Avioff 2012

Marideth C Von Bron wins award

quickmeme.com

The Only Real Contributor Marideth C Von Bron was recently recognized by the Society of Polite And Malevolent for her outstanding work in the field of e-mail spam.

SPAM currently tracks over 15,000 spammers world wide and awarded Von Bron the 2011 SPAM-A-LOT award based off various factors including the receipients per email metric. Von Bron blew away the competition outscoring Prescott Pharmaceuticals, makers of the world famous male enhancement pills featuring a 4” guarantee, by a factor of 266. Each year SPAM invests millions of dollars and four months into counting every email in the sentbox of spammers. This year they discovered Von Bron exceed 39 trillion emails, resulting in over 5 petabytes of data sent across the internet to millions, if not billions, of recipients. We congratulate Von Bron with her recent award and look forward to what new and exciting ways she will disseminate useless information to the student body at ERAU.

[REDACTED]/AVION

VON BRON WORKING IN her office. Unfortunately due to the nature of her work, she must remain elusive in order to avoid harassment by disgruntled students. This photo was captured using a hidden camera we placed in her cubicle. We here at the Avioff support Von Bron and are surprised by the negative response many students have demonstrated.

Opposition rally to QEP on west lawn Consuelo

Sexy Burritttttto Daron Cleaver rallied up students in the West Lawn for Extinguish in opposition of the new QEP program: Ignite.

Extinguish is a program for responsible students to help put out the fire of reckless igniting students. Students in the ignite program overwhelmed by classes, clubs and no social life go through withdraw symptoms and turn into bloodthirsty zombie pyros. The extinguish program teaches several evasive actions to prevent this horrid transformation: destroy, ignore and persist.

“We need to protect ourselves before an apocalypse happens!” states Daron Cleaver.

Symptoms of the Ignite program are (and are not limited to): no sleep, no friends, wearing physics t-shirts and

thinking they are cool, and imagining the school food tastes good.

If you notice any of your friends or colleagues expressing any of these symptoms please refer them to the aeronautical science department to change majors.

WARNING!

The Avioff is a satirical newspaper that is not meant to be taken seriously. All articles, photographs and editorials published in this issue are false and might (probably will) be offensive to readers. If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, please DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer. Happy April Fool’s Day!

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What the? I don’t even...

Avioff, Today

Pre-prog system “Most likely to emotionally damage a student.”

Orville Rightstuff Pilot Wannabe

Embry-Riddle recently received the highly acclaimed award for “Most likely to emotionally damage a student during pre-progs,” from the National Aviation Addiction Society. NAAS gave the award detailing Embry-Riddle as the model system for ensuring students have no idea when they will actually be done with a flight course.

As a flight student nears the end of his or her flight course, they encounter what are known as “pre-progs,” or simulated FAA checkrides where designated instructors can make up any question and expect an answer. Usually, instead of answers, instructors get a blank stare from students followed by, “My instructor didn’t teach me that.”

As the student enters the oral room,

they are most likely tired after studying Federal Aviation Regulations all night. Cross-country in hand, they prepare for their doom. Depending on the instructor, questions may range from an intricate question on how the Attitude Heading Reference system works when it is in a 12 degree bank, in 78 degrees under cloudy skies on Tuesdays, to what the effect a pitot-static blockage has if it occurs over a lake in a 180 horse power engine operating at only 2,329RPMs. After two hours of intense oral testing, the student is finally released in the custody of his or her roommates, which then visibly see the student come back with cuts and bruises acquired from the long hours of intense plotting, thinking, and map folding. Since the student will fail the oral portion of the pre-progs, there is also the flight portion. The flight portion is designed to simulate a flight checkride, where again a desig-

Hang loose and take a run

nated instructor flies with a student and judges them on their ability to complete a short field precision landing with 10 inches of a specified point, and steep turns so coordinated none of the instructor’s coffee is spilled. Either results in a failure as well.

Scheduling for pre-progs takes between 4-6 weeks on average. Since the student will fail preprogs, there is another anticipated period of time officially known as “re-training,” or more commonly among big-headed students, “brushing up for checkrides.” After the student has practiced the maneuvers enough, his instructor then signs him off for the real FAA checkride. Scheduling is better than preprogs, approximately 1-3 weeks. Any experienced student pilot at riddle knows not to book air tickets home until their temporary pilot certificate is in hand.

Coming up at the end of the year it will be a common sight to see cars packed with belongings, and overloaded vans and pick-

ups parked at the flight line. Students will sit standby upwards of 23 hours per day to get their checkrides done. Once successfully complete, you can easily spot a student with a flight bag, yellow packet, and cell phone in hand calling home to announce his new certificate to his parents and simultaneously ask for a $600 ticket out of Daytona that night to go home. Later, commuting students can be spotted at the local Shell gas station filling up with RedBull in anticipation of a 22 hour drive home, non-stop, fueled by the anger of losing their relationship, friends, and having missed the most precious portions of summer vacation because they were completing preprogs and checkrides.

Top 10 ERAU is like high school 10. Most advisors are useless 9. Don’t feel like doing an activity?

Visit the nurse...

8. Student body cares about their SGA

as much as they care about the

speed limit 7. Other universities are better

represented than our own on

campus 6. Longboards are still “cool” 5. Professors take roll 4. The food... need I say more?

EDUARDO GONZALEZ/ATHLETIC RECRUITER

IT IS ERAU’S FIRST annual Naked Mile sponsored by SGA! Whether you walk, jog, or run, show yourself in all its glory for everyone to see! From students, to professors, to campus staff, everyone should participate and make ERAU history! The Naked Mile will start on the West Lawn, head to the flight line, pass through the student village dorms, before heading back to the starting point. There will refreshments and lotion provided at the event. All proceeds will be donated to SGA retirement funds as well as cures for breast cancer. So come out and enjoy everyone admiring your junk and live life to the fullest!

3. That person you hate, he’s in all your

classes 2. Nobody cares about the band 1. Reserved tables in the cafeteria

ME AGAIN...

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New ATP Rule

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Up-In-Yuns

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CLASSIFIEDS UNCLASSIFIED Study Participants needed Looking for female students to participate in study on the different ways of how not to be affected by RIBS. Volunteers will be conducted on proficiency of making sandwiches for men, as well as duration and intensity of whining and bickering scenarios. Participants will be awarded scholarships as well as free Victoria Secret gift cards for bras and panties!

Anti-Riddle Vision Glasses Anti-Riddle Vision glasses needed for desperate friend thinking all girls look like Carmen Electra. Glasses must be in good working order that includes user manual. Will pay with Playboy subscriptions and Doritos.

The Avioff, Today

ERAU receives its first hot girl!

Zombies Mate Male zombie looking for long lasting relationship with female zombie. Likes long limping walks on the beach as well as human brains. Looking for the one to take my breath away (if my lungs worked).

Bribe organization Looking for new members of the ERAU bribe organization.

Students would discuss and execute new potential bribes on professors and school administration for test and homework solutions as well as extra “financial aid” for fellow students. Great addition for resumes and job applications!

Join now!

PHOTO COURTESY IMGUR.COM

AFTER MUCH BRIBING AND convincing, ERAU finally got a hot girl on campus. The campus had to add several extra paramedic teams due to all the heart attacks male students received after seeing Embry-Riddle’s first hot girl.

Humanitarian Aid By Hugh Hefner

OMG A PLANE!

PHOTO COURTESY REALBOLLYWOOD.COM

After many years of sitting back and seeing the horrors of despicable guy-to-girl ratios on ERAU, Hugh Hefner is taking action where SGA and school administration, like FEMA during Katrina, failed to provide immediate solution and aid. The noble Hefner will be visiting campus with his army of playboy bunnies and provide every single male student a complementary subscription to playboy for their immedi-

ate satisfaction while long-term solutions are underway. For longterm process, the righteous Hefner will be providing “having game” classes for those without a clue to pick up girls. Complementary playboy escorts and masseuses with happy endings will be provided for those who sign up. Also the school, in compliance with the playboy genius, will be providing a scholarship for new female students on the basis that they hook

up with a minimum of 2 male students per semester. Bonuses may be awarded for hookups past the minimal requirements as well as those involved with professors and fraternity brothers. With this aid brought by the honorable Hefner, ERAU will be able to move forward from this crisis where every guy has a chance with any girl, as well as cease the ongoing problem of RIBS affecting our small female group.

PHOTO COURTESY THE TELEGRAPH

At Sun N’ Fun last week, SkyVector announced that they will no longer offer their services for free. SkyVector is a tool that enable pilots to plot there route on various aeronautical charts, a precious tool, especially for flight students. Goose Iceman, a soon to be flight instructor, said that he has been using SkyVector since he started flying, he added that he didn’t know how to measure distances and headings on a map and as he won’t be able to afford the $50 monthly fee of SkyVector, he is considering quitting flight training. Another student, Memphis Bell, stated: “I don’t use Skyvector, I just press the Go To button on the GPS.”