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CLAN OF THE RED WOLF Episode Two: Fourth Estate by Doug Driesel Jr.

BLACKNESS HERALD (V.O.) Now presenting, a man who needs no introduction, so here one is. Heh heh. He vanquished the deadly Old Ladies of the Plains, ended the terrible reign of Prince Vortan the Beloved and is the enemy of the Homeless Ogres of Talis Bridge. He’s a king amongst men, a leader of the weak and a really good speller; I present to you, the king of the magical land of Funnel Cake: King Steve the Berserk! FADE IN: EXT. CASTLE - LAND OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS - DAY The castle extends across a large stretch of land. The interior of the castle wall contains a dozen REPORTERS, with notebooks and fedoras that sport cards that read “SCOOP.” FARMERS push carts past the group. The reporters stand in front of, and look up toward, the balcony in the side of the castle. BALCONY A semi-circle shaped balcony protrudes from the third floor of the castle. A large opening, with curtains that block it off, provides access. A sign that reads “DO NOT FEED THE KING” hangs above the opening. STEVE, 30, a short, pudgy, friendly looking Mexican fellow stands on the balcony. HERALD, a small, desperately unfunny, sweaty guy, stands behind him. STEVE Hello. First off, I’d like to thank the members of the press for coming out today. CASTLE GROUNDS The reporters cheer. REPORTER ONE We rule! REPORTER TWO He knows who we are!

REPORTER THREE I lost my contact, nobody move! BALCONY STEVE The reason I called you all here is because I just wanted to give you a little state of the kingdom address. That crazy man who has been exposing himself to our ladies is still on the loose. So, ladies, please, if you see this man, please report it to the nearest guard. OUTSIDE A SHACK Next to the dozen reporters, THREE RESPECTABLE LADIES lean against the wall and watch the king’s address. RESPECTABLE LADY ONE Yeah, not likely. (to RL2) He’s HUGE. Respectable Lady Three nods her head. RESPECTABLE LADY THREE Yeah he is. Respectable Lady Two gives an impressed whistle. BALCONY STEVE Secondly, will people please stop nailing religious reforms to my door? All night with this. Come on, folks, we’ve gone through this. Well, I think that’s everything I needed to go over. Oh, except for this: Last night a strange woman and her boyfriend fell from the sky. I threw the boyfriend in the dungeon, and I’ll be marrying the strange woman tomorrow at sunset. Attendance is mandatory for all subjects and we are registered at Craig Helmetstein’s Blacksmith Shop.

STEVE(cont'd) If it’s quality metal wear, you know they got it from Craig Helmetstein’s blacksmith shop, on the corner of that wall and the other wall. Get us something nice. I don’t want a hundred bread makers, folks. No one needs that much bread. That is all. Steve goes in back in the castle. CASTLE GROUNDS The reporters murmur amongst each other. REPORTER ONE This is the story of a life time. REPORTER TWO Front page news if I’ve ever heard it. REPORTER THREE Hey, I found my contact. miss?

What’d I

INT. CASTLE - DAY THRONE ROOM Steve sits in his throne, smug and quite happy. TUESDAY sulks in the throne next to him, dressed in queen-like garb. STEVE This wedding will be the social event of the season. No. Wait. The year. Actually, scratch that, the season. Have you ever seen the Centaur Cotillion? But our wedding will be second only to that. TUESDAY I want to go home.

Grrrr...

STEVE Yeah. Well, you can’t. might as well smile. Steve looks over at Tuesday. the bottom of her chin.

So you

She doesn’t smile.

He tickles

STEVE Come on, let’s see that smile. Cootchie, cootchie, coo. TUESDAY Grrr... STEVE I know what the problem is. You’re upset because I invited the whole kingdom and you haven’t gotten to invite anyone. I tell you what, how about we invite your parents? INT. TUESDAY’S PARENT’S HOUSE - MODERN TIMES - DAY DAD and MOM sit on a couch. A POLICE OFFICER sits on a chair facing them. He writes in a note book. DAD Speaking of twenty-one, have I ever told you about what happened when I was twenty-one? MOM Not now, dear. He’s asking about our daughter, Tuesday. DAD Right! Not now! Maybe later! Our daughter’s missing. (beat) I got my penis stuck in a window sill! INT. CASTLE - LAND OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS - DAY THRONE ROOM Steve and Tuesday remain in their seats. STEVE Okay, then. Who would you like to invite my lovely sweetie, pookiebalooki, mooki? TUESDAY I want to invite my boyfriend.

DUNGEON ALEX hangs from a pair of shackles on the wall of the dank dungeon next to a skeleton that also hangs from the wall. ALEX I’m going to kill that king. Regicide. THRONE ROOM Steve and Tuesday remain in their positions. STEVE Tsss... That might be a little awkward, don’t you think? TUESDAY I hope you choke on a very small bone. Beat. STEVE Ouch. BATH CHAMBERS A large bathtub sits in the middle of the bath chambers. Steve sits in the bathtub. Bubbles cover him to his chest. Herald stands next to the bath. ice cube into the bath.

He occasionally throws an

STEVE I want it nice and cold, Herald. HERALD This isn’t my first royal bath, King Steve. STEVE And it wont be your last. Wait, scratch that, maybe it will. I think I’ll have you killed. HERALD Might I remind you of your beloved Dandy Johnson? STEVE Dandy!

INT. SNAKE PIT - NIGHT DANDY JOHNSON, a blue piggy bank, sits in the middle of a pit of snakes. A bottle of lotion sits in a basket next to Dandy Johnson. INT. CASTLE - DAY BATH CHAMBER HERALD And if you ever want to see your precious piggy again, you’ll refrain from having me killed. STEVE You’re a dastardly bastard, Herald. And that’s why you’re my best friend. HERALD That, and everyone else hates you. STEVE Cold blooded! You’re going to be my best man, Herald. HERALD Oh, can I, please? Yes.

Yes

STEVE you may. HERALD

Sigh. STEVE What’s that? HERALD I said, “Sigh.” STEVE Where are we going tonight, Herald? The whore houses by the docks? HERALD You’re not allowed back there, my king. Remember? The incident with the wood nymph?

Oh yeah.

STEVE Boy, I sure did kill her.

HERALD Yes, you did. STEVE Turns out nymphs aren’t make of stone. HERALD No, that’s a Golem. STEVE I know that now! Where were you when I was hitting her with that hammer? HERALD I was screaming that thing about nymphs not being made of stone. STEVE A lot of good that did. HERALD Indeed. I know this Satyrian restaurant where we can have a few of the respectable ladies come over and...become less respectable. If you get my meaning. Oh, yeah. right?

STEVE Ha ha.

You mean naked,

HERALD At the least. STEVE Ha cha! A loud, rhythmic pounding noise echoes through the castle. TUESDAY’S CHAMBERS Tuesday sits on the toilet in the corner of her room with her panties around her ankles. She reads a copy of a paper with the headline “BLURRY KING MAKES SOME SORT OF ANNOUNCEMENT.” The pounding echoes through Tuesday’s chamber. slightly uninterested.

She looks up,

DUNGEON Alex hangs on the wall. dungeon. Sigh.

The pounding echoes through the

ALEX Sigh.

BATHROOM CHAMBER Steve sits in the bathtub. The pounding echoes through the chamber. Herald throws another ice cube in the tub. STEVE Please tell me that’s not what I think it is. Okay.

HERALD It’s not.

STEVE You’re such a liar. Damn these peasants and their religious reforms! EXT. CASTLE - DAY CASTLE DOOR A piece of paper has been nailed to the large, wooden door to the front of the castle. Respectable Lady Two walks by. FLASHER, an unseen man with his back to the camera. He opens his coat. Respectable Lady Two stops and looks down at his package. After a short beat, she applauds. INT. CASTLE - DAY BATH CHAMBER Steve and Herald continue as they were. HERALD You know, if you listened to some of the reformations, they might stop nailing them to your door. STEVE And if I had a chariot made of gold, I could get any woman I want.

HERALD You do have a chariot of gold. STEVE And the second thing? women?

About the

Herald throws another ice cube in the bath. STEVE Herald? HERALD Yes. STEVE I want to hear you say it. HERALD You can get any woman you want. STEVE Well, if that’s true, then why isn’t Tuesday, that’s her name, right? HERALD Yes. STEVE Why isn’t she excited about being my wife? HERALD Perhaps if you took an interest in her life. Find out if she has any friends. EXT. TALIS BRIDGE - DAY THREE HOMELESS TROLLS stand under the bridge around a burning trash can. TED warms himself up with the trolls. Troll One takes a pig from the ground and throws it in the fire. TED You know, I was thinking. You’re throwing the animals on the fire to cook your wood. If you did it the opposite way, you’d be a lot less hungry. And maybe with less splinters.

10.

Troll Three looks up from his wood on the cob and splintered up mouth. TROLL THREE How’s that? TED Nevermind. Grizleth, don’t Bogart the balsa steak. GRIZLETH Sorry. What happened to your little elf friend? TED (mouth full of wood) You know, I have no idea. INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - MODERN TIMES - DAY The studio apartment is covered in half-hung posters, empty beer bottles and pizza boxes. A kayak leans against the corner of the room. JESUS and FRANK, a burned out stoner, sit on a torn up couch and play Wii. The phone rings. Neither Jesus nor Frank pay any attention to it. After five rings, (MORE)the answering machine picks up. JESUS (V.O.) (on answering machine) You’ve reached Jesus and Frank. If you’re calling about the kayak, it’s in moderate condition and I’m flexible on the price. If you’re calling for any other reason, keep the message short, these tapes don’t have a lot of sp... SFX:

“ANSWERING MACHINE BEEP” KING OF FRANCE (V.O.) (on answering machine) Hello? This is the King of France. A friend gave me this number. He told me you could help me out with a problem I have with a carnival. It seems they’re suing me and I need someone to take the blame. If you could call me back at...hey, Frenchie, what’s the number to the palace?

11.

KING OF FRANCE(cont'd) What do you mean you don’t know, you pay the phone bill. I don’t want to hear it anymo... SFX:

“ANSWERING MACHINE BEEP”

Jesus and Frank continue to play Wii. SFX:

“KNOCK AT THE DOOR” FRANK Who is it, man? COP (O.S.) It’s the police. We’re here to arrest a Mr. Christ for the kidnapping of several carnies and an odd couple’s seventeen year-old daughter. Not so much the carnies. Mostly the daughter.

Another voice whispers behind the door. COP (O.S.) Yeah, I guess the carnies are important, too. Do me a favor and forget I said the other thing. (MORE) JESUS Frank, go flush the kayak. I’ll see if I can miracle us an escape route. COP (O.S.) Have you forgotten it yet? Frank doesn’t move. JESUS Damnit, Frank! We’ve got to bust out of this bitch! INT. CASTLE - LAND OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS - DAY DUNGEON The shackles that previously held Alex dangle, open, from the wall. ALEX (O.S.) I busted out of this bitch.

Bitch.