CLAN OF THE RED WOLF EPISODE FIVE: RECAP by Doug Driesel Jr.
BLACKNESS TUESDAY (V.O.) Last time on Clan of the Red Wolf. Grrr... FADE IN: INT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - LAND OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS - NIGHT ALEX, dressed in a harem outfit stands on a table in the middle of the room, blood splotches cover him and he points a smoking Tommy gun outward. STEVE sits, slung over the back of his chair, with several bullet holes in him. HERALD sits next to him, astonished. PRISCILLA, MR. FRED and TED stand in the corner. stand, holding (TROLLS), dead of gunshot wounds. MASTER and BOB stand in the other corner.
(TROLLS) DRAGON
HERALD You killed King Steve. ALEX With a Tommy gun. Gun. BOB Where’d you get a Tommy gun? ALEX From the 1930s.
S.
TED What? TIME TRAVELLING BRITISH GUY, trench coated Dr. Who rip off, slides out. TTBG Yeah, my fault. Sorry about that. I’ll take it off your hands. Incidently, I’m off into the time stream to go abduct another twentysomething girl from Cardiff. Anyone want to go with? No? Okay. TTBG slides off screen. Damn it.
TED We should have gone.
2.
HERALD So I guess this makes you king. PRISCILLA You’ll need help running the country. I’ll do that. I can do that. MR. FRED Ribbit. DRAGON MASTER That’s right, Mr. Fred. help.
We’ll all
GRIZLETH Hey, you guys killed our crazy friend. TREBACH Anybody going to help out with that one? Everyone looks around nonchalantly. MR. FRED Ribbit. Everyone laughs. FADE OUT: BLACKNESS TUESDAY (V.O.) This week on Clan of the Red Wolf. INT. CASTLE - DAY THRONE ROOM Alex, in kingly garb, sits on his throne. TUESDAY sits next to him. She leans on the arm rest and makes googly eyes at Alex. GUARD ONE and GUARD TWO stand on either side of the thrones with Corn shirts, hats and pennants on. Dragon Master stands in front of the thrones. ALEX Loyal Dragon Master, what news have you brought me? Me.
3.
DRAGON MASTER Things are going well, King Alex the Magnificent. TUESDAY All because you’re so dreamy. Purrr... DRAGON MASTER Exactly. Your dreaminess has pretty much ceased all wars in the outlying areas. We’ve signed a peace treaty with the homeless trolls of Talis, now that you’ve allowed all your citizens to worship as they choose, our front door isn’t being littered with religious reforms anymore. EXT. CASTLE - DAY CASTLE DOOR The door sits completely empty of pieces of paper. The BANDITO sits up against the wall. MONK hammers a religious reform into the door. FLASHER walks up to him. FLASHER Hey, padre, we’re not doing that anymore. Really?
MONK Because it’s a good one. FLASHER
Nope. MONK But what if I just-FLASHER Let it go, man. Let it go. MONK Okay. FLASHER Are you good?
4.
MONK Yeah. Just a little disappointed. FLASHER I think I know something that will make you feel better. MONK What’s that? The flasher flashes the monk. FLASHER Huh? Wow.
MONK God really is good.
INT. CASTLE - DAY THRONE ROOM DRAGON MASTER In fact, there are only two problems plaguing the nation of Funnel Cake. TUESDAY What are they. I bet my man can lick them. He can lick anything. Bah!
BOB (O.S.) Sexual!
DRAGON MASTER The first problem, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, the Elvin Bob has wondered into the ventilation system, and will not come out. BOB (0.S.) I’m comfortable in here! rabbit!
Like a
ALEX Set a badger loose in there. That’ll get him out. Out. BOB (O.S.) Chachi marachi! I better book! SFX:
“BOB SCURRYING THROUGH VENTILATION DUCTS”
5.
DRAGON MASTER The other thing is your destiny. ALEX I thought we’ve this. I don’t want to hear about this cockamamy baby prophecy. Cockamamy. DRAGON MASTER If you don’t heed my words, you’ll parish. You have a destiny! You all have destinies! You’ll see! INT. MANGER - DAY BABY lies in it’s make-shift hay crib. THE BLACK KNIGHT stands over it. FATHER, a grease-ball Jersey type, stands on the other side of the crib. BLACK KNIGHT So, this is the baby? FATHER “A” baby. BLACK KNIGHT You knew I was looking for a specific baby. FATHER You said the baby with a destiny. Well, my spunk puts out about a dozen tykes a year. I’m a blessed man with a blessed penis. BLACK KNIGHT Charming, but I’m looking for a specific kid. FATHER Yeah, the one destined for great things. That’s what I’m trying to say. I bone this gypsy girl a couple years back. Make her, hehe, you know, really good-like. Next thing I know, I got blessed junk. Women coming from all around to hop on this pop. Come to find out, every kid that comes from these loins gonna grow up to do some special task or another.
6.
FATHER(cont'd) I got me a kid in New Blonkensphere that’s supposed to lead the centaurs in a revolt against the dude that’s giving out the orders over there. I got another I got another, two kingdoms over, gonna rule the Seven Cities one day. This little bundle of joy, here, he’s probably the one you’re looking for. BLACK KNIGHT I’m not paying you until I know this kid’s not going to grow up to be the guy who kills an ogre general or pass a no-smoking bill in Talis? FATHER I don’t think you’re getting this. Let me tell you about my junk again. BLACK KNIGHT Please don’t. FATHER See, I banged this gypsy chick-BLACK KNIGHT I’ll take the baby. Just stop telling me about your penis. FATHER No need to get testy now. I did there?
See what
BLACK KNIGHT Yes. FATHER Testes! BLACK KNIGHT Thanks, I got it. FATHER So, my little Clifford gonna grow up to kill the king of Funnel Cake? BLACK KNIGHT That’s the idea.
7.
FATHER And, what, you’re just going to stand by and make sure that the kid goes through with it. BLACK KNIGHT I’m going to try to hurry his...Clifford? FATHER Family name. BLACK KNIGHT It’s really awful. FATHER You know, you got a menacing way about you. BLACK KNIGHT I’m the Black Knight. FATHER Well, don’t mean you have to be a jerk. BLACK KNIGHT Actually, it does. I’ve spent a very long time cultivating this persona. FATHER It’s probably your cadence of speech. It’s very precise. BLACK KNIGHT Thank you. FATHER ...so, we gonna do this. BLACK KNIGHT Oh, yeah, sorry. INT. CASTLE - DAY PRISCILLA’S CHAMBERS Priscilla and Ted lie naked in her four post bed with the sheets pulled up over their naughty bits.
8.
TED Normally, I don’t freaky stuff, but me Tod Browning. Ha ha ha ha ha ha of us.
go in for the you can just call Ha. Ha ha ha. ha ha ha ha. One
PRISCILLA I don’t get the reference. Mr. Fred?
Do you,
The camera pulls back and we see Mr. Fred in the bed next to Ted. MR. FRED Ribbit. HERALD (O.S.) I am also in the dark. The camera pulls back and we see Herald in the bed next to Priscilla. BOB (O.S.) Chachi mirachi! SFX:
“RABBID BADGER” Bah!
SFX:
BOB (O.S.) Badger!
“BOB BEING CHASED THROUGH VENTILATION SYSTEM BY BADGER” PRISCILLA Darling, I’ve been thinking. TED About what? HERALD About what? MR. FRED Ribbit? PRISCILLA I was talking to Ted. Sorry, everyone. I was talking to Ted. TED A little privacy, guys?
Mr. Fred and Herald cover their ears and close their eyes.
9.
PRISCILLA Darling, I have some news. TED Good news? PRISCILLA Sort of. TED Have you found a hidden cave of lollypops? PRISCILLA Actually...what? TED Because that would be awesome. PRISCILLA Just let me tell you what it is. TED Shoot.
Okay.
PRISCILLA I’m pregnant. TED ...huh. PRISCILLA Are you okay? TED Surprisingly-EXT. GALLOWS - DAY Ted stands on the gallows, naked, with a noose around his neck and his hand on the trap door lever. Priscilla, Mr. Fred and Herald look on with the bedsheet wrapped around them. Mr. Fred and Herald still cover their ears and close their eyes. TED I’m not taking the news too well. PRISCILLA I think you’re over reacting a little, darling.
10.
TED I don’t need a fancy burial. Just throw me in that pit where we put King Steve. INT. SNAKE PIT - DAY King Steve’s lifeless body lies next to DANDY JOHNSON. body and the pig are surrounded by a lion and a lot of snakes. EXT. GALLOWS - DAY TED I’m off to the great beyond. PRISCILLA It’s not even your kid. TED I bet Hendrix will be there. Rocking. Hey, do you think I’ll go to the real world afterlife, or whatever passes for an afterlife in this crazy place. PRISCILLA I imagine they’re all the same afterlife. But didn’t you hear me, darling? I said it’s not yours. TED What’s not mine? PRISCILLA The baby. TED What? PRISCILLA The baby! TED Well, how the hell can that be? Unless...you slept with someone else! PRISCILLA Of course I did darling!
The
11.
TED Who was it? Was it Mr. Fred Crane McNally Barlow Dodge Nochols Partridge Spitz Andrews Greene Hawkins Washington Banks Terwilliger Fluffers the third? PRISCILLA God no. It was this man I met a while back. We had a one night stand. Now I’m carrying his child. Dragon Master runs out. DRAGON MASTER That child has a destiny! INT. MANGER - DAY Father stands against the backdrop. FATHER Boo yeah! EXT. GALLOWS - DAY Priscilla looks at Dragon Master. PRISCILLA You know, I’ve only known you three episodes and I already can’t stand you. DRAGON MASTER Well, I’m here to stay! So, what will it be, Ted the Archer? Will you stick around and raise the kid, even though he’s not yours, and listen to me expound, in great detail, about the child’s destiny? TED Ummm...s-INT. SNAKE PIT - DAY The lion, Steve and Dandy Johnson are all missing from the snake pit. The lion walks back in. He roars.
12.
LION (subtitled) I was gone for two minutes! I can’t believe you guys let him escape. SNAKES (subtitled) Sssssorry. Larry wasss napping. (different snake) Ssscrew you. It was Franksss turn. LION (MORE) (subtitled) Well, it doesn’t matter who’s fault it is. It’s done now. Who’s up for some amylmaize?