CLAN OF THE RED WOLF EPISODE THREE: MR. FRED CRANE MCNALLY BARLOW DODGE NICHOLS PARTRIDGE SPITZ ANDREWS GREENE HAWKINS WASHINGTON BANKS TERWILLIGER FLUFFERS III by Doug Driesel Jr.
BLACKNESS COP (V.O.) It’s a one way mirror. You can see them but they can’t see you. All you have to do, is point to the man, and we’ll make sure he goes away for a long time. FADE IN: INT. POLICE STATION - MODERN TIMES - DAY LINE UP ROOM Against the standard measured back drop of a line up room stands the usual suspect of FOUR RANDOM HIPPIES and JESUS, all holding numbers. Jesus is number two. VIEWING ROOM COP and THE ADA stand around SLOTH, who sits on a stool in front of the window. COP Which one was the man that you saw yesterday at the Red Wolf carnival? The sloth slowly raises his hand and gets a third of the way up. EXT. SIDE OF THE DIRT ROAD - LAND OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS - DAY Two HOMELESS TROLLS stand next to the side of the road, ready to beg. B'Nottra is visibly shaken. B'NOTTRA I’m telling you, they’re moving in and taking over. Goat legged bastards. You can’t swing a dead cat in this area without hitting a Satyrian restaurant. TREBACH That ain’t true. Oh yeah?
B'NOTTRA Watch this!
B'Nottra picks a cat up off the ground. couple of times and tosses it.
He swings it a
2.
SFX:
“CAT RWARING WHILE BEING SWUNG AND THROWN”
SFX:
“CAT HITTING A SATYRIAN RESTAURANT” SATYRIAN RESTAURANT OWNER (O.S.) Hey, my Satyrian restaurant! B'NOTTRA See? TREBACH Man, that weren’t no dead cat. That cat was alive. B'NOTTRA Well it’s dead now. Go get it so’s I can throw it again. TREBACH I ain’t fetchin’ no dead cat. What if a carriage passes by? You gonna share that sweat beggin’ money? Hell yes.
B'NOTTRA No. Probably not.
TREBACH Get your own dead cat, man. ain’t gettin’ no dead cat.
I
Grizleth stands next to Trebach. GRIZLETH Hey, where the hell did my cat go, man? The camera pulls back to see TED as he stands next to B'Nottra. TED B’Nottra threw it against a Satyrian restaurant. GRIZLETH That’s cold, baby. TED You can buy a new one with all the money we’re going to beg off the royalty coming down this road. You read the paper this morning.
3.
GRIZLETH I didn’t. Trebach wiped his ass with it before I could get a chance. TREBACH What else you want me do with a newspaper? You know I can’t read! B'NOTTRA Goat legged bastards. our schools!
Taking over
TED Well, if you had read the paper, you’d know that King Steve the Berserk is having a wedding tomorrow. And all the royalty that will be attending must come down this road to get there. TREBACH We’ll beg ‘em blind! B'NOTTRA I’m gonna buy me a fancy beggin’ hat with all my beggins. TED That’s one idea. But see if you can follow me here. We get one of carriages to take us to the wedding...where all the royalty will be... TREBACH Where we can beg them blind! Yes!
TED Wait, no!
B'NOTTRA Hey, I just remembered something. We hate the king. TED I think you’re missing the point. Hold up, here comes a carriage.
4.
INT. CARRIAGE - DAY LADY PRISCILLA WINGO, 55, an old timey Hollywood actress type, dressed in royal gowns with a cigarette in a holder, sits on one side of the carriage with a bored look on his face. MR. FRED CRANE MCNALLY BARLOW DODGE NICHOLS PARTRIDGE SPITZ ANDREWS GREENE HAWKINS WASHINGTON BANKS TERWILLIGER FLUFFERS III, a frog man, sits on the other side of the carriage with a plate of Satyrian food in his lap. Mr. Ted uses his tongue to “catch” the food on his plate. PRISCILLA My precious darling, that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how you can eat that nasty Satyrian food. From a road-side establishment, none the less. It’s probably made of cat, you know. Mr. Fred gives Priscilla a long look, then uses his tongue to snag another bit of food. PRISCILLA Charming. I don’t know why I take you anywhere. MR. FRED Ribbit. PRISCILLA Don’t give me that. Mr. Fred uses his tongue to grab another piece of food. PRISCILLA If I had let you have your way, we’d be bringing King Steve a jar full of dead flies. MR. FRED Ribbit.
5.
PRISCILLA It is not. Mr. Fred Crane McNally Barlow Dodge Nochols Partridge Spitz Andrews Greene Hawkins Washington Banks Terwilliger Fluffers the third, you make a wonderful travelling companion, but a terrible paramour. I shall require a more personable man for a gala event such as this. MR. FRED Ribbit. PRISCILLA Where, indeed, Mr. Fred. indeed.
Where,
Mr. Fred uses his tongue. PRISCILLA Darling, you’re not going to believe this, but there is a lovely young man standing by the side of the road with a group of trolls. Have the driver stop the carriage. MR. FRED Ribbit. EXT. SIDE OF THE DIRT ROAD - DAY The trolls and Ted stand by the side of the road. carriage pulls up next to them.
The ornate
TED Alright, guys, let me do the talking. B’Nottra? B'NOTTRA What? TED Did you hear what I said? B'NOTTRA No. The window on the carriage rolls down like a car’s electric window. Priscilla sticks her head out the opening.
6.
PRISCILLA Hello, my little darlings. My name is Lady Priscilla Wingo, hold the applause. GRIZLETH Okay. Priscilla sits with her head out the window. The trolls and Ted all look at each other. Finally, Trebach claps a couple of times. PRISCILLA You’re too kind. I see my reputation proceeds me. I was travelling down the road, thinking to myself what a miserable time I shall have without a proper escort to the royal wedding, and low and behold I see this handsome young man standing next to three hideous trolls. TED Thank you, Lady Priscilla. PRISCILLA Please, call me ‘Lady Priscilla.’ TED Okay. PRISCILLA Tell me, young man, what is that you do for a calling? TED I’m...an archer? GRIZLETH You’re an archer? PRISCILLA Splendid. You’ll do nicely. I am a wealthy lady and you will be my paramour! TED Paramour means...sex? PRISCILLA Only if you play your cards right, my darling.
7.
TED Shudder. B'NOTTRA You can’t take him. now.
He’s one of us
PRISCILLA Of course. For your troubles, have a shiny golden coin. Priscilla flicks a coin at the trolls. TREBACH See ya, pal. Ted gets in the carriage. GRIZLETH What are we going to do now? B'NOTTRA Let’s go get something to eat. I know Satyrian place just right over there. INT. POLICE STATION - MODERN TIMES - DAY VIEWING ROOM The cop and DA stand beside the sloth as he continues raising his hand to two thirds the way up. COP Did you see the paper today? DA No. What’s up? Is the King of France coming to America or something? COP ...yes, actually. DA Okay, I saw the paper. I just wanted you to think I could see the future. COP Hey, it almost worked.
8.
EXT. POND - LAND OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS - DAY POND REFLECTION BOB stares at himself in the pond. BOB Bah. I’m a freak. A freakish freak that freaks the freak out of other, more normal freaks, like the bearded man! Woe is me. DRAGON MASTER, a kind dwarf wearing a hood and cape appears in the reflection. DRAGON MASTER Hello, Robert. BOB Chachi mirachi, it’s a CHUD! DRAGON MASTER What? No. Young, Elvin Bob, I am the Dragon Master, and I know of your predicament. BOB Do you mean my itchy crabs or the fact that I’m now a freak? A freak! DRAGON MASTER ...The freak thing. And I think I can help you get back to your time, if you’ll accept my help. BOB I don’t know. My mother always told me to watch out for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. DRAGON MASTER I’m not a CHUD, Elvin Bob. BOB They’re cannibalistic!
9.
DRAGON MASTER I know what a CHUD is. How can I be a Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller when I’m not dwelling underground? BOB Science? DRAGON MASTER How about a piece of candy? BOB You’ve won my trust. anything you ask!
I’ll do
Bob scratches his crotch. DRAGON MASTER Splendid. Then come with me, young Robert. Your quest begins. BOB Bah! DRAGON MASTER What was that? BOB I got excited. candy!
I really like
DRAGON MASTER Sigh. Right, let’s go get something to eat. I know this great restaurant just over there by the road. INT. SATYRIAN RESTAURANT - DAY The three trolls sit at a booth next to a window. A large pile of dirty dishes and half eaten food sits on the table. WAITER, 25, a Satyr, walks up to the table. WAITER So, how was everything. B'NOTTRA It was great (under breath) You goat-legged bastard.
10.
WAITER Excellent. So, if there’s nothing else, there’s the matter of the bill. TREBACH Ah, yes. B’Nottra will be taking care of that. B'NOTTRA Yeah, do you take large planks of wood? B'Nottra produces a large piece of wood. WAITER I’m sorry, sir, we do not. We only take gold and silver in this establishment. Ah.
B'NOTTRA Anybody?
The trolls take a beat to look back and forth at each other. After another beat, B'Nottra hits Waiter with the plank of wood. The Waiter goes down as he screams. B'Nottra waits a beat, then hits him again. B'Nottra hits him seven more times in rapid succession. B'NOTTRA Looks like we just inherited a Satyrian restaurant. GRIZLETH I call cook. TREBACH I call cook. Damn. B'Nottra hits the dead carcass of the waiter one more time. INT. POLICE STATION - MODERN TIMES - DAY The Cop and the DA stand by the sloth as it gets it’s paw almost completely extended. COP I’ve been thinking of taking up kayaking.
11.
DA Really? I hear that’s kind of dangerous. COP You only live once, you know what I’m saying? DA Actually, I do not. Cop looks at the DA for a full beat. COP Well, you don’t live again. DA Oh, right. I thought you meant...never mind. The cop looks at his watch, then down to the sloth. sloth fully extends his arm. JESUS (O.S.) Crap. COP Thank you, Mr. Sloth.
You can go.
DA We’ll call you when the trial starts. (MORE)
The