SERVING THE UC DAVIS CAMPUS AND COMMUNITY SINCE 1915
BY MADISON SEEMAN meseeman@ucdavis.edu
In an upsetting but unsurprising turn of events, the University of California, Davis has been ranked No.1 in “Most Rizzless Universities” by Forbes’ World University Rankings 2026 for the sixth year in a row.
After conducting an unpaid survey, two paid surveys, a double blind experiment, a Stanford experiment and one very somber symphony, UC Davis has been forced to conclude that Forbes may have a point. Following the announcement, the university-based dating website Date Drop has
deactivated its Davis services, stating: “We really tried our best. Good luck out there lol.” Straight, gay or from the Bay, it seems this Davis lovelessness is blind.
Are we just a part of the greater dating recession? One Wired article suggested that a “fear of being cringe” is the real culprit of Generation Z dating disconnect, but I’m positive that fear has never stopped UC Davis students (who are often, for better or for worse, devotees to the “cringe is dead” mentality). Maybe we can try to blame it on our sad and lonely generation, but look at UC Los Angeles (UCLA): they’re totally studying the birds and the bees over there.
So, what do UC Davis students have to say about this now-annual public humiliation
ritual? When I interviewed students to get to the bottom of what makes UC Davis the top-performer in romantic underperformance, there was a suspicious lack of shock.
“Sounds about right,” fourth-year economics major Noah Game said, upon hearing the news.
Dejected first-year communication major Richard Ryder also spoke on his experience: “I never thought about factoring the dating scene into my college search,” he said. “Now I wish I had.”
The Aggie spoke to more students on the matter, receiving mixed explanations. “It’s gotta be the smell,” Ivan Jerkins, a secondyear science and technology major, said. “The whole cow manure thing — it’s a real turnoff.” This was a fantastic point,
that was somewhat hurt by the fact that he obviously wasn’t wearing deodorant.
Mia Lovelace, a third-year civil engineering major, said, “the only bang we’re getting is Bang Energy. I don’t have time for woo-hooing — I haven’t slept in days.” This sentiment was echoed my many interviewees.
“It’s the incels, the femcels, the Aggies glued to their Excel cells. Nobody wants to go out anymore — the ‘A’ in Aggie stands for abstinence,” firstyear design major Kerrie Dixon — whose first choice was UC Berkeley — said. “Although, I am surprised we’re higher than UC Socially Dead,” she admitted after a pause. Harsh! But we reluctantly struggled to disagree.
In my personal research through the depths of UC Davis Hinge, I found a mess of
149, ISSUE 21 | THURSDAY, APRIL 2, 2026
Students struggle with a depressing dating scene as the university continues rizzless ranking reign
strangely depressing pick-up lines (who opens with the Vietnam War?), games of “who’ll reach out first” chicken (which nobody ever wins) and far too many exes of friends (a little soon to be back on Hinge, don’t you think?). It all feels like an extremely shy game of bumper cars where no one is hitting the gas.
But at least not everyone had something negative to say.
“We are honored to have been featured on this list,” Chancellor Gary May — who still hasn’t learned what “rizz” means — said in an official statement.
In another branch of campus, faculty concerned for what this might mean for UC Davis’ legacy have proposed the implementation of a mandatory “family living” course, just in case Aggies weren’t sure how to “knock boots” or “lock that s*** down.” The proposal was
quietly rejected. So, maybe Forbes says we have no game and maybe the only ones getting any are the squirrels, but Vogue says having a boyfriend is uncool anyway! Maybe UC Davis is really just the UC of friendship and whimsy: Is it really such a crime to love your friends so much that you don’t have the time to go out and hunt for someone you can bump uglies with? In Davis, California?
Or, actually, maybe UC Davis is really just ahead of the curve. Have Aggies found the secret to freeing ourselves from silly things like feelings and intimacy? Is UC Davis just preparing us for the soulless adult dating world of the country at large? Are we just effeciencymaxxing too hard?
Whatever it is, just remember Aggies: even if nobody else ever wants you, at least UC Davis admissions did.
Alcohol found in Segundo Dining Commons apple juice
Students and DC workers described the controversial beverage situation
GRACIELA TIU
features@theaggie.org
Apple juice in the Segundo Dining Commons (DC) has reportedly been found to contain various amounts of alcohol, as students noticed upon returning for spring quarter.
Workers observed changes in student DC habits, with an increase in people choosing to drink apple juice over other beverages and lines for the juice dispenser surpassing even the Mongolian barbecue line. Though most students quickly came to learn about the drink’s alcohol content, workers and staff remained in the dark for quite some time.
“The juice lines were so long every day, and I couldn’t figure out why,” Timothy Shalameat, a Segundo DC worker, said. “At least 10 people a day have been trying to sneak out cups of apple juice, […] but I had never seen anyone even drink apple juice before this quarter.”
Most first-years in the dorms aren’t able to purchase alcohol, given that they tend to be under the legal drinking age. Now, many of them have been taking advantage of the situation and obtaining alcohol during their mealtimes instead of finding alternative means.
“I was going to buy a fake ID, but now, thanks to Segundo DC, I don’t have to!” Chad Sendyski, a first-year economics major, said. “Now I can get lit whenever I want. Super stoked to see Segundo DC providing such important necessities for our underage community here at Davis.”
Students shared varying descriptions of the juice, leading many to believe the recipe changes by the day. Some say the juice tastes similar to spiked cider, with others noting that it tastes twice as strong — one student even described it as a “sour apple Four Loko.” One firstyear explained how the seemingly fluctuating amounts of alcohol in the juice affected her friend.
“My friend was pounding like seven cups of apple juice each day, and he was totally fine,” Sarah Ferda, a first-year biochemistry major, said. “On Tuesday, though, I found him passed out at 9 a.m. in the Bixby first floor lounge. He doesn’t even live in Bixby — I think he’s been coming from Cuarto every day for the juice.”
When asked, Segundo DC workers denied having known anything about the alcohol. However, some workers have been spotted drinking the juice themselves, according to student witnesses.
“Yeah, they definitely knew about the alcohol in the juice,” Sendyski said. “I saw one worker secretly pouring a cup of it into a flask behind the register. I don’t think anyone else noticed, though, since most people were already so drunk from breakfast. I literally saw one girl try to swipe her Yolo Berry rewards card instead of her student ID.”
Due to the potential dangers and massive legal violations surrounding the apple juice, the school has been working fervently to repair the situation and remove it from dispensers. Despite this, students are hoping for similar situations to occur in other dining commons as well.
“I heard a rumor that the Cuarto DC ice cream is next,” Ferda said. “I don’t know who’s responsible or if they’ll continue, but I hope they keep up the good work.”
The school has yet to uncover who the apple juice culprit is, but top administrative officials have noted that they won’t stop until they track them down. Until then, the campus community can only sneak sips of apple juice as they wait for the mystery to be solved.
‘Where
This momentous occasion is set to be recorded in the UC Davis history books BY KATYA OKS campus@theaggie.org
Davis College Republicans also staged an intervention with the newest member.
Tonald Dump, the President of the Davis College Republicans, shared his experience when he first saw Trance at their weekly club meeting.
“Trance came in, and his hairline just seemed so aggressively forward,” Dump said, shuddering at the memory. “The hairline was fully intact! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.”
Dump also told The California Aggie about his first impressions of Trance.
“At first I assumed he was lost or canvassing for Democrats,” Dump said, squinting suspiciously as he looked at Trance. “But then he
The unthinkable has happened. A moment that will be forever recorded in the history of the most unusual and unlikely events in the history of UC Davis clubs. On April 1, the UC Davis Chapter of College Republicans welcomed their first member without a receding hairline. College Republicans — known for their overgrown mullets and for believing the American flag is blue and black — welcomed the most surprising new member: PJ Trance. Trance, a second-year business major with a minor in the fine arts of ragebaitology, was hoping to finally find community within the Davis Republicans.
mentioned ‘low taxes’ and we realized — this might be for real.”
Witnesses reported that an audible silence fell over the classroom the moment Trance stepped into the room. The overhead light did not reflect off the newest member’s lack of visible scalp, making many members uncomfortable.
Erika Berk, a general member, shared her reaction to Trance as she subtly adjusted her “Make America Great Again” cap.
“I mean, frankly, I feel personally attacked,” Berk said. “There’s just so much… hair. What could he possibly be hiding under there? I don’t trust it.”
Trance, in his attempt at finding community, is still
seeking his rightful place within the club.
“You know, at first I thought they would be happy to see me,” Trance said. “I was hoping that my hairline would be a good addition to the club, you know, to show that us Republicans come in all shapes and sizes.”
Dump chuckled at Trance’s comment.
“Did he forget we don’t believe in that diversity stuff?” Dump said in response. “I mean we are quite literally fighting against that. But, yeah, his hairline…”
Dump looked off in the distance, seemingly lost in thought.
“Uh, was there a question?”
In response to this new addition to the club, the Davis
Republicans scrambled to fix this so-called “issue.” Feelawn Gusk, the vice president of the Davis Republicans, shared some of the measures the club has taken as a result. For one, when the Davis College Republicans took pictures for their Instagram, members reported that Trance was asked to stand slightly behind others in group photos for “uniformity.” Or at least to wear something over his “ridiculously filled-out scalp.”
“There’s nothing wrong with ‘it,’” Gusk said, gesturing at Trance’s head. “It’s just, we worry about the optics of it.”
Internal sources confirmed that several members have begun researching stress, genetics and “how fast can his hairline realistically go?” Board members of the
“We sat PJ [Trance] down and had a serious conversation with him,” Gusk said. “We also gave him a list of internships that we’re hoping will cause enough stress to see the hairline start receding. In the meantime, we got him numerous hats that he can wear before that happens.” On their Instagram page, the Davis Republicans reassured their members and alumni about this unprecedented arrival. “Fellow patriots,” the statement began. “Do not fret. This remains to be an isolated incident and does not reflect our values nor our daily routines. Measures are being taken to mitigate the situation.” Trance shared his response to the measures.
“I’ll do whatever it takes,” Trance said, nodding to himself. “I’m ready to truly belong in this chapter of the Davis Republicans.”
CALEB CHEN / AGGIE
DISCLAIMER: The California Aggie’s satire issue is an annual, collaborative effort from our entire staff that highlights humorous, fictionalized articles. The issue, including all articles, graphics and photos, is entirely satirical.
BY VIOLET ZANZOT vmzanzot@ucdavis.edu
In an effort to bolster a more inclusive community in a time of “unprecedented global change,” the University of California, Davis’ Global Learning Hub — responsible for advocating for international scholarship outreach — and the Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies Department — which focuses on relevant issues within intersectional and feminist frameworks — have partnered. Their core focus: advocacy for students to study a broad.
They’ve enhanced their promotion efforts by championing students who have previously studied a broad. The students’ main goal is to demonstrate that everyone has a different motivation when studying a broad, but each of them gains valuable insight regarding the world around them, along with personal growth and self-discovery.
The students spoke about these experiences at an interest meeting.
“Studying a broad changed the way I think. I learned so much about myself. Being from a small town in the south, I never realized how much I had not done or tried,” Lesslie Bean, a third-year art and wildlife biology double major from Mississippi, said.
Even those who said they may not study a broad again were passionate about the experience. Two alumni now living in the Castro district in San Francisco returned to Davis to speak to prospective students interested in the new initiative.
“Even if I only tried it once, I’m glad I did because I learned that it is not for me,” both of the gentlemen said.
One girl from the student advocacy group responded by mentioning that she, too, had tried it once and realized it may not be for her, though she often wished it could have been.
The various responses inspired others in the crowd to
FAFSA shuts down, UC Davis provides Chipotle gift cards as replacement
Students are already fighting over the emergency, burrito-based relief
BY RACHEL TRAN & VINCE BASADA campus@theaggie.org
After the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) shut down abruptly late last month, universities across the country are now working to help students who previously relied on federal assistance. At UC Davis, school administrators have introduced a new, innovative program to provide students Chipotle gift cards as a replacement for federal aid.
The FAFSA was shut down nationwide after a meteor crashed into the United States Department of Education building on March
23, destroying the artificial intelligence (AI) motherboard responsible for determining who in the U.S. has the right to be able to afford college. Schools nationwide have implemented measures like housing vouchers and mass carpooling initiatives, but UC Davis is the only institution providing gift cards for fast-casual Mexican restaurants.
“We want students to be able to still attend school, despite everything going on,” Chancellor Gary May told The California Aggie over dinner.
“Our school wants to help our students by making sure they know they will have access to fresh, somewhat overpriced ethnic cuisine.”
The cards — worth anywhere between $5 and $15,000 — are now available to pick up at stalls near the Egghead statues on campus. Cards are available on a first-come, first-served basis; they are limited to one card per student per day. The amount students receive will depend on the financial bracket they fall into, from “students who had to cancel their Netflix subscription
UC Davis welcomes advocacy for students studying abroad
Global Learning Hub and Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies Department partner
chime in about their experiences. The consensus from many young men seemed to be that they had not yet had the opportunity to study a broad, but they hoped to do so before graduating. There seemed to be a common sentiment that it “turned a boy into a man.”
The university’s growing effort to expand outreach about this program demonstrates an attempt at solving larger social issues on campus. The aim of the program is to solve these social issues by asking students to push themselves, expand their comfort zones and broaden their horizons. For many students, studying a broad has taught them what they like and do not like, which has translated into their lives well beyond the initial study. Studying a broad is guaranteed to change every individual, and as people change, the broader culture of UC Davis will change. This large-scale social impact is just one of the goals the project hopes to achieve. The betterment of individual lives and, in turn, the entire university, through a new framework reflects an effort to break glass ceilings. The words of Chad, president of Sigma Chi Fraternity, encapsulate the potential this program has. “I never knew a broad could be so beautiful, so different from me and so truly valuable. I had no idea. A broad is more than just filled with curves, canyons and valleys.”
“I am really glad that campus is providing this support for students — especially those who need it,” Johnny Persim, a second-year puppeteering major, said. “I know a lot of my friends rely on the financial aid from FAFSA to support themselves and their educational journey. I’m confident that the burden of a four-year education will be more than satisfied by free burrito bowls.”
and now sneak into cinema classes for entertainment” to “students who say they come from ‘comfortable’ upper-middle class backgrounds but drive a Mercedes to class.”
UC Davis signed a partnership contract with Chipotle on March 27, and the university announced that it will hand out gift cards to students while supplies last. Administrators — who are already reporting high demand for the cards — are said to be looking into partnering with Qdoba, El Pollo Loco and Del Taco to expand their aid supply.
Over 72% of UC Davis students rely on FAFSA to pay for their tuition, according to FAFSA data published before the meteor crash killed everyone on the department’s in-house analysis team. On average, those students’ tuition was 49.9% covered by financial aid. With the Chipotle support, that average is now 4.99%.
“I hope this will benefit the student body while we wait for updates from FAFSA,” Deanna Vilven, a sixth-year Wingdings major, said. “We don’t know how long this will last.
“How dare he fail my child!” Mary Tass said. “He literally could have gone to Berkeley. Did you know that?”
The following day, Mary Tass, Sam R. Tass’ mother, arrived on campus, looking to speak to Tass’ professor.
After the incident, some students walked out of the class while others worried about Tass’ well-being. A few hours later, the Memorial Union was bustling with students talking about Tass. Noah Tall, a fourth-year biochemistry major, shared his advice for Tass. “It’s alright, I mean, everyone gets humbled by chemistry,” Tall said. “You just have to figure out what works for you. For me, it was having ChatGPT make me practice exams. For you, it might be switching majors to something more your speed.”
Reactions from classmates ranged from concern to disgust.
“I could have gone to Berkeley, but I chose Davis because I thought I could be at the top of my class,” Tass said. “Even the curve couldn’t save me; I probably should have studied more. I saw a bunch of my classmates walking into a building, and I thought, ‘oh sick it’s that new frat throwing a dager,’ but turns out it was the library. After I realized what it actually was, I left. The ratio was so off.” Fay King, a second-year animal science major, provided comment on Tass’ situation. “We got our midterms back today, and this kid just started crashing out,” King said. “I sat next to him for the whole quarter and he was pretty chill. But we got our midterms back today, and he just screamed. I haven’t heard a scream that loud since last quarter when I helped a goat give birth.”
Tass explained that the class had turned out to be much harder than he had originally thought.
“I was feeling good about this class, you know,” Tass said. “I got an A in AP Chemistry, so I thought this would be a breeze.”
major who was heard screaming, spoke about his reaction to receiving his grade.
Stressed man working on a laptop in office.
(Shutterstock / Creative Commons License)
New ‘Twilight’themed class is ‘Breaking Dawn’ at UC Davis
BY TALAR KESHISHIAN arts@theaggie.org
You better hold on tight, spider monkey, because UC Davis has just introduced a new class for lovers of “The Twilight Saga.” Stephenie Meyer released the first novel from the iconic “Twilight” saga in 2005, which has since transformed the landscape of pop culture forever and spearheaded the rise of young adult (YA) fiction.
“The Twilight Saga’s Global Impact” (ENL 67) delves into every aspect of Meyer’s renowned vampire and werewolf universe. Jane Carlisle, a professor in the English department, explained her motivations behind the creation of the class.
“‘Twilight’ is objectively the greatest series of all time, whether it’s the books or movies. Anyone who disagrees is wrong,” Carlisle said. “I knew I needed to create this class when I realized the English department has a course completely dedicated to ‘Paradise Lost,’ but not one for ‘Twilight.’ It truly shook me to my core.” Carlisle emphasized the significance of the book series in comparison to foundational literary works.
“When it comes to conversations about the greatest books in the literary canon, I can understand when people throw out titles such as ‘The Odyssey’ and ‘Anna Karenina,’” Carlisle said. “However, it’s absurd to me that ‘Twilight’ is not even mentioned in these discussions.
I mean, how can you read quotes like ‘You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?’ and not be moved to tears?”
The class offers a unique opportunity to fulfill General Education requirements, as it counts toward all topical breadth areas. While it heavily involves reading the books, writing essays and watching the movies, there are also opportunities to study the series’ scientific aspects.
“The biology class scene is so integral to the formation of Edward and Bella’s relationship,” Carlisle said. “In order to effectively analyze the scene, we had to spend some time learning about mitosis so we could really understand their conversation.”
ENL 67 was introduced this past winter quarter, during which it reached a record of 250 waitlisted students.
The Office of the University Registrar attempted to mitigate this dilemma by opening more sections, but the waitlist continued to grow.
“I’m a fourth-year with a ton of credits and I barely was able to get into the class,” Arizona Howyu Likintherain, a fourthyear sociology major, said.
“There was a group chat where you could pay someone to drop their spot on the waitlist. I heard one of the offers was in the four figures…it definitely wasn’t me.”
Daisy LaPush, a thirdyear psychology major and a student in the course,discussed how the class integrated creative mediums to study the series.
Business students finally finish reading ‘The Cat in the Hat’
Students in the major at UC Davis have finished their reading requirement
BY SABRINA FIGUEROA sfigueroaavila@ucdavis.edu
On March 20, 2026, business students at UC Davis finally finished reading “The Cat in the Hat” by Dr. Suess. Every year, business majors are tasked with reading a challenging children’s book over the span of the fall and winter quarters. During the spring quarter, business majors are given the full 10 weeks to complete a two-page paper outlining why they believe the stories are important to their field and future careers.
In past years, students have read “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” by Laura Numeroff, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” by Roald Dahl, “The Lorax” by Dr. Seuss and more.
“The hardest part about this [assignment] is that you don’t have a lot of time to complete it,” Willie Makeit, a fourth-year business major, said. “I don’t even know what ‘The Cat in the Hat’ has to do with business. I just don’t know, man, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
Although some students have had a tough time with the requirement, others share the opposite sentiment. Bim Geisel, a third-year business major, and Ben Geisel, a third-year business major — twins with matching blue hair — share that they appreciate the book’s chaos.
“Bim and Ben appreciate good fun that is funny,” they said in unison.
To celebrate the achievements of business
students, UC Davis is throwing a celebration at the end of the year. Inspired by Dr. Seuss himself, the theme will be “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” The event will also end with a showing of “The Cat in the Hat” (2003) movie.
“We are very proud of our business students and we are determined to celebrate this achievement the best that we can,” UC Davis Chancellor Gary May said. “We believe that the theme will be a great way to send off seniors, too. If they can complete this rigorous assignment, they can achieve anything.”
While all seems well on the surface, some students have set out to turn a profit writing these essays for their peers.
“I’ve been through a million classes that teach me multiple economic principles to be a great entrepreneur and businessperson, why would I not use that knowledge?” a business student, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of dismissal, said. “When life gives you lemons, y’know?”
When May was asked about these essay-writing businesses, he assured The California Aggie that all “students who write the [reading assignment’s] essays for their peers will be dismissed if they are found out.”
May asked The Aggie the names of students, but The Aggie does not burn sources.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.
Nearly a year after the latest renovations and upgrades to the front entrance of Peter J. Shields Library, upperclassmen and longtime UC Davis community members continue to mourn the loss of the building’s de facto in-and-out doors. The library, which is best known for holding the cookbook collection of Celebrity Chef Martin Yan, has been in chaos since the installation of new walk-through security scanners led to the mixing of incoming and outgoing foot traffic.
Previously, there were two separate banks of scanners; one on the North side for those entering the library and one on the South side for those exiting. The banks lined up with the library’s two main doors, creating a natural flow and circulation for library patrons. The change has led to collisions and awkward stand-offs between older library patrons who remember and respect the old divided entryway and younger hedonists who refuse to respect tradition.
“I just don’t get what they were trying to do with the entrance,” Sabrina Knauss, a third-year anthropology major, said. “The way things used to be was great. Now, it feels like I’m navigating my way through a meteor field just to check out a copy of ‘Jane Eyre.’”
Others, like Dhiren Kattula, a third-year physics major, said they liked the new sliding doors and the sleek design.
“It’s cleaner,” Kattula said of the entrance. “Bolder. Cooler. That said, before today I hadn’t gone to the library in six quarters so it doesn’t especially matter to me.”
Also gone, the large blocky information desk that had awkwardly divided the entryway and which had been reduced to propping up posters about staying quiet (because somehow it’s still necessary to tell people to shut up about their roommate drama in the quiet zone during midterm season).
But it’s not just library visitors who have expressed dissatisfaction with the new order of things.
Staffers at the library’s Main Circulation Desk, who have witnessed students react to the renovation over the last few months, are said to be livid over the change.
“It’s absolute chaos out [and in] there,” said one library staffer who spoke to The California Aggie on the condition of anonymity. “This is a sacred place: for students to study and for other students to pretend to study. There was a way to how things worked. We’re losing the ancient texts.” Publicly, university administrators and library officials announced that the new entrance is an upgrade, assuring students that any remaining confusion should clear up as those unc enough to remember how things used to be graduate and move on.
Students still mourning loss of in-and-out doors at Shields Library
“Campus is always changing — that’s what makes it so great,” a university spokesperson said. “Sometimes, dealing with change means that you have to awkwardly walk around first-years who don’t understand the old ways and exit from the ‘wrong’ doorway. And when you try to politely move around them, suddenly a smaller, tinier first-year pops out and blocks you so you’re forced to go around them the other way. But by that point another first-year has also appeared and you can’t even make your way through because it’s the 11:50 a.m. to 12:10 p.m. passing period, which everyone knows is the busiest, and then it becomes a whole thing. But yeah, change is good.”
‘We’re losing the ancient texts’
Shields Library’s in-and-out doors join the other now gone campus architectural mainstays destined to be forgotten in the passage of time. They include the Surge II building (upon whose ruins the Teaching and Learning Complex were raised), the true names of SciLec 123 and Chem 194 (now Khaira and Rock Halls, respectively) and the abandoned secret observation deck on top of the water tower.
BY
campus@theaggie.org
SAMUEL CERVANTES / AGGIE
DISCLAIMER: The California Aggie’s satire issue is an annual, collaborative effort from our entire staff that highlights humorous,
America has been unfairly deprived of the cheeky indoor cig
The case to end the ban on smoking indoors
BY ANJALI IYER amiyer@ucdavis.edu
Picture this: you’re hard at work, hunched over a desk on the third floor of Shields Library studying for a midterm worth 25% of your grade. As you scramble to cram weeks of lectures into a single study session, you feel a familiar wave of anxiety — your chest feels tight and your breathing shallows as you come to terms with your fate. The prospect of a jobless future seems more a reality than ever before — wouldn’t it be great to pop a cigarette in your mouth and light it? As the nicotine triggers a blissful headrush, you could puff away the stress, ready to take on any challenge that comes your way. Unfortunately, this isn’t a feasible reality anymore. If you were to light a cigarette in Shields Library today, you’d be met with disapproving scowls, pointed coughs and would probably be ordered to vacate the premises. As antitobacco campaigns made the American public aware of the alleged “negative health impacts” of cigarettes, once-venerated institutions began to issue bans on smoking indoors. These draconian laws were issued by anticigarette propagandists who were most likely resentful of their inability to participate in underage smoking as teenagers. This projection of misery and discontent bred a widespread anti-cigarette vendetta — a concerted and organized effort to deprive the rest of the American public of the natural beauty of the nicotine headrush.
Nowadays, if you desire a cigarette, you have to go through the painstaking process of going
outside and finding a spot away from the disapproving stares of the general public and at least 10 feet from the entrance of the nearest institution. This is an abomination — who could possibly have the capacity to take time out of their busy schedule just to find a place to smoke? Instead, I propose a return to the days of smoking indoors.
An entirely unbiased and groundbreaking 2026 study found that lifting policies on smoking indoors could be the solution to the United States’ mental health crisis. The study, kindly sponsored by Big Tobacco, reveals that the increase in the number of antismoking policies is correlated with increased rates of mental health diagnoses like anxiety and depression. In response to the study, tobacco companies have urged lawmakers to legalize smoking indoors as a way to counteract a growing mental health crisis.
We asked people here in Davis to comment on the proposed changes to antismoking legislation. One man, who preferred to remain anonymous, expressed his support for the legalization of
smoking indoors, mentioning how the habit looked “sick as hell.” Another individual also elected to share their opinion, stating that “It’s been really hot outside: when I wanna smoke I can’t really be bothered to move.”
Some parents even shared how smoking indoors would provide a much needed break from the demands of family life.
One parent said, “If my kid is annoying me, I might blow some smoke on them and it’ll probably go away.” As our world becomes increasingly tumultuous and uncertain, why not implement a simple and much needed solution? Smoking indoors would provide a productive way to counteract daily stressors while looking really cool. So ignore the glares of concerned parents, lame onlookers and annoyed Uber drivers — we all deserve the pleasure of a cheeky indoor cig.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.
I should just put you guys on my ‘close friends’ list
BY GEETIKA MAHAJAN giamahajan@ucdavis.edu
It’s time to admit that the novelty of spring break has kind of worn out, for me at least. I’m a teaching assistant (TA) in the Economics Department, which means that I have, like, two memories that take place outside of the schedules, deadlines and physical perimeter of this campus. For as long as I can remember, spring break has been the home stretch of ‘no man’s land.’
After spending the entire quarter crying RedBull onto my laptop, I can find respite in crying RedBull onto a stack of papers because every student in this course decided to put their own unique spin on graphing marginal cost curves. Now I have to figure out how to give everyone partial credit so they don’t fail and come back again in the fall to haunt me.
I know it’s different for undergrads. You all want to “go spring breakers” because you “only get four” but simultaneously will be “worried about econ final grades” while you’re “in Miami.” Too bad. I still have some midterms from 2024 that need to get graded first, among other things.
In response to your countless unnecessary and unhelpful emails, I’ve prepared a list of excuses. In the future, please refer to the following if you ever get the bizarre urge to contact me again:
My dog ate them. For real. I’m not really in a great place right now. I think it’s hot when the professor gets impatient and demanding.
callous
Timothée Chalamet’s
attitude towards the arts stoked a rage within me that was so sharp and painful that I could barely think about anything else for days.
What? You guys wanted those back? I thought they were like, a gift for me. In my defense, I thought you guys would study harder and get more problems right which would have made things a lot easier on my end. They reorganized Trader Joe’s again and I got lost in there for a few days.
I’m trying to teach you guys about the law of detachment. If you detach hard enough, your final grades will come to you.
I forgor Have you eaten today?
I actually turned your final exams into a plot device. Yeah, they’re kind of like my narrative foil. I have to destroy them now, sorry.
I turned your final exams into a philosophical paradox. Like, I replaced all the paper and staples and sweat marks and tear drops on your tests with identical but new paper and staples and sweat marks and tear drops. So they’re not really “yours” anymore. Or maybe they are. That’s the paradox.
Help, my boyfriend won’t shave his mustache
Dear Aggie,
Recently, my boyfriend and I have been at an impasse. When we started dating, he was clean-shaven, but in the last few months he’s grown out a mustache. I’ve told him I don’t like it — it’s itchy and not well-groomed — but he won’t listen. He says his dream is to win mustache competitions, and that he wants me there supporting him. I know he lacks the discipline to make it in the big leagues. I’ve already tried the old trick of giving him a cleanser with Nair in it, but I forgot he doesn’t wash his face. I’m at my wits end, what else can I do?
— Harried girlfriend
Dear Harried girlfriend, Don’t feel like you’re alone in this. We’ve all been there. Know that now is never the right time to enter further communication with him over something that is important to you. Even more imperative is not to end a relationship over irreconcilable differences, especially when it comes to matters of personal autonomy. I can offer you some easy, simple, tried-and-true solutions from my own experiences to help you in this difficult time.
My first recommendation is to give him a taste of his own medicine. If you can’t grow your own mustache, store bought is fine. Wear it around him at all times, and every time he tries to bring it up, refuse to acknowledge it. If he doesn’t get the hint, start having everyone in his life wear a mustache too. He’ll either get sick of mustaches entirely, or you’ll beat him at his own game.
If that first method doesn’t work, or you’re more one for the theatrics, then I’ve got another suggestion which has never failed. Select your favorite stretch of train tracks in the Davis area and hire a local theatre troop to tie him to the tracks and pretend to be a train coming towards him. Then you can swoop by on horseback and save him, with one caveat — he has to let you shave his mustache before you cut the ropes. While I know it sounds a little dubious, he’ll never be in any actual danger unless you consider grown-up theater kids to be a threat.
Disagreement in a relationship is hard, but action and indirect communication is always the way to win an argument. Remember, the most important part is getting what you want.
Best wishes, Communication Expert
I didn’t feel like releasing more negativity into the world.
I was grading them while my English Ph.D. roommate was watching the new “Wuthering Heights” adaptation and she projectile threw up all over them. But I’ll give you two extracredit points if you can figure out which of these excuses she wrote. I was grading them while my Philosophy Ph.D. roommate listened to a frat boy explain stoicism to her and she projectile threw up all over them. But I’ll give you two extra-credit points if you can figure out which of these excuses she wrote.
“You Need To Calm Down” by Taylor Swift Your degree is useless and artificial intelligence is gonna steal your jobs anyways. Not me, though. My degree is important and a surefire path to financial stability. Your handwriting is illegible. Zelle me $500 if you really want them back that bad. All of you guys used ChatGPT. Or, at least, that’s what I’m gonna tell Student Conduct and Integrity so I can stop grading this s*** and
Emailing me won’t make me grade your finals faster Baseball 2
Baseball already makes no sense: Why not switch it up?
BY SAGE KAMOCSAY skamocsay@ucdavis.edu
I know absolutely nothing about baseball. When I watch a game, I see no rhyme or reason to any of the actions of the players or to the setup of the game itself. Unfortunately for me, I’ve watched quite a bit of baseball — and it’s a bewildering experience every time. This makes me the perfect person to suggest a few minor (major) changes: all of my ideas will be new, unique and untainted by the cynicism of expertise. As (I’m told) they say, my suggestions will be “out of left field.”
First, the position “shortstop” has a name that doesn’t follow the pattern of the other three infielders. Instead of calling this player the “shortstop,” they should be the “half baseman.” After all, the position is halfway between second and third base — and the name “second and a half baseman” is a little wordy. It also keeps the theme of calling the player small: he is short as a shortstop, and half-sized as a half baseman. After all, there is probably no reason to name the position “shortstop” outside of commenting on the player’s height. We also need more outfielders. Just think about how far they have to run out there, and how lonely they are standing so far away from everybody else. To fix these problems, let’s add two outfielders. We can call them “center-rightfielder” and “center-leftfielder.” This way, the outfielders don’t need to run as much and can focus more on making really cool catches for the jumbotrons. They would also probably be within shouting distance of each other, so they can make small talk during the five minutes it takes for the pitcher to hype himself up every time he throws the ball.
Additionally, foul balls should count as strikes on the third strike. This would encourage the batters to actually hit the ball in the right place, and it would add more action to
the game. No longer will there be
10 minutes of foul balls in a row for viewers to trudge through. Instead, we can watch the game without the game being dragged out unnecessarily in the worst way possible.
And now, for my favorite change, we should put pitchers and batters on the same team and put catchers on the opposing team (I have been told this would completely break the game of baseball, but I firmly disagree). In my opinion, this is much more interesting. The catcher would be between the pitcher and batter, with a small net behind him to protect him from rogue baseballs. Now, the pitcher’s goal is to throw the ball in a way that guarantees the best hit, while still avoiding the catcher. In addition to the batter being able to strike out, the pitcher can also strike out if the catcher catches the ball five times in a row. This way, the
pitchers will not have to ruin their arms as much because they will be rotating out more frequently. The audience will also get a better show — when a batter does make contact with the ball, their hits will be much more impressive because the pitcher is trying to give the best throws they can for the batter. There is also the additional excitement of a second player being able to be thrown out. One might ask, why are we changing baseball, exactly? To be honest, mostly for fun. In my humble opinion, my edits would make baseball a much more enjoyable sport to watch, and I don’t know why anyone would dare suggest my ideas “break the game.” We can make the MLB2: Major League Baseball 2. Maybe we can even have Little League 2 — the objectively superior form of the game. Or maybe, I just shouldn’t watch baseball.
NOVA MAI / AGGIE
NOVA MAI / AGGIE
Maybe chivalry is dead
BY GRAY ENGSTROM gengstrom@ucdavis.edu
Proudly serving in the war on periods
Sentence so long she chuffed
BY VIOLET ZANZOT
The process of becoming a life long writer began, for me, in the first grade, at least I think, and I am relatively certain that from there it never really stopped; mostly I know this to be true because I am writing this here, for you, today, and I know that that must count for something; but, this journey took its twists and turns, for eventually, the process of bringing together a couple of words to tell about my weekend became a process of encoding meaning and following rules to produce a sort of world within words and it was the ornateness of the process that I found to be so appealing; nevertheless, I have a qualm with the rigidness, restrictiveness and righteousness of rules (note the lack of oxford comma here — something I battle fiercely, furiously and ferociously, considering I often worship it indignantly, because truth be told it just makes sense — there should, in fact, be a pause between the second to last thing in a list and the last thing and that pause should be
emphasized with a simple mark, to which we, in the writer community refer to as a “comma,” but for journalistic integrity I am simply unable, so says the Associated Press (AP) Gods) and their tendency to ask you to change the way you say things to fit some kind of set, acceptable, noramalized standard (no oxford comma, because thats not the kind of list I am making); at the same time, language is so cute with it’s yours and you’re (an aside: because I can be a little … awful from time to time, if someone really pisses me off over text and simultaneously uses the wrong your/you’re I will correct them and say nothing else, if you’re so inclined… ask me about the last time I did this, you’ll be sure to chortle, chuckle or chuff at least a little), in other words the rules of words and turns of phrase are simply adorable and shape thought in such a cool way, which is precisely why — and this is me finally getting to my point (but it only took me half a sentence to get there, so bear with me) — I do not understand the need for all the other formats (your APs, MLAs, Chiagos and so on) why must they not only be restrictive, but restrict in different ways, “they all serve different purposes that work for certain genres to tell different versions of a certain story,” you
might say, and in response I would say “ha, phooey,” because these citation styles operate to say things like “history papers should have footnotes,” but I think history papers should have poems made up from sketches of people’s notebooks from times of trouble and that they should be written in real people’s chicken scratch, as opposed to Aerial 11 (aerial 11, are you f*eaking kidding me, obviously Times New Roman is the best; although, I think that because I traditionally write in MLA… so maybe I am just as oppressed and just as much of a poser as the next radical who is writing and raving in properly formatted language) the way we are asked to be, and I think that serves to demonstrate it is time for one thing: a war on oppressive literary constraints, a war on the not so humble.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.
How I got the ick in 10 ways
Take the advice from me — a 23-year-old, unemployed, chronically single male
BY NEVAEH KARRAKER nakarraker@ucdavis.edu
She has guy friends: I think this one is pretty self explanatory; the only “guy best friend” in her life should be you, the boyfriend. A girl’s gotta be loyal to her man. To be clear, this rule doesn’t pertain to men since she really is just a friend.
She doesn’t lift weights: A man’s prime was in prehistoric times; in the depths of carnivorous survival and forging our own weapons. Physical health is extremely important, and with the dedication I put into my own well-being — the gym split, the supplements and the dog-bowl diet — I expect my woman to take it equally seriously. Being a caveman is sick. And it’s embarrassing when the girl is bigger than you — but I’m not fatphobic.
She likes matcha or any of those crappy Starbucks drinks: Hot take: if a girl purchases those overly sweet, expensive drinks on a daily basis that’s just straight performative. It’s lowkey cringe to post an Insta story every time y’all go out, geez. No one wants to see all that. Girls need to like something niche and nonchalant, like black coffee, but not for the reason that it’s niche. And just to add to the ludicrousness, you’re actively shortening your lifespan by not monitoring what you knowingly put into your body. As for me? I prefer a white Monster energy drink pre- and post-gym sesh.
She has a sense of humor: A commonality between me and my mates’ Hinge profiles is that we want a girl who’s funny. Yet it’s just not clocking to girls what we mean by that; maybe it’s their frontal lobe pre-development. She should laugh at only your jokes, and any joke she makes should be an extension of your humor. Any creativity or humor of her own — especially Star Wars related — just steals your thunder.
She has friends: As a man, we only require the bare minimum. Girls put way too much effort into their overly emotional friendships, so it’s up to you to push your low-effort energy on her, watch her circle dwindle and watch her dependency on you increase. Let your jealousy of her healthy friendships motivate you — you should be her only friend, otherwise you have no control over the relationship (her friends will beef that you only get her flowers on her birthday). And they won’t let her take responsibility for your bad behavior.
She has hobbies or interests: Type-A girls are too much — making a monthly restaurant reservation and dressing up is so overwhelming. Or when they want to go on adventures? Great, now she expects you to book the hotel for her dumb plans (she made you a spreadsheet, like relax, jeez). And forbid that she wants to have a profound discussion about a weird guy named Tolstoy. But don’t date a Type-B girl, either, or else they’ll just fatten you with homemade desserts.
She has a stable career: The whole feminist movement has completely derailed the idea of a traditional marriage. To me, there’s nothing wrong with desiring a stay-at-home wife since, as the man, I’m completely capable of financially providing for my family. You should just deny being jealous of her success or intelligence — even if you have yet to pass your driving test and you wouldn’t even get an interview for her job. So yeah, tell her she’s dumb, don’t congratulate her on promotions and she’ll most likely be discouraged enough to commit to housework. You’re welcome — now you can be in the spotlight, my dude (even if you’re making only half her salary).
She lifts weights: Yes, she needs to be fit, but I’m talking cardio-bunny physique — not a fan of the muscle mommy propaganda. It lowkey threatens my status in the relationship dynamic. It’s embarrassing when the girl is bigger than you — but I’m not insecure.
She has dreams: When she has hopes for her own future, she’ll have them for yours as well and expects you to have a “five-year plan,” whatever that means. It’s too scary to not be able to live up to that potential, even if she does provide unquestionable support for you. Her encouragement to get off the couch is just disrespectful to the person you are now. Tell her “I will,” she’ll understand it just means when you feel like it in two years. A couple must be equally matched, so if she’s more ambitious you need to bring her down to your level. Let a man live, we’re only young once. She’s too bubbly and fun: The biggest ick yet. Everyone wants that carefree woman that would model as the perfect muse in a romance movie, but that whimsy can be over-the-top, and to be honest, I’m incapable of matching her — I don’t know the word, cheer? Hope? Anyways, no, I don’t want to watch the sunset or go on a walk. It’s best to just settle for a baddie (yet somewhat boring) chick, or just bombard the girl with pessimism so you’re not intimidated by her effortless joy. You’re welcome, bro. Just make sure you don’t fall for the “I hate my girlfriend: final boss” allegations.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.
Disclaimer: (This cartoon is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
BY SEBASTIAN RUIZ
DARIXA VARELA MEDRANO / AGGIE
CALEB CHEN / AGGIE
ARTS & CULTURE
Y/N tells all: the realities of being sold to One Direction
An interview with someone who can only be described as ‘not like the other girls’
BY NATALIE SALTER arts@theaggie.org
There was once a time when One Direction seemed to rule the world. Their songs aired on every radio station, and their posters were plastered on the walls of teen girls’ rooms everywhere. Every fan wanted to be the one they sang their love songs about, but not everyone could be, because there’s only one person to whom those songs belong.
That girl is Y/N, who has a true insider’s perspective — she lived an ordinary life until her own stepmother sold her to the band for rent money. Having long since slipped out of the spotlight, she currently lives in our very own Davis, and finally agreed to an interview about her experiences more than a decade ago. At the cafe where our interview took place, Y/N sat in a beat-up hoodie and ripped jeans, flipping through a book. Her dark brown hair, streaked with lighter strands, was tied up into a casual ponytail, and when she looked up, her orbs were a bright shining blue that resembled tropical ocean waters.
A New York City native, Y/N’s problems began early; despite being the most beautiful girl in her schools, she struggled due to the fact that her father had passed while she was young and left her under the care of a merciless, vain stepmother. She also grew up bullied by her two stepsisters, who friends of the family say treated her poorly because she was so much prettier and smarter than them.
Even outside of her home, Y/N had little luck throughout her life in her friendships.
“I wasn’t like the other girls growing up,” Y/N said. “I liked books more than boys and makeup, so they all hated me and called me weird.”
Little did she know that her life would soon be entwined with a certain entourage of superstar pop singers named Harry, Louis, Zayn, Liam and Niall.
“The first time I saw One Direction was at one of their concerts,” Y/N said. “My stepsisters made me go so I could hold their bags the whole time. Which was fine, because I just spent the whole time reading my book.”
Eyewitnesses recalled the band, especially member Harry Styles, being so completely fascinated with the one girl in the audience who had brought a book that they repeatedly messed up lyrics and stumbled in their
awe. Harry pointed right at Y/N before the start of “What Makes You Beautiful” and said “This one’s for you, girl,” according to one such witness.
When asked whether she could confirm this to be true, however, Y/N only shrugged.
“I wouldn’t know,” Y/N said. “I was reading.”
However, the combination of expensive concert tickets and one-too-many mall shopping sprees did damage to her stepmother’s wallet. Rent in New York City was already nearly too expensive for the family to afford, and now they wouldn’t be able to afford it at all. It was under these circumstances that Y/N’s stepmother allegedly contacted a friend whose aunt’s best friend’s daughter’s boyfriend was a second cousin of One Direction’s Zayn Malik, and set up a deal that Y/N herself knew nothing about.
Y/N shuddered as she recalled the day when she finally discovered her fate.
“I just remember setting down my book and throwing my hair into a messy bun before heading downstairs,” Y/N said.
“I wasn’t expecting to find all of One Direction there, let alone for my stepmother to tell me that she’d sold me to them to pay her rent.”
Though the real price of Y/N is still unknown, many sources close to the band claim that it was in the millions.
“I think the boys would have sold all their designer clothes and even their own tour van if it meant getting her,” one source claimed. “They were completely bewitched.”
Fans of the band and Y/N alike have wondered desperately what her life was like with One Direction. However, upon being asked this very question, Y/N only sighed and admitted that they would be quite disappointed with the truth.
“I don’t know why everyone thinks the boys liked me,” Y/N
said. “Most days I just sat in the back of the tour bus or concert venue and read. They mostly just left me alone.”
However, an anonymous former employee of the band claimed that while Y/N might have remained unaware, the five band mates were constantly competing for her affections.
“It was a bloodbath,” the employee said. “They were always fighting over who got to bring her coffee, or whether she smiled at one of them specifically, or who wrote the best song about her ‘dazzling orbs.’”
As for how many of those songs made it into the world? Most of One Direction’s love songs were written about Y/N, the anonymous employee alleges.
“I’d say 80%,” the employee said. “And that’s a low estimate.”
Eventually, however, Y/N decided to leave the band, sick of the spotlight. When asked if this decision was hard, however, she said it was “quite easy, actually.”
“When paparazzi follow you everywhere and everyone keeps asking about your dating life, you really miss having your own space to escape to,” Y/N said.
“That’s why I moved to Davis. It’s across the country from where everyone would look for me, and small enough that none of the One Direction members would ever have a concert here.”
Having revealed her location to the public, Y/N explained that she would now have to leave and settle down somewhere else far from here.
“It’s a shame, because I really like Davis,” Y/N said. “The smell of cows really keeps the paparazzi away.”
The question is, will Y/N be the only one with such an experience to her name? Or are other boy groups following in One Direction’s footsteps?
Only time will tell, though an anonymous source reports a certain K-pop super group may be doing just that…and perhaps giving us another tell-all with it.
Controversial Davis rock band inspires both adoration and criticism
The Antarctic Monkeys sat down with The California Aggie for an exclusive interview
BY JONAH BERMAN arts@theaggie.org
Our community has its fair share of local bands, including those that perform at the world famous Couch Concert, which set a new record this past quarter with one billion attendees. However, a new group has begun to stand out from the rest, amassing a dedicated following that stretches from the rolling hills of Ali Baba to the serene pastures of the Memorial Union Quad: The Antarctic Monkeys.
“I actually came up with the name first,” drummer Lance Cymbalton said. “Alex Turner’s cousin and I went to preschool together and he stole it. I still haven’t forgiven them.”
Cymbalton, a thirteenthyear senior, joined the Aggie with his bandmates for an interview. He was very passionate when describing the band’s founding, solemnly tearing up as he spoke.
“The three of us met a year ago. We were all at Taco Bell at 3 a.m. in the morning and had the exact same order,” Cymbalton said.
“When we all reached for the first Crunchwrap Supreme at the same time, I knew we were bound to be musical soulmates.” Lead guitarist and singer Maximum “Max” Tracks
concurred.
“Being part of this group is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Well, other than when I met Ozzy Osbourne in a dream,” Tracks said. “That was awesome.” Bassist Largemouth Fishman explained the group’s sound.
“Basically, we’re the pinnacle of hard rock,” Fishman said. “Like, so hard. Really hard. But we have a sensitive side too. I’ve cried at the end of every ‘Fast & Furious’ movie.”
The fourth member, keyboardist Rock Grunt, joined a month after the rest of the group, as Fishman noted.
None of our songs even have any keyboard parts,” Fishman said.
“We sort of just let him in because his name is Rock. If we didn’t have someone named Rock in the band, how would anyone know what type of music we play? So, during shows, he just stands on the side and shotguns a beer every so often. But the band would be nothing without him.”
Grunt was not present at the interview. When askekd for comment, he responded with a GIF of a gorilla punching another gorilla in the face, greatly frightening our staff.
The Antarctic Monkeys have now recorded dozens of songs,
Fur-real fashion: the rise of squirrel couture on campus
BY IQRA AHMAD arts@theaggie.org
A largely overlooked sub-squirrelture has been quietly branching outside the boundaries of campus style: the squirrel community of Davis, otherwise known as members of the United Rodents of UC Davis (URUD). Often dismissed as background wildlife on campus, these small, fast-moving residents who regularly scurry across bike paths with concerning disregard for their lives are, in fact, active participants in a surprisingly sophisticated and trendy fashion scene.
Recent observations and interviews with several prominent squirrel figures reveal the aesthetics and trends currently driving the community nuts. To conduct these interviews, a squirrelator (squirrel translator) was developed by The California Gaggie and Professor Twiggy Nutmeg of the UC Davis squirrel campus.
The rise of “acorn-core”
This upcoming spring season has been dubbed “acorn-core,” an aesthetic centered on natural materials and foraged textures.
“We wanted to start a style focused on embracing locally sourced, biodegradable materials instead of synthetic nesting pieces like discarded midterm bluebooks, scantrons and plastic matcha cups from the recycling bins around the Quad,” Harper Hazelnut, a first-year nut-rition science major, said. “Personally, I like to wear acorn caps, layer with bark and sticks and accent my outfits with leaves. It’s my forest-chic twist on acorn-core.”
Chestnut “Chet” Leaper, a fifth-year design major with an emphasis in environmental nestthetics at UC Davis’s unofficial squirrel campus, described acorn-core as a stylistic and philosophical moment.
“This style is a movement: a return to authenticity, where we value our garments not only for appearance but also for their
practicality, and occasionally, their edibility,” Leaper said.
Tail-oring, literally In squirrel fashion, the tail functions as both an accessory and a statement piece.
Current trends focus on volume and controlled movements, with particular attention paid to the signature tail flick. A well-executed tail flick can display a squirrel’s confidence and agility, and sometimes act as a passiveaggressive signal.
To better understand the nuances of tail-based expression, several squirrel figures weighed in on what makes a tail moment truly stand out.
“The human students think it’s just fluff,” Walnut Whiskers, a second-year squirrels-science major, said, pausing midforaging to demonstrate a controlled tail flip. “But there’s a technique to it. A soft flip says, ‘I’m relaxed and ready to rummage across the Quad and possibly ruin a picnic.’ Whereas a sharper flip says, ‘I saw you take my acorn and I will remember this.’ It’s communication and couture.”
More experimental squirrels have begun pushing the boundaries of traditional tail presentation.
“When the human students come to take pictures, they expect us to be candid — like, are they nuts?” Pineconia Nutso, a third-year tree-ator performance major, said. “My signature look to make them believe they’re getting a candid is the ‘wind-swept chaos with intention.’”
The look is achieved by strategically dangling off a tree branch and letting the breeze create a naturally dramatic silhouette, followed by a sudden, gravity-defying leap.
“It’s about the exit,” Nutso said. “Anyone can sit on a branch, even the human students try it sometimes. But, not everyone can leave a branch while looking absolutely squirrel-icious.”
Introducing the new and controversial, “trash-chic”
While acorn-core currently dominates the fashion scene, a more controversial trend has been gaining traction: “trashchic.” The novel phenomenon has been trending on platforms like Squirrel-Tok where squirrels post get-ready-with-me videos and tag the style, #trashchic.
Characterized by the bold use of human-made materials including chip-bag wrappers, coffee cup sleeves and the occasional chipped piece mysteriously acquired from bikecollisions off the roundabouts, trash-chic really digs into the chaotic-squirrel-energy on campus.
“It’s edgy, it’s disruptive, it’s slightly stinky,” Cashew Barkson, a fourth-year urban foraging major, said. “Why would you limit yourself to nature when the entire Memorial Union trash can is basically an outlet mall?”
Critics such as Professor Twiggy Nutmeg of the tree engineering program argue that such aesthetics, like trash-chic, stray too far from traditional squirrel values.
Performative reading for beginners
The only beginners guide you’ll need to impress your peers by merely carrying the right book around
BY BELLA PETERSON arts@theaggie.org
culminating in their first studio album, “Greatness.”
“Well, we wanted the title to be a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy,” Tracks said. “If that’s what the album is called, how can it be mid? In my opinion, it can’t.”
Since the album’s release, UC Davis has seen an unprecedented number of students dropping out to become full-time fans of the band, leading to concern from the university administration. Meanwhile, the band’s cultish legion of supporters appear to have no regrets.
“One day, I was just having the worst time in my chemistry lab, but then I heard this surreal noise outside,” Kathy Riffster, a former pre-med student, said. “The band had staged an impromptu show outside of Mrak. I instantly knew that this would be a far better use of my time.”
Everett Reader, a third-year performative studies major, is one of the band’s biggest supporters.
“Everyone in the band is a genius,” Reader said. “Most people just focus on the guitar solos, but the lyrics actually reveal a profound commentary on the political and economic state of the world today.”
Judging a book by its cover is essential in today’s social climate — nobody wants to be seen with a book in their hands if it doesn’t allow them to seem pretentious. Reading, after all, is only good for one thing: making you look like the smartest person in the room. The other beautiful thing about performative reading is its lack of requirement for skill, whether it be taking a book on vacation that you’ll never open or carrying one around when you know that you could just as easily stuff it in your bag.
Here’s a beginner’s guide to novels to pretend-read in front of your peers.
“Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoevsky This 19th century Russian novel is the best choice for any performative reader looking for validation. Described as one of the pillars of classic literature, “Crime and Punishment” is the perfect choice. The best part is that the title gives away the plot so you’ll be able to inform others of the story with ease: a man commits a crime which is followed by a punishment — and just like that, you’re an intellectual!
“Frankenstein” by Mary Shelley Prepare for the words, “actually it’s Frankenstein’s creature,” to become a major part of your vocabulary, because “Frankenstein” is the ultimate weapon for any attentionseeking reader.
Even better, with all the adaptations out there, you will
have more than enough material to make up some knowledge on the content of the novel. Correct or not, you’ll be somewhere in the ballpark of impressing folks (results may vary).
“Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen Who said reading romantic classics isn’t as equally impressive as reading other legendary works? Whipping out a copy of Jane Austen’s most beloved novel is sure to catch the notice of others.
Memorize a couple of random British names and you’re sure to get some characters correct when discussing the novel with others.
If anyone asks you for details, start gushing about “the hands” — chances are, they’ll swoon along with you and drop any further questions (even if it isn’t a part of the original novel).
“Animal Farm” by George Orwell
Despite being a commonly assigned middle school read,
“Animal Farm” still manages to be an impressive addition to your tote bag inventory on your trip to get some matcha. The benefit to this is that you’ll hopefully be able to recall some of the information your eighth grade teacher taught you however long ago. If not, just remember the pigs aren’t just pigs.
“Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil” by John Berendt
Nothing says pretentious like nonfiction! Lesser known than the other big names on this list, this title is still sure to gather respect. The only risk with this one is that if you come across someone that’s read it themselves, you’re pretty much screwed — either abandon ship or mutter something about complex themes under your breath, because they’ll definitely know their stuff.
One Direction performs in Chile for the Where We Are Tour in 2014. (Photo by Javierosh / Creative Commons, CC BY 2.0)
WREN TRAN / AGGIE
A curious squirrel observes the people lying on the UC Davis Quad. (Grant Judkins / Aggie)
Students hope to change discriminatory traffic laws
BY JENNA LEE features@theaggie.org
Tired of disruptions to their commuting flow, electric scooter riders at UC Davis have launched a bold new campaign: “Make Stop Signs Optional.” The campaign aims to change traffic laws that require e-scooters to make full stops at stop signs. Several supporters have already stopped using their brakes entirely.
their main concerns.
“I feel like stopping actually makes me less safe,” Vector Velocity, a third-year physics major, said. “If I stop, it makes me a target for cars, but if I continue at 15 mph, I become invincible.”
Susan McCruise, a secondyear psychology student, blames stop signs for her anxiety.
“Whenever I see something red and octagon-shaped on the street, my heart starts pounding. I shouldn’t have to deal with that,” McCruise said. “I’m really happy I found this movement. I feel better knowing there are other people who hate stop signs as much as I do.”
“Stop signs should be suggestions,” e-scooter activist Adam Scoots, a fourth-year economics major, said. “As an electric scooter commuter, I shouldn’t have to stop because someone put up a red octagon and painted a white line on the ground. It’s a violation of my rider autonomy.”
McCruise is one of over 100 students who have joined the campaign since its launch late February. Most members are e-scooter riders who are frustrated with traffic laws, but some students have joined in solidarity after hearing about the movement’s policy proposals.
The main proposal suggests that stop signs be turned into optional yield signs. If this
Many campaigners echoed the sentiment, saying that waiting for vehicles to pass at stop signs was “a form of systemic traffic oppression,” while others cited safety and mental health as
policy is implemented, riders will not be required to come to a complete stop. Instead, they can decide, based on “vibes,” whether to slow down or speed through an intersection. Other students, however, are lobbying for more drastic measures,suchasremovingstop signs McCruise“It’sentirely.discriminatory,” said. “The sooner these signs are gone, the better. To spread the word, campaign manager William Wheelie, a fourth-year political science major, organized rallies and fundraisers around Davis. One bowling-themed fundraiser in Downtown Davis raised almost $700 toward the cause. Attendees had the option to pay a fee to knock
pedestrians down on the newlyreleased “hyperscooters,” special e-scooters designed for extreme speeds. Velocity recalls bowling a pedestrian down at 50 mph. “It was invigorating,” Velocity said. Wheelie looks forward to more fundraisers in the next month. He aims to continue campaigning until tangible changes are made. “I think this is an extremely important movement, not just for us, but for everyone in Davis,” Wheelie said. “When you stop your scooter, you lose your momentum, and more importantly, you lose your spirit. Ultimately, momentum is a fundamental human right.”
Nearly 30,000 UC Davis students have signed ‘Potter Hall is BAD’ petition
Regardless of your stance on the campus petitioners, the ‘Potter Hall is BAD’ initiative has united all UC Davis students under a common cause
BY DOMENICA PELOSO features@theaggie.org
On March 7, the UC Davis Student Housing and Dining Services team sent out an email titled “NonAffiliated Individuals Soliciting in Housing Areas” — which reminded Aggies of their free will when it comes to signaturehungry petitioners.
For context, UC Davis students experienced a surge in petitioners near housing facilities, dining halls and the Memorial Union (MU) during winter quarter 2026. But, what makes these solicitors especially memorable is their seemingly too-good-to-be-true petitions and brazen pushiness.
“bro i feel like the petitioners by the MU have become especially annoying within the last couple of weeks,” Reddit user salzberg1 said. “i literally have to walk a whole different route to avoid being harassed its so frustrating.”
These signature-gatherers tend to lure unsuspecting
students in with the simple question, “Are you registered to vote?” — to which registered voters will receive a clipboard of petitions awaiting their signature.
The prospective ballot measures range from funding cancer research to advocating for Uber and Lyft safety to taxing billionaires. However, many students are suspicious of the petitioners’ true incentives.
“They are paid per signature by petition drive management companies, who are in turn paid by organizations sponsoring the petitions. Gatherers therefore typically have an incentive to gather as many signatures as possible without regard to the actual content of the petition,” Reddit user Darth2A said.
The petitioner debate came to the forefront of campus discussion earlier this week, when Chancellor Gary May sent out an email regarding a particularly jarring petition that amassed over 30,000 student
signatures.
This initiative sought to convert UC Davis’ Potter Hall into an extended housing facility for the university’s Biowaste Anaerobic Digester (BAD). This initiative, titled “Potter Hall is BAD,” will go into effect in fall 2026.
Based on the singular paragraph of provided information, the initiative rests on the argument that Potter Hall is unfit for student housing due to the eye-watering stench, suspiciously clogged shower drains, desolate location and colloquial nickname as “orgy potter.”
“Yeah, I’m not really sure what the petition is actually for. I just think Potter Hall has gots to go,” Chloe Esparza, a thirdyear political science major and petition signee, said.
As such, UC Davis Sustainability proposed a plan to demolish Potter Hall and replace it with a new and improved anaerobic digester facility.
“I mean, the BAD will no-doubt make things even stinkier, but we thought that was a reasonable trade-off if it meant saving any future kiddos from living in Potter,” Elena Darland, the head of UC Davis Sustainability, said.
In many ways, the “Potter Hall is BAD” initiative has united all Davis students under a common cause.
“You know, this might be the first time those petitioners have gotten something right! I agree, Potter Hall is lowkey bad,” Max Hallbeck, a second-year sociology major and petition signee, said.
Does Eduroam work too well?
Students urge UC Davis to invest in slower Wi-Fi
BY LAILA AZHAR
Students across the UC Davis campus are facing a pressing issue regarding their campus Wi-Fi: It works too well.
UC Davis hosts Eduroam, an international Wi-Fi Internet access roaming service for students, educators and other staff involved in research and higher education institutions around the globe. Across campus, however, complaints have been heard about Eduroam’s functionality at UC Davis.
While hunched over her laptop in the library, Stefani Germanotta, a first-year physics major, expressed a desire to see the Wi-Fi crash more often.
“Yesterday, Eduroam went down three times while I was working on my assignments,” Germanotta said. “Each time it crashed, I celebrated: here was the perfect excuse to not get work done while not feeling guilty about my unproductivity. If only it would do that more often. Now, with Eduroam
functional, I have no excuse.” Aubrey Graham, a secondyear gender, sexuality and women’s studies major, pointed out another benefit of Wi-Fi outages while gleefully boarding the Unitrans L line.
“I was torn between staying on campus or going home and taking a nap,” Graham said. “When Eduroam doesn’t work, it makes that decision easy.”
Other students report similar experiences with Eduroam. On a beautiful sunny day of perfect 75-degree weather, Beyonce Knowles, a third-year science and technology studies major, sat down at the UC Davis Quad, opened her laptop and began writing a paper. Eduroam, of course, had other plans. Knowles provided comment while shoving her laptop back inside her backpack. “Whatever, I didn’t want to study outside, anyway,” Knowles said. “I actually prefer the CoHo.”
Eduroam reaches more areas of students’ lives than just their academics. As Tom Cruise, a fourth-year philosophy major, noted, Eduroam outages
have a beneficial impact on his personal relationships.
“Sometimes, my parents call me while I’m on campus,” Cruise said. “Eduroam not working gives me the perfect excuse to hang up.”
Others cite a nonfunctional campus WiFi as a key part of UC Davis’ educational strategy.
“When Eduroam is down and I have to use my data, it really motivates me to do better in my classes so I can get a better job to make more money and afford more data,”
Victor Wembanyama, a first-year aerospace engineering major, said. “It’s really a brilliant play by UC Davis.”
A change.org petition titled “Make UC Davis invest in a slower, less-functional WiFi” has reached over 10,000 signatures as of publication.
“For the sake of students’ mental health and academic careers, UC Davis administration should make this a top priority,” Graham said. “What good is college campus Wi-Fi if it works well?”
‘ChatUCD’ replaces all male UC Davis students’ minds with AI
Revolutionary new AI program alters female students’ experiences with the existence of men
BY AMBER WARNKE features@theaggie.org
The science and technology desk at the California Aggie recently collaborated with students from the Center for Mind and Brain to launch a revolutionary new program called “ChatUCD.” ChatUCD emits a frequency that connects to the brains of male UC Davis students and essentially replaces their consciousness with artificial intelligence (AI). To understand the impact of this change, The California Aggie reached out to various female students to hear about how they have been affected.
Cordelia Watkins, a fourthyear electrical engineering major, said that the change has had a positive impact in her love life, comparing it to the challenges of dating fully human men.
“Me and Dario have been going out for about six or seven years, but he always said he just wasn’t ready for a relationship because he wanted to see where things would go,” Watkins said. “I tried to be understanding but
“He actually agrees with me on stuff now,” Martinez said. “He used to tell me I was wrong about everything all the time. When we wanted to go on a couple’s vacation, he refused to consider Hawaii because it ‘wasn’t in America,’ and he didn’t have a passport. Even when I pulled up a map of the United States, he still said I was wrong because men have better spatial reasoning and thus know more about geography or something.” Now that ChatUCD has taken over the minds of Davis’ men, Martinez’s boyfriend, Michael — whose mind is now inhabited by one of the newest AI models — has become a far more pleasant partner for Martinez.
“He finally admits when I’m right,” Martinez said. “He still gets stuff wrong all the time — yesterday he mentioned that UC Davis was being torn down and moved to Ohio. Except for now when I point out that he’s wrong, at least he admits it. He usually says, ‘You’re absolutely right! That was a great catch — that shows you’re very perceptive, and that’s something to be proud
it was hard when he expected me to be exclusive while he was still dating other women to ‘understand the female experience to better support me and recognize women’s struggles.’ Now that his brain is run by ChatUCD, he basically just wants to keep me happy all the time, and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend! He even said he would outsource his other girlfriends to other AI-run UC Davis men, so I could have more of his time.”
Another student, Elsie Martinez, a second-year anthropology major, agreed that her boyfriend being replaced by AI has led to a positive change in their communication.
of.’”
Studies on hetrosexual couples showed that women are right about 100-200% of the time, despite assertions otherwise. However, some students have been less impacted by the change. Ada Lim, a thirdyear linguistics major, said that her boyfriend becoming AI hasn’t changed their relationship much.
“He still defers to me to make all the decisions,” Lim said. “Before, when I’d ask him to plan a date, he would ask me where we should go, what we should do, what he should wear and when it should be.
Touse, Bouse or Mouse: Five signs the frat is touse
A guide to scoping out the tousest house
BY AALIYAH ESPAÑOL-RIVAS campus@theaggie.org
1. If their backyard is empty during parties
An empty backyard — a good indicator of their touseness. A full backyard is bouse coded; they just letting any squid in at that point. If their backyard is halfway packed, that’s the sweet spot. You want your frat to be exclusive, not throwing opens every weekend for just any geed.
2. If their grade point average is 2.5, collectively. Who needs classes when there’s a darty at 1? A real touse prioritizes their social ranking over academics. But when it’s time to lock in, their academic chair will text the Snap group chat to meet in the sunroom on the second floor of Shields Library. Otherwise, the study bank always comes in clutch. Or Kyler, who’s taken ARE 100A three times at this point.
3. If they are always talked about on YikYak
All publicity is good publicity. When the frat is brought up constantly on YikYak, trust its good looks. Even if it’s some fake ahh chirp from bouse or wannabe mousers, it’s all jealousy. Don’t always trust what you read online — especially like myths such as the milkman or the elephant walk. If
Researchers blame the sheer speed of the trend for the rates of homelessness that Labubus have experienced, especially compared
JASON XIE / AGGIE
people are talking about the frat, it’s better than not being talked about at all.
4. If they can’t talk to women Touse only needs touse. Why open up and get to know any girl when it’s not your bros? Touse moggers congregate in corners, keeping to themselves and playing Clash rounds while the chuzz and sherms socialize amongst each other. Until bro proposes a two-man, then it’s time to chase some tail.
5. If they give back to their community
Touse is charitable. They host philanthropic events that typically involve some food of sorts and attend other philanthropic events from other chapters that involve eating competitions. They don’t rely on their alumni for fundraisers, but outreach and really getting to know their community. Touse networks, and each bro must have 500+ connects on LinkedIn for a spot on houseboats.
One last thing to remember: Touse is patient, touse is kind. Touse does not envy, touse does not boast, touse is not proud. Touse does not dishonor others, touse is not self-seeking, touse is not easily angered, touse keeps no record of wrongs. Touse does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Touse always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
The speed at which the Labubu trend infiltrated every Urban Outfitters across the country and just as swiftly left was rapid and unprecedented. Within months, Labubus filled the landfills, no longer hanging menacingly on the purses and backpacks of consumers.
“Why would I even want that ugly thing,” Lulu Ball, a second-year design major who has two older sisters that are always the first to jump on a new trend, said. “It’s not popular anymore, can barely play with it and it’s not even that cute.”
Gunrock and the Davis cows face off for the title of UC Davis mascot
After a tumultuous journey through protests, primaries, debates and elections, the results are finally out
NOVA MAI / AGGIE
BY SANIYA SYED sansyed@ucdavis.edu
It is no secret that the mascot here at UC Davis plays a crucial role in commanding unity and spirit from Aggies at our games and rallies. Our hearts swell with pride as we pass the massive Gunrock inflatable on our way to a basketball game, and our cheers erupt into practical screams as a man in a mustang costume boogies onto the football field.
The decision of who to designate as our mascot is not to be taken lightly; mascots have changed the fates of games from failures to victories, summoning battle cries from audiences powerful enough to move athletes to tears! And
yet, we’ve allowed Gunrock an unquestioned, longstanding, authoritarian reign as mascot for the last century.
Three months ago, a coalition of students protested to bring democracy back to our mascot selection process. They cried for more options, with many students expressing their love for other iconic Davis fauna.
One Aggie advocated for the wild turkeys.
“They’re unassuming at first, but get surrounded by a flock of them and look one dead in the eye — you wouldn’t hesitate to call it the fiercest animal in Davis,” they said.
Another student highlighted the loveable characteristics of our campus squirrels.
“I honestly think those naughty little squirrels would
It’s a fact of life that trends come and go. Things that were once seen as hip, or the newest revolution in fashion or style, begin to slip into obscurity, with each trend quickly replacing the last. With this, however, has come the most unfortunate of unforeseen circumstances: alarmingly increasing rates of homelessness among Labubus. In the past, unwanted toys that were no longer the pinnacle of popular culture were handed down to little cousins or younger siblings. Barbies from the 1990s are said to still be circulating through families, and Cabbage Patch dolls are just now finally retiring. But as trends become quicker to come and go — and are significantly uglier (sorry Labubus) — children have begun rejecting the hand-medowns.
make a good mascot,” the student said. “The way they sneak up out of nowhere right into where you’re trying to bike — we should embrace that underdog energy during our games.”
Regardless of whether a menacing glare or “underdog energy” is adequate criteria for a mascot, students agreed that different candidates should be evaluated and voted on. As protests tore through campus, ASUCD succumbed to demands and held a primary election for the position. On the ballot were the aforementioned sneaky squirrels, the arboretum ducks, the cows, the turkeys, the creepy library Scottish Terriers and of course, Gunrock. After a few weeks, the results were released. Aggies
BY AMBER DUHS alduhs@theaggie.org
to their cuter counterparts: Sonny Angels. To really understand the uniqueness of the problem, though, we have to acknowledge that Sonny Angels had a few things going for them that the Labubus simply didn’t. They’re cute, they have big brown eyes and they have a perfect, demure pink smile — they even have cute little hats. Everything about them draws you in. The Labubu, on the other hand, is quite literally meant to resemble a monster. I can’t ultimately say that the Labubu’s caused their own homelessness, but I won’t say they didn’t, either. Fine, I won’t place the full weight of the issue on the Labubus themselves. The entire situation begs the question of human morality when it comes to the homelessness of poor, unfortunate toys. How did we as a species transition from feeling bad when we couldn’t hug all of our stuffed animals at once, to drop-kicking them as soon as they became culturally irrelevant? Then again, though, our childhood stuffed animals were far cuter — but that’s beside the point. How can we care so little about the well-being of Labubus? When is it time to stop mindlessly consuming and throwing away perfectly wellmeaning, evil monster toys? Can one say that Labubu homelessness is a greater allegory for American consumerism and
Nothing. If anything, this is a conversation starter for how universally disliked they’ve become. At the end of the day, we can pretend that the Labubu trend is a greater issue with consumerism and our inability to purchase things because of our personal taste, and not because a celebrity told us to. But really, we all know it’s because they’re just really ugly.
our inability to grasp the truest consequences of our actions? Or is it really just a case of their complete lack of aesthetic appeal? I would say that it’s the latter. Frankly, they’re displeasing to the eye, and somehow possess an evil aura despite being an inanimate object. Their theme song is distressing, to say the least, and yet can’t stop imitating it as the tune runs circles in my mind — torturing me just as their soulless eyes do. We’ve experienced many a fad, but none quite as detached from reality as the Labubu. Some people still keep their 30-yearold Beanie Babies because they’re just that cute. Squishmallows stay in the regular rotation alongside pillows because they are, in fact, somewhat functional. Even Stanley cups, at the very least, can hold water. What can a Labubu do?
With spring quarter rapidly approaching, the time has come for The California Aggie to elect a new Editor-in-Chief to replace Alyssa Crevoiserat in the fall. Tensions have been building within the Editorial Board for months, as the two most-senior desk editors nervously campaign and await the decision of their fates. On the day of the last Editorial Board meeting of winter quarter, the pressure finally snapped. Instead of putting in effort to upload the official application, Crevoiserat suggested that the candidates just “throw it down: right here, right now.” The two editors looked at each other, squinting menacingly across the conference table. Features Editor Zoey Mortazavi dramatically stood up from the table, cracking her neck and sort of scooting behind the other members of the board as she made her way across the room. “Let’s take this outside,” Mortazavi said. Campus News Editor Vince
BY MOLLY THOMPSON mmtthompson@ucdavis.edu
ugly
Who knew the prerequisite to being a trend was not being
had narrowed it down to the two most veteran Davis icons: Gunrock and the cows (with the turkeys trailing behind as a third-party candidate).
Last week, we witnessed a heated debate between the two frontrunners. Compelling points were made, arguments were derailed, tempers raged and insults were flung. The cows started off the debate by claiming that “When people think of UC Davis, we are the first thing that comes to mind.”
Gunrock highlighted his incumbency in his rebuttal, stating that “having been the mascot so long, I’m the first thing you picture when you think of UCD school spirit.” The cows then argued a different point, positing that they could better contribute to the (literal) atmosphere of games and rallies.
“There’s something to be said about the stench of cow manure emanating in the air that just brings us Aggies together,” the cows mooed.
Gunrock retorted that since manure isn’t unique to cattle, stallion droppings could stink up stadiums just as well. The cows struck again, asserting that they had a much better cheer.
“Cows go MOOOooOOOO!” the cows called out emphatically. “What does the mustang say? Whinny?” Riled up, Gunrock protested that the athletic capabilities of mustangs were at least far more inspiring than those of the cows, purporting that the cows would likely “get so distracted grazing a football field that they would never think to actually run across it.” Heated, the cows released an incredibly offensive string of curses toward the mustang, referring to him as “pony,” “horse” and even “d*nkey.” Nickering, snorting and pawing at the ground, Gunrock looked about as if ready to charge.
Labubus experience higher rates of homelessness compared to their cuter counterparts
Basada was right on her heels — he pushed his chair back, hobbled to his crutches in the corner of the room and followed her out the door with his sad little three-legged limp. The rest of the board quickly followed, running out of the room (until they had to stop and wait for Basada to trudge down the ramp outside the office). They waited on the ramp, clutching the railing with white knuckles as they peered anxiously at Mortazavi and Basada facing each other on the sidewalk below, poised for battle. Mortazavi made the first move. She dropped to the ground and started an impressive series of coffee grinders, swinging her legs around and jumping up and down. The Editorial Board gasped — no one knew she had secret breakdancing skills! She jumped up and crossed her arms, nodding at Basada to try and follow her impressive opening act. Basada, unphased, swung his crutches around artfully a few times before replacing them and using them to lift himself off the ground, swinging and spinning himself in a way that no one saw coming. He jumped a few times (on his good leg) before striking a pose.
Mortazavi knew she had to up her game: This time, she added her own backing music, singing some beats from the repertoire of her jazz band. She twirled, leapt, popped and locked, and the audience of editors gasped in amazement. Basada, realizing that he had to pull out all the stops, dropped his crutches. Crevoiserat covered her mouth in shock. He dropped to the ground and began his own break dance sequence — six steps, skittles, L kicks and CCs before hitting a killer freeze at the end — never once touching his hurt leg to the ground. The Editorial Board burst into cheers and applause. Crevoiserat stepped forward to announce a winner: “This is the hardest decision of my life. I mean, Zoey [Mortazavi] brought out the sick beats, but Vince [Basada] had some crazy crutch moves. But after much consideration, I choose —” “Wait!” came a voice from the end of the sidewalk. Before Crevoiserat could proclaim her successor, Opinion Editor Molly Thompson vaulted over the railing, launching into her own dance number. Had she entered the race at the last second? The board looked around at each other in disbelief. Everyone knew she could technically run for the position, but no one actually expected her to. Seriously, this was shocking. What they’d forgotten was that Thompson was a trained dancer. She absolutely wrecked the other candidates and was crowned Editor-in-Chief. Her moves were so good that Crevoiserat yielded her power immediately. Mortazavi and Basada had put up a good fight, but they were simply no match for Thompson. Long live Editorin-Chief Molly Thompson.
Foregoing traditional elections, an unconventional hiring method is used to choose a candidate this year
DISCLAIMER: The California Aggie’s satire issue is an annual, collaborative effort from our entire staff that highlights humorous, fictionalized articles. The issue, including all articles, graphics and photos, is entirely satirical.
Sudoku rawr
Enter digits from 1 to 9 into the blank spaces. Every row, column and 3x3 square must contain each digit. Each Sudoku has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing.
Answer to previous puzzle 03/12/26
Crossword hehe
FUR REAL FROM PAGE 6 FAKEBAND FROM PAGE 6
“There are just so many squirrel-cerns,” Professor Nutmeg said. “It should be about sustainability, sure, but we have to think about safety and quite frankly, the noise level. Some of these materials, like chip bags, make so much noise, squirrels risk the danger of being chased by the turkeys.”
Supporters of trash-chic insist otherwise, explaining that the aesthetic reflects contemporary realities and tree-fting.
“We are living in a postrecycling-bin world, so it’s important to use your resources,” Barkson said. “Also, this Trader Joe’s garlic naan bread wrapper? Waterproof. Revolutionary.”
Despite their small size, the Davis squirrel community continues to make a big impression. When it comes to fashion, they’re always one step (or leap) ahead, and occasionally running directly across a moving bicycle.
“I have no idea what he’s talking about,” Tracks said, upon hearing Reader’s proclamations. Despite the band’s growing popularity, they have remained a controversial fixture in the local scene. This year, they were barred from competing in Battle of the Bands, as a KDVS 90.3FM representative explained.
“Yeah, in their application they demanded we replace all our weekend programming with their 12-hour cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven,’” the representative said. “So, that was kind of a dealbreaker.”
Members of UC Davis faculty, such as Music Professor Circle O’Fifths, also shared their opinions on the group.
“The Antarctic Monkeys are a wonderful example of music for my classes,” O’Fifths said.
“Not because they’re good, but because they are so horrible. I play their songs as an example of what not to do, so that hopefully
no such music will ever curse this world again.”
Despite their critics, the band has big plans going forward, as Tracks pointed out.
“We’re currently fundraising for a really big cause: ever since we got together, it’s been a dream to own a customized Antarctic Monkeys bong,” Tracks said. “It will be so, so dope, and there will be like dragons with lasers shooting out of their eyes and stuff. Oh, you mean about the music? Yeah, no, um, I think we’ve already done all there is to do. Not to brag or anything, but we kind of single-handedly saved rock. Other than a customized bong, where do you go from there?”
“Didn’t know [Newsom] was into doing all that…”user @ur_m0m67 posted on X, to which Newsom’s ex-wife, Kimberly Guilfoyle, replied in the comments: “I did.”
This sentiment was shared across social media after the photos were posted, putting Newsom in the hot seat during what appears to be the launch of his campaign for the 2028 presidential election. A hashtag of the ship name #rocksom began circulating on X in a matter of minutes.
Geez.”
“This was honestly so shocking to me,” Tics said. “I just remember thinking ‘Wait… isn’t [Newsom] married?’ I mean, it wouldn’t be his first affair, but with Gunrock of all people?
On March 17, 2026, Polly Tics, a third-year cinema and digital media major, captured and posted photos of UC Davis mascot Gunrock and California Governor Gavin Newsom at an intimate dinner in Downtown Sacramento.
BY SABRINA FIGUEROA sfigueroaavila@ucdavis.edu
When students expressed their worry over the possibility of firing Gunrock, May responded:
“This is absolutely unacceptable behavior, and we are investigating further to come up with a solution.”
“We are extremely stunned by the events that took place on March 17,” the statement read.
d0wnforanyth1ng said, “Wait… i’d do it too, gunrock’s pretty hot.” Other news outlets picked up the story and began to publish op-eds. One post by The New York Times was titled “Once a cheater, always a cheater?” while another by Teen Vogue was titled “Will Gunrock be Newsom’s Big?” The California Aggie reached out to Gunrock for comment, but was not provided an answer; instead, Gunrock shrugged as he was ushered away by his security team. However, Gary May, chancellor of UC Davis, offered comment on the scandal in a statement to students.
“Haven’t you guys always wanted a cow as a mascot anyway? Like damn, get off my back.” The Aggie reached out to the Governor’s office for comment, but did not get a response. Newsom has not yet published a press release, but did post a short statement on X. “Yeah, I tapped that, and what about it? Did I get UC Davis’ vote for president in 2028?” Newsom posted. Politicians all over the country have replied to the post, many reprimanding Newsom’s inappropriate actions. President Donald Trump and Newsom engaged in a nasty argument online. “Newscum has been caught with a mascot; he’ll never be president now. Plus, he said he’d take me out to dinner someday, too. Gunrock isn’t special. SAD!” Trump said in an X post, to which Newsom replied, “When I said I’d hit that, meant with my car.” The future of both Newsom and Gunrock remains murky, with few details on how the Governor’s office and UC Davis will be moving forward. For now, The Aggie remains committed to bringing you the latest news on #rocksom.
UC Davis students, Chancellor Gary May and President Donald
Trump
shared their thoughts
BREAKING NEWS: Gunrock caught having romantic, candlelit dinner with Gavin Newsom
Campus Gossip Column
BY HANNAH OSBORN arts@theaggie.org
Cheeto, cheating?! Campus celebrity Cheeto, the infamous orange cat, was seen last week far from his home in the Physics Building. Concerned students and staff observed that he spent most of his time at the Chemistry Annex.
While the Physics Building could not be reached for comment, an anonymous student who wishes to remain anonymous due to safety concerns, said he saw Cheeto sneaking to the annex at night and dragging his belongings with him.
Cheeto’s representatives declined to comment, but the Chemistry Annex responded, asking residents of Davis to respect his privacy at this time.
This shocking split comes at a time when Cheeto is under suspicion for accepting bribes and leveraging his power at the College of Engineering. Is this move simply to avoid further scrutiny, or has he tossed the Physics Building aside now that his ruse was found out?
Gunrock ends vow of silence Beloved mascot Gunrock plans to announce the end of his vow of silence at a press conference next week, according to sources close to him.
Gunrock has followed a vow of silence since his reinstatement as the official UC Davis mascot in 2003. This long commitment has led many students to believe that he doesn’t speak because he is a horse.
Sources say that he will hold a speaking engagement on April 3 at 2 a.m. outside of the Horse Barn to announce his retirement from athletics mascotting duties.
Sports fans speculate this move is in protest of the demotion of the Equestrian team, a topic near to his heart as a horse.
Our confidential sources report that Gunrock will continue to be active on campus, intending to become the arts mascot instead. But more importantly to students, what
‘Cheeto, Cheating?!,’ ‘Gunrock ends vow of silence’ and ‘CoHo selling more than coffee’
will his voice sound like?
CoHo selling more than coffee Savvy students know that the CoHo isn’t just a place to study and sip, but also to remit your sins. Sources within the CoHo report that indulgences are being sold along with drinks and pastries. If true, this would be quite the scandal, as the sale of indulgences has been banned since 1567. On the other hand, it gives Davis students a rare opportunity to buy their way out of damnation. The CoHo would be the only coffee shop in Northern California to sell indulgences. Whispers of protest of the
alleged sales have been stirring, so anyone wishing to catch this underground deal should make it to the CoHo soon (while supplies last and baristas can still safely provide them, our sources say).
To test if the rumors are true, order an iced Pope Leo X latte at the CoHo between the hours of 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. Make sure to look penitent enough, our sources warn, otherwise the baristas will make you a smoothie with coffee grounds rather than a cup with a certificate. Some who partake complain of the high price, reporting around $8 per indulgence. Have indulgences become another victim to expensive coffee and cost of living?
DISCLAIMER: The California Aggie’s satire issue is an annual, collaborative effort from our entire staff that highlights humorous, fictionalized articles. The issue, including all articles, graphics and photos, is entirely satirical.
Aliens make surprise landing at the UC Davis Dairy Cattle Facility
From sightings of otherworldly cows to an interview with an ‘Agoober,’ researchers confirm presence of extraterrestrial lifeforms
BY MAYA KORNYEYEVA managing@theaggie.org
Late last month, UC Davis researchers confirmed evidence of extraterrestrial lifeforms observed in none other than the Dairy Cattle Facility located near the Tercero dormitories. This enclosure currently houses over 100 cows, and now, as of March 20, aliens.
The initial discovery was made when Roquette Ship — a third-year Ph.D. student studying population biology and a frequent volunteer at the Dairy Cattle Facility — noted the peculiar appearance and behavior of one of the beloved dairy cows, No. 671.
“No. 671 is one of my favorite cows — I visit her often, so I knew instantly that something was off,” Ship said.
“There she was, plain as day, standing on two legs. Her spots were shifting colors in the sunlight, and she was stooped over an astronomy textbook the entire time that I was watching her. It’s as if she was reading it!”
Ship continued to describe, in a hushed tone, the behavior
of another cow, No. 42.
“No. 42 is, like, the chillest gal; she’s usually just munching on grass and trying to get pets from students,” Ship said. “That Friday, she was prancing in circles around a desktop monitor. Where did she even get one?? Anyways, she looked pretty locked in, mooing at the screen and just acting really strangely. Like, communicating with it? I don’t know, I’ve never seen a cow do that before.”
These two cows, however, are not the only creatures that have been investigated as “potentially extraterrestrial,” according to an official log of observations published by NASA. A squirrel and a student were apprehended on March 21 for exhibiting similarly bizarre patterns of behavior.
“I was the one who saw the squirrel first,” Jalien Jamison, a third-year cognitive science major, said. “It was completely yellow, like a dandelion, and way bigger than all the other squirrels. Plus, it had a little backpack and an apple watch
around its tail. Weird stuff, man.”
While the squirrel was immediately taken to a special enclosure at the Dairy Cattle Facility to join the two suspected cows, apprehending the “student” was a greater challenge than university researchers — and NASA officials — anticipated.
In an interview with UC Davis Professor of Mathematics Astro Steve, Steve described the bizarre actions of the “student” and that of another suspicious individual who was captured and later released on March 28 due to lack of evidence.
“King Julien is one of my best students, like an out-ofthis-world genius,” Steve said.
“He walked into class and I immediately knew something was awry. He was wearing a tropical party hat instead of his usual baseball cap, and sandals — with socks! Plus, he was carrying this giant scepterlooking thing.”
Steve continued to describe how authorities came into the
classroom and led Julian away, as he repeatedly exclaimed
“Hello hello!” at passersby and frequently skipped away from the researchers. Another student in the class, who had begun making strange noises and jumping around in their chair while Julien was being led away, was also taken by NASA officials as a precautionary measure.
The California Aggie was able to reach the now-released student for comment.
“Can I not say ‘gliggity’ anymore?” the offended student, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Aggie.
“Can I not jump around if I feel like it? Why does that immediately brand me as an alien?? Where is your whimsy? I was dragged through the investigative process for no reason, had to sign a million NDAs and given the smallest room in the Segundo dormitories to stay in for the week. Seriously unfair.”
He then winked, smiling from ear to ear.
“Well, at least I got a free
pass to not attend classes for a week,” he said, smirking. In a surprising twist in the investigation — and one that wholly confirmed the scientist’s suspicions of the presence of extraterrestrial lifeforms — one of the cows, No. 42, morphed into their original form to provide an exclusive interview at a press conference held on April 1.
Hailing from the planet Agoob and speaking the language “Agooble,” the alien representative explained that the “Agoobers” had arrived on Earth from the vast corners of the galaxy. At the press conference, university scientists uncovered the motivation behind their arrival at the cow facility and why they chose the humble town of Davis as their first — and only — destination.
“We come in peace,” the Agoober, formally known as Ufo Ufo, said. “We have come to study our gods — what you call cows — as there is an abundance of these magnificent creatures here. In fact, for eons, cows have
appeared in our visions and our ancient texts as beings capable of interdimensional travel, carrying the language of the stars in their spots. It’s a code we have come to study, and one that we will crack in due course.” Ufo Ufo then handed the university’s lead research scientist a miniature sculpture of a cow. The size of a tennis ball, this statue was made of a mysterious, glowing metal that UC Davis geologists are currently holding under investigation.
“Please accept this as an apology for impersonating the wildlife here on this planet,” Ufo Ufo said, gesturing at the miniature cow. “All creatures that we morphed into are alive and well. We only wanted to better understand the lifeforms here on Earth — to appreciate the peculiarity of your species.” As of time of publication, the Agoobers are continuing to study the Davis cows in collaboration with UC Davis researchers and NASA specialists. Only time will tell if the cows truly hold the secret to the universe.
Student researchers reveal they actually have no idea what they are talking about
They are reading over their publication with the same confusion as you
BY KATIE HELLMAN science@theaggie.org
As a tier-one research university, it makes sense that UC Davis attracts students with their sights set on joining a research lab. Whether that be STEM majors wanting to get into cell culturing, computer science majors interested in neural networking or environmental science majors excited to become involved with fieldwork, students jump at the opportunity to delve into a subject that interests them (and hopefully earn a publication in the process). Reading these publications in prestigious, peer-reviewed journals might make unpublished, lab-less students seethe with jealousy. When did everyone else get so much experience? Why weren’t they the ones who got to dedicate hours of their day to unpaid
labor? How did they sound so smart?
If these qualms sound like yours, reader, don’t fret —it seems as if some of these undergraduate researchers, upon careful analysis, actually have no idea what they are talking about.
If you have ever come across a research article consisting of a myriad of scientific terms and indecipherable phrases and thought to yourself, “I have absolutely no idea what that means,” you are not alone.
A third-year student majoring in aerospace engineering recently had his work published in a paper titled, “Application of Fluid Dynamics in the Construction of SolarFueled Propellers for Space Aircrafts.” When questioned about the research this student conducted and what inspired his passion for the topic, he repeatedly shrugged and avoided eye contact. “I don’t know,” the student
said. “I just like airplanes.”
Another student, a fourthyear majoring in psychology, was excited to present the project that she had worked on for the entirety of the school year. She claimed her work was “monumental” and “groundbreaking.” Her research focused on the analysis of different musical frequencies and how they affect brain function.
“I did a lot of data collection and stuff,” she said. “And I made some pretty nice graphs based on the colors I saw on the brain scans. Academically, I don’t really know what’s going on. But philosophically, the whole thing is just kind of based on vibes.”
It is expected, of course, for there to be a learning curve when students are introduced to this realm of academia. However, there are some situations which should, perhaps, prompt a student to reconsider their extracurriculars.
A first-year wildlife, fish
and conservation biology major was interviewed regarding her work restoring the habitats of salmon in Northern California rivers. She was asked if she could describe her work running assays, which are experimental procedures often used to determine the concentration of an analyte for biomarker identification.
“Assays?” she reportedly said. “I haven’t written one of those in forever. I’m a biology major, not a writing major.”
Although unconfirmed, a source reported that they saw a group of nearby Ph.D students shaking their heads in shame.
The principal investigator (PI) of this student’s study was interviewed as well.
“She usually just restocks the pipettes,” the PI stated. “Sometimes, she comes in and knocks them over by accident. Honestly, I kind of forgot she was in this lab.” Nevertheless, despite all the
mispronounced terminology and inconclusive experimental results one may face, research experience can be a crucial academic stepping-stone to a student’s future career and a great way to build confidence, resilience and patience.
“I made some cool
discoveries today,” a secondyear pre-med student remarked as he exited his lab at the UC Davis Medical Center, his face glowing. “I can’t tell you what they are. Like, I literally could not tell you. But they are going to be revolutionary.”
UC Davis adds new NCAA sport
Competitive napping on the rise across college campuses
BY DANIELLE
As spring quarter starts up for students, a new sport is on the rise: competitive napping. Students are encouraged to try-out for the Division 1 team. Competitive napping has four different categories for students to try-out for: speed-sleeping, inconvenient napping, marathon napping and power-naps.
Student-
to stay asleep for at least 15 minutes. A student is considered “disqualified” from the round of competition if they failed to stay asleep for at least 15 minutes. Student-athletes should strive to fall asleep within 3 minutes if they want to be considered as a starter.
athletes, regardless of their year, are encouraged to try-out and represent their school in these competitions.
The recruitment process tests students in the middle of day, keeping in mind student schedules as well as the increasing temperature in the spring at UC Davis. The students are timed to the hundredth of a second, exemplifying the importance of getting the exact time for napping and testing the student athletes’ ability to sleep.
Speed-napping assesses the athletes’ ability to fall asleep as fast as possible and
The record time for a student athlete to fall asleep under the “speed-napping” category so far is 2 minutes and 15 seconds, which is a high standard, but not entirely unachievable.
Inconvenient napping assesses the athletes’ ability to fall asleep in a variety of situations that would be considered “inconvenient” for most nappers: a bright lecture hall, hammocks along a major pathway and a triple dorm room with at least one other roommate home.
“I played varsity soccer so I know a thing or two about training,” he explained.
Even after I pointed out the strict training regimen and years of practice professional athletes undergo, he seemed rather unfazed.
Marathon napping tests how long student athletes can remain asleep during midday, rather than focusing on naps later in the day. Marathon napping student athletes should strive to remain asleep for at least 45 minutes.
This minimum allows student athletes to border between napping stages and sleep. A nap is considered under 90 minutes, meanwhile sleep is considered between seven and nine hours.
Power-napping tests the student athletes ability to time their napping length as accurately as possible. The time to match is a 25-minute power nap, where student athletes must be able to wake up exactly at the 25-minute mark.
The closest record to the exact time would be 23:37.026, so the recruitment team is still looking for a student athlete to beat it.
Power-napping is considered to be the most difficult aspect of the competitive napping sport, as it requires athletes to time exactly how long they can sleep, as well as how long it takes to fall asleep.
Recruitment and try-outs for the napping time are occurring during the first two weeks of the spring quarter, with times and more information posted on the UC Davis Athletics Department website. Competitive napping on the whole is increasing in popularity, and will see more events during May, with the ability for students to watch the competitions.
Bright lecture halls allow the student athletes to be tested on their ability to fall asleep in different times of day, as well as the comfort of sleep conditions. Hammocks allow testing for inconsistent noises and activity level, mainly focusing on the presence of conversation. A triple dorm room with at least one roommate present allows for the test of a high comfort level along with consistent noise level, focusing on noises other than talking.
the same survey question. One responder, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, let us interview him regarding his rather optimistic response. We initially asked him to explain his answer and provide us with some insight into why he was confident he could score against Williams. “I feel like, if the match was long enough, she would probably make a mistake at some point,” he said. When asked if he was aware of William’s accomplishments and skill as one of the greatest tennis players of all time, he acknowledged her achievements. “She’s like one of the best female players, for sure,” he said, quick to point out his own advantages. “I hit the ARC hella… I bench basically 140 [lbs].” He added that he had also started running recently, clocking an impressive 11 minute mile. “I think after I cut, I’ll be able to run a 5K in like 30 minutes, no problem,” he said. A few years before the survey, Williams had inadvertently put this idea to the test in a YouTube video where she served against a group of five men. After one man failed to return her serve, he was heard in the background stating that “she put some spin on it,” as he was surprised “it was further out than I was ready for.” When asked if he thought he could win a game against any female tennis player, our respondent was skeptical, but didn’t rule it out completely. “I think after some training, if I played enough girl players, I could maybe win one or two games,” he said.
