CLAN OF THE RED WOLF Episode Eight: Panic Room by Doug Driesel Jr.
BLACKNESS JESUS You got me thrown in here, and now you want me to do you a favor, but you wont even tell me what it is? FADE IN: INT. PRISON - DAY VISITATION GLASS Gray walls surround the visitation area. Desks bisect the room. A phone sits on the side of the high walls in between each area. Bullet proof glass cuts down the middle, separating it into a visitor side and a prisoner side. SLOTH sits on a stool on one side of the glass with a phone to his ear. The other hand hangs down, below the frame. JESUS sits on the other side, in prison blues, with the phone to his ear. Sloth slowly raises his hand to Jesus’ eye line. heroin dangles from the hand.
A bag of
JESUS I’m not going to move that for you. Sloth drops the phone and slowly points a gun to his side. The camera pans out to reveal a kayak sitting in the next visitor stall, at the end of the gun’s barrel. JESUS You wouldn’t. Sloth clicks back the hammer of the gun. JESUS Kayak! Are you alright, sweetie? Don’t do anything crazy. I’ll do what you want. A smile slowly creeps across Sloth’s face. INT. CASTLE - LAND OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS - MORNING GUARDS’ ROOM The Guards’ room is decked out, from head to toe, in corn. Corn posters, corn mini-statues, man-sized cardboard corn cutouts, the works.
2.
GUARD ONE lies in bed, decked out in corn apparel. opens his eyes and smacks his lips.
He slowly
GUARD ONE Oh, man. That was a wild night. I think Respectable Lady Two slipped something in my drink. The camera pans out to reveal a bloody and dead GUARD TWO in bed next to Guard One. GUARD ONE Oh, my God! I’ve killed again! No! (to the heavens) Stanley! Stanley! STANLEY, an elderly janitor, sticks his head in the room. STANLEY What? GUARD ONE Stanley, get the axe. We’ve got to dispose of another body. STANLEY Just throw it on the pile. Stanley pulls in a small wheelbarrow. A pile of DEAD BODIES, containing MR. BADGER, FORMER FLASHER, RESPECTABLE LADY ONE and HERALD, hangs off. GUARD ONE That’s certainly a large pile of dead bodies you’ve got there. STANLEY Busy night. GUARD ONE I guess. You know, I wonder what could have happened last night to cause so many dead bodies? Guard One looks right into the camera. GUARD ONE Flashback! FLASHBACK TO:
3.
INT. CASTLE - NIGHT PANIC ROOM The Panic Room is a small, gray room. Mystical orbs line the walls. Each displays something going on in the castle. Most of them display crazy violence. A book shelf sits against the back wall with several food items on the shelves. ALEX, TUESDAY and THE BABY sit in the room. the orbs.
They stare at
ALEX This is going to take a while. While. TUESDAY You shouldn’t have brought us into the panic room. I want to fight for my man. Bloody coups make me so angry. Grrr... ALEX I do not want you to get hurt. Besides, we need some time to talk. Talk. TUESDAY About what, Sweetheart? ALEX I think we need to see other people. Women. TUESDAY You want me to sleep with a woman? I guess I can do that. Beat. ALEX Okay, let’s do that. Or, wait. me?
TUESDAY Are you breaking up with
ALEX Not any more. More. You jerk!
That.
TUESDAY Grrr...
4.
ALEX I’m willing to compromise. Compromise. TUESDAY We’re through.
No.
ALEX Hear me out. We stay together, but we both have mistresses. And I get to watch. Watch. TUESDAY That’s an awful idea. ALEX Don’t dismiss it out of hand. it some thought. Thought.
Give
Beat. Beat. Beat. Well?
ALEX Well?
TUESDAY No! Grrr... Now I’m glad there’s a bloody coup to depose you. ALEX Now you’re just trying to hurt me. Me. TUESDAY No, now I’m trying to hurt you. Grrr... Tuesday jumps on Alex. SFX:
They both fall off screen.
“TUESDAY BEATING UP ALEX”
Jazz plays over the background. Beat. Tuesday stands back up. bruises.
Alex follows, covered in blood and
5.
TUESDAY You know, there’d be a lot more room for me to beat you up if you hadn’t brought that jazz trio. Camera pans over to reveal the DAVE THOMAS THREE: SKINS, a heroin thin drummer, behind a drum set; THUMP, a zoot suit clad guy behind a stand-up bass; and DAVE THOMAS, the guy from SCTV, playing a trumpet. The band stops playing. DAVE THOMAS Thanks for having us, Alex the Magnificent. It’s a stone cold groove that you’ve invited us to play here tonight. Camera pans back over to Alex, Tuesday and Baby. ALEX You know it, Dave.
Dave.
TUESDAY You’re an ass. ALEX Be that as it may, we need to think of a way out of this bloody coup. Coup. Hit it, Dave Thomas. Thomas. The band strikes back up. ALEX Baby, you’re my top advisor. do you think? Think?
What
The Baby’s eyes roll over to look at Tuesday’s boobs. DAVE THOMAS Hey-oh! ALEX See, that’s why he’s the strategic genius. Baby genius. TUESDAY You’re a pig. You too, Baby. And while I may have an awesome rack, it’s not magical. It can’t help us out of here.
6.
Alex pulls a top hat from off screen. ALEX We’ve never met before, have we ma’am? Ma’am. TUESDAY Of course we have! You just dumped me! Now I hope the coup deposes you. ALEX You’ll note that there’s nothing in the top hat, and that it is an ordinary, no frills, non-magical hat. Hat. TUESDAY Please don’t do this.
Grrr...
Alex reaches into the hat. ALEX The hat was empty a moment ago, but now we see-Alex pulls and ancient looking magic book out the hat. ALEX --magic book. Book. TUESDAY Damnit, Alex. You know I can’t resist you when you do that voodoo that you do so well. ALEX You should get ready, then, because I’m about to cast my first spell. Spell. Alex opens the book. ALEX Klatu barda niktu, Tuesday’s breasts glow beneath her shirt. TUESDAY What did you do? ALEX I enchanted your boobs.
Boobs.
7.
TUESDAY You son of a bitch. ALEX Test them out.
Out.
TUESDAY You’re never seeing these again. ALEX Try it out on Dave Thomas. The music stops. Yes.
DAVE THOMAS Try them out on Dave Thomas.
TUESDAY I hate you. ALEX No you don’t. Don’t. A shot of Tuesday’s back. She lifts up her shirt, exposing her breasts to Dave Thomas. His mouth opens in a gape of astonishment. In a puff of smoke, he turns into a dove and flutters away. SKINS Hey, you hoser! trumpet player.
That was our
Skins and Thump accidently sneak a peak at her chest. bother turn into doves and fly away. TUESDAY Wow. Maybe you should take a look at them. Alex covers his eyes. ALEX Put those enchanted ta-tas away. Boobies. Tuesday pulls down her shirt. TUESDAY Okay, what now? ALEX Quell the rebellion with the amazing power of your rack.
They
8.
TUESDAY Grrr... Tuesday stands in front of the panic room door. behind her.
Alex stands
ALEX Baby, get behind me. This might be too much for you to handle. Handle. Get ready. Ready. TUESDAY I’m ready. Get set.
ALEX Set.
TUESDAY I’m set already, let’s go. ALEX Boobs away. Away. Tuesday lifts her shirt. The glow cause a lens flair on the camera. Alex’s head emerges from behind Tuesday. His eyes wonder downward toward Tuesday’s chest. Suddenly, he grunts and his eyes roll back in his head. Alex sinks to the floor. Tuesday drops her shirt and turns around to reveal the Baby with a bloody knife in his hand. ALEX Et tu, Baby? Baby. TUESDAY Baby, what have you done? FLASHFORWARD TO: INT. CASTLE - MORNING GUARDS’ ROOM Guard One sits in his bed next to a bloody, dead Guard Two. Stanley stands in the door with is wheelbarrow full of bodies. GUARD ONE That didn’t answer any of my questions.
9.
STANLEY Sucks for you. Come on. I know a great place where we can stash these bodies. INT. SNAKE PIT - DAY The SNAKES hang out behind the stack of Mr. Badger, Former Flasher, Respectable Lady One and Herald’s dead bodies. They hiss incessantly. The LION walks on screen. LION (subtitled for roaring) Hey, where the hell did these things come from? SNAKES (subtitle for hissing) We just woke up and they were there. LION Bitchin’. You know, you guys really need to pay more attention. SNAKES Maybe you should stop taking so many bathroom breaks. LION That’s original. Let’s make fun of the lion’s small bladder. Har har, real funny. SNAKES Hey, we’re sorry, man. LION It’s okay. Maybe I’m just overly sensitive about it. SNAKES You mean overly sensitive like your bladder. LION F#@k you.
10.
INT. CASTLE - DAY DUNGEON Alex, with a bloody bandage around his abdomen, hangs by shackles next to the skeleton. SKELETON Long time, no see, Buddy. How have you been? Remember that cousin of mine that I told you about? You know, the hippy that joined the commune? I haven’t heard from him in a while. I’m starting to get a little worried. Beat. SKELETON You know what? You’re right. There’s probably nothing to worry about. What’s the worst that could happen? So, how’s things been by you? Beat. ALEX I hate this place. (MORE)
Place.