Episode Nine:
CLAN OF THE RED WOLF Ted the Archer's Science Corner (Starring Ted the Archer) by Doug Driesel Jr.
BLACKNESS NEWSREEL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Newsreel, two thousand and eight. Dateline, Hollywood. The aliens have landed, and they’re meeting with celebrity husband turned white rapper, Jay Street, shown here. FADE IN: INT. PRESS ROOM - MODERN TIMES - DAY GRAINY, BLACK AND WHITE NEWSREEL FOOTAGE JAY STREET, a K-Fed want to be, stands face to face with three green MARTIANS. The Martian Leader pulls a ray gun out of his space vest and blows a hole clean through Jay Street. Jay Street falls to the ground. The Martians all smile. NEWSREEL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Woah, nelly, Jay Street. Watch out. You know you can’t trust any of those sneaky Martians. CUT TO: EXT. THREE STORY HOUSE UNDER CONSTRUCTION - DAY GRAINY, BLACK AND WHITE NEWSREEL FOOTAGE A large, three story house, covered in scaffolding, with CONSTRUCTION WORKERS building various areas of said house, sits in a very nice, suburban neighborhood. KING OF FRANCE, FRENCHIE and STRANGLING JOHNNY stand in the front lawn. They smile and wave at the camera. King of France turns and shakes Strangling Johnny’s hand. NEWSREEL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) In more domestic news, The King of France is back in our fair city! Shown here meeting the ex-con construction crew putting the final touches on his temporary home, the King of France is a stand up guy all the way. King of France snaps his fingers in Frenchie’s face. Frenchie produces a DUCK BILLED PLATYPUS. Strangling Johnny accepts the gift.
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NEWSREEL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) That King of France, what a class act. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - LAND OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS - DAY GRAINY, BLACK AND WHITE NEWSREEL FOOTAGE BALCONY THE BABY, FATHER and RESPECTABLE LADY THREE stand on the balcony. A CROWD OF REPORTERS stand underneath. The Baby makes Mussolini hand motions toward the crowd. NEWSREEL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Meanwhile, in a magical land of dragons and mystery, The Chosen Baby has taken over the rule of the land of Funnel Cakes, after usurping the rule of Alex the Magnificent, who most of his subjects agree was a quote: pretty cool guy. CUT TO: INT. LABYRINTHINE SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT TABLE The interior of the Labyrinthine Satyrian Restaurant is identical to the other Satyrian Restaurant, right down to the broken door. TED and MR. FRED, with arrows sticking of him all over, sit at a table. TREBACH WITH MUSTACHE, GRIZLETH WITH MUSTACHE and ZOMBIE B’NOTTRA WITH MUSTACHE, with missing eyeball, stand around a bubbling cauldron in the kitchen. NEWSREEL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Meanwhile, in a nearby labyrinth, Ted the Archer and Mr. Fred Crane McNally Barlow Dodge Nochols Partridge Spitz Andrews Greene Hawkins Washington Banks Terwilliger Fluffers the third, sit in a Satyrian Restaurant-SFX:
“CAT FLYING THROUGH THE AIR”
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NEWSREEL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) --which is completely different from the Satyrian Restaurant-SFX:
“CAT FLYING THROUGH THE AIR” NEWSREEL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) --located half-way between the Kingdom of Funnel Cake and Talis Bridge, the home of the Homeless Trolls of Talis Bridge. Yeah, remember that plot point? Anyway, at this happens. TED I don’t know who I was kidding, Mr. Fred. MR. FRED Ribbit. TED Sorry, “whom” I was fooling. I’m a terrible archer. I’ll be a terrible father. I can’t even finish this stupid quest to go to the center of this stupid labyrinth, to face the stupid Minotaur and his stupid Medusa of a wife and get their stupid Jade Parrot and bring it back to that stupid creepy guy to prove I can be a stupid good father. MR. FRED Ribbit. TED What do you mean you didn’t know that’s why we’re in this crappy labyrinth. Why did you think we were here? MR. FRED Ribbit. Oh, God. awesome.
TED I wish. MR. FRED
Ribbit.
That would be
4.
TED That’s nice of you, Mr. Fred, but the only thing I know how to do is make an ice cube stick to a plate. MR. FRED Ribbit? CLOSE UP OF REAL PEOPLE HANDS PERFORMING DESCRIBED ACTIONS TED (V.O.) You just take the ice cube from your glass, then place it on the plate. Next, take the salt shaker and generously sprinkle salt over the ice cube. Tilt the plate toward its side, and realize that the ice cube is not moving. TWO SHOT MR. FRED Ribbit. TED It’s not magic, Mr. Fred. It’s science. The salt melts the ice, but the cold from the existing ice simultaneously freezes the melted water to the plate. SFX:
“TED THE ARCHER’S SCIENCE CORNER THEME”
Ted and Mr. Fred look upward and around for the source of the singing. They find nothing. TED That was weird. MR. FRED Ribbit. TED I would try it again, Mr. Fred, but I don’t really know any more science tricks. Beat. Hold on.
TED I guess there’s one more.
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CLOSE UP OF REAL PEOPLE HANDS PERFORMING DESCRIBED ACTIONS TED (V.O.) Take a straw from the bucket. Tear off one end of the paper packaging. Take the paper off the stray, being careful to scrunch the paper up like so. Place in a coinvent plate or ash tray. Then, place your straw in your drink. Cover the top of the straw with your finger and remove the straw from your drink. Place the straw over the scrunched up paper and release the liquid stored in the straw. Now watch as the paper “grows” like a snake. TWO SHOT TED See, the paper naturally obsorbs the liquid. As it does so, the paper expands, causing it to seemingly grow. SFX:
“TED THE ARCHER’S SCIENCE CORNER THEME”
Ted and Mr. Fred look around, once more, to find the source of the theme. They find nothing. KITCHEN The Trolls stand around the bubbling cauldron. TREBACH WITH MUSTACHE I say we kill them. GRIZLETH WITH MUSTACHE That’s what you say about everyone. And there’s no foot traffic here, Man. They’re our first customers besides that crazy Jack guy. And all he ever wants is free water and bread. We need their business. TREBACH WITH MUSTACHE Fine. But the next person that comes in here, we kill them. Agreed? GRIZLETH WITH MUSTACHE If it will shut you up.
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ZOMBIE B’NOTTRA WITH MUSTACHE I call their brains. Zombie B’Nottra with Mustache’s nose and mustache fall of and land with a kerplunk in the cauldron. GRIZLETH WITH MUSTACHE When did he get like this? SFX: “TED THE ARCHER’S SCIENCE CORNER THEME ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM” TREBACH WITH MUSTACHE You never pay attention to the day to day running of this place. Maybe that’s why you’re not insane like us. GRIZLETH WITH MUSTACHE Well, excuse me for thinking that advertisement is a successful key to running a business of this type. CUT TO: EXT. LABYRINTHINE SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT The Labyrinthine Satyrian Restaurant sits next to a coffee joint. The outside of the restaurant is covered in dead cat blood with a large pile on the ground in front of it. JACK TORRENCE stands, frozen, with an axe in his hands, inbetween the two establishments. The Trolls stand in front of their restaurant, Zombie B’Nottra still has his nose and mustache. TREBACH WITH MUSTACHE (bad acting) Are you hungry for some tasty food? GRIZLETH WITH MUSTACHE (bad acting) Do you live in the West end of the great labyrinth? ZOMBIE B’NOTTRA WITH MUSTACHE (bad acting) Brains? TREBACH WITH MUSTACHE Then come on down to the Satyrian Restaurant--
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A cat flies through the air and his the restaurant. slides down while the commercial is going on.
It
TREBACH WITH MUSTACHE --right next to the Coffee Joint. GRIZLETH WITH MUSTACHE Two for one gyro Tuesdays. And as always, extra sauce is at no extra charge. ZOMBIE B’NOTTRA WITH MUSTACHE Bring brains. Camera pulls out to reveal HIPPY SKELETON standing in front of them, listening to the commercial the whole time. HIPPY SKELETON Like, you guys sold me, man. INT. LABYRINTHINE SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT TABLE Ted and Mr. Fred sit at the table, which now contains a number of “Mr. Wizard” style experiments. TED You’re right, Mr. Fred. Maybe I suck at being an archer and an adventurer. But there’s one thing I can use to beat the Minotaur and his Medusa wife, and that’s science! Ted stands up dramatically. SFX:
“TED THE ARCHER’S SCIENCE CORNER THEME” TED Mr. Fred Crane McNally Barlow Dodge Nochols Partridge Spitz Andrews Greene Hawkins Washington Banks Terwilliger Fluffers the third, it’s time to retrieve a Jade Parrot...with science!
EXT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - DAY The outside of the doctor’s office looks like a hole in the wall, Mexican clinico, adobe walls and all.
8. The front door is merely an old, scratchy screen door. Letters above the door spell out, “Necromncer,” with a space where the ‘a’ should be. STEVE sits on the ground with his back against the wall. There’s a coffee cup in front of him. Above him, posted on the wall, is a sign that reads, “DON’T FEED THE BUMS BRAINS.” GUARD ONE walks up to the doctor’s office with a body bag slung over his shoulder. STEVE Hey, man, you got any--it’s you! Where the hell have you been? GAURD ONE Holy God! King Steve! you were dead!
I thought
STEVE Well, yeah. Thanks to you and your damn corn festival. Yeah.
GAURD ONE Those were better days.
Whatever.
STEVE I’m not talking to you.
GAURD ONE Okay, then. I’m just going to head inside. STEVE Wait. GAURD ONE What? STEVE Got any change? GAURD ONE Maybe when I come out. I’ve only got large bills right now. STEVE Fine. Ignore your old pal King Steve the Berserk. GAURD ONE It’s nothing personal.
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STEVE Vanquisher of the deadly Old Ladies of the Plains. GAURD ONE I just don’t have any change. STEVE Ender of the terrible reign of Prince Vortan the Beloved. GAURD ONE I never got a chance to tell you, but I liked that guy. STEVE Enemy of the Homeless Trolls of Talis Bridge. GAURD ONE You know, they’re part of the kingdom now. STEVE And really good speller. Fine!
GAURD ONE Here.
Guard One throws change a Steve. GAURD ONE Just stop depressing me. STEVE Yeah, thanks for chucking that at me, jerk. I’ve got the cup right there. GAURD ONE Well, you suck. How about that? STEVE Who’s in the body bag?
Your mom?
GAURD ONE Nice. Jerk. No, it’s the other guard. STEVE Serves him right.
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GAURD ONE You’re just a bitter old zombie, aren’t you? STEVE Not a zombie.
Ah.
Undead.
GAURD ONE Zombies are undead. STEVE I’m not going to argue semantics with a guard who’s terrible at his job. GAURD ONE When are you going to let that go? STEVE I don’t know...how about never! GAURD ONE Well, I’m not going to stand here all day and feel bad about that. I’ve got a friend to reanimate. STEVE Wait. GAURD ONE What!? STEVE He didn’t really use all of his brain did he? GAURD ONE No, he was pretty stupid. STEVE Could I, you know, have some? GAURD ONE Of his brains? STEVE Why the hell not? GAURD ONE Because, the hell, you’re under a sign, the hell, that says not to give you brains.
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STEVE Damn sign. Steve throws his change cup at the sign. It bounces off the sign. Change rains down on him, and he gets hit in the head with the cup. STEVE That’s just great.
Sigh.
GAURD ONE Goodbye forever, Steve. STEVE Wait. GAURD ONE No. STEVE If you help me get my kingdom back, I’ll make you Head of Transportation. GAURD ONE That’s a do nothing job. STEVE It sure is. GAURD ONE Okay. But I’ve got to do this first. STEVE Fine. But he better not bogart all the tasty brains. GAURD ONE You have to drop the whole “brain” thing. STEVE Getting annoying? GAURD ONE A little bit. STEVE Can’t help it. I love ‘em. GAURD ONE I know you do.
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STEVE So tasty. GAURD ONE I gotcha. STEVE Want ‘em in my tummy. GAURD ONE That’s great.
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