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CLAN OF THE RED WOLF EPISODE FOUR: AMYLMAIZE by Doug Driesel Jr.

BLACKNESS SFX:

“SOUP BOILING” B’NOTTRA Man, this ain’t no coincidence. TREBACH Is that how you pronounce that word? B’NOTTRA Yes, how have you been pronouncing it? TREBACH That’s not important. poison him.

I saw we

GRIZLETH Yeah, I don’t think that’ll be an issue. FADE IN: INT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - LAND OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS - NIGHT BEHIND THE COUNTER TREBACH, B’NOTTRA and GRIZLETH stand behind the counter around a large, nasty-looking, bubbling cauldron. Grizleth has a chef’s hat on his head, and his hand on a large wooden spoon in the cauldron. GRIZLETH I’m not a very good cook. Trebach sniffs. Yeach.

TREBACH What is that, clam chowder?

GRIZLETH It’s the veal. B’NOTTRA Wow. GRIZLETH I’m a REALLY bad cook. B’NOTTRA Yeah, that’s nasty.

TREBACH We’ll let him eat the veal. That’ll kill him for sure. B’NOTTRA I should just bash him in the head. B’Nottra hits the edge of the cauldron with his large, wooden stick. It tilts a bit and out spills some liquid. GRIZLETH That’s it, B’Nottra, give up the stick. No.

B’NOTTRA It’s mine.

TREBACH You’ve lost all bashing privileges until you can prove you’ve grown up. Cheese it.

GRIZLETH He’s looking over here.

TABLE STEVE and HERALD sit at a table with several empty goblets on top. Steve looks around anxiously. Herald looks over at the trolls. STEVE Boy, oh boy, I can’t wait to see some boobies. HERALD Yes...boobies. Is it just me, or do the Satyrs that run this place look a lot like trolls? STEVE All Satyrs look the same to me. Goat legged bastards. HERALD The Homeless Trolls of Talis are your sworn enemies. And if those three are trolls, then they might be taking this opportunity to assassinate you. STEVE Wait a second! Trolls?

HERALD Yes. STEVE Enemies? HERALD Yes. STEVE Assassinate? HERALD Yes. STEVE Dandy Johnson? INT. SNAKE PIT - NIGHT DANDY JOHNSON, a blue piggy bank, sits in the middle of a pit of snakes. A bottle of lotion sits in a basket next to Dandy Johnson. A lion rests behind him. It roars. INT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - DAY TABLE HERALD No. STEVE (gulp) In that case, I think you’re exaggerating the possibilities. Those goat-legged bastards are harmless. HERALD They don’t even have goat legs! STEVE Stop pissing on my day, Herald. HERALD Maybe I’d feel better if you had at least one guard here, instead of giving the entire army the night off for that corn eating contest. SFX:

“STRIPPER MUSIC”

STEVE You need to lighten up, Herald. It’s my bachelor party, and it’s now time for the boobies! THE BACK ALEX, dressed in a harem outfit with a bikini and lace hanging from the arms, looks out from behind the corner and at the king. ALEX Let’s hope you enjoy the boobies, King Steve the Berserker, because they’ll be the last things you’ll see. See. RESPECTABLE LADY ONE Alex, sweetheart, do you mind if I borrow your lip liner. Mine came off when I was eating that damn corn. ALEX Sure thing. Thing. The camera pans down to reveal Alex’s junk bulging from the inside of the panties. INT. CASTLE - NIGHT TUESDAY’S CHAMBER TUESDAY sits on her four post bed, with her back against the wall and her arms crossed. TUESDAY Grrr... Stupid king and his stupid wedding. What kind of name for a king is ‘Steve,’ anyway? Stupid jerkass jerk and his jerky guards and their stupid corn festival. EXT. CORN FESTIVAL - NIGHT Torches light the several lines of picnic tables that make up the corn festival. TWO GUARDS sit at a picnic table with a pile of corn on the cob in front of each of them.

GUARD ONE Oh, that looks tasty. that, sweet corn?

What is

GUARD TWO Ooh, I forgot about sweet corn. No, this is white. GUARD ONE White’s good, too. GUARD TWO Yeah, but sweet corn. money corn.

That’s the

GUARD ONE I’m eating amylomaize. GUARD TWO Good for you. I like it.

GUARD ONE Higher starch content.

GUARD TWO You got butter on those? GUARD ONE God no. Margarine. My cholesterol is through the roof. GUARD TWO Yeah, I’ve got butter. GUARD ONE On white corn. GUARD TWO Oh, you just shut up. GUARD ONE Don’t forget to bag some up for that woman we’re supposed to be guarding. GUARD TWO Right. Almost forgot. (beat) And maybe we should throw in a huge pat of butter. GUARD ONE I might stab you.

GUARD TWO If you can do it without your heart exploding. INT. CASTLE - NIGHT Tuesday sits on her bed. TUESDAY ‘We’ll bring you back some corn, Lady Tuesday.’ Like I want any of their crappy corn. Probably used dragon crap to grow it. That’s right, I said dragon crap. Grrr... A rhythmic pounding echoes through the castle. Tuesday looks up, then goes back to her staring against the wall. TUESDAY Stupid, crappy religious reforms. I wish he’d either listen to them all or have them killed or something so the pounding would stop. Grrr...wait a second! No guards? Religious reforms? Stupid jerk? There are no guards! I can escape! And find Alex! And rescue him! And stop talking to myself! Camera pulls back to reveal a CHAMBER MAID standing right by her bed. CHAMBER MAID You could talk to me. I could.

TUESDAY Bye.

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT Religious reforms cover the door to the castle. A BANDITO sits against the wall with his large hat covering his face. TED, PRISCILLA and MR. FRED stand outside the door. Mr. Fred continues to knock. PRISCILLA Stop knocking, darling, there’s no one there. MR. FRED Ribbit.

TED Well, it is the day before his wedding. He’s probably having a bachelor party. With a big cake in the shape of a butt, donkey rides and caramel. Vats and vats of caramel. Ha ha ha. Caramel. PRISCILLA You just calm yourself down, darling. I don’t want you getting too worked up, now. I’m sure you’re right. Except about the caramel. We’ll just find a place to sleep tonight, then catch the wedding in the morning. Last time I was here, there was a quaint little inn around the corner. MR. FRED Ribbit. PRISCILLA No, Mr. Fred Crane McNally Barlow Dodge Nochols Partridge Spitz Andrews Greene Hawkins Washington Banks Terwilliger Fluffers the third, I’m sure that chamber maid doesn’t work there. Not after last time. Mr. Fred hangs his head in shame. TED Is that a corn festival? if they have amylmaize.

I wonder

FLASHER pops out of nowhere, with his back to the camera, and opens up his coat. Ted and Mr. Fred stare at his junk with awe. Priscilla looks down with admiration. PRISCILLA Congratulations. EXT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT DRAGON MASTER and BOB stand outside the restaurant. on the door reads “CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY.”

A sign

DRAGON MASTER That’s odd. This place has never been closed for a private party before. Everyone has been welcomed in the past. That’s precisely the reason I chose it as the place where I am to reveal to you, Elven Bob, your true purpose in life. The reason you were brought to this mystical land of magic and dragons. BOB Chachi marachi, you like hearing yourself talk! DRAGON MASTER Yes, quite a lot, actually. A cat flies through the air and slams into the side of the Satyrian restaurant and slides down, leaving a bloody streak. BOB Bah! DRAGON MASTER That will happen. I was hoping to have a nice spiced raccoon with a side of corn while I told you about your destiny, and you would have loved the goose, but-BOB Hey, look at that. Bob ducks down. He pops back up with a tiki doll necklace hanging from his neck. DRAGON MASTER I can’t believe you put that on. Why?

BOB It’s awesome!

DRAGON MASTER It’s cursed. BOB Oh God, no! Bob runs around like an idiot. DRAGON MASTER Sigh.

Another cat hits the side of the building and slides down. Bob runs back and forth. INT. CASTLE - NIGHT DUNGEON A skeleton hangs from the wall next to two hanging, empty shackles. A beat passes. The door to the dungeon bursts open and Tuesday pops in. TUESDAY Alex, are you down here? SKELETON There’s nobody here but us skeletons. (skeleton laugh) TUESDAY Grrr...I hate this place so much. SKELETON Really, because I was dying to get in. (skeleton laugh) Tuesday slams the door behind her. SKELETON What’s eating her? Certainly not the bone flies that are attacking my marrow. (beat) Seriously, I’m falling apart. INT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT Steven and Herald sit at the edge of the table. DJ, a slick, Vegas style, garish hip cat in a bad, animal print tux, stands on the table. DJ Let me ask you something, guys. Have you enjoyed the show so far? STEVE Woo. HERALD Yes, woo indeed.

10.

DJ What do you think about new girls? STEVE It depends. What’s she like? she give it up for royalty?

Does

DJ I simple “woo” will cerfice. STEVE Oh.

Woo!

DJ Then one hand slapping against the other will make a great sound for the lovely Alex! DJ jumps down and Alex takes the long table in his harem outfit. He does a little dance. HERALD She looks oddly familiar. STEVE Why, have you been living inside my dreams? HERALD No. I know her from somewhere else. STEVE Really? Because you should see what I dream about. It’s pretty nasty. HERALD No, it’s not that. STEVE You could get arrested for some of the stuff I dream about. HERALD Oh, wait, I know where I’ve seen her. EXT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT Bob runs back and forth with the tiki doll around his neck. Dragon Master stands while rolling his eyes.

11. The windows to the restaurant light up and the sound of a Tommy gun fills the air. Bah!

BOB It’s the cursed tiki doll!

DRAGON MASTER No it’s not. And take that thing off! INT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT Alex stands on the table with a smoking tommy gun in his hand and a blood crazed look in his eye. Steve has a huge hole in his forehead. The trolls stand in the background and hold the dead body of B’Nottra. GRIZLETH You killed B’Nottra. HERALD You killed King Steve. EXT. CORN FESTIVAL - NIGHT Guard One and Guard Two sit at the table with a large stack of corn ears in front of each of them. GUARD ONE You killed that whole ear of corn. Duh.

GUARD TWO Who told you, your heart? FADE OUT: