The Accursed Mountebanks Weekly #10

MA Y7 T H , 2 0 1 8 I s s u e 1 0

T h e A c c u r s e d Mo u n t e b a n k s WE E K L Y

l e t t e rf r o mt h ee d i t o r

Ah o y !

I ’ mt h e e d i t o r o f t h i s s t u p i dz i n e .

I t ’ s p r e t t ys t u p i d , r i g h t ?I s t h i sy o u rf i r s ti s s u e ?I fi ti s , y o u ’ l l f i n do u ts o o n .

I fy o u ’ v eb e e n r e a d i n gu s f o r awh i l e , t h e ny o uk n o wh o ws t u p i dt h i s wh o l e t h i n gi s .

Li k e , t h eDUMBEST!Id o n ’ te v e ng i v et h i n g sas e c o n dd r a f t s o me t i me s .

La s twe e k ’ si s s u e , Iwa sd o i n gat h i n g .

I twa sp r e t t y f u n n y .I twa saDrWh op a r o d yc a l l e d“ DrWh a t . ”Ik n o w, r i g h t ?I t wr i t e s i t s e l f .

Or , a t l e a s t , Iwi s hi t h a d .

Be c a u s ewh e nI wr o t e i t , Iwa s t y p i n gs of a s t , Iwr o t e t h e wo r d‘ t h e ’ wh e nIme a n t t h ewo r d‘ t o ’f o rwh a t e v e rr e a s o n ,a n dd i d n ’ tn o t i c eu n t i l Ih a d a l r e a d yp u t t h ei s s u eo u t .

Th u s i s l i f e , a mIr i g h t , Fr e n c hp e o p l e ?

Fr e n c hp e o p l e ?AmIr i g h t ?Ah , y o ud o n ’ t k n o w!An ywh o s i t s , t h i s t h i n gi s s t u p i d , we ’ r ea l l wa s t i n go u rt i me , a n ds o o nwewi l l b e d e a d .

Un t i l t h e n , f i l l y o u rt i meu pwi t hc o me d y , Is a y !

Yo uc a n f o l l o wme ,t h ee d i t o r ,o na l l t h es o c i a l s@d o u g d r i e s e l j r .Id ot wo p o d c a s t s t h a t It h i n ky o u ’ l l e n j o yi f y o ul i k e t h i s t h i n g .

On e i s c a l l e d Ob s c u r eRe f e r e n c ewi t hDo u gDr i e s e l J r . a n dt h eo t h e ri sc a l l e d So u t h l a n dTa l e s Ta l e s .

Ob s c u r e Re f e r e n c e i s awe i r ds h o wwh e r e I h a n go u t wi t hc h a r a c t e r s a n dwe s a yt h e d u mb e s t s t u f f t h a t c o me s t o o u rmi n d s .So u t h l a n dTa l e sTa l e si sad a i l yp o d c a s ta b o u tt h e mo v i eSo u t h l a n dTa l e s .

Al s o , i f y o u ’ r es t i l l o nFa c e b o o k , y o uc a n f i n du so nt h e r e .

FB. c o m/ t h e a c c u r s e d mo u n t e b a n k s .

Th e n , a f t e r t h a t , y o uc a nd i e , o r k e e pl i v i n g , a s i s y o u r p e r v i e w.

I ’ mn o t g o i n gt o t e l l y o uh o wt ol i v e y o u r l i f e , o r n o t .

I ’ mj u s t ah u mb l e d u d e , t y p i n g o nak e y b o a r d ,t h a th a sk e y st h a ts t i c k ,b e c a u s eIa c c i d e n t l y d r o p p e ds o me mo c h al a t t e o nt h e l e f t h a n ds i d e .

En j o yd u mbs h i t !

TheDelRi oFami l ySi nger s “ Fucki ngSTOKEDAboutCat s ”

The dus tbl ew al lar ound hi sf ace.

The mi ni s cul er ocks ,wor n awayby t i meandt heel ement s ,bouncedof f ofhi scheek,t henwer epi ckedr i ght backupbyt hewi ndagai n,of ft ofly i nt ot he f ace ofs ome guy named Ri ck.Butt hatguy ,t hi s“ Ri ck”f el l ow, he’ snotourpr ot agoni s t .I nf act ,I don’ tknow whot hi sRi cki s .

Hel i ves i n Phoeni x.He hasa wi f e and t wo ki ds ,oneadopt ed,onenat ur al .The nat ur albi r t h near l yki l l ed hi swi f e, s ot heyadopt ed t hei rs econd chi l d f r om a l ocal coupl e who wer e s el l i ng t hei r s on t he bl ack mar ket f orcr ackmoney .Theyt ur nedi nt he coupl e af t er t he paper wor k went t hr ough,butIdon’ tknow i ft hat makes t hem good peopl e or bad peopl e.I ’ m notr eal l yher et oj udge Ri ck,and hi swi f e,who ar enott he mai n char act er soft hi ss t or y .Even t hough t hey’ ve been known t o do s omepr et t ys hadys t uf f .Backi nt he ni net i es ,bef or et hey got mar r i ed, nei t her one pai df or cabl e.Ri ck’ s wi f e,whowe’ l lcal l“ Becky , ”becaus e t hat ’ s hername,gotf r ee cabl e by flas hi ngt hecabl ei ns t al l er .

Ri ckj us t flat out cl i mbed up a pol l and s pl i ceds omewi r es .That ’ swhyMTV nevercame i n qui t er i ghti nt hat nei ghbor hood.Pl us ,t hi s one t i me Ri ck at e dog meat on a vi s i tt o Chi na.ON PURPOSE!Pl us ,he was t her ef orhi shumant r af ficki ngr i ng.

Her ant hebooksf oraTr i adhuman t r af ficki ngr i ng.Appar ent l y ,t heygot hi m onl oanf r om t heRus s i anmafia, wher e he had wor ked pr evi ous l y .

That ’ swhyhehadal lt hos et at t oos .

And di d I ment i on Becky was a pr os t i t ut e?Imean,t hat ’ snotabi g deal ,i nandofi t s el f .I t s herbody , s hecan dowhats hewant swi t hi t .

The pr obl em i st hats he was t he

ki nd ofpr os t i t ut et hatwoul d dr ug you s ot hata bl ack mar ketdoct or coul d t ake out your ki dney and l eave you i n a bat ht ub f ul lofi ce.

That ’ s how s he got t hos e connect i ons t o get t hos e cr ackheads ’baby .But ,l i ke Is ai d,I don’ tr eal l y know anyt hi ng about Ri ckandhi swi f eBecky , and I ’ m cer t ai nl ynother et oj udget hem by t hei rhor r i bl e,hor r i bl e act i ons .

Event houghRi ckhasdi r ect l yki l l ed s i x peopl e,i ncl udi ng hi sfir s twi f e.

On a boat !They made a Li f et i me movi eabouti t .

Avoi dRi ck, He’ l lKi l lYouOnHi sBoat i swhati twascal l ed.I tai r ed once, t hen was pul l ed f orbei ng “ gr os s l y accur at e, ”what evert hatmeans .I ’ m notoneoft heheadhonchosoverat Li f et i meT el evi s i on,t hough Iwi s hI wer e.Ican’ tt el lyouwhatt hatt er m means any mor et han Icoul dt el l you t hatBeckyonces ol dAmer i can s ecr et st oI SI S becaus es he wasa f anoft hes event i est el evi s i ons how by t he s ame name and was J UST. THAT. STUPI D.

No,t het er r i bl eRi ckandmons t r ous Beckyar enott hemai nchar act er sof t hi ss t or y .That woul d be a good s t or y .Imean,youhear daboutt hei r pactwi t h Sat an,r i ght ?Yeah,t hey t r avel l eddi r ect l yt o hel lt o makei t and ever yt hi ng.I don’ t know t he s peci ficsoft hatpact , j us tl i keIdon’ t know t hat Ri ck gr ew up on Pr at t St r eeti nt he s ubur bs ofMi s s oul a, Mont ana,wher ehewasr es pons i bl e f or t he deat hs of up t o 56 nei ghbor hood pet s .And when s he was a ki d, Becky dr ugged and s uf f ocat edherpar ent sf ort hei rl i f e i ns ur ancemoney , whi chs hebl ew f ol l owi ngTheNew Ki dsont heBl ock

ar ound t he count r y .But ,enough about Ri ck and Becky , who ar e deci dedl yNOT t he s ubj ect soft hi s s t or y .

Backt oourpr ot agoni s t .

The s and bounced of fhi sf ace l i ke l i t t l e r ocks ,et c. et c. He was i n Tucs on,f oran i nt er nat i onalhuman t r af ficki ngconvent i on.

That ’ swhyhe wass o cl os et o Ri ckt hatt he s and coul d bounce of fofhi m and on t o Ri ck’ s weat her ed f ace f r om wher e t he hel l fir e bur ned hi sf or ehead.

Ri ckwasas i ckman.That ’ sf ors ur e.

Buthewast hePeanut scomi cs t r i p compar ed t o our pr ot agoni s t .He s ol dhi sownmom i nt os l aver y , t hen boughther , t henf or cedhert owat ch Paul yShor emovi esunt i ls hes t ar t ed bl eedi ng f r om t heeyes ,whi ch was , l i ke, fif t eenmi nut esi nt oSoni nLaw. I ’ vemadei tal lt hewayt hr ought hat movi e.

I t ’ snott hewor s tfil m.

It hi nk maybehi smom j us thads omet hi ng wr ong wi t h her eyes .I s “ eye s t i gmat a”at hi ng?

Anyway ,a bi r d flew i nt ot hatguy’ s di ck.

THEEND!

m i cf a l l o u t .

A sar e s u l t , t h eg o v e r n m e n t p l a c e sah i g hp r i o r i t yo nt h o s et h a t c a ns r t l yb e f o r et h em o v i eo p e n s , ag r o u po f m u t a n t a m p h i b i a n s( w h oh a v eb e e ne x i l e r t b yh u m a n s )c a p t u r eag r o u po f f e r t i l ew o m e na n da r eu s i n gt h e ma ss e xs l a l ( P i p e r )i san o m a d i ct r a v e l e rw h ow a n d e r st h ec o u n t r y s i d e .

H ei se v e n t u a l l yc a o r g a n i z a t i o no f w a r r i o r n u r s e s , t h ec l o s e s t t h i n gt oag o v e r n m e n t i nh i s r e g i o no f t or e v e a l t h a t t h e yl o c a t e dh i mb yt r a c k i n gt h et r a i l o fp r e g n a n t w o m e nl e f t i nh i ro r i g i n a l p l a nw a st ou s eh i ma sb r e e d i n gs t o c kw i t ht h e i rc o l l e c t i o no ff e r t i l e t h i s w a s t h eg r o u pc a p t u r e db yt h em u t a n t s .

W i t ht h e i r o w na t t e m p t s t oc a p t u r et h i n g , t h eg r o u pp r e s s e sH e l l i n t os e r v i c ea sam e r c e n a r y ; h ei st oi n f i l t r a t et h em r o g a t o r i l yr e f e r r e dt oa s" F r o g t o w n " )a n dr e s c u et h ew o m e n .T om a k es u r e e l l i o u sH e l l f o l l o w sh i so r d e r s , h ei sf o r c e dt ow e a ra ne l e c t r o n i cp r o t e c t i v ec o d p l e x p l o d e i f h e d i s o b e y s o r t r i e s t o a b o r t h i s m i s s i o n .

H a v i n ga l r e a d yt a k e nn u m e r o u r e p r o d u c t i v em a t e r i a l f r o mh i m ,h ei sn o wd e e m e df a rm o r ee x p e n d a b l et h a nt h m s e l v e s .

T oa i dh i mi nh i sm i s s i o n( a n dm a k es u r eh ef o l l o w st h ep l a n ) , h ei sp a o ft h en u r s e s , S p a n g l e( B e r g m a n ) , a n da na g g r e s s i v eg u a r dn a m e dC e n t i n e l l a( i n gt h e i rj o u r n e yt oF r o g t o w n , H e l l t r i e sn u m e r o u st i m e st oe s c a p eb u t q u i c k l yl e e v i c eS p a n g l ec a r r i e sw i l l s h o c kh i sg e n i t a l si fu s e do ri fh eg e t st o of a ra w a y p i t et h e i rr o c k ys t a r t a n dS p a n g l e ' si n i t i a l c o l dd e m e a n o r , t h ep a i rg r o wc l o s e rd r n e ya n de v e n t u a l l yf a l l i nl o v e .

W h e nt h e yr e a c hF r o g t o w n , e v e r y o n ei n v o l v e di s L e a v e u s a m e s s a g e f o r a f r o g s ' s e c o n d i n c o m m a n d , B u l l ( N i c h o l a sW o r t h ) , t o r t u r e sH e l l a n da t t e m p t st or e f u t u r e i s s u e . p i e c ef o r i t st e c h n o l o g y .

M e a n w h i l e , a s l i g h t l y d r u g g e d S p a n g l ei sf o r c e dt ow o r ka d a n c ef o rt h ef r o g s ' C o m m a n d e r T o t y( B r i a n F r a n k )9 i nt h en o t a b l e" D a n c eo f t ( 5 7 3 ) 3 4 7 0 3 8 k e s "s e q u e n c e .

P r o v i n gm o r es u c c e s s f u l t h a ns h eh a dw i s h e d , t h en u r s es o o nf i n d t h em e r c yo f t h ea r o u s e dc o m m a n d e r .

H o w e v e r , w i t ht h ec o d p i e c en o wr e m o v e d( B

Common Kama Sutra for Album Lovers