Avion Avioff Spring 2022

Humpty Diddle Airplane Skool Sprong 2022 Avioff

The Avioff is a satirical publication that is not meant to be taken seriously. All photos and edits in this issue are false.

If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, PLEASE DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer!

to the phoenix, cry about it

#TeamWheels or #TeamDoors The Great Internet Divide On March 5, the world was struck with yet another great internet divide. If you remember #TheDress or #YannyVsLaurel, then you’re old you probably know of the #WheelsVsDoors debate. It all started when a Tweeder user polled his followers and asked whether they thought there were more doors or wheels in the world. That’s about it.

ings, there would be so many office chairs that the doors wouldn’t stand a chance!

Other arguments included toy car factories (for wheels), hotels (for doors), and shipping containers (for doors).

The reality is that there still isn’t a clear ground on what is being considered a door A few hours and what, after the a wheel. poll went Users relive, Tweedmarked er erupted that doors in a grand s h o u l d ole debate only count since the as somepoll ended thing you with a 53% can walk wheel vote through, exand 47% cluding cabdoor vote inet doors, - a statistic for examtoo close to ple. On the flip side, some users want to count steering call. wheels, bearings found in pull-out drawers, conveyer The conversation had only just begun. Both sides of the belts, and more to make sure no wheel is left behind. debate took to Rick-Rock and Binstergram and dashed This is getting confusing, I know. out their arguments, just like Diddle students dash out hot sauce on their beloved chicken and rice. Team Doors Until we get some basis to the argument, this debate may argued that on cruise ships, there would be more doors remain unsettled. So, the question of the week is, which than wheels. Team Wheels professed that in office build- side are you on?

DO YOU GOT THE HURT LIKE THIS GUY? Sucks to suck Call your mom or something

No-Response Team

BUX Corner

Mighty, Beefy, and Bad News are students in the Blazingly Underwhelming X-Men (BUX) Lab in the Department of Squishy Meatbags Studies. BUX investigates how the hell things work in this world.

Rumbling, metallic screeching, and deafening cheers are expected to be heard from underneath campus in the coming weeks as five ferocious fighting machines duke it out in the underground Robot Fight Club arena.

Who are these fighting machines? The very same autonomous food service robots you see roaming around campus. While their day jobs are to deliver meals while playing chicken with pedestrians and boarders on Legacy Walk, these robots moonlight as belligerent battle bots who aim to be crowned the Robot Fight Club Champion.

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Each robot relies on special abilities and equipment during a single, unlimited time round. Fighters can inch closer to victory by immobilizing their opponents or maneuvering them into the spiky Pit of Doom located in the center of the arena. The last mobile robot standing in the arena wins.

Photo Courtesy / Embry Riddle News

Let’s meet the fighters: Flower Power is best described as cute, but deadly.

It is easy to overlook Flower Power as a serious competitor because its psychedelically decorated exterior elicits notions of peace and nonviolence. But, it is equipped with a razor-sharp, armor-piercing unicorn horn that poses a major threat to its competitors’ defenses. Fans should also keep an eye out for Flower Power’s signature move - the ability to blind other fighters by enveloping them in a hazy cloud of pollen and fragrance. This cloud will be bottled and available for purchase at the merchandise stands following the fight.

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Kyle can be aggressive but quite easy to stun, just like a shark that has been rotated 90 degrees by a diver. Kyle’s special equipment is Bustin Jieber’s teeny-bopper hair because it is highly effective to cringe competitors’ hearts, hurt their eyes, and shrink their toes to the point where they can’t balance themselves and fall on the ground. When competitors are on the ground because of its look, beware, Kyle’s special move becomes activated: hulking out. But because of his big movements, it’s easy to stun him while hulking out.

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Teddy. Yes, you heard that. Teddy.

But do not expect a normal-looking stuffed teddy bear. Keep this secret away from Teddy because it will definitely hurt his feelings, but he rather looks quite horrifying. Not only does he have a bear head attached to a robotic body, but it has Kraken-looking robotic arms attached to it. Do not worry, dear readers, because although he has a scary look, he is a big softie who likes to give big bear hugs to everyone, including his competitors. Just mind his arms…

While you are hugging him, his big red heart in front of him, you will definitely feel warmth and comfort.

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Lucky is just that - lucky. Adorned with four-leaf clovers, this competitor’s special ability is to dodge attacks due to pure happenstance. Lucky is also armed with a retractable iron horseshoe connected to its main body with a lengthy steel cable. Other fighters should take care not to get too close to Lucky, lest they be in striking range as its iron horseshoe can be projected with speeds expected to exceed 77 MPH. Competitors should also avoid becoming ensnared in the steel cable, as doing so may result in them being dragged into the Pit of Doom.

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Mastermind is by far the smartest robot. Mastermind may not have many muscles going on, but he is brilliant. I mean, really smart to the point where he can win brain strategy games with a cat. Not only is Mastermind good at setting traps for competitors, but he is also capable of long-distance combat. The most amazing part of Mastermind is his bag of requirements, which he carries like a fanny pack.

Does that sound familiar to you? No? Theoretically, it can put a toilet bowl inside his bag for you just in case of emergency. Well, create a toilet bowl. By the way, his bag of requirements comes in handy during the battle with competitors because he can bring up whatever tool he needs in the middle of combat.

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Now you have the low-down on each competitor. Students, faculty, and staff can place bets for their favorite fighter through ARNIE. Everyone is invited to attend the event of the semester by making their way to the Lebman Dungeons, or by tuning into the live-stream available on all streaming platforms. May the best robot win!

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Humpty Diddle Airplane Skool

Flight Training Checklist

Before Enrolling Bank Account..................................................................................................................................................verify above zero Social Life..........................................................................................................................................................................existent Serotonin Levels.....................................................................................................................................................................high Free Time.................................................................................................................................................................................have Skin...........................................................................................................................................................................................clear Ramen Noodles...............................................................................................................................................eat on occassion Right Leg...........................................................................................................................................................................not sore

CAUTION DO NOT attempt to begin flight training without being aware of the potential risks. Side effects may include: not enough right rudder, making flying references in daily conversations, relying solely on METARs to plan your everyday outings, getting whiplash from checking if you are on centerline, trying to steer a car with your feet, and looking up at the sky any time you hear a loud noise outside.

After Enrolling Aircraft................................................................................................................................................................................pending AVGAS 100LL...........................................................................................................................................................spill on hand Taxi............................................................................................................................................................2 KTS (3 KTS for risk) Electronic Clipboard.............................................................................................................................................verify glitched Right Rudder...........................................................................................................................................................................more Mixture................................................................................................................................................................................full rich Bank Account....................................................................................................................................................................not rich Pen..............................................................................................................................................................................forget in tray Bladder......................................................................................................................................................................................steel Oral Price.........................................................................................................................................guesstimate (round down) Nightly Stress Levels...................................................................................................................................increase after 1700 Flight Bops Building.............................................................................................................................spend too much time in Rev. 22-03

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A blast from the past i h a v e n ’ t l e f t mtaken y h ofrom u s eSpring i n w 2020’s e e k s Avioff

What is your Florida Man Headline?

Inspired by real Florida Man Headlines!

First Letter of your First Name

A. B. C. D. E. F. G. H. I. J. K. L. M. N. O. P. Q. R. S. T. U. V. W. X. Y. Z.

Arrested for Using Taco as ID Bites Police Officer Unleashes Bees onto his Neighbor Does Donuts on Airport Runway Caught Licking Camera Doorbell Points Laser at Helicopter Eats Homemade Drug-Laced Lunchables Throws Toilet through Government Building Window Steals Laxatives he Mistook for Candy Attacked by Pack of Squirrels Electrocuted by Peeing on Electric Fence Urinates on In-Law’s Carpet Tries to Time Travel Attacks ATM with Hatchet Rescued from Vending Machine Starts House Fire Convinced he was Abducted by Aliens Announces Presidential Run Drives Jet Ski on Street Tries to Eat 100 Twinkies Removes Alligator from Backyard Pool Pepper Sprays Himself Leads Security on Golf Course Chase Trapped in Unlocked Closet Butt-dials 911 Douses Self in Sweet Tea

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Your Birth Month

January February March

To Spite Girlfriend During his Family’s Thanksgiving Dinner While Joyriding on ATV

April

After Carjacking Local Retirement Home

May

Because his Ex-Wife Dared him to

June

And Demands Police Order him a Pizza

July

While Holding a Beer

August September

To Ward off Liberals While Avoiding Wrath of Justifiably Angry Wife

October

And Cries Over Stubbed Toe

November

While Dressed as Superhero

December

Before Headbanging on Street During Hurricane

Are you an Engineer or a Vampire?

Do you rarely go out during the day yet never sleep at night?

YES Business

Maybe

NO

Do you often lament the day you sold your soul to an uncaring entity who will just watch as you suffer every day?

Vampire!

YES

Engineer

YES Damn buddy did you try?

NO Can you smile?

NO