THE ACCURSED MOUNTEBANKS: a weekly comedy zine issue #4
Our special “Movie Review” issue!
The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) - Geena Davis has a filthy mouth. So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993) - You know what? There she DOES go again. Easy A (2010) - Really? All that over the word 'twat?' The Other Guys (2010) - I like The Little River Band. The Losers (2010) - It's a bit much. The Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009) - Foxes dance weird. The Green Hornet (2011) - Don't go dragging Digital Underground into this! Starship Troopers (1997) - Amy Smart stars in the worst prequel to Super Troopers imaginable. Land of the Dead (2005) - I guess those pies didn't work, zombie Tom Savini, did they? Dinner for Schmucks (2010) - I might have missed it, but did ANYONE say the word "schmuck?" Cut Throat Island (1995) - Totally works without sound and a drunk guy yelling about birds next me at the bar. True Grit (2010) - I saw his other eye move when he was laying in bed.
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985) - That's not how you pronounce 'gasoline.' The Road Warrior (1981) - Where'd they get all those feathers? Mad Max (1979) - That leg is going to get infected. Astroboy (2009) - A whole lot of people sure did die. Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) - Was that Nixon? Legion (2010) - Caleb Temple? Machete (2010) - Why do they keep pronouncing it that way? Aliens (1986) - Vagina. Doghouse (2009) - Hey, that's the kind of razor I use! Revolver (2005) - Why am a suddenly furious at Kabbalah? Strange Days (1995) - Not one single person mentioned the Y2K virus. Daybreakers (2009) - Since when do heart monitoring wires not melt? Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983) - I could go for some corn. Brewster’s Millions (1985) - I would also like to choke Rick Moranis.
Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989) That's not how time travel works. Shaun of the Dead (2004) - He's not going to be able to get that red out. The Horde (2009) - Why are so many zombies flocking to an abandoned projects? Are they looking for HUD? Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassins’ Ball (2006) - I bet they get better actors for the sequel. Escape From New York (1981) - Isn't that what Broadway looks like now? Thor (2011) - I bet that 7-Eleven had some stale-ass nachos. Highlander (1986) - I didn't know Ramirez was a Scotch/Egyptian name. Trollhunter (2010) - These troll rules seem arbitrary. The Shadow (1994) - Lamont Cranston probably laughs so much because he hangs out with Peter Boyle all the time. Cool World (1992) - If the only law is "no boning real people," then why do they have all those Poppers?
Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010) - I could never be able to afford one of those watches. From Paris With Love (2010) - Oh, it was like what he said in Pulp Fiction.
Night Watch (2004) - That's a pretty good episode of Buffy. Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988) - This movie is aptly named. 500 Days of Summer (2009) - I love Ringo Starr. Wayne’s World 2 (1993) - That seems a little late in life to get your firs pube. He should probably go to a doctor. Back to the Future (1985) - So, how does Doc Brown know Marty again? Wayne’s World (1992) - Everyone seems a little too excited about this girl, especially since she's just in a cover band. Limitless (2011) - That's WAY too many production companies. Freddy vs. Jason (2003) - I don't think Kruger thought this out. Winnebago Man (2009) - People at a found footage festival don't like Dick Cheney. How was that difficult to explain? The Trip (2010) - Oh, it's the British version of "Grown Ups." Slither (2006) - Just chillin' with my infant, watchin' Toxic Avenger. Final Destination (2000) - Look out, you guys! It's The Candyman!!!
Gremlins (1984) - DAMNIT, COREY FELDMAN! YOU'RE LIEING ON THE COMIC BOOK!!! Day of the Dead (1984) - Actually, Latinos are generally considered to be brown. You're thinking of Asians. Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011) I forgot how apt of a metaphor chess can be for explosions and automatic rifles. Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) How many ominous things do you have to hear before you realize HE WANTS TO MURDER YOU! The Hangover Part II (2011) - See, even monkeys like The Rolling Stones. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986) That's a pretty good price for those electronics. House 2: The Second Story (1987) - Wait. Dinosaurs didn't live at the same time as people. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) - You know, he doesn't have to yell "Flame on!" Blade (1998) - I don't know. I bet if they DICED him, The Quinn Man probably wouldn't keep on coming. Brazil (1985) - This movie has everyone! Bilbo Baggins, Eddie Valiant & that one character Robert DeNiro always plays...
Punisher: War Zone (2008) - I would think you'd want to keep the fact that you used to be a dirty cop under your hat. Wanderlust (2012) - Tells the wonderful story of a beautiful world where there are no bras. Should have sent a poet. Independence Day (1996) - Is EVERYONE in this movie a pilot? Casino (1995) - I bet this movie caused a lot of fights between Dicky and Tom. A-Team (2010) - So many catchphrases. How about just talking like three normal people and a weirdo? Detention (2011) - The Incredulous What of Huh? Man of the Year (2006) - Worst Saturday Night Live ever. Dredd (2012) - This movie needed just a little Rob Schneider. Police Academy (1984) - Say what you will, the experience did turn his life around. Iron Man (2008) - He does whatever an iron can. Lockout (2012) - Isn't this kind of the plot to Escape From LA? Fire and Ice (1983) - Really? Not even a LITTLE nudity?
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