The Beast - February 2018

BEAST The

February 2018

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WELCOME TO FEBRUARY 2018... NO REST FOR THE WICKED Words Dan and James Hutton

W

elcome to the February 2018 edition of The Beast – the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East - and welcome back to work as well.

A scroll through our Instagram feed makes us feel like half of Sydney goes on holidays from Melbourne Cup Day to Australia Day, but we’ve been hard at it the whole time. Well, maybe not the entire time, but we haven’t been bludging in Bali, Byron, Banff or Bendalong like every other lucky bugger.

Local lifeguard and fireman Trent ‘Maxi’ Maxwell graces the cover of our February 2018 edition.

Maxi came to prominence as a knockabout lifeguard on Channel Ten’s Logie-winning reality TV series Bondi Rescue. We caught up with him for a coffee and a quick chat during the month.

In local news, Siriol Dafydd (yes, it’s a great name) has penned a piece on the CBD and South East

8 The Beast | February 2018

Light Rail Project. Anyone who has to drive down Alison Road, Anzac Parade or George Street is probably sick to death of it but we’re hoping it actually adds some value upon completion. Will it make a difference to the traffic congestion?

It would bloody well want to after they slyly lopped down all those beautiful old trees under the cover of darkness, but only time will tell.

Elicia Murray has written an article about Running for Premature Babies founder Sophie Smith’s selection to take part in the Queen’s Baton Relay for the Commonwealth Games, after she was secretly nominated by a teacher at the preschool her sons used to attend. The group has raised more than $2.6 million for medical research and life-saving equipment at the Royal Hospital for Women’s Newborn Intensive Care Centre in Randwick since its inception 11 years ago.

Duncan ‘The Horse’ Horscroft caught up with Bondi journalist Derek Rielly to discuss his recently released book, Wednesdays with Bob. This extraordinary portrait of Australia’s ‘larrikin’ PM was penned after Rielly was invited to Hawke’s home at Northbridge for a series of intimate interviews.

Catriona Stirrat has also written a piece outlining the packed and diverse schedule for the upcoming Surf 's Up @ The Pav festival, which will take place at Bondi Pavilion throughout February.

Thanks again to everyone involved in the production and delivery of The Beast each month. You’ll have to let us off the hook if there are a few spelling mistakes in this edition - we pulled an all-nighter to get it proofread and off to the printers in time - and we hope you enjoy the final month of yet another splendid Sydney summer.

Dan and James - Publishers

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Contents

February 2018 Issue 157 8 Welcome Note 12 Pearls of Wisdom 14 Monthly Mailbag 20 Local Bloke 22 Local Chick 24 Thumbs and Dogs 26 Local News 27 Beastpops 42 Calendar

43 44 52 54 56 57 58 60 62

Trade Directory Interview Satire Unreliable Guide Fish ‘n’ Tips Tide Chart Sporting Life Headnoise Enviro News

64 66 68 70 72 76 80 82 82

Sexy Time Travel Bug Local Photos Reviews Arts Bits Food & Wine Trivial Trivia Beardy From Hell Trivia Solutions

Family day at the beach, by Camilo Bustamante.

Pleased to meat you.

ONE-UPPING THE FUDDY-DUDDY VEGETARIANS Words Pearl Bullivant Picture Stefani Germanotta

A

s a vegetarian, Pearl is finding it quite difficult to swallow the veganism trend. Those of us who have shunned meat for ethical, religious or health reasons have always hovered silently in society’s epicurean background.

Being ridiculed by restaurateurs who consider pork belly to be the apex of gastronomy, slurred as “leftie greenie weirdos” by right wing shock jocks, we have suffered social stigma for our diet and beliefs and we have been forced to dine at home or suffer the tiresome vegetarian lasagne offering that appears on restaurant menus as a patronising afterthought.

12 The Beast | February 2018

But some time in early 2016, bored and vacuous ‘influencers’ decided that yoga and kombucha weren’t cutting it as wellness fads.

They were seeking a diet that would make them more mindful, grateful and centred; one that would allow them to play pretend hippy while saving random animals.

But, of course, it all had to be taken to the extreme, one-upping those fuddy-duddy vegetarians and going the whole hog by becoming vegan, while the rest of Australia remained overweight from a diet of fast food and soft drink (not counting Dominos’ vegan mozzarella pizza, of course).

It’s amazing how veganism emerged out of nowhere, usurping the sugar-free trend overnight.

One minute the affluent middle class are chowing down on nose to tail beef broth, the next they are smugly shunning eggs, honey and dairy, existing on nothing but plants in the name of clean eating.

While once upon a time it was difficult to find a decent vegetarian restaurant, now the Hipsterville ‘burbs are awash with cafés eager to stay on-trend with vegan offerings.

I should be grateful, but I’m not. I fear that veganism is just another hypocritical fad, in the same way that Yummy Mummies embraced organic and fair trade to offset their diesel-spewing 4WDs. They started with paleo, sidelined into kale, kombucha, green elixir and paddleboard yoga, and turned eating vegetables into something uniquely hip - as if we needed the educated and affluent to point out how healthy a meat-free diet is.

At the same time, I am not seeing an equivalent demand for vegan shoes and bags, and where are the mass protests over Big Gina’s live cattle export to China, or the slaughter of donkeys to satisfy China’s demand for ‘medicine’ made from equine skin? But, I am seeing a wellness industry and ‘influencers’ eager to exploit the vegan market with crap like, “There is a desire for something deeper,” and, “There’s a profound shift; people want to invest in themselves, not a handbag.” Hell, that sounds like profound pig poo to me, not an ethical, healthy diet.

I truly believe that if the world embraced a meat-free diet (not as an affluent trend but as an ethical, cheap and healthy way of eating), we could solve a raft of environmental and political problems. But when I see photos of an attractive blonde family with their vegan pedigree dogs residing in an affluent suburb and bragging about their “mango, berries, flaxseed, chia and spinach vegan morning smoothie” I actually want to puke - it’s not about animal welfare, it’s about one-upmanship and bragging rights.

THE BEAST'S MONTHLY MAILBAG Words The People of the Eastern Suburbs A JOLLY GOOD READ Dear Sir or Madam - That Beast’s a good read isn’t it? No, really. The arc of British history drawn from the life and times of Mr Noel Gallagher – you gotta larff. Who needs that Churchill geezer?

As far as ‘multitasking’ goes (Multitasking - Fact, Fiction or Foe?, The Beast, December 2017), when the energy expended swapping tasks exceeds the energy expended doing those tasks, it’s called ‘thrashing’ (in computer operating systems), or at least it was; it’s probably now called ‘mental health issues’. A piece in The Economist recently suggested this phenomenon may be an outcome of the digital infestation of the workplace and the resulting collapse in coherence. Keep up the good work.

Gareth Davies Bellevue Hill FEED THEM ALL MUSHROOMS Dear Editors - You have to love the blind idealism of the underground car park advocates. There's never a mention of all those ‘difficult’ questions: How much it is going to cost? How would Council ever find that sort of money? How do you build a car park into the water table? No, just wild speculation about green space gained and missed opportunities.

What I want to know is, where did this idea about a “tree-shaded pedestrian boulevard” come from?

Nowhere will you find a reference to it in any of Waverley Council's literature on the subject. Not in the 14 The Beast | February 2018

artist renderings, nothing. Bondi letter writers Bill Davies, Marco Christiano and Mark Hersey all like to re-use this exact phrase (I think ‘canard’ might be a more accurate word) - is it because they are all the same person? In any case, Bondi Beach already has a “treeshaded pedestrian boulevard,” right behind the Pavilion - oh whoops, these would-be greenie car park advocates want to see every one of those shady, mature trees woodchipped for an underground car park!

If the futurists are to be believed, underground car parks are going to become stranded assets as autonomous vehicles become the norm and personal car ownership falls. The search will then be on to try to find something to do with them - maybe they'd be suitable for growing mushrooms in? I think Waverley Council dodged a bullet on this one and did us all a favour.

Andrew Worssam Bondi PARKING IS NOT A RIGHT, BUT A PRIVILEGE The Eastern Suburbs - a place where so many people would love to live, but some who already live here don't know how lucky they are. We have everything: sand, surf, cafés, schools, green space, coastal walkways, etc. But what we also have are cars.

We now live in apartments, some with parking and some without. We now have houses where kids are living at home and require cars. So, with the amount

of population, cars, and those who drive them, we have an issue with parking. Councils have a Parking Permit Scheme for many areas.

Some people, I assume, baulk at the idea of getting a permit to park their car on the street, but no one owns a road. In cities across the world they have parking permits.

The people of the Eastern Suburbs have to get used to all this traffic and the resultant parking issues if they want to keep driving their cars.

Many also baulk at the idea that the traffic is bad (which it is, since many new apartments have been built), but councils are not doing anything about it. I don't know how they can do anything about it if more people are using their cars. There seems to be no solution to the parking woes of the area, as many more people are deciding to live here.

So I say to the people of The Eastern Suburbs: stop your whining. There are no solutions, unless they demolish some houses for parking bays. Anyway, I have done my bit to reduce the overcrowding of the east; I have recently moved to Canberra. So thanks for many decades Eastern Suburbs, but soon Sydney will be a car park and no one will be able to go anywhere.

Now is your time to get out!

Anna Cook Canberra CHRISTMAS CHEERIO I was so moved by Malcolm Turnbull’s warm Christmas greetings in The Beast that I decided to send copies to the good folks transiting in Manus and Nauru, who will no doubt enjoy another Christmas knowing the Australian Government, in true Christian tradition, cares deeply about them and their families at this joyous time of year.

David Beins Randwick A SIMPLE EXPLANATION Shalom to reader Greg, who was hassled by an over-zealous security volunteer at his residence near Central Synagogue, Bondi Junction (Ridiculous Insecurity, Letters,

IN 2018...

I’M GOING TO START YOGA AT DHARMA SHALA

108 Brighton Blvd, BONDI BEACH yoga@dharmashala.com.au +612 9665 4262

The Beast, December 2017). Certainly by your account, the security volunteer's behaviour was OTT and common sense and common courtesy should have prevailed.

Just to provide some context to your letter, there have been a string of anti-Semitic incidents in recent times, including bomb threats to the Jewish Museum in Darlinghurst and the bashing of an Orthodox man walking home through Bondi on a Friday evening. Security is ramped up on the few days of the year when there may be hundreds of people moving through the synagogue for prayer services throughout the day. Hopefully this can be managed with a minimum of disruption to the rest of the community.

Ron Fleischer Randwick HOW TO PARK FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIKE IN A 2-HOUR ZONE ▼ Dear Beast - I thought others might want to know how to avoid parking fines and park for as long as they like in the Waverley Local Government Area.

16 The Beast | February 2018

Parking is a mess in Bondi Junction; gym goers, shoppers, commuters... with my method there is only a very slim risk of getting a ticket when you stay beyond two hours, or even all day.

Cathy Bondi Junction PARKING PRESSURE To live in the Eastern Suburbs is to live under parking pressure. It is not unusual to park 200 meters or more from your dwelling - this goes with the territory.

There has been a backhanded acknowledgement by Waverley Council that parking is difficult, otherwise why were all the ‘No Standing’ signs next to street corners in our immediate area removed years ago?

In our street there was a spot that fitted a small car but it did, however, encroach marginally on the 12 meter-wide driveway apron of a nearby unit block. We had used this spot sometimes for our small car, for at least a decade. But something suddenly changed and my wife and I were booked twice

in two days. The second one we spotted but the first one we did not - the ticket must have blown off the car - but either way we lost several hundred dollars in fines.

Why does local government always go for the low blow? Maybe it was time to mark this spot for a different use? Maybe they wanted to make it for two scooters or whatever, but rather than think like this or, heaven forbid, consult locals, it is so much easier for them to just send in the parking police and cause hundreds of dollars in expense to residents.

It is the same old bureaucratic ugliness: ‘We need to get a message across, let's do it with a sledgehammer’. Nothing has changed, small cars still try and use the spot, so I suppose another round of fines are imminent. It’s just all so unnecessary.

Concerned Lugar Street Resident Bronte BUS BASTARDRY The Editors - According to Australian Bureau of Statistics estimated resident population figures, Bronte had a resident population of 7,345 in 2016. When I enter 2024 (Bronte’s postcode) into the Return and Earn website, a mere three return locations are specified. These are Giant Chilli Thai at Charing Cross, which does not appear to have off street parking and is in a ‘No Stopping’ area with limited trading hours, Waverley Supermarket in Bronte Road, which does not seem to have a website and no obviously ascertainable phone number, and a café in Randwick. Each of these return locations requires over-thecounter return.

A miserable 10c per container is offered, which is hardly an inducement to cart smelly, sticky empties to an inconvenient location. I guess one could spend the time required to individually wash the containers prior to putting them in the car, but 100 containers to get $10 isn’t much reward for lifting 100 stubbies (let alone longnecks) from the boot and carting them to the counter.

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But even then, not much will change, apart from the price increase of 15-20c per container, of which nearly all will go in the yellow bin as per usual. The government will, of course, pocket the value of the containers not processed under the scheme.

This is the Liberal National lot that gave us the Packer casino, the greyhound fiasco, the council merger mess, the Emergency Services Levy farce and the Powerhouse Museum bungle, among others. It is pandering to those who wish to profit from our population over-expanding and is throwing money at stadia and rich league clubs while schools and hospitals are languishing.

The Liberal Party seems impervious to the wishes and expectations of the electorate and is becoming less acceptable at federal, state and local government levels. Waverley Council elections reflected local dismay over the unacceptable plans for the Bondi Pavilion and the closing of Queen Elizabeth Drive to beachgoers.

Now Murriverie Road bus users have had their bus stops altered to their disadvantage, and those accustomed to a bus service from Bronte to Central have had it discontinued for no perceptible reason. I might add that my local member, Bruce Notley-Smith, did not even acknowledge my email complaint about the Bronte bus.

Public transport should be made more convenient, not more difficult, especially for an aging population. But what does this government care? It has no concern for, and is making life more expensive and less convenient for, its constituents. I certainly wouldn’t wish to buy shares in it, assuming that there are any that developers haven’t already purchased.

Greg Maidment Bronte LYCRA ASSOCIATED ARROGANCE A new syndrome has infected the self-conscious consumers of modern day, first world societies, and Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs are at the hipster coalface. Lycra, 18 The Beast | February 2018

spandex, activewear, whatever you want to call it - a glimpse at the sci-fi-predicted future of dynamic interactive clothing is currently underway.

The growth in the trend of it being uniformly acceptable to openly wear lycra when indulging in ‘exercise’, or general daily activities, has hit an all-time high, supported by the growth in acceptance of interaction via the politically overcorrect, faceless medium of social media. This modern day soapbox encourages ‘criticism of critical opinion’ to the point that it has enveloped and condemned the free speaking of non-conformist thoughts and/or ‘taking the piss’, in favour of protecting the offended few riding on their squeaky wheels of righteousness.

Going out in public dressed in skin tight Lycra is the closest that many wearers ever get to being naked in public. It seems that a major side effect of dressing in these outfits is a heightened degree of arrogance, often materialising in situations that jeopardise the safety of the wearer and those around them. I admit to wearing Skins under my football shorts, and motorbike leathers, as supportive undergarments, but find going out dressed only in Skins too distracting and confronting for all to ever be consciously contemplated.

From ‘busy’ mums in SUVs, to road riding ‘exercyclists’ and gym junky, self-loathing, adrenalin seekers, it seems that arrogance and being inconsiderate comes with this socially expected/accepted uniform. This then manifests into the ‘It’s everyone else’s responsibility to make allowances for me to live in my self-righteous world of importance’ trance, which so many people fall under while they’re clad in Lycra. The problem is that karma doesn’t discriminate. Please be aware of what you wear and the signs that you’re becoming a Lycra-induced dickhead.

When attempting to resist Lycra arrogance, some of the things to acknowledge and remember include: Impeding traffic by double parking with your hazard lights

on is illegal. Impeding traffic by knowingly travelling more than 20% below the posted speed limit, without a permit, is illegal. Impeding traffic by jaywalking when rushing to and from exercise (you paid to do), distracted by thoughts of where you know you should be, is illegal. Indicating before you brake, when looking to park, is common courtesy. The use of rear view mirrors should be mandatory on road riding bicycles, as it is for all other road vehicles. Being alert and looking up from your phone when in transit is a common consideration of modern day life.

So when you next choose to dress in skin tight cladding and venture into the urban landscape, please remember that allowing yourself to believe that wearing Lycra gives you superiority and the right to make demands of the gracious good manners of others is intolerable arrogance.

Pedro Norton Maroubra

THE BEAST Publisher The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 www.thebeast.com.au

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vidual would do that? I lost a lot of faith in humanity that day.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? Yes, the Newcastle Knights. Joey Johns now lives down the road from me and I find it strangely disconcerting to live so close to the man who was my hero growing up. They say you should never meet your heroes, so I cross the road whenever I see him, lest he tries to strike up a conversation.

What music are you into at the moment? I’ve become a little obsessed with Loyle Carner and the new Gang of Youths album. Oddly, I’ve also been getting into a lot of old school soul music.

Who is your favourite person? My wife, Alicia, closely followed by the rest of my family. I also really like the guy who eats his muesli waist deep in the Bogey Hole, though I’ve never met him.

What do you get up to on the weekends? Surf, eat, beer, repeat. For now. I have a little one on the way soon, so I assume it’ll be pretty much changing diapers after that.

The wittiest wordsmith in Waverley.

LOCAL BLOKE...

ALASDAIR McCLINTOCK FROM BRONTE Interview and Picture James Hutton

W

or Wet Paint for a relaxed dinner.

Sugarcane in Coogee is becoming a fast favourite too.

How long have you lived here? I've been living here for ten years now.

Where do you like to have a drink?

These days, just on my balcony, although I can be tempted by the Robin Hood. I prefer pubs that don’t feature too heavily on Instagram.

e met Bronte's Alasdair ‘Aldo’ McClintock at Jed's Café, Bondi, back in the day. He now runs his own written content business, Gordon Street. Creative.

Communication. Aldo shares his local favourites with The Beast...

Why do you live here? For the early morning swims.

What's your favourite beach?

Bronte for a swim or Maroubra for a surf.

What's your favourite eatery?

Three Blue Ducks for breakfast 20 The Beast | February 2018

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The beaches. They’re the reason we’re all here, aren’t they?

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The person who stole my pumpkin I spent three months growing. Not technically a thing, I guess, but what kind of sick indi-

What do you do for work? I run my own written content business, Gordon Street. Creative. Communication. We specialise in written content for all businesses, great and small. If you need anything written - a tweet, proposal, newsletter, whatever - shoot me an email at alasdair@gordonstreet.com.au.

What's your favourite thing about work? The variety of the clients I work with. I also take great pleasure in being a part of their journeys and watching their businesses grow.

Do you have a favourite quote?

“Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously.” Or, “Don't hope more than you're willing to work.”

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Stay out of my pumpkin patch!

February 2018 | The Beast 21

Jee will make you look and feel beautiful.

LOCAL CHICK... JEE MORTON FROM COOGEE Interview and Picture James Hutton

C

oogee’s Jee Morton moved to Australia from Thailand after meeting a handsome Coogee local over ten years ago. She is now a beauty therapist at CooJee Beauty in the Junction. Jee shares her local favourites with The Beast...

How long have you lived here? I have lived in Coogee for 11 years.

Why do you live here? I met my husband in Thailand. We had our daughter and got married, and the Eastern Suburbs is where my husband’s family has lived for five generations.

What's your favourite beach? Coogee is my favourite beach but I love to go swimming at Wylies Baths.

What's your favourite eatery?

Anywhere that has great seafood.

I have also come to love Italian food, so La Spiaggia in Coogee is fantastic. A barbecue at home is hard to beat too.

Where do you like to have a drink?

After a long day in the salon, a 22 The Beast | February 2018

glass of wine on the balcony at home with a fresh summer breeze is pretty perfect.

quite famous for playing soccer in the dog park in Coogee.

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? It's close to everything, the people are friendly and it's a great place to raise a family.

What do you get up to on the weekends? I work on Saturdays so my weekend is Sunday and Monday.

I love to relax with my family and friends.

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The dumping of the rental bikes everywhere, and of course the traffic and lack of parking.

What do you do for work? I'm a beauty therapist. I have a salon in Bondi Junction called CooJee Beauty.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? I live in a rugby league house but my favourite sport is soccer so I go for the Socceroos.

What's your favourite thing about work? I love to make my clients look and feel beautiful.

What music are you into at the moment? I love Bruce Springsteen, Bryan Adams and Sam Smith. I also like to listen to old Thai pop songs and the relaxing music that I play in the salon.

Who is your favourite person? My favourite person is my daughter, Athisa, and I love my husband and my extended family. My favourite animal is my dog, Logan. He is

Do you have a favourite quote?

“Life is too short, so fill it with love, peace and harmony.”

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Give yourself, or someone you love, a gift.

Make an appointment at CooJee Beauty to relax, renew and revive your mind and body. Please call 0411 397 544 or just pop in to the salon on level 1, 116 Spring Street, Bondi Junction.

February 2018 | The Beast 23

SALLY Age 2 years Sex Female Breed Cattle x Kelpie Weight 22.8kg

Aussie Under 16s surfing champ, Grayson Hinrichs.

THUMBS UP GRAYSON HINRICHS The Bondi boy just became the first male surfer from the Eastern Suburbs to win an Australian Junior Title since Bronte's Tom Whittaker way back in 1996.

CHANGE THE DATE Don't celebrate a day that continues the hurt of Australia's First Peoples.

We need a new Australia Day for all Australians.

CYCLONE SWELLS It's that time of the year when the tropics start sending some perfect lines down for us to enjoy. Let's hope it's a good season.

LIVING WITHIN YOUR MEANS You never know when a rainy day is just around the corner, but you're far less likely to get left high and dry if you live within your means.

SOUTHERLY BUSTERS There’s something special about the spectacular systems that march in from miles away and clear out the beach on a sizzling summer’s day.

THUMBS DOWN OVERPOPULATION Just because total GDP goes up, it doesn’t mean your utility does. Look beyond the numbers and realise how this really affects your quality of life.

GETTING OLD Another day, another ache or pain somewhere in my ageing rig, and I’m not even forty years old yet!

BITCOIN ‘EXPERTS’ You’re nothing but a gambler chasing a quick buck just like every other idiot, so stop pretending otherwise.

RAMPANT CONSUMERISM Tyler Durden said it best: "The things you own end up owning you."

24 The Beast | February 2018

Sally was quite a timid girl when she first came from the pound, but it didn't take long for her to relax and find some doggy friends to play with. Although she is shy around people, she is still very sweet. She walks on lead with encouragement and ignores passing cars and other dogs. Sally comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped. Also included for the love and health of Sally is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For further details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

HEATHER Age 9 years Sex Female Breed Lab x Staffy Weight 26kg Heather is a sweet, gentle lady who loves pats from volunteers. Heather would do best in a quiet home where she can continue to gain confidence and trust.

She is much more comfortable with women and very motivated by treats, which can be used to bribe her to do just about anything. Heather comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped. Also included for the love and health of Heather is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For further details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

GABBIE Age 18 months Sex Female Breed Kelpie x Weight 17.8kg Gabbie is a sweet-natured girl who walks nicely on a loose lead but likes to bark at some passing dogs. She is a sporty girl and really enjoys a jog or a run. She loves all the affection from our team of volunteers and specialises in licking people's faces. She sits on command and has a short coat. Gabbie comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped. Also included for the love and health of Gabbie is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For further details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

Parking will be limited and temporary traffic changes apply. For full details see Council’s website.

www.randwick.nsw.gov.au 1300 722 542

Back to the future.

LIGHT RAIL ON TRACK FOR 2019 COMPLETION Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Mike Baird

I

f you’ve had the misfortune of driving anywhere near George Street, Alison Road or Anzac Parade over the last couple of years, you’ll be painfully aware of the CBD and South East Light Rail works. It has thrown many a sat nav into blind panic (which doesn’t take much) and really slowed things down on Anzac Parade.

Bruce Notley-Smith, Coogee State Member and long-time advocate of the light rail project, acknowledged that, “Like any major infrastructure project, construction of the light rail has been very disruptive to the daily lives of my constituents, and I thank them for their continued patience.”

“I urge those who doubt the success of the project to keep an open mind... I’m confident residents will love the final outcome.”

But when will this construction nightmare end and the benefits start kicking in? According to Transport NSW, the light rail is on track (pun intended) to open in early 2019 (no specific date yet), consisting of 19 stops across 12km, starting from Circular Quay and travelling along George Street to Central Station, through Surry Hills to Moore Park, then on to Kensington and Kingsford via Anzac Parade and Randwick via Alison Road and High Street. This makes little difference to those 26 The Beast | February 2018

in Bondi, Bronte, Tamarama or Maroubra, but for Randwick, Clovelly and Coogee residents, it could sort your commute right out.

Services will run from 5am to 1am. During peak hours (7am7pm), services between the CBD and Moore Park will operate every four minutes, while services along the Randwick and Kingsford branches will operate every eight.

“The system can grow to meet future demand by operating at increased frequency,” a Transport NSW spokesperson told The Beast.

Each vehicle can carry 450 passengers, which is the equivalent of nine buses. Carrying up to 13,500 commuters per hour at peak, this should decrease traffic and provide a more reliable service (see ya later traffic jams).

Another proposed benefit is increased accessibility to sporting venues, hospitals and educational facilities around Moore Park and Randwick. They’ll be ramping up services during busy events (eff you Uber surges) and you can also transfer to the Inner West Light Rail at Central Station, George Street and Haymarket, making your commute to hipster breweries on weekends marginally less faffy.

All fares will be set by Transport NSW, with guidance from the Independent Pricing and Regulatory Tribunal. Nothing has been

set in stone yet but Opal cards will be used across all services.

We may be a bit slow on banning plastic bags, but at least our light rail is environmentally focused! Many have understandably criticised the project for destroying trees and recreational land. According to the Environmental Impact Statement however, “Where the loss of trees is unable to be mitigated, trees would be replaced at a ratio of 2:1.”

According to the Transport NSW website, the light rail will reduce greenhouse gases by 663,000 tonnes over 30 years by decreasing reliance on cars and buses. It uses ten times less energy than a car per passenger kilometre and the vehicles are 99% recyclable. It is also set to generate $3 billion in economic benefit for NSW, including the creation of 4,500 direct jobs between 2014 and 2020.

Statistics aside, how do locals feel about the project? Bronte local Paul believes, “The route is to satisfy the racing interests rather than provide transportation for residents.”

Heather from Coogee says, “On principle I dislike it - the funding source, racecourse money, killing 100 year-old trees, etc. It could end up being great, I’m just skeptical!”

Claire from Kensington acknowledges that the value of her property will increase once the work is finished, but she was very sad to see the huge fig trees removed along Alison Road.

She has also has been hugely affected by the construction.

“They work throughout the night on most nights, with very loud equipment such as jack-hammers...

In the earlier days, I called the complaint line almost in tears because it was so bad,” she told The Beast.

“They couldn't offer any good solution. Recently, I took up ALTRAC's offer of staying elsewhere for a night and they will reimburse me for up to $200 per room.”

So it seems the general consensus is still somewhat cynical, with many local noses out of joint. But whatever your thoughts on the matter, one thing is for sure: this project is going full steam ahead.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE CBD AND SOUTH EAST LIGHT RAIL PROJECT? Words and Pictures Stiffy McPherson

Jeff

Olivia TAMARAMA

CLOVELLY I think it will be good, it’s just a nightmare at the moment. They need to widen Anzac Parade in Kenso - it’s a massive bottleneck - or it needs to be a clearway.

And those poles are pretty ugly, they need to go underground.

I don’t know if it’s going to affect me at all.

It’s no more of an eyesore in the city than what was already there, but I don’t think they should've chopped those lovely old trees down; they could have worked around them.

Joanna MAROUBRA

Big John RANDWICK

Ultimately I think it will be of great benefit to the area; it will bring a renewed energy. However, during the construction phase a lot of businesses in Kingsford have suffered and the area will not bounce back for quite a while.

I like that there are no fumes, it’s not noisy, and the timetables are more reliable.

I love the cosmopolitan feel of Melbourne and I think the trams create that atmosphere. It will turn Sydney into a more cosmopolitan city.

Marcelo BONDI

Veronique COOGEE

The light rail project is marvellous. It’s going to clear the streets and give people more time to do other things like spend time with their families or go surfing. It won’t really affect me but it will be great for those further south.

At the moment it’s a bit of a mess but it will be good when it's operational.

I have a small business in Coogee and it will bring people here. The local businesses need more visitors, especially in winter.

February 2018 | The Beast 27

Pounding the pavement for premmies.

BLAZING A TRAIL FOR PREMATURE BABIES Words Elicia Murray Picture Jesse Taylor

T

here will be something different about Sophie Smith when she runs into Little Bay on February 4.

A few things different, actually.

The Coogee founder of the Running for Premature Babies Foundation (RFPB) will not be wearing her signature bright purple singlet, imprinted with the names and tiny handprints of Henry, Jasper and Evan, the babies she lost at one hour, 10 days and 58 days respectively after they were born at 24 weeks in 2006.

She’ll also have her hands full.

Smith has been selected to take part in the Queen’s Baton Relay for the Commonwealth Games on the Gold Coast, having been secretly nominated by a teacher at the preschool her sons Harvey and Owen used to attend.

“I’m not allowed to wear the purple kit - I have to wear an official uniform,” Smith says. “But I will be asking members of my team to come along and cheer me on wearing their Running for Premature Babies uniforms.”

The former primary school teacher says she feels like she’ll be representing everyone who has supported the charity.

“I’ll also be carrying the baton on behalf of Henry, Jasper, Evan and, of course, Ash, and all prematurely born children, both living and lost.”

28 The Beast | February 2018

Smith’s husband Ash, with whom she co-founded RFPB, died from brain cancer two years ago.

In the 11 years since it started, the group has raised more than $2.6 million. The money has been spent on medical research and life-saving equipment at the Royal Hospital for Women’s Newborn Intensive Care Centre in Randwick.

The charity is once again on the hunt for runners to take part in The Sydney Morning Herald Half Marathon on May 20. Last year, the group fielded 520 runners - its biggest team so far, and the event’s largest single team.

In 2018, Smith hopes to at least match the $400,000 they raised in 2017. As well as funding research, the group’s goal is to raise enough money to buy a new monitoring system for the 16-bed ward where the sickest babies spend their earliest days.

Runners - and would-be runners - of all levels are invited to sign up.

The 21.1 kilometre course can be split between two people as a relay.

A free 16-week training program is offered, with sessions at Centennial Park on Sunday mornings, plus Wednesday evening sessions at Queens Park, The Domain and Balgowlah.

The purple kit is also included, courtesy of Running Bare and Ash’s former employer, BT Investment

Management, now the charity’s corporate partner. Each runner is asked to raise at least $200.

Smith says most team members don’t have a direct link to premature birth; they’re there for the sense of camaraderie, the free training and the warm-fuzzies that come from supporting such a great cause.

Others have deeply personal connections. This time last year, Smith met two new team members, Cat Webb and Pat Bell, whose niece Amity Peats was born at The Royal Hospital for Women at 23 weeks, weighing just 500 grams. She spent the first five months of her life in hospital, supported by equipment the charity had donated.

A few weeks ago, Smith received an email containing a recent photo of the couple with their niece.

“The doctors have told me that so far approximately 4,000 babies have benefited from the equipment we have provided,” she says. “I hear the numbers but for me, just seeing the photo of this little girl with a bow in her hair and a smile on her face on her first birthday makes it all worthwhile.”

Smith hopes to broaden the reach and impact of the charity’s work, helping more hospitals. She has run marathons in New York and Chicago. Others have raised money competing in events around Australia and overseas.

As if land wasn’t enough, Smith has also taken up ocean swimming.

RFPB budgie smugglers and swimsuits are available.

While her athletic and fundraising workload would be enough to drive most people to Netflix and chill, Smith has also found time to write her memoir, with journalist Deborah Fitzgerald. Sophie’s Boys (Affirm Press) is scheduled for release in April and will, she hopes, help make it easier for people to understand and discuss infant loss and brain cancer.

“I don’t want it to be a story of tragedy,” Smith says. “It’s a story of hope. Even out of great tragedy, something really beautiful can come.”

For more information or to donate, please visit Sophie's website, runningforprematurebabies.com.

IN

EIGHTEEN become a member TODAY

BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Jamie Street Instagram @bondiwakeup BRONTE SWIMMING CENTENARY The Bronte Swimming Club is celebrating its centenary on February 10 and is inviting past and present members to join in for ‘100 laps for 100 years’. The club was originally started in 1916 by a number of local swimmers including Fanny Durack, Mina Wylie and Anne Brown. Fanny and Mina went on to represent Australia at the 1912 Olympic Games. Anne Brown was the mother of Margot Hickman, who was president of the club for many years. Margot’s granddaughter, Brooke Copland, is the current president, making it five generations of the Brown/ Hickman/Copland family at the club. 1938 Empire Games gold medallist Evelyn Whillier also swam with the club for many years, as did her grandson and great grandchildren. The celebrations will kick off at 9am. Please visit www.bronteswimming.com.au.

check out the wide range of affordable courses, from boxing to bridge, harmonica to hula hoop, painting to pilates, or tai chi to Turkish cooking - yep, there are so many possibilities! Start something new this year with classes located at Bondi, Coogee, Dover Heights, Erskineville, Randwick and Alexandria. You can check out their wide range of courses at www.cityeastcc.com.au or call them on 9387 7400.

FUN SUMMER COURSES Embrace your passion at City East Community College - your local, non-profit, adult education provider. For new skills, improved fitness, or to advance your career,

NO PAIN, NO GAIN Researchers at Neuroscience Research Australia are conducting research into how to prevent and treat back pain. New research shows that there are changes in the

Bondi peak hour.

WARDY AND DAVE DELIVER Following our article in the December edition of The Beast, Mal Ward’s Christmas Present Drive was a raging success, with over 700 presents delivered to the children’s hospitals. This year Mal joined forces with Dave Martin from Coogee’s Courtyard Café, who also collected gifts for shelters for homeless men and abused women and children.

brain when someone has pain for a long time. Using this knowledge of the brain and how it changes with pain, they have developed new treatments for chronic lower back pain. If you are between 18 and 70 years of age and live in the Sydney Metropolitan area and would be interested in participating in a study to help determine whether these treatments are effective or not, please contact the researchers by emailing resolve@neura.edu.au.

For more information, please visit www.neura.edu.au/resolve.

ADANI IS A PRICK At a recent Council meeting, Randwick Greens Councillor Murray Matson successfully moved that the council lobby the federal MPs for Kingsford Smith and Wentworth on the need to withdraw all support and funding for new coal mines, including the contentious Adani (Carmichael) project in Queensland. The motion supports an urgent need for a transition from fossil fuels to renewable energy, and objects to government support and funding for any new coal mines as well as extensions of existing coal mines.

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February 2018 | The Beast 31

Who doesn't enjoy a cigar every now and then?

HAWKE TELLS ALL ON WEDNESDAYS Words Duncan Horscroft Picture Richard Freeman

B

ob Hawke is the most electorally successful Labor Party leader in Australian political history.

He rose from the ranks as a research officer in the ACTU to become its president in 1969, before being elected to the House of Representatives and then becoming Prime Minister in 1983.

That was the same year he announced that, “Any boss who sacked anyone today for not turning up is a bum,” when Australia won the America’s Cup. Journalist Derek Rielly has penned an extraordinary portrait of Australia’s ‘larrikin’ PM, titled Wednesdays with Bob (Pan MacMillan $29.95), after being invited 32 The Beast | February 2018

to his home at Northbridge for a series of intimate interviews.

“I was asked if I wanted to write a book and when the idea was pitched to Bob’s wife, Blanche D’Alpuget, she loved it,” Derek told The Beast.

“It was an extraordinary experience and so many doors opened up.”

“I was lucky enough to interview former Liberal PM rival John Howard, Labor allies Gareth Evans and Kim Beazley, diplomat Richard Woolcott, economist Ross Garnaut and friends Col Cunningham and John Singleton.”

The book is a strange, funny, uniquely personal study of a man who held the leadership for four terms and won the hearts of many

Australians as a leader who was always in the corner for the Aussie battler.

Derek recalled on the first visit Hawke looking up from his cryptic crossword to examine the visitor.

“The rehearsed greetings, ‘Oh, Mr Hawke, it’s a pleasure beyond my imagination to be in your company...’ ‘Good afternoon, Mr Hawke, I’m extremely delighted to...’ are forgotten. ‘Mate. Mate.

Hello... mate!’ ‘Did you bring a cigar?’ Hawke greets me in return,” Derek said.

And even during Derek’s fourth visit it was already, “Mate I just gotta have a leak.”

Former advertising guru and multi-millionaire knockabout John Singleton has been good pals with Hawke for almost four decades and the chapter on Singo provides a hilarious insight into two great Aussie characters.

“F**k me drunk... Hawke’s changed his f**king number,” Singo says when trying to ring Hawke to ask if there’s anything he shouldn’t say to the interviewer.

Hawke cemented his friendship with Singo when he employed him to run the Labor Party election campaign.

Even though Singo had created anti-Labor ads in 1974, Hawke approached him at a black tie dinner party when Labor was sliding in the polls during Hawke’s third term as PM. “Listen mate; all the polls, all the advertising... is all shit. You’re the only one that knows this business and I’ve got a deal for you,” Hawke tells Singo. “If I get you to handle the campaign... you have to promise to be on my side... and you have to promise never to dud me.”

Singo replies: “Mate, I’d love to.

You’re a genius, I’m a mug, but I will never dud ya.”

These are just a few anecdotes from a book that includes topics like TV host Sonia Kruger’s views on Islam, ‘On Being a Politician’, ‘Ending Aparthied’, chapters on Kim Beazley, John Howard and even ‘Tapping a Keg’.

All in all it’s a great insight into a great Australian political legend.

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Jess Bianchi’s brilliant film, Given, will be screening on February 24.

SURF’S UP @ THE PAV: WHERE THE OLD MEETS THE NEW Words Catriona Stirrat Picture Cody Welsh

I

f you’ve ever wanted to time travel but haven't been prepared to sacrifice life in the 21st century, Bondi Pavilion’s Surf ’s Up @ The Pav may just be your cup of tea.

Throughout the month of February, Bondi Pavilion will host a series of colourful events, each one celebrating what makes life in Bondi so wonderful. With plenty of dancing, film screenings, music, art and presentations livening up the Pavilion’s summer fiesta, you’re pretty much guaranteed to find something of interest. And to top it off, many of these events are free!

Dive back in time on Saturday, February 3, with the Harbour City Hoppers’ outdoor swing class overlooking the beach on the Bondi Pavilion Forecourt. If you prefer to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground, iconic Australian environmentalist Tim Silverwood will be giving a talk on Sunday, February 4, followed by the screening of Blue, a feature length film exploring the ocean’s simultaneous wonder and fragility.

“Blue is a provocative journey into the ocean realm, witnessing this critical moment in time when the marine world is on a precipice.”

34 The Beast | February 2018

The legendary Bondi Surf and Dance will be held on Sunday, February 18. Satisfy your desire to be transported to a Bondi of the past with this revival of the iconic 1940s Surf and Dance at Bondi, the ‘Playground of the Pacific’.

Every Sunday afternoon back in the day, Bondi would get its groove on with dances, cabarets and concerts, all supporting various wartime charities. Now, with the Bondi Surf and Dance’s music provided by the wonderful Andrew Dickeson’s Blue Rhythm Band, and dancing led by the Harbour City Hoppers, no one will be left seated as the Bondi Pavilion revives its old school charm and gets ‘Lindy Hopping’ and ‘West Coast Swinging’ like it’s the 1940s all over again.

Surf ’s Up @ The Pav will also feature a series of screenings of enthralling surf escapades, including Jess Bianchi’s brilliant film Given. Told through the visceral experience of a 6 year-old, Given follows legendary surfers Aamion and Daize Goodwin from their island home of Kauai through 15 different countries in the quest for surf and to fulfill a

calling handed down through generations. Screening on Saturday, February 24, a presentation from the film’s producer and Bondi local Paige Livingston will provide an even deeper insight into the stories behind this poignant film.

For those who love surf and skate photography and film, come down to the Pavilion on Saturday, February 17 to watch Epicly Later’d, a short documentary that looks back at influential filmmaker Spike Jonze’s career and shows how skateboarding influenced his work, from ground breaking music videos to Jackass and then an Academy Award. There will also be a screening of the iconic favourite Big Wednesday on February 14.

On Sunday, February 18, the screening of Bondi the Beautiful’s unfiltered archival footage of the history of Bondi and its people will provide an intriguing combination of rarely-seen archival footage of Bondi, along with revealing stories from current and former Bondi locals including Margaret Whitlam.

Sydney songwriter Alex the Astronaut will be performing unplugged in the Bondi Pavilion Theatre on Friday, February 23.

Praised by Triple J and Elton John for her captivating lyrical and melodic combinations, this fresh talent really knows how to deliver a magical performance.

Further satisfy your cultural cravings on Saturday, February 24, in two separate pyrography workshops directed by Bondi artist James Robinson. Join James for the rare opportunity to create your own uniquely crafted surfboard design and be sure to check out his entrancing, surf-inspired artworks in his free exhibition, Drift, which will also be held throughout February in the Pavilion Gallery.

For more information and to purchase tickets, please visit waverley.nsw.gov.au/theatre.

Surf ’s Up @ The Pav is proudly presented by Waverley Council to celebrate our local ocean, surf and arts culture.

MORE BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Claire Favre Instagram @miss_barra GRAYSON CROWNED KING Bondi's Grayson Hinrichs recently became the first male surfer from the Eastern Suburbs to take out an Australian Junior Title since Bronte’s Tom Whittaker back in 1996. Grayson claimed the Under-16 Boys final at Warrain Beach at Culburra in half decent four-to-five-foot surf. Hinrichs gained the edge over his fellow competitors in the final with an impressive 15.33 two-wave total.

You may recall seeing a photo of Grayson back in 2016 when he speared a 16kg kingfish and carried it home on his skateboard!

HELP FOR COMMUNITY GROUPS Coogee Diggers recently announced that they will be offering free function space and organisational support for local sporting clubs and not-for-profit organisations. The offer is subject to availability and suitability but they will be attempting to help as many groups as possible. If you're planning an event, please email the club at admin@coogeediggers.com with your proposal.

GET YOUR COCK OUT A group of fine young men from around the Eastern Suburbs have once again omitted their kits and taken photos of each other in the name of mental health.

Milky dips.

And, for the third year running, these questionable activities have produced a highly anticipated nude calendar. The project aims to promote discussion and awareness of a topic all too often shrouded in stigma - especially among young males - and has so far raised over $15,000, with all profits going to beyondblue. To get your hands on this year’s calendar and show your support for mental health, please visit www.cheekycalendar.com.

LIGHTING PILOT PROJECT Public lighting is essential for safety but can also be used in creative ways to enhance areas for the community. Over summer, Waverley Council will have two creative lighting pilots installed.

The first will be The Heart of Bondi in Oxford Street Mall, to give the community a taste of what is possible. Visitors will be able to connect with the sculpture as it is an interactive installation that illuminates your heart beat. Council wants to hear which ideas in the Draft Creative Lighting Strategy you would like to see in Waverley.

Please visit www.haveyoursaywaverley.com.au/creativelighting.

RATEPAYERS RORTED Back in July 2017, the State Government announced that all proposed mergers would not

proceed, which included Waverley, Woollahra and Randwick Councils. In August, Waverley Council wrote to the Office of Local Government requesting a reimbursement of $1,068,996 for the merger preparation costs.

Waverley Council then received a letter from the minister indicating that, under the NSW Government’s New Council Implementation Fund Guidelines, funds are not to be used for merger costs incurred prior to the commencement of the new council. Waverley Mayor John Wakefield said the State Government communicated consistently that merger costs would be reimbursed up to $10 million per merged council. Good on you John, I'd be pissed off too.

WHAT'S ON IN RANDWICK Are you bored out of your brain?

Do you have a friend that might benefit from doing a new activity?

Check out Randwick Council’s ‘What’s On’ and you will be amazed at what you can do in your local community. From various author talks to English conversation classes for beginners, you can even learn mah-jong or play chess, bridge and table-top games, or join the knitters group or tai chi class.

The choice is endless and many of the activities are free. Please visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

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February 2018 | The Beast 37

A mountain of dumped share bikes in Xiamen, south-east China.

OF BIKES AND MEN Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Si Klyst

A

famous poet once said: “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry,” a sentiment epitomised by Sydney bike sharing. Like a hot dog eating contest, a venture like this seems like a fun idea but without proper caution will cause discomfort and (worst case scenario) leave a somewhat unpleasant mess.

Dockless bikes are a wonderful concept. Designed to be picked up and dropped off at the rider’s convenience, they reduce traffic and promote fitness. But since their recent appearance, hundreds of bikes have been unceremoniously dumped in some rather inconvenient places. Reports of bikes in trees, under water, and blocking roadways reinforces the sad reality that, as a collective, human beings are a bunch of unruly children not to be trusted with toys.

Many local residents are concerned by their unsightliness.

“I like the convenience of finding them wherever but hate that they can be found wherever!” Patrick from Maroubra told The Beast.

“They’ve changed the streetscape in a negative way they’re an eyesore.”

Another concerned local, Susan Hancock, acknowledged their benefits, despite the mess they cause.

“They popped up overnight like a plague of mushrooms,” she said.

“In my experience, they serve a purpose for short distances and

38 The Beast | February 2018

are definitely convenient, but they look very untidy.”

Colm Doran finds the share bikes “very cheap and easy to use - the hop on, hop off is a huge sell but they definitely need some rules around parking.”

The authorities quickly cottoned on to this and the Southern Sydney Regional Organisation of Councils (SSROC) has recently issued guidelines for the bike companies.

“The group is generally supportive of bike share schemes for a range of reasons, including the public health benefits of active transport, and the alternative to car transport that they present,” a spokesperson for Randwick Council explained to The Beast.

“There are concerns with some aspects of the existing schemes, which could be improved.”

Some of the guidelines effective from December 22, 2017, (subject to a 3-month trial) are: • Operators must inform customers about correct parking, safety checks, and responsible riding.

• All bicycles (including bells, helmets, etc.) must comply with Australian Standards.

• All bikes must be parked in an upright position and not placed where they could pose a hazard.

• Bikes must not interfere with pedestrian access.

• Bikes should be equipped with GPS tracking, and operators must monitor their location at least daily.

• Operators must be proactive in the redistribution of bikes, avoiding build-up.

• Unsafe bikes must be removed immediately.

• Bikes causing a hazard will be relocated within two hours.

Reddy Go have 2,600 bicycles across Sydney. Over 35,000 people have downloaded their app and 1,000 trips are completed daily.

“We employ 30 people running every day to check the condition of our bikes. If a bike has been left at a non popular area for a few days, our GPS would be able to track the location of the bicycle,” their spokesperson said.

“Reddy Go has been working closely together with the councils participating in the SSROC, as well as other bike sharing operators in Sydney. We believe that the guidelines are fair and we will keep cooperating with the officials.”

Scott Walker, Head of Strategy at Ofo, also expressed compliance.

“We're determined to be the bike share platform to run in Australia the ‘right way’ with sufficient local resourcing to ensure that all bikes are maintained, redistributed appropriately, have a helmet, and are parked properly,” he told The Beast.

Mobike launched 500 bikes in the city last November. Their General Manager, Mina Nada, explained that, “While some Mobikes are turning up in the Eastern Suburbs, this is not an area where we have deployed bikes at this stage, and our operations teams redistribute bikes when they enter the area. The 500 bikes that we launched with in Sydney are single gear bikes and we’re conscious that the hilly terrain of the Eastern Suburbs makes the use of these bikes harder. We have three-speed Mobikes arriving in Australia soon, and we expect these will be an asset to the local area.”

So it looks like these bikes/ regurgitated hot-dogs are here to stay. The new guidelines should help keep things tidy and the bike companies seem up for the challenge. Here’s hoping that unruly children (the general public) don’t ruin it!

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Looking south along Anzac Parade from Moore Park Road, circa 1875.

ANZAC PARADE DESERVES BETTER Words Dr Marjorie O’Neill Picture Hercules Robinson

I

n August 1914, after the start of World War I, the first of the volunteer troops were dispatched to German New Guinea. As the war progressed, more troops were dispatched to serve overseas. On their way to board their ships, they marched to the city along Randwick Road. This very road was later named Anzac Parade in their honour, and the Memorial Obelisk was later erected. It was in Moore Park, near Kippax Lake, where the soldiers stopped to bid farewell to their families. This is sacred turf in the history of Australia.

The Anzac Parade Memorial Obelisk, together with the Parade and its grove of trees, became the diggers’ own ANZAC memorial.

Subsequent commemorations held at the Obelisk after the end of the war were less formal than official services - very much a family affair for those who had made it home from the war, while remembering those who did not. Anzac Parade is much more than just a road that connects the East to the city and it deserves far more respect than what it is currently getting.

What a tragedy we now see unfolding along this special road.

If you don’t suspect that powerful forces in NSW have grandiose plans for Moore Park, you simply haven’t been paying attention. A juggernaut development at Moore 40 The Beast | February 2018

Park, no less - part of the State Government’s multi-billion ‘stadium strategy’. This reminds me of that old ‘80s classic kids’ movie, The NeverEnding Story.

Come on Gladys, it’s time to come clean with the full plans that you and your mates have in store for Moore Park.

Here in the East, we have already been deeply impacted by the mediocre light rail that has come at the expense of a historical and culturally significant site, not to mention the demolition of hundreds of trees and desecration of indigenous artefacts - all carried out under the cloak of darkness to dodge those pesky protesters.

It saddens me to see what Anzac Parade is fast becoming, especially given the history of the area. I can’t drive down the street without thinking about all the boys who kissed their mothers goodbye, marched to the Quay, and died senselessly at Gallipoli and in France. Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.

If you believe that the current plans for Moore Park are just for a harmless little sports field, you might be kidding yourself. Look at the light rail, the coming major WestConnex feeder road planned for the Alison Road/Anzac Parade intersection, and the preposterous Tibby Cotter Bridge - a bridge

to nowhere, at least until the full plans emerge.

Premier Gladys and Sports/ WestConnex Minister Ayres know full well about the massive development precinct set to consume all the remaining open space in Moore Park, eat into the golf course, and bring an eight-lane motorway right to our doorsteps.

It’s time the people of the East were let in on what this precious pair are cooking up for us, and all roads lead to Moore Park.

So what’s the big deal? What’s so bad about progress and the development of major new facilities? Absolutely nothing, if it’s done the right way, with urban amenity preserved, communities and history respected, and our cultural sites protected. And not at the obscene cost of $2.5 billion, which will come at the expense of badly needed hospital beds and public classrooms.

What’s wrong with what the State Government is doing now?

The proof is right there, staring us in the face. Anzac Parade and Alison Road were once beautiful roads flanked on either side by large, 100 year-old trees, bringing fresh air and pleasing aesthetics into the heart of our busy suburbs.

Now, both streets resemble something out of a sci-fi flick - a moonscape and steelscape of concrete blocks and hideous metal poles with a tangle of wires obstructing our view of the skies. Grey and silver replacing green and blue.

Moore Park and Centennial Park are, for most people in the East, our literal backyards. Our easy access to free, publicly owned green open space is what makes living in a 50 square foot apartment bearable. And you don’t have to be an unreconstructed hippie resurrected from the ‘70s to understand that the most densely populated part of Australia needs trees to produce oxygen and mitigate the impacts of climate change and heat. Enough is enough, Gladys.

Dr Marjorie O’Neill is a current Waverley Councillor. The views expressed here are her own.

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February 2018 MONDAY

TUESDAY

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SURF'S UP @ THE PAV Throughout February, Bondi Pavilion will host a series of colourful events, each celebrating what makes life in Bondi so wonderful.

There will be dancing, film screenings, music, art and talks. For more information and tickets, please visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au/theatre.

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EVERYONE CAN SING Connect to your natural voice and enjoy singing in a group in a fun and supportive atmosphere.

Classes kick off tonight at Erskineville and everyone is welcome.

For more information or to enrol, please visit www.cityeastcc.com.au or call 9387 7400.

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WEDNESDAY

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THURSDAY

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EMBRACE YOU PASSION Embrace your inner muso, embrace your creative spirit, and enrol in a short course today at City East College. We offer a diverse range of courses from Harmonica to Hula Hoop. Visit our website at www.cityeastcc.com.au or call 9387 7400 for more information.

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LEARN THE HARMONICA Follow in the footsteps of musical legends such as Bob Dylan and Peter Garrett and learn to play some sick blues riffs on the harmonica. Classes start tonight at Randwick. For more information and to enrol, please call 9387 7400 or visit www.cityeastcc.com.au.

RUNNING FOR PREMMIES Sophie Smith's Running for Premature Babies will be holding their 2018 launch party at The Cookhouse in Randwick this evening from 7pm. If you're keen to get a bit of exercise and raise muchneeded funds for a great cause, just come along and find out more.

AFFORDABLE YOGA Keen to try yoga but aren't really into ‘the scene’? Head to the Randwick Literary Institute every Tuesday and Thursday from 6.30-7.30am to take advantage of Randwick Community Yoga's weekly class for $10. For more information, call 0488 343 666.

COOGEE BE MY VALENTINE? Are you single and ready to mingle? Meet your match at Sydney's best singles party from 6pm until late on the Coogee Pavilion Rooftop. There is no better place to prowl this Valentine's Day. For more information, please visit merivale.com.au/coogeepavilion.

COMMUNITY ACUPUNCTURE The original pioneers of community acupuncture in Sydney have returned to Bondi Junction, led by Chinese Medicine Practitioner Ray Ford. Pop in and take advantage of their incredibly competitive rates.

For more information, please visit communityacupuncture.com.au.

FOOD ADDICTS MEETINGS Tonight, Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) is hosting one of its twice weekly meetings, which are held every Wednesday at 7pm and Friday at 10am at Salvation Army Hall, 100 Boyce Road, Maroubra. For more information, please visit www.foodaddicts.org.

JAMES ROBINSON EXHIBITION Check out Bondi artist James Robinson's entrancing, surf-inspired artworks in his free exhibition, Drift, held throughout February in the Bondi Pavilion Gallery. James will also be directing two pyrography workshops on February 24. Visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au/theatre.

JOIN WAVERLEY BUSHCARE Join like-minded locals and help make a difference to one of Waverley's special green spaces. You'll learn about native plants and wildlife, and enjoy the benefits of time spent in nature. No experience is necessary. For more information, visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.

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WOOLLAHRA POETS' PICNIC Grab a rug, pack a picnic and celebrate poetry under the stars.

Enjoy traditional and slam poets, live jazz, roving performers and a children’s chalk poetry workshop in Blackburn Gardens, Double Bay, from 5-8pm. Call 9391 7100 or visit woollahra.nsw.gov.au/poetspicnic.

Now you can upload all your local events for free

Removalist Zak Clark Clark Removals Ph: 0409 808 866 Builder/Electrician Matthew Olive Sydney Power House 8007 4229

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

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SYDNEY FC v WELLINGTON PHOENIX For the second time this season, Sydney FC will host Wellington Phoenix at Allianz Stadium from 7.50pm. Fans are encouraged to arrive early and allow plenty of time to enter the venue. You can get your hands on tickets by visiting www.sydneycricketground.com.au.

WALKER STALKERS Seize the opportunity to meet the stars from The Walking Dead TV show, with Q&A panels, immersive experiences and more, today and tomorrow at Sydney Showgrounds. For more information and to purchase tickets, visit www.walkerstalkercon.com/sydney.

LOVELY LA PEROUSE Rediscover Sydney's beautiful La Perouse with a day of free family entertainment, live music and cultural tours, and watch the Queen's Baton Relay arrive. Bring a picnic blanket and enjoy the festivities from 10am. For more information, visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

GORDONS AT NIGHT Ditch the cooking tonight and head down to Gordons Wine Bar on the corner of Clovelly Road and Beach Street, Clovelly, for a drink or two and great food. Gordons are now open every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night from 4pm.

Visit www.gordonscafe.com.au.

BELLAGIO’S SUMMER HARVEST Kicking off at 5.30pm on the second Saturday of every month, Bellagio's Summer Harvest BBQs will focus on seasonal summer produce with booze, smoke, and pickles. Reservations are a must, and can be made by emailing bbq@bellagiohospitality.com.au.

BONDI SUNDAY MARKETS Today, and every Sunday between 10am and 4pm, you’ll find clothing from up-and-coming designers, handmade jewellery, exotic imports, retro-chic furniture, vinyl records, homewares, art, one-off vintage pieces, and more. Please visit www.bondimarkets.com.au.

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EPICLY LATER'D @ THE PAV This doco looks back at filmmaker Spike Jonze’s career and shows how skateboarding influenced his work, from groundbreaking music videos to an Academy Award. It's on in the Bondi Pavilion Theatre this evening from 5pm. Please visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au/theatre.

BONDI SURF AND DANCE The Bondi Surf and Dance is on today at Bondi Pavilion. You'll be transported to a Bondi of the past with this revival of the iconic 1940s Surf and Dance at Bondi, the ‘Playground of the Pacific’. For more information and tickets, visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au/theatre.

ALEX THE ASTRONAUT Praised by Triple J and Elton John for her captivating lyrical and melodic combinations, Sydney songwriter Alex the Astronaut will be performing unplugged in the Bondi Pavilion Theatre this evening from 9pm. Please visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au/theatre.

SYDNEY CITY LIMITS If you do one thing this month, let it be this. Taking place in Centennial Park, Sydney City Limits have announced an insane line-up including Phoenix, Justice, Beck, Vance Joy and Tash Sultana, as well as a quality food and beverage offering.

Visit www.sydneycitylimits.com.

SYDNEY FC v WESTY WANDERERS A-League clubs Sydney FC and the Western Sydney Wanderers will do battle at Allianz Stadium this evening from 7.00pm. This is the local derby that everyone has been waiting for. You can get your mittens on some tickets by visiting www.sydneycricketground.com.au.

Drain Jet & CCTV Steve Kova metrojet.com.au Ph: 0414 885 675 Fencing Troy Salvatico Jim’s Fencing Ph: 0405 543 530 Carpenter Mark Potocki Against The Grain Ph: 0415 688 562 Rubbish Removal Dave Whiteley Dave's Rubbish Ph: 0401 296 069 Mechanic Jordan Hayman JH Automotive Ph: 0424 144 987 Painter Brett Dooley Nielson Dooley Ph: 0404 888 089 BBQ Caterer Wardy Wardy & Sons Ph: 0414 293 396 Concrete Head Jay Rodney Oceanside Ph: 0411 989 565 Plumber Luke Fletcher Pipe Up Plumbing Ph: 0431 638 558 Locksmith Bradley Rope SOS Locksmiths Ph: 0498 767 767 Electrician Adrian Langen Langen Electrical Ph: 0400 006 008

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Arborist Jeff Hunt Prompt Trees Ph: 0412 280 338

by visiting www.thebeast.com.au/events-guide

Life's a Beach

TRENT MAXWELL Interview James Hutton Picture Jeremy Greive

T

rent 'Maxi' Maxwell came to prominence as a knockabout lifeguard on Channel Ten's Logiewinning reality TV series Bondi Rescue. We caught up with him for a quick chat as 2017 came to a close...

I was down at the beach and met you on your very first day working at Bondi, I think you were only 16 years old? Yeah, I was 16, somewhere around that. That was ten years ago, I'm 26 now.

And how's it been, the last ten years? Yeah, it's been a bit of a roller coaster, it's been awesome.

I've basically been lifeguarding for the last eleven seasons. I started up as a trainee - a work experience trainee - and then as a seasonal, then as a full time lifeguard. The last two years I've been working for Fire and Rescue NSW. Where are you living these days?

I'm living in Bellevue Hill.

Where did you grow up? I grew up in Brighton-Le-Sands but mum and dad used to drive my sister and I to South Maroubra Surf Club pretty much every afternoon and every weekend to do surf lifesaving at South Maroubra. That's where I did my nippers and that's where my grassroots pretty much came from.

I spent a lot of time at Maroubra Beach when I was a kid and I went to school at Marcellin College, so my schooling and sport and hanging out has always been in the Eastern Suburbs, down towards Maroubra.

What did your parents do for work in Brighton? Mum was a hairdresser, then when she had me she brushed that. Dad's a bricklayer, I'm pretty sure bricky Bob's laying a thousand as we speak.

What do you love about the Eastern Suburbs? I love the diversity that you get around here. Everyone's got different backgrounds, different cultures, different everything. And when you're on the beach - working on the beach - you see everyone coming together as locals, it's just great to see. It's such a beautiful part of the world. I've been to Europe, I've been to America, but nothing beats Australia and the Eastern Suburbs.

Persistence is key, if anyone is listening!

If you really want something that bad you will study for it and work hard for it; I just wasn't taking no for an answer.

And what shits you about the Eastern Suburbs? Are there any little gripes you have? Working at Bondi over the years, I've been frustrated by some of the tourists and visitors to the area not respecting the beach with their rubbish and littering. That's a big thing for me, the amount of rubbish is out of control. Hats off to the parkies and the cleaners; they're there every afternoon after a hot summer's day and they make the beach look immaculate.

Do you have any favourite local haunts where you like to have a drink or a feed? I like to get down to Skinny Dip on Hall Street. Ruben down there always looks after me with his bacon and egg wraps and his piccolos. He's a legend, he's very accommodating and always up for a good laugh and a chat.

How did you wind up at Bondi wearing your lifeguard uniform when I first met you ten years ago? There are ambo's and police in my family and I always wanted to be a fireman.

When I was eight or nine years old, I had an interest in surf lifesaving from doing nippers. I used to compete in all the carnivals and I started to fall in love with it. I was in year 10 and I was either going to be a tradie or do work experience as a lifeguard. From memory, I hit Brad Rope from Maroubra up and asked if I could do work experience at Randwick lifeguards. He informed me that you needed to be 18 years old to be a lifeguard on the beach as a council worker and I was like, “Yeah, no worries.” So I did a bit of scouting around for the two weeks work experience at school and Hoppo (Bruce Hopkins) got back to me and said, “Yeah mate, you can come in for a week.” I did my work experience - cleaning windows and just doing all the tower duties and stuff like that - and then I asked Hoppo if I could do every Monday for the rest of the year while I was at school. I don't know how I was allowed to - I'd never really heard of it happening before - but the school said, “Yeah, every Monday for the rest of the year in Year 10 you can work down the beach.” I just wanted to make sure I did everything right, so I worked hard and trained hard, and then in November Hoppo offered me a traineeship starting the following February. I did that for three years until I was about 19, then I was offered a seasonal spot and did full time for the remainder of the years. Then, in 2016, I started as a firefighter at the college out at Alexandria.

How difficult was it to get into the fireys? I've always known it was going to be hard, even as a young

February 2018 | The Beast 45

kid talking to my uncle who was in the job. As soon as I turned 18 I applied. I tried every year from the age of 18 to 23, and I finally got accepted when I was 24, so I tried six times and I got in on my seventh go.

Persistence is key, if anyone is listening! If you really want something that bad you will study for it and work hard for it; I just wasn't taking no for an answer. It worked out well because, now that I look back on it, when I got in at 24 was a good age.

I had a bit of life experience behind me and it's a full-on job, a big community job, so everything has kind of aligned for me to get in. I kept trying and I finally got in and I am still pinching myself.

As I got to him he was full of water, foaming at the mouth, eyes open, no colour. You could just tell, and I knew I had to act quickly.

There must be a lot of skills that you can use across both jobs? There are definitely a lot of skills that I've taken from working on the beach for the last eleven years to the fireys, especially the medical stuff and dealing with the public - managing altercations and stuff like that. And also from the fireys to the beach, because I am still on the beaches as a casual. The community stuff that we do, the team work - lifeguarding is very big on team work and in the fireys we are spending 24 hours with a crew.

Have you had to pull a cat out of a tree yet? Mate, funnily enough, there's been no cat out of a tree yet. Working in Redfern, it's just far enough away from the Eastern Beaches that I don't see too many people I know either, but it's still pretty close. Redfern's quite busy, we've got a lot of housing commission and in the last two years being there I've noticed a little bit of a change in the area. Zetland is really starting to go up a lot more, there's a lot of Meriton Apartments, Green Square's half way through getting built, so even Redfern is changing.

46 The Beast | February 2018

They're eventually going to get rid of the Housing Commission towers that have been there since the ‘70s.

Bondi Rescue is about to air its 13th season, which is incredible; how has the show, and the fame that has come with it, changed you? I wouldn't say it has changed me, but it's definitely given me more of an open mind and an opportunity to help people - not just in the water, but chatting to people that are having a bad day and trying to do stuff for charity. There have been a lot of opportunities over the years to meet some great people - plenty of inspiration - and I just thrive on that to be honest. Like I said, I don't come from a luxury background - dad's still laying bricks - and I just try and keep a level head and treat everyone the same, whether you are a homeless person or the richest bloke I know, you just treat everyone equally and help whoever is in need.

There have been a lot of drownings in New South Wales this summer; do you think the show has gone a way to reducing these? Yeah, for sure. I think that over the years, for a little while there, we were pretty lucky, we didn't have too many resuscitations on the beaches. But in the last couple of years there's been a few creep through. We're lucky that we got most of them back, but we still get a lot of tourists that get into trouble. There's still work to be done in that respect, but there's definitely plenty of tourists that have watched the show overseas or around Australia that come to the beach and have more of an idea.

You do hear them say, “We've got to swim up between the flags.”

If you were the minister in charge of water safety, if there was such a position, what would you do to make things better? Basically, I would just get it out there and say that swimming is a skill, not a fear. A lot of people seem to think that swimming is something that you can just do without any experience, but it is actually an acquired skill and if you don't have that skill you could potentially drown. So you have to get it into their heads to learn how to swim. It doesn't matter if

you're from the bush or you're from a country where there's no water, we've got the Bondi Icebergs and down at Bronte we've got the Bogey Hole. We've got plenty of safe places where you can go and enjoy the water, so don't jump into the open ocean if you can't handle it.

Is there enough foreign language signage at the beaches? There's a bit here and there. I know the council hands out brochures in different languages to people visiting the beach, which is a smart initiative.

Maybe they could do some sort of announcement on the buses that come from the Bondi Junction interchange. You go to any other country and they make announcements on public transport, so it wouldn't hurt to say, “Guys, we're coming up to Bondi Beach (or any of the other local beaches) so if you are going to go swimming, swim between the red and yellow flags.”

Can you tell us about some of the more hectic rescues you've done, especially that one you did at Bondi the other week? Over the years I've been thrown in the deep end a few times. The other week I was working with Boo, who just started on the beach, and Jackson Doolan and Chappo. We were putting the jetski away at ten past six when we got a call to go down to the south end where someone was in trouble.

As we got there, I noticed half way down that someone was floating face down, half way out the back just off the Icebergs. I immediately started getting undressed, then I was straight out there without hesitation. One of the other local guys that ran down from the hill, Blake, helped me grab the guy and we got him on the board. We noticed that he was, you know, he wasn't good.

I started doing one hand compressions as I was dragging the board back in, then Boo come out and Blake helped me carry him out and resuscitated him for six minutes.

We got the pads on, then we did another two minutes of CPR and he started to come to. We had to roll him a few times, he was full of water, but we got him back and from what I've heard he was actually talking the next day.

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So this guy was actually dead? Yeah mate, yeah, he was.

No pulse, no breathing, no signs of life at all? As I got to him he was full of water, foaming at the mouth, eyes open, no colour. You could just tell, and I knew I had to act quickly. I had to get him in as quick as I could, and luckily everything kind of worked in my favour. The bank was pretty long, so I managed to drag him along the bank, get him up the beach, drain him, roll him, and once I was on that chest I wasn't getting off it until the defibrilator pads were on, hence why I did six minutes of straight CPR. I think that after the first minute he didn't have much of a chest left - I gave it a good pump - but it doesn't matter how hard you do them, he's living, he's breathing, hats off to everyone that helped out.

How does it feel to bring someone back from the dead? When you get home that night and you sit in your room or whatever, what goes through your head? You're always thinking about what things you could have done better, or if this went wrong or if this went right.

I suppose you just have a bit of reflection on yourself and it makes you feel a little bit weird. At the end of the day, it's our job. You don't want any accolades or any medals or anything for it, it's our job, and we put ourselves in these situations to help people. I'm very fortunate that I've learnt the skills and had these experiences over the last ten years to be able to do it, but you still think about things that could've gone better. You're constantly learning. It doesn't matter if it's saving someone's life or walking down the street, you're constantly learning new things in life and you've just got to take it all on board.

But you feel pretty bloody good, right? Yeah, you do, you feel pretty good.

When you save someone's life like that, do you generally meet them afterwards or do you never see them again? We have in the past.

About five years ago I resuscitated a guy and five days later he came

48 The Beast | February 2018

down and said thankyou. That was pretty amazing. But the word that I heard from this guy that I saved the other week was that he doesn't want to make contact, or to see any of the guys who helped him because, you know, he was dead and I think it scares a few people knowing that someone had his life in their hands.

If we didn't have the necessary skills, or if things didn't work in our favour to get him back to shore quickly enough, it could have been a very different outcome.

I'm not that passionate about politics, but if I was to get into it I'd definitely throw a bit more money towards mental health and suicide prevention.

Who's the biggest legend you've ever worked with? H-Man for sure, Harry Nightingale the legend.

There's still a shrine in Tamarama tower. Honestly, he's one of the nicest, best, humblest, crazy storied people I know. He's such a legend.

The new season of Bondi Rescue airs in March; can you give us a little sneak preview of what to expect in that series? They only started filming last week, around December 20, and a week prior to that we had two resuscitations, so it's been a busy start to the year, but all I've seen so far is Harries in a Santa suit. I've been away the last couple of days, but I'm sure it's going to be an action-packed series, it always is. There are only ten episodes this season, so it will be even more action-packed than usual, and we'll continue to push the water safety awareness message out to people around the world.

Are you interested in politics? Are you passionate about any particular issues? I'm not that passionate about politics, but if I was to get into it I'd definitely throw a bit more money towards mental health and suicide prevention. That's still a massive issue in society and, as a

lifeguard, over the years I've dealt with tragic incidents with people going off the cliffs. And being a fireman, you hear the odd story about unfortunate events happening around the city and out west. It's still an ongoing issue, so I'd try and raise a bit more money for mental health and suicide prevention.

Are suicide rates in Australia worse than other Western countries? Yeah, they actually are.

Why do you think that is? Why in Australia, where life is so good for the vast majority, are people feeling like that? You can have a great childhood, or have great things happen to you throughout your life, and then when those things die off, you've got nowhere to go. You feel like, you know, it's a dead end street and you can't go anywhere.

I think drug use is a big thing as well. Too much drug use, especially around Australia, you hear about a lot of people getting involved in that. Alcohol and gambling too.

People can just feel like they are in a dead end street, but they've got to realise that the road's a road - it might be a dead end road but you've got footpaths that can still lead you back out, back onto the main road and on to something better.

Do you work with any specific charities? I just did Movember.

Myself and the guys at Redfern Fire Station raised over $1,000, which goes towards mental health and men's health, so it's good to be a part of that. Every couple of years I do something different, and now that I'm a fireman I'm trying to raise some funds for the Children's Burns Unit out at Westmead as well. I like to throw a bit of passion into different areas and do what I can. The next big thing for me is a charity fireys bike ride from Wagga Wagga to Westmead Children's Hospital on March 19. I think it is 450 kilometres in total. Basically, when we get to Westmead we hand the Children's Burns Unit a big fat cheque of all the money we've raised over the last couple of months.

We'll visit schools along the way to teach fire safety to the kids. Check out www.400in4.org if you get a

MAYOR‘S MESSAGE I hope you enjoyed Christmas and New Year.

Youth photo competition If you’re a budding photographer aged between 12 and 18, a few clicks could win you a prize in the Waverley Council Youth Photo Competition.

Just take a photo of what you love about your local area. Your photos should communicate your vision for the Waverley area. This will help us with the new Waverley Community Strategic Plan which maps out our vision for Waverley for the next 10 years.

The photo competition closes at 5pm, Wednesday 21 February 2018, so get your camera out. For details visit haveyoursaywaverley.com.au/wcsp.

Bin it. Don’t swim in it!

Over 80,000 visitors come to Waverley’s beautiful beaches each day over the summer period. This can lead to a lot of waste and that’s why Council is working with residents, local backpackers and tourists to highlight the need to dispose of litter responsibly.

Council has dedicated staff who work hard to keep our beaches and public places clean and to educate the community about litter prevention but we can’t do it without your support. We ask you to help us on our mission to keep Waverley beautiful.

Bondi Pavilion Stakeholders I chaired two meetings of the Pavilion stakeholder committee prior to Christmas and another two will be held in the next few weeks. We are coming to grips with the potential of this important public building and recommendations from the community stakeholders should be finalised by February.

John Wakefield, Mayor of Waverley CUSTOMER SERVICE CENTRE 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction NSW 2022 PO Box 9, Bondi Junction NSW 1355 PHONE 9083 8000 WEB waverley.nsw.gov.au

Events Surf’s Up @ The Pav 4–24 February 2018 Surf’s Up @ The Pav, is a series of one-off events at the Bondi Pavilion this February including dance, music, film, art and talks to celebrate all that we love about surf culture and summer down at the Pav! For more information and to book, visit eventbrite.com.au.

Waverley Bushcare Various dates, times and locations Join like-minded locals and help make a positive difference to one of Waverley’s special green spaces. You’ll learn about native plants and wildlife, and enjoy the well-being benefits from time spent in nature.

Come regularly or whenever it suits. No experience necessary and supervised children are welcome. Tools, gloves and morning tea will be provided.

For more information visit waverley.nsw.gov.au.

For more event info visit our website waverley.nsw.gov.au.

Connect with us:

minute. I’m also an ambassador for Royal Life Saving UK, where I help spread awareness for their kids Rookie Lifeguard program. I just did an amazing trip to the UK and hope to get back there soon. Back in 2013, Jessie Pollock and I rode jetskis from Sydney to Cairns for Headspace - The Ride East Coast.

We raised awareness for mental health and suicide prevention by speaking to people about suicide and mental health along the way.

Day in, day out, if I'm not working on the beach I'm at the fire station, and if I'm not at the fire station I'm doing something for charity. So, you know, it's what's on the inside that counts.

What advice would you give to aspiring kids who want to get a start on the beach or with the fireys? A few people have hit me up about this over the years - how to become a lifeguard and, even more recently, how to become a fireman. Basically, it comes down to persistence. If there's 100 applicants getting accepted out of 8,000 for the fireys, you need to make sure you're in that 100 by living and breathing it - studying hard, going to fire stations, talking to people, gaining as much knowledge as you possibly can. For the lifeguards, spend time down at the beach. Come down and introduce yourself and show that you're keen. A ‘no’ doesn't hurt. If you get a ‘no’, then it's just a ‘no’ - at least you won't die wondering.

Every step you take leads you down a path to somewhere, the decisions we make regarding which path to take make us who we are today.

Just make it happy and positive and just go for it, because anything is possible and life's too short to worry about failure.

Are there any new projects that you're working on at the moment?

Yes, there are a couple. I'm just about to launch my own business

50 The Beast | February 2018

called Live, Learn, Survive. Basically, it's an interactive workshop to teach kids and young adults about fire safety and water safety. We try and make it a two-hour fun, interactive experience. We're approaching schools - we've got a few schools locked in for early next year - but schools, universities, backpackers, and anywhere where we can spread a bit of water and fire safety are the target market. I'm bringing out three kids' fictional water safety books - two later this year and one early next year. There will be a series of Lifeguard Maxi children's books, with a lot of life experiences that I've had and references to how I was brought up and how I perceive things.

You've got some interesting tattoos, including 'Life's a beach' on your back, and a Southern Cross on your chest; what does that tattoo mean to you? Does it upset you that this great Aussie symbol has been hijacked by dickheads? I just take it in my stride to be honest. I know I'm a good person, and I know that I do a lot of good, so I'm proud of it. I got it done in Bali when I was 15 and I don't regret it. I'm proud to be Australian, I know that over the years unfortunate things have happened, but I just block out all the negativity because I'm proud to be Australian and I'm proud to help other Australians too. Day in, day out, if I'm not working on the beach I'm at the fire station, and if I'm not at the fire station I'm doing something for charity. So, you know, it's what's on the inside that counts.

Who would you say are your role models? Role models? I look up to a lot people. I've met a lot of cool people over the years and I've looked up to a lot of them. I suppose I try and take a little bit of the good qualities out of everyone that I meet. That could be something very small, or it could be something much bigger. Everyone's got their faults, and if you aspire to be just like one person, or a few people, you might pick up their faults as well, so I like to adopt the good qualities of the different people that I meet, to mould myself into a bigger and better person.

I've heard that you're in love; who is this lucky girl and can you tell us a little bit about her please? I've been with Tahlia for five and a bit years now. She's a country Victorian girl, moved to Sydney five years ago and we met a couple of months after that.

Where did you meet? We met at the Sheaf Hotel, down at Double Bay, and now we live together, we travel together, and we're looking forward to making many more memories together in the future.

So can we expect wedding bells and some mini Maxis soon? 2020, a 2020 wedding. 2020... it just rolls off the tongue! I think I'm in the end zone, I'm getting close. There's been a bit of pressure lately; her sister got married a couple months ago and a few people are going, “You guys are next,” so we'll see how we go, but like I said, everything's fantastic.

Do you plan on taking the leap and leaving Australia to work overseas?

Or are you happy here? I'm happy to live and work in Australia. It took me six years to get into the Fire Brigade, so I won't be giving that up any time soon. I love being a fireman, I love being a lifeguard, and I love living in Sydney. Honestly, I've been to Europe, I've been to America, I've been to Asia - nothing beats Australia. I know that's a bit biased, but it's just such a great country. Hopefully I get to do more travelling around Australia soon.

In an ideal world, what does the future hold for Trent ‘Maxi’ Maxwell?

I'd like to stay on the beach for a couple more years as a casual. It's good that the fireys is rank-based, so hopefully I can work my way through the ranks as a fireman. I want to have a healthy, happy family, and just stay inspired and keep on doing good in the world. I hope that the water safety books and these Live, Learn, Survive fire and water safety workshops really take off, so I can keep teaching all of the experiences I've had and all the cool things I've been taught over the years.

Life's a beach? Life's a beach... yeah, life's a beach.

TRENT THE CELEBRANT MARRIAGE CELEBRANT “ B or n an d br e d in Bo nd i t ra ve ling far and w i de to make yo u r s p e cia l d a y eve n m o re memor abl e”

04 04 007 184 @trent_the_c el ebr ant w w w.trentthec el ebr ant .c o m

February 2018 | The Beast 51

It's only a matter of time.

EXCLUSIVE: SECRET PLANS FOR WAVERLEY CEMETERY DEVELOPMENT REVEALED Satire Kieran Blake Picture Joe King

T

he Beast has achieved yet another exclusive with the acquisition of highly classified documents outlining details of the enormous new high-rise complex to be constructed on the site of Waverley Cemetery.

This publication exposed the shocking truth behind plans to forcibly remove residents from their grave sites in a previous issue and the fact that the developers communicated with cemetery residents through an intermediary, by the name of Lou Seefer.

The Beast can now reveal that the commercial and residential development will be the largest single complex in the Eastern Beaches and will dwarf Westfield Bondi Junction. Names being considered include Nirvana, El Paraiso, Valhalla, Beulah, and Elysium.

Grave sites will be converted into a huge underground carpark, loading dock, and waste processing area, with homes and shops to be built on top.

Bodies of residents, as well as building debris and shredded environmental impact statements, will

52 The Beast | February 2018

be dumped in the ocean to provide the foundation for a huge sea wall which will allow residents to safely moor their pleasure craft.

Mr Seefer brushed aside concerns that the sea wall will permanently destroy surf conditions from Bondi to Maroubra.

“Surfers can just fly to Bali for the day, from our on-site landing strip,” he quipped.

The marina and aquatic recreational facility will rival The World in Dubai and will be constructed by a Chinese company with expertise in land reclamation, “except that this one will be called UnderWorld, in keeping with its location,” boasted Mr Seefer.

Tomb stones, with inscriptions, will be imbedded into the entrance of many properties, providing a link between the tenant and the person upon whose grave they are dancing when they utilise the extensive outdoor entertaining areas.

Designers will re-fashion the granite crucifixes into ornaments and towel racks inside the properties, promising an exciting new aesthetic of cold, hard granite jux-

taposed with flamboyant, bright, new-season colours.

Outraged locals have inundated Waverley Council with letters and petitions since learning of the proposal and are determined to put an end to the project.

“Opposition to projects of this nature is normal, but so is the trend of opponents purchasing residential properties and nominating to open businesses in the commercial spaces once the project is inevitably approved,” claimed Mr Seefer.

“We’re excited by the prospect of hosting a signature store of Dead Studios fashion and serving Death

by Chocolate in all of our cafes.”

Documents also reveal that the NSW government, with backing from NAB, will construct a fourlane expressway from the complex direct to the Sydney CBD for the exclusive use of residents. The plans are detailed under the heading ‘DeathConnex’.

Before calling Waverley Council to complain, please note that this article is in fact satire (a joke).

It's been a tough few weeks.

THE UNRELIABLE GUIDE TO... DETOXING Words Nat Shepherd Picture Peter File

T

his is a dangerous time of year.

You’ve had a fabulous Christmas party season, followed by an even better January holiday/festival season. Your head aches, your chin is spotty, your liver is thinking about booking you into a clinic.

You are prone, in other words, to falling for the idea of a ‘detox’.

Someone, probably an aficionado of Yoga or one of those other weird cults, will suggest that you should clean up your act.

This may result in you signing up for something very dangerous like Dry July, Sober October or Colonic Irrigation Wednesdays.

My advice is to run to the nearest pub, but if you are determined to be cleaner, leaner and meaner, the Unreliable Guide has some tips and tricks to make sure you survive the detoxification process: YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT What they say is good for you is constantly changing. One minute potatoes are great a source of fibre, the next they’re a high GI nightmare. In the eighties it was all carbs and no fat, now it’s all fat and no carbs. Ice-cold water burns

54 The Beast | February 2018

calories, but fizzy water with lemon will rot your teeth. Blueberries cure cancer, but if you eat fruit it’s full of sugar, which causes cancer. What the actual f*ck? Basically, fads come and go and yesterday’s ‘superfood’ is tomorrow’s toxic waste. The Unreliable Guide advises that you have a small amount of everything, unless it’s meth, obviously, because if you develop a taste for that you’ll need a truck load. Which leads us to...

REALITY USED TO BE A FRIEND OF MINE The thing I find most disturbing is that detoxes always require you to give up all drugs and alcohol.

Being totally drug and alcohol free can be surprisingly entertaining for a few days. Then you’ll realize that almost everyone you know is dull beyond measure, at which point you’ll probably seek a new drug, the drug that almost all detox regimes allow: the serotonin high gained from excessive exercise...

KEEPING FIT I love an ocean swim. A good walk along the coastal path is a joy.

There are many great, cost-free

ways to keep fit in the Eastern Suburbs, but many of you seem to ignore these free options and opt for the masochism of boot camps. The popularity of these is a mystery to me but come 6am our beaches are covered with a multitude submitting to this ritual humiliation. The more private among you might visit sweatybum-crack gyms and risk hurting yourself on expensive machinery that wouldn’t look out of place in a medieval torture museum, or you’ll attend yoga classes and blithely follow the instructions of some leotarded twat in the pay of the local chiropractor. Remember, all these practices are very dangerous for your health. Avoid them.

COLONIC IRRIGATION Poo is one-way traffic. Do not mess with your bum.

Finally, the Unreliable Guide would give you a very sound piece of advice: a little of what you fancy does you good, but a truck load of booze or drugs will make you see the devil and she will be wearing a leotard. Moderation is all.

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The best kingy on the whole internet.

TIGHT LINES AND SUNSHINY GRINS Words Dan Trotter Picture Eddy Jones

W

hat a cracking start to the year - a solid month of proper Sydney summer, plenty of hard work to get the year off to a successful start and a few fishy days to keep the dreams alive.

How’s your start to 2018 been?

Fishy and full of friends, I hope.

With the second month of a shiny new year underway, it’s time to re-establish your resolutions, drink less, exercise and meditate more, work smarter (not harder) and focus on the goals you’re going to achieve in 2018.

Now let’s get down to fishy business and look at what the month ahead has to offer. With the full moon on the first day of February, hopefully you’re reading this in late January and have managed to sneak out for a few days of kingy fishing in the lead-up. If not, you should focus in on the last few days of February and the first few days of March and get properly set up for some arm-stretching on some solid Seriola lalandi (yellowtail kingfish).

February is also a cracking month to chance all manner of 56 The Beast | February 2018

pelagics off the coast of Sydney.

If late December and January are anything to go by, there should be some magic days out on the wide blue yonder. Also worth chasing are the majestic mahi mahi, using similar tactics as you'd use with kingies - look for current lines, temperature breaks and baitfish marking up on the sounder.

Closer to shore, there’s always a good possibility of snapper and some late summer jewfish. Anchor up and fish floaters down currents for snapper, while pinning a butterflied or live slimy mackerel or whole yellowtail just off the bottom to put yourself in good stead for a silver-flanked, opal-spotted mulloway.

In Sydney Harbour, February is a month that really shines, with warm water, plenty of baitfish and a stable offering of northern pelagic visitors, along with the local bread and butter residents like bream, flathead, whiting, yellowtail kingfish and mulloway.

If crustaceans are something that make you drool, get your witches hats and crab pots sorted,

make sure you name and licence number your floats, and get them out on the sandy straits through the harbour to catch a world class feed of blue swimmers - possibly the tastiest meal the sea has to offer.

An obscure and often overlooked species is the leatherjacket.

These tasty fish are great on the plate and the harbor has an abundance of them, if you know where to look. Fish with small long shank hooks, peeled prawns and 10-14lb leader suspended under an almost neutrally buoyant float around kelp beds and rocky headlands.

The bite is very subtle and the fight less than exhilarating, but they are fun to catch with the kids and easy to prepare for cooking.

Once skinned and cleaned, simply pan fry them whole in a pan with butter, check that they are cooked all the way through and serve with white rice, fresh salad and a crisp glass of Riesling, if that’s your type of tipple.

That should be plenty to keep you busy, fishy and smiling for now. Tight lines and sunshiny grins to you all.

FEBRUARY 2018 TIDE CHART Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Picture Colin DeCosta Instagram @colindecosta MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

1 0315 0943 1618 2220

0.30 2.04 0.11 1.54

•

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

2 0407 1032 1705 2310

0.30 2.00 0.14 1.55

3 0459 1120 1750 2358

0.33 1.91 0.21 1.54

10 0519 1205 1752 2334

1.46 0.65 1.17 0.66

•

17 0348 1012 1638 2239

0.44 1.75 0.33 1.47

18 0427 1047 1712 2316

0.44 1.72 0.34 1.50

•

24 0327 1002 1602 2200

1.55 0.57 1.26 0.58

25 0437 1122 1724 2312

1.61 0.51 1.28 0.56

5 0045 0643 1254 1916

1.51 0.48 1.61 0.41

6 0134 0738 1341 1959

1.48 0.57 1.45 0.50

7 0226 0838 1431 2045

1.45 0.64 1.31 0.58

8 0320 0945 1531 2136

1.43 0.69 1.21 0.64

9 0419 1057 1643 2235

1.44 0.69 1.16 0.67

12 0028 0702 1346 1938

0.63 1.57 0.52 1.26

13 0114 0745 1425 2018

0.59 1.63 0.45 1.32

14 0155 0824 1500 2054

0.54 1.68 0.40 1.36

15 0233 0900 1533 2129

0.50 1.72 0.36 1.40

16 0311 0936 1605 2203

0.46 1.75 0.34 1.44

19 0508 1126 1746 2357

0.45 1.67 0.36 1.51

20 0553 0.48 1206 1.60 1824 0.40

21 0040 0642 1250 1905

1.52 0.51 1.51 0.45

22 0128 0738 1342 1952

1.53 0.55 1.41 0.51

23 0223 0845 1445 2050

1.53 0.58 1.32 0.56

27 0018 0648 1331 1933

28 0118 0745 1424 2026

0.42 1.89 0.22 1.51

26 0546 1.70 1232 0.41 1835 1.34

0.49 1.80 0.30 1.43

Uncrowded east swell at Maroubra.

SUNDAY

• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter

4 0550 0.39 1207 1.77 1833 0.30 11 0615 1.51 1300 0.59 1851 1.21

Possibly the greatest sporting moment of all time.

WINTER IS COMING Words Alasdair McClintock Picture Jayne Torvill

N

othing brings the world together like a big sporting event, and the 2018 Winter Olympics, being held in Pyeongchang, South Korea, from February 9-25 may just be the solvent the world needs right now. In fact, it may be the only thing that saves us all from nuclear annihilation.

With Supreme Commander Kim Jong-Un, otherwise known as That Evil Idiot, intimating North Korea might send a team over (at the time of writing), there could be hope that those big red buttons don’t get pushed just yet.

The cynics among us will assume these ‘athletes’ are all spies – operatives trained to slip away mid-contest and sabotage South Korea’s power grid, military defence systems or, worst case scenario, kidnap PSY – but I’m choosing to remain positive. If only because, with That Other Evil Idiot also in charge, positivity on a global scale is something we all desperately need right now. Accuse

58 The Beast | February 2018

me of sticking my head in the snow, if you must, but if my life is going to end painfully tomorrow, I choose to spend today as giddy and carefree as a puppy in a park.

But then, of course, there are the Russians. Banned from the games following a systematic, state-supported doping scheme, Russia really isn’t doing much to dispel the stereotypes perpetuated by ‘80s Hollywood action movies, now are they? Some of the athletes can still compete if they can prove themselves to be clean, but it’s a bit like asking me to prove I didn’t just pass wind; if the air still stinks, who’s going to believe me?

The Russians came out on top in the last Winter Olympics with 33 medals (because they were full of drugs, obviously), so smaller countries like Australia now have a chance to steal the spotlight. Are we ready for a new winter sporting hero? I certainly think so.

Like most Australians, I can only name two Aussie winter ath-

letes. I bet nearly 75% of Aussies reading this would name the same two. Go on, test yourself... Steven Bradbury and Torah Bright. Told you!

I daresay, come February 25, we will all know a few more of our winter athletes though. The wonderful thing about these Winter Olympics is the time difference. Pyeongchang is only two hours behind Sydney so, for us in the eastern states, they’re basically holding them in Perth. It’ll be like a WACA test match; we’ll come home from work and be able to switch on the TV, switch ourselves off, and watch people far fitter than us live out their dreams.

Sadly, however, we won’t learn the names of our national curling team, because they didn’t qualify.

That news hit me like a cold fish to the face when I read it. The idea that a glorified janitor on ice won’t become a national hero is seriously challenging my determination to be positive.

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Adam containing his laughter as Eve cops a bluebottle sting on the sniz.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS Words Jeremy Ireland, Psychotherapist Picture Masaccio Tan

A

dam lay in the Garden of Eden with Eve by his side, enjoying paradise with barely a thought of serpents, apples, fig leaves or the like. Sadly, as we all know, Adam’s moment of bliss didn’t last and the two were given their marching orders. Masaccio’s 15th century painting of Adam and Eve being expelled from the heavenly garden provides a golden opportunity to look at mankind’s most basic form of communication: body language.

Upon closer inspection, what does the portrait really show us?

Some might see distress, embarrassment, shame, anguish, guilt, or maybe all of the above. In actual fact, it’s hard to tell exactly how Adam or Eve felt, for reasons I’ll get to later. For now, let’s imagine our condemned counterparts were teleported to what some consider another paradise: Bondi Beach.

It’s quite a segue from Eden to Bondi, but what better place to look at body language then on that famous stretch of sand and its surrounds. It’s a fact that people watch people all the time - people watch you, you watch people - and Bondi certainly offers a plethora of opportunities to look at non-verbal communication in all its glory.

Non-verbal communication is

60 The Beast | February 2018

an ever-present form of expression. People make inferences about you all the time, and vice versa, based on non-verbal behaviour. It is commonly believed that nonverbal messages are the primary way we communicate our feelings and attitudes to others, and they are usually considered more believable. The old saying, “Actions speak louder than words,” springs to mind, and with good reason.

Now let’s get into some body language basics. Perhaps the best place to start is physical appearance. Bondi Beach in summer is a smorgasbord of people wanting to see and be seen. Indeed, what better place to show off your rig?

It’s all on display in many different forms, and one’s appearance sends a powerful message to the observer.

In general, there is ample evidence that attractive people have an easier time persuading others. They are perceived as more credible, happier, popular, social and prosperous. Your shape and size affects how others see you. The more muscular and more athletic you are, the more you are perceived to be good-looking and adventurous. Body movement, posture, eye contact and facial expression are all ways of expressing interest in the opposite sex.

Personal space is a big one when claiming your spot on the sand.

Four metres is generally the minimum distance unless you know the person. Clothing, or lack thereof, can also affect how others perceive you. How one dresses sends a clear message. A suit for work or a bikini on the beach; it’s all a form of communication.

But let’s go back to our biblical couple, who have recently arrived at Bondi. For starters, their appearance for the modern beachgoer may not seem too far from the ordinary, but how would this beachgoer interpret the expressions and gestures of our evictees? One theory that helps explain how and why we interpret body language the way we do is known as the ‘Expectancy Violations Theory’, which suggests that we interact with others with a preconceived expectation about their behaviour. In other words, we often interpret body language based on how we expect others to behave.

With the above theory in mind, there is a trap when reading body language. The reality is that reading body language tells you little, if anything, about a person. It is not a precise science by any means.

In fact, there is no research-based evidence that proves one can read non-verbal expression or feelings based on body language.

The truth is, the more you know someone, the better your chances of interpreting their non-verbal signals. This is not because you’re reading them, but because you know them. Familiarity is the key to interpretation.

So, back to our banished couple at Bondi. Adam, with his face in his hands, may simply be shielding his eyes from the glare. Eve’s perceived cry of despair might just be the result of a bluebottle sting. The truth is, we really don’t know what they are thinking or feeling.

We should interpret body language at our own peril. There are dictionaries to interpret words but nothing of the sort to help decode non-verbal messages, including body language. If you really want to know what someone is thinking or feeling, just ask them.

JEREMY IRELAND

Bondi Counselling Services

Grad. Dip. Psychology Dip. Counselling B.A. Comm.

SUITE 501, 35 SPRING STREET BONDI JUNCTION, NSW 2022

Help and support with: • STRESS AND BURNOUT • RELATIONSHIPS • DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY AWARENESS • LOSS AND GRIEF • ADDICTIONS

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Poets’ Picnic 27 February, 5pm–8pm Blackburn Gardens 536 New South Head Road, Double Bay FREE ENTRY Grab a rug, pack a picnic and celebrate poetry under the stars by Sydney Harbour!

Including traditional and slam poets, live jazz, roving performers and a children’s chalk poetry workshop.

More info: 9391 7100 or woollahra.nsw.gov.au/poetspicnic Supported by:

February 2018 | The Beast 61

Tim Silverwood with his sustainable Softlite.

INTO THE BLUE, WITH OCEAN GUARDIAN TIM SILVERWOOD Words Leslie Mallinson, Waverley Sustainable Communities Picture Chris Prestidge Instagram @atdusk

W

hether you’ve been enjoying gentle waves this summer, or getting royally barrelled, it’s safe to say that the surf at our local beaches can really turn it on from time to time. Whether you've been out in the big blue or spectating from the safety of the sand, you may have crossed paths with Bondi local Tim Silverwood.

A keen surfer and co-founder of not-for-profit organisation Take 3, Silverwood is a passionate advocate for protecting our oceans and the environment from human impacts such as plastic pollution. His tireless efforts as an ‘ocean guardian’ have recently been recognised in Blue, an acclaimed documentary about the plight of our marine environment.

We caught up with Tim in the lead-up to the free February screening at Surf ’s Up in Bondi...

What was your first ever surfing experience like? I grew up on the Central Coast of NSW and rode a bodyboard for my first 10 years of ‘ocean play’. Now I ride all manner of craft including short boards, long boards, finless and bodysurfing - I love it. At times it can be terrifying but most of the time I'm out there seeking the simple pleasures that 62 The Beast | February 2018

come from riding moving pulses of aquatic energy. It's the best!

Where is your favourite surf spot of all time? I love the point breaks of Northern NSW. Once you get past Port Macquarie, the iconic southern headlands start to emerge and they continue all the way to the Queensland border and beyond.

I'm a natural footer so I love sliding along right handers.

At what point in your life did you start to notice plastic pollution as an issue? Traveling to Indonesia in my twenties was when I first witnessed massive levels of plastic pollution firsthand. I've seen plastic pollution from the Himalayas to the depths of the sea - it's everywhere.

Without a healthy ocean there is no healthy ‘us’, so we all have a vested interest in keeping our planet free from plastic pollution.

You were recently featured in an ocean documentary film called Blue; what was your favourite part about filming? My favourite part of the film was meeting the other ocean guardians. The film circles around a range of individuals who are passionately working to protect our oceans, including Shark Girl

Maddison Stewart, freediver Lucas Handley, researcher Dr Jennifer Lavers, iconic conservationist Valerie Taylor and others. They are all so inspiring in their own way.

It was a pleasure to work with the team too, Director Karina Holden and Impact Producer Sarah Beard are both amazing human beings.

When people see this film, what do you want them to take away from it?

That despite the incredible damage we have already caused our oceans, it's still not too late. There has never been a more important time to change the way we treat our oceans and environment. Don't sit around waiting for someone else to fix these problems, it's up to each of us to be the change. We are the people we've been waiting for.

Take 3 and other local community organisations work in collaboration with Waverley Council to help make litter prevention and plastic-free living second nature.

Free movie screening Register to see Blue from 4-7pm on February 4 at Bondi Pavilion as part of Surf ’s Up @ The Pav. Please visit eventbrite.com.au.

The original pioneers of community acupuncture in Sydney, have returned to Bondi Junction.

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February 2018 | The Beast 63

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS? Words Matty Silver, Sex Therapist Picture Jenna Taylia

E

xperiencing infidelity in a relationship can be hurtful and damaging and the immediate response after discovering a partner's affair is usually a combination of disbelief, anger, sadness and grief.

One client of mine, a woman in her 30s, discovered that her husband had an affair with a colleague when he was overseas attending a conference. She only found out when she went through his phone messages after he came back. He didn't deny it, explaining it was “only a fling” that “just happened”.

This was the first time he had cheated on his wife and he believed telling her would only upset her.

Another client, a man who had been with his wife for over 22 years and had two teenagers, hated his job, had to work long hours, his sex life with his wife was almost non-existent and he had been feeling depressed for quite a while.

He had just turned 50 and started asking himself, “Is this all there is?” For quite a while he had been friendly with a woman at work.

64 The Beast | February 2018

They sometimes went out for lunch and he felt that he could talk about anything with her; he felt understood.

He came to see me because he realised he was close to falling in love with her and didn't know what to do. He felt very guilty even thinking about having an affair.

His wife would probably divorce him if she found out and the children would be devastated.

People usually don't have affairs with the intention of hurting their partner, but the result is mostly extremely painful. The reality is that staying faithful to one person in a relationship can be difficult and challenging. However, a large percentage of affairs are not just about sex. Both men and women often start affairs because they don't feel appreciated by their partners; they feel neglected or ignored and may crave intimacy. They enjoy the feeling of being wanted, needed and desired, and often are looking more for an emotional connection rather than just a sexual one.

So why do people have affairs?

When people feel trapped in a routine, when there isn't much joy and fun anymore in a relationship, an affair can be an escape.

Romance in the relationship may be missing. Many believe that women often complain about lack of romance, but men feel it too.

Men don't like their once sexy lover turning into a nagging wife.

Women often feel criticised, undervalued or just lonely or bored.

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February 2018 | The Beast 65

CYCLING THE TOUR DE CALIFORNIA Words and Pictures The Bondi Travel Bug

S

anta Monica and the area around Venice Beach has always been my favourite part of California, perhaps because it has a similar feel to where I live in Bondi. There is one big difference though: the Venice Beach Boardwalk. There is simply nothing like it anywhere else in the world, a veritable human zoo featuring some of the weirdest and most wonderful characters that ever walked the earth. A stroll along the boardwalk will ensure your visit here will never be forgotten.

We’re staying at the perfectly positioned Shore Hotel, a boutique-style 164-room hotel that offers unique eco-conscious accommodation, with sustainably obtained décor and state-of-theart amenities. All of the rooms have private patios or balconies which offer either beach or city views. Our room is looking straight out onto the Pacific Ocean, just across the road from the famous Santa Monica Pier.

The Santa Monica Pier was opened in 1909 and exudes history.

An additional pier was added in 1916, which now houses all the rides including the big dipper and the colourful ferris wheel, along with all the other fairground attractions like the pier’s legendary carousel that was built in 1922 and features 44 hand-carved horses.

While walking around here, you'll enjoy the entertainment on offer from quite a number of talented buskers plying their trade along the way. The talent seems to be getting better and better with each visit.

After some quick pier perusal, we’re soon aboard a couple of complimentary Shore Hotel pushbikes for our compulsory pilgrimage along the Santa Monica to Venice Beach Boardwalk bike ride. The ride gives you the opportunity to check out the various celebrity oddballs that call the boardwalk home, and this year's cycle certainly doesn't disappoint.

66 The Beast | February 2018

It doesn't take too long before we’re passing the first of the legendary regulars, starting with the snake man, who has added a thick, creamy coloured python to his menagerie. Business, just like his voice, is booming.

Not long after we see the snake man, the bearded guitar playing, turban wearing roller skater appears and begins to circle us like a great white shark. He offers up for sale just about everything that can be either worn, smoked or consumed. Next up we pass the pot shop guys, dressed in their Sunday best leafy green-coloured suits, who are trying to flog their ‘medicinal’ marijuana to passers by.

After passing an array of shops selling just about everything imaginable, we arrive at the greatest freak show attraction of them all, the Venice Beach outdoor gym, aptly named Muscle Beach. This gym has been a highlight since 1934 and some of the biggest and most famous body builders have strutted their stuff here, including Arnold Schwarzenegger and the biggest green man on the planet, Lou ‘The Hulk’ Ferrigno.

There’s no one famous working out today, but the main guy hovering about is a formidable giant and this behemoth doesn’t disappoint. He also doesn’t mind having a chat... to himself. Perhaps he’s off his meds for the day? After gawking and listening to him for a while and watching him perform some extraordinary superhuman, steroid induced chin-ups and other acrobatic maneuvers, we are distracted by a basketball game being played on a court next door.

Some of these guys might just be undercover NBL stars, such is the quality of the basketball being played.

There’s also a racquetball court nearby and the grunts and moans emanating from these ultra competitive players makes me feel like I’m witnessing a final in the Olympic Games.

The collection of eclectic characters, as well as the plethora of fruity activities occurring along the boardwalk, are quite astonishing, and I haven’t even mentioned the daring young dudes going vertical and getting massive air at the skate park.

Before our boardwalk adventure finishes up, we sit around for a while to watch a troupe of dancers performing breakdancing moves that wouldn’t have been out of place in a Cirque du Soleil performance. After commanding our attention and a huge crowd for about 20 minutes we continue cycling up to Marina del Ray, where the cycle and walkway path abruptly ends.

From there we make our way inland, a few blocks back from the beach, to the exclusive enclave of Venice, which is where the renowned Venice Beach Canals are located.

The Venice Canal Historic District is a neighbourhood in the Venice section of Los Angeles, California. The area is renowned for its man-made canals, which were built in 1905 by developer Abbot Kinney as part of his Venice of America plan. Kinney sought to recreate the appearance and feel of Venice, Italy, in Southern California.

The area is so surreal and picturesque, it actually feels like an adult real estate version of Charlie and the Chocolate factory, but without all the Oompa Loompas.

I love Los Angeles and Santa Monica, but nothing surpasses Venice Beach and the boardwalk with its colourful array of weird and whacky characters who continue to call it home.

How to get there Vicky Gilden at Rose Bay Travel (02) 9371 8166 Where to stay www.shorehotelsantamonica.com

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EMINEM Revival Label Aftermath Entertainment Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  I listened to this on headphones because I was too embarrassed to let my neighbours hear me listening to Eminem. It was an interesting experience. I didn’t hate it nearly as much as I expected. If anything, I felt sorry for him. It’s like seeing your cousin’s bulldog a few months after it’s been neutered; sad, fat, tired and a little confused. He’s not that crazy guy from Detroit fighting to prove himself anymore; he’s a sober, rich white guy, approaching fifty, and I can’t help but think of his dis to Moby all those years ago: “You’re too old, let go...”

N.E.R.D. No One Ever Really Dies Label i am OTHER Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating 

FILM REVIEW TITLE The Shape Of Water GENRE Drama Fantasy REVIEWER Linda Heller-Salvador Multi-award-winning Mexican writer, producer, director Guillermo del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy) has gathered an impressive cast including Octavia Spencer, Michael Shannon, Richard Jenkins and Doug Jones to create a gorgeously atmospheric and mesmerisingly otherworldly fairytale drama that has it all: Cold War intrigue, counter plots, suspense, murder, romance and an amphibian creature! The Shape Of Water has at its core a traditional girl meets boy love story with a very peculiar twist that is delivered in del Toro’s distinctive and visually opulent storytelling style.

Set in 1962 when the Cold War between the United States and the Soviet Union was at its peak, The Shape Of Water tells the story of Elisa (Sally Hawkins), a lonely mute who works as a cleaner at a secret research facility in Baltimore. When a new ‘asset’ arrives at the facility her life is unexpectedly and irreversibly changed for the better.

Del Toro said, “The Shape Of Water is a healing movie for me and is a fairy tale for troubled times.” The underlying message he delivers is one of empathy, acceptance and seeing past exterior differences to accept the true depth of a person no matter who they appear to be.

70 The Beast | February 2018

Apparently this is a protest album. I can only guess at what they’re protesting though, because the lyrics are nonsensical and the music is what a nine year-old might come up with if you filled them up on red cordial and gave them a new keyboard. In truth, the majority of this album is borderline unlistenable. The frustrating part is that there are moments of sheer genius, but these are mainly reserved for the feature artists. N.E.R.D. I am severely disappointed in you and if this really is a protest album, you’ve just put your cause back several years.

MIGUEL War & Leisure Label ByStorm Entertainment Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  I owe Miguel an apology. I always thought that he subscribed to the Bruno Mars philosophy of R&B – just gyrate to a catchy beat and the rest will somehow magically work itself out – but alas, I was wrong.

Miguel is far more like The Weeknd or (dare I say it?) Frank Ocean. While he is not anywhere near as gripping as Mr Ocean, not many of us are, and this is a more than acceptable effort. War & Leisure is easy listening at its very easiest. And it's the perfect album to put on when you don’t really know what you feel like listening to.

ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Jamie Street Instagram @bondiwakeup SYDNEY CITY LIMITS Put Saturday, February 24 in your diary and grab tickets to see Justice, Beck, Future, Tash Sultana, Vance Joy and plenty of other quality acts. With four stages, 27 bands, pop-up craft bars, markets and Sydney Kiddie Limits for the youngsters, this festival is going to pump. Handpicked eats include Bad Hombres, Da Orazio, 10 William Street, Hartsyard, Mary’s, Yullis and Fratelli Paradiso, plus many more well-known establishments. It's on for all ages at Centennial Parklands. Please visit www.sydneycitylimits.com.

KILL CLIMATE DENIERS Sometimes I'd like to, but that is just the name of the play commencing at the Griffin Theatre on February 23. What would it actually take to stop climate change dead in its tracks? Guns? Revolution? A pumping soundtrack? Lee Lewis will direct this controversial take on the climate change ‘debate’ in Australia. It’s a play within a play, an action film inside a documentary,

Moody mornings.

a satire inside a rave. It's the kind of play that mainstage companies can’t put on - it’s why Griffin exists!

Visit www.griffintheatre.com.au.

GIVEN AT BONDI PAVILION Given is the simple yet powerfully contemplative story of a unique family legacy come full circle. Told through the visceral experience of a six year-old, Given follows legendary surfers Aamion and Daize Goodwin from their island home of Kauai through 15 different countries in the quest for surf and to fulfill a calling handed down through generations. Given gives us the humbling contrast of a small voice voyaging through a big world as it finds its way home again. See it at the Bondi Pavilion on Saturday, February 24. Please visit www.giventhemovie.com.

THE GENTLEMAN MAGICIAN In October 2015, Bruce Glen was admitted as an Associate of the Inner Magic Circle with Silver Star - an honour reserved for those who achieve the highest level of

excellence. The Magic Circle is the world’s most exclusive magic society, with fewer than 1,400 members globally. Every Friday evening, and now on selected Saturdays at the Royal Automobile Club, Bruce The Gentleman Magician re-creates the ambience and enchantment of a 19th Century Viennese salon for just 70 lucky people. For tickets, please visit www.gentlemanmagician.com.au.

MARDI GRAS FILM FESTIVAL Queer Screen’s 25th Mardi Gras Film Festival is a celebration of creativity and homage to the history as they bring the best and most diverse LGBTIQ content to the big screen. Tickets are now on sale for the festival, which screens from February 15 to March 1, 2018.

This year’s festival will of course occur in the context of the 40th anniversary of the Sydney Mardi Gras and the aftermath of the Same Sex Marriage Postal Survey.

For tickets and more information on the films to be screened, please visit www.queerscreen.org.au.

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Smoking hot right now.

BRINGING THE STREETS OF VERACRUZ TO BONDI Words Dining Dave Insta @diningdave Picture Tessa Ross-Phelan

T

he last time I reviewed a Mexican joint for The Beast was way back in 2014. It was a fantastic restaurant called Mr Moustache, which unfortunately was only around for a year or so.

When I discovered that my beloved Nando’s on Hall Street had shut down and was being renovated, I prayed for something new and exciting. Someone must have been listening on that fateful day because Fonda was born and my prayers were answered.

Fonda, which in Mexico means ‘a home that has been opened to the local community as a restaurant’ (rather than a homage to an American fitness guru), was established in Victoria in 2011, where there are currently seven outlets. It was started by two mates who had envisioned a venue serving high quality Mexican street food - affordable, tasty and fresh.

It's hard to miss Fonda’s skyblue façade with big, black letters spelling out Jane's surname as you cruise down Hall Street, as we happened to be on this particular

76 The Beast | February 2018

Wednesday evening.

Pumping music emanated from within as throngs of hungry punters lined the footpath waiting for a table. Luckily for our group of four, Dan the manager was kind enough to seat us in poll possie on the streetfront, avoiding the usual one-hour wait time after 6pm.

Our drinks were served by Lauren, a lovely lady from Seattle, who brought us a couple of classic margaritas, a Stone & Wood Pacific Ale fresh off the tap, and a watermelon and strawberry aqua fresca, which is a non-alcoholic chilled beverage that the street vendors serve south of the border.

Our feasting began with four servings of chargrilled corn with chipotle aioli, queso and lime; two crispy brussels tacos with fresh shaved brussels sprouts, pickled carrot and onion, caramelized onion and chipotle aioli; two market fresh rock ling tacos with guacamole, pickled carrot and onion, cabbage, chipotle aioli and lime; and a Hiramasa kingfish ceviche tostada tossed with shaved

cabbage, avocado, coriander, chili, fried shallots and toasted pepitas (pumpkin seeds).

I wouldn't usually get excited about brussels sprouts, but when Fonda puts them in a taco, it works! The corn cobs, dressed with a light cheese and aioli, got us salivating from the very first bite.

For mains, we selected the pineapple-glazed pork belly taco sharing board with pineapple salsa, chili-lime cabbage salad, guacamole, pickled carrot and onion, chipotle aioli, Fonda salsa, coriander and fresh lime, and the pasilla chicken quesadilla with rocket, pico de gallo, lime and jalapeño-basil aioli. Both dishes were awesome; spicy, tender and exploding with flavour.

For dessert, we decided on the buñuelos; a plate of crispy flour tortilla pastries dusted in cinnamon sugar and served with dulce de leche and Fonda’s house-made Mexican vanilla bean ice cream.

These things are next level.

To keep this wonderful summer night alive just a tad longer, we squeezed in one last round of drinks; an espresso martini and Kahlua on the rocks to line our happy bellies.

Fonda is smoking hot right now and it's not hard to see why.

They've nailed the location, the joint looks awesome inside and out, the food is delicious, the atmosphere is epic and the prices are pretty reasonable for such high quality ingredients. These blokes will have seven outlets across Sydney before long and they'll all be pumping, and you can say you went to the first one!

Fonda 85 Hall Street, Bondi Beach Phone 8583 6767 Instagram fondamexican Facebook www.facebook.com/ fondamexican/ Open Mon-Tue: 5pm-late; WedSun: 12pm-late Prices Individual items up to $20; share boards $49 Cards Accepted Yes Licensed Yes

Life is peachy.

PEACH, ASPARAGUS AND MINT SALAD Recipe and Picture Jacqueline Alwill

S

alads are such a lovely way to enjoy stone fruits and really up the impressive factor in a meal with zero fuss whatsoever. A personal fave of mine is to include asparagus in a salad because of the contrasting sweetness and crunch - it's just so delicious!

This gluten, dairy and sugar free peach, asparagus and mint salad is the perfect way to take advantage of the availability of delicious summer stone fruits for the remainder of the summer season.

INGREDIENTS (serves 4 as a side) • 3 peaches, seeded and sliced into eighths • 1 bunch asparagus, ends trimmed slightly • 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil • ½ cup mint leaves, picked • 1 cup rocket or watercress • ¼ cup hazelnuts, roughly chopped

DRESSING • ½ teaspoon dijon mustard • 1½ tablespoons lemon juice • 1 tablespoon Greek yoghurt • 1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil • 1 pinch sea salt and black pepper METHOD 1. Heat a large frypan on low heat, add 1 tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil, then add the peaches and asparagus; 2. Cook the asparagus for 4-5 minutes, turning a few times throughout; 3. Once the asparagus is cooked, remove from the pan and set aside.

Let the peaches cook another 10 minutes, turning every 5 minutes; 4. When the peaches are cooked and deliciously golden, remove them from the pan and arrange on a plate with rocket, asparagus, mint and hazelnuts; 5. Drizzle with dressing and serve.

This delicious recipe was provided by local nutritionist and author of Seasons to Share, Jacqueline Alwill. For whole food catering, nutrition workshops, recipes, and much more, please visit www.thebrownpaperbag.com.au.

February 2018 | The Beast 77

Absolutely fabulous.

EASY BEEF BRISKET PERFECT FOR THE FAMILY OR A LONG SUMMER LUNCH Recipe and Picture Catherine Noonan

O

ne of the easiest ways to feed your family a nourishing meal is to use a slow-cooking cut of meat. Along with lamb shoulder, pork shoulder and beef short ribs, beef brisket has become a favourite - this Easy Beef Brisket recipe is no exception.

Apart from being more affordable than your standard musclemeat cuts, another great thing about brisket is the leftovers. A 2kg brisket for our family (two adults and two young children) goes a long way, and I love nothing more than dicing up leftover brisket and pan-frying it until it is warmed through, golden and crispy.

Children - even little ones - will also love it. It is full of flavour and just so tender for their lazy little jaws. It truly is a fabulous and versatile family meal.

A serving of coleslaw is the ideal side dish for brisket, or any kind of salad in warmer weather, so don’t let the summer vibes put you off.

Note: If the brisket hasn’t begun to caramelise after one hour with the lid off, turn the temperature to 78 The Beast | February 2018

high for the last half hour and it will turn golden and crispy before your eyes.

This Easy Beef Brisket recipe only takes around five minutes to prepare and 5½ hours to cook. I hope you enjoy this meal as much as we do!

TOOLS • Large baking tray/dish (at least 2½ inches deep) INGREDIENTS (serves 4-6) • 2kg grass fed beef brisket with lots of fat on top - definitely do not remove the fat!

• 1 handful of herbs (rosemary, oregano, and thyme) • 1 teaspoon Celtic sea salt • 500ml chicken broth/stock • 500ml filtered water METHOD 1. Preheat a fan-forced oven to 160°C; 2. Lay half of the herbs in the large baking tray; 3. Lay the brisket flat on top of the

herbs in the baking tray; 4. Sprinkle the brisket with the Celtic sea salt; 5. Sprinkle the rest of the herbs on top of the brisket; 6. Pour the chicken broth/stock and water around the brisket; 7. Place a lid or foil on top and transfer to the oven to roast for 4 hours; 8. Remove the lid and roast for another 1½ hours, basting every 30 minutes with the pan juices; 9. Serve with coleslaw and/or a green salad.

STORAGE Store any leftovers is an airtight container in the fridge.

Cath Noonan is a self-confessed health-foodie, recipe creator, and nutrition student, as well as the founder of healthy food blog, I Heart Scratch. Check out the delicious food pics on her Instagram account, @i_heart_scratch, and find more recipes by visiting www.iheartscratch.com.au.

That's not what I meant.

HALF BOTTLES OF WINE A GREAT WAY TO EXPLORE NEW DROPS Words and Picture Alex Russell Twitter @ozwineguy

A

ustralians love to drink, but most of us aren’t very adventurous when it comes to our choice of beverage. Most of us will generally drink whatever is put in front of us, but when we’re buying we tend to stick to the same thing.

Many of us won’t buy bubbles or dessert wine, for example, except for special occasions - maybe it's because the bubbles go flat, or because too much sweetness takes some drinking.

I think we’re missing out, so how can we possibly try more of these wines without waste?

The answer: half bottles! And right here in our very own Eastern Suburbs, you will find that the Bellevue Hill Bottle Shop has a little business going called Half Bottles (www.halfbottles.com.au).

Normally half bottles aren’t great value compared to full bottles. They’re produced in smaller quantities, and retailers also buy them in smaller quantities, so they don’t receive the discounts that they get on full bottles. But Half Bottles specialises in them, so they

do get discounts, which means great value for you.

Looking through the sparkling wines on the site while I'm penning this piece, I see Astoria Caresa Prosecco for only $12. And if you want to get adventurous, there’s a Bleasdale sparkling shiraz for $11 - you can count me in!

Want to move into proper Champagnes? No problem. They have piccolos (200ml) starting at $17 and half bottles starting at $25.

These are great value, and it means you can open these smaller bottles, enjoy some quality booze, and not have to worry about it going flat.

Let’s move onto dessert wines.

Most shops don’t have anywhere near the range that Half Bottles have. A favourite of mine is Joseph “La Magia” (The Magic) for $29.

Still worried about drinking a 375ml dessert wine that will go off in a few days once it's been opened?

No problem, there’s also an extensive range of fortifieds that will be fine for a couple of months after opening - a great thing to keep in mind for the cooler winter months.

There’s a cracking range of reds and whites too. I’m constantly trying to get people to try new styles of wines, but people often baulk at buying a 750ml bottle in case they don’t like it. You’ve got a lot less to lose if you buy a 375ml bottle and there really is some great stuff available: Burgundy, Bordeaux, top shelf Italians and the best from New Zealand and Australia. You’ll find labels like Cullen, Yarra Yering, GAJA and more.

I’ve bought a few cases from Half Bottles now and I recommend trying them out and exploring some new drops. If you want to put on a great Valentine’s Day dinner at home, may I suggest: • Pol Roger bubbles ($42) with oysters • William Fevre Montmains Premier Cru Chablis ($35) with garlic prawns • Mount Difficult Pinot Noir ($31) with duck pancakes • Chateau D’Arche Sauternes 1998 ($28) with whatever turns you on.

Please note: Prices are by the dozen, straight or mixed, and may change.

February 2018 | The Beast 79

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ACROSS 1. Cocoa based treats (10) 7. Former British Prime Minister, Margaret ... (8) 8. ‘T’ in the NATO phonetic alphabet (5) 9. Vehicle (3) 11. A possessive determiner (2) 12. Escaping (7) 14. Dusk (14) 15. A strong desire (4) 17. ‘Yes’ in Spanish (2) 18. Kalashnikov abbreviation (1,1) 19. Dark lord in Star Wars (4) 20. Modern form of communication (5) 21. American athlete who played both professional football and baseball, ...

Jackson (2) 23. Requiring

strenuous effort (7) 24. Duty (4) DOWN 1. Rockmelon (10) 2. Fruit; Colour (6) 3. Sea creature that predicted 2010 football world cup match winners, Paul the ... (7) 4. Risotto balls (8) 5. French delicacies (9) 6. South African civil rights activist who helped end apartheid (7,4) 10. Joining word (3) 13. Sundown (4) 16. Large; thousand (5) 21. Public transportation vehicle (3) 22. Significant Other abbreviation (1,1)

TRIVIAL TRIVIA Words Cameron Anderson Picture Amaury Tréguer Instagram @morningbondi 1. Which female tennis star was suspended for two years after testing positive to banned substances in 2007?

2. Who has scored the most goals for the Socceroos?

3. Which actress played the character Rachel Zane in the US TV series Suits?

Stylin'.

80 The Beast | February 2018

4. Which American country singer is married to Faith Hill?

5. Which capital city is the most densely populated city in the world?

6. Who played Pennywise the Clown in 1990s movie It? 7. Name the seven dwarfs from Snow White.

8. Which male tennis player - arguably the best tennis player ever - was appointed to Australia's highest honour, the Order of Australia, in 2016?

9. What are the two main ingredients of a Martini?

10. At which local beach was this lovely photograph taken?

Handmade. Timeless. Customisable Furniture New store opening January 322 Crown Street Surry Hills

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ARIES MAR 21-APR 20 Just because you’re a ram doesn’t mean you’re a sex god. Make up for your lack of ploughing prowess with the assistance of toys.

VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23 We all know how proud you are of your high standards, but there's a point at which it becomes delusional and you passed that point long ago.

TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21 “Nothing so undermines your financial judgement as the sight of your neighbour getting rich.” Stay away from Bitcoin, you’ve been warned.

LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23 Lighten up a little bit with your tooth-brushing regime or your gums will recede and you’ll need to have a gum graft.

GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21 Don’t feel bad about being lost in life. Make the most of the downtime by learning a new skill, like how to gamble online or use Netflix.

SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22 As much as you strive to be a kinder, better person, you know deep down that it’s in your nature to be nasty.

AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19 It’s not fashionable to be late, it just shows a lack of respect for people’s time, which is fair enough when your time is actually more valuable.

CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22 Quit tugging at your eyelashes or you’ll have none left. You’re better off just rubbing your eyes all the time like you used to.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21 Beware the friend that tells you how much money they're raking in. The really rich people are secretive and sly and would never let you know.

PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20 Have you inspected the inside of your undies lately? For Christ’s sake learn to wipe your arse properly you grub.

LEO JUL 23-AUG 22 Stop telling everyone how much you love your job. It’s a shit job and you’re not fooling anyone, apart from yourself and your dopey partner.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20 If you think everyone’s looking at you, it’s because they actually are.

Spend a moment in front of the mirror and you’ll soon realise why.

STAR SIGNS Words Beardy from Hell

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Phone 9797 7290 Mobile 0409 808 866 www.clarkremovals.com.au 82 The Beast | February 2018

1. Martina Hingis 2. Tim Cahill 3. Meghan Markle 4. Tim McGraw 5. Manilla, The Philippines 6. Tim Curry 7. Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, Dopey 8. Leyton Hewitt 9. Gin, Vermouth 10. Bondi 1

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