CLAN OF THE RED WOLF Episdoe Ten: Mama Mia! by Doug Driesel Jr.
BLACKNESS SNAKES (subtitled for hissing) -What’s that elf doing? -He’s slowly descending on a rope, duh. -Way to be a douchebag, Stan. -F#@ck you, Charles. F#@ck you and the horse you slithered in on. -He’s just said what we’re all thinking, Charles. FADE IN: INT. SNAKE PIT - NIGHT The SNAKES hiss around the PILE OF BODIES. suspended by a rope, over the bodies. BOB Shhh, snakes. sneaky.
BOB hangs,
I’m trying to be
The GHOST OF DRAGON MASTER appears, floating in the air near Bob. Bah!
BOB It’s the ghost of the CHUD!
GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Once again, Buddy, I’m not a CHUD. BOB But you’re a ghost? GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Yes, I am. BOB Then I will take revenge on the nerdy cop from Kuffs! GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER That wont be necessary. BOB But I must avenge your death! GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Just calm down.
2.
BOB Chachi! GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Calm. BOB Mirachi! GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Calm. BOB Bah. GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER There we go. Remember, when we first met, I said you had a destiny? BOB You never said that!
No!
GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Well, you do. And that destiny is you must find Prince Vortan the Beloved, and bring him back to the Kingdom of Funnel Cake. Then, and only then, can you and your friends make it back home. Beat. BOB What about Mr. Badger? GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Fine. Ghost of the Dragon Master zaps Mr. Badger’s corpse. Badger body springs back to life.
The
BOB Yay! GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Now, let’s get going. Bob grabs Mr. Badger. He, Mr. Badger and The Ghost of the Dragon Master ascend from the pit. Beat.
3.
LION and LIONESS walk into the pit. LION (subtitled from roaring) It’s right over here. LIONESS (subtitled from roaring) Hold on. I thought you said you had a dead badger here. Gasp. That was just a line! LION I swear. It was here.
No.
LIONESS I’m leaving!
You cad! Lioness leaves. Dudes!
LION What the hell?
SNAKES -Dude, we’re not your servants. -Don’t take it out on him just because we all think you suck, Charles. -F#@k you, Stan. Beat. SNAKES We all hate you. LION You guys all suck! get lucky. Beat. SNAKES Not likely. LION Sigh.
I was about to
4.
INT. BACK ROOM - NIGHT TUESDAY, boobs glowing under her shirt, PRISCILLA, very pregnant, CRAIG HELMETSTEIN and THE DAVE THOMAS TRIO AS DOVES, sit around a wooden table. A small orb of light swings a little over the table. TUESDAY Things have really turned to shit. Grrr... PRISCILLA We have to take action. This Baby is destroying the kingdom I helped build for a couple of months. Then came the eating. PRISCILLA’S BABY (O.S.) I must have meat! PRISCILLA The terrible eating. CRAIG While I don’t agree that a direct confrontation is the way to go, action needs to be taken. TUESDAY As much of an ass that he was, I think we need to free Alex. He was the greatest king that Funnel Cake has ever known, or so I hear. I was only around for the last guy and this guy. He’s definitely better than the two them. CRAIG Let’s sneak through the castle and beat up guards while listening to jazz. The doves play jazz while cooing. PRISCILLA Won’t that let them know we’re coming? CRAIG Sure, but they won’t know that we’re a danger to them.
5.
CRAIG(cont'd) You know, nothing bad has ever happened while jazz is being played. TUESDAY That’s historically inaccurate. Besides, there’s only, like, two guards, and they’re always out eating corn. I’d hate to go through their chamber pots. CRAIG Why would you do that? TUESDAY I wouldn’t. That’s the point. CRAIG It just seems like a weird thing to specifically state. TUESDAY We’re getting sidetracked. CRAIG Yeah, by your obsession with poop. TUESDAY This is why we’re losing. Grrr... You think The Baby is arguing over the little minutia of what everyone says? Beat. PRISCILLA Yes? TUESDAY No, Lady Priscilla. not.
No, they are
Oh.
PRISCILLA Can we break for lunch?
Yes.
PRISCILLA’S BABY Good.
TUESDAY Fine. Let’s break for lunch. When we come back, I want at least three ideas from everyone, re: how to depose The Baby as King of Funnel Cake.
6.
CRAIG I’ve got one right now. TUESDAY We’ve already gone over this, Craig Helmetstien. You are not going to see my jubblies. CRAIG But they’re all glowy. TUESDAY I’m aware of that. time! The jazz stops playing. except Tuesday.
Grrr... Break
Everyone disperses from the table
The Ghost of Dragon Master appears above the table. GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Am I late? TUESDAY It’s a ghost. I hate ghosts, grrr... GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Oh, you hate everything. Now listen. I’m going to tell you about your destiny, and how you’re going to get back home where you...hold on. Are your tas glowing? TUESDAY Yes! Cool. No!
GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Can I see them? TUESDAY Grrr...
GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER If you don’t let me see them, I’m not going to tell you how to depose The Baby. TUESDAY Grrr...
7.
INT. CASTLE - DAY DUNGEON ALEX hangs from his shackles. SKELETON hangs next to him. BLACK KNIGHT stands in front of him. He holds BABY in his arms. BABY I suppose wu awr wondewing what I’m going to do wif wu, Awex the Magnificent. Well, I can’t wightly kill wu, owr youw people will take swift wevenge. But I can’t spend tax paywa money to feed you. ALEX Actually, I’m wondering when you learned to talk. You are adorable. Adorable. SKELETON I second that emotion. BABY Qwuiet, wu! SKELETON Baby’s got an attitude.
Meow.
BABY Sigh. Beat. Yeah.
BLACK KNIGHT Did you just go boom boom?
Beat. BABY Yeah. Gross.
ALEX Gross.
Black Knight puts The Baby down on the ground. BLACK KNIGHT Go have the Respectable Lady give you a change.
8.
Okay. SFX:
BABY I’v be back fow wu waiter.
“DUNGEON DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING” BLACK KNIGHT Yep. ALEX Have you seen any good plays lately? Lately? BLACK KNIGHT No. I don’t get much time to go to the theatre, actually. SKELETON I hear they’re doing Mama Mia at the Royal Garden at Oaksfield. ALEX That’s supposed to be pretty good. Good. BLACK KNIGHT I hear it’s pretty gay. SKELETON Well, duh. ALEX That reporter said the guy who’s playing Harry is luminous. SKELETON Oh, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Always losing his contacts. He also thought the Talis production of The Producers was, and I quote, divine. BLACK KNIGHT I saw that. It was good. SKELETON Are you kidding me? Max Bialystock killed and devoured Leo Bloom midway through the production. BLACK KNIGHT That was my favorite part.
9.
SKELETON How does the courtroom scene work without a Leo Bloom? BLACK KNIGHT So, that wasn’t supposed to happen? ALEX I was in my high school’s production of Rocky Horror Show. Show. SKELETON How tacky. ALEX I was Brad. Asshole. BLACK KNIGHT I bet you’d make a great Brad. I did. Janet.
ALEX I also had sex with the And Columbia. Columbia.
The Ghost of the Dragon Master appears. transformed into a dove.
He has been
GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Coo, Alex, we have to talk about your destiny, coo. SKELETON Oh, my God, a ghost! It’s a ghost. Help me, ghost! Help me, ghost! ALEX You looked at her boobs, didn’t you? You. GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Coo, she showed them to me, yes, coo. The Black Knight clears his throat. ALEX Oh, I’m sorry. Black Knight, this is the Ghost of the Dragon Master. He’s a dove, as well, apparently. Apparently.
10.
BLACK KNIGHT Nice to meet you. GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Coo, likewise, coo. Coo, Alex, your rescue party is on it’s way, coo. ALEX Ix’nay on the escue party’ray in front of the ack Knight’blay. BLACK KNIGHT I can’t understand what you’re saying. That bothers me. The sound of Jazz being played by doves comes from the hallway. SKELETON Oh, good. Jazz. Nothing bad has ever happened while jazz is playing. ALEX That’s hysterically inaccurate. Historically. SFX:
“BABY GETTING BEATEN UP IN A HALLWAY” BABY (muffled through door) Ow. That howts. Stop beating me up, I’m a baby.
Beat. BLACK KNIGHT Well, I’m off. Beat. The Black Knight leaves. GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Coo, you guys want to play twenty questions until the calvery gets here, coo? Sure.
SKELETON Are you famous?
11.
GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Coo, yes, coo. SKELETON Do you live in Funnel Cake? GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Coo, yes, coo. SKELETON You’re The Baby. GHOST OF THE DRAGON MASTER Coo, yes, I am, coo. Sigh.
ALEX Sigh.
The door to the dungeon busts open. in.
Craig Helmetstien barges
CRAIG Alex the Magnificent, I’m Craig Helmetstien, and I’m here to rescue you. That God.
ALEX God.
SKELETON Wow, that was dramatic. I wonder if he’s single.
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