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The Accursed Mountebanks Weekly #13

Page 1

T h eA c c u r s e dM o u n t e b a n k sW e e k l y I s s u e1 3•M a y2 8 t h ,2 0 1 8


al e t t e r f r o mt h ee d i t o r

A h o y ,e v e r y o n e !We l c o met oa n o t h e re d i t i o no fT h e A c c u r s e dMo u n t e b a n k s , at r u l ys t u p i dwa s t eo f t i me b yD o u gD r i e s e l J r . I ’ mac o me d i a n . H o w’ si t g o i n g ? Ma n , i t g o t h o t R E A L L Yq u i c k l y , d i d n ’ t i t ?I t ’ sl i k e , h e y , I mo v e di n t oag a t e dc o mmu n i t yt ok e e pr i f f r a f f l i k eT h e S u no u t , n o t t ol e t T h eS u nmo v ei nn e x t d o o rt ome . Wh a t ’ se v e nwo r s e ?L a s ty e a rt h e yl e taf a mi l yo f C a t h o l i cs p a c eh e a t e r smo v ei no nt h eO T H E Rs i d eo f me . I t ’ sl i k emyl i f ei sMA D Eo f f i r e ! D o e s n ’ t t h a t s o u n d l i k es o me t h i n gs o me o n ewo u l ds c r e a mo nR uP a u l ’ s D r a gR a c e ?I n s t e a d , i t c a mef r o mme ! A su s u a l , d o n ’ t f o r g e t t oc h e c ko u t mys i l l yp o d c a s t s . O b s c u r eR e f e r e n c ewi t hD o u gD r i e s e l J r . i saf u no n et h a t I d oi n s t u d i oa n dl i v ea tMo n k ’ sS o c i a lC l u bo nT h u r s d a y n i g h t sh e r ei nS p r i n g f i e l d . T h eo t h e ri sc a l l e dS o u t h l a n dT a l e sT a l e s , a n di t ’ ss t a r t i n gt owr a pu p . Wea r e s wi t c h i n gmo v i e s ,b u tn o ts t o p p i n gt h ep o d c a s t ! F i n a l l y , d o n ’ t f o r g e t t h a t t h ee n t e r e n c et oN a t G r e e n e p a r ki sN O T a4 wa ys t o p , d u d ewh op u l l e do u t i nf r o n t o f met h e nc a l l e dmea n“ a s s h o l e . ”


How to start anapi ary wi th yourf ri end s.


Step1 :F i ndsomeF ri end s

Go to aparkandaskpeoplei f they remembertheshow “ D ave’ sWorld . ”They wi ll. Talkabout that unti lthei ce hasbeenbroken.Then,aski f they want to beyourf ri end .


Step2:THEBEES! ! !

Qui ckly reali zeyou werenot prpai redf orthi s.Becomeovertakenby aswarmofangry bees.li vetherest ofyour li f ei nani ghtmarerealmof pai nandsorrw.


Step3:Havead i sco d anci ng party

Celebrateajobwelld onewi th ad i sco d anci ng party.D On’ t f orget to talkto peoplei n betweend ances.I fyou needa topi c,Irecommend“ D ave’ sWorld . ”


( 5 7 3 ) 3 4 7 0 3 9 8 H a v e a m e s s a g e ? W a n t t o l e a v e a c o m m e n t ? L e a v e u s a m e s s a g e a n d w e ’ l l f e a t u r e i t i n a f u t u r e i s s u e ! W a n t t ot a l ka b o u ty o u rD e v i a n tA r tp a g e ?W a n tt o p r o m o t e y o u r l o c a l b a n d a p p e a r a n c e ? W a n t t o i n v i t e t h e z i n e t o a s t e a k e a t i n g c o n t e s t ? W a n t t o c o m p a i r b a t t l e s c a r s ? W a n t t o f l i n g d i r t i n t o t h e e y e s o f o u r c o m m o nc a p t o r s ? W a n t t o g l i d e o nt h e w i n dl i k e a s q u i r r e l f r o mt r e e t o t r e e ? C a l l u s . L e a v e a m e s s a g e . T h i s i s t h ee d i c t t h a t h a s b e e np a s s e dd o w nf r o m g e n e r a t i o nt og e n e r a t i o n , T h i sa n db r u s h i n gy o u r t e e t h . L o o k , g a n g , w e o n l y g e t s o m a n y t e e t h . T a k e c a r e o f t h o s e s o n s o f b i t c h e s ! L a pu pt h e l u x u r y o f y o u r m o u t h ! E a t a b i s c u i t w i t h g r a v y o n i t ! C o u g h u p a f u r b a l l f o r t h e h e l l o f i t , d u d e ! I t ’ s y o u r l i f e . I t ’ s o u r G o o g l e v o i c e l i n e . L e a v e t h a t m e s s a g e . D o n ’ t d i e .


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