The Accursed Mountebanks Weekly #1

T h e A c c u r s e d Mo u n t e b a n k s w e e k l y i s s ue1 Marc h5 th

Th e“ wait 30 Minutes AFTER You Eat Befor e Going Swimming” Issue

15 Ways to Please Your Man.

abor ing per son r ecounts a dr eam th ey h ad

I ' mn o tg o o da th o r s e s h o e s ,b u tI ' m AMAZI NG a tWHOR Es h o e s .

" Whatam I , I fy o uc a n ' ts t a n dt h eh a t , g e t choppedl i ver ?

"-outofthehaberdashery.

Amnes i ac choppedl i ver . " Th i si d e ah a sb e e n b o a r dc e r t i f i e d . " -Th eWo o dC o u n c i l .

WANTED YOURMOM

SuddenRi s ei nCas s et t eT ape Market I ncreas es Amount of Dav e Pri nt i ng Off Report s andY elli ng“ See! ? ” W i t h recent upt i cks i n s pendi ng amongs tt he nos t algi a-s t arv ed y out h of t oday ,one of t he manys urpri s i ng market up-s w i ngs comesi nt heformofcas s et t e t apes .

been y elli ng, ‘ See! ? ! SEE? ! ’ and poi nt i ng v i gorous ly at t he headli ne, but I don’ t know w hat he’ s t alki ng about . ”

Dale, anot her of Dav e’ s long-t i me croni es elaborat es .“ He s omehow t hi nks t hi s v ali dat es hi s huge cas s et t ecollect i on.W ell,i t does n’ t ,Dav e!I t ’ sw ei rd t hat y ou ow ns i x copi es of t he Oncet houghtadead medi um, Bat dance cas i ngle! Get a cas s et t et apeshav e made an gi rlfri end! ” expect ed comeback ov er t he W hen reached for comment , las tfewy ears .

Dav e poi nt ed at a pi ece of W hi leat t empt i ng t ori det he paper t hat had a w ebs i t e w av eofnos t algi at hatcat a- pri nt ed on i t .“ I t ’ srelev ant pult ed t he v i ny l record agai n, ” Dav ey elled at t he market t ot he t op s elli ng report er unt i lt he report er format for mus i c, cas s et t e got uncomfort able and w alkedaw ay . dupli cat i on does n’ t carry t he i nherent cos t and w ai t t i me of i t sv i ny l count erpart s .

As more and more report s emerge from more and more “ new s out let s ” acros st he i nt ernet ,a di s t urbi ng t rend hasari s en. “ Dav e’ s been pri nt i ng t hes e report s out and bri ngi ng t hem i nt ot he bar, ” Dav e’ s fri end Carl report s .“ He’ s

Steve Boxscemi

d o n ’ t wa t c h j u ma n j i

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Y OungFrankens t ei n•drow ni ngmona•chi cago•t headv ent ures ofbuckaroobanzaiacros st heei gt hdi mens i on•li feaquat i c w i t hs t ev ezi s s ou•Pari s ,T X•T heQui ckandt heDead•dut ch

T hereas onI ' v enev erbeent oNewY orki st hatI ' djus ts pendt he w holet i merunni ngaround,y elli ng," W hydon' ty oupeoplegot o s leep? ! "

" Allt hegoodguy si nNewY orkareei t hergayorali v e. " -Necrophi li acAboutT ow n

i f you want t oc h e c k ou t mor e “t h e ac c u r s e d mou nt e b ank s we e k l y, ”t h e n go t o ou rf ac e b ook p ageatf b . c om/T h e Ac c u r s e d Mou nt e b ank s.wep u t ou tt womont h l ye d i t i onsandanat t e mp t e dt h i r d mont h l ye d i t i on b e f or et h i s ,b u tt h i si st h ef i r s t i s s u e ,yo!t h i sc r apwasal lp u tt oge t h e rb yd ou g d r i e s e lj r .nott h atanyonee xp e c t syou t ok now wh ot h ati sorWHY h e ’ sd oi ng t h i s .youc anf i nd h i m onmos ts oc i alme d i as i t e sas@d ou gd r i e s e l j r . t h i szi nei smos t l yav ai l ab l ear ou ndt h es p r i ngf i e l d , mo ar e a,b u t mayb e you c an p i c ki tu pi nt h e f u t u r el at e r .wec an’ tt al kab ou tt h ef u t u r e .we ’ r e nott h et h eamazi ng c r i s we l l .T HAT d u d ek ne wa t h i ngort woab ou tt h ef u t u r e .h ewas n’ tab i gf an of “b e i ng e xc e l l e nt t oe ac h ot h e r . ”b u t ,h ed i d t r av e lar ou ndi na p h oneb oot h .not ,l i k e ,a t i me t r av e l l i ng p h oneb oot h ,b u t ,l i k e ,a r e gu l arp h one b oot ht h at h ep u t a go-c ar t mot or and s ome wh e e l soni t .h ed r i v e si tar ou ndoni t ss i d e .i tc an onl yr e al l y go d ownh i l l ,ot h e r wi s e ,h eh ast oj u s t ge tou tandp u s h .j u s tl i k eu s .onl y,wed on’ td r i v e h oneb oot h .wed r i v ea1999f or dt au r u s .i tu s e d ap t ob eou rgr e atgr and ma’ s ,b u tweh adt ot ak eh e r l i c e ns eaway,s oSOMEONEh adt oge tt h ec ar .no s p e c i al mod i f i c at i ons we r e ne e d e dt o mak et h e t au r u sd r i v e ab l e .j u s tc h angi ng t h ep r e s e t son h e r r ad i o.i t was mos t l yc h r i s t i an r oc k and s t at i c . e nou ghs t at i ct ol e tyouk now t h ats h ej u s tne v e r s e th e rp r e s e t s ,andt h ec h r i s t i an r oc kt h i ng was j u s ts e r e nd i p i t ou s .s e eyouj e r k sne xtwe e k !