The Accursed Mountebanks Presents The Complete and Total Encyclopedia of Universal Knowledge vol. 1

Th e Ac c u r s e dM o u n t e b a n k s p r e s e n t s TheCompl et eandTot al

Enc yc l opedi aofUni ver s alKnowl edge vol .

1

I n f o r ma t i o nb yDo u gDr i e s e lJr .

Eatgr av y.Lot s , andl ot s ,ofgr av y!

Age Ag e-

1.Li f e' sf unny.Asyougr ow ol der ,youl os es i ght oft hei mport antt hi ngs .Li ket hepl otofJes usChr i s t Vampi r eHunt er .C' es tl avi e.

2.Is aw abandt hats ai d," I fi t ' st ool oud,you' r e t oool d.

"Then,t heypl ayedHi tMeWi t hYourBes tShot .

As t r o l o g yYouknow whatt heys ayaboutas t r ol ogy?I t makesanas soutoft r ol ogy. r d sS h o wsAwa Whenevert heydoanawar ds how f ornat ur al di s as t er s ,t heyal wayshi r et hes amewr i t erf ort he s how:BruceaVal anc he.

Ba n ksEveryc hor eogr apher ' spi nnumberi s5678.

Ba t h r o o msDoyout hi nkt hatt hepeopl ewhoar eagai ns t uni s exbat hr oomsar et hi nki ngaboutuni CYCLEbat hr ooms ?

Be a r sBear sar enat ur e' smos tador abl emur der er s .

Bi b l eVe r s e sNumber s15: 2" And,l o,Deput yVanHal endi d s ay:' Wef oundyourkeys .I fyouwant' em,bet t ercome andget' em! ' Andi twasgood. "

Drugs Ca n d yNes t l el os tt hel egalcl ai mt ot hes hapeoft heKi t Katbar .So,l ookoutf ormynew candybarcal l edMC SkatKat .I t ' smar ket edexcl us i vel yt oSoundcl oud r apper s ,andi ns t eadofc hocol at e,i t ' sdeerf eces .

Ca r n i v a l sFai r ' sf ai r .Andi t ' sal s oacarni val .

Ce l e b r i t y1.IdoubtPi er ceBr os nanhass t r ongopi ni ons aboutmus i calcombi nat i onTheOut l aws ,butIbethe' s wr ong.

2.St ar s .They' r ej us tl i keus .Theycr i edt hems el vest os l eepl as tni ght .

Co f f e eSt ar buc kscof f eei nCal i f orni amus thavecancer warni ng,j udges ays .St i l lnowarni ngaboutt err i bl e cof f ee,huh?

Co mmo nS a y i n g sWhens omet hi ngbor i ngi shappeni ngIyel lout , " That ' sas pi cel es smeat bal l ! " Cu r r e n tEv e n t sWhys os er i ous ?Oh,r i ght .Al lt hedeat h.

Dr u g sMyf avor i t edeepf r i edopi at ei sahus hpoppy.

Food Fo o d1.I ncas eyou' r ewonder i ng,Ij us ts ai dal oud" I ' l l j us tgets omeHar dee' s ,becaus eIdon' tevengi veas hi t anymor e. " 2.Cr anappl ej ui cei swhathappenswhenyou mi xcr anberryj ui ce,appl ej ui ce,andhat r ed.

3.I ' m eat i ngc hees ewi t hc hi pot l esi ni t .Becaus e Idon' tl i kemybut t hol et oknow WHATt odo.

Fo o t b a l lIhavenevers eenaKans asCi t yRoyal sf ant hat doesnotal s owears oc kswi t hs andal s .

Fr e n c hFr i e sJul y13t hi sNat i onalFr enc hFryDay,wher ewe s etas i det i met or ememberal loft hef r enc hf r i est hat f el l . . .bet weenyours eatandcent ercons ol e.

Fu c kb o i sIhear dt hatwhenal lt hef uc kboi sdi s appear ed f r om Roanoke,t heyf ound,car vedi nt oat r ee,t hewor d " Br oat oan. " He a l t h1.Anew s t udys howst hatpl at ypusmi l kmi ght bet heans wert oant i bi ot i cr es i s t ant" s uper bugs . " Whi c ht ot al l yexpl ai nswhyI ' vebeens uc ki ngont hos e pl at ypust i t t i es . . . yeah.THAT’ Swhy!

2.I nhi ghs c hool ,Iki s s edas etoft wi nsand caughts t er eo.

I nt ernet 3.Me:Ihearyou' r enotf eel i ngwel l .I ' ms orry.

Cowor ker :I t ’ snotyourf aul t .Me.Thatyouknow of .

4.Mybowelmovement shavebecomeerr at i c.

Noti nf r equency,buti nl ocat i on.

Hi p s t e r sI ' ms ocoolIdon' thaveabi gs cr eenTV,Ihavea s i l ks cr eenTV. Ho l i d a y s1.Las tyear ' sSecr etSant aatmyof f i ces t i l lhas yett ous et hos es excouponsImadef orher .

2.MerryChr i s t mast oal l ,andt ooal ladry handj ob!

Hy g i e n eTheycal lmeMI STERBear dDandruf f !

I c eCr e a m1."

Youwannagetnut s ?!Let ' sgetnut s !

"Mi c haelKeat onor der i ngas undaewi t haf r i end.

2.Bl ueBel li cecr eam hasr eveal edanew f l avor : Chocol at ePeanutBut t erCooki eDough.I fi ts el l swel l , t heypl anonf ol l owi ngi tupwi t ht hei rnew f l avor : ChunksofLar ds pl os i on.

I n t e r n e tTheys houl dmakea" wher ear et heynow"l i s t i cl e aboutmykeys .

Jobs Jo b sIt hi nkI ' dbepr et t ygoodatdr es s i ngupl i kea mons t erands car i ngt eenager sawayf r om abandoned amus ementpar ks .

Ma r i j u a n aIbel ongt oanor gani zat i ont hatmai l sweedt o AbuDhabi .I t ' scal l edNERML. Ma t hAbacusandCos t el l o.I st hatat hi ng?

Ma yt h e5t hI nhonorofSt arWar sday,Ij us ts hotacr edi t or i nabar .

Mi l l e n n i a l s" Oh,dear .I ' vegott hevapes !

"-Mi l l eni al Sout hernBel l eexas per at edabouts omet hi ng Mo n e yI fyou' veneverwor kedacas hr egi s t erj ob,I ' l l j us tl etyouknow:Thei ns i deofacas hr egi s t ers mel l s l i keEVERYONE' Sas s .

Mo v i e s1.Amovi eaboutr obot swhof al li nl ovewi t h Gwynet hPal t r ow andal s oi tt as t esl i kej al apeno popper s .

2.AmberAl ert :Fuc ki ngdi nos aur sar ebac k!

Mus i c 3.

Br eakf as tatTi mpani ' ss t arr i ngAudr ey Hepdrum 4.Ij us tr eadal i s t acl et hatcl ai medBobHos ki ns wasonboar df orWhoFr amedRogerRabbi t2.That ' s goi ngt obeones pookyas smovi e!

5.I fIevergots t uc konMar sl i keMat tDamon, I ' ds pendmyl as thour swr i t i ngt hewor d" Quai d"on j us tabouteveryt hi ng.

6.Themos tunr eal i s t i ct hi ngaboutBi l l& Ted' s Excel l entAdvent ur ei st hei deat hatwewoul dEVERbe excel l entt oeac hot her .

7.Wr i t i ngal i s t i cl e" Al lt heNi ght mar eonEl m St r eetMovi esRankedf r om Wor s tt o Not Qui t eas BadBut St i l l BadHol yShi t I s That Ros anne. " 8.Zombi eDom DeLui s es t ar si nCanni balRun. Mu s i c1.Thi sl i neofpeopl eont hes t r eet scan' tpos s i bl y r eal i zet hatt hey' r ewai t i ngt ogeti nt oapi anobar .

2.*NSYNCi sget t i ngas t aront hewal koff ame.

I tj us tgoest os how t hatanyt hi ngi spos s i bl ei fyou know Jus t i nTi mber l ake.

3.Amanwass t ungbyas cor pi ononaUni t ed Ai r l i nesf l i ght .Nowor dyetonwhi c hmemberoft he s emi nal80smet albandwast hecul pr i t .

Mus i c 4.Conver s at i ont hatj us thappenedi nmycar :" Don' tyouhat e3Door sDown?""

Oh,yeah. "*c hanges r adi os t at i on*Al s o,I ' m al onei nmycar .

5.DoyouKI SSyourarmywi t ht hatmout h?

6.I ' m" gui t ars ol osar ej us tabunc hofnoi s e" year sol d.

7.Kar aokeni ght sar eagr eatr emi ndert hat everyonebutmehast err i bl et as t ei nmus i c.

8.ModerndayAxlRos el ooksl i keat rus t af ar i an at e1989BobcatGol dt hwai t .

9.Myi mpr es s i onofFol kr oc kt rubadoi rBec k,i f hewer eas ovi ets pyi nt he80s :" I ' vegott wot urnt abl es ands omemi cr of i c he. " 10.Nobodywr i t esas ongaboutt heHeatoft he Momentqui t el i keAs i a.

11.Pi anoBarThought s :I fIwant edt ohear s omeonebut c heraJoeWal s hs ong,I ' dj us tl i s t ent oJoe Wal s h.

12.Ri ngoSt arrhasbeenkni ght edbyPr i nce Wi l l i am.Igues st heycoul dn' tgetPet eBes t .

13.Weaki npi ct ur es ,t heKar enCar pent ers t ory.

14.What ' st henameoft heBl ueOys t erCul ts ong t hat ' saboutmeburni ngf oryou?

Quot es Na z i sSci f iwr i t er sl i ket ot al kaboutr eani mat i ng Hi t l er ' sbr ai nl i kei tdoes n' thaveabul l ethol ei ni t .

Gas p!Theywantt of uc kHi t l er ' sbr ai n Op e nCa r r yNi cegunonyourhi p,guyi nWal mart .Whati s t hat ?ASmi t handAs s hol e?Remmi ngdouc h?Col tFor t ySmal lPeni s ?

Pe d o p h i l i aJenni f erConnel l ywaspr et t yyoung,s oi s " Jar et hf r om Subway"at hi ng?

Qu o t e s1."

Theonl yt hi ngneces s aryf ort het r i umphof Eveli sf ort her et onotbe,l i ke,apebbl eont her amp,or s omet hi ng.

"-EdmundBur ke 2.Behi ndeverys ucces s f ulmani sabut t .

3.I t ' smor el i keadogeatdogf oodwor l d.

4.Maybei twasAr i s t ot l ewhos ai d," 9/ 11wasan i ns i dej ob. " 5.Thos ewhodonotl earnf r om hi s t oryar e doomed.DOOMED! 6.Youei t herdi eaher oorl i vel ongenought oget cancer .

Race Ra c eSomebodyj us tr emi ndedmet hatI ' m whi t e,s o I ' m goi ngt os t arts ayi ng" What ' st hemeani ngoft hi s ! ?" awhol el otmor e.

Re l a t i o n s h i p sSo. . .

I st her eaMI STERBr i deofFr ankens t ei n?

Re l i g i o n1.Whencomment i ngonTrump,PopeFr anci s s t at ed," Ineverj udgebef or el i s t eni ngt ot heper s on. " Addi ng:" I fyouus eacondom,yougot oHELL" 2.Jus tpas s edaguyont hes t r eetwi t has i gn t hats ai df r eepr ayer .Pr ayerhasbeenoper at i ngunder t herul eofChi naf ort ool ong!

S a t u r d a yNi g h tLi v eTheot herday,Ial mos tf or gotaboutChar l es Roc ket .

S c i e n c eNewl ydi s cover edf os s i l ss ugges ts omeDi nos aur s wal kedl i kecr ocodi l es .Mor ef os s i l s ,di s cover edbyThe Bangl es ,s ugges ts omet hi ngdi f f er ent .

S e x-

1.Ionl yf uc kwhenI ' ms i c k.Yougot t acoughi f youwantt ogetof f .

2.Youknow whatt heys ay:I t ' snott hes i zeof t heboatt hatmat t er s ,i t ' st hes i zeofyourdi c kt hat mat t er s .

TV S l o g a n sMaybes he' sbornwi t hi t .Whi c hwoul dmakeher anXMan S o c i a lLi f eOneoft heLi t t l eRas cal swasnamedSpanky.

Sorry," Li t t l eRas cal s "i swhatwecal l edourBDSM cl ub i ncol l ege.

S p a c eIj us twantt obeabl et os ay" Ipoopedont he moon"andmeani t .

S t y l eI ' vegotaverys peci f i cl ook.Al ookt hats ays , " f i xedgearbi cycl emec hani c. " Te c h n o l o g yWhenIdi e,Iwantmyt ombs t onet or ead:Her e l i esDougDr i es elJr . ,don' tf or gett hati Tunesmakes dupl i cat ecopi esofyours ongs .

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TV-

1.Ij us ts aw avodkacommer ci alwher eawoman waseat i ngaburr i t ol i keaf uc ki ngmani ac.It hi nkI ' m i nl ove.

2."

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TV 3."

Arm andaLeg"Apr ocedur aldr amaabouta bi gci t ycor onerwhoowest hezombi emobmoney,and i spayi ngt hem bac kwhi l es ol vi ngcr i mes .

4."

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5."

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7."

You' r et heWur s t "Anew r eal i t ys how wher e 12beaut i f ul20s omet hi ngsl i vei nahous eandt ryt o f i gur eoutwhoi sact ual l yas aus age.

8.Boy,t heGoodf eat her sar eawei r di deaf or ki dscart oonc har act er s .

9.Imayneverknow l ove,butIs ur edoknow t he t hemes ongt oAddamsFami l y.

10."

Dr opofaHat "Ass ecr etcamer asf ol l ow SamuelL.Jac ks onar ound,cont es t ant srunupand knoc khi sKangolof f .Loudes t" mot herf uc ker "wi ns .

Vi l l a i n yI ' ms t art i ngaKi c ks t art ert ot urnacas t l ei n Madr i di nt omyevi l . . . er . . .

Imean. . .

CHAOTI CNEUTRAL l ai r .Yeah.That ' si t !

Wr es t l i ng We d d i n g sAl wayst hebr i des mai d,nevert hegi antmec hani call i zar dt hatki l l sGodzi l l a.

We i g h tLo s sWal ki ngi shar d.Igot t api s sof fagyps y!

Wr e s t l i n gWhenGl ennJacobsperf ormedatI s aacYankem DDS,di dhepumphi ms el fupbef or emat c hesbys ayi ng, " Phys i ci an,heelt hys el f ?"

LAUNCH YOURSELF INTO SPACE! Leave the world behind and live amongst the stars! And don’ t forget the aliens you’will meet!

Is h ou l dh a v es u p p ort e d p a t re on . c om/ d ou g dri e s e l j r a n dIwou l dn otbe u n de rwa t e r.