Clan of the Red Wolf - Episode One - "Sloth"

CLAN OF THE RED WOLF Episode One: Sloth by Doug Driesel Jr.

BLACKNESS The sounds of the inside of a car play in the background.

DAD (V.O.) Sweetheart, you’re going out with an older boy now, so I want to talk to you about the birds and the bees!

TUESDAY (V.O.) God, Dad. I know about the birds and the bees.

DAD (V.O.) I mean sex!

TUESDAY (V.O.) I know what you meant dad.

FADE IN: INT. CAR - EARTH - MODERN TIMES - DAY A ‘03 Capri drives down the road. whips by through the windshields.

The rest of the world

DAD, 45, a great, big ball of gregarious goofiness in a plaid leisure suit, sits behind the wheel. TUESDAY, 17, a sulky, easily annoyed teenage psuedo-goth girl who sounds cheery even when she’s annoyed and dark, slumps in the back seat.

MOM, 40, a hot, June Cleaver/Marge Simpson type, sits in her polyester skirt and smart blouse in the front passenger seat Her arms lie, folded in her lap.

Dad’s eyes continually dart to the rear-view mirror in order to make eye contact with Tuesday. Tuesday stares out the window with a pained look on her face.

DAD Boys only have one thing on their mind, Tuesday! And that’s boobies!

That’s it.

TUESDAY Stop the car.

DAD

Ta-tas!

TUESDAY Seriously, I want out of the car.

Grrr...

2.

DAD Dirty pillows!

MOM Listen to your father, dear. He knows what he’s talking about.

DAD I’m thinking about them right now!

TUESDAY Please kill me.

DAD You know why I’m thinking about them right now?

MOM Because he’s a man, dear.

DAD Because I’m a man! Tuesday!

What’s this older boy’s name?

TUESDAY It’s Alex, Dad. And he’s only four years older than me.

DAD That means he’s twenty-one!

MOM Very good, Dear.

DAD I remember when I was twenty-one!

TUESDAY God, not the window sill story again.

DAD I got my penis caught in a window sill!

TUESDAY Dad, stop it, okay! Grr... I already know about sexual intercourse.

DAD Ah, my ears!

3.

TUESDAY What? You said stuff way worse than that!

DAD No! There’s something in my ears!

I think it’s a deadly brian gnat!

It’s in there good!

TUESDAY I think you mean “Brain Gnat,” Dad. DAD It’s gone now!

Goodbye, Brian.

MOM That was scary.

Beat.

DAD Tuesday!

TUESDAY Yes, Dad? DAD This Alex is a Carney!

TUESDAY I’m not sure what you want me to say to that.

DAD Defend your position! Stand up for yourself! You’re a beautiful girl!

MOM You’re very lovely, Tuesday.

TUESDAY Thanks, Mom. Alex isn’t a carney, Dad. He does magic tricks at the carnival. It’s got a medieval theme. Hey, there we go. He’s more like an actor.

DAD Like Steve Guttenburg!

MOM You liked him in that movie, Dear.

4.

DAD That’s true. He sure did give those skate boarders a run for their money.

TUESDAY Besides, Alex has a future. He once pulled a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.

DAD Big deal! I just pulled a brian gnat out of my ear!

MOM I was there, honey. was amazing!

Your father

DAD Brian, the brain gnat!

TUESDAY Yeah, Dad, but the flowers weren’t in his sleeve before he pulled them out.

Oh. EXT.

DAD That’s a good trick!

RED WOLF AMUZEMENT PARK - DAY

MILK BOTTLE STAND The park is abuzz with families and kids as they run around and have a good time. Various games whistle and buzz while the roller coasters rush overhead.

Knock off stuffed animals hang from the ceiling of the Milk Bottle Stand. A stack of three milk bottles sits on a stand at the back of the booth.

OLD MAN, 76, a pudgy, bald on top guy with gray hair on the sides and a Sherlock Holmes pipe that switches sides of his mouth as he mumbles through alternating corners of his lips, stands on the outside of the booth.

TED, 29, a slightly cocky but good natured fellow with a pompadour, leans on the counter as he makes eye contact with the Old Man.

5.

(MORE)

OLD MAN (almost indiscernible) Then I hit the bottles dead on, and they didn’t fall.

TED That’s fascinating. same thing myself.

I thought the

OLD MAN I think this game is rigged. want my money back.

I

TED No, otherwise, they’d have to cast Stalone as HIS sidekick, and I just don’t think Rob Schnider has that kind of juice right now. Steroids!

OLD MAN I want my money back.

TED Ha ha ha. Super. and tell him.

I’ll make sure

ALEX, 23, an overly dramatic, intense but fun guy walks up next to Ted. Hello.

ALEX Hello.

TED Alex, did you know that a bowling ball and a feather would fall at the same rate in a vacuum? It’s just a theory right now. Dirt Devil hasn’t come up with a vacuum in which a human can fit. With out a human to drop them, how can we tell? How?!

ALEX I’m doing fine, Ted. You.

How are you?

TED I’m doing good. (whispering loudly) Hold on. Let me get rid of this super-old guy. (loudly to Old Guy)

6.

TED(cont'd) Okay, I told him that thing about the vacuum, just like you wanted.

Now, shoo!

OLD MAN You stole money from me!

TED I said “shoo.”

Old Man angrily backs up from the booth.

ALEX Bob has a sloth.

Sloth.

TED Then what the hell are we still doing here?

Alex and Ted leave the booth. The Old Man sneaks up. He looks around to make sure no one watches him. He pulls a match out, lights it and tosses it in the booth. The whole thing goes up in flames quite rapidly.

The Old Man steps back.

OLD MAN Jesus.

Jesus appears next to the Old Man. JESUS That wasn’t very nice, my son. should apologize.

You

SECURITY GUARD (O.S.) Hey, the milk carton booth is on fire.

TUESDAY (O.S.) It was the old man and the hippy.

I saw them to it.

OLD MAN Help me, Jesus!

JESUS Actually, I have a few priors, so...good luck.

Jesus raises into the air while glowing. he goes.

Old Man watches as

(MORE)

7.

SECURITY GUARD (O.S.) He’s got a pipe! Stand back.

OLD MAN Wait!

The Security Guard fills the Old Man with bullets.

CAVE RUNNER A small line stands outside the Cave Runner, a large roller coaster that runs through a fake cave. BOB, 25, an easily excited, lanky guy, stands behind the controls with a SLOTH hanging off his neck.

Phil makes kissy noises and feeds the sloth leaves.

Ted and Alex walk up the controls.

ALEX That’s one nifty sloth you’ve got there, Bob. Where’d you get it?

It. BOB France.

TED When did you go to France?

BOB Two days ago. When I got off the plane, there was a Jerry Lewis festival in the terminal. I accidently yawned in the middle of the Nutty Professor, and the French people chased me with pitch forks and torches through the streets all night! I had to take refuge in a dirty building filled with cowering street urchins. When the French police showed up to arrest the street urchins, I was placed in a dungeon for hours next to a skeleton hanging from a wall! I was sentenced to a beheading at dawn for crimes against Jerry Lewis in an airport terminal. When they lead me to the guillotine, all the noblemen and women had all the best seats, and the peasants had all the best rotten fruit.

8.

BOB(cont'd) That’s when the King of France came to address the prisoner, which was me! He leaned in. I could smell the bad cheese on his breath and asked me if I had any last requests. I asked him if I could see The Bellboy one last time. He laughed. Then he gave me a sloth.

TED Can I hold the it?

BOB Okay. Come on Sloth, crawl over to my friend Ted! Bob sticks his arm out. moves one are.

Several seconds pass as the sloth

BOB Be careful, he’s covered in parasites and algae!

TED Come to think of it, I don’t really need to hold the sloth.

ALEX Tell me, Bob, have you seen Tuesday around anywhere? We were going to ride some rides and have funnel cake. Funnel cake.

Tuesday pops up behind Alex and Ted.

Both jump in surprise.

BOB I found her!

TUESDAY I missed you, baby.

ALEX Give me some of that sweet lovin’.

Lovin’.

Alex and Tuesday kiss.

BOB Gross.

TUESDAY I’m sorry to hear about your booth, Ted.

9.

TED Something happened to my booth?

TUESDAY Yeah, a hippy burned it down. saw the whole thing.

ALEX Wow, that blows.

I

Blows.

TED Well, now I’m depressed. should hold the sloth.

Maybe I

BOB Too late. The car has returned to it’s original position! Time to let some riders off and others on, as per my job.

TED Actually, Bob, is it cool if we get on?

Sure.

BOB You can even cut in line.

PATRONS

Aww. ROLLER COASTER CAR Alex and Tuesday sit next to each other in the front of the car. Ted sits behind Tuesday. The safety bars clamp down.

ALEX This is the fastest roller coaster in the park. A physicist once studied it and claimed it could break through the eighth dimension.

Dimension.

Bob pops up behind Alex, next to Ted. Wow!

BOB That’s really fast!

TUESDAY Bob, what are you doing here?

BOB Breaking the eighth dimension.

10.

TED But, if you’re here, who’s going to operate the ride?

Everyone looks over at the controls. The sloth stands next to them, arm in the air, ready to push the button.

EVERYONE Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

The arm slowly moves downward.

EVERYONE Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooo (gasp) ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooo...

The arm moves closer to the button.

EVERYONE Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The sloth finally pushes the button. immediately shoots off.

The roller coaster

EXT. TALIS BRIDGE - MAGIC UNIVERSE - DAY SKY A couple of light clouds populate the clear, blue sky, not in a hurry to get anywhere.

LEGEND:

“THE EIGHTH DIMENSION: A WORLD OF MAGIC AND DRAGONS”

A green DRAGON flies across the sky.

LEGEND:

“SEE?”

A sudden light flashes in the corner of the sky. The roller coaster shoots out the light and across the sky. As it flies, it flips over and a dozen people fall out.

UNDER THE BRIDGE

11.

Ted and Bob hit the ground hard Next to the underneath of a bridge. Troll bums stand around burning trash cans to warm themselves. They both get up and dust themselves off.

TED Damn sloth. Now I’m glad I didn’t hold it.

BOB Don’t blame this on the sloth!

TED Bob, your ears are all pointy.

Bob feels his ears.

Bah!

BOB I’m a Vulcan!

Grizleth, a green bumpy homeless troll, shows up with an empty cup in his hand.

GRIZLETH Hey, can you guys spare some golden coins?

Bob jumps up on Ted “Scooby Doo-style.”

Bah!

BOB Help us, King of France!

INT. KING OF FRANCE’S OFFICE - MODERN TIMES - DAY CLOSE UP - CRUDELY DRAWN PICTURE OF FRANCE A third grader’s rendition of France, including wavy lines coming from the city. A hand drawn arrow points to the lines and is marked “stink lines.”

LEGEND:

“FRANCE - ARTIST’S RENDITION”

KING OF FRANCE sits at his desk and stares in a hand held mirror. FRENCHIE peaks his head in the door.

FRENCHIE King of France, sir, some Americans have disappeared in a roller coaster that we, the French people, built.

12.

KING OF FRANCE Maybe I should do something about it, but I don’t think I will, for I am the snooty king of France.

King French laughs and the French Assistant joins him. laugh as the credits roll and banjo theme music plays.

Several FROGS hop across the office.

They