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CLAN OF THE RED WOLF Episode Seven: The Babe With the Power by Doug Driesel Jr.

BLACKNESS PAROL LADY (V.O.) Johnathon Fitzpatric, aka ‘Strangling Johnny,’ you’ve come in front of this parol board to review your case, and see if you’ve been rehabilitated enough to re-enter society. FADE IN: INT. PAROL BOARD ROOM - MODERN DAY - DAY The parol board room is in the prison. There are gray, blank, cinder block walls on all sides. A clock sits at the top of the front wall as it ticks away. THE PAROL BOARD, PAROL GUY 1, PAROL GUY 2 and PAROL LADY, sit behind a folding table under the clock. Parol Lady sits in the middle with the guys on either side of her. A small group of ten WITNESSES and AWAITING PAROLEES sit in folding chairs facing the Parol Board. STRANGLING JOHNNY, a large, burly inmate in prison blues, sits up front. PAROL LADY Usually, given the heinousness of your crime and consistent history of violence inside these walls, we would dismiss your request for parol out of hand. However, given the testimony we’ve heard from guards and other inmates as to your past year of outstanding behavior, we’ve decided to take your request under consideration. Before we make our final decision, do you have anything to say on your behalf? Strangling Johnny stands up. STRANGLING JOHNNY Yes, ma’am. I understand that I can never make up for my terrible deeds before and after I entered prison, I can say, I wont be committing any more crime while on the outside. And I owe it all to finding Jesus on the inside. He’s right back there.

JESUS, in prison blues, stands up in the back of the group of witnesses. JESUS You’re doing great, Johnny! Jesus sits back down. STRANGLING JOHNNY Thanks, Jesus. And with his love and guidance, I’ll live a relatively normal life, with no more strangulations. Whatever your decision, I thank you for your time. PAROL LADY Strangling Johnny, we believe that you are sincere in your rehabilitation, and we are granting your parol. The crowd erupts in cheers. STRANGLING JOHNNY Bitchin’! I’m so excited, I could strangle a guy! INT. LABYRINTH - LAND OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS - NIGHT The dirty, solid walls of the dark labyrinth drip and ooze over slight vegetation which has grown, sporadically, on the surface of said wall. TED sits, back against the wall, on the ground of the maze. He scribbles on piece of parchment. SFX:

“SWORD FIGHT” TED My dearest Priscilla, I write to you from the hell that is the labyrinth. This was one fucking bad idea. JACK (O.S.) (yelling in distance) Danny! TED I miss you so much. friends, too.

And all my

TED(cont'd) Alex, the other guy, that younger lady with the awesome cans-JACK (O.S.) Danny! TED --everyone. I’m sure you miss me. And Mr. Fred Crane McNally Barlow Dodge Nochols Partridge Spitz Andrews-JACK (O.S.) Danny! TED --Greene Hawkins Washington Banks Terwilliger Fluffers the third, as well. He’s come in quite handy, like Jesse Ventura in Preditor. Camera pans out to reveal MR. FRED, arrows sticking out of all parts of him, sword fighting with a HIPPY SKELETON. Ted looks up from the letter. TED Give that hippy what for, Mr. Fred. MR. FRED Ribbit. TED Well, I would, but no sword. MR. FRED Ribbit. TED That’s not what that means. JACK (O.S.) Danny! TED What?! JACK (O.S.) I’m coming for you, Danny! TED Well, you can just hurry the hell up and come here, then.

TED(cont'd) Maybe after my frog-man kills you, you can tell us how the hell to get out of here! Ted listens for a beat. back to the letter.

When there is no response, he turns

TED In conclusion, I can’t wait to see you, and greet our child, who I’m sure is well on its way to being born. With regards, Ted the Archer. Ted waits a beat, then crumples up the letter. He throws the ball of parchment at the hippy skeleton. It bounces off. So he throws the pen at the skeleton. It bounces off as well, but causes the skeleton to fall apart. TED Huh. I guess that IS what that means. MR. FRED Ribbit. TED You said it, Mr. Fred. Mr. Fred walks off screen. JACK (O.S.) Danny! TED My name’s not Danny! Beat. JACK (O.S.) Then why did you answer.

Oh.

TED Well, what the hell else was I supposed to do? You wouldn’t shut the hell up! JACK (O.S.) Well? TED Well what?

JACK (O.S.) What’s your name? Mr. Fred walks back with a can of gasoline. TED Ted! JACK (O.S.) It’s nice to meet you, Ted. Jack.

I’m

TED Well, that’s just awesome. Mr. Fred pours gasoline all over the hippy skeleton. JACK (O.S.) I know, right? You want to meet up and get some coffee? TED That sounds great.

Sure.

Where?

JACK (O.S.) There’s a coffee shop right next to the Satyrian restaurant. SFX:

“LIVE CAT FLYING THROUGH THE AIR” TED Where’s that?

Mr. Fred lights a match and tosses it on the skeleton. goes up in flames. JACK (O.S.) Over here on the West side of the labyrinth. TED Which way is West? Wait, why is there a Satyrian resturant-SFX:

“LIVE CAT FLYING THROUGH THE AIR” TED --in the middle of a labyrinth? I know. right?

JACK (O.S.) It’s a bad location,

TED Well, yeah. I mean, there can’t be that much foot traffic. JACK (O.S.) Somehow they stay afloat, though. Mr. Fred pulls a marshmallow out of his pocket. TED Good for them. JACK (O.S.) Well, I’m sure I’ll see you around. TED I’ll take you up on that cup of coffee if we ever get over there. Mr. Fred picks up a stray stick. JACK (O.S.) Sounds like fun. Do me a favor. TED What’s that? JACK (O.S.) If you see Danny-TED Tell him you’re looking for him. JACK (O.S.) -tell him I’m looking for him, yeah. Mr. Fred puts the marshmallow on the stick and sticks it in the fire. TED Will do. Ted turns to Mr. Fred. TED I never want to go to the West side of this stupid thing. Beat. TED Where the hell did you get that?

MR. FRED Ribbit. TED That’s just great. INT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT DINING ROOM The front door to the restaurant hangs off it’s hinges. ALEX, THE BABY, HERALD, MR. BADGER and BOB sit around one of the tables. In the background, TREBACH, GRIZLETH and ZOMBIE B’NOTTRA stand around the large bubbling cauldron in the background. HERALD I think you should take this threat more seriously, Highness. This flasher-TUESDAY Former. HERALD --former flasher, and his fancy new pants, are garnering a lot of underground support. BOB He’s the Gary Busey to your Danny Glover. ALEX You always think I should take things more seriously. Remember the Baby Prophecy. BOB The Predator will cut him in half! HERALD To be fair, King Alex, that was the Dragon Master that always said that. ALEX And where is he now, huh? HERALD He’s dead, sir.

Huh?

ALEX Replaced by a baby.

Baby.

BOB Chachi mirachi! That makes me Bill Paxton! Save me, Mr. Badger. Don’t let him take my spine! ALEX By the way, let’s have a round of applause for The Baby. With him as my new advisor over the last couple of months, I’ve really been able to make a difference. Subtraction. Everyone applauds The Baby. TUESDAY I think what we’re all saying, and I’m sure The Baby will agree... BABY Goo. TUESDAY ...is that if you just take a few minor steps, you can quell the Former Flasher’s well hung, back door insurrection. ALEX Those are some nice pants, though. Though. TUESDAY Oh, God, yes. HERALD I’ve never seen a better pair. BOB They’ll look great covered in blood on a slaughter house floor. Bah! We’ve got to make it cold in here! He sees heat! ALEX About what sort of steps were you thinking? Ponder.

TUESDAY For instance, the rotting corpse of the giant that killed Dragon Master. If we just clean that up... ALEX Actually, I’ve already taken care of that. That. CUT TO: EXT. FIELD - NIGHT PRISCILLA, showing her pregnancy, stands next to THE GIANT’S arm, with a napkin stuffed in the neck of her shirt and a fork and knife in either hand. PRISCILLA It’s not very lady like, but I suppose I am eating for two now, darling. Camera zooms in on her pregnant belly. PRISCILLA’S BABY Yes. Good. Feed me. I desire meat. Bwa-ha-ha-hey, a penny. It’s my lucky day. Now devour this behemoth. Camera zooms back out. PRISCILLA Yes, darling. PRISCILLA’S BABY Excellent. Hey, there’s a quarter in here, too. What the hell, woman? INT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT DINING ROOM ALEX Bottom line, my subjects love me. I don’t think we have much to fear from them. KITCHEN

10.

The three ogres stand around the bubbling, green cauldron. Trebach dutifully stirs it. TREBACH I hate them so much. GRIZLETH Let’s poison them all. No, wait.

TREBACH I’ve got a better idea.

Trebach reaches into the cauldron and pulls out a flyer. green gook slowly slides down the side.

The

CLOSE UP FLYER “DO YOU HATE ALEX THE MAGNIFICENT? DO YOU THINK HIS POLICIES ARE WOEFULLY INEFFECTIVE? DO YOU LIKE MY NEW PANTS? THEN VOLUNTEER TO FREE THE POLITICAL PRISONER, THE BLACK KNIGHT, TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT.” A picture of the Flasher in his new pants is drawn in above the words. KITCHEN GRIZLETH What’s that doing in there? TREBACH It needed more roughage. GRIZLETH That can’t be good for the soup. TREBACH Nonsense. Trebach pulls a large spoonful of the liquid and puts it in front of Zombie B’Nottra. TREBACH What do you think, Zombie B’Nottra. Zombie B’Nottra slurps up a bit of it. ZOMBIE B’NOTTRA Needs more brains. TREBACH You heard the man.

11.

Grizleth reaches under the counter and pulls out a large bottle of brains, with the word “BRAINS” written on masking tape on the side. He takes off the lid and pours half the bottle in the cauldron. ZOMBIE B’NOTTRA More. Grizleth lets a few more brains fall into the soup. ZOMBIE B’NOTTRA More. A couple more fall out. ZOMBIE B’NOTTRA More. One more falls out, leaving only three brains in the jar. Too much.

ZOMBIE B’NOTTRA Me get rid of.

Zombie B’Nottra’s eyeball falls out of his socket and lands in the soup with a splash. GRIZLETH Yeah. Let’s help free that Black Knight guy.(MORE) TREBACH Finally! INT. CASTLE - NIGHT DUNGEON THE BLACK KNIGHT hangs from the shackles next to THE SKELETON. The Black Knight whistles a jaunty tune over the credits while the Skeleton claps his bone hands along. SKELETON That was great. Beat. BLACK KNIGHT Thanks.