 The Beast | May 2016

None of the land is yet available for public use or access and Labor Member for Kingsford Smith Matt Thistlethwaite still has his doubts about the current Liberal government’s intentions.

“There remain serious doubts that the Liberal government is committed to opening up the headland for public use,” he said.

And now, like an innocent flower peeping out from the smog of governmental uncertainty, 16-year-old Maroubra resident Matt Gerrard has started a Change.org petition to construct a mountain biking trail on Malabar Headland, which has already garnered 612 signatures. He isn’t interested in party politics; he just thinks that a mountain bike trail along the headland is a good idea.

According to Mr Gerrard, a Randwick City Council flyer prompted him to start the petition.

“I recently saw leaflets advertising plans to eventually open a walking track around the eastern coastal perimeter of Malabar Headland,” he said. “I decided that this would be as good an opportunity as any to rally the council and government to plan the construc-

tion of a mountain biking trail on the site.”

Mr Gerrard said that the desire of the Eastern Suburbs mountain biking community to have a purpose-built track at Malabar stemmed from the fact that the closest tracks currently lie some distance away on the Northern Beaches, in the Blue Mountains and down towards the Royal National Park.

He also conveyed a concern that without a purpose-built trail, illegal trail building may occur and pose a threat to the natural environment.

While Mr Thistlethwaite didn’t confirm his support for the mountain bike track proposal, he didn’t write it off either, instead emphasising his commitment to seeing the headland returned to the people.

“There is certainly room on the headland for a mountain bike track,” he said. “I’m committed to seeing the headland returned to our community for use and enjoyment as a public open space and national park.”

Whether either of these hopes will come to fruition is now in the State Government’s hands.

Do you think Malabar Headland is a good place for a mountain bike trail?

Words & Pictures Madeleine Gray

Charlie, Clovelly

Charlotte, Rose Bay

Yes, because there is nothing for mountain biking around here. I don’t really know about the headland but I do know that a trail in the east would be good.

Lucy, Vaucluse

I literally have no idea, but, like, yeah? I guess a headland sounds like a nice place for a bike trail, though. Pretty intuitive, right?

Maxim, Bondi

Yes, I think that it’s a fabulous idea. The headland isn’t being used for anything else, so why not make it fit for healthy community activities like biking?

Yes, because the closest one is in Manly or the national park that is like 45 minutes away. We need something closer in the Eastern Suburbs.

Jordan, Maroubra Yeah, I reckon so. I don’t bike, but I have some mates who do and they’re always complaining about there not being enough trails around here.

Claude, Maroubra I suppose it would, but it would also be good to have just walking trails and places where people can have picnics, relax and hang out.

May 2016 | The Beast 29

Back in the day.

What’s Up With Bondi Pavilion?

Words Madeleine Gray Picture Waverley Library

B

ondi Pavilion is, and always has been, a site that has many stakeholders with many competing interests. It should come as no surprise, then, that Waverley Council’s $38 million Bondi Pavilion Upgrade and Conservation Project has caused consternation among the local community.

It is rather difficult to conceive what exactly the project’s design entails, simply because Waverley Council’s website does not have one cohesive, comprehensive document that outlines this. The simplest thing to do seems to be to compare the current floor plan with the one that is now proposed.

Upon first glance, it is clear that many community spaces are getting the axe. The 550-seater outdoor amphitheatre (used by Flickerfest, Ben & Jerry’s Open Air Cinema, etc.) will go. Many community rooms, such as the High Tide Room, Ocean Room and Seagull Room will also be lost. The first floor purpose built theatre, refurbished in 2008 at a cost of $350,000, is also to be removed, and replaced with a ‘restaurant/café/meeting space’.

The music rooms on the ground floor will also get the boot.

30 The Beast | May 2016

So what is there to gain? The numbers proffered by Council suggest that overall this ‘restoration’ will result in more ‘community space’ and less ‘commercial space’.

Waverley Mayor Sally Betts has said that the loss of the amphitheatre and current theatre will be remedied by the construction of a new multi-function/theatre space on the ground floor. The space between the building and Campbell Parade is to be pedestrianised and the number of female toilets will be doubled.

Council has framed the removal of the first floor community rooms in a positive light, claiming that they may still be used for that purpose. The thing is, they may also be used for commercial purposes instead: “the rooms upstairs… [will be reinstated for] possible future use as restaurants, cafes, or meeting rooms.” Which will it be, though? It is inconsistencies such as these that have irritated many locals.

Furthermore, despite assurances from Council that an underground car park will not be part of the plan, many residents seem unconvinced.

“More thorough consultation with the Bondi community and interested parties is essential, ” Murray Cox, spokesperson for ‘Friends of Bondi Pavilion’ said.

Former local Labor MP Paul Pearce went one step further, insisting, “the whole scheme is simply a privatisation by stealth.”

Cr. Betts responded, calling out Labor and the Greens for misleading the public.

“The claims by the Greens and Labor regarding Council’s plans to conserve and upgrade our beloved Bondi Pavilion are completely incorrect and misleading,” she said.

“It is disappointing that over the years Labor has approved terrible additions to the Pavilion and even now is showing so little respect to the heritage issues of the building.

“We take our role in looking after the iconic building seriously.

We know the grand old lady needs a lot of love to restore her to her former beauty.”

Politicisation aside, it seems likely that the current revamp plan will get the go ahead. Whether this is good or not is another question entirely.

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Bits & Pieces from Around the Beaches...

Words Madeleine Gray Picture Faina Strier

Bondi Wins Masters Championships Bondi Surf Bathers Life Saving Club has once again proved its mettle, this time by taking home the highest overall point score in the 2016 NSW Surf Life Saving Masters Championships. Even sweeter is the fact that they held off beach rivals North Bondi and defending champions Queenscliff in a thrilling end to a tight and highly competitive day. Masters Captain Gary Emmerton particularly praised the over 40s, saying, “They’ve had some time off and had a family and are now moving back into competition and are still extremely skilled athletes.”

Keep Coogee Beach Clean Randwick City Council is inspiring beachgoers to keep Coogee Beach clean with a creative antilitter education campaign titled ‘Love this scene, let’s keep it clean’.

How’s that for keeping up with the youths? The campaign uses signage on bins, banners, pavement decals, and even fun comic characters to deliver its message. So come on

Full moon in Centennial Park.

everyone, stop being so trashy, and put your exposed butts in the bin.

For more information, head on over to www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

New All-Weather Sports Field Sick of having to bounce your tennis ball against the garage wall for fun? You’re in luck. A new all-weather community sports field that will attract 40,000 people a year has been officially opened in Centennial Parklands and has been welcomed as an important step in addressing a shortage crisis of inner-city playing space. The field has been designed to meet NRL, AFL, ARU and FIFA standards, as well as sports like ultimate frisbee, gridiron, hurling, netball and cricket. Get going, playas!

Puppy Love Do you love ridiculously adorable doggies, but just cannot have one of your own because of rental rules, time or money? That’s so ruff ! Thanks to the Internet and the literally genius folks behind dogshare.com.au, though, you can now sign up to doggy-sit whenever

your puppy-loving heart desires.

If you are a dog owner, and you’re sometimes too time-poor to give your dog the love it deserves, this is perfect for you too. The site works like a dating app: you make a profile and then connect to other pooch pals in your area. Check it out and change your life. Visit www.dogshare.com.au.

Queens Park Touch Applications Now Open Applications are now open for the Queens Park Touch Football Association’s winter competitions on Sunday mornings at Queens Park and under lights at Heffron Park’s grass fields on Monday and Wednesday nights and on the new synthetic fields on Tuesday and Thursday nights. Queens Park Touch is now entering its 40th year and with over $10,000 in prize money on offer, you’d be a fool to miss out. For more info or to register a team, give Jim Squadrito a call on 0409 307 607, email queensparktouch@hotmail.com or visit the association's website at www.queensparktouch.com.au.

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May 2016 | The Beast 33

The boys with their toys.

What Goes Around Comes Around Words Dan Hutton Picture Bill Morris

E

ver wondered what happens to your old surfboards once you’ve done away with them? No? Neither have I really, and this article isn’t about recycling old surfboards or the damage that flagrantly disposed fibreglass can have on the environment. No, this is a feel good story - a message in a bottle tale, if you will.

Late last year, during Waverley Council’s annual clean-up, when the local verges become home to decrepit couches, mouldy microwaves and worn-out washing machines, Bronte resident and avid surfer Stefan Szczepanski stumbled across a diamond in the rough.

Out on the street, poking up through the rubble and ready to be whisked off to the nearest waste processing facility was a Gordon & Smith swallowtail surfboard in surprisingly good condition.

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, as they say, and Mr Szczepanski could not believe his luck.

“I like looking around for old

34 The Beast | May 2016

20th century relics and saw the distinctly coloured nose of an old board sticking up amongst some junk on the street,” Mr Szczepanski said. “It was caked in wax and grease but underneath all that it was in surprisingly good condition.”

At the time of the discovery, Mr Szczepanski’s daughter Bella took to Facebook to share his boyish excitement.

“He found a 35-year-old surfboard in the bin and came home like a five-year-old on Christmas morning,” she posted, alongside a photo of her grinning father.

The remarkable story does not end there. After seeing a photo of Stefan and his retro classic on Facebook, the wife of fellow Bronte surfer Bill Morris immediately recognised the old craft and alerted her husband to the discovery.

“I didn’t realise that it was an old board of mine, but my wife was adamant,” Mr Morris said. “As it turns out, it was a board of mine

from 30 years ago, one I had some good contest results on, the one I was riding when I first met my wife down the beach and the one I rode in some of the best waves at Padang Padang I’ve ever surfed.”

After word got back to Mr Szczepanski about the history of his discovery, he knew there was only one thing to do.

“After I found out that it was Billy’s board from back in the day, I knew I couldn’t keep it,” he said.

“If it had been an old favourite board of mine I definitely would’ve wanted the chance to get it back in the quiver, so I gave him a call and told him I wanted him to have it back.”

Needless to say, Mr Morris was more than happy to accept the offering.

“It was a pretty crazy moment for me and it's hard to explain how much that gesture meant,” he said.

“I thank him from the bottom of my heart. It's now going straight to the pool room!”

All in a day's work.

Locals Take Coogee Clean-up Into Their Own Hands Words Madeleine Gray Picture Dan Hutton

I

n the Eastern Suburbs, we are incredibly lucky to have easy access to many of the world’s most charming bays and glistening waters. The problem is that when you’ve got a hot natural commodity like we do, litter and pollution come with the territory. Caught up in the majesty of sunburn, sausage sizzles and cold beers, people forget that the crap they leave on the shore will stay there until it is washed out to sea, or someone makes a conscious and concerted effort to pick it up.

Cameron Kite, a Coogee local and manager of Randwick restaurant The Spanish Fly, has become increasingly aware of this cognitive dissonance in beach-goers. As such, he and two fabulous backpackers who also work at the restaurant, Charlotte Warner and Dani Myers, have decided to get their hands dirty and clean the beach themselves.

On Saturday, March 12, Kite, Warner and Myers spent four 36 The Beast | May 2016

hours attempting to clean as much rubbish as they could off Coogee Beach. The result was startling. In that short time, over one thousand cigarette butts were picked up.

Mr Kite and his friends decided that this was not okay, and that more action was needed. They now plan to make the cleaning initiative “bigger each week”. Every Saturday from 9am to 12pm, you can join these three legends in picking up rubbish and making the beach cleaner and safer for everyone. At around midday, all the rubbish collected will be displayed in boxes so that passers-by are reminded of what too often lies forgotten in the sand.

Mr Kite will also be using fun incentives to inspire others to volunteer their time. “We will be giving away free beer to the first 24 people to collect 20 pieces of rubbish and anyone after that will receive a voucher for a free beer at the Spanish Fly,” he said.

Local cleaning company Talk Dirty will also be donating discount vouchers – all electronically, of course, so that no excess rubbish is produced.

More innovations are in the pipeline. There is a Facebook page coming. There are hopes to turn rubbish into art. Signs will be placed at either end of the beach encouraging visitors to pick up two pieces of rubbish before they leave.

Mr Kite has also been in contact with Randwick City Council with an interesting request to help illustrate the local litter problem.

“I’ve asked that Council clean only half the beach and grass, to show people what it's like when no one is picking up after them,” he said.

If this were the case, which side of the beach would you like to sit on? Exactly. Now head down to Coogee this weekend, get cleaning, and make the local beaches and bays a better place for everyone.

More Bits & Pieces from Around the Beaches...

Words Madeleine Gray Picture Brad Bessant - @10ftkaos

Finders Keepers The Finders Keepers Markets returns to the Australian Technology Park in Everleigh once again this year to delight us with a huge range of locally and nationally produced innovative fashion, hand-crafted ceramics, letterpress stationary, bespoke leather goods, terrariums and more. Need a gift for your man-bunned mate, your Manuka-loving mum, or your insignia-obsessed bestie? Look no further! Finders Keepers Markets is on April 29, 30, and May 1. Visit www.thefinderskeepers.com for more details.

Australia's Biggest Morning Tea Want to satiate your sweet tooth and help those affected by cancer at the same time? On May 26, Australia’s Biggest Morning Tea returns to offices, friendship groups and clubs around the country. This year the Cancer Council hopes to recruit over 11,500 morning tea hosts and raise over $4.8 million across the state for vital cancer research, prevention, information and support, and

Fins out at Maroubra.

advocacy services. All you have to do is register to host at www.biggestmorningtea.com.au, set a date in May or June, and invite away!

Is Sport Racist?

The Sydney Writer’s Festival is on this month, and its program is chock-a-block with inspiring and thought-provoking events. Gloria Steinem’s talk is an obvious choice, but another event we think is definitely worth going to is ‘Sport: The Great Distractor?’ This is to be a panel discussion on the systemic racial and cultural tensions that plague Australian sport today. It’s a conversation we need to be having, and it’s taking place from 10–11am on Thursday, May 19 at Pier 4/5 in Walsh Bay. Grab your tickets at www.roslynpackertheatre.com.au.

Compost for Clovelly Child Care Clovelly Child Care Centre is changing the way we think about waste and recycling, starting with the next generation. The centre has worm farms, chooks and rabbits for scraps, but they want to take the next step and get a big compost

machine to gobble up 10kg of food waste and paper towels a day. You can help them on this worthy quest by contributing to their crowdfunding campaign at www.chuffed. org/project/compost-shack.

They’ve also made a ridiculously cute video explaining their vision featuring numerous adorable kids.

Find the NSW 2000 Breast cancer claims the lives of more than 900 NSW women each year, yet over 400,000 women haven’t had their recommended screening mammogram in the past two years. Newly released figures from BreastScreen NSW show that if each of these women were to have their mammogram, more than 2000 would be found to have breast cancer. ‘FIND the NSW 2000’ is the new campaign urging women aged 50-74 to book their free mammogram, so that these cancers can be found in their earliest stages when the chances of successful treatment are highest.

No referrals necessary; simply call 13 20 50 to book a free screening mammogram.

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Specialist orthodontics in a caring environment May 2016 | The Beast 39

Local Lass Finds Herself Up Shit Creek Words Dan Hutton

W

Nice work Dave!

Warm-Hearted Café Owner Calls For Blanket Donations Words and Picture Dan Hutton

W

inter is only one month away and the temperatures are already on the wane in our little corner of the world. While most of us are fortunate enough to be able to pull the trackies and Ugg boots out of storage, dust off the gas heater and switch over to the winter doona, achieving warmth is no walk in the park for those living on the streets.

With the goal of helping those in need stay warm this winter, Coogee businessman Dave Martin is calling on Eastern Suburbs locals to drop blankets, doonas, jackets, jumpers and warm socks into his Coogee Bay Road cafe, Courtyard, which will be donated to the homeless via the good burghers at Bondi’s Chapel by the Sea. “It’s going to be a cold winter and I hate seeing people in need suffering, particularly when some relatively small actions on behalf of the people who are lucky enough to call this area home could do something to relieve that suffering,” Mr Martin said.

40 The Beast | May 2016

Mr Martin credited his role as a father as being a big inspiration behind the campaign.

“Since becoming a dad a few years ago I’ve become far more compassionate, and with that I’ve felt really passionate about giving something back,” he said.

“Recently my son Henry saw a homeless guy on the street and he said to me, ‘Daddy, that man looks hungry; can we buy him something to eat?’ We bought him some food and it really made his day.

“The innocent eyes of children seem to see things in a different way to us world weary adults and I think that we can all take something from that.

“I hate to think about homeless people shivering through the night and if there’s anything I can do to help I will.”

Mr Martin stressed that all goods donated should be in reasonable condition. He will be accepting donations up until June 1.

hile many locals may know her as the receptionist at The Wright Physio, the bar chick at the old Bronte RSL or the waitress at Randwick Rugby Club, Coogee actress Alex Stamell is about to make a name for herself in a new role as Alisha, a strait-laced Eastern Suburbs school girl gone bad, in a recently released crowdfunded web series called Shit Creek.

The eight episode series follows the story of two brothers who inherit a debt to the mob after their small time crook father kicks the bucket in a freak accident at the pub. They've got six weeks to cough up a hundred grand or they'll find themselves without their favourite appendages, courtesy of a psychopathic gun-for-hire and a pair of rusty hedge clippers.

The series is produced by Sundown Picturehouse, the founders of which, having encountered the difficulties of the Australian film industry after graduating from NIDA, AFTRS and UNSW, decided to take things into their own hands to create a piece of work that is full of energy and originality on a budget of less than $10,000.

Shit Creek explores the extremes an individual will go to to protect themselves from harm, and how many others they're willing to hurt along the way. With an all-star cast including the lovely Miss Stamell, you’d be silly not to check it out. To see what everyone's talking about, please visit www.shitcreekbysundown.com.

It’s budget time! It’s that time of year when organisations start to finalise their 2016–17 annual budgets and we have been busily working away to ensure Randwick Council maintains its strong position and continues tradition of a disciplined and controlled approach to financial management.

As Mayor of Randwick I am focused on looking forward, maintaining our high standard of service and more importantly, giving back to you, our community.

Even in a time of great change for the local government sector, Randwick Council has delivered a balanced budget with high quality, professional services and projects and no borrowings.

The 2016–17 budget includes an increased spend of $34.2 million on capital works which is a new record for Council. Highlights include: • construction of new men’s, women’s • building an outdoor exercise circuit at Chifley Sports Reserve and accessible toilets, change rooms and showers at Coogee Beach • extension of the Coastal Walkway through Malabar Headland to • building new amenities at Mahon connect South Maroubra and Pool in Maroubra Malabar Beaches.

• construction of new synthetic playing fields at Latham Park, Maroubra The budget will be on public display in the Administration Building and on Council’s website from the 1-31 May 2016.

Councillor Noel D’Souza Mayor of Randwick @randwickmayor

1 May

4 May

7 May

International Permaculture Day

Creating Eco Schools & Services

Your Brain Matters Presentation

11 May

13 May

21 May

Fred Hollows Reserve Bushcare

Jazzgroove Mothership Orchestra and James Muller

Bike Maintenance

2:30pm-5pm Randwick Sustainability Hub

9am-1pm Bligh Street end of the Reserve

6pm-8:30pm Runs for 6 Wednesday nights Randwick Community Centre

7pm-8pm Randwick Town Hall

11am-12:30pm Randwick Town Hall

1:30pm-4:30pm Randwick Community Centre

1300 722 542 council@randwick.nsw.gov.au www.randwick.nsw.gov.au PHOTO: ARTIST IMPRESSION OF NEW COOGEE AMENITIES

Don't be number 5.

New Signs Set to Shock Local Fishermen Words Kate Myers Picture Dan Hutton

R

ock fishing is a popular yet undeniably dangerous pastime, prevalent along the coastline of a number of suburbs in Sydney’s east. In the past decade alone, 17 people have been killed whilst fishing from these rocky outcrops, most notably at La Perouse and Malabar.

In response to the increasing number of injuries and fatalities, Randwick Council has been installing bright red ‘shock’ signs at a number of identified black spots.

The signs will feature a prominent skull and cross bones symbol, along with a death ‘scoreboard’ to warn fishing groups of the potential dangers of continuing to fish in these areas.

Randwick Mayor Noel D’Souza believes the ‘shock’ signs will deter rock fishers, but admits they were a last resort.

“Despite the ongoing warnings and education campaigns, people continue to die from rock fishing,” Cr D’Souza said.

“This is a dangerous pastime

42 The Beast | May 2016

and it is enormously sad to think of the pain and anguish that the families of the 17 men who died while rock fishing in our area must be going through, even to this day.”

Former Randwick Mayor Tony Bowen initiated the plan, conducting a survey of local rock fishers in 2013. The survey found that 42% of respondents were unaware that there had been fatalities where they were fishing, and when shown a sample of the proposed signs, 62% admitted it would change their behaviour.

“Education is the key,” Cr D’Souza said. “Our research shows that once people are aware of the dangers, they are likely to modify their behaviour by fishing a different ledge, changing their approach, wearing a life jacket, being more cautious or perhaps not fishing that day.”

Malcolm Poole, NSW Recreational Fishing Alliance Safety Officer, said the decision to install the signs was necessary to ensure the safety of rock fishers.

“Hopefully anglers will take note of these new signs and modify their behavior, putting their safety first when fishing,” Mr Poole said.

“Rock fishers should be aware that if the coastal rock platforms look unsafe, the swell sloppy, unpredictable and dangerous looking, then there are safer fishing locations in and around La Perouse, Bare Island and Botany Bay.” Marion Stirrat, a longtime Maroubra resident and fishing enthusiast, said the dangers of rock fishing were evident to anybody familiar with the sport.

“More signs are definitely needed in the areas where rock fishers seem to go, but they need to be in multiple languages to account for the presence of tourists in the local fishing community,” Mrs Stirrat said.

It is hoped the introduction of the ‘shock’ signs will act as a reminder of the very real tragedies that have occurred along our coastline, and warn of the risks involved in this increasingly popular hobby.

MAYOR‘S MESSAGE Second Nature, I’m In Thank you to everyone who attended the Second Nature launch in early April at Bondi Beach. We had a great response from the community, with over 200 people making their pledges as to how they’re making sustainability second nature.

Council has ambitious environmental targets for the whole of our community to reduce waste, increase recycling, cut carbon emissions and water consumption, improve the uptake of sustainable transport and look after our wildlife. We want to make sure these targets are achieved by introducing simple, everyday actions.

We would love all residents to get involved and make sustainability integral to the way we live and to business. You can make your pledge online at secondnature.org.au.

The Global Table If you are out and about on Sunday 1 May, please stop by Oxford Street Mall for our annual Global Table event. If you have not heard about it before, the Global Table is our cultural extravaganza of food, entertainment and dance from around the world.

It is a celebration of the differences that unite us.

There will be food stalls representing 12 countries and cultures, and you will be able to sit at our 35-metre-long community table and chat to new and old friends.

I hope to see you there!

Sally Betts, Mayor of Waverley CUSTOMER SERVICE CENTRE 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction NSW 2022 PO Box 9, Bondi Junction NSW 1355 PHONE 9083 8000 WEB waverley.nsw.gov.au

Events In conversation with Helen O’Neill Thursday 21 April, 6.30–8pm Waverley Library Free, bookings essential Join award-winning, bestselling author and widely published journalist Helen O’Neill as she introduces her new book Daffodil, Biography of a flower. The story of the beautiful first flower of spring, the inspiration of poets, a treasure-trove to scientists and a symbol of everything from unrequited love, rebirth, eternal life and misfortune.

Ticket registration is free via eventbrite.com.au or call 9083 8777.

Meet the Author: Ken Done Wed 27 April, 6.30pm Bondi Pavilion Theatre On the glistening shores that he captures so well, join artist Ken Done as he discusses his impressionistic and exuberant memoir, Ken Done: A Life Coloured In. Grab a signature cocktail from the Ken Done pop-up bar from 6pm, don your best Done-inspired outfit and settle in for a night with the man behind the brush.

Free, bookings essential via eventbrite.com.au.

For more event info visit our website waverley.nsw.gov.au.

Connect with us:

Even More Bits & Pieces from Around the Beaches...

Words Madeleine Gray Picture Taylor Wong - @twongphotography

World Laughter Day at Bondi Beach Get along to the first ever World Laughter Day celebration at Bondi Pavilion on Sunday, May 1 from 12-2pm. World Laughter Day is an annual international celebration of laughter for health, happiness and peace. You will explore and experience the benefits of laughter through laughter yoga, team games, a laughter meditation, guided relaxation and the chance to drink, laugh and mingle with other laughter lovers. Visit www.laughandlivewell.com for more information and to book.

Making Shit Sexy Move over paleo, green smoothies and bone broth, a new kid in town is set to create the next ‘movement’ in health. Coogee locals Nemara Hennigan and Dara Donnelly plan to make shit happen all across Australia with the recent successful release of the PROPPR. From now on when you use the bathroom this classy piece of furniture will allow you to PROP your feet up, getting you into the PROPPR alignment, for a PROPPR release.

Benefits and puns are endless!

Check out www.pozible.com/ project/204342.

Carpool for Busy Parents Too busy to pick up the kids? Ziip has launched a carpooling service for kids called Rydhero. Rydhero is a community based transport service for busy parents who are struggling to pick up and drop off kids to school and sporting activities. All of their drivers are background checked, have ‘Working With Children’ checks, and have been handpicked. They work with schools and sports clubs to make sure kids never miss out on games and practices. Genius! Go to www.rydhero.com.au for more information.

Wallaby to Trek for Charity Mental and physical toughness is not something new to Wallaby legend Owen Finegan, and it’s this endurance that Owen will be tapping into when trekking the Kokoda Trail for the Kids’ Cancer Project this May. “I’m walking the trail to help kids with cancer by fundraising for vital medical research,” Owen said. Owen said Kokoda in Papua New Guinea holds a special place for many Australians. To show your support, visit kokodatrek2016.everydayhero.com/au/OwensTrek4ACure and make a donation.

Bondi's autumn skies.

Maroubra Community Meeting Maroubra Sports Club is a rad multi-purpose space in the heart of Maroubra, and at 4:30pm on Sunday, May 1 the Maroubra community invites local business owners and residents to get on down to the club and see what’s on offer in this thriving suburb, whilst enjoying drinks, early dinner, and conversation with councillors and special guests. To register your interest, email Melissa at maroubracommunity2035@gmail.com.

World Environment Day Each year, communities across the planet celebrate World Environment Day early in June as a way of focusing attention on the importance of our natural environment.

This year, Randwick City Council is celebrating all things sustainable and environmental on World Environment Day, with a bit of a twist.

Get along to Randwick Community Centre at 6pm on June 1 to see music, dance and presentations that show how different cultures and religions celebrate their natural environment. Randwick Community Centre is located at 27 Munda Street, Randwick. To RSVP for this free event, call 9314 4862 or email teameco@randwick.nsw.gov.au.

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May 2016 | The Beast 45

Mascot: Australia’s Newest Country Town Satire Kieran Blake

T

The new clubby capital.

Tamarama Declared Australia’s Surf Life Saving Capital Satire Kieran Blake Picture Tamarama SLSC

S

ydney’s Tamarama Beach has been chosen as Australia’s Surf Life Saving capital in an effort to end the longstanding feud between Bondi and Bronte Surf Life Saving Clubs.

Both Bondi and Bronte claim the title of ‘first surf club in the world’ based on evidence from local newspapers, council minutes at the time, and even a time capsule dug up at Bronte Surf Club.

“Years of research, debate and conjecture have failed to resolve the issue of which club is truly Australia’s first Surf Life Saving Club,” read a statement from Surf Life Saving Australia.

“Thus, it was recently agreed by the board to appoint Tamarama as the official capital.”

The small, beautiful bay provides an ideal location, lying between its famous, brash and hedonistic northern neighbour and the more demure and subdued ‘Ville Bronte’ to the south.

Both Bondi and Bronte Surf Clubs are believed to be in agreement with the announcement.

Neither club issued an official statement as the representatives from Bronte were busy reviewing

46 The Beast | May 2016

the current value of their beachside properties, while bronzed Bondi members were sunbathing in anticipation of a cameo role on Bondi Rescue.

A tasteful, boutique, sophisticated yet avant-garde monument will be erected in front of Tamarama Surf Club. This will mark the club’s new status and form the centerpiece for every subsequent Sculpture By The Sea. Tamarama’s status will be largely symbolic, as the national body will continue to coordinate the thousands of volunteer ‘clubbies’ and associated activities from the current headquarters in Rosebery.

“The national headquarters is already established and performs its role with great efficacy,” continued the statement.

“Furthermore, there was concern from Tamarama residents that the suburb would be inundated with public servants, which is not glamorous, and that they would be occupied primarily in mundane administrative duties, which is also not glamorous.

“Plus, have you ever seen a public servant in speedos?”

he suburb of Mascot could become the first urban area in Australia to be rezoned as rural following Botany Bay Council’s proposal to honour local country music star Amber Lawrence. The proposal seeks to establish Mascot as a bona fide country town and to pay tribute to the 2015 Best Female Artist Golden Guitar award winner.

Lawrence has become a star on the Australian country music scene, but spent her youth ensconced in suburban Sydney, where she attended St Therese Catholic Primary School, Mascot, OLSH, Kensington and UNSW. “The people of Mascot are enormously proud of Amber,” announced City of Botany Bay Mayor Ben Keneally, who put forward the proposal.

“Consequently, we have contacted the relevant authorities with the view towards earning Mascot rural designation.

“Should the proposal succeed, Mascot Oval and L’Estrange Park will double as communal grazing grounds and sports fields.

“Council is also in the process of organising a B&S ball, as well as the first ever Mascot Field Day and Campdraft.”

Keneally went on to explain that the establishment of rural status would see a closure of essential services such as banks and post offices, and poor phone and Internet reception.

The mayor also boasted of increased tourist revenue into the suburb as a result of the designation, though the promotion of local landmarks.

“Goulburn has the Big Merino, Coffs Harbour the Big Banana, and Mascot has the Big Airport.

We’ve even approached Amber’s people with the idea of producing an airport tie in with her single, Feel Like Flying.”

at our

village fair from may – august Visit royalrandwick.com.au for details

Fresh food Crafts kids school giveaways

Fresh food sampling 3rd Thursday of the month (May–July)

Crafts For A Cause (designer markets) 1st Sunday of the month (June–August)

FREE kids entertainment every Saturday FREE school readiness program 1st Thursday of the month (May–August) Surprise giveaways throughout winter to keep you warm & smiling

Find us on Facebook and Instagram or visit royalrandwick.com.au

OR SHOPPING shopping centre

You can't stand under my umbrella, ella, ella...

No Closure on Umbrella Opening

Opinion Duncan Horscroft Picture Dan Hutton

H

ow many council workers does it take to put up an umbrella? The answer is none if the two new parasols down at Bronte Beach are involved.

These two mini-monoliths have stood tall in the ‘cubes’ for a few months now, but a grand opening has yet to eventuate.

48 The Beast | May 2016

After waiting for a few weeks for the holes to be dug, the day of reckoning came when one of the umbrellas was singled out for a test run.

One of the first problems to be unveiled was the fact that no one was tall enough to remove the cover. One of the local parkies had

to stand on his quad bike to reveal what was lurking beneath the plastic shell.

Without proper support, it is unclear who is going to be responsible for removing the covers from the large brollies, as it is clearly an OH&S issue that has to be dealt with before progressing any further.

Anyway, once the cover was off, it was decided to let the structure spread its wings.

The operating device to open the umbrella was a long bar with a handle on it. In theory it meant the operator just had to push down on the handle and… voila!

But this was not to be. After a few tries it required the assistance of one of the local lifeguards who, with both feet off the ground, managed to pop the seal and unfurl the canopy.

Problem number two was that if it required the brute strength of a hefty lifeguard to open the brolly, how could it be possible for someone not quite so strong?

It was decided by the powers to be that the two umbrellas would have to be returned to the manufacturer to be fitted with a winding device similar to what many other outdoor umbrellas have.

The total cost for the installation and supply of the umbrellas was reportedly $22,000, so you’d think that some research would have been done prior to this.

Surely those in the brains trust would have given one a test run before making the purchase? Why wouldn’t a sail similar to the one over the kids’ park have come into consideration?

And another thing: it doesn’t seem any thought went into the positioning of the parasols, as the shade does not come into play until mid-afternoon in the warmer months. For most of the morning the area beneath the brollies is in direct sunlight.

So, for now (before going to press), the two plastic pillars continue to stand alone to battle the elements before a solution is found to set them free.

Do you think the new umbrellas at the cubes at Bronte are necessary, given their $20,000+ price tag?

Words & Pictures Brendan Olley

Charlotte, Bondi One hundred percent unnecessary. They'd be better spending that money on security cameras to keep the beach safe or programs to keep the beach clean. People can bring down their own umbrellas.

Jimmy, Coogee I think they’re completely stupid. They should be spending that money teaching the clubbies how to actually swim.

Judy, Bronte I think they're really useful for all the visitors to the beach who are buying something from the kiosk. It means they can sit down and enjoy a coffee and croissant in the shade rather than being exposed to the sun.

Mitch, Bronte They’re definitely not necessary.

They could do with some shade down there, but those umbrellas don’t even work, so what’s the point?

Hank, Bondi Junction Definitely, but I think it's far more effective to bring your own umbrella. It'd be nice if they were a bit easier to put up. When they're down with the covers on they look like the goal posts at the SCG.

Beki, Bronte No. Given the amount of natural shade down here it seems like a bit of a waste of money that could've been better spent on improving some of the other facilities.

May 2016 | The Beast 49

May 2016 MONDAY

TUESDAY

CeeLo Green’s Birthday Normally today is the 150th day of the year, but not this year.

We’ve got good old February 29 to thank for that. It’s also CeeLo Green’s birthday. “How old is CeeLo?” I hear you ask. Well, the big fella turns 42 this year. Hip, hip, hooray.

Beard Season Begins Tomorrow To all the charitable men out there, today is the last day for the next three months that you may remain clean shaven. From tomorrow onward you will grow a beard to raise awareness for melanoma prevention. Visit www. beardseason.com.au for info.

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IT Classes In Cantonese Are you a Cantonese-speaking senior with a desire to learn how to navigate the world of the Internet?

If yes, Randwick Council has got your back. Head to Bowen Library today from 10am –12pm equipped to email, tweet and take selfies. To book, please call 9314 4888.

Freshness @ Stills Gallery ‘Freshness’ has shifted from an organic state to an abstract, cultural sign. The artworks in Ever Fresh mirror a reality in which change is the only constant in our personal and social worlds. With works from Australian and international artists, this is going to be fresh.

A Man Walks Into A Bar There are only four nights left to check out local resident Nina Marsh killing it in the internationally acclaimed absurdist comedy ‘A Man Walks Into A Bar’, playing at Blood Moon Theatre in World Bar, Kings Cross from April 21 – May 7. Tickets at www.offtheavenue.com.au.

Rocking Rhymetime Rhymetime hits Waverley Children’s Library on Thursdays during school term, where there’s music, movement and a play storytime session. The event is for two to three-year-olds and kicks off at 10am. For more information, visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.

Make Cards, Not War What could be better than receiving a beautiful, hand-made card? Perhaps being the one who made and gave the card! Celebrate the gift of giving and learn how to make gorgeous cards with Gail Kenward at Bowen Library tonight from 5:30 – 6:30pm.

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Markets In May On Thursdays during the month of May this year, Martin Place will be flooded with stalls and sellers from EQ Village Markets, Brewery Yard Markets and the Blak Markets. Why not celebrate local produce and handicrafts, and head on over today?

Sydney Writers’ Festival The festival commences today all over town, and it’s Australia's largest celebration of literature, stories and ideas. The festival will present local and international authors at over 300 events across Sydney. Many events take place at the Sydney Theatre at Walsh Bay. Visit www.swf.org.au.

Bondi Sings Community Choir Bondi Sings community choir is seeking new members now. Be part of a friendly group of enthusiastic and dedicated singers who meet on Tuesdays from 7.30-9pm at Bondi Pavilion. For more info about being part of the choir, email bondisings@gmail.com.

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Writing For Pleasure Love to string a yarn? Using a mixture of skill-based exercises and discussion on various writing forms, you can be introduced to the joy of writing and the pleasure that it can bring at Bowen Library and Margaret Martin Library. Call 9314 4888 for more info.

Food Addicts Anonymous Are you having a hard time controlling the way you eat? Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) meetings are held every Friday at 10am at the Salvation Army Hall, Boyce Road, Maroubra. For more information, call 0410 566 724 or visit www.foodaddicts.org.

Move Well Exercise Class Over 65s are invited to try an enjoyable exercise class called Move Well, which incorporates pilates, yoga and traditional exercise methods to build strength, flexibility and balance. Taking place at the Gaden Centre in Woollahra, it costs $5. Call 9302 3600.

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

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My Name Is Asher Lev Eternity Playhouse is pleased to announce that it will be hosting Chaim Potok’s classic coming-ofage play, My Name is Asher Lev, for an exclusive season from May 8–29 this year. Check out www. encounters.edu.au for more info and tickets.

For heaps more local events, just visit...

Concretor Jay Rodney Oceanside Ph: 0411 989 565 Painter Brett Dooley Nielson Dooley Ph: 0404 888 089

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

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Green Fair Day Clovelly Child Care Centre’s ‘Green Fair Day’ is on today from 10am to 1pm. Entry is by gold coin donation, after which you and your kids are welcome to get involved in recycled craft activities, eco workshops, kids’ yoga and face painting. Call 0409 045 425.

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Starlight Day Whether it’s hosting a Starlight Stall or Star-BQ, volunteering or registering your organisation in the Race to Shine, you can help Starlight bring much-needed light to the lives of sick kids and their families today. For more info, visit www.starlightday.org.au.

Bondi Farmers Market Get down to Bondi Beach Public School every Saturday from 9am – 1pm to sample some of the freshest and best produce you could hope to chow down on. There’s a wide range of stallholders to satisfy your every culinary need. Visit www.bondimarkets.com.au.

Mother’s Day Classic The annual Mother’s Day Classic fun run and walk provides the community with a great way to celebrate Mother’s Day and raise much-needed funds for breast cancer research. Jump on to www. mothersdayclassic.com.au to participate, fundraise or volunteer.

Taronga Zoo $1 Entry This year, Taronga Zoo is celebrating its 100th birthday. To celebrate, they are giving $1 entry to all visitors who come on their birthday! It’s particularly perfect if you are a quadruplet, so you can have a crew, but if not, YOLO, your mates can pay for themselves.

Designer Pop-Up Sale For lovers of high-end designer clothing and accessories, this is a sale not to be missed. Held at 360 Oxford Street, Paddington, this pop-up will be running until May 22, housing pieces by Prada, Mui Mui, Saint Laurent, Victoria Beckham and many others.

SMH Half Marathon Do you often joke that if people see you running, they should run too, because clearly something must be chasing you? If yes, perhaps it’s time to review your attitude to exercise and sign up for the SMH Half Marathon. It’s on today! Visit smhhalfmarathon.com.au.

Mercedes-Benz Fashion Weekend Fancy yourself as a bit of a fashionista, or just really enjoy seeing ridiculously good-looking people strutting about in clothes that cost more than your house down payment? Hit up Mercedes-Benz Fashion Weekend Edition at Carriageworks. Tickets at mbfashionweekended.com.au.

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Roosters Vs. Bulldogs At 4pm today at Allianz Stadium, the Bulldogs and the Roosters battle it out. Luckily they don’t actually check at the gates whether you know the first thing about NRL, so if you’re just going for the men in tight shorts, that’s cool too.

Buy tickets at ticketek.com.au.

Vivid Live Today marks the beginning of this year’s Vivid Festival! See Sydney in all its lit-up glory, and revel in the fact that you live in one of the most wondrous cities on Earth. Watch light-art sculptures and large-scale projections transform the skyline.

Visit www.vividsydney.com.

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NSW Swifts Get out to Olympic Park today and see some incredible women aiming for and reaching goals, both literally and metaphorically!

The Sydney Swifts will be playing against the Queensland Firebirds at midday. Check out www.nswswifts.com.au/fixture for details.

Fencing Troy Salvatico Jim’s Fencing Ph: 0405 543 530 Building Design Todd Maguire Design Solutions Ph: 0405 617 428

Rubbish Removal Dave Whiteley Dave's Rubbish Ph: 0401 296 069 Mechanic Jordan Hayman JH Automotive Ph: 0424 144 987 Plumber Matt Scott Surfside Plumbing Ph: 0450 391 734 BBQ Caterer Wardy Wardy & Sons Ph: 0414 293 396 Cleaner Sarah Callan Exec Home Office Ph: 0414 510 275 Plumber Luke Fletcher Pipe Up Plumbing Ph: 0431 638 558 Locksmith Bradley Rope SOS Locksmiths Ph: 0498 767 767 Electrician Adrian Langen Langen Electrical Ph: 0400 006 008 Arborist Jeff Hunt Prompt Trees Ph: 0412 280 338 Handyman Cristian The Handyman Ph: 0467 484 459

...www.thebeast.com.au/events-guide

Salt of the Earth

Mal Ward

Interview Dan Hutton Photography Jeremy Greive

W

hen Mal Ward found out that his son, Johnno, was seriously ill with childhood liver disease, he made a decision: rather than sit around feeling sorry for himself, he would start fundraising for the very people who were trying to keep his boy and others alive.

Unfortunately Johnno lost his battle in 2008, but that hasn’t stopped Mal from continuing to dedicate himself to helping sick children through his Forever Johnno charity, which organises a fundraiser in May and a Christmas present drive in December each year. We caught up with Mal, a largely unsung, salt of the earth local hero, during the month…

Where are you originally from?

I’m originally from Leeton. It's the entertainment capital of Australia.

It's a beautiful little town in the Riverina, about seven hours away from Sydney. I lived on the Gold Coast for a while too, and I lived overseas for three years, then I came to Sydney in 1994.

I love Coogee Beach. It was my son Johnno's favourite spot, and I used to love going there with him and my other son Charlie. I still love going down there.

What do you love about the Eastern Suburbs? The beach. Well, I love Coogee Beach. It was my son Johnno's favourite spot, and I used to love going there with him and my other son Charlie. I still love going down there. I love that strip of shops and little cafes in Coogee Bay Road. There are a lot 52 The Beast | May 2016

of country people around there, so I don't find it as wanky as some other parts of the Eastern Suburbs.

Is there anything about the area that gets your goat? There are quite a few Eastern Suburbs wankers. They’ve got money or whatever, which means nothing to me, and they think it makes them somehow superior. I don't like fake people. I don't like people who think they're somebody special, whether it's because of their wealth or status or whatever. There are a few of them about, but I try to ignore that.

You're the brains and some of the brawn behind the Forever Johnno charity; can you tell us a bit about Forever Johnno? My son, John, was born in 1999, and he was born with a liver disease, which was called Alpha One Antitrypsin Deficiency. It’s a genetic disease.

Kids can have it and be okay for the rest of their life, or they can be on medication, or in the worst case scenario they have to have a liver transplant, which is the group which John fell into, unfortunately.

We started a fundraiser in 2000 to raise money for kids like Johnno.

We decided to do a fundraiser for the Clancy Ward, which is the liver transplant unit at Westmead Children’s Hospital. That was the start of it.

What does Forever Johnno do now? We've just continued on from that. For a couple of years there we had two fundraisers per year, but we were really just taxing all our friends and contacts too much, so we went back to one a year. Now it's in May every year and has been for the last 15 years.

I think the first one raised about

$3,000, and now we consistently aim for the $10,000 mark. The more we can get, the more the hospital can buy things, but it’s about more than money. It’s about community getting together, and about John's name being out there, and remembering him. I have people ringing up saying, “When's your Johnno do on?” They're saying his name to me without any kind of silence. There’s none of that ‘don't mention his son because his son died and that might make him sad’ silence.

You also do a Christmas present drive in December, don't you?

That’s correct, and that started in 2008. John passed away on August 29, 2008 and Christmas was a tough time. It was only a couple months after he'd passed and I thought ‘I want to do something’. I didn't want to wait until the raffle in May to do something. I thought ‘why don't we do something for Christmas, for the sick kids in hospital?’ I knew how hard it was with him being out there and spending Christmas in hospital, so I did a little rally up and we got 160 presents that first year. Now we get about 1,000 presents each year in Sydney, plus we also do a drive in Melbourne, so we get around 1,400 presents donated between the two. In Sydney we split the presents between Westmead and Sydney Children’s Hospital, and a thousand presents covers every single kid in both hospitals, plus siblings.

Was it hard for you doing that so soon after John had passed away?

Did it help you deal with what was obviously a tough situation?

Yes, it did. I was a bit lost then, I think, and I just thought ‘I want to do something. I want John's name out there. I don't want to wait until May until the next thing's on’. People really got behind the Christmas present drive. It's Christmas, and it's presents, but it’s the directness that gets people in. People like putting a present under the tree and knowing that I’m going to take it directly to a sick kid.

54 The Beast | May 2016

When is the next fundraiser on?

It is on Friday, May 20, at the Coogee Bay Hotel, in the front bar. It’s open to the public - the more the merrier. It's a raffle and you turn up and buy your tickets and have a few beers. There are also auction items that you can bid on.

I remember last year, there was a group of random blokes up from somewhere on a cricket trip, and they all joined in and they loved it.

They won two or three prizes, too.

Anyone can donate to the event.

If you've got a small business and you want to donate, we'll give you a good plug on the night. You can feel good that you're doing something charitable and your business will get a lift, hopefully.

For a while he got a fairly normal life. He was playing soccer and we have some great photos of him doing what little boys do with a big smile on his face.

You’ve had a number of celebrities come out to support the event in the past too, haven’t you? Yeah, we have. The famous Dr Chris Brown, the Bondi Vet, for example.

He was there last year. I think he’s been down three times, and he's been great. Plus we've had plenty of football players and coaches over the years, like Laurie Daley, and there are always a few of the Australia’s Next Top Model girls, too.

A bunch of them turn up nearly every year. A bit of beauty doesn't hurt the occasion at all. We’ve also had some of the Bondi Rescue boys come down. It always helps to have a celeb. I don't know who most of them are half the time, because I don't watch any TV, but it's great that they come because it adds a bit of presence.

Can you tell us a little bit more about childhood liver disease?

There are a few different types.

There’s Alpha One Antitrypsin, which is what Johnno had. Basi-

cally in people's genetic makeup, you are an MM, an MZ, or a ZZ, and the Z gene is the bad gene.

You can have the Z gene and still be okay; it's the luck of the draw and Johnno had none. He got the ZZ gene and basically your liver fails, and it won't regenerate. He had to have a transplant when he was twenty months old. We thought, or hoped, that he was going to have a normal life after that, but that transplant failed when he was about seven, then he had to have another one and he had all sorts of complications with the second transplant and it didn't take. He came good for a little while, six months or something, but it never took and they didn't want to have a third transplant because it would’ve just been too much for him to take.

What was it like waiting on the donor list for a viable liver? That was hard; it was tough times. He had to have so many tests to go on the list, then the call can come at any time. The biggest fear then is that the call doesn’t come, his liver fails and you lose him before he even gets a chance. We were lucky. When you get the call you're sort of thinking ‘this is going to fix him’, but there's no guarantee.

Operations are traumatic. After that there’s the reality that it’s a whole other roller coaster of ‘is he going to be okay now?’ He was, for a few years. For a while he got a fairly normal life. He was playing soccer and we have some great photos of him doing what little boys do with a big smile on his face. That said, I always thought in the back of my mind, ‘how long will this last?’ I'm a very positive person, and I didn't want to think that way, but I did.

Would you recommend that everyone tick the organ donation box when renewing their driver’s licence? Definitely, but I don't think ticking that box is enough.

It’s not binding. You need to go and register for organ donation (visit donorregister.gov.au to register online, call 1800 777 203,

or visit a Medicare Service Centre).

With the consent box on your licence, a parent or family member can still overrule it. They can say, “No, we don't want to give you any organs.” So really, if you want to be an organ donor and you're serious about it you need to talk to your family and say, “Listen, if something happens to me, I want this to happen.” It can save a lot of other lives.

Can you describe what it's like being the parent of a sick little boy who's spending a lot of time in hospital? It's the worst ever.

Having no control over it is the hardest bit. You feel so useless, and helpless. The doctors tell you what they're doing, and you trust that these people know what they're doing and that they're doing the best thing for your child. You’re in and out of hospital, and there are screams and pain, and blood tests and needles. Johnno’s veins wouldn't come up because he'd had too many blood tests. Things like that are really hard to watch when there’s nothing you can do to help.

It’s heart breaking.

That's why I struggle with kids dying. They never got that chance.

No matter how good it is, or how bad it is, everyone deserves to experience life.

Johnno was the bravest kid; do you still take inspiration from his courage? Yes, massively. I still to this day think about different things that John said, or the way he was. He was a really loving, optimistic kid. He got dealt all this crap, and he still had a smile.

There are a couple of things I always remember about Johnno. In 2008, in May, he was in and out of hospital a lot and I said, “We had your fundraiser last night mate.”

He said, “Oh, how'd it go, Dad?” I said, “Really good, mate; we raised a lot of money for the hospital; it 56 The Beast | May 2016

was great.” I told him about all his mates who were there, and all the people who came. He had a little think, and with a big smile on his face he goes, “Were they all there for me, Dad?” I said, “Yeah, they were.” He took it all in and I could see him thinking ‘wow, I can’t believe they're doing all that for me’. He was a special kid.

You've got another son, Charlie, who is younger than Johnno; has he helped you deal with the pain of losing a child? Yeah, he has.

Charlie was four and a half when John died. He was very young.

He was always the little joker, and when John was in hospital he'd go in there and always put a smile on John's face. He'd just do something silly. He'd pick up one of the toys and fling it across the room and I’d say, “Charlie, you're in a hospital; settle down,” but he couldn't settle down because he was just mad, and John would sit there laughing his head off looking at Charlie going nuts, and he'd laugh at me trying to calm him down. He was good for John, and he’s been good for me afterwards. He still talks about John, and he still misses him. He said once, “Tell me a John story, Dad, because my memories of him are fading.” We still talk about John to keep that memory alive.

It would have been hard without him, because it'd be just me then, wouldn't it?

Nursing is one of the lowest paid professions in the country; can you tell us a bit about the work that the nurses out at Westmead do for sick kids and their families, and what they did for you guys and Johnno? The nurses out there are incredible and I just don't know how they do it. You’ve got to be a very special person to be a nurse.

The stuff they see, and the tragedy they deal with, and they somehow manage to stay so calm. They’re so loving and they take these kids under their wings like they’re their own. Then you see them, like at John's funeral, and you wonder how many funerals of kids they have to go to. As I announce every

May when I have my fundraiser, we have celebrities and football stars and the models in attendance, but the real VIPs are the nurses.

In some circumstances you've just got to step up. That doesn't make me a hero or a legend or anything like that. I just want to try and do something for John.

Can you describe to some degree what it's like to lose a child? I was at a talk with this professor bloke who said, “The grieving process is usually four to six weeks, whereas with a child it's a lifetime.” With a child, it's forever. I still miss Johnno. It's eight years now and it'll never change. It eases a little bit, of course, but it's very hard with a child. No matter what I say or what your readers read, unless they've lost a child, they don't have a clue. I'm not trying to say you can never understand how I feel.

I don't want you to. I don't want anyone to, because if you do, you've lost a child. John died when he was nine, and you grieve for yourself and the rest of the family because he's gone and you don't have him anymore. But you also grieve for what he missed out on. He's never had a life. He had nine years. That's why I struggle with kids dying.

They never got that chance. No matter how good it is, or how bad it is, everyone deserves to experience life. That said, I’m not into ‘woe is me’ and that's why I have Forever Johnno. That's why I try to raise money.

There's a lot of media attention given to the struggles of single mothers; what's it like being a single father living in the Eastern Suburbs? It's tough. I'm selfemployed and battling it out alone.

Like everyone, you've got bills and commitments and you've got to try and survive and give your kids a life. The whole Johnno thing puts a whole different perspective on life.

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Since John died I know I see everything differently. I'm not trying to get a mansion and a swimming pool. I don't need that life. As long as I can look after Charlie, do the fundraisers, and help out where I can with my barbecue business, that to me is success.

Is it true you're a bit embarrassed about appearing on the cover of The Beast? Very true. To be honest, if John hadn’t gotten sick I don’t know if I would have done all this fundraising. In some circumstances you've just got to step up. That doesn't make me a hero or a legend or anything like that. I just want to try and do something for John.

Maybe I seem to be helping a lot of people, but maybe I'm helping myself just as much by keeping his memory alive. That’s why Forever Johnno is so wonderful. I have mates who say to other mates,

“Come on, we've got to go up to Mal's young bloke’s thing,” so John's still very much alive in everyone’s thoughts because of that.

I think the whole Johnno thing has brought a lot of my old mates back together, and it's even meant that I’ve made new mates. I like to think that John's done all that.

How long do you think you'll continue to hold your annual raffle and Christmas present drive?

Until the day I die, I hope. I don't want it to ever end. There are sick kids to help, and that will never change, so I'd like to think that we can just keep doing it every year.

Why should people dip into their pockets for your cause? Because it helps sick kids, and as I've said all along I think every kid deserves to be an adult, and everyone deserves to have a life and some memories.

John AndersWard In loving memory of...

March 23rd, 1999 ~ August 29th, 2008

58 The Beast | May 2016

It’s also for those who don’t get to grow up. If you go out to the hospital and you see sick kids you'll understand what it means and what the money goes towards.

You'll see what we’ve bought, the difference we've made, the televisions, the X-Boxes, the games, all the medical equipment. Over the last fifteen years Forever Johnno has probably raised well over a hundred thousand dollars. No one gets paid to do it. The money goes straight to helping the kids.

In an ideal world, what does the future hold for Mal Ward? I just want to keep living, keep running Forever Johnno, keep raising money, and keep barbecuing. And I’d like to get Charlie through school and see him become a fine young man and do what he wants to do in life. That's all I want; nothing special...

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Is Daryl Free-to-Air Television’s Death Knell?

Words Rupert Truscott-Hughes Picture Dickie Knee

A

few years ago I wrote a piece predicting the imminent demise of free-to-air television.

At the time, Channel Ten was really battling, while the Nine and Seven networks were dominating proceedings despite their overall audiences slipping.

Since then, audiences have continued to decline, the ABC has had its budget cut by the Liberal government, Netflix has arrived on Australian shores and the writing on the wall has become bigger, bolder and less avoidable.

Furthermore, last month the Nine Network's parent company, Nine Entertainment Co, saw its share price crash 20 per cent in one day after a disappointing trading update that unveiled an 11 per cent fall in revenue for the March quarter in comparison to the corresponding quarter the previous year.

All this aside, the biggest indication that free-to-air television has one foot in the grave struck me one Sunday night in early April. Having settled in front of the idiot box after a long day sailing my 18-footer, I reached for the remote control,

60 The Beast | May 2016

hit the power button and nearly fell of my couch when a voice from the distant past rang out from my Bang & Olufsen surround sound system. Could I have been imagining this? Unfortunately not.

Within moments the camera panned from its contestants back to the show’s host. There he was.

All five foot nothing of cheap suit, cheesy grin and charmless wit. Daryl f**king Somers was back, saved from the obscurity he’d duly earnt by a desperate network searching for ratings.

Never had it been clearer to me that free-to-air television was a dead man walking than at that precise moment. To be honest, I actually thought Daryl was dead, but I guess that was just a case of wishful thinking. He’s like the T-1000, it seems; you just can’t get rid of him.

Strangely enough, Daryl’s new show, You’re Back In The Room, actually rated quite well, confirming that the vast majority of the television watching public are just plain stupid. Many, though, were not stupid enough to watch it the

following week, as the show shed nearly 250,000 viewers, which gives you some hope for the future of our once great country.

Moving along from Daryl (as I’m sure Channel Nine executives will in the not too distant future), though, it’s not just the dredging up of has-beens for poorly thought out game shows that appealed to audiences back in the 1970s that is going to bring about the undoing of the free-to-air networks.

Rather, it is choice that is going to deliver the knockout punch.

Viewers want to watch what they want, when they want, and it seems they are willing to pay for that privilege. As long as the free to air networks remain largely inflexible, the likes of Netflix and other similar streaming services will move closer to landing the killer blow.

Even an old bugger like me is consuming more and more media through devices like my iPhone, iPad and AppleTV, and if it means that I never have to see Daryl Somers’ annoying face again, then so be it.

Do you still watch free-to-air television?

Words & Pictures Madeleine Gray

Alice, Bondi

Kristian, Bondi

No. I just watch stuff on Netflix or stream shows, but I think it’s still probably good for older people who find the Internet a bit daunting.

I still watch it.

I watch every footy game on free-to-air. I've got Foxtel, but I'd hate to see free-to-air die.

Rosie, Coogee I don’t really watch free-to-air except for when there’s a reality show that I am following and need to keep up with as it comes out. Otherwise, it’s pretty dead.

Steve, Coogee I watch it a little, but I don’t think it’s really relevant anymore. Although ABC and SBS are great.

Isabel, Waverley I mostly stream stuff or watch Netflix, but I do think there’s still a place for free-to-air TV, especially ABC and SBS. It’s just much easier to watch the news on them.

Tai, Clovelly I still watch SBS and ABC a lot. I think it’s really important to support quality television journalism and nationally produced programs.

And I love Lee Lin Chin, obviously.

May 2016 | The Beast 61

An Eastern Ground Parrot at Hyam's Beach, no longer threatened.

Sea, Sand, Forest, Heath…

Jervis Bay, a Place for All Seasons Words and Picture Keith Hutton

A

t the end of summer you may need to get away for a break, no matter how good life is where you spend most of your time. If you live in the bush, the city or the coast might attract you: see the ocean, experience the vagaries of the weather there; eat out or go to a live show. If the city is where you spend most of your time, a quiet, peaceful spell might be preferred, and one of the best destinations is Jervis Bay, where I just spent a few days relaxing. I’ve been visiting there for nearly 40 years and the magic remains.

Hyams Beach is said to have the whitest sand in the world – soft, fine and squeaky, with

62 The Beast | May 2016

beaches uncluttered and clean, gently sloping from low dunes into shallow clear waters that exhibit an amazing range of tints, from crystal blue-green to leaden grey, depending on the sky, cloud cover, light and mood of the day. Wildlife is abundant and accessible just a few minutes’ walk from the café and store. Rare and threatened species such as Ground Parrots, Eastern Bristlebirds and Square-tailed Kites are seen regularly on the heath above the bay; whales, dolphins and fur seals in the water; and bandicoots, possums, kangaroos, wallabies, and Diamond Pythons in and around parkland and gardens.

The well-planned ‘Bird Spotters Walk’ followed by a short detour along the road out of the village, at the right time of year, can result in observations of all these Australian icons, some of which are no longer seen as often as they used to be.

There is another longer, wilder walk nearby in the Booderee National Park that starts at Murrays Beach, arguably the best beach in the area. The shady trail leads through old temperate forest to Governor Head lookout. You can see the distant Point Perpendicular and Bowen Island, where Little Penguins breed, and there are amazing panoramic views of Jervis Bay and the Pacific Ocean. Often sea eagles soar above the cliffs, and in spring magnificent Humpback Whales rest briefly with their calves in the water below, en route to their summer feeding grounds in the Southern Ocean. Ahead there is a wild expanse of open heath before the track heads back through woodland and forest.

Throughout the year there is something of interest. There are always spectacular wildflowers, and in spring bristlebirds and heath wrens sing vigorously among the impenetrable vegetation; in summer through to autumn Jacky Lizards are abundant along the sandy path basking in the sun, chasing insects or scuttling away from you; frogs click, trill, plonk and cackle in wetter areas. For most of the year, when the weather is right, thousands of sea birds are out over the ocean moving north and south to feed or breed, close to shore at any time when avoiding ocean storms and inclement weather.

The Wreck Bay Aboriginal Community and the Australian Government jointly manage Booderee National Park and Botanic Gardens in Jervis Bay, in the same way as Kakadu and Uluru are managed, and it is no surprise to me that there are more than 450,000 visitors to Booderee every year, a number roughly equal to all the people visiting Kakadu, Uluru, Norfolk Island and Christmas Island national parks combined.

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An easter surprise north coast mud crab.

The Element of Surprise Words & Picture Dan Trotter

S

urprise is a wonderful thing. In fact, our minds are wired for it. Scientific testing has proven that we crave the unexpected. That’s likely the reason why so many of us love the pursuit and experience of fishing, for one can never know what the day ahead holds, what those dawn hours will turn up, or what a trip to a never before visited destination might reveal.

It is this surprise, the element of the unknown, which delivers some of the most memorable moments in our lives and provides a release from the mundane and planned. Take a moment to consider this and reflect back on all those wonderful times in your own life where surprise has made you smile, laugh and love the life you get to live.

From a fishing perspective I think surprise works two ways. On the one hand there’s the surprise and delight when your carefully planned trip delivers the goods; that moment when a solid fish eats your bait, your rod buckles over and your line begins to disappear off the reel at a rate of knots. Then there’s the surprise tactics we as anglers can use to elicit interest from a fish; perhaps it’s an erratically retrieved lure or a perfectly presented fresh morsel wafting in the current that works best. Surprise delights in all facets of life, whether it’s work or pleasure, so be sure not to underestimate it.

With all that in mind, what piscatorial surprises lay ahead in the month of May? If you love an outside chance worth its weight in gold, a wide mission for an early yellowfin tuna should be on the agenda. Plan your day around the lead up

64 The Beast | May 2016

to the full moon, catch live slimy mackerel for a deep set bait, take plenty of pilchards for the cube trail, and spend the first four to fives hours of your time beyond the continental shelf, trolling an assorted offering of bibless, bibbed and skirted lures while searching for a patch of water full of bait, a temperature break or other signs that the tuna may be close. Remember that the last of the day’s light is often when the tuna come to the surface to feed, so if you can find a tide that coincides and a vessel that is safe for a run home in the dark, wait out the twilight and keep the element of surprise alive.

For those of us without the means or time for a wide-ranging tuna run, snapper can provide the possibility of delight that all anglers so eagerly crave.

Start super early or be prepared to stay out late, and again fish the change of light if you want to experience the best of what our home waters have to offer on the Pagrus auratus front. I’m still a huge fan of fishing soft-plastics for snapper and my advice is to use a 3/8ths of an ounce jig head on a strong 3/0 hook. The Berkley brand is best and it’s hard to beat the Gulp soft-plastics as a go-to lure.

If shore-based angling tickles your interest, May is a great month for the first of the big winter kings off the stones. Travelling greenback tailor and silver trevally will also provide a challenge and a tasty feed, whilst blackfish, bream and drummer are also worth the time and effort for an afternoon session.

Whatever your choice, embrace the unexpected, hope for a surprise and keep the anticipation of delight alive.

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May 2016 | The Beast 65

Tastier than he looks.

Lip-smacking Lizards Words Pascal Geraghty Picture Liz Fisher

O

ccasionally I don the dick-stickers, goggles and ear plugs, and pretend to be one of those all year, all weather ocean swimmers. Seemingly immune to the cold and unperturbed by the threat of sharks, they ply endlessly, anonymously, at an excruciating snail’s pace backwards and forwards off Coogee Beach.

Myself, though, I refuse to dabble unless its champagne swimming conditions - sunny, pancake flat and crystal clear. I rubber-up if it feels even remotely fresh and I swim in constant fear of being swallowed whole. I also take the punt that whoever’s seen me and concluded that I’m one of the abovementioned hardy, fearless, tireless types doesn’t watch for long enough to notice that I’ve staggered from the water after one return lap.

Nevertheless, I was making a beeline for shore recently following one such swim and decided to make a detour via the reef in the southern corner. I was lured over by an abundance of blackfish surging to and fro beneath the waves. Near the edge of the rock shelf I stumbled across a dirty big flathead sunning itself on the bottom. Normally expertly camouflaged, this carefree flatty stuck out like dog’s balls on the sand. You cheeky bugger, I thought. He was either thrill-seeking or knows that the local spearos are bloody hopeless.

It got me thinking about everyone’s favourite fish with chips. There’s far more to flathead than getting a loan to purchase skinless fillets, getting slashed by their painful spines and being subjected to cool fishos calling them ‘lizards’.

66 The Beast | May 2016

The particular individual I spotted was clearly a dusky flathead (Platycephalus fuscus). Its large size gave it away. But it’s not the only flathead species living in the area. You might also come across others such as bluespotted (or sand), longspine, tiger (or trawl), mud and freespine flathead. The dusky, however, is undoubtedly the king of the flathead jungle. It is the largest, most sought-after Australian flathead species and can reach gigantic proportions, including lengths up to 120cm and approximately 15kg. It is a bottomdwelling ambush predator that inhabits estuaries and nearshore coastal waters along Australia’s east coast.

It lies in waiting for unsuspecting prey on a range of substrates including mud, sand, seagrass and rocky reefs, and its colour patterns can vary accordingly.

Platycephalus fuscus is a key component of recreational and commercial fisheries in NSW. Research has shown that it can live for a long time (at least 16 years), but that males and females become sexually mature at around 32cm (about 1.2 years) and 57cm (about 4.5 years) respectively. Tag-release studies have also shown that they are capable of moving between estuaries.

The dusky flathead is an iconic species - next time you’re looking around underwater, keep your eyes peeled. They are crafty operators, experts in camouflage, that will see you long before you see them. Now and again, though, you’ll happen across a loud and proud individual who’ll present you the opportunity to watch, learn and admire.

May 2016 Tide Chart

Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Picture Bill Morris - @billmorris MON

TUE

30 0208 1.61 0852 0.48 1511 1.47 2102 0.69

31 0315 1.60 0947 0.44 1610 1.58 2214 0.62

2 0345 1.61 1023 0.45 1640 1.50 2234 0.61

3 0448 1.67 1115 0.38 1732 1.64 2336 0.50

4 0545 1.72 1203 0.32 1823 1.77

5 0033 0.38 0641 1.74 1251 0.29 1912 1.90

6 0130 0.29 0734 1.74 1339 0.29 2000 1.99

7 ○ 0224 0.23 0830 1.70 1427 0.32 2049 2.03

8 0318 0.21 0924 1.63 1515 0.38 2139 2.03

9 0414 0.24 1019 1.55 1604 0.46 2230 1.98

10 0510 1115 1656 2321

11 0608 0.38 1214 1.40 1749 0.65

12 0015 1.78 0707 0.46 1314 1.35 1847 0.73

13 0111 1.66 0805 0.53 1416 1.33 1952 0.78

14 ○ 0211 1.56 0900 0.57 1518 1.35 2101 0.80

15 0314 0951 1615 2208

16 0412 1038 1703 2307

1.47 0.59 1.47 0.73

17 0503 1.46 1119 0.57 1746 1.54 2358 0.67

18 0549 1.46 1158 0.56 1825 1.61

19 0043 0.61 0632 1.46 1232 0.55 1900 1.68

20 0122 0713 1306 1934

0.55 1.46 0.54 1.73

21 0200 0.51 0751 1.46 1340 0.54 2008 1.77

22 ○ 0237 0.48 0830 1.44 1414 0.56 2043 1.80

23 0315 0910 1449 2118

0.46 1.43 0.57 1.81

24 0354 0.46 0951 1.40 1527 0.60 2156 1.80

25 0435 0.47 1034 1.38 1608 0.63 2236 1.77

26 0519 0.49 1120 1.36 1652 0.67 2320 1.73

27 0607 0.51 1211 1.35 1743 0.71

28 0009 1.68 0700 0.51 1307 1.36 1842 0.73

29 ○ 0105 1.64 0755 0.50 1408 1.40 1949 0.73

0.30 1.47 0.55 1.89

Perfect Padang Padang.

WED

THU

FRI

SAT

SUN

1 0238 0927 1540 2126

○ New Moon ○ First Quarter ○ Full Moon ○ Last Quarter *Please add an hour during daylight savings time

1.58 0.52 1.38 0.71

1.50 0.59 1.40 0.78

boot with dark skinny jeans and a slouchy sweater.

Choose Quality Pieces Buy quality fabrics that you love in silhouettes that flatter your body shape. Don’t be scared of ‘dry clean only’ labels - fabrics like jersey, crepe, wool, most synthetics and even silks can survive the odd gentle tumble in a washing machine - just lay them flat to dry.

Auke & Lily from Bondi.

Alexis & Paloma from Clovelly.

Are Sweatpants a Sign of Defeat?

Words & Pictures Sharmin Musca, Personal Stylist

W

ith Mother’s Day just around the corner, it’s the perfect time for a little guilt-free ‘me time’ for mums, to focus as much effort on looking super stylish as we do on being super parents. Looking like the glamorous Victoria Beckham when watching a kid’s soccer match may not be realistic, but are there too many mums at the other end of the spectrum, hiding behind a uniform of workout gear all weekend? According to Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld, “sweatpants are a sign of defeat”. Maybe you’re a mum who’s ready for a style challenge this month; believe me, it’s easier than you think…

Master Your Mane Whatever your chosen look, the secret is not to try and make your hair something it isn’t. Yours could suit a slick style achieved with five minutes of wet-to-dry flat iron use, or a fun hairstyle that uses 68 The Beast | May 2016

some moulding mud, your fingers and the hot blast of the hairdryer.

Working with what nature has given you means less time messing with styling tools and more time out looking stylish.

Can’t Do Heels? Wear Ankle Boots Autumn’s the perfect time of year for those who would never don heels with kids in tow. Ankle boots elevate to show off an elongated leg line just like wearing a low heel.

Feel comfortable yet elegant by trading in your flats for a pair of stylish wear-all-day ankle boots; the low heel won’t hurt your feet and you’ll look much dressier.

Don’t Write-off Fashion You can still carry off current trends while being true to who you are as a mother. Shorter dresses can work for busy mums when worn with opaque tights and boots or platform pumps. And mums of any age can rock a knee-high

Be Consistent With Your Style Whether you’re a stay at home mum or working from home, getting around in flannel pyjama pants and slouchy tops all day may feel comfy, but it won’t do much for your productivity or self-confidence. It is possible to be comfortable and still look great. Refined knits, matte jersey, ponte and merino wool are all fabrics that wash well, wear well and look polished enough to transition from the home office to school pick up and beyond.

On the streets this month I found these stylish mums: Auke from Bondi Occupation Founder, of kids label Bo and Fleur - boandfleur.com.au Street Style Auke wears a Bardot top, Gorman skirt, Marcs sandals, necklace from Mischka Boutique and Ace of Something hat.

Daughter Lily wears Bo and Fleur skirt, Cotton On top and shoes and hat from Seed.

Alexis from Clovelly Occupation Mum Street Style Alexis wears a Zimmerman dress, Jerome Dreyfuss bag and Dries Van Noten sunnies, all from the Frock Exchange in Clovelly. Daughter Paloma wears Zimmerman skirt, St James tee and Saltwater Sandals.

First impressions count, but does your wardrobe allow you to make the right one? To update your personal style, please call Sharmin on 0405 518 155 or email sharmin@personalstylist.net.au.

May 2016 | The Beast 69

Defensive driving specialist.

The Unreliable Guide to... Being a Road Rager Words Nat Shepherd Picture Dash Cam

A

ccording to a report in the ever-reliable Daily Telegraph ( June 10, 2015), seven out of ten drivers have experienced road rage. YouTube and news programs abound with amateur videos of people losing the plot. If you’ve never felt road rage and are feeling left out, the Unreliable Guide is here to help you with some tips, tricks and tactics on how to turn impatience, bad driving and a borderline personality disorder into something really newsworthy…

Insist on Manners Occasionally you may feel like allowing someone into your lane.

It can create an enormous sense of well being, so long as they give a little wave to say thank you. That is essential.

Without the wave, they’ve not acknowledged your generosity.

They have, in fact, just pushed in. The only option is to follow them home, even if they live in Melbourne, and force them to say thank you… nicely.

Be a VIP The road is all yours and no one else belongs on it. How dare all these people be in your way? Don’t they realise that you are a Very Important Person? Make good use of your horn to let them know they should clear the road. If that doesn’t work, just burn up the hard shoulder and push in at the last minute and give anyone who complains the finger.

If you do this well, you could star in a real road rage situation like the two chaps on the M4 caught on camera last September trying to beat the stuffing out of each other.

Target Bicycles, Scooters and Motorbikes These two-wheeled users of the road send some drivers into a blind fury. In England in 2013, 22-year-old Emma Way tweeted: “Definitely knocked a cyclist off his bike earlier. I have right of way - he doesn't even pay road tax!”

That’s the spirit Miss Rightof-Way; damn those cyclists, dawdling along in their little eco-bubble of smugness. Scooters and motorbikes might travel fast enough not to get in the way, but they cruise past traffic and get to

70 The Beast | May 2016

park anywhere they fancy. This shouldn’t be allowed! The Unreliable Guide suggests pretending these upstarts are invisible; don’t encourage them by treating them like legitimate road users. Failing that, just follow Emma’s example and run them all off the road.

Despise Pedestrians Unless you live in your car, you too will be a pedestrian occasionally, but when you get behind the wheel all that must be forgotten.

Pedestrians are the enemy, always wandering out onto the road and you’re not even allowed to knock them down.

Many road ragers rev their engines to try and speed up pedestrians crossing at the ‘green man’, but a driver in Rose Bay refined this technique. He wound down the window of his Range Rover and called out, “Can’t you walk any slower you c**ts?” Now that’s the spirit!

Finally, if you took any of the above seriously, please get the bus.

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May 2016 | The Beast 71

mango, passionfruit, orange, coconut yoghurt and Amazonia green powder). Second brekkie down, three more to come.

Jed’s Food Store Breakfast until 12 noon Do not bother trying to find info about this joint on the interweb; there isn’t any. Take our word for it, this Kiwi-owned locals’ darling has good coffee, a chill vibe and superb breakfast options. What does Eggs Kurosawa mean to you? Don’t answer that. Just go to Jed’s and wrap your laughing gear around some eggs, nori seaweed scramble, house teriyaki tofu, royal quinoa medley, avocado, black sesame seeds, pepitas and wasabi.

Breathe.

These two legends from Jed's Food Store.

QTips - The Breakfasts of Bondi Champions Words Niall Roeder Picture Nesta

B

reakfast is the most important meal of the day. This is what we’ve always been told. Brekkie feeds your body and mind with the energy and nutrients needed to tackle the day head-on, to spank its arse, to KO the day like a swift Holly Holm kick to the head.

There is another reason why breakfast is so damn important, and that’s because breakfast food is downright splendid. So splendid, in fact, that we shouldn’t be afraid to squeeze in as much brekkie as possible. Someone once called Australia ‘the breakfast nation’. It was me.

Just then. And it’s true. Australia, and especially Bondi, has a robust café culture, which goes hand in hand with our national coffee addiction. So today we’re rattling off some of the finest haunts to grab your first, second, third, fourth and fifth breakfast of the day.

Porch & Parlour Breakfast till 11:50am Quality grub served with a big local smile in a rustic setting. This 72 The Beast | May 2016

is what you’re up for at Porch, and this is why it’s a favourite with Bondi folk. It’s the kind of eatery you wish your best mate owned. It’s a good place for the health-conscious to hit up early for something wholesome. We recommend getting stuck into the gluten free granola with coconut yoghurt, seasonal fruit and a side of almond milk. Sounds hippy, tastes epic.

Sadhana Breakfast until 12 noon Now this place is hippy. If you’re really into words like cleanses, raw and vegan, then Sadhana is your nirvana. If you’re not, don’t worry; turn a blind eye to all the organic jargon and dive into a courageous menu full of things you haven’t tried before, like the Avo and Mushroom Benedict (black salt and sesame encrusted avo ‘eggs’ with marinated mushrooms, coconut ‘bacon’, sprouted bread and hollandaise) and the Maz’s Erryday Smoothie (kale, celery,

Panama House Breakfast until 12 noon (weekends until 1pm) As you probably guessed from the name, these guys do Central American and Mexican dining.

And in breakfast talk, that means Huevos Rancheros, the glorious combination of corn tortillas, spiced black beans, sour cream, guacamole, smoked tomato salsa, poached egg and chipotle hollandaise. One more breakfast to go.

Brown Sugar Breakfast until 12 noon Brunch all day The last stop is Brown Sugar, another well-established Bondi hangout. These legends do an all day brunch, which is perfect for when you accidently party until the sun rises and only resurface at 2:30pm. In this day-of-breakfasts, we’re suggesting chowing down on the Black Stone Eggs (an English muffin with bacon, tomatoes, poached eggs and hash browns).

The QT Concierge App, your little black book to the best of Bondi – cafes, bars, shops, restaurants, activities and more – is out now.

Download it at https://itunes. apple.com/au/app/qt-gold-coastconcierge/id526442408.

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May 2016 | The Beast 73

Maltese Moments and Hollywood Heroes Words & Pictures The Bondi Travel Bug

‘T

he Pub’ in Malta’s historic capital city of Valletta is unassuming to say the least. The tiny establishment’s exterior is inconspicuous, but inside it’s a shrine of sorts to one particular Hollywood legend.

This is the saloon where swashbuckling silver screen hero Oliver Reed passed away of a heart attack at the bar after drinking himself into oblivion.

We stumbled upon the venue while walking the narrow streets that make up the 800 square metres of this tiny historical town and decided to go in.

The walls are covered in photos of Reed and some of the movies in which he starred. Among them are The Three Musketeers, Oliver, The Devils, Woman in Love, Tommy and The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, but it was while working on The Gladiator with Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe in Malta that he died.

Over the centuries, Malta has been ruled by the Phoenicians, Romans, Spanish, French and the British – all attempted to use Malta’s strategic position in the Mediterranean as a base to launch military strikes.

A red-blooded and fiery character, Reed left nothing in reserve and lived life to the fullest. It’s just a shame he didn't take that day off the demon drop to smell the roses and discover what Malta has to offer.

A tiny southern European island in the Mediterranean with a population of only 450,000, Malta is the smallest and most densely populated country, per capita, in the world.

74 The Beast | May 2016

Valletta was built on the highest point of the island with magnificent views to see the invading forces and was therefore much sought after as a military base. Over the centuries, Malta has been ruled by the Phoenicians, Romans, Spanish, French and the British – all attempted to use Malta’s strategic position in the Mediterranean as a base to launch military strikes. Malta achieved independence in 1964 and became a republic in 1974.

Malta is a popular European tourist destination due to its many beaches and warm climate. During summer, from mid-July to mid September, the island can be very hot, with temperatures soaring up to 36 degrees, while spring and fall can be hot and humid also. The period from June to September is probably the best time to visit with an average temperature of 30 degrees.

While our stay in Valletta was limited, we did find time to line up to visit St John’s Co-Cathedral and the short wait to see what was inside was well worth it. The Knights of Malta’s main church is up there with the most important Baroque buildings in Europe. Designed by military architects in the 1570s, every inch is covered in gold and marble, and the exquisitely painted vaulted ceilings are something to behold. Even the floor is a sea of tombs in coloured marble.

Another highlight inside is a painting by world-renowned artist Caravaggio. It’s his largest (and only signed) painting and depicts the beheading of St John the Baptist.

Outside of Valletta the countryside is surprisingly arid. Just a 20-minute drive away is the old walled city of Mdina. Evidence of settlements in Mdina goes back to before 4000BC. It was possibly first fortified by the Phoenicians around 700BC, because of its strategic location on one of the highest points on the island and as far from the sea as possible.

When Malta had been under the control of the Roman Empire, the governor built his palace there.

Legend has it that it was in Mdina, in around 60AD, that Paul the Apostle lived after his ship ran aground on the islands.

The period from June to September is probably the best time to visit with an average temperature of 30 degrees.

Walking inside the city today it looks as though not much has changed since St Paul’s day – with the exception of a spattering of cafés and restaurants.

While in Malta we made a rather exciting gastronomic discovery: pastizzis. These small savoury pastry snacks are a staple of most Maltese locals’ diet and they come in a variety of fillings, including ricotta, peas and meat. Yum. As it turns out, ‘The Pub’ is the perfect place to wash down these moreish snacks. Be warned though; it is so tiny and tucked away in a narrow cobblestoned street that if you blink you’ll probably miss it. It’s worth tracking it down, though, if only to throw down a beer (or perhaps a sparkling water) and purchase the T-shirt that shows just how much alcohol the legendary actor consumed on that fateful day.

How to get there and where to stay Vicki Gilden at Rose Bay Travel (02) 9371 8166 What to see and do www.visitmalta.com The Pub 136 Archbishop Street, Valletta

Everyone's doing it.

The New Superfood, and it’s Free Words & Pictures Elsa Evers

S

top the green juice press!

There’s a new wonder elixir in town and it’s proven to make you happier and live longer, and it doesn’t cost a cent.

This new superfood has just two key ingredients: volunteer in your local community; and get out into nature. Really? It’s that simple? I know. I nearly dropped my kale smoothie on the floor.

And this free fix keeps me healthy?

Yep, researchers have recently discovered that ‘doing good’ is also good for us.

According to the organisers of National Volunteer Week – coming up on May 11 – volunteering results in a ‘helper’s high’. In fact, one study found a 44 per cent reduction in early death among those who volunteered regularly.

That’s a greater effect than exercising four times a week.

Meanwhile, other scientists have discovered the mental health benefits of spending time in nature. According to Dr Mardie Townsend of Deakin University, spending time in nature reduces the body’s response to stress by activating the production of dopamine.

76 The Beast | May 2016

So if being active in our local community boosts wellbeing, then it’s fair to say that volunteering in nature gives you a double-dose of happiness and health, and there’s plenty of this on offer in the Eastern Suburbs.

For starters, you can sign up to one of 20 community groups working to protect our beautiful beachside home. From cycling groups and share economies to litter campaigns and bushland protection, these groups often run on the smell of an oily rag and are always grateful to get a helping hand.

The Bondi branch of the Surfrider Foundation, for instance, is a super hip group dedicated to the protection of Australia’s waves and beaches through research and education.

“Without our supporters, we would not be able to achieve all that we do,” local Surfrider representative Emma Metcalf said.

“At the moment, we’re looking for volunteers with a ‘think outside the square’ approach, especially in the areas of social media, sponsorship and events.”

I know what you’re thinking: ‘I’m too busy to volunteer’ or ‘I’ve got family commitments’. Life is

hectic in Sydney. However, with a bit of research, you might find there’s a volunteer opportunity that fits your schedule.

Perhaps it’s BIKEast? This local cycling group pushes for better cycling paths and helps commuters find safe bike routes to work. There are loads of ways to get involved, from attending advocacy meetings to joining a weekend ride.

“We welcome people of all ages with an interest in making eastern Sydney a better place for cycling,” encouraged BIKEast coordinator Mark Worthington.

Maybe you’d prefer to nurture native plants in a local Bushcare group? Whoever you are, your skills would be greatly appreciated by the groups working to make our suburbs greener and more sustainable. For those of us lucky enough to live in such a beautiful corner of the world, it’s the least we can do.

National Volunteer Week is on from May 11-17. For a list of local groups and how to get involved, go to www.waverley. nsw.gov.au/community_groups_ and_networks.

When basketball was cool.

All the Way with the NBA Words Alasdair McClintock Picture Duncan Balls

I

f you haven't noticed, the NBA is fashionable again.

Not since the 1990s, when every second teenager wasted their parentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; money, or their own hardearned, on Upper Deck and Fleer trading cards, has American basketball been so prevalent in Australia's sporting psyche. I'm not just talking about those ubiquitous snapback caps and hideously coloured jerseys either; people are actually watching it.

With the playoffs now in full swing, you might even catch yourself casting an eye over it at your local when the conversation begins to stagnate and you need something to engage your interest. The first thing you'll probably observe is the outrageousness of some of the haircuts; the second, just how freakishly athletic most of the guys are. Us mere mortals struggle to throw a scrunched up piece of paper into a bin three feet away. These blokes are nailing 30 foot bombs on the fly with a seven-foot lunatic, known for bringing guns into the changing room, breathing down their neck â&#x20AC;&#x201C; I'm sorry, but I don't think Darryl from accounts has quite the same presence on your jump shot.

I myself got caught up in last year's finals series.

Like many of us, I was dining out on Matthew Dellavedova's serving of 'cold Curry' and got lost in the romance of LeBron James returning to his hometown of Cleveland, and trying valiantly to deliver them a championship. It didn't work out that way, but it was nevertheless intriguing.

78 The Beast | May 2016

This year the only real intrigue lies in just how many records Golden State and Steph Curry can break on their way to going back-to-back. Because, let's face it, it's going to happen.

I'm not a huge Curry fan. Mainly because his style of swagger annoys me. It's not that I don't like swagger itself - it would be near impossible to watch any American sports if that was the case - but Curry doesn't look like swagger comes naturally to him. It feels forced and I can't abide it. Maybe his sponsors have told him to play it up more? I don't know. Maybe he's just a dickhead.

Andrew Bogut, on the other hand, must be one of my favourite athletes. His swagger I buy. It's more of a cheeky cockiness and willingness to call a spade a spade, and I really find it quite endearing. The fact that he and Dellavedova look more like guys you'd expect to find smashing bongs in a suburban lounge room only adds to the charm.

Will this popularity flow on to the local competition? It's hard to say. I certainly haven't seen anyone strutting the streets of Bondi in a Sydney Kings jersey just yet. In truth, I only know one guy who claims to watch the NBL, and I'm pretty sure he's lying to me.

But having live NBA games only a click away is both a blessing and curse for the local game. Would you dance with Danni if you could go home with Kylie? I didn't think so.

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May 2016 | The Beast 79

No wonder they've all got chlamydia.

Do Threesomes Work?

Words Matty Silver, Sex Therapist Picture Nora Minjoff

E

veryone has a favourite sexual fantasy; nowadays, having a threesome is very popular. A threesome is any group of three people engaging in sexual activity: a man and two women, a woman with two men, or three people of the same sex. In real life, few will actually try out the fantasy, as often the thought of it is more exciting than the deed.

However, over the past few decades the idea of threesomes has been coming up more often and many committed couples find them a fun diversion; another option of making their sex lives more interesting.

And it’s not just for couples, of course, but for single women and men who are interested in experiencing sex with more than one other person.

Cultural attitudes to sex, relationships and sexual identity have also changed. Threesomes are becoming more mainstream in popular culture. Having a threesome can be a relationship rejuvenator if you have a strong bond and want to explore together. It can be a really positive experience, but a word of warning: it should never be used as a tool to fix relationship problems.

For people who are used to being monogamous, the experience can result in jealousy, anger and feelings of resentment or inadequacy. For some couples, having a threesome is a way to have sex outside their relationship without actually ‘cheating’ on one another.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is to not communicate properly. It’s extremely important

80 The Beast | May 2016

to first talk about your fears and expectations, and what boundaries will be set with everyone involved.

Threesomes rarely work out well when one partner cares more about his or her sexual needs than the emotional needs of the other. Two people dealing with each other’s needs can be difficult enough, but when there is a third person thrown in there will be added emotions, concerns and potential problems.

The most important factor when engaging in a threesome is setting clear boundaries about what will happen, what will be okay and what will not. Will the third partner be male or female? Will you meet them beforehand, and how and where will you find them?

Will it be just a one-off to prevent anyone from getting too close or becoming too attached?

No one should enter a threesome without being attracted to both parties, but falling in love is a no-no and, if that happens, it’s best to stop straight away. Of course, I mainly talk to people who have had a bad experience and I’m sure there are many couples who have a great time, as watching your partner having sex with another woman or man can be sexy and arousing.

My advice is that the best way to enter into a threesome is with an open mind. It can be sexually exciting, but it's usually psychologically problematic. Every relationship does not have to be monogamous to be successful, but it's a relatively rare relationship that is improved by the three-way experience.

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May 2016 | The Beast 81

Subject Solid sets Location Tamarama Photographer Kerry Wilson - @kerrywi1son

Subject Cliffhangers Location Tamarama Photographer Andrew Worssam

Subject Busbys Pond Location Centennial Park Photographer Patrick Kennedy

Subject Just chillin' Location Rose Bay Photographer Kristen Brennan

Subject Chin wagging Location Bondi Photographer Amaury TrĂŠguer - morningbondi.com

The Beast wants your local photographs...

Subject Pontoon wars Location Redleaf Pool Photographer Andrew Worssam

Subject An amazing woman Location Bondi Photographer Magali Mialaret

Subject Inverted Location Bondi Photographer Rachel Bilsborough

Subject Dangerous currents Location Tamarama Photographer Emily Foschi

...email them to photos@thebeast.com.au

Album #1 Artist Violent Soho Album Waco Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating If you are a teenager and don't like Violent Soho, what the hell is wrong with you? If you're in your thirties and like them as much as I do, people might often ask you the same thing, but those people are totally Slytherin, if you catch my sass. Is it fair to say that the world can be divided into people who love punk music and people who hate life? I think it is. If you don't want to do a shoey, it basically means you would welcome the apocalypse. Loud, rambunctious, and just blooming great, you should crank this up, jump around and fill your shoe up with beer immediately.

Album #2 Movie Review Title Green Room Genre Thriller, Horror Reviewer Linda Heller-Salvador Green Room’s writer-director Jeremy Saulnier initially gained people’s attention in 2013 with his original low-budget thriller Blue Ruin, and he definitely doesn’t disappoint with his most recent project. Having previously worked as a cinematographer and producer, as well as in special effects, Saulnier has set himself up to know exactly how to bring a suspenseful and creatively warped edge-ofyour-seat thriller to the screen, all while avoiding the obvious genre stereotypes.

A punk-rock band, portrayed by Anton Yelchin (Star Trek), Alia Shawkat (Ruby Sparks), Joe Cole (Peaky Blinders) and Callum Turner (Queen & Country), is booked to play at a secluded bar in the backwoods of Oregon. The owner, played by a refreshingly-out-of-character Patrick Stewart (Star Trek, X-Men), is a ruthless Neo-Nazi leader of a group of white supremacist skinheads.

When the band members unwittingly see something they aren’t supposed to, they become swiftly entangled in a fight for survival. Saulnier’s ability to offset rising levels of gore-filled tension with deftly placed dark humour is his speciality, but in saying that, Green Room is not for the squeamish or faint-hearted. It is, though, definitely worth the intense roller-coaster ride that it takes you on.

84 The Beast | May 2016

Artist Urthboy Album The Past Beats Inside Me...

Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating I've never understood why Urthboy hasn't enjoyed more commercial success in this country. Is it because he can be quite political in his lyrics? I mean, what kind of sick pervert actually wants to grant refuge to people fleeing for their lives? What a loser! This is by far his most accessible album to date, and I mean that in a good way. Made even stronger by a litany of guest artists that really jump off the record and into your happily bopping head – Bertie Blackman and Kira Puru especially. A tip-top album, which I'm hoping generates the buzz it deserves.

Album #3 Artist Yeasayer Album Amen & Goodbye Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating A psychedelic, Beatles-esque intro drops into the quirky sounds and offbeat rhythms that you'd expect from Yeasayer, and it works. I have never truly gotten into their albums, but this one seems to do it for me. I wouldn't say it grabs my attention; more like it gently strokes my neck and whispers into my ear: “Hey, man. I'm a cool new indie record. You should have a listen.” That may sound a little weird, but so does the whole album. Not strange guy on the bus, licking his lips and staring weird; more odd guy in an art gallery wearing a colourful jacket and just loving life weird, which is far more acceptable.

Arts & Entertainment from Around the Beaches...

Words Madeleine Gray Picture Loz Chaplyn

Bondi Local the New Queen of Theatre Congratulations to Bondi local Karla Tonkich, who has been cast in the Queen musical We Will Rock You, which is due to open at Sydney’s Lyric Theatre on May 5 before embarking on a national tour. She plays a featured ensemble role and understudies the show’s two young female leads. Karla has an extensive background in performing and graduated from WAAPA in 2012, and has since performed in Legally Blonde, Grease, and Absinthe (as the sexy Green Fairy, no less!).

Rock out, Karla!

Randwick Art Exhibition Do you want to support local artists and craft-makers? This is your chance! Randwick Art Society will be holding its seventh Annual Art/ Craft Exhibition on Friday, April 29 from 10am–8pm, Saturday, April 30 from 10am-5pm and Sunday, May 1 from 10am-4pm at the Prince Henry Community Centre, just off Anzac Parade on

Summer slushies at Bondi.

Pine Avenue, next to the chapel in Little Bay. Look forward to soaking up a wonderful array of original paintings and lots of varied craft.

'Swim' Showcases Sydney's Rock Pools We love our local beaches and rock pools. Now Maroubra artist Camellia Morris is capturing them on canvas. ‘Swim’ is an exhibition of paintings celebrating the great Australian pastime of swimming in our local ocean pools. Camellia’s coastalthemed artworks are now hanging in New York, London, Bangkok and above the Arctic Circle in Norway.

Her exhibition commences on Saturday, May 21 at Camellia Morris Gallery, 2 Danks Street, Waterloo.

Celebration drinks will be held on Saturday, May 28 from 3-5 pm.

Visit www.camelliamorris.com. $30,000 Art Fellowship Open It can be really, really hard to get along financially as a visual artist, especially if you are just beginning. The NSW Government

has realised this, and this year it is offering a Visual Arts Emerging Scholarship that will provide $30,000 for a program of professional development. A shortlist of up to 12 artists will be selected to participate in an exhibition at Artspace, Sydney from November 8 to December 10 this year. Applications for the 2016 fellowship are now open and close at 5pm on Monday, May 9. For more info, visit www.arts.nsw.gov.au.

My Name is Asher Lev Eternity Playhouse is pleased to announce that it will be hosting Chaim Potok’s classic coming-ofage play, My Name is Asher Lev, for an exclusive season from May 8–29 this year. The play tells the story of a young Jew growing up in Brooklyn in the late 1940s. His considerable artistic talent draws opposition from not only his own strict sect, but also from his parents.

What price is Asher willing to pay for the right to use his gift? Please visit www.encounters.edu.au.

At home with Mayfair Kytes.

Mayfair Kytes – Easy on the Ears Words Dan Hutton Picture Le TANS (Sara Tansy)

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f there’s one thing going for Melbourne folk/art-pop four-piece Mayfair Kytes, it’s that they’re extremely easy on the ears.

Having recently released their debut album, Animus - a dense mosaic of flourishing strings, jangly guitars, tape-driven beats, synthscapes and samples - Mayfair Kytes are now hitting the road and will take to the stage at The Vanguard in Newtown on April 28.

We threw a few questions at Mayfair Kytes’ frontman Matt Kelly during the month…

My first memory of music is… listening to a good friend of my parents, who was also called Matthew. He was this amazing illustrator and he would always draw me these cool little pictures, and he also carried a guitar. I remember him playing it and I was totally entranced. I wanted to do the same from that point onwards.

Growing up my parents listened to… different artists. My Dad listened to Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Zappa - all the greats of his day.

Mum was into Elton John, Dire 86 The Beast | May 2016

Straits, Whitney Houston, the Jackson 5…and always a lot of stand up comedy records.

If I had to describe our sound in one sentence… I’d call it hyperfolk art-pop.

My dream gig... would be to play a series of theatre shows with a gigantic orchestra. It will happen one day.

If you come to see us play, you can expect... ambient guitars, inter-weaving vocal hooks and big harmonies, slick bass grooves, big dynamics, and strange arrangements. The set moves through a series of genres so it’s kind of hard to coin.

There was one time when we were starting out... that we thought we could afford to do every show with a string quartet. That didn’t last very long.

If I could have chosen one song to have written it would have to be...

‘Let’s Stay Together’ by Al Green.

It is pretty much chordal, lyrical and melodic perfection.

Our favourite song to perform would have to be... ‘Flashlight’. It is a song that takes you on a journey through many different styles and there is some really satisfying tension and release going on there.

The best thing about the local music scene is… the level of talent going on within it. Seriously some of the best bands I know.

One person I’d still really like to record with is… Nigel Godrich, if I could. If it’s collaborations you’re talking, Bjork would be high on that list.

Our biggest fan has got to be… my mother. She is always the first to sing praise.

We’ll know we have made it when... Austin’s head comes out as a Pez dispenser. Until then we shall soldier on.

If you would like to find out more about Mayfair Kites, please visit mayfairkytes.bandcamp.com or facebook.com/mayfairkytes.

image attribution. Still from AFTRS student film Over the Hills

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Pure class.

The Nine: A Clean, Neat, Bright Seaside Escape Words Madeleine Gray Picture Grant Brooks

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y first impression upon meeting Julie Brument, one half of the duo behind Bondi’s coolest new eatery and bar, The Nine, is that she’s young and poised. Once she introduces herself, I form a second impression: Julie is French.

These two impressions basically encapsulate the vibe of The Nine.

From the crisp lines of the wait staff ’s blue and white t-shirts, to the minimalist light fixtures and white walls, the message is clear: this is, as Kath and Kim might say, classy. When I comment to Julie that I like the beachy colour palette, she replies: “Oh, yes. But it’s a clean, neat, bright seaside.”

Julie is twenty-seven. She is originally from a small seaside town near Marseilles, called Carry le Rouet (known, she tells us, for being the resting place of Nina Simone). After studying business and wine in France, Julie moved to China and started a business importing French wine and organic spirits. This is where she met her partner, Sebastien Dallee, a Clovelly ex-pat who was working as a restaurant manager in China having studied hospitality at Ecole Hôtelière de Lausanne in 88 The Beast | May 2016

Switzerland. In July last year, the couple returned to Sydney to open The Nine. And so it began.

The menu, designed in collaboration with head chef David Walker (ex-Danks St Depot and Pablo & Rusty’s), is big on local, sustainable produce, and is inspired by the cuisines of nine different countries: Greece, France, Italy, Spain, Croatia, Morocco, Egypt, Israel and Turkey.

The Israeli couscous salad with slow-cooked lamb, organic halloumi, spiced lentils, radish, orange, pecan, red kale and cumin would not be out of place on a banquet table in a palace: it is ornate, and absolutely beautiful to look at. As Julie confirms, they “do not have a flat dish”. Presentation is paramount. The lamb is tender, and my fork easily scoops up delectable bites without the intervention of a knife. I usually don’t enjoy orange in salads, but here it acts flawlessly as a citrusy complement to the richness of the meat, couscous and halloumi.

The shakshouka with baked eggs, quinoa, spicy roast tomato (cooked twice with caramelised onions and whole bunches of herbs), zatar and (optional) chorizo is creamy and delicious. It also man-

ages to avoid the layer of uncooked, clear gelatinousness that is the downfall of many a baked egg.

The coffee is pitch prefect. The roast is by Five Senses, a Perth based company, and the coffee machine is set each morning so that it automatically pours the same quality shot every time. I got two flat whites, and I couldn’t fault either.

The space is licensed, and Julie and Sebastien plan on keeping it open as a wine bar at nighttime in the near future. At present, they host a pop-up bar every three weeks, with such achingly hip concoctions as a quinoa vodka and kombucha cocktail. Bloody Marys and Aperol Spritzes are, thank goodness, on offer all day. So what are you waiting for? Head down to The Nine, maintenant!

The Nine Address 163 Glenayr Ave, Bondi Instagram @theninesydney Facebook www.facebook.com/ theninesydney Opening Hours Mon to Sun 7am–4pm (Nights TBC) Prices $15 – $25 Card Accepted Yes Licensed/BYO Yes/No

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Spice up your night.

Spiced Chicken with Pearl Couscous Salad and Yoghurt Words & Picture Marley Spoon Culinary Director Olivia Andrews

S

hake up your mid-week meal with this Middle Eastern spiced chicken dish. Fall in love with the texture of the Israeli couscous, which is teamed with tender kale and sweet semi-dried tomatoes. Serve it with a dollop of creamy Greek yoghurt and you’ll have a meal that’s sure to spice up any night.

Ingredients 300g chicken thigh fillets Spiced chicken mix (1tsp smoked paprika,1tsp ground coriander, 1tsp dried oregano) 8 16cm bamboo skewers 40g (⅓ cup) slivered almonds 100g kale 150g (1 cup) Israeli pearl couscous 40g semi-dried tomatoes 1 lemon 150g Greek yoghurt Olive oil Salt and pepper Marinate chicken Cut the chicken into 3 centimetre cubes and place in a large bowl.

Combine the spiced chicken mix, 1½ tablespoons of oil, salt and pepper in a small bowl and pour

90 The Beast | May 2016

over the chicken. Toss to coat.

Juice half the lemon and cut the other half into wedges.

Prepare chicken and almonds Put the bamboo skewers in a tray and cover them with water to soak.

Put the almonds in a cold frying pan over a medium heat. Toast, shaking the pan for 3 minutes or until golden. Remove and set aside. Trim the kale leaves, discarding the stems and main vein, then finely shred.

Cook couscous Bring 2 litres of water to boil in a medium saucepan over high heat.

Stir in 1 teaspoon of salt and the couscous. Cook the couscous for 20 minutes until al dente then add the kale and cook for a further 2 minutes until tender. Drain and refresh under running water.

Transfer to a large bowl.

Cook chicken Thread the chicken onto the bamboo skewers. Heat 1 tablespoon of oil in a large frying pan over a medium high heat. Cook the

chicken for 5 minutes each side, until cooked through. Remove, cover loosely with foil and set aside to rest for 2 minutes.

Prepare tomatoes Meanwhile, chop the tomatoes.

Make salad and serve Combine the couscous mixture, tomatoes, almonds, lemon juice and 1 tablespoon of oil. Season with salt and pepper. Divide salad and skewers amongst serving plates. Dollop with yoghurt and serve with lemon wedges Every Marley Spoon meal takes around 30 minutes to prepare, in only six steps. These meals can be delivered to your door, with all the ingredients you need, in minimal, recyclable packaging.

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combined into a thick dough (you may need to scrape down the sides of the food processor).

Chill it out Transfer dough to a bowl, cover and refrigerate for a few hours or overnight. This will allow the dough to firm up and become more manageable for shaping.

Shape it Take small spoonsful of the dough and roll into ball shapes. Place balls onto a tray lined with baking paper.

Prepare chocolate Fill a large bowl halfway with hot water and place a smaller bowl inside. Add the cacao butter and stir for a few minutes until all of the cacao butter is melted. Add the cacao powder and maple syrup and stir well to remove any lumps.

Vegan indulgence.

Super Healthy ‘Peanut Butter’ Cups Words & Picture Tamika Woods

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aster may be over, but that doesn’t mean that the chocolate cravings are gone. Tame those desires with these healthy, sweet treats that combine two classic flavours: creamy chocolate and salty peanut butter.

For me, the best healthy recipes are those that reappropriate an old (less than healthy) favourite.

This is a healthy alternative for the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup lovers out there.

You may be surprised to find chickpeas as an ingredient in the peanut butter filling. This is certainly not something you would normally find in a sweet recipe, but don’t cast it aside just yet. The chickpeas are essential for creating the filling’s doughy consistency.

Without them, it would be impossible to mould and shape the dough. Surprisingly, the chickpeas don’t change the flavour of the filling at all, but instead provide it with structural support (and a

92 The Beast | May 2016

sneaky protein boost). If you’ve got chocolate cravings but still want to be healthy (and vegan!), give this recipe a try.

Ingredients For the peanut butter dough 1 can (400g) chickpeas (drained and rinsed well) 1/2 cup peanut butter 1/4 cup coconut flour 1/4 cup maple syrup (use rice malt, honey or stevia if you prefer) 1 tsp vanilla powder 1 good pinch of Himalayan salt For the raw chocolate shell 1/2 cup cacao butter (grated if in large pieces) 1/2 cup raw cacao powder 1/4 cup of maple syrup (or your own choice of sweetener, as above) Mix the dough Combine all of the peanut butter dough ingredients in a food processor and process until well

Drop it One by one, drop the peanut butter balls into the liquid chocolate and very gently stir to ensure the entire surface has been covered. Use a fork to scoop the dough out of the liquid chocolate and let it drip for a few seconds to remove excess.

Set it Place each ball back on the baking paper and continue until all of the balls have been covered in chocolate. Place chocolates in the fridge to set.

Eat it Enjoy your healthy treats and store any leftovers in the fridge to ensure the chocolate does not melt.

Tamika Woods is a Nutritional Medicine student and founder of Sproutly Stories, a new health food blog designed to translate evidence-based information into digestible pieces of knowledge.

Her wholesome recipe ideas inspire others to implement their health learnings in an easy and delicious way. For more guilt free recipes from Tamika, please visit www.sproutlystories.com.

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Pétillant-naturel Wines – What are They?

Words & Picture Alex Russell Instagram @OzWineGuy

I

t’s fair to say that most of us who like fizz want to drink Champagne, but we can’t always afford it. The Aussie and Kiwi fizz producers have done a great job making decent bubbles affordable, and many of us have also discovered the budget-friendly Prosecco, which is made in a slightly different style, but ends up with similar flavour characteristics.

That said, sometimes we want to drink something a bit different.

There are always those sweeter styles, like Astis and Moscato bubbles, but they can be a bit too sweet for many of us. If we want to drink some bubbles, but want to drink something that tastes a bit different to those Champagne styles, what should we go for?

Enter the ‘new’ kid on the block – pét-nat, short for Pétillantnaturel. Well, it’s not actually that new. The method used to make wines in this style is called Méthode Ancestrale. It’s gained a lot of traction here recently, so let’s explore what it is.

Champagnes and most Aussie, Kiwi and Spanish drops are made in 94 The Beast | May 2016

the Méthode Champenoise or Méthode Traditionelle style. Here, the juice from the grapes is initially fermented to produce wine. The wine is bottled, and yeast and (usually) sugar are added. A secondary fermentation takes place in bottle, which is where the bubbles come from.

With pét-nat wines, a term used to describe any wines made using Méthode Ancestrale, the wine is bottled before the first fermentation is finished. This means that the yeast from the initial fermentation is still converting sugar to alcohol, and in doing so, producing bubbles. No additional yeast or sugar is required.

It’s a pretty simple method and the product is also fairly simple, which is a nice change from the super-complex styles. They can be red, white or rosé. They’re often cloudy because they’re not filtered.

And they’re often under crown seals, like a beer, which is fine because that’s what they use on Champagne bottles while they’re fermenting too.

Because there’s nothing added (sometimes minimal sulphur

dioxide, but often none at all) they fit in well with today’s market, and the price points are reasonable too.

The wines are fun, vibrant and incredibly smashable. Like life, they shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

And, best of all, there are more and more producers here in Australia making them.

La Violetta makes two: the Spunk Nat, a fascinating blend of Shiraz and Riesling, and the Frank Nat, a Chenin Blanc and Cabernet Franc blend. Mount Langi, surprisingly, seems to have made an ‘undisgorged’ sparkling Pinot Noir in what may be the Pét-nat style ($35). Jauma Wines, well known for making natural and envelope pushing wines, produces a Pét-nat Blewitt Springs Chenin ($27). Sassafras, from Canberra, makes one from Savagnin, which is getting rave reviews. And BK Wines has released one mostly from Chardonnay.

I’m limited to how many I can list due to space, but no doubt the list will continue to grow. And don’t forget the imports. There is lots of great stuff being made overseas too.

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Across 1. Landlocked European country (11) 6. Passenger car with four doors (5) 7. To leave out or exclude (4) 9. Temporary orange tattoo (5) 10. Type of food for livestock (6) 11. Bed for a baby (3) 13. Enclosure to confine animals (4) 15. Delivering a joke without laughing or smiling (7) 16. Santa’s helper (3) 17. Indian flat round bread (4) 18. Adrien Brody war movie about a musi-

cian, The … (7) 19. Mediumsized sailing boat (5) 20. Hang around longer than necessary (6) Down 1. 2015 NBA MVP (7,5) 2. Crazy (6) 3. Inflatable motorboat (6) 4. Not out of the ordinary (3,2,3,4) 5. Mentioning famous people one knows to impress others (4,8) 6. Arnold Schwarzenegger cyborg movie, The … (10) 12. Enjoy greatly; condiment (6) 14. To attain (3)

Trivial Trivia

Words Dan Hutton Picture Amaury Tréguer - www.morningbondi.com 1.True or false: The word ‘dandruff ’ is a Spanish term meaning ‘desiccated coconut’?

2. Which two original members of Guns N’ Roses recently rejoined the band for a North American tour?

3. Who won the 2016 US Masters Golf Tournament?

Morning dips at Bondi.

96 The Beast | May 2016

4. What is the name of the international day honouring workers, which is held annually on May 1?

5. How many players take to the field in a game of Quidditch?

6. What is the Māori name of New Zealand’s highest mountain?

7. Which acclaimed Australian artist is best known for his paint-

ings of Margaret Olley and the ‘Bali Nine’ drug smugglers?

8. Does a dunnart have feathers, fur or fins?

9. Which Canadian actor plays the role of Deadpool in the movie of the same name?

10. In which local suburb would you find Tom Caddy’s Steps?

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23 A corn kernel will mysteriously appear in your dunny bowl, even though you can't recall devouring a cob in many years.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22 It's time to decide: pack up and relocate or sit at home watching TV, mourning the loss of the once fun and free city of Sydney.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23 You don't have to be religious to be spiritual. Religion is a pre-packaged, dumbed down product for people who lack the capacity to think.

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20 You're punching well above your weight so think about locking in what you've got before they realise this and promptly flee.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23 Stop fast forwarding your way through life as if you're preparing for a better time. The time to live is now; get off your arse and get amongst it.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19 You've got an opportunity to help someone who really needs you. For a slight inconvenience today, you'll be able to exploit them for eternity.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20 Aim up and take responsibility for your shit decisions. I know the devil made you do it, but it was still you who actually did it.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23 Why work so hard when you can get rich by borrowing money and buying heaps of houses. What could possibly go wrong?

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20 You'll realise that you have no freedom when you have to ask about five different people for permission to go away with mates for a week.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21 The only way you'll ever be happy is by spending less than you earn, which means you either need to earn more, or spend less. It's that simple.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22 Ignore hundreds of years of scientific research and let a few hours on Facebook influence any important medical decisions you may face.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20 You'll read these horoscopes and think 'I could come up with better horoscopes than these', but you won't because you're full of shit.

Star Signs

Words Beardy from Hell

Trivial Trivia Solutions

NEVER ARRIVE WITH BROKEN BOARDS AGAIN

1. False 2. Slash and Duff McKagan 3. Danny Willett 4. May Day 5. 14 (7 on each team) 6. Aoraki 7. Ben Quilty 8. Fur 9. Ryan Reynolds 10. Clovelly 1

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