The Beast - April 2018

BEAST The

April 2018

MICHELLE JENNEKE

Putting Her Best Foot Forward

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WELCOME TO APRIL 2018... THE BEST MONTH OF THE YEAR Words Dan and James Hutton

W

elcome to the April 2018 edition of The Beast – the monthly magazine for Sydney’s Beaches of the East.

April is our favourite month of the year weather-wise, especially as the wind starts to puff offshore and the crowds thin. Footy season’s also well underway, and the Roosters are looking strong with the all-star line-up they somehow managed to squeeze under the salary cap. How did they do that, by the way?

Michelle Jenneke is our cover star this month. Michelle shot to fame back in 2012 as the ‘dancing hurdler’ after videos of her performing her pre-race warm-up ritual at the World Junior Championships in Barcelona went viral on YouTube. We caught up with Michelle as she was preparing to compete in the Commonwealth Games, which are being held on the Gold Coast from April 4 to 15.

In local news, Siriol Dafydd has written about a petition by Bondi’s John Haire proposing legislation to enable the removal of vehicles that have been parked across - or obstructing - people’s driveways.

As the law currently stands, you could park your car across someone’s driveway and leave it there for a week and the authorities couldn’t do a thing other than fine you. I’m sure it would have received the attention of a crowbar by that stage, but that’s not really the point.

Tara Hayes has written about Stefan Briggs’ campaign to run the Marathon des Sables in April to raise $50,000 for Giant Steps, a school supporting young people with autism. Marathon des Sables sees competitors face gruelling conditions as they venture over 250 kilometres through the Sahara desert in Southern Morocco.

Duncan Horscroft has penned a profile piece on his good mate, Coogee resident Steve Bargwanna, whose book, An Apprenticeship in Australiana: My Education in Six Summers, tells the story of how he juggled his three-year university course into a six-year adventure around the country.

Sarah Yates has penned a tribute to late Bondi local Cale ‘Superfoods’ Remnant, who tragically passed away in March last year.

Thanks again to all of our readers, clients and contributors. Print media seems to be making a bit of a comeback after being written off by many pundits. There's still no more effective or affordable way to reach more people in the Eastern Suburbs than through our little publication.

Until mailboxes cease to exist, that will continue to be the case. We'll leave you with that thought.

Dan and James - Publishers

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Contents April 2018 Issue 159 08 11 12 14 20 22 24 26 27 40 42 43 44 54 56 58 60 62 64 66 68 70 72 76 80 82 82

Welcome Note Contents Pearls of Wisdom Monthly Mailbag Local Bloke Local Chick Thumbs and Dogs Local News Beastpops Satire Calendar Trade Directory Interview Unreliable Guide Enviro News Tide Chart Fish ‘n’ Tips Sporting Life Headnoise Sexy Time Travel Bug Local Photos Reviews Food & Wine Trivial Trivia Beardy From Hell Trivia Solutions

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

THE REVENGE OF PISTOL AND BOO Words Pearl Bullivant Picture Johnny Heard

H

ad Barnaby Joyce been a politician in the era of Xenophon of Athens (rather than Xenophon of SA-Best), his current woes could easily be explained away as a Grecian tragedy. From his citizenship woes, which have their origins in Pericles of Athens, to his adultery, which was punishable by death (i.e. the back bench), it appears that from the moment Barnabas crossed paths with two Yorkshire terriers bearing hipster names his life has never been the same. It’s a shame that he never consulted Michaelia Cash (posing as the Delphic Oracle) on that fateful day in May 2015, as she may have saved him from fouling his own boat by portending the dire consequences of threatening to sacrifice Pistol and Boo to the God of Agriculture.

Why the Minister of Agriculture felt the need to get involved in the case of two little dogs flouting the quarantine laws seems quite bizarre - isn’t that the job of Customs? Was he seeking instant fame to impress his young lover? Or could he see a fledging industry in sending puppies off to China?

12 The Beast | April 2018

Pistol and Boo are not the only four-legged friends that Barnaby Joyce has been harassing. The spotlight may be focused on the hypocrisy of a married man who sees nothing wrong with having sex with a co-worker while promoting a Catholic, pro-family, anti-gay, anti-abortion moral stance, but his crimes against animals in the form of live export have been conveniently and hypocritically overlooked by the masses and a media obsessed with jobs and growth at the expense of furry creatures.

Remember the mass hysteria rightfully whipped up by the Four Corners report on live cattle export to Indonesia while Julia Gillard was PM? And the venom, which forced her government to suspend all live exports? That same venom has been retracted for the LNP government, with Barnabas extremely active in sending cattle off in boats to China and extending his plans to the live-export of donkeys to satisfy the Chinese appetite for donkey skins. The Chinese may have decimated donkey populations in Africa to near extinction

but, prior to his political demise, Joyce was imploring Australians to understand the cultural requirements. “If people want edible donkey skins, Australia is going to provide them,” he lectured us.

It’s a pity Joyce couldn’t show equal concern for the cultural requirements of refugees in detention, but when it comes to China’s appetite for animals, Barnabas has been more then accommodating, excitingly mentioning horses, kangaroos, goats and llamas in his planned live-export menagerie.

And that’s when Boo and Pistol stepped in.

Conservative politicians have always underestimated the sixth sense of animals, treating them as economic pawns for agriculture or financial impediments to mining and property development.

It seems quite fitting that Boo and Pistol have bitten back, on behalf of all creatures, at the man who threatened their lives. Let’s hope, for the sake of the donkeys, that the hex passes on to the next Agricultural Minister. Otherwise, who will save the animals?

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THE BEAST'S MONTHLY MAILBAG Words The People of the Eastern Suburbs SHOW NO MERCY? In your article, titled ‘Show No Mercy’ (Pearl's of Wisdom, The Beast, March 2018), Pearl Bullivant (a pseudonym I gather) recommends the possession and use of mace, which is a prohibited weapon in New South Wales under Section 7 of the Weapons Prohibition Act 1998.

If you followed Pearl's advice and used mace to subdue another person, even in self defence, you would find yourself in the Waverley Courthouse on charges. Such is the power of the law, and aspiring battle-axes would receive little mercy from the magistrate.

Does The Beast advocate the use of violence and prohibited weapons within the Eastern Suburbs?

Julian Waverley WAVERLEY COUNCIL ENVIRONMENTAL VANDALS Dear Dan - Waverley Council has just issued a survey about its Draft Lighting Policy. The survey is completely flawed in that it proceeds on the basis that residents want Council to light its parks, beaches, buildings, paths and trees. It asks you to rank why you want to see lighting “improvements” and you can’t submit the survey without doing this. The first question should be whether you actually want any of this lighting at all.

The proposal to light the coastal walk is particularly insensitive. The beauty of the coastal walk is that it is - in the main - natural, wild and free from man-made clutter. You 14 The Beast | April 2018

don’t feel like you are in a big city when you walk along it. However, it seems that when Council sees empty space it feels compelled to “improve” it.

Just look what they have done to Bronte Cutting, which is a listed heritage item. What was once a road through beautiful sandstone cliffs is now filled with ugly parking meters and white lines. Even with no one there it feels like you are walking through a parking lot.

And now they want to add street lights as well.

The lighting idea is also wrong from a sustainability perspective.

Why is Council wanting to spend ratepayer's money to produce more greenhouse gases and light pollution by lighting places that don’t need to be lit?

Council should rethink this one, and this flawed survey should be abandoned immediately.

Penny Mora Bronte DEAD HORSE FLOGGED INTO THE AFTERLIFE AND BEYOND Dear Eds - I'm disappointed that Bill Davies/Mark Hersey/whatever your name is, has given up so soon on his idea of a “tree-shaded pedestrian boulevard” along Bondi Beach (not to mention his precious underground car park) - oh sorry, did I pop that thought bubble?

Yes, in an ideal world there would be no need for a car park at Bondi Beach, nor world hunger or My Kitchen Rules. However, if it's the green space at Bondi Beach you're so concerned about, I expect

you will be lobbying Waverley Council to shut down events such as the Open Air Cinema, Bowl-A-Rama, the Polo Club, etc.

- after all, these big events alienate beachgoers from large sections of the available green space for many weeks of the year. Please keep us all posted on your progress.

Andrew Worssam Bondi BRONTE BEACH CAR THEFT Dear Beast - Just a quick community announcement... I had my car stolen from Bronte Marine Drive yesterday while out at the point.

I was chatting with another dude and his mate recently had the same thing happen.

Classic, the keys stashed under the car, I was probably watched.

They dumped the car 500 metres away and I recovered my phone using Find My iPhone from a bush 300 metres from the dumped car.

The cops have prints, etc. but I thought it might be helpful to the community to put the word out if possible. Thanks.

Chris Bronte WEARY CONTINUANCE Hi Guys - It is disappointing that Bill Davies, a long time critic of those who oppose the closing of Queen Elizabeth Drive (QED) to the driving public, persists in falsely suggesting to your readers that the closure would result in the conversion of “those many acres of concrete into the extra green and recreational space we need”.

(Letters, The Beast, March 2018).

Your readers do not deserve to be so blatantly deceived.

As has been explained to him, and other interested readers on several occasions in The Beast’s Monthly Mailbag, the consultants chosen by the previous (and prounderground car park) Council regime realized the futility of such a fantasy.

The GTA Consultants report to Council unequivocally stated that “it is essential that Queen Elizabeth Drive be kept open for service and emergency vehicle access”

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(p.37). Additionally, the report envisaged a taxi rank and a 40kph speed limit on QED (p.38).

Simply put, even if that prounderground car park Council regime had not been voted out of office and its grandiose schemes had been implemented, QED would remain a road with traffic.

The concrete would remain, not converted into anything, though perhaps painted green in order to boost the delusions of those who fantasize their whereabouts.

Greg Maidment Bronte HOW MUCH DOES A FOOT COST THESE DAYS? Clearly a fine of a few hundred dollars is no deterrent to using a mobile phone while driving.

Double the fine? That won't work!

Suspend or cancel the licence? That won't stop people from continuing to drive!

These texters are like disobedient children who flagrantly disregard authority (and the law).

To change the behaviour of a child, the penalty must be linked to their currency; i.e. the phone, the licence and the vehicle!

Proposal: When any driver is detected using a mobile phone while driving (first offence): 1. Issue an on-the-spot fine; 2. Confiscate the phone on-thespot (non-refundable); 3. Confiscate the licence on-thespot (reinstated after formal testing, a minimum of three months or more after the offence); 4. Issue a court summons so a magistrate can order community service where the offender must work with victims of road trauma.

Losing one's phone often leaves a data hole that costs time and money to replace. Confiscating the licence as well as the phone is a double hit on top of a fine.

For a second offence, all four above, plus impound the vehicle for 28 days. For a third (and all subsequent offences) all four above and crush the vehicle.

Vehicles are impounded when used to perform antisocial acts such as donuts and burnouts, but 16 The Beast | April 2018

a vehicle that's out of control because the driver is looking at a phone can kill someone, so impounding the vehicle is a punishment that fits the crime of a second offence.

Use of a mobile phone while driving has cost an officer of the law his foot - he now has a life sentence! The government needs to get serious and up the ante against these unruly and recalcitrant ‘children’!

Hugh Ellens Randwick ONE FOR THE MAILBAG Delivering The Beast was a love/ hate relationship for me. It would have been more love had I bothered to get up earlier to enjoy the relative coolness of a summer morning instead of the oppressing heat and humidity later in the day.

I would always curse myself half way up a steep hill in the middle of the day and, as I sweated profusely, I’d think, “I’d be finished now if I’d only woken up earlier”.

I will, however, miss the cool early mornings, walking along those tree-lined streets of Bellevue Hill and Bronte, deep in my own thoughts or observing the hustle and bustle of life around me. I took comfort in the knowledge that my wife passed on to me about the job: “You’re getting paid to get fit.”

She was right, 50-plus kilometres with a heavy backpack, over two and a bit days, definitely helped the fitness.

Thanks to all those many residents who cheerfully accepted The Beast when I delivered when they were by their letter box or in their front yard. Their common refrain was, “Thanks, we love The Beast.”

Thanks to the Indian restaurant owner on Macpherson Street who me gave free samosas when I delivered to his restaurant one day - that was a very kind gesture.

But a big thanks to The Beast Editors, Dan and James. I defy you to find two more generous, down to earth and decent human beings.

They were always friendly, supporting and fair. Judging by their interaction with the other Beast

deliverers I met over the two years during pick-ups or drop-offs, I have no doubt that they would feel the same way.

Good things started happening to me when I began working for The Beast. First, here’s a bit of a background... I was retrenched at 50 and found it very difficult to get back into the workforce full-time. I spent the next couple of years slogging away in a warehouse out west and getting continual knock-backs with job applications.

One day I responded to The Beast’s call out for deliverers and I was given a go there and then.

After about four months, another part-time job came up and Dan or James (I can’t remember) gave me a glowing reference - I got the job.

Six months later more part-time work came up and James and my other new employer gave me glowing references. I got the new job, and now I couldn’t be happier with my work situation. I remember James being so happy for me, but earlier being worried that he may have blown it for me with that last reference by talking me up too much!

Regretfully, my new casual position and other work means that I can’t squeeze my Beast deliveries into my working commitments. I will miss delivering The Beast.

I pen this letter to shout out a big thanks to Dan and James, and to encourage everyone to continue supporting The Beast. Continue reading it, recommend it to your neighbours if they’re not reading it, support the local businesses who advertise in it and, local companies: advertise in it if you don’t do so already. It’s a great informative read and it is well received in the community, judging by the favourable interaction I have received during my deliveries over the past two years.

Don’t take it for granted just because it shows up in your letter box every month. Support it because it’s your community and it is a labour of love for Dan and James, as it was for me.

Greg Maroubra

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THE PUB WITH NO BEER... GARDEN For two years I have been annoyed by the Maroubra Bay Hotel being surrounded by a huge blank space.

The ‘pub with no beer garden’ - The Maroubra Bay Hotel - was once a rowdy bloodhouse where you could apparently obtain any illicit substance known to man and beast.

For at least two years now it has been a model of decorum; a family pub chockers with well-behaved kids and adults having a pleasant time and enjoying the excellent food from the bistro.

Why then is there no beer garden, just a sad-looking vast area of unadorned concrete? It’s crying out for tables and chairs, colourful umbrellas and kids playing and grown-ups socializing. The other side of McKeon Street is full of life and colour, so why is this area left so noticeably bare?

Pamela Maroubra WE'RE ALL IN LOVE WITH BARNABY Dear Editor - When I first heard reports of ‘Family Values’ Barnaby Joyce’s ‘Love child’/infidelity, I must say that I was impressed. An impressive show of moral flexibility from one so long on the game. If it had been his cousin, the bloke who runs Qantas, then I would have been equally impressed.

As Barnaby Joyce has apparently been able to change his nationality, without any electoral consequences, so what would be the risk of polygamy? Perhaps he might now change his religion to one that allows for plural marriage so that he need not desert his first family for his new second family, or his need to be a family values moral campaigner.

I’m sure that this move would be welcomed by many Australians of differing religions or cultural traditions, as an endorsement of Australia’s new multicultural values - only please do not tell his fellow cabinet minister, Mr Dutton, who seems to be quite cranky at the moment about some ‘different’ sorts of Australians.

Garry P Dalrymple Earlwood 18 The Beast | April 2018

SOME PASSING COMMENTS Hello dear Dan and James - May I please make a few comments in the monthly mailbag? Re the Prince of Wales hospital refurbishment: could “A Resident Affected” please give us some more details?

Is that land zoned accordingly? What prices were offered?

Remember the bad old days when hardly any recompense was given at all? Did you notice how the light rail has been shoved up our...?!

Never mind.

I think that 88 residents is a small sacrificial number in view of it providing us with a hospital that will handle a fast-growing population, who will be grateful it's there.

I do feel for the residents, but do we count?

I think that, instead of a truly massive central hospital here, it would help to have more good hospitals scattered about all suburbs. Less parking problems as well - you know we used to have them before development came in.

What of Prince Henry Hospital in Malabar? Look at what stands in its place now! And the excellent Zetland Hospital of the ‘50s and ‘60s? The Eastern Suburbs Hospital, where I was operated on - at least it's a school now, fair enough.

The Royal Hospital for Women in Paddington? More luxury units!

So, these 88 affected residents do not really make my eyes water, I've already cried enough.

Pearl, my darling “battle-axe”...

The accompanying photo of Don Burke... really?! I saw that back at the time of the dinosaurs, when life was good. Can I say that?

Now onto the next issue, and I am not alone here: I pity all the ‘feminists’ of today - I truly do - when I listen to their vocals.

They must come from difficult environments, not empowered at all, whoosh! Do they dress in flimsy tops and do their posing for the benefit of us females? Gee, ta!

When I came across pigs in the workplace (there were quite a few) I found another job, and quickly too! Women now want equality with the very same rude, arrogant mien they accuse men of. They also

use the ‘threat’ of exposure (false or true) blindingly. They ‘forbid’ words! They have a serious personal problem to deal with, within themselves - don't push it to me.

I refuse to debase males as a separate species. There are millions of good men out there! I see them pushing prams in the park every day. I had a wonderful father, a lovely husband, a son (and daughter) and many precious male friends. I am woman and I do defend these men, for equality's sake, and for freedom's sake. I do not want to emasculate them all for the numbers of some. You made inroads, do not botch it.

And, come to think of it, I see around me more young bitches than dogs (excuse my literature).

Let's nurture our differences and see how roles can be filled with genuine fairness and good.

If you carry on as is, we'll have generations of soppy men growing up to become a copy of what the feminists claim to have been up until now; abused, meek. Pah! Francine

THE BEAST Publisher The Beast Pty Ltd ABN 32 143 796 801 www.thebeast.com.au

Editors james@thebeast.com.au dan@thebeast.com.au

Advertising Enquiries advertising@thebeast.com.au www.thebeast.com.au/advertise

Circulation 61,000 copies of The Beast are distributed every month; 55,500 are placed in local residents' mailboxes and another 5,500 copies are placed in shopfronts.

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Letters To The Editor Please email your feedback to letters@thebeast.com.au.

and over-development! I worry about the impact it’s having on the natural environment and the longterm residents of the area.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? I’m a staunch supporter of the mighty Chooks.

What music are you into at the moment? Check out an up-andcoming band from Botany called Maverick - young dudes doing good things.

Who is your favourite person?

If I don't say my missus I'll get castrated, but otherwise my mum, above all.

What do you get up to on the weekends? It depends on the weather, and whether or not I have a wedding on, but generally surfing and catching up with friends down at the beach.

A man of many talents.

LOCAL BLOKE...

TRENT BALDOCK FROM BONDI Interview and Picture James Hutton

B

ondi’s Trent Baldock is a marriage celebrant who runs his own local celebrancy, Trent The Celebrant. Trent shares his local favourites with The Beast...

How long have you lived here? It’ll be 32 years this year - my whole life. I’m the third generation of my family living in the beautiful Scum Valley.

Why do you live here? Because when I walk the streets I still see the beauty of what this place was, not what it has become now.

What's your favourite beach?

Hahaha, I'm going to have to say Bondi.

20 The Beast | April 2018

What's your favourite eatery? I'm a simple man who enjoys a chicken schnitty down at the Rat House (North Bondi RSL), and lately the Diggers Club has been doing a cheap and banging seafood platter for two.

Where do you like to have a drink?

The Royal was my local, but now you’ll really only catch me at the Rat House.

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? My family are all from here, and they’re still here, and there is no place like home .

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? Rapid unplanned change

What do you do for work? I’m a carpenter during the week, working with PGR Projects, and a marriage celebrant on the weekends. I launched my marriage celebrancy business last year, Trent The Celebrant, and it’s been incredibly enjoyable. If you’re planning a wedding, check out my website, www.trentthecelebrant.com. I also run a record label called Dogfight Records in my spare time.

What's your favourite thing about work? I guess there is no better feeling than being the person who is standing in front of two loving people who are about to give themselves whole-heartedly to each other, and I am the one who gets to solemnise this and make it official - it’s hard to beat that.

Do you have a favourite quote?

“Life is too short to worry about a price tag, you have the rest of your life to pay it off !” - Trent Baldock Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Just keep on keeping on and the rest will come, and shouts out to James and The Beast for hitting me up to do this!

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What music are you into at the moment? A whole mix, depending on the mood. A bit of alternative, jazz and mellow, Mt Wolf, M83 and Xavier Rudd. Then all the retro true jazz of Billie Holiday and Louis Armstrong, as well as Jimi Hendrix. I work listening to classical music, and I like the oldies like Don Henley and Journey everything except the techno doof doof, which makes my head hurt.

Who is your favourite person? I have a million spectacular people in my life - hundreds of inspirational people, both alive and dead.

Doing what she loves.

LOCAL CHICK...

BARBARA LANDSBERG FROM BRONTE Interview and Picture James Hutton

B

ronte’s Barbara Landsberg is a garden designer at Landsberg Garden Design, working from her studio in Bondi to transform spaces into beautiful gardens.

Barbara shares her local favourites with The Beast...

How long have you lived here? I’ve lived in Bronte for 12 years now. I lived in Bondi for a few years, then lived overseas for 10 years, then returned home at the end of 2005.

Why do you live here? Because it’s a fabulous community and it’s beautiful. We had a home in Bondi, but we were living overseas and knew it would be a little small for our family. I need space around me, and my husband, Merrick, loves the water and being outside.

We also needed to be able to get to the city for work and we wanted a place for our kids to grow up where there was plenty of outdoor space and a healthy community atmosphere - and the beach, of course!

Bronte ticks all those boxes.

22 The Beast | April 2018

What's your favourite beach?

Bronte, there is no question.

What's your favourite eatery? It varies but my current favourites are Gordon’s or Huxton’s for breakfast, G’day Bronte on Bronte Beach for my morning coffee, and Pheast on Bronte Road for dinner.

Where do you like to have a drink?

On my balcony.

Best thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The relaxed, friendly atmosphere and people, and the walks, beaches and family feel.

Worst thing about the Eastern Suburbs? The litter that people leave around the parks and beaches. Our open spaces are fabulous, special places - a gift for everyone to share - and they should be respected.

Do you have a favourite sporting team? I have to say the Easts Rugby boys, because my son plays for them and it’s a great local club.

What do you get up to on the weekends? I run around like a mad person, walk the dog, garden, have a hundred projects on the go, work, and often go up to the Blue Mountains where my parents are to walk and garden, and to cook.

What do you do for work? I’m a garden designer. I work with fabulous people, outside with the Earth and her glorious elements, to transform spaces into beautiful gardens that are healing and bring delight. I am very lucky. Visit www.landsberggardens.com.au.

What’s your favourite thing about work? Getting to be creative, working with the Earth and transforming a space into something beautiful and full of life, and watching our clients come alive with delight and find their own connections - and breathe again!

Do you have a favourite quote?

The year is moving so fast already, I find myself saying, “Dock your oars, stop trying to paddle furiously upstream. Maybe where you need to be is downstream, and the current will take you there with no effort, so just go with the flow.”

Any other words of wisdom for readers of The Beast? Take your shoes off and put your feet on the earth - there is a life force that pumps through it, and every living thing that will come through you and make you well.

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April 2018 | The Beast 23

ROHAN Age 9 years Sex Male Breed Maltese x Weight 4kg

Freak of nature Mark Mathews. Pic: Corey Wilson.

THUMBS UP MARK MATHEWS From snapping his leg in half in 2016 and being told he would probably never surf again, to this beautiful barrel at Rainbow Bay just last month; if you’re in need of some inspiration, check out this bloke’s story.

FOOTY SEASON Regardless of your preference in football codes, footy season sure does make Sydney winters a whole lot more bearable - not that they’re that bad to start with.

APPROPRIATE BRUTALITY In the right circumstances, it’s good to see police manhandling shitbag criminals. Regardless of your age, if you’re an armed robber you deserve to get bashed.

DOCTORS AND NURSES We’re really appreciating our amazing medical professionals at the moment.

THUMBS DOWN POOR PLANNING The quality of life for the average Sydney resident has been significantly diminished over the past five years, mainly due to an unsustainable increase in population and a non-existent long-term plan.

AUSTRALIAN DEFENCE POLICY Being able to defend yourself is important, but being nice to people and keeping your nose out of their business is also a smart defence strategy.

ENDLESS RENOVATIONS Waking up to the punishing sound of a jackhammer and three blokes arguing over who has the best cock isn’t the best way to start your day.

DOUBLE STANDARDS The hypocrisy of Australia’s political class is slipping even further towards Third World standards.

24 The Beast | April 2018

Rohan is a sweet, easy-going boy. He is cuddly with people, great with kids and social with other dogs, but people are what’s most important to him. Rohan has recently had dental work, with a number of extractions. He walks at a steady pace and has a non-shedding, low-maintenance coat. Rohan comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped.

Also included for the love and health of Rohan is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

CARLOS Age 12 years Sex Male Breed Japanese Spitz x Weight 9.4kg

Carlos is a sweet-natured little doggie, who absolutely loves pats and cuddles. He is quite social with other dogs and plays along nicely. He loves to be around people, especially people with lots of money.

Carlos is easy to handle and his wonderful fluffy coat is relatively easy to clip. Carlos comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped. Also included for the love and health of Carlos is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

NANCY Age 12 months Sex Female Breed Sharpei x Lab Weight 26kg Nancy walks well on lead, ignoring passing cars, but does have a rather annoying tendency to bark or lunge at other dogs. Fortunately, her behaviour tends to improve throughout the course of a walk. Nancy loves a run and enjoys a cuddle with our volunteers. She has a short, low-maintenance coat. Nancy comes desexed, C5 vaccinated, heartworm free, and microchipped.

Also included for the love and health of Nancy is a free health and wellness voucher with the Doggie Rescue vet. For more details, please call Doggie Rescue on 9486 3133, or email monika@doggierescue.com.

Parking spots are scarce around here.

PARKING UP THE WRONG TREE Words Siriol Dafydd Picture Valentina Di Blase

I

t is no secret that parking in the Eastern Suburbs is an absolute cluster-fudge. Between beach visitors monopolising spaces and obnoxious house prices preventing most mere mortals from owning driveways, having a guaranteed parking spot is the stuff of dreams.

Imagine then that you’ve somehow scored yourself a regular spot.

You’ve miraculously dodged the sweaty ball-ache of hiking (probably uphill) to your car every morning and have been spared the extra 30 minutes added to most people’s commute when they desperately try to remember where they were last forced to park their car. Savour this feeling. You are one of the chosen few, young Padawan.

Now imagine some cretin has parked in your beloved space. This inconsiderate peasant has defied social decency and befouled your parking haven, dragging you back down to earth with the rest of us poor unfortunate souls. That feel26 The Beast | April 2018

ing of rage in your stomach, the utter disgust at the sheer injustice of it... that is what made John Haire finally snap.

After discovering (on his first day living in Bondi) that someone had parked in his space and buggered off to Thailand, John quickly learnt that having your own parking spot actually means jack-all. After complaining to the building manager, John was told it was impossible to have the vehicle towed away legally, even with his permission.

“I was astounded,” Mr Haire told The Beast. After subsequently discovering a vehicle blocking the entrance to his building one day, he decided to take matters into his own hands and start a petition.

“The police told me they were unable to move the car. All they could do was call the owner and maybe issue an infringement. They didn't have the owner's number on file and refused to send an officer

to issue a fine as it wouldn't allow me into my space anyway.”

John is not alone. The Bondi Local Loop Facebook page hosts plenty of complaints from disgruntled locals facing absurd issues at the hand of inconsiderate heathens. One post discusses the owner of a spot purposely blocking in an offending vehicle hoping to make them face up to their crime.

The offending parker however (let’s call him Howard the Coward) simply ripped out a bollard from behind the space and left.

Of course, most civilised citizens would rather not sink to the level of Howard and his ilk but, as John told The Beast, “Unfortunately, the best advice I've seen is to illegally tamper with offending vehicles,” including using a trolley jack to move it to the middle of the road (at which point it can be legally towed), writing on the bonnet with nail polish remover or smearing faeces under the handle.

Thankfully, John’s petition doesn’t advocate acting upon these suggestions but rather highlights the “absolute madness that the police and the council are powerless to remove a car blocking access to or trespassing on someone's property.”

As The Beast went to press, the petition had reached well over 100 signatures and had been forwarded

by Gabrielle Upton to the Minister for Roads, Maritime and Freight.

We reached out to both Randwick and Waverley Councils.

Waverley confirmed that while it is illegal to park across a driveway (for which a $257 fine can be issued), “Council has no power to tow offending vehicles.”

A Randwick spokesperson explained, “There may be some opportunity for slight modification to the provisions to allow police to have the vehicle towed away in ‘exceptional circumstances’ such as medical reasons (for the resident blocked in), but Council would have concerns about the introduction of a blanket provision.”

The (marginally) good news is that councils are permitted to enter into agreements with strata and community schemes to enforce parking restrictions on private land.

A Waverley spokesperson told The Beast, “This allows Council to infringe illegally parked cars, not remove them, and is only the case for properties that have entered into a strata/community parking area agreement. Currently, no properties in the Waverley area have done so.”

In an ideal world, all drivers should be entrusted to behave like civilised humans but, as Member for Coogee Bruce Notley-Smith told The Beast, “It beggars belief just how unthinking and selfish some people can be. If I had my way, I’d have a vehicle causing an obstruction towed away immediately.”

So if you, like John, are plagued by this issue, you may wish to peruse his petition on change.org (search ‘illegally parked cars’).

Perhaps with enough signatures, these policies can be re-visited and a bit of parking decorum restored in the East.

HOW'S THE PARKING SITUATION IN YOUR STREET? Words and Pictures Stiffy McPherson

Alberto BONDI JUNCTION In my street it’s actually really bad. All of the area around where I’m living is only 1-hour parking, Monday to Saturday from 8am to 6pm, and you can only park on one side of the street so it’s always full. Luckily I have a garage, otherwise I couldn’t even live there. There are probably twice as many cars owned by residents in my street that don’t have a garage, as there are available parking spots on the street - è una merda!

Dominique CLOVELLY It’s horrible, especially on the weekends, and the ongoing renovations in our street has made it even worse. I’m so glad I leave work in the early afternoon, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to get a park anywhere near my place. On the weekends you never dare to move your car because parking is so scarce.

Council have sold numerous spots to developers, so the rest should be dedicated to residents parking only.

Jamie BONDI It’s appalling. I can only get a park around midday and my housemate has to park about five blocks away. It’s such a convoluted process getting your parking permit but the rangers are so apparent. It took my mate in Bronte almost eight weeks to get his permit, and during that time he got fined twice for parking in a back lane that you couldn’t park in on Sundays only, for some reason - there’s just no logic behind in.

April 2018 | The Beast 27

Stefan and Thomas preparing for the big race.

LOCAL DAD TO RUN ‘TOUGHEST FOOTRACE ON EARTH’ MARATHON DES SABLES Words Tara Hayes Picture Jason McCormack

T

he thought of running a marathon is daunting enough for most of us, let alone completing six in as many days. That’s the challenge facing local dad Stefan Briggs, who will take on an ultramarathon in April to raise $50,000 for Giant Steps, a school supporting children and young people diagnosed with autism.

Marathon des Sables sees competitors from all over the world face gruelling terrain and conditions as they venture over 250 kilometres in six days through the Sahara desert in Southern Morocco.

“We can expect to run over sand dunes, rocky, shaley ground, and over mountains as well,” Mr Briggs told The Beast.

“You carry all your own food and equipment on your back, and you’re completely self-sufficient over the week, save that they give you water each day and they set up a tent for you each night that you share with other competitors.”

The annual ultra-marathon, with recorded temperatures reaching an almost unbearable 50 degrees in the past, has attracted over 13,000 competitors since its inception in 1986.

The test of physical and mental endurance is known as the ‘toughest footrace on earth,’ but Mr Briggs said it does not come close to the daily challenges faced by those diagnosed with autism.

The father-of-three knows firsthand how valuable Giant Steps’ programs are, not only to the school’s many students but to their families as well.

The charity school and intervention centre in Gladesville helps those between the ages of two and 26 with a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder.

“The support they provide is just first-class, and it’s backed

by international research as to what the best techniques are,” Mr Briggs said.

“You’ve got a ratio of almost one to one in terms of staff members to students; it really is a fantastic school for kids experiencing autism who may struggle in other environments.”

Mr Briggs’ 12-year-old son Thomas, a regular Bondi swimmer and movie lover, has found schooling environments challenging in the past. Since moving to Giant Steps last year, everything has turned around.

The value added to the families of our children goes far beyond a child being able to communicate and play with their siblings; it gives families hope for the future.

“Tom has settled in so nicely and we’ve seen a big improvement in his behaviour and his demeanour since he’s been there; he has just done so well,” Mr Briggs told The Beast.

It comes as no surprise that Thomas and his family are among many that praise Giant Steps’ world-leading programs. All students have the opportunity to reach their full potential through occupational, speech and music therapies, combined with the educational curriculum.

Giant Steps Sydney, alongside its newly opened school in Melbourne, charges no fees and receives less than half of their required operating costs through Government funding. Contributions and fundraisers like Stefan’s

are relied on to raise the majority of funding.

Mr Briggs has undergone months of around-the-clock training, running on our coastal footpaths and at the Cronulla sand dunes, to prepare for this mammoth race.

“Stefan is taking on an enormous challenge in an amazing effort to raise much-needed funds for the school,” Giant Steps’ National Funding Director Michelle Jocum told The Beast.

With 1 in every 100 children now diagnosed with autism, every donation, no matter how big or how small, will go a long way in helping loved members of our community.

“Giant Steps is unique in that it offers children with Autism the opportunity to grow and develop and reach goals that we previously thought to be unattainable,” Ms Jocum said.

“The value added to the families of our children goes far beyond a child being able to communicate and play with their siblings; it gives families hope for the future.”

The expenses for the ultramarathon have been totally selffunded by Mr Briggs, with every dollar raised going directly towards the charity.

Let’s all get behind Stefan’s fantastic effort in support of Giant Steps and help him reach his goal of $50,000!

Giant Steps is a registered charity, allowing all donations to be totally tax deductible. All contributions, no matter the size, are greatly appreciated.

To donate to Stefan's race and help raise much-needed funds for the Giant Steps school, please visit give.everydayhero.com/au/ marathon-des-sables.

April 2018 | The Beast 29

BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Samantha Bailey THOUSANDS VOTE FOR RATE RISE A majority of local residents and ratepayers have backed a Randwick City Council proposal to seek a special rate variation in order to deliver a number of significant community projects.

An independent telephone survey and a ratepayer survey of almost 6,000 respondents found majority support for a cumulative rate increase of 19.85% over three years and borrowing $27million to fast track projects. The increase equates to about $70 per year for the average residential ratepayer paying $1,159 per year and would see several significant projects delivered in the next seven years.

For more information, please visit www.yoursayrandwick.com.au/ ourcommunityourfuture.

RUNNING WORKSHOPS Local physiotherapy practice UprightCare are excited to launch their series of free community running workshops. UprightCare receive lots of questions from patients about running and would love to share the latest research and thoughts. The workshop will

Bondi bike rack.

include a Q&A and practical components, as well as discussion of training concepts, running technique and common injuries.

Beginners, regulars and professional runners are all welcome to attend on April 10 at 6pm. Bookings are essential and can be made by emailing info@uprightcare.com.au.

PLASTIC-FREE LIVING Get along to Coogee Beach on Sunday, April 22 between 10am and 2pm and learn how to be plastic-free. Bring along your reusuable cup for cafĂŠ discounts, bring the kids to see the puppet shows and participate in the ocean action quiz. There will be street art, giveaways, and a whole lot more to switch your thinking to plasticfree living. For more information, visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au or call 1300 722 542.

NEW COMMUNITY GARDEN Woollahra Municipality’s latest community garden was officially opened by Mayor Peter Cavanagh on March 10. Located at North Cooper Park on Cooper Park Road, opposite the Community

Hall in Bellevue Hill, Cooper Park Community Garden will provide locals with the opportunity to nurture their own plots, meet other community members and have fun. For more information or to join, interested members of the public can head to the Cooper Park Community Garden Facebook page or send an email to cooperparkgardeners@gmail.com.

COCKNEY CHIMNEY SWEEPS The Chimbley Bruvvers are two Dickensian Cockney chimney sweeps who like to entertain a crowd with their rapscallion ways via good old singalongs and comic Cockney banter - think Mary Poppins, My Fair Lady and Oliver! Behind these characters are local performers Soledad Cordeaux and Eliane Morel, who have been street performing for many years at local schools and nursing homes.

The Chimbley Bruvvers can be hired for any event, big or small, and can be contacted by emailing eliane.morel99@gmail.com or solepop@ozemail.com.au. And remember, chimney sweeps signify good luck!

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April 2018 | The Beast 31

Travelling in a fried-out Kombi...

A HIPPY TALE THAT’S FULL OF AUSSIES Words Duncan Horscroft Picture James Hutton

T

he heady days of the ‘60s and ‘70s saw many hit the hippy trails of India, Kathmandu and other parts of Asia in search of their Nirvana.

This was a time of free love, sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, the turmoil of the Vietnam War, revolutionary ideas and the beginning of the Whitlam era.

Coogee local Steve Bargwanna chose Australia as his ‘hippy trail’ and hitchhiked and jumped freight trains around our vast continent.

In his book, An Apprenticeship in Australiana: My Education in Six Summers, Steve tells of how he juggled his three-year university course into a six-year adventure around the country.

From a close-knit hardworking family, he was privileged enough to get a private school education which led to him taking on a university degree, before succumbing to his new-found freedom.

“The year 1968 had been tumultuous,” Steve says in his book.

32 The Beast | April 2018

“I was 19. I had too much freedom, too many new and revolutionary ideas and far too much grog for a raw boy running amok in his first year out of the protective private school cocoon. I had to get out of Sydney.”

A descendant of explorer William John Wills, the urge to venture into the ‘wilderness’ was in his blood.

With thumbs up he and a university mate set off on their first journey, which saw them end up in Western Australia and work in the wheat fields for their first taste of ‘hard yakka’.

It was the start of many adventures that saw Steve adapt to life on the road, surviving a car crash and the wrath of the Queensland police, and whatever it took to survive in a harsh land.

The book is a ‘Boys Own’ travelogue, which portrays life on the road and all it took to adapt to tough times as well as the good times and meeting a myriad of

characters along the way.

“I really wrote this book as a legacy to my children and grandchildren to let them know what it was like in my youth and of the times that may never be seen again,” Steve said.

“We had freedom, no mobile phones or computers, and did our best to cope with everything that was thrown at us - some good, some bad.

“It was also a journey, in parts, to trace some of the footsteps of William John Wills and to try and understand what happened on the ill-fated journey of explorers Burke and Wills.”

It’s an enjoyable read that heats up from the cool temperate zones to the steamy tropics and dry outback, highlighting the energy of youth and the radical zeal of students in the halcyon days of change.

The book is an independent publication and is available on amazon.com as a paperback for $5 plus shipping, and as a kindle edition for $4.15.

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The ultimate gentleman.

ONE OF BONDI’S BEST FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS Words Sarah Yates Picture Will Veron

I

n March last year the Bondi community suffered a sudden and devastating loss of one of its beloved comrades - a young man named Cale Remnant. At 26 years of age and affectionately known as ‘Superfoods’, he made a lasting and positive impression on people who were lucky enough to meet him, and left a gaping hole in the hearts of those who were closest to him.

Cale hailed from the southern NSW beach of Culburra and, when he voyaged to the shores of Bondi, was instantly accepted by the locals as one of their own. Tragedy struck when he was accidently electrocuted while clearing a roof gutter in the rain. His unforeseen passing devastated the Bondi community, as he was so ingrained in its fabric.

34 The Beast | April 2018

A much-loved member of the Bondi United football team, he voluntarily coached the Under 10s for 4 years running and played for their premiership winning A Reserves side. He was a part of the Scum Valley crew in the Bondi Boardriders, with the club honouring his memory with the Scum Valley Cale Remnant Cup. Bondi local and long-time mate Will Veron remembers Cale as being the ultimate gentleman: “He never had a bad word to say about anyone, and you would never come across anyone who could say a bad word about him.”

Although most of his closest friends staunchly flew the Roosters flag, he was a dedicated Broncos supporter, wearing the jersey down

at the Beach Road Hotel every Friday night.

“He was very different to what we all were, but he suited us well. He loved going out, having a beer and was pretty much up for anything - he was just a heap of fun to be around,” Mr Veron told The Beast.

The two gents became fast friends on the rugby league field as teenagers, and it wasn’t long before Cale became tight friends with the rest of Bondi’s local crew.

“Cale always wanted to be there for his mates, for anyone really.

If you ever needed help doing something, he always put his hand up. You could always rely on him, that’s just the kind of guy he was,” Mr Veron said.

A massive board paddle-out took place in his honour at Bondi the day before his wake at Waverley Oval, with hundreds turning up to both events to pay their respects. The celebrations moved on to his favourite watering hole, the Beach Road, where the community and his family shared their stories. The congregation of those who loved and respected him most was unforgettable.

Losing someone so young and full of life has a profound impact, especially on those who haven’t experienced the loss of a loved one.

It hit his young mates particularly hard. Trying to make sense of the senseless can be an overwhelming task, even for the most resilient.

Although time may not heal all wounds, mateship has been the remedy for those who Cale left behind.

“Everyone’s doing much better now,” Mr Vernon said. “We still talk about him all the time. He’s always brought up in our conversations. That will happen forever, I guess. It’s easier to talk about what happened to Cale with each other.

When it first happened it was hard being alone. Getting together every day helped us get through the toughest times. If we didn’t have each other it would have been pretty terrible. He was a legend, a gentleman and a true champion.”

From Culburra to Bondi and everywhere else you’ve been, we all miss you, Superfoods.

MORE BITS AND PIECES FROM AROUND THE BEACHES Words Lisa Anderson Picture Sebastian Elmaloglou Instagram @intepic WYLIE'S BATHS FUNDRAISER If you've ever had a swim at Wylies Baths, we're sure you'll be keen to contribute to keeping the place in good nick. The management of Wylie's are throwing a fundraiser on April 6 to raise money for essential renovations, and they're seeking donations of tangible or intangible goods to auction off on the night. If you have something cool to donate, please email swimnow@wylies.com.au. Tickets can be purchased from the kiosk.

BIKE SCOURGE CRACKDOWN Dozens of dockless bikes have been removed from Waverley Council's beaches, parks and streets as bike companies were put on notice to remove abandoned bikes from public places. Council is keen for the bike schemes to work, and while the companies complied to a certain extent, approximately 60 share bikes were taken away by rangers, nearly all of which were broken. Any bikes not claimed by the bike companies for the charge of $70 per bike will be recycled, all at taxpayers’ expense.

Heat-seeker.

ANIMAL MAGIC FOR SICK KIDS Graffiti-style animals, classic cars and beautiful landscape photography will adorn the walls of Sydney Children’s Hospital, Randwick to help brighten the lives of sick children and their families. Through the Collection and Exhibition Program, the Art Program also provides opportunities for emerging artists to showcase their talents and many of the works are available to purchase, with a portion of each sale going to the Foundation.

Autumn Art Exhibitions is part of the Art Program run by Sydney Children’s Hospital Foundation and will be on display until May 31.

BONDI PAVILION REVISITED At a recent Waverley Council meeting, Council voted to withdraw the previously submitted development application for the Bondi Pavilion project and begin the process of preparing a new, community friendly refurbishment plan. The revised concept will be open for community consultation once completed. In the interim, Council will be working on some

upkeep and maintenance works on the pavilion, including renovating the public toilets, repairing and repainting windows and door frames, and replanting planter boxes. For more information, visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN RANDWICK CITY Randwick Council recently announced it will provide financial assistance to a local domestic violence support agency for the next five years. These funds will enable the agency to increase outreach services to three days a week within the Randwick City local government area. In Randwick City, between 2016 and 2017, there were 373 reports made to police of women or children suffering at the hands of another person. At the moment, Randwick women and children who experience domestic violence need to travel outside the area in order to access services that will be of most benefit to them. For more information, visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au or call 1300 722 542.

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April 2018 | The Beast 37

The Bondi Tram meandering under Bondi Road back in the day.

WHY THE BONDI ROAD TRAM IS THE WRONG WAY TO GO Words Dr Marjorie O’Neill Picture Trammy McTramface

I

t’s easy to look back to the 1950s and 60s and think about the good ol’ days and the beautiful old wooden trams that shot through the Eastern Suburbs, and how amazing it would be to bring back this wonderful piece of history.

My parents often talk about catching the tram in the days of their youth, frequently followed by a wave of nostalgia and the sharing of the joyful memories of clanging wheels, timber seats, Aussie colours and steps too high for little legs. My great-grandfather worked as a butcher in the city and would throw a small bundle of meat out of the tram window for my grandmother to collect on Oxford Street at Bondi Junction on his way home to Bronte - a cherished story from family folklore.

As some in the community may know, in November 2017 I 38 The Beast | April 2018

passed a motion that Waverley Council should reject light rail down our Bondi Road corridor, a transport option proposed in a number of Council reports since 2012. Those living in Randwick and Kensington have experienced first-hand the implications of this transport ‘solution’. Unfortunately for those of us living in the east, it’s clear that the light rail currently being rolled out is nothing like the clunky, quaint Bronte Tram of the twentieth century. Light rail today is being used throughout the east to justify further overdevelopment and not as a legitimate transport solution to the needs of locals living in the most densely populated part of Australia. Every new transport hub and light rail station purportedly ‘justifies’ more development and greater density.

As many of us know, the light

rail is creating more problems than solutions. Being above ground, it has not only resulted in the loss of hundreds of beautiful heritagelisted trees and more encroachment on our green open space, paired with further high rises, but the infrastructure won’t actually fulfil transport demand in the east, so buses will still be needed along the same route. Then there is the fact that 60-metre-long light rail carriages will be traveling at nine kilometres per hour through a number of major intersections, including South Dowling Street and Anzac Parade.

Economists tell us that in order to encourage people to adapt and change, we need to make it easy for them to do so. In the case of transport, if we want to get cars off the road and encourage people to use public transport, we need to

make it simpler and more affordable. For most locals in the east, the light rail stops are not well placed, as they have been chosen to cater for visitors to Moore Park, the racecourse and UNSW - many of whom are from outside of the area. The needs of those wishing to travel within the east have been ignored, and most of us wanting to use the light rail to get to work will have to catch a bus in order to get it - not great planning, is it?

Over the past few months we have seen the privatisation of our buses by the State Government, as well as the systematic removal of bus stops and important bus services throughout the Eastern Suburbs. Take the 378 as an example; a fabulous bus service operating from Bronte to Railway Square with vital stops along Oxford Street, St Vincent’s Hospital, Darlinghurst Courts and much more. The 378 was replaced by the dud 440, with a route to Leichhardt so long and torturous that running late was almost guaranteed. It may be true that most of us are happy to never leave the area, and some do regard the Harbour Bridge purely as an escape route to annual holidays, but in reality many of us do need to get to work across the vast metropolis of Sydney, and for most that involves crossing Anzac Parade.

Consideration needs to be given to the needs of local residents and not just visitors. Consider where locals actually want and need to travel, not just how to justify further development. Public transport is a long-term investment that requires strategic long-term thinking and investment. Think about the London Underground, built in the Industrial Revolution and still used and thriving today. We need to stop thinking about public transport as a cost that needs to be recouped via stamp duty and start thinking about what we want Sydney to look like in a century from now, not just over a four-year electoral cycle.

Dr Marjorie O’Neill is a current Waverley Councillor. The views expressed here are her own.

DO YOU RECKON THEY SHOULD BRING BACK THE BONDI TRAM? Words and Pictures Stiffy McPherson

Sue PADDINGTON They should, but it needs to be underground. In fact, the transport to Bondi should be underground, regardless of whether it’s a train or a tram or whatever. Bondi Road should be a road for the people, not just a clogged up car park. Maybe the train to Bondi Junction should just continue on to the beach, but I’m sure there’s a reason why it doesn’t. If you’re going to live in a beautiful area, you’ve got to be prepared to share it.

Tom BRONTE I went to get a bus on Bondi Road the other night, and five full ones drove past before I just gave up and caught an Uber.

And that was at around 6.30pm on an overcast weekday, going into the city, so if they could squeeze more people on a tram then I reckon yeah, go for it. But then everyone will just complain about the traffic up Bondi Road anyway, even though the goal of public transport is to get cars off the road in the first place.

Frances NORTH BONDI Yeah, why not?! Because the buses they have now are really shit, and the trams seem to work well - you just jump on and jump off, too easy! The buses never turn up on time, they’re overcrowded and the roads are always busy. The trams have their own dedicated track and they’re just unstoppable. I think they’re much better environmentally as well, producing much less carbon monoxide than the current arrangement.

April 2018 | The Beast 39

"Sorry Vlad, the whole shirtfront thing, it was only a joke."

TONY ABBOTT BLAMES THE BEAST FOR EUROPE’S EXTREME COLD SNAP Satire Kieran Blake Picture Ollie Gark

F

ormer Prime Minister Tony Abbott has launched a scathing attack on The Beast for causing the recent extreme weather conditions that swept across Europe.

“Climate change is real,” he shouted down the microphone during a regular radio segment.

“Climate change is behind the recent blizzard-like conditions in Europe and it is all due to The Beast from The East. Anyone who denies climate change, or refutes suggestions that it was caused by The Beast magazine, is simply deluded.”

The severe weather conditions saw temperatures plummet, caused transport chaos and accidents, and resulted in the extended closure of many schools throughout Europe and the United Kingdom.

Abbott continued to rant about human-induced climate change, while constantly alluding to an article in this magazine which revealed an affinity between himself and Maroubra’s Bra Boys, due to a common devotion to staunch protection of their territorial waters.

“The magazine suggested that I was receiving support from the 40 The Beast | April 2018

Bra Boys in my effort to replace Malcolm Turnbull as PM,” he said.

“The magazine even went so far as to claim that I would run on the platform of ‘Locals Only’ ridiculous.”

“Clearly, the magazine’s attack on a devoted supporter of environmentally sustainable living caused the blizzards.”

Abbott cited every major mainstream news network, all of which are blaming the weather conditions on The Beast from The East and not, for example, on The ABC from Down Under or The Saturday Paper from the Inner West nor The Green Left Weekly.

Critics of Abbott questioned the tenuous link between an uncharacteristically cold northern winter and a satirical article in an Australian magazine.

“I took the time to confer with some of the most enlightened and respected world leaders before appearing on radio,” retorted the Member for Warringah.

“I enjoyed a lengthy and productive conversation with Vladimir Putin, who confirmed the link

between the weather events and The Beast from The East - because that is one of the many names he likes to give himself,” Abbott said.

“Also, Donald Trump replied with a tweet confirming that The Beast from The East could be either Xi Jinping or Kim Jong-Un, and that they were certainly to blame for the blizzards - and everything ‘bad’.”

Finally, I consulted a long-time ideological mentor, Sultan Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Mu’izzadin Waddaulah ibn Al-Marhum Sultan Haji Omar Ali Saifuddien Sa’adul Khairi Waddien Sultan, and Yang Di-Pertuan of Brunei Darussalam, who assured me that if it is possible for lesbians to cause earthquakes, it is extremely likely that a scathing article in a monthly magazine from Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs is the underlying cause of extreme weather conditions on the other side of the planet.

Mr Abbott then completed his rant by claiming he could singlehandedly return all of Europe to stable weather conditions, but...

“It’s too cold for Speedos.”

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April 2018 MONDAY

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AFFORDABLE YOGA Keen to try yoga but aren't really into ‘the scene’? Head to the Randwick Literary Institute every Tuesday and Thursday from 6.30-7.30am to take advantage of Randwick Community Yoga's weekly class for $10. For more information, call 0488 343 666.

COMMONWEALTH GAMES BEGIN The Gold Coast Commonwealth Games open this evening and will run until April 15. There will be 70 nations and territories competing in over 20 different sports, and we actually get to win medals in this one. For tickets and information, please visit www.gc2018.com.

MALONEYS HOME DELIVERY Too lazy to do your grocery shopping? Maloneys now offers a complete home delivery service, so there's no excuses for living on Domino's and Deliveroo. Get your order in by 7pm and it'll be delivered fresh to your door the next day.

Visit www.maloneysgrocer.com.au.

RUNNING WORKSHOP Participate in this free community running workshop for beginners to pros this evening at 6pm and learn training concepts, better running technique, and understand common injuries. Bookings are essential and can be made by emailing info@uprightcare.com.au.

FOOD ADDICTS MEETINGS Tonight, Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) is hosting one of its twice weekly meetings, which are held every Wednesday at 7pm and Friday at 10am at Salvation Army Hall, 100 Boyce Road, Maroubra. For more information, please visit www.foodaddicts.org.

ROOSTERS v RABBITOHS Get down to Allianz Stadium this evening to see the mighty Roosters take on their arch rivals, the South Sydney Rabbitohs. Kick-off is at 7.50pm and fans are encouraged to arrive early to allow time to enter.

You can purchase tickets by visiting www.sydneycricketground.com.au.

BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP Royal Randwick Shopping Centre will be holding awesome BuildA-Bear workshops at 9.30am, 10.30am and 11.30am every day from Monday, April 16 until Friday, April 20. Tickets are only $8.00 each and you can pre-book at www.royalrandwick.com.au.

SYDNEY FC v SHANGHAI SHENHUA Watch our boys in blue take on Chinese powerhouse Shanghai Shenhua in the Asian Champions League at Allianz Stadium this evening. Gates will open at 7pm for an 8pm kick-off. You can purchase your tickets by visiting www.sydneycricketground.com.au.

CURRY OR PIE? Get down to the Robin Hood Hotel on Wednesday nights from 5pm for $20 specials on the bistro's delicious curries and pies. The deal includes a complimentary house beer, wine or soft drink.

For more information, please visit www.robinhoodhotel.com.au.

COOGEE BE MINE? Are you single and ready to mingle? Meet your match at Sydney's best singles party from 6pm until late on the Coogee Pavilion Rooftop. There is no better place to prowl if you're in the market.

For more information, please visit merivale.com.au/coogeepavilion.

PARKLANDS KIDS ACTIVITIES Are your ‘little darlings’ driving you up the wall? Confiscate their mobile phones and bring them to Centennial Parklands for plenty of fun school holiday activities this autumn. For more information and to book, please visit www.centennialparklands.com.au/whatson.

ROYAL BLOOD AT THE HORDERN Get down to the Hordern Pavilion this evening to watch Royal Blood, along with special guests Polish Club and Psychedelic Porn Crumpets, blow the roof off the joint. Gigs like this are too good to be missed. For more information, visit www.frontiertouring.com.

ANZAC DAY When the powers of Europe mobilised for WWI, Australian troops enthusiastically answered the call.

The anniversary of the Gallipoli landing has become a national day of commemoration. Get to a dawn service this morning and pay tribute to friendship and bravery.

CHARING CROSS DINING ROOM Not sure what to do for dinner this evening? The Charing Cross Hotel has recently refurbished the dining room and welcomed talented new Head Chef George Lyon to the team. To check out their delicious menu, please visit www.charingcrosshotel.com.au.

JOIN WAVERLEY BUSHCARE Join like-minded locals and help make a difference to one of Waverley's special green spaces. You'll learn about native plants and wildlife and enjoy the benefits of time spent in nature. No experience is necessary. For more information, visit www.waverley.nsw.gov.au.

EASTER MONDAY In the Western Christian liturgical calendar, Easter Monday is the second day of Eastertide. Analogously, in the Byzantine Rite it is the second day of Bright Week, whatever that means. It's also a day of mourning for all the chocolate rabbits who survived the massacre.

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WYLIE'S BATHS FUNDRAISER Wylie's Baths will be hosting a fundraiser this evening to raise funds for essential renovations.

They need donations (tangible or intangible) to auction off on the night, so if you're a lovely generous person and you'd like to help out, email swimnow@wylies.com.au.

SYDNEY FC v MELBOURNE VICTORY Get to Allianz Stadium tonight to see Sydney FC take on Melbourne Victory in their A-League clash.

Play starts at 7.50pm and fans are encouraged to arrive early and allow plenty of time to enter the venue. Purchase your tickets at www.sydneycricketground.com.au.

THE SCRIPT LIVE AT ICC SYDNEY Irish rock band The Script will be performing live at ICC Sydney Theatre this evening, along with special guest JP Cooper. For more information and to buy tickets, visit www.frontiertouring.com.

WARATAHS v LIONS AT ALLIANZ SWANS v CROWS AT THE SCG

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EASTER SUNDAY AND APRIL FOOLS Today presents a rare opportunity to put laxatives in someone's chocolate and get away with it.

And don't forget to wind your clock back an hour at 3am, because daylight saving is over, as are postwork surfs and fancy-free mornings filled with dappled sunlight.

SYDNEY SWANS v GWS GIANTS The Swans take on their crosstown rivals today at the SCG from 7.25pm. Grab your tickets at www.sydneycricketground.com.au.

RANDWICK v GORDON AT COOGEE The mighty Wicks do battle with Gordon at Coogee Oval today.

First grade kick off at 3pm.

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SYDNEY FC v ADELAIDE UNITED Drop in to Allianz Stadium today as Sydney FC host Adelaide United in their A-League clash.

Play starts at 7pm and fans are encouraged to arrive early and allow plenty of time to enter the venue.

Purchase your tickets by visiting www.sydneycricketground.com.au.

SCHOOL HOLIDAYS IN WAVERLEY Waverley Council's school holiday program will run from today until April 29, with dozens of free and affordable activities to choose from including sports, computing, dance and ukulele lessons. For more information, visit waverley. nsw.gov.au/holidayprograms.

RANDWICK v EASTERN SUBURBS Get down to Coogee Oval today for ‘Back to Randwick Day’ and witness the mighty Wicks as they do battle with the boys from Easts.

Games start from 11am and the first grade match will kick off at 3pm. For more information, please visit www.randwickrugby.com.au.

PLASTIC-FREE LIVING Come along to Coogee Beach today from 10am-2pm for a fun day exploring plastic-free living.

There will be street art, giveaways and games for all, so bring your own cup for your café discount!

For more information, please visit www.randwick.nsw.gov.au.

THE KILLERS LIVE AT QUDOS The Killers, along with special guest Alex Cameron, are going to absolutely light up Qudos Bank Arena this evening as they belt out tunes from their new album Wonderful Wonderful, as well as all the old hits. For more information, visit www.frontiertouring.com.

BONDI SUNDAY MARKETS Today, and every Sunday between 10am and 4pm, you’ll find clothing from up-and-coming designers, handmade jewellery, exotic imports, retro-chic furniture, vinyl records, homewares, art, one-off vintage pieces, and more. Please visit www.bondimarkets.com.au.

Plumbing Steve Kova Blocked Drain Co. Ph: 0414 885 675 Fencing Troy Salvatico Jim’s Fencing Ph: 0405 543 530 Builder Mark Potocki Against The Grain Ph: 0415 688 562 Rubbish Removal Dave Whiteley Dave's Rubbish Ph: 0401 296 069 Mechanic Jordan Hayman JH Automotive Ph: 0424 144 987 Painter Brett Dooley Nielson Dooley Ph: 0404 888 089 BBQ Caterer Wardy Wardy & Sons Ph: 0414 293 396 Concrete Head Jay Rodney Oceanside Ph: 0411 989 565 Plumber Luke Fletcher Pipe Up Plumbing Ph: 0431 638 558 Locksmith Bradley Rope SOS Locksmiths Ph: 0498 767 767 Electrician Adrian Langen Langen Electrical Ph: 0400 006 008 Arborist Jeff Hunt Prompt Trees Ph: 0412 280 338

by visiting www.thebeast.com.au/events-guide

Putting Her Best Foot Forward

MICHELLE JENNEKE Interview James Hutton Picture Dominic Loneragan

M

ichelle Jenneke shot to fame in 2012 as the ‘dancing hurdler’ after videos of her performing her now famous pre-race warm-up ritual before her heat at the World Junior Championships in Barcelona went viral on YouTube.

In early 2010 Michelle finished first in the 100 metres hurdles at the 2010 Australian Junior Championships, going on to break the Australian record in the women's sprint medley relay. Later that year she won a silver medal in the 100 metres hurdles at the 2010 Summer Youth Olympics, and in 2014 was selected to represent Australia at the Commonwealth Games.

Michelle went on to win the 100 metres hurdles at the 2016 Australian Athletics Championships to qualify for the Rio Olympics.

I caught up with Michelle at Pier One for this interview with The Beast. If you ever have to go to Pier One, I should mention that a coffee at the cafe downstairs costs $5, takes over half an hour to prepare, and tastes like warm milk, so plan ahead and get your caffeine fix prior to your arrival if possible.

A big thanks to Michelle and her PR team at Stark Matthews for tolerating my poorly researched questions and general lack of knowledge about everything. She's a super-talented, bright and bubbly character with a big future ahead of her, as you'll see...

How are you today Michelle? I'm very well today, thank you. It's a beautiful day here in Sydney.

Whereabouts are you living at the moment? I'm actually living in Wentworth Point, so it's right near Olympic Park. It's very convenient for training. I do all my gym there, and I'm also right near the track.

44 The Beast | April 2018

You grew up in Kenthurst? Dural actually, right next door to Kenthurst. That's where my parents still live. We've been there for 11 years or so. Three months ago I moved out with an athlete friend of mine to be closer to training in the leadup to the Commonwealth Games.

My old boss was a Chinese girl whose parents were market gardeners out there; what do your oldies do? They don't do anything special out there. We just moved up there because we like the lifestyle.

We've got five acres - a nice big property - with plenty of room for our dogs to run around. We don't have any horses or anything like that, we just like the lifestyle. My dad works in the city, so he treks into the city everyday. Mum doesn't work, she just looks after the place.

I started Little Athletics when I was nine years old. I loved it from the start. I wasn't particularly good, but I always had a good time.

You're currently studying a Bachelor of Mechatronic Engineering at the University of Sydney; what's that all about? Yeah, mechatronic engineering is a combination of mechanical and electrical engineering. It's essentially robotics. I find it really interesting. I'm a little bit of a nerd, so I've slowly worked my way through that. I've actually only got six subjects left, which is pretty awesome. I'm part time, so I should be finished within a year and a half.

What would you do with a mechatronics degree? You can really get

into a lot of different industries - a lot of industries these days use mechatronic engineers for a whole range of stuff. I'm not really sure what I want to get into yet though.

Initially I was thinking that robotic prostheses would be really interesting, but I'm not sure if I'll end up doing that or not.

The Beast is an Eastern Suburbs publication; do you spend much time around the Eastern Beaches?

If I want to go down to the beach or something I'll definitely head out there. It's absolutely beautiful and I love going out there, but I don't actually get out to the Eastern Suburbs that often unfortunately.

What's your favourite beach; Bondi, Tamarama, Bronte, Coogee or Maroubra? Probably Coogee. It's beautiful down there. Especially around the headland, it's so pretty.

Is there anything that you dislike about the Eastern Suburbs? Yeah, the traffic. I think that's really the only problem with the Eastern Suburbs, the traffic. And the roads aren't wide enough.

So, you can't actually get in there...

Yeah.

What made you go into athletics, and hurdles specifically?

When I was younger I did lots of different sports, I tried my hand at everything. I started Little Athletics when I was nine years old.

I loved it from the start. I wasn't particularly good, but I always had a good time. I started training the year after, so I was 10 years old, just doing once a week, training for hurdles. I improved dramatically.

My first year I did Little A's I came fourth at Zone, the next year I came

second at State and made some really big improvements. I've always just loved it, especially hurdling. I love all athletic events, but hurdles has always been my favourite. I was fortunate enough to make my first Australian team in 2010 when I was 17 years old. I went to the Youth Olympic Games, which were in Singapore, and ran a massive personal best there and came second, and I was like second in the world, that was absolutely incredible!

Wow, when you were only 17? Yeah, it was my first time being in that team environment and I just absolutely loved it. From that moment I decided I was just going to try and make as many teams as I could.

So you'll never have to get a proper, annoying office job... Oh, I'm sure I probably will down the track, but for now I'm doing pretty well.

Were your oldies sporty as well?

Yeah, they were reasonably sporty when they were growing up. They had me and my sister when they were quite young, I think my dad was 20 and my mum was 21 when my sister was born, she's two years older than me. They couldn't really continue playing sport with two young kids. When they were growing up they were both quite sporty, but not representing Australia or anything like that.

But they had a bit of ability? Yeah, they definitely have some natural talent. Growing up, they were always going out to play with us. It worked for me, I'm quite athletic, didn't work so well for my sister.

She has fun with sport, but she doesn't have the sporty gene in her.

According to michellejenneke.com, your personal best of 12.82 is the current state New South Wales record and ranks you as the fastest Australian women's 100 metre hurdler of all time... Second fastest.

Sorry, the second fastest. Sally Pearson is the fastest? Yeah, she is.

Are you going to knock her off her perch any time soon? Oh, I really don't know.

46 The Beast | April 2018

How big's the gap? From her best time ever, which she ran in 2011 at the World Championships, her PB is 12.28. My PB is 12.82, so it's pretty big. When I race against her I'm generally not that far behind, maybe .3 or so, which is still a reasonable distance. She won the World Champs last year, she's the reigning World Champion and the 2012 Olympic Champion. She's not going to be easy to beat, but I love racing against Sally. I know if I line up next to her it's going to be a fast race. If I can try and keep up with Sally, then I know I'm in awesome shape because she's one of the best hurdlers in the world.

I did the best that I could, and some days it just doesn't work for you. I guess that's how I deal with it - knowing that it wasn't my best performance I put forward because of other circumstances.

Is Sally still on top of her game now? Yeah, she won the last World Championships, she's still flying.

Are you guys mates or is it all a bit serious and competitive? Do you hang out together after races? We don't really hang out, but we're friendly. There's a decent age gap between the two of us, I think she's 30 or 31. We don't really hang out but we're definitely friendly, more so after races than before. We're more focused on ourselves before the race, but afterwards we definitely have a chat.

I read that you weren't that stoked with your run in Rio, when you ran sixth in your heat and didn't make the semis? Yeah.

How do you deal with a disappointing situation like that and stay positive and focused? Honestly, the media said I was a lot more disappointed with Rio than I actually was. They were like, "Oh, she didn't make it through the heats, she must

be so disappointed..." Honestly, for me, just getting on that start line was a really big deal. Being able to cross the finish line, call myself an Olympian, be able to represent my country on the highest stage; for me that was really a big deal just to be there. I think that, all things going well, I probably would have wanted to and would have done quite a lot better, but I was injured in my preparation leading up to it. I did the best that I could, and some days it just doesn't work for you. I guess that's how I deal with it - knowing that it wasn't my best performance I put forward because of other circumstances. We look at what went wrong, how to fix it, and then how we prepare for next year.

Focus on solutions... Yeah, exactly.

What was the injury? I'm not actually sure what the final diagnosis was. I wasn't really thinking too much about it, but a big medical team that we take away with us was looking after me. I actually went into camp uninjured, and within a couple of days of being over with the Australian team we had a camp leading up to the games in Miami, I did a session and my whole body just flared up. I was having problems with my SIJ joint in my back, and then I had nerve pain all the way down my leg. I just couldn't find a solution. I was on the physio table between one and three hours every day, so I just had to try and get through it.

How long is it between the flight over there and when you actually compete? It really depends on the competition. For Rio, we had a camp for two weeks, I think it was in Florida, and then we flew to Rio and I think we were there for maybe five days or so before I actually competed.

What would you say are your career highlights? I think one of my career highlights would definitely be 2010 - the first international comp I ran at where I came second at the Youth Olympics. I think also when I ran the 12.82, which was the National Championships in 2015, I think that was a big highlight

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for me. Probably also in 2015, I came third at the World University Games. That was where I ran my qualifying time for the Olympics.

The World University Games is a pre-qualifier to the Olympics?

It's not strictly a pre-qualifier, but there's a time period where you can run the qualifying time in, and that was the first race, it was early on during that qualification period, and I ran it there.

I went to the Uni Games in Wagga Wagga once... Yeah, it's a little bit different to that. It's not like an Eastern Uni Games, or Australian Uni Games. It's the actual World Uni Games, it's a proper elite competition, without all the social activities.

It would have been an elite trading week for the Wagga pubs. What would you be doing if you weren't Australia's best hurdler? I'm not Australia's best hurdler.

That was a pretty cool experience, my first time travelling by myself. It was a 32-hour flight over to Tanzania, I jumped on the plane and I was thinking, "What am I doing?!"

Sorry, I'm just reading what I wrote down... Oh okay, all right. I honestly don't know. Where I am now is not where I thought I'd be.

Five years ago, if I looked at where I am now, I didn't think I'd be in this position, I didn't think I'd still be competing in athletics. I'm not really sure what I'd be doing. I probably would have graduated uni by now, which would be nice. I'd probably be stuck in some boring job. I think life's panned out pretty well for me, I get to travel the world doing what I love.

You love travelling? I'm not actually that big on travelling, I used to hate it. I like it a lot more than I used to but I definitely don't think

48 The Beast | April 2018

I appreciate travelling as much as other people do. I go overseas pretty much every year and people are like, "You're so lucky, you get to fly around and go places," and I'm like, "Yeah, I get to live in a suitcase three months of the year." I get to see some pretty incredible places, if I've got some friends around me and stuff it's really good. It's only really when you're travelling by yourself that it gets a little lonely.

look at it is I know that I'm clean, and I do everything to make sure that there's nothing in my system that shouldn't be there. I just have to hope that everyone's doing the same, but you can't control what other people are doing. All you can do is do what you do, try and be as fast as you can, and don't think about what other people are doing.

If you think about that, you're going to do your head in.

Can you speak another language or anything like that? Nothing, no.

How often do you get tested? It depends. During the season they generally test you a lot more than out of season. Then I was actually put on ‘athlete whereabouts’ last year, as a lot of athletes are, so I'm still on that. That means I have to supply ASADA with an-hour-a-day where it gives me a location where I'll be, and then they can rock up. If I'm not there then that counts as a missed test. If you get three of them within 12 months you get banned for two years. It's pretty stiff, but I think it's the way that it has to be.

They can rock up at any time, they come up to competitions, they can come to your house - you've got to give them your current address and all that sort of stuff, and they can show up whenever they want and you have to be drug tested. In Australia, it's a pretty good system.

Who's the biggest legend you've ever trained with? Who's the character of the Aussie squad? Oh God, it's so hard to pinpoint. There are so many people in the Australian team that I love and get on with so well. There's so many people my age group that are coming through now and making all these teams. There's just a really big group of us that get on really well. We just go over and have a ball.

Are there any dickheads that you don't like? Of course.

Who are they? There's a lot of egos in athletics.

You can mention them if you like?

No, I'm good thanks.

Drugs in sport; is it rife and people are just naĂŻve as to how common it is? Have you ever come across it in your time in athletics, or been offered anything? I'm pretty fortunate that I've never really had anything to do with drugs in sport.

I've never witnessed anything or been exposed to any of that, but I'm pretty sheltered in the training environment that I'm in. The coach that I'm with now, I'm his only athlete, so he only trains me. Prior to that I was with my last coach for 13 years, and he was the coach I had from my little athletics club. He wasn't really so much in the world of athletics. I don't know if that's one of the reasons why I've been so sheltered from that whole situation, but you do hear lots of stories - there's lots of rumours going around - but you don't know how many of them are true. The way I

Are there any Russians that aren't drug cheats? I don't know. I don't actually know any Russians personally, but I'm not sure about that.

Are you interested in politics? Are you passionate about any particular issues? I'm actually not that interested in politics to be honest.

No, I really don't.

In 2012 you spent several months in Tanzania in an orphanage doing volunteer work; can you tell us a bit more about that? Yeah, I finished school in 2011, decided to take a gap year in 2012. The first half of the year I was training and then travelling. I went over to the World Junior Championships, which is where the viral video came from.

Then after that I decided I would go to volunteer. It's something I'd always wanted to do. That was a pretty cool experience, my first

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time travelling by myself. It was a 32-hour flight over to Tanzania, I jumped on the plane and I was thinking, "What am I doing?!"

How old were you? I was 19.

You went to Africa by yourself when you were only 19? Yep, I went with a volunteering organisation. They met me when I got there, but all the travel and stuff was by myself.

I was living in a big house with volunteers, it really just depended on how many people were there as to how many people stayed there, but it would sleep up to 30-35 people at a time. In the first bedroom I was staying in there was 12 beds and one bathroom. It was very eye-opening, just seeing how everyone over there lived, it was an amazing experience. Sometimes it was really hard, other times it was really rewarding. I absolutely loved it, I miss it a lot.

I've been to Tanzania... Oh, really?

Yes, where were you staying? I was just outside of Arusha.

Did you climb Mount Kilimanjaro?

I just did the base camp, because climbing all the way up takes a little while.

My mum climbed Mount Kilimanjaro... Really? Wow, that's pretty cool.

I looked at it, but I didn't climb it.

Do you support any other charities?

Yeah, over the years I've supported quite a few. There's nothing that I continually do year after year, but I do love doing charitable work.

Often, when charities approach me, I'll do what I can for them.

The Commonwealth Games are kicking off at the Gold Coast on April 4th; can you give us a little sneak preview of what to expect there? A lot of sport I would say!

A lot of people don't know the Commonwealth Games are on... Really?

I don't think many of my friends would be that aware of it... I haven't seen too much advertising for it on television to be honest, which is

50 The Beast | April 2018

surprising because Australians love the Commonwealth Games. We actually do well!

I live under a rock... I think it might just be because you live under a rock then. I think most people know the Commonwealth Games is on, especially if you go to the Gold Coast, it's everywhere up there.

Maybe Sydney's just shunning it?

Maybe.

We hear all the stories about the athlete's village at the Olympics, how loose and fun it is; is there an athlete's village at the Commonwealth Games as well? Yeah, there is. Yeah.

Is it as mad as all the stories would lead you to believe? Towards the last couple of days, yeah it is. It's pretty crazy.

I think the best advice I could give them is just to have fun and enjoy your sport. I think that's really all I did. That's the reason I'm still in the sport, just because I love it.

If your event isn't until late in the schedule, are you bumming? If you're on right at the start, you can just hang out at the village and go nuts, right? Yeah, pretty much.

Some people finish on day one of the games, and then they've got a couple of weeks to just muck-up and have some fun.

When will you be running? We're in the second week.

Can you tell us any stories about stuff there, or would you rather stay ‘hush hush’? Probably not, no. I haven't gotten up to too much mischief, but I've got a few friends that have. There's nothing too bad that goes on, just letting loose and stuff.

A lot of athletes haven't drunk for the past year in preparation for the games, then they go and have a few drinks, so it hits them pretty hard.

What advice would you give to aspiring young kids trying to follow in your footsteps and make it as a professional athlete? I think the best advice I could give them is just to have fun and enjoy your sport.

That's really all I did. That's the reason I'm still in the sport, just because I love it. I always go and have a good time. When athletes are younger, especially with pushy parents, sometimes they get a little bit too invested. They might be eight years old and they're talking about going to the next Olympics. I think they need to settle down, understand that you're just a kid; you don't need to be training too hard too young, because you'll burn yourself out.

Just enjoy it and have some fun, then do the serious stuff later.

Your parents weren't pushy? No, not at all. My whole family's very supportive. When I go overseas to compete they all come out - mum, dad, sister, grandma and grandpa, uncle, aunt... They all come over to watch me, and they'll come everywhere. My grandparents used to come to my school carnivals, that's how supportive they are.

They didn't smack you if you ran a shit race? No,they were never pushy about it. Every time I ran they were like, "Just go and have some fun." I think that really helped me, knowing that they were always there and always on my side.

Blistex is sponsoring the Commonwealth Games; are they a personal sponsor of yours as well? They're the official lip balm supplier of the Commonwealth Games, and I'm also an ambassador for Blistex in the lead-up to the Commonwealth Games. With the Commonwealth Games, they had a really good competition they were running, where you could buy any Blistex product, keep the receipt, then go online and register for the chance to win a trip for two to the Commonwealth Games with flights, accommodation and tickets to the event, but it's just closed.

Ah, bugger! Yeah, it was a really good competition. Everyone wants to come out and watch the games!

Every year we rise before the sun to gather together and honour the Australians andNew Zealanders who served and died in wars, conflicts and peacekeeping operations.

As the ranks of our veterans continue to diminish with the passage of time, theimportance of commemorating those who paid the ultimate sacrifice for theircountry grows stronger. Let us remember that the freedom and the rights we takefor granted today are privileges that have been hard won by the Australians whose lives have been lost through war, and the countless others who fought by their side.

Council and the RSL sub-branches of Coogee, Randwick and Clovelly will again host an Anzac Dawn Service at Dunningham Reserve, Coogee at 5.30am on 25 April. The sunrise service will include speeches, hymns and wreath laying and a number of local cafes in Coogee will open early for breakfast.

I encourage everyone to get involved with the ANZAC commemorative events in honour of the legacy, courage and sacrifice of all our fallen heroes. Lest we forget.

If you’re travelling over the Easter period please stay safe and take your time on the roads. I hope you can take some time to enjoy the break with family and friends.

Councillor Lindsay Shurey Mayor of Randwick 4 April Library After Dark, Tabletop Games (16+ Event) 6:00-8:00pm Margaret Martin Library, Randwick

16-20 and 23-27 April Vacation Care 7:30am-6:00pm Des Renford Leisure Centre Cnr robey Street and Jersey Road, Maroubra

7 April

9 April

Saturday Storytime (0-5 Years) 10:30-11:00am Malabar Library at Matraville

21 April

Free CPR and First Aid (0-8 Years) 10:00am-12:00pm Margaret Martin Library, Randwick

25 April

Bike Maintenance Workshop 1:30-4:30pm Randwick Community Centre 27 Munda Street, Randwick

1300 722 542 council@randwick.nsw.gov.au www.randwick.nsw.gov.au PHOTO: ANZAC DAY - COOGEE BEACH

Anzac Day Dawn Service 5:30am Dunningham Reserve, Coogee Beach

I'm going to go and buy some on the way home. What's Blistex actually for? Cold sores? Yes, they have a range of lip balms and creams for cold sores. It's to protect your lips. They've actually got a new product...

It's not just a cold sore cream? No, it's not. They've just released a new product, Ultra SPF 50+, which I'm sure you must know. Do you surf ?

Yeah, professionally... Yeah, so your lips get burnt when you're out on the water for so long?

My big lips get fried, my wetsuit can't protect them... Yeah, exactly.

The Ultra SPF 50+ is great because you get sunscreen all over your face and your body, but then your lips get sunburnt. I love to have it in my training bag when I go out to training, chuck it on and then your lips don't get sunburnt. You don't have to worry about cracked lips.

I just like to go through life putting my best foot forward, and then whatever happens I'm open to it and I'm ready to take it on. No real big plans, just going to see where life takes me.

Your other sporting interest is handball? When I was in school I played European Handball.

Not the one that you play on the concrete at Clovelly Beach? I played it in the school yard, but not competitively, no.

Clovelly Beach is the best handball court... Really?

Big, perfect squares right by the water. If the tennis ball goes in the water, whoever lost that game has to go in and get it... Oh yeah.

Are you working on any other side projects; writing a book, making a movie, anything like that? Not at the moment. I'm just focused on

52 The Beast | April 2018

uni and also just training, looking after all that. So no, there are no other side projects at the moment.

I forgot to mention the dance! You did forget it. I thought you said it was in there.

Do you have any tattoos? No, I don't have any tattoos. No.

It was, I must have accidentally deleted it. No, here it is. This must be the first interview ever that it hasn't been mentioned! You became an internet sensation as the 'dancing hurdler' after footage of your pre-race warm up dancing was captured at a 100 metres hurdles heat at the 2012 Junior World Championships in Barcelona and went viral; how did this routine come about, and how does it help your performance? It's a little routine I do before I compete. I actually started in 2009. I used to get pretty nervous before I raced, and I had a big championships with the National Championships. I'd had a really big week, I had four events over the weekend. My last event was a 100 metre final, and I was feeling really flat and tired, I couldn't really get moving. My coach said, "There's nothing I can do for you, you've got to figure it out for yourself." I'm like, thanks coach. I went out onto the track and they were playing some music over the speakers, as they often do between races. I just started jumping around, doing this silly thing. Having a good time.

Then I went out there, medalled and ran a PB. It was the first time I medalled in the 100 metres in Nationals. I'd felt really bad but I still ran really well, so I thought that maybe what I'd done at the start had helped. I started using that a bit more in other competitions and realised that it just helped me get really relaxed and also pumped up for the race. It's just something I started carrying into all my races, especially the bigger races.

Who would you say are your role models? I wouldn't really say that I have any role models. There are a lot of people that I've just met through friends, family, other athletes and stuff. I think there's always little bits of them that I look up to and that I admire, but no one that I would say is a really standout role model.

I Googled your name while I was doing my last minute research and the autocomplete came up with 'Michelle Jenneke boyfriend', which led me to www.whosdatedwho.com, which said, "According to our records, Michelle Jenneke is possibly single." Is this true? The reason it says that is because I never comment on my relationship status.

You never comment on your relationship status? No, I'll keep that private.

No worries. The next question was going to be, "Are you on the hunt/ can you tell us more about this lucky guy?" It really says, "Are you on the hunt?"

Possibly... Yes. Would you ever relocate overseas to train? I don't think that I would, no, not long-term anyway. I love Australia too much.

I've been to many places around the world and there's nowhere I've ever loved as much as Australia. No one's got the beaches like we do, no one's got the people like we do, I love home too much.

In an ideal world, what does the future hold for Michelle Jenneke?

I'm honestly not too sure. I'm not someone who plans too far ahead.

I think that if you do that you close yourself off to opportunities that may come up. I just like to go through life putting my best foot forward, and then whatever happens I'm open to it and I'm ready to take it on. No real big plans, just going to see where life takes me.

You still do it now? Yeah, I still do it. The bigger the race the more I do. If it's really hot I'm not doing too much because you burn too much energy. I even do it in training if I've got a rep coming up that I want to run really fast.

Thanks Michelle! Yeah, no worries.

And good luck at the games...

Thank you, thanks very much, now that you know that they're on!

MAYOR‘S MESSAGE Cleaning up the mess of dockless bike We are hearing your concerns, and at the last Council meeting I announced a stricter approach to dockless bikes. While we support share bikes in principle, dockless bike operators need to be better corporate citizens. They need to respect our streets, parks and beach areas.

So, Council has warned dockless bike operators that they have to clean up their act or Council staff will impound bikes causing public disruption. The collection and redistribution of bikes must be a priority for the operators.

Equally, I ask residents to not vandalise these bikes.

It would be beneficial for all of us if the dockless bike businesses contributed to getting people around Waverley in a positive and environmentally friendly way.

If you have complaints about dockless bikes contact the companies directly. For contact details, see waverley.nsw.gov.au/bikeshare.

Bondi Pavilion – DA withdrawn Following last month’s Council meeting, we are withdrawing the previously submitted development application for the Pavilion project, and begin the process of preparing a new, community friendly, refurbishment plan.

The Stakeholder Committee has worked very hard over several months reviewing plans, and doing site visits, to come up with recommendations that will establish the future Bondi Pavilion as a recognised Community Cultural Centre. These recommendations will inform a revised architect’s brief.

In the interim, we will be working on some much needed upkeep and maintenance works on the Pavilion, including renovating the public toilets, repairing and repainting windows and doorframes, and replanting planter boxes.

John Wakefield, Mayor of Waverley CUSTOMER SERVICE CENTRE 55 Spring Street, Bondi Junction NSW 2022 PO Box 9, Bondi Junction NSW 1355 PHONE 9083 8000 WEB waverley.nsw.gov.au

Events Youth Week in Waverley Unity in Diversity 13–23 April Various locations We’ve got loads going on in Waverley for Youth Week NSW including Bondi Blitz, an all ages, drug and alcohol-free music event, Let’s Go Surfing Grom Surfing Lessons down at Bondi, a walking tour with Aboriginal elder Walangari Karntawarra and live art installation ‘Tender Young Creatures’.

Free events. Find out more at waverley.nsw.gov.au/ youthweek.

Autumn School Holiday Program 15–29 April Various locations Our egg-cellent school holiday program will have your kids cracking up this Easter!

There’s dozens of free and affordable activities to choose from. From sports and computing to dance and ukulele lessons, there’s something for everyone!

To see the full program and to book visit waverley.nsw.gov. au/holidayprograms.

For more event info visit our website waverley.nsw.gov.au.

Connect with us:

Or a snake out of the outhouse!

All manner of beasties inhabit the wilderness, and they are not shy about saying hello. It’s very exciting.

CHOOSE A SPOT WITH A VIEW When you are deep in the middle of nowhere it’s important to still feel connected to the rest of the planet. A long vista of rolling hills is a beautiful thing, plus if you can see the sky you’ll understand the weather. More vitally, you’ll have advanced warning if a bush fire is heading your way.

MEET SOME COUNTRY FOLK The only place you can be truly alone is the city. People in the country are really friendly. This could be because they haven’t spoken to anyone new in a year, but they will go out of their way to be nice to you. You’ll even find mechanics who can actually fix cars and don’t just suck their teeth whilst eyeing up the thickness of your wallet. This kindness can be very unnerving though, and you may suspect people are trying to induct you into a cult.

"Time to hit the road!"

THE UNRELIABLE GUIDE TO...

TAKING A HOLIDAY IN THE BUSH food. Even if Deliveroo extended that far, the lad’s scooter would never have made it.

Despite that, it was wonderful.

If you fancy having a go yourself, The Unreliable Guide has some tips and tricks to make sure you get the best of the bush...

...OR JUST AVOID EVERYONE COMPLETELY The Unreliable Guide lives in a unit so we have the pleasure of hearing our neighbours both farting and fornicating, but out in the bush we had no neighbours at all, for miles and miles - no one! This blew our minds. No leaf-blowers, no 4.00am backpacker karaoke, no screaming kids, no barking dogs... nothing. The only thing that might disturb you is the techno drone of a million cicadas. Bliss.

BE PREPARED TO EXCHANGE NIGHTLIFE FOR WILDLIFE In the bush, the birds wake you before dawn, so by sunset you’ll be rubbing your eyes and thinking about your pillow. That’s okay, because there’s nowhere to go at night. Don’t worry that you’ll find this boring - who needs to pop a pill and go clubbing when you can make your heart race chasing a giant spider around the bedroom?

Finally, the next time you find yourself being elbowed out of the way by a yummy mummy in an overrated cafe because her howling toddler’s need for a babycino is way more important than your espresso, consider booking a bush holiday. In the meantime, The Unreliable Guide advises the purchase of some city survival essentials: elbow pads and a set of noise cancelling headphones.

Words Nat Shepherd Picture George W Bush

T

his is not a euphemism for an un-waxed downstairs pash, but rather having a vacation away from it all. We tend to spend our holidays at the beach, on the snow or, if we’re being cultural, in some European capital, but The Unreliable Guide recently left all that behind and spent six weeks on 80 acres of forest in the hills.

We were an hour’s drive from the nearest town. We had no phone signal, no television and minimal wifi. It was amazing, but the bush is not for the fainthearted. We were on high alert for bushfires, power cuts were frequent and the water tank almost ran dry. When the rain came it almost washed away our gravel road, and we ran perilously low on

54 The Beast | April 2018

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In the last year we’ve hosted a film night for 200 locals, coordinated numerous beach clean-ups and raised awareness at school fairs and markets. There’s some great activity already underway at a number of businesses (eliminating straws, for example), as well as Bronte Public School.

What is ‘The Ex-Strawdinary Initiative’? The Ex-Strawdinary Initiative is our current campaign.

We are aiming at having every café down at Bronte Beach make pledges, form an alliance and agree not to buy or use plastic straws.

In doing so, they will be making a positive and permanent change for our natural environment.

Sip, not suck.

MAKING WAVES TO CUT POLLUTION PLASTIC FREE BRONTE Interview Leslie Mallinson, Waverley Council’s Sustainable Communities

L

et’s face it, single use plastic and litter is screwing up our coastline, and the problem is not going away fast. At Clean Up Australia Day a few weeks ago, plastic litter once again accounted for most of the rubbish in our waterways. Sadness.

On the ground, passionate community groups of volunteers, like new-kid-on-the-block Plastic Free Bronte, are working in collaboration with Council to tackle this issue head-on. We caught up with them to discuss how they are making plastic-free living second nature...

Who is Plastic Free Bronte? We are a small community-based group of passionate volunteers formed in 2016 seeking to greatly reduce plastic pollution and make Bronte

56 The Beast | April 2018

free of single-use plastic by 2020.

We want to protect, restore and maintain our beautiful, pristine natural environment for everyone to enjoy.

What type of projects do you work on? To achieve our mission we need everyone living, visiting and working in Bronte to be on board.

We want to educate people on the impacts of plastic to encourage positive change in their actions.

To begin with, we’re working with local businesses to reduce single-use plastic items and identify alternatives. We are also raising awareness within the community so people stop asking for single-use items such as straws, cups, plastic bags, water bottles or containers, and encouraging people to bring their own reusable items.

Why did Plastic Free Bronte decide on straws as a priority item? Plastic straws are one of the top polluters found on our beaches, oceans and waterways. They are also too small to be recycled. Straws stood out as the simplest thing for us to tackle first because we simply don’t need them, and it is a tangible and achievable goal for us. There are simple alternatives if people really want a straw, such as good paper straws or reusable straw options made from stainless steel and bamboo). Behaviour change takes time but we believe that people can sip, not suck.

How can people get involved?

Come to our next community event at Bronte Surf Life Saving Club on Thursday, March 22 at 7.15pm to learn what we’ve been up to, meet the team, have a chat and also hear from guest speaker Andy Marks on driving impact through the ABC’s War on Waste.

They can also sign-up as a member at plasticfreebronte.org and follow-us on social media to keep up to date with what’s happening.

Waverley Council will be rolling out a targeted program in Bronte to reduce litter and plastic packaging later this year. For more information, please sign up at www.secondnature.org.au.

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APRIL 2018 TIDE CHART Numbers Bureau of Meteorology Tidal Centre Picture Katrina Murphy Instagram @plazasuite1 MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

•

30 0227 0827 1425 2047

0.41 1.58 0.46 1.80

2 0327 0934 1538 2155

0.36 1.65 0.40 1.73

3 0412 1016 1613 2233

0.41 1.54 0.48 1.70

4 0456 1058 1645 2311

0.47 1.44 0.56 1.65

9 0235 0934 1542 2114

1.45 0.66 1.21 0.82

10 0345 1034 1645 2222

1.46 0.62 1.27 0.78

11 0445 1124 1735 2319

1.50 0.57 1.35 0.70

16 0212 0819 1428 2043

0.40 1.68 0.36 1.79

•

17 0256 0903 1505 2124

0.36 1.65 0.38 1.84

18 0344 0950 1545 2208

0.34 1.60 0.42 1.86

23 0152 0850 1501 2038

1.70 0.48 1.33 0.71

•

24 0305 0956 1612 2154

1.67 0.46 1.39 0.68

25 0415 1055 1711 2301

1.68 0.43 1.48 0.61

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

• New Moon • First Quarter • Full Moon • Last Quarter

Coogee's burnt bushland.

5 0542 1140 1720 2350

SUNDAY

1 0241 0851 1502 2115

0.34 1.74 0.33 1.73

•

6 0631 0.60 1226 1.26 1800 0.72

7 0035 0726 1320 1851

1.53 0.65 1.21 0.78

8 0130 0829 1428 1958

1.48 0.67 1.18 0.82

12 0534 1.56 1205 0.51 1815 1.44

13 0006 0617 1243 1852

0.62 1.61 0.45 1.53

14 0048 0658 1317 1928

0.54 1.65 0.40 1.62

15 0130 0738 1351 2004

0.46 1.68 0.37 1.71

19 0434 1041 1630 2255

20 0530 1135 1718 2346

0.39 1.44 0.56 1.80

21 0630 0.43 1235 1.37 1815 0.64

22 0045 0739 1345 1921

1.75 0.47 1.32 0.70

27 0001 0609 1230 1847

0.53 1.70 0.38 1.67

28 0054 0658 1312 1930

29 0142 0744 1349 2009

0.43 1.64 0.41 1.78

0.54 1.34 0.65 1.59

0.35 1.53 0.48 1.85

26 0515 1.70 1145 0.40 1801 1.58

0.47 1.68 0.39 1.74

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Mike and his Samson fish, a close relative of the yellowtail kingfish.

PREPARATION, ANTICIPATION AND DAYDREAMS Words and Picture Dan Trotter

W

hat an absolute cracker of a month we’ve just experienced. The start of autumn, fish everywhere, warm water and the final days of daylight saving gave us all the chance to jam more into every day.

April, although darker after work, is shaping up to be a stunner too. The Sea Surface Temperature charts are almost unbelievable, with the East Australia Current so strong that the entire New South Wales coast will be embraced by 20-plus degrees of oceanic currents from way up north in the Coral Sea. The Northern Rivers area is enjoying 28 degree cobalt currents, the likes of which I have never witnessed before, meaning that every Sydney fisherman who has the means to tow a boat north and spend a few days fishing wide should definitely do so. A veritable bounty of tropical sportsfish await; wahoo, mahi mahi, Spanish mackerel, cobia, yellowfin and northern bluefin tuna are all species that 60 The Beast | April 2018

would have hitched a ride on the East Australia Current and will be eating their way south.

By the time this magazine hits the streets, that’s just what myself and a bunch of mates will be doing - prioritising passion over work, and our obsession with fishing over everything else. Just writing this has my mind racing ahead, running through the dawns and dusks, and I can’t wait.

The fishing off Sydney in April should continue to be epic. Big kings will be all over the inshore reefs and coastline, the annual run of solid tailor should also make their way north, and the mulloway in the estuaries will be on fire with all of the bait that this season provides.

Offshore, the warm currents will continue to provide a mixing pot of opportunities. If you’re prioritising fishing over everything else this month, your focus needs to be razor sharp and all about timing and targeting. Many a great day on the water has been derailed

by failing to keep these two key elements front of mind.

With the shorter days, one of the upsides is that you don’t have to get up so early or stay out so late to fish the change of light, and if you’re going to take your fishing seriously, you’ll have to hit one of these. Dawn and dusk - the twilight hours - are when much of the magic happens, so be on your toes and plan ahead; know which fish you’re going to fish for and where you’re going to fish. Have your tackle all rigged and at the ready, and know where you’re going to catch your fresh bait or which lures you’re going to use.

Add in an hour at the beginning of your fishing day for all the things that make you run late, then get out there and enjoy the magic as it happens. Remember, fishing is about the preparation, anticipation and daydreams just as much as it’s about the catching. If you’re on the water with your mates as the sun rises or sets - well, you’ve already won!

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The universal capital of vacuous bullshit.

HAPPY COLONIAL COMMONWEALTH GAMES! Words Alasdair McClintock Picture Christopher Skase

A

h, the Commonwealth Games. This may come as a surprise, but I absolutely love them. More so than the Olympics.

Sure, they’re the result of a dark and murderous history, but we win lots of stuff, so I dig them - even if the other half of that ‘we’ doesn’t know I exist and would likely summon security if I ever approached them in a bar.

Make no mistake, I know they are meaningless, but that’s part of the appeal. It’s all the joy without the anxiety and, perhaps perfectly, this time they are being held on the Gold Coast.

The Gold Coast is the universal capital of vacuous bullshit. Some might argue that Los Angeles lays claim to that title, but at least LA has a handful of discernibly talented people. The Gold Coast has nothing, apart from a (selfproclaimed) reputation for stunning bikini babes and great waves.

Look a bit closer though and those ‘babes’ are more plastic than flesh

62 The Beast | April 2018

and those waves are overcrowded and full of (self-proclaimed) “semipro” wankers.

These Games could be the best thing that ever happened to the GC. They may not have organised enough trains to get people to the events, but that’s fine, we don’t expect them to do a good job. It would be a happy surprise if they did. Even then, they won’t get much credit for it. You don’t get celebrated for doing what you’re supposed to do.

Assuming no stadiums collapse, the Games will largely be judged by the Australian public on how many gold medals we win and whether or not we beat the English. I acknowledge nationalism is a dangerous thing - it’s a coin toss between it and religion for most deaths caused - but all bets are off when it comes to beating the English. After all, it was their evil tyranny that kicked the whole thing off in the first place and, in fairness, the English don’t even

like the English - it is, in fact, their one redeemable trait.

Mild bigotry and the dangers of nationalism aside, winning is addictive, and I enjoy watching Australians win. It’s a happy little rush of adrenaline that the common man, such as myself, doesn’t get too often. It’s why the Commonwealth Games are such a pleasure to watch and so many people are bandwagon supporters (see: Sydney Swans) or play the pokies. This way, at least, you’re not feeding your children’s school fees into a greedy machine.

You don’t get the free Minties, but your teeth and your children will thank you in the long run.

Then there is of course the sheer marvel of watching elite human beings doing crazy things. Because no matter what we all say, those folks out there on the track, in the pool and even the ping-pong table, probably do care about winning a Commonwealth Games gold medal. Which is good, because I doubt they’d ever be able to sell it.

Catherine Hickson

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Truth bomb: stress is caused by caring too much.

LIVING ON THE EDGE Words Jeremy Ireland, Psychotherapist Picture Anne Ziety

Y

ou crawl into bed at 11.30pm, knowing your alarm is set for 5.30am. You lie there, staring at the ceiling thinking, “Go to sleep!”

By 3.30am you’ve already woken up. You're not sure why so you go to the bathroom, then you go back to bed again thinking, “ I’ve got to get back to sleep,” but you can’t.

Eventually you hear the birds and notice the morning light filtering in through the blinds, and then you hear it - the garbage truck coming down your street.

You spring to attention and sprint down the hall, tripping over your stupid cat. Eventually you’re outside, swearing all the way.

With your bin now out on the street, you can relax for a second, and then you smell it: not the garbage truck, the dog crap you just stepped in. While searching for something to scrape the turd off your foot, you look up to see the garbage truck driving off in the other direction. Your bin is still full, you missed it.

You find yourself aimlessly making coffee. You’re annoyed, frustrated and tired. You slump into the lounge, spilling your coffee in the process, and try to work out what the hell just happened.

Into the car and off to work, you’re already running late. While 64 The Beast | April 2018

you’re stuck in traffic you notice that you forgot to put deodorant on. The fuse has been lit and it’s a short one, you feel like you’re about to explode.

Sound familiar? If this scenario is a metaphor for your life, it’s probably fair to say you’re flying the stress banner nice and high.

There are many different forms of stress, and different people respond to stress in different ways.

Perhaps the simplest way to understand stress is by examining the Demand-Control Model. Here, we look at the various demands placed on a person, both physically and psychologically, and look at the amount of control they have over the outcomes within that situation. Put simply, if demand on someone is high and they have low control over the situation, then stress levels go up.

So, how much control does our friend have in the situation described above? Let’s look at other forms of stress to give this some perspective. Firstly, not all forms of stress are bad. If you find yourself stuck in a rip at Tamarama and feel you’re being sucked out to sea, it would be fair to say you’re in a stressful situation. The adrenaline will kick in, your fight or flight response will hit all-time highs and,

with super human strength, you’ll manage to drag yourself up onto the reef, exhausted but safe.

There’s also the type of stress that you might feel before an event, such as competing in a race, giving a speech or meeting your in-laws for the first time. In these instances the stress is leaning more towards nervousness and excitement, which may actually help you perform better - well, maybe not for the in-laws.

There are many personal, situational, and even biological factors that contribute to stress. The big three causes of stress in Australia, according to a country-wide survey back in 2013, were finances, family and health. With this in mind, it’s fair to say the DemandControl Model is what most people would relate to when they think of day-to-day stress. This type of stress is unpleasant, and a lot of the time you don’t really know why you feel stressed, you just do - you feel taxed and unable to cope. This feeling of depletion and exhaustion can have negative effects on your health and can result in anxiety and even depression if it’s not dealt with properly.

On the surface, our poor friend may just be feeling the hassles of everyday life. But if left unchecked, he might find himself in the vortex of something deeper, with the consequences having a direct impact on both his physical and mental health. His immune system could suffer, along with a decline in physical appearance, fatigue, headaches, changes in weight and eating habits, and loss of libido, among others. His emotional symptoms may include apathy, frustration and sadness.

How people cope with stress is the key to feeling better. Whether it be problem-focused coping or emotion-focused coping, by appraising the situation and being proactive, one can make efforts to remove or modify the onset of a stressful event. If you’re burnt out and feel like you’re running on empty, you should talk to someone, ideally your GP, counsellor or mental health professional.

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April 2018 | The Beast 65

“Oh, by the way, there's a cluster on my old mate.”

BABY BOOMERS AND SAFE SEX Words Matty Silver, Sex Therapist Picture Hugh Manpapilloma

W

ith more Australians living longer and healthier lives, and divorce rates on the rise, many will find new sexual partners later in life. Some of those who have been in long, monogamous relationships are now looking for more casual sexual encounters before they commit themselves again.

The availability of drugs like Viagra has given many men, who had given up any hope of being sexual again, new opportunities.

Also, looking for love online has become extremely popular these days. It used to be a secret, but these days nobody minds admitting to it. Online dating is not only for the young, many baby boomers are also turning to the internet to find romance as they find themselves single again.

Women who are now at a different stage in their life are quite happy being single for a while. The children may have left home and it is now time for them to have some fun. However, a long period of sexual monogamy has left them illinformed about safe-sex practice.

66 The Beast | April 2018

Most women were on the pill and never, ever used a condom, and they missed out on the safe sex messages that were promoted in the 1980s.

Education campaigns about safe sex are generally aimed at young people, and there is still an element of ageist stereotyping in our community that makes it difficult for some to believe older people still have sex. But the latest figures from the National Notifiable Diseases Surveillance System show that STIs, such as chlamydia and gonorrhoea, have risen, particularly among older age groups. The safe sex message seems to have missed the baby boomer generation.

Some years ago, Family Planning NSW and the dating site RSVP launched a safe-sex awareness campaign for older Australians called the ‘Little Black Dress’.

The message was all about communication and the importance of being upfront when talking about safe sex with a new partner.

People should have an honest

discussion with a new partner about using a condom, before being swept away in the heat of the moment. They may not have been very sexually active themselves but their new partners may have been.

Over recent years I have spoken to an increasing number of men and women who needed advice on how to start a new relationship after the break-up of their marriages or long-term relationships. I was shocked how many of them had never considered safe sex; they still believed that a condom was only needed to prevent pregnancies.

Nothing is more embarrassing for a baby boomer, after having had sex with several new partners, than being told by a GP that he or she has an STI. The best rule to follow is ‘no condom, no sex’ until both partners are tested.

It can be difficult to negotiate the use of a condom with a new partner, but he or she may be concerned about the same thing.

Discussing the topic could be a great icebreaker while you still have your clothes on.

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April 2018 | The Beast 67

THE GHAN EXPEDITION: ONE OF THE WORLD’S GREAT TRAIN JOURNEYS Words and Pictures The Bondi Travel Bug

T

he Ghan train journey through central Australia is said to be one of the top 10 railway adventures in the world. It is also, we realise on arrival at Darwin train station, one of the most surreal. After all, how often do you get to board a train that’s more than twice as long as the height of the Empire State Building?

Standing on the platform, we can’t see the end or the beginning of what is, at 902 metres, the longest passenger train in the world.

With its distinctive camel logo and red and silver colour scheme, the 38-carriage train is a veritable 5-star resort on wheels.

We’re about to take the threenight, four-day Ghan Expedition from Darwin to Adelaide - 2,979km all up - with stops at Katherine Gorge, Alice Springs and Coober Pedy.

After initial formalities are completed we make our way to the Outback Explorer Bar to sample some of the beverages. It’s the perfect environment to meet some of the other 300 guests as the train begins rolling south.

It’s the beginning of an epic journey that will showcase the extraordinary colours and vistas of Australia’s spectacular landscape.

But first... lunch, which is taken in the Queen Adelaide Restaurant.

The food is five-star delicious, all served with a selection of fine wines that continued to flow until they rolled us off at the end of the journey in Adelaide.

Not long after lunch the real Ghan adventure begins with the first of our daily tours to the Nitmiluk National Park Gorge in Katherine.

Our boat tour of the gorge starts in brilliant sunshine. First impressions are mesmerizing as we cruise quietly through the towering ochre sandstone cliffs.

The tranquility, though, is momentarily cast aside as we

68 The Beast | April 2018

sight our first Katherine Gorge freshwater crocodile sunning itself on the bank. He’s not as big as his saltwater cousins, but nonetheless this is as close as I ever want to get to this 3.5-metre beast, with its hideous snout and multiple rows of intimidating teeth.

Our guide gives us a quick yet comprehensive talk on the indigenous history of the gorge, as well as that of the Jawoyn people, who are the custodians of the park.

The next day we arrive in Alice Springs where you get to choose between four excursions included in the price, but we decide to take a tour that isn’t included in the package - a once-in-a-lifetime flight over Uluru (Ayers Rock) and Kata Tjuta (the Olgas) via the MacDonnell Ranges and Pine Gap in an eight-seat plane.

I’ve never seen Uluru or Kata Tjuta, so to fly over and see them close up is an exhilarating experience. Everything we see this day will be etched into my memory and memory stick - forever.

A thousand photos later and we’re landing. Soon we’re having lunch with Uluru as our backdrop before an afternoon walk to the Mutitjulu Waterhole. Close by we observe some ancient rock art before we continue our walking tour.

After our walk we drive part of the 9.4 kilometre circumference, astonished at the size of Uluru, and learn more about the spiritual and sacred parts of the rock.

We’re then driven to the airport for our flight back to the Ghan, where we quickly freshen up before being bussed to the historical Alice Springs Telegraph Station for dinner under the stars.

After dinner we’re entertained by an astronomy expert who points out the galaxy to us in a sky that is extraordinarily clear, before a band begins to play and we’re all up dancing in the red earth aisles.

The following morning our tour

for the day takes us to one of the world’s largest producers of opals, Coober Pedy. Part of the town looks like a train wreck and there’s a very strange grass and tree-free golf course with sand-oiled greens.

All around the outskirts of town there are hundreds of thousands of mounds of soil left over from open cut mines. The obscure terrain surrounding Coober Pedy has featured in multiple movies where alien planets and devastated armageddon landscapes were required.

We sit down for lunch in an unused underground mine, then visit an opal museum and get shown techniques on how the rare and exquisite gemstones are mined.

Outside of town we get to see part of the 5,300km dog fence and, to top off an already extraordinary day, we are driven to the spectacular Breakaway Reserve, where the rock formations and colours are out of this world. The Ghan staff have set up an outside bar overlooking some of the most beautiful and striking Australian outback vistas. We grab a drink and relax.

Upon returning to the train, drinks and hors d'oeuvres await us among soothing campfires under the starry sky. This journey has exceeded all expectations tenfold. We savour once more the new friends we have made and reminisce about the last few days aboard one of the world’s greatest train adventures.

Great Southern Rail www.greatsouthernrail.com.au Where to stay Hilton Darwin www.darwin.hilton.com (08) 8982 0000 Hilton Adelaide www.adelaide.hilton.com (08) 8217 2000 How to get there Vicky Gilden at Rose Bay Travel (02) 9371 8166

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VANCE JOY Nation of Two Label Atlantic Records Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  We all know what Vance Joy does. Music for middleaged women and teenage girls, basically. Some of you will roll your eyes and pretend that you don’t like it, but you do. I know you do. You know you do. Why are you lying to yourself ? And more importantly, why are you lying to me? Sometimes all you need to get you through a crappy morning is an album full of charming acoustic love songs that are easy to sing along to.

This album has already gotten me through two. So, thank you, Vance. If that even is your real name?

(It’s not).

CITY CALM DOWN Echoes in Blue Label I OH YOU Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating 

FILM REVIEW TITLE That’s Not My Dog! GENRE Comedy REVIEWER Linda Heller-Salvador There’s nothing like a good dose of dopamine every now and then to help you through life, and what better way to get it than a night of hanging out with friends drinking, eating and sharing jokes!

Co-writers Shane Jacobson (Kenny, Dressmaker), Robert Mond (The Subjects) and Dean Murphy (Strange Bedfellows) thought it would be a good idea to invite some friends over for a good old Aussie bush barbie. As it turns out, said friends just happen to be 30 of Australia’s funniest comedians whose only requirement is to bring three of their best jokes. Adding to the night’s jovial ambience is live music by Dan Kelly, The Black Sorrows, The Meltdown, Russell Morris and Adam Brand.

From cheesy one-liner dad jokes to elaborate and fanciful stories told by the likes of Fiona O’Loughlin, Jimeoin, Tim Ferguson, Paul Hogan and Lehmo, to name but a few, there will certainly be something for everyone to giggle, snicker and laugh out loud at - I certainly did!

With a very limited cinema release from March 15-18, you will have to be quick to see this on a big screen, but fear not: it will be available on DVD from May 9.

72 The Beast | April 2018

It’s always a good sign when you pound an album into submission within a week of first hearing it. There has been an Interpol sized hole in my heart for a while now and I’m sure these blokes are tired of being compared to them (and Joy Division), but the similarities are undeniable. If anything, they are to be embraced.

Give this more than one listen - which, I know, is hard these days given all the time you have to spend reading memes and looking at Snapchat - and I guarantee* you will be hooked. *guarantee rendered invalid as soon as you’ve finished reading this sentence.

BLACK PANTHER Soundtrack Label Interscope Records Reviewer Alasdair McClintock Rating  There was almost as much build up for this album as there was for the movie itself. I’m yet to see the movie, but I certainly hope it has a bit more KAPOW than the album. I expected great things. Instead, I got pretty good things. Which, if I hadn’t been so amped, would have been perfectly fine, but now I feel a little bit let down. Such is the nature of print media that you all will have probably listened to the album long before reading this, but if you haven’t, just temper your expectations and you might enjoy it a whole lot more.

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April 2018 | The Beast 75

Quick, easy, high-quality health food, brought to you with a smile.

HIP-HOP POKÉ HITS BONDI Words Siriol Dafydd Insta @sirioldafyddwriter Picture Will Mappem

W

hen I was told that Dining Dave was off on holidays and I was needed to do a restaurant review, I thought, “Awesome free food!” It wasn’t until after I’d committed that I learned that said food was raw fish. As someone who tried and hated sushi aged 20 and repeatedly forced herself to try and eat salmon to the point of vomiting, this was not good news. At that moment, I was Ron Burgundy jumping into the bear cage, immediately regretting my decision.

Despite my reservations, I grabbed a fish-hungry friend and totted off to KingFish Poké in the hope that my unrefined pallet had matured over the last ten years.

Ever-committed to my job, I was ready to try everything and had already begun formulating a plan to chuck up discretely if necessary.

Luckily for me, this lovely little gem hidden on Bondi Junction’s Spring Street has a number of options for the non-fish inclined.

In fact, one of its most appealing qualities - aside from the hip-hop, gangsta decor - is the wide variety of choices available. They have a number of set dishes, all named in line with a rapper theme, which give you a choice of salmon, tuna, kingfish, chicken, boiled eggs or 76 The Beast | April 2018

tofu. So, whether you’re vegetarian, pescatarian, vegan, carnivorous or just little bit particular, chances are they will have something just right for you. And if all else fails, you can build your own bowl, which offered so many mouth-watering options it gave me a headache just thinking about it.

I went for the ‘Kendrick’, a delicious mix of tamari-poached chicken, carrot, edamame, pea tendrils, rice vinegar cucumbers, seaweed crackers and the house ponzu. For my ‘baseline’ - once again following the hip-hop theme - I chose zucchini noodles.

I was not disappointed. Fresh and flavoursome, it was the perfect light and healthy meal. Despite not understanding what half the ingredients were, I enjoyed every mouthful and made the involuntary good-food-groans to go with it. The combination of textures was well designed and the ponzu accompanied the concoction perfectly, adding a citrusy finish.

My friend built his own bowl consisting of salmon, snow peas, carrots, beetroot, chilli puffed rice, cucumber, shiitake mushrooms, zucchini noodles and roasted sesame miso. He too was delighted at the result. We both opted for

a Smalls bowl, as opposed to a Biggie, which was sufficient in size, but in hindsight - a wonderful thing - we both felt that opting for a ‘baseline’ of rice might have been wiser, given that we were off to the pub immediately afterwards!

KingFish Poké haven’t reinvented the wheel here, but what they do, they do well. It’s like most other salad bars or poke places where you can see the ingredients laid out in front of you and they mix it all together to your particular taste. Unlike many other places however, the food is wonderfully fresh and the staff are super friendly and helpful. You can eat in to enjoy the cool, hip-hop diner vibe or you can take your meal to go. It’s simple but effective.

Opened in September last year by the same crew who own the legendary Ruby’s Diner, KingFish Poké is extremely health-focused we are in the Eastern Suburbs after all. Their sauces are all gluten-free and the staff are more than happy to mix things up to suit your dietary needs. Even the drinks they stock are healthy. I tried the Living Lemon Soda by Healthy Humans and it was delicious.

Once you know of its existence, the location is actually very convenient. Directly opposite the entrance to Eastgate Shopping Centre in Bondi Junction, it’s perfect for a quick dinner-grab on your way home from work, even better for fuelling up before a Coles or Kmart mission.

All in all, I’d highly recommend this place. It’s quick, easy, highquality health food, brought to you with a smile. What more can you ask for in life?

KingFish Poké www.kingfishpoke.com.au Address 74 Spring Street, Bondi Junction Instagram @kingfishpoke Open Mon-Sun: 11.30am9.00pm Prices Smalls: $13.90; Biggies: $16.90 Cards Accepted Yes Licensed No

Guaranteed to please any tummy.

SWEET POTATO CHIPS WITH ZUCCHINI BABA GANOUSH AND SPICED YOGHURT Recipe and Picture Jacqueline Alwill

I

thought about healthier chocolate and Anzac biscuits this month, but sweet potato wedges are a way to my heart and I’ve no doubt the way to some of yours too, particularly as the cooler months of the year arrive.

I’ve pimped these wedges up with two nourishing extras - zucchini baba ganoush and a spiced yoghurt. It’s a simple and delicious recipe, loaded with nutrition from immune-boosting garlic, protein from tahini and yoghurt, and vitamins, minerals and fibre from the zucchini - a sure-fire way to make any tummy completely happy and well nourished too, and it’s totally gluten and sugar-free.

INGREDIENTS 600g sweet potato, cut into 1cm chips 2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil Baba Ganoush 3 medium zucchini (approx 400g) 4 large garlic cloves 2 teaspoons tahini

½ teaspoon lemon zest 1 tablespoon lemon juice 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil Chilli Yoghurt ½ cup yoghurt (120g) ½ bunch coriander, stems and leaves finely chopped 1 tablespoon lemon juice ½ tablespoon extra virgin olive oil ¼ teaspoon chilli flakes, or more if desired METHOD 1. Preheat oven to 180°C and line a large baking tray with greaseproof paper; 2. Toss the sweet potato chips in olive oil and sea salt, and roast for 55 minutes; 3. Cut zucchini in half lengthways, arrange zucchini and garlic cloves (skin on) on a roasting try with 1 tablespoon of olive oil, and roast for 1 hour; 4. Remove from oven and blend all of the baba ganoush ingredients with a pinch of sea salt for 2 minutes in a food processor;

5. Make yoghurt dip simply by mixing all yoghurt ingredients in a small bowl; 6. Arrange dips and sweet potato chips on a platter and serve.

This delicious recipe was provided by local nutritionist and author of Seasons to Share, Jacqueline Alwill.

For whole food catering, nutrition workshops and recipes, visit www.thebrownpaperbag.com.au.

April 2018 | The Beast 77

Everyone loves a bit of muff.

SAVOURY PALEO MUFFINS Recipe and Picture Catherine Noonan

T

hese savoury paleo muffins are packed with healthy ingredients, including sweet potato, which provides healthy carbohydrates and dietary fibre, together with eggs, which are rich in protein and essential fatty acids.

They have a subtle saltiness from the nitrate-free ham, which can be interchanged with sautéed bacon or leftover cooked meat (i.e. roast chicken or lamb). If you prefer a vegetarian version, just add half a grated zucchini. The options are endless and you can ultimately use whatever leftovers you desire.

This recipe is perfect for meals that need to be eaten on the run.

They refrigerate well, so prep a batch on the weekend to get you through the week ahead. They also go well in children’s lunch boxes.

You can enjoy them on their own or make them into more of a sit-down meal with a side salad.

And it doesn't matter if you're at home or out for a picnic, these sturdy little guys will travel just about anywhere. Just remember to keep them chilled and enjoy!

78 The Beast | April 2018

There’s one important thing to be aware of when cooking with eggs: it’s very sticky stuff once cooked. Therefore, even if you have a non-stick muffin tray, you must line each muffin hole with baking paper to prevent sticking.

TOOLS • Mixing bowl • Vegetable grater • 12-hole muffin tray INGREDIENTS • 12 eggs • 400g white or yellow sweet potato, grated • 60g nitrate-free ham, finely chopped • 1 medium onion, finely diced • 1 tablespoon parsley, chopped • ½ cup coconut flour • 1 teaspoon aluminium-free bicarb soda METHOD 1. Preheat a fan-forced oven to 160°C; 2. Line the holes of a muffin tray with baking paper (I cut one large

sheet into multiple squares and use one paper per muffin hole); 3. Beat the eggs in a mixing bowl and set aside; 4. After grating the sweet potato, squeeze handfuls at a time over the sink to remove any excess moisture, before adding to the egg; 5. Sauté the onion in a frying pan with oil until soft and transparent, then add to the egg mixture, along with the rest of the ingredients and mix to combine with a fork; 6. Divide the mixture into the lined muffin holes and bake for 35 minutes until golden; 7. Allow to cool before serving and keep in an airtight container in the refrigerator.

Cath Noonan is a self-confessed health-foodie, recipe creator, and nutrition student, as well as the founder of healthy food blog, I Heart Scratch. Check out the delicious food pics on her Instagram account, @i_heart_scratch, and find more recipes by visiting www.iheartscratch.com.au.

Vince & Marco Cirillo pruning their 1850 Grenache vines.

THINKING OUTSIDE THE BARREL: ALTERNATIVE RED GRAPES Words and Picture Alex Russell Twitter @ozwineguy

C

ontinuing on from last month's article about alternative white grape varieties, we now move on to the reds...

GRENACHE Okay, so it’s not exactly that leftfield, but many people know very little about Grenache. It can be made in some very different styles, from wines with really bright fruit flavours to more savoury wines, from wines that are dense purple to far more translucent, lighter styles. If you like Shiraz, try this.

Some of my favourite producers are Cirillo (his 1850s Grenache is one of my favourite wines), Head wines, d’Arenberg (they make quite a few of them) and many, many others. Barossa and McLaren Vale in general make great and very different wines from this grape.

TEMPRANILLO You’ve probably noticed this around by now, but it’s really been picking up over the last decade or so. Very popular in Spain and Portugal, wines from this grape are both low acid and low tannin, so they’re particularly approachable and go well with many types of

food. It’s grown in a wide variety of regions in Australia.

It really is a good wine and you can have it with just about anything. Meat dishes go particularly well, especially dried meats and cheese. Pop this with tapas or an antipasto plate and don’t look back.

There are some cracking examples available for some very reasonable prices. Check out the Little Wine Company (Hunter), you can order from their website.

Actually, try a mixed six-pack with their Gris, Gewurz, Vementino, Sangiovese and Barbera for $166 delivered - bargain.

TOURIGA NACIONAL Touriga is another grape that goes well in the heat - something that winemakers are considering with climate change. This is one of Portugal’s favourite grapes, mostly as a grape that is blended for port, but table wines fare well too. It blends well with Cabernet Sauvignon (and Franc). The wines tend to be dark and high in tannin, meaning you want to give it time if possible, or have it with a big juicy steak.

For a cracking Aussie example, check out First Drop wines. Their McLaren Vale Touriga ($25)

is awesome value, and the rest of their wines are brilliant too.

It’s worth putting together half a dozen or a dozen bottles from the First Drop website - they don’t make bad wine there.

NEBBIOLO For some, this is the king of red wine grapes. Famous in Northern Italy for its key role in the great wines of Barolo and Barbaresco, the flavour profile doesn’t sound that appealing (tar and tobacco, but also cherries, rose and violets), but do try it. They’re light in colour at first, then develop an almost orange tint with age.

There are quite a few producers making it in Australia now. A personal favourite is Luke Lambert Wines - jump online and order.

There are many others: Montepulciano, Nero d’Avola, Zinfandel, Durif, Lagrein, Aglianico, Saperavi and so many more. To help you find Australian producers and other options, check out the Australian Alternative Varieties Wine Show website and explore the results. There are some really cracking wines in there. Go on, step outside of your comfort zone!

April 2018 | The Beast 79

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ACROSS 1. Unsure; hesitant (12) 6. Purpose (9) 9. French expression translating to ‘already seen’, ... vu (4) 11. Quoted as saying (2,6) 12. Synonym for iceberg (4) 13. Idle (8) 14. Dr Frankenstein’s assistant (4) 15. Approximately 91cm (4) 16. A person who rears sheep (8) 18. Sodium chloride (4) 19. City of popular United States sports teams Falcons and Hawks (7)

DOWN 1. Hostility (9) 2. Former member of the band Genesis (5,7) 3. Worn on the head (3) 4. Loose granular substance that Anakin Skywalker didn’t like very much (4) 5. At risk of extinction (10) 7. Pleasantry (6) 8. Showing disrespect (10) 10. Opposite of deciduous tree (9) 16. Opposite of junior (abbrev.)

(2) 17. Sometimes at the end of letters to denote extra information (1,1)

TRIVIAL TRIVIA Words Cameron Anderson Picture Mark Hunter Instagram @bondihunter 1. Who has hosted Saturday Night Live the most times?

2. Tied with Lisa McCune, who has won the most Best Actress Logie Awards?

3. Which country has won the most football World Cups?

The North Bondi Classic.

80 The Beast | April 2018

4. What is an apiarist?

5. How many Melbourne Cups did Phar Lap win?

6. Who won the most recent Australian of the Year award?

7. What are the 5 alcoholic ingredients of a long island ice tea?

8. How many times did comedian Richard Pryor get married?

9. Where are the three vertices of the Bermuda Triangle?

10. What do Shane Warne, David Beckham, and Michael Jordan all share in common?

GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21 Indecisiveness is generally a character flaw, but your poor judgment makes it more like a useful defence mechanism against dumb choices.

SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22 If any of your friends don’t get their kids vaccinated, take matters into your own hands by sourcing the vaccine and jabbing them yourself.

CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22 Holding in a turd that wants to come out will only make your farts rotten and damage your insides.

Find the nearest dunny, set it free.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21 When you can recognise a person purely by the appearance of their genitals, you know it’s time to cut back on your porn consumption.

LEO JUL 23-AUG 22 Stop trying to impress your new friends, invest more time in your old ones - they already know you’re a loser but they still accept you.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20 Every time someone does you a ‘favour’, they record it on their personal balance sheet as a receivable, so don’t accept too many favours.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 20 When you’re offered an amazing opportunity, but you couldn't be arsed doing anything about it, just let it slide and it will come back later.

VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23 Let the poor bastard answer your first question before you ask them five more. If you’re not interested in the answer, don’t ask the question.

AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19 At any given point in time, you have the power to remove all of the stress in your life by making a conscious decision to not give a shit.

TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21 You’re fully aware of your need for a change of scenery but you never do anything about it, which is why you’ll always be a miserable prick.

LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23 What sort of idiot would forgo consumption now to invest, when you can buy now, enjoy now, and pay later? Saving is for losers.

PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20 Why are your nipples so sensitive?

It could be hormonal, it could even be a virus, but I really wouldn’t know, because I’m not a doctor.

STAR SIGNS Words Beardy from Hell

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1. Alec Baldwin 2. Asher Keddie (5 times) 3. Brazil (5 times) 4. A beekeeper 5. 1 (in 1930) 6. Michelle Simmons (Quantum Physicist) 7. Vodka, tequila, rum, triple sec and gin 8. 7 9. Miami, Puerto Rico and Bermuda 10. They all wore the jersey number 23 1

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BUILD-A-BEAR Bunny Breakfast WORKSHOP Saturday 31 March 2018 Breakfast Build-a-Bear Workshop Face Painting Goody Bag$8.00 each | Pre-book tickets Tickets Visit from the Easter Bunny! Â RoyalRandwick.com.au Purchase your ticket now at royalrandwick.com.au

MON 16 - FRI 20 APRIL 9:30AM, 10:30AM & 11:30AM at

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