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CLAN OF THE RED WOLF EPISODE SIX: NECROMANCY by Doug Driesel Jr.

BLACKNESS NECROMANCER (V.O.) You’ll want to watch the joints, cause, you know, you’re still technically dead. STEVE (V.O.) Still? That’s the last time I get a necromancer out of the Drachma Saver. FADE IN: INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - LAND OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS - DAY EXAMINATION ROOM The examination room looks like a normal, sterile doctor’s office, only where there would be a technical chart or instruments, there are ritual schematics and magical items all around. STEVE sits on the bench-like bed with a strip of butcher paper on the top. His shirt is off and he has a slight, sickly white color to his flesh. NECROMANCER, a Cliff Huxtible clone, Cosby sweater and all, stands next to Steve. He looks in Steve’s ear with an ear scope. NECROMANCER You don’t fully understand what I do here, do you? STEVE Make ice cream? NECROMANCER I make the dead the ‘undead.’ the same thing as ‘realive.’ STEVE So, no ice cream? NECROMANCER I’ve got some pudding. STEVE You promised me ice cream. NECROMANCER No I didn’t.

Not

STEVE So, am I going to start eating brains, then? NECROMANCER You can if you want. STEVE Brain flavored ice cream? NECROMANCER If I say ‘yes,’ will you leave? STEVE ...probably. NECROMANCER Then, yes. STEVE That’s all I needed to hear. WAITING ROOM The waiting room is set up in a similar manner as the examination room. Everything is like a normal doctor’s office, only all the wall hangings and magazines have to do with magic. GRIZLETH and TREBACH sit in chairs on either side of the dead body of B’NOTTRA. Grizleth looks through a two month old King Weekly Magazine. The cover story on the King Weekly reads, “PRINCE VORTAN ON THE RISE, BUT IS HE STILL BELOVED?” GRIZLETH I hear this guy’s good. TREBACH Let’s hope. We put up another mortgage on our Satyrian restaurant for this. A cat flies across the screen. GRIZLETH Well we can’t run a restaurant without a host, can we? TREBACH ...Okay?

GRIZLETH No, man, I was asking. I’m just the cook. I have no idea how to run a restaurant. NURSE (O.S.) Mr. Trebach, Mr. Grizleth, the necromancer will see you now. GRIZLETH Come on, you big, dead bastard. EXT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - DAY The Satyrian restaurant is once again closed down. the door reads “SORRY WE’RE CLOSED. BE BACK AFTER RESURRECTION.”

A sign on

TUESDAY, PRISCILLA and RESPECTABLE LADIES ONE, TWO and THREE stand outside the door to the restaurant. Tuesday rattles the door. A stack of gift wrapped presents sits next to them. TUESDAY I can’t believe Ted agreed to help you out with the baby. PRISCILLA I can’t believe that’s how you start a conversation. TUESDAY I’m just saying, I’ve known him for a little while, and it’s the most out of character thing I’ve ever seen him do. Three arrows fly through the air and stick in the side of the restaurant. TED (O.S.) Sorry. PRISCILLA He’s even learning a skill so he can help support us. I don’t think he understands that I’m rich. You’re doing great, darling. TED (O.S.) Thanks, sweet ‘ums.

PRISCILLA The only real question we need to worry about is how we’re going to raise the child. I worship the money god Pleshia, and he’s...honey, what religion did you say you were again? TED stands off to the side of the ladies in the restaurant parking lot. He holds a bow out, ready to release the arrow he has pulled back. TED African Zionist. PRISCILLA And he’s African Zionist. SFX: “ARROW ZIPPING THROUGH AIR AND HITTING SOMETHING FLESHY” TUESDAY That doesn’t sound right. TED Black power. PRISCILLA What do you think, respectable ladies? RESPECTABLE LADY ONE I think where the hell are the strippers? TUESDAY This is a baby shower. no strippers.

There are

RESPECTABLE LADY TWO I need to get a cock in me right now, or I’m taking all of you down. RESPECTABLE LADY THREE Down town! TED Hey o! SFX: “ARROW ZIPPING THROUGH THE AIR AND HITTING SOMETHING FLESHY”

The camera pulls back to reveal Mr. Fred standing in front of Ted with a blindfold on and an apple on his head. There is an arrow in the apple, as well as three in his chest. TUESDAY Very respectable. PRISCILLA Hunger pangs setting in. When are they going to re-open this damn Satyrian restaurant? A cat flies through the air and hits the wall of the Satyrian restaurant. It slides down the side. PRISCILLA Screw this. Let’s get some take out and buy some clothes. INT. CASTLE - DAY THRONE ROOM ALEX sits in his throne. DRAGON MASTER stands to his right. HERALD stands to his left. DRAGON MASTER King Alex, I think we need to talk, once again, about the ‘Baby Prophecy.” ALEX I’m not going to get killed by an infant, Dragon Master. DM. HERALD That’s what King Steve always said. ALEX He didn’t get killed by a baby. He got killed by me. Me and my tommy gun. Gun. Alex pulls out the tommy gun and fires wildly into the ceiling. BOB (O.S.) Chachi mirachi! Mr. Badger’s been hit!

DRAGON MASTER Don’t make me take that thing away from you, highness. ALEX You can’t. We’re attached at the hip. I’ve named her ‘Sally.’ Sally. BOB (O.S.) Don’t worry, Mr. Badger. you some help.

We’ll get

MR. BADGER (O.S.) (badger noises) Ger gi ger goo. BOB (O.S.) Don’t talk like that, Mr. Badger. You’ll be okay. I promise. SFX:

“BOB SCURRYING THROUGH DUCTS” DRAGON MASTER Gun or not, this is a very real threat, Buddy, and I think you should really take this seriously. ALEX Even if I believed in this prophecy, and I don’t...don’t...There’s no way a mere baby can get the drop on me and Sally. Tommy gun.

Alex fires Sally randomly into the ceiling again. BOB (O.S.) Bah! Stop shooting the ceiling! I’m lost and can’t get out! The BLACK KNIGHT kicks open the door to the throne room. holds the CHOSEN BABY in his arms. BLACK KNIGHT Hey. Hello.

ALEX Hello.

HERALD Presenting the Black Knight.

BLACK KNIGHT So, I’ve got this baby... Black Knight holds the baby up and presents it to the king. DRAGON MASTER Your highness, I think this is Sally’s time to shine. Alex fires the gun into the ceiling until it goes “click.” DRAGON MASTER I was thinking you should shoot the baby. ALEX Shoot a baby?

Really?

Baby.

DRAGON MASTER Or maybe the Black Knight. ALEX Yeah. I guess that make sense. Sense. BLACK KNIGHT This is boring.

Right.

Baby away!

Black Knight throws the baby at the king. It hits him and the throne topples backward with Alex and the Baby with it. ALEX I’m hit! EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - DAY CRAIG HELMETSTEIN’S CLOTHING STORE Tuesday and Priscilla look through the racks of stylish clothing while eating iced cream from the cone. Tuesday pulls out a dress and presents it to Priscilla. TUESDAY This would look really great on you, lady Priscilla. PRISCILLA Darling, everything looks good on me. But, yes, this would look especially amazing.

TUESDAY I wonder where the three respectable whores ran off to. INT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - DAY The front door in the background has been pried open. It stands, hanging off its hinges. The three Respectable Ladies sit at a table. Respectable Lady Two holds a crow bar. Respectable Ladies One and Three wave money in the air. The two GUARDS stand on the table in thongs, with their corn shirts, hats and other paraphernalia still on. They thrust and dance while the ladies scream for more. GUARD ONE You know, I could have sworn there was something else we were supposed to be doing today. GUARD TWO Just our jobs. Oh yeah. that.

GUARD ONE Maybe we should be doing

GUARD TWO Oh, yeah. Let’s just do that instead of this. Come on, jerkwad. What’s the worse that could happen? INT. CASTLE - DAY THRONE ROOM The throne is turned over on it’s back. The Dragon Master and Herald look down at Alex and The Baby, who are still in the throne. ALEX I’m hit. BLACK KNIGHT Well...I’m out. The Black Knight turns and starts to walk away.

EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - DAY CRAIG HELMETSTEIN’S CLOTHING STORE Priscilla and Tuesday look at clothes. The camera pans out and reveals Ted standing on castle grounds. He watches the girls look at clothes. TED Look at her. I’m not fit to raise a child belonging to such an amazing woman. I can’t even master archery. The camera pans out a bit further to reveal Mr. Fred, covered in arrows. MR. FRED Ribbit. TED You’re right, Mr. Fred. I need to find a way to prove that I’m worthy to call myself her man. FATHER walks up to Ted and Mr. Fred. FATHER Hi, there, friend. I couldn’t help but over hear you whining about your life. TED That I was. MR. FRED Ribbit. TED You don’t have to rub it in, Mr. Fred. FATHER Well, I was just thinking. I know of a quest that if you were to go on such a quest, and succeed, anyone would feel lucky to have a man such as yourself father their child. I should know. I have an enchanted wang.

10.

Really? Yes.

TED Good for you.

FATHER Good for me indeed.

TED So, this quest you speak of... FATHER Yes, let’s off to my office. talk.

We’ll

The camera pulls in on Tuesday and Priscilla. HELMETSTEIN has joined them.

CRAIG

CRAIG And that’s why I think you’d be crazy not to buy this amazing dress. PRISCILLA If only there was a man, other than this sales person, around to tell me what they think. Beat. Everyone looks around. PRISCILLA Sorry. I was sure someone would have popped out of nowhere when I said that. Beat. FLASHER pops out of nowhere. PRISCILLA Oh, there you are. What do you think of this dress on me. Priscilla holds the dress up in front of herself. A couple of beats pass by. The Flasher opens his trench coat to the trio. Beat. CRAIG I have absolutely GOT to sell you a pair of pants.

11.

INT. CASTLE - DAY THRONE ROOM The throne is turned on its back. Alex and The Baby sits in the throne while Dragon Master and Herald look on. TUESDAY (V.O.) Next week on Clan of the Red Wolf. ALEX I’m hit. BLACK KNIGHT Well...I’m off. The Black Knight turns around and starts to walk off. A loud crashing sound comes from over head. The Black Knight looks upward. ELVIN BOB and MR. BADGER fall from the ceiling and land on The Black Knight, driving him to the ground. BOB We’re free! Mr. Badger pops up. MR. BADGER Gr ga geege. BOB Mr. Badger, you’re okay! Bob and Mr. Badger hug. EXT. FIELD - DAY A GIANT’S foot stands on the ground next to Herald and Guard One. Dragon Master’s legs and arms stick out from under the Giant’s foot. GUARD ONE Well, that’s one way to get rid of an unnecessary character. Herald gives a suspicious look to Guard One.

12.

GUARD ONE ...er...I mean dude. Not character. Because that would be weird.