I, The Indira Magazine

I

the indira magazine

Indira Shows You How To

Be Happier

by cutting 2.1% of your worries

april 2012 indiramag.ca Can - $290.00

Inside: A Tour of the Presidential Palace Cooking with NestlĂŠ and More Great Stories About Indira!

“What’s your favourite place on campus?”

I

t h e I ND I RA magazine

FOUNDER AND EDITORIAL DIRECTOR

Indira!

My office.

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

That place with the burritos.

Wherever I can get scotch.

Duh, I like turtles.

Budget cuts?! But I’ve been here for 30 years!

EDITOR AT LARGE

Heights.

Justinius Bellicose

Atop a Pegasus.

DEPUTY EDITOR

DEPUTY deputy EDITOR

DEPUTies EDITOR

Alec Mydol

Myron Broomslove

Madds Smythe

director of digital imagery

Beauty Directrix

arts editor

under assistant wordsmith

Flan von Sechsnie

Sabrina Teenage-Witch

Vacant

June May

writer at large

sex offender at large

stylin’ intern

profilin’ intern

Hatelyn Haut-Phart

Marcy Flopman

Lana Thrillerton

A.J.Young

In front of a mirror.

Indiramag.ca

DEPUTease editor

Buttsy Metal

Graphical soupmaker

indiraMAG.cA

deliverist

Cinzano Rosso

Mordin Solus

Slytherin Dutch-Oven

In front of a one-way mirror.

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Al “X.L.” Dridge

april 2012

On the Internet.

Bio Sci!

contents

April 2012 Special

A tour of Indira’s mansion

22 I,The Indira Magazine, gets an exclusive tour of the presidential palace, the location of which has been hidden for years. Indira shows off the infamous Tory desk, the green and gold lawn and the new presidential bathroom.

8 unleashing your inner radic al Indira herself discusses how to unleash your inner radical and dare to discover the path to radicalness without protest.

33 top takeaways I, the Indira Magazine counts down the top U of A takeaways from the 2011/12 season.

From jobs to student consultation, we’ve seen it all go this year!

31 advice from dr. frank Dr. Frank brings his expertise to I, the Indira Magazine and gives advice to readers on how to deal with a variety of student life issues, from fitting in to finding love.

27 how not to starve Dr. Phyllis Clark gives some handy tips on how not to end up a shriveled corpse of a student. Give all your money to Phyllis, then cut up you credit cards and don’t eat out at restaurants — live solely on rabbits harvested from Quad.

37

“live your best arts degree”

38

“indira’s favourite things”

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Cool Story!

In March, you were inspired by protesters, some water bottle company, and our profighle on the Students’ Union president.

Occupy This

himself. Then again, as a KFC fantatic, I took prighde in the fact the Tighe enjoys frighed foods. Any passerbighe can clearly tell that Rory is a good gighe.

Oh God, I am so over these Occupy fools.

Books not bombs, my ass. Listen Indira, don’t listen to what any of the crazy-ass leftists have to say. Education is not a right, no matter what they say! I pretty much died of laughter having to restrain these people from occupying the campus.

The officer:student ratio was laughable.I’ll show these punks something to occupy.

Ro ry TI g he ’s s e c re tary

Room 2-900, SUB

Indira Eats What was going on that heinous cover last month? Indira making a sandwich? Wow, way to bring back the women’s movement by 100 years. The only thing that made it worse was that the sandwich was from L’Express. Nice craft services budget you’ve got there,

o f f i c er

Campus 5-0 This was an incredibly disturbing piece.

The capitalist minds of Indira and Carl are on full display in this article, and it’s just a matter of time before the U of A privatizes education. Oh, the horror of it all.

wo m e n ’s s t u d i e s m aj o r

Burning down the Dewey’s kitchen Ra bi d Monkey Gi rl

Remedy Café

U of A Hustler

Rory’s Lighfe

Your exposé on the U of A’s underground hustlers network was eye-opening. Erryday were hustlin’.

What a great piece about our Students’ Union president! It’s highe tighme we got to see the true prez. I have to admit, I sighed when I read that Rory Tighe lighed about buying a bona-fighed car for

fi rs t- ye ar s t u d e n t

Doesn’t know what’s coming

Digital Shorts Our six-word memoirs written by I readers last month proved to be smash, so this month, the administration gave them a try: 4

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april 2012

Indi ra

Fran k Ro b i n s o n

P hyl l i s c l ark

p e t e r b rab e c k

A n g ry M e t ro L a dy

Have these pantsuits

I look mad, but I’m not.

I always look mad.

Blowin’ Hershey’s kisses

Take a free Metro,

Bling, bling.

to my haters.

bitch.Yolo.

been starched?

Pursue Knowledge!

M

Y LIFE as President of the University of Alberta is tumultuous — filled with first-class flights and meeting important people. But it’s not easy, my dear reader. In light of our tough financial realities, I’ve found my life has changed drastically. I’ve been forced to switch from crocodile meat to ostrich, and I only have enough money to buy 15 new pantsuits every year, down from my typical collection of 30 — oh, the choices we must all make. But my hope for you is that this magazine will give you the wisdom and solace needed in these difficult times.The wisdom comes in many forms, from writing tips from our very own Dr. Phil Quaker (page 29), to personal advice from Dr. Frank (pages 31-32). I hope these remarkable gentleman prove as insightful for you as they are for me in our day-to-day encounters.

This magazine will also give you insight into the real Indira. After all, the magazine does bear my name, so perhaps you’ll finally understand exactly what it is that makes me tick. You’ll get an exclusive tour of my home and find a list of

my favourite things.You’ll also find out that my favourite sport is dog-surfing and I have a pet flamingo. More importantly, you’ll realize that I love the U of A, and I am dedicated to this institution. So take heart, little people.

I am guiding the U of A through these difficult times. I have a dream that, one day, this institution will rise up and live out the prosperity of this great province. Together, we will build a university where crocodile meat will be served in every campus cafeteria and every top administrator will have a million dollar home. And I’ll have a ten million dollar palace.

“This magazine will give you insight into the real Indira.”

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Indira Presents...

The Latest Installment in the Samarasekera Leadership Series

How To Unleash Your

Inner Radical

Do you often feel like a wallflower? Is life getting you a down? Motivational speaker Indira Samarasekera’s got some tips on unleashing your inner spirit — without making the U of A look bad.

S

tudents, staff, and faculty: Being radical isn’t easy.

I should know. As the president of the University of Alberta,I make all kinds of radical decisions every day — from forging campus spirit through innovative pizza parties to reining in professors who speak out of line during radio interviews.Decisions like that don’t come easily,my friends. They require a certain level of tenacity not found in too many people.

But whether you realize it or not,there’s an inner radical just waiting to be unleashed from within you,too. That’s why I’ve put pen to paper,outlining what you need to do in order to realize your true radical potential.

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Leadership I begin by harkening back to an early conception of the modern university by — err, sorry, wrong speech.

A few weeks ago, I had never even heard of the world radical. It was only through the sage wisdom of my speechwriters that I began to understand the notion of this magical term.The word sounded right.As I stood in front of the mirror, watching myself repeat it endlessly, I could envision the audience at my university address standing up and applauding me for my inspirational message.

Alright, so the end result wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. A couple of people might have blinked when I said it, but I digress.

First off, think about what an inner radical actually means. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t mean throwing the rule book out the window.

Indeed, I dared to discover.

My guide hinges upon these three familiar words: reimagine, rethink and reinvigorate. According to my accountants, these three words will change your life and turn you into the truly radical person your university needs you to be.

Let’s elaborate. Say you go to school every day thinking you’re working for an arts degree that isn’t even worth anything.

Well, guess what society, look at the biggest radical on campus, Dean of Arts Lesley Cormack. Her words on the administration are just so virtuous, so… refreshing.

Before you consider dropping out altogether or transferring to another “scientific”degree, take a moment to rethink your priorities. Part of the reason you’re unhappy about your situation is because you’re spending too much time actually trying to get good grades.This is just wrong.

“My guide hinges upon three familiar words: reimagine, rethink, and reinvigorate. According to my accountants, these three words will change your life.”

In fact, it’s quite the opposite. It takes expert guidance and investment — my advice, your money — to truly discover the inner radical that is you, so that you can become like me: pragmatically. Trust me on this.

The first and most important step to unleashing your inner radical is discovering it.

That sounds obvious, but it’s much easier said than done. Discovering your radical takes time, guts, and more money than you’ll ever see in your lifetime — at least until you pay off your student loans.

Let me give you an example. When I first set out to discover my inner radical, I dared myself to spend all the resources at my disposal to doing it in five years.

First off, you have bills to pay — somewhere to the tune of $69 million, last time my accountants checked. So get your ass off campus and down to the local Safeway, or something, to do something more necessary.

What’s that? You’re poor and studious? You can’t be both at the same time.

But not to worry, grades can take care of themselves. I mean, why work harder when you can work... differently? Be resourceful.

Use your friends or the internet or something — yes, it’s really that easy and it pays off, too. Just ask my good friend Phil Quaker. He’s so deep that he doesn’t even need his words to express his own thoughts. Now there’s a true inner radical.

Take a page out of my book too, and get someone else — your parents, your government, whomever you can milk for money — to pay for your stuff, be it a degree, a limousine, or even a house. I mean, we all need to reinvigorate and give ourselves a break and give a pat on their back every now and then.

University can be a tiresome experience.

You’re invigorated at the start of it,but your external radicalness might hold you back and leave you feeling frustrated, tired and ignored. Do yourself a favour and stop being so superficially radical.

Be a deeper sort of radical: the kind that agrees with neighbours so we can all get along, despite our differences.And if you do have those differences somewhere in there, you’d better unleash it, and quick.

Once again, we don’t actually need your outer radical here — in fact, the bigger your outer radical, the more it needs to be unleashed... elsewhere. As long as you’re here, though, just do the safe thing and keep your radical inner, especially if it’s the kind that occupies things. The less occupying, and the more internal your radical is, the better for all involved.

Trust me, nobody pays attention to a point that needs to be heard, so don’t waste your time trying; go make a controversy about something else nobody needs to hear instead, if you must: like advocating for white males or promoting infant formula for those that least need it. Just a thought.

To sum it up, remember: an inner radical never protests, and if it’s the kind that does, it needs to be unleashed, expelled, and relieved from our safe haven of ideas.

It is a privilege to be a president of such a strong and vibrant institution, and I look forward to seeing you all unleash your inner radicals. Just don’t ever make me look bad.

Yours Truly,

indira “ra dic a l” samara sekera april 2012

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I-onoshpere

What’s totally cray this month...

Indira’s Lifeclass asks,

“What Brings You Joy?” Making more money than everyone else… and throwing ridiculously large pizza parties.

President Indira Samarasekera

I love everything President Samarasekera loves.

Provost Carl Amrhein

Giving speeches… but I just hate writing them.

Former Dean of Medicine Phil Quaker Not liking field hockey… and looking after my sick cat.

Athletics Director Dr. Ian Reade

Just being me.

SU President Rory Tighe

Reading Room

Indira’s Book Club

Due to the tough financial reality of our institution, I’ve had to eliminate my world-famous Book Club. Although your literary choices will no longer be dictated by a mere sticker affixed to a book cover, I still consider arts one of the fundamental pillars of our institution. As such, I offer you a couple of suggestions for some cost-effective reads.

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O University of Alberta C alendar

O The Code of Student Behaviour

This exhilarating read promises to keep you flipping through the night as the horror of the next four years sinks in.

Read it, learn it, love it, respect it. Holla!

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Live

like a rich

Person

the world according to

Carl

Indira’s right-hand brony dishes about what’s so rad in his life right now.

i w e n t g ag a f o r . . .

i ’ m o u t r ag e d b y. . .

...U of A connections! The latest internet trend is U of A’s very own dating website. How sexy is that?

Any faculty member with a valid U of A email can join! Online dating is the perfect thing for people with busy schedules, like me. Do you like long walks on the beach? Why, so do I! It’s a match made in heaven. And soon, the website will feature live chat and multiple profile pictures. It’s like a dream for lonely provosts.

...stupid kids that whine and complain. Let me tell you kids something. I know that being a student sucks.You have endless work and loans, no sleep, no friends, no beer money, blah, blah, blah. But what sucks even more is all of you throwing your crummy problems my way.

All I ever hear is “Carl, why this?” or “Carl, why that?” No one can ever shut up and just let me do my job. But apparently I actually have to listen to all you chronic complainers, and figure out a way to put up with this annoyance.

i wa s e x c i t e d w h e n I h e a r d. . .

...they were making a Star Trek 2. The new ones where Kirk and Spock and all his buddies are kids.

Nothing helps me unwind after a stressful day like popping in a Star Trek DVD — any Star Trek DVD, movie or episode. Just like Kirk, I don’t believe in the no-win scenario.

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“Having the title of provost before your name means you’re the life preserver for everyone else in the office!”

i a m i n l ov e w i t h . . .

...powerful titles, because apparently having the title of provost before your name means you’re the life preserver for everyone else in the office. I don’t even know what provost means. It sounds pretty prestigious though, and elusive. As though I’m some sort of powerful magician. Keeps the people guessing.

Live

like a rich

Person

How to $pend your Danielle Dollar$ 1) A telegram communic ation system for professors It’s no secret that U of A English professors have been without phones for years, which cuts them off from the rest of the world.

While they may not be able to afford a phone, professors will finally be able to set down the tin cans and put their Danielle Dollars towards the next best thing: a telegram communication system. It may seem like a step into the past rather than towards the future, but it’s better than what they have now — nothing.

2) Your ticket to the c ampus music al — if it ever actually happens All year students and faculty members across campus have been eagerly anticipating the arrival of the campus musical promised by this year’s Student’s union Vice-President (Student Life) ColtenYamagishi.While our hopes may have been futile, there’s no reason that we can’t set aside a few of our Danielle Dollars in anticipation of the possible ticket sale to come.

3) Finding a healthy meal on c ampus Starving students this year have been complaining about the lack of healthy, delicious food alternatives on campus. Now, with the help of Danielle Dollars, not only will you be able to afford the abundance of healthy food options that have been elusively hidden away on campus, but you’ll also be able to find them.

Scope them out yourself, or go ahead and splurge by hiring a private detective, if you must. After all, you can finally afford it.

4) A motorized scooter Is the idea of having to run from your class in CCIS all the way to the Telus Building getting you down? Well, with the help of your Danielle Dollars, you can arrive to class on time and in style on your very own motorized scooter. Never again will you be late or out of breath as your motorized scooter faithfully scuttles around campus, much to the envy of your fellow students.

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Live

Cooking with Nestlé

like a rich

Person

After a hard day of being in charge, the university's top administrators love to sit down to some homemade ready-cooked food made by the best company ever: Nestlé.

C a m e ro n L i b r a ry Lef tovers

Just like mom used to make 6 slices Delissio Pepperoni Pizza 4 boxes Stouffer’s Bistro Chicken, Broccoli & Cheddar Crustini 3 boxes Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine Ginger Beef Stirfry 1 CoSSS Fee Tears of undergraduate students, to taste Prep Time: 10 minutes Cost: $290 + $10 (unless you stole your roommate’s leftover pizza) Combine all ingredients in a microwave-safe bowl. Cook on high power in the microwave in the CAB-Cameron pedway, and then transfer the mixture to your workstation on main floor Cameron.This recipe always smells great, so make sure to waft the lovely scent all throughout the library.

B u d g e t- C u t I c e C r eam Su rp ris e

One of Carl’s favourites 3 cups Rolo Ice Cream 1 Nestlé Carmel Nut Drumstick Ice Cream Cone 1 two per cent budget cut 1 CoSSS Fee Tears of Arts staff members, to taste Prep Time: 10 minutes Cost $290 + 2% Place Rolo ice cream in bowl. Eat with spoon. Find the nearest Arts staff member. Give them the Drumstick ice cream cone. Once their hopes have been raised, take the Drumstick away and eat it in their face.

P e t e ’ s H o n o r a ry Degree Celebratio n Pu nc h

Sure to be a hit with all of your party guests 1 Case Nestlé Pure Life Water, Kiwi-Strawberry Splash Flavour 1 Case Nestlé Pure Life Water, Orange Splash Flavour 1 Case Nestlé Pure Life Water, Lemon Splash Flavour 1 Case Nestlé Pure Life Water, Raspberry Splash Flavour 1 CoSSS Fee Tears of protesters, to taste Prep Time: 15 minutes Cost: $290 + $20 Combine equal portions of each ingredient in a punch bowl. Serve chilled. When you pick these up at the grocery store, make sure you get bottled water from a depleted aquifer in Michigan — they have the best flavour.

N e s t l é ’ s Ni gh t C ap

Take two before bed 3 Cats 1/2 ounce of zambuca Scotch 1/2 CoSSS Fee Prep Time: Two minutes, plus six months in the Remand Centre Cost: $145 + 3 cats Combine ingredients in a blender. Blend thoroughly. Pour over ice.

MEOW! april 2012

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What’s the

?

Exclusively at

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Thowing your own Presidential Pizza Party Sometimes, life just isn’t fair. There’s unrest in the world, people are fighting for freedom in Syria,and the invisible children of Uganda just can’t seem to catch a break.Closer to home, people are upset about increasing taxes, poor services and cuts to pretty much everything else. People need something to hope for in these trying times, and if you want to keep hope alive, you’ll have to give the people what they really want — pizza.

Putting a big pizza party together isn’t easy. It’s not just ordering some pizza and putting it out there for popular consumption.There’s a subtle art to influencing people with your pizza. I’ve thrown more than a few pizza parties, and I hope these simple steps will help make your own pizza party the best it can be!

1.Visibility is critical. There’s nothing worse than ordering 1,200 pizzas and having them sit around, all lonely and uneaten. High-traffic areas are key. If you can set up in the middle of a freeway or beside a McDonald’s, all the better. I’ve also had a lot of success with setting up near plastic surgeons and in front of Curves.

2.The price point is essential. Make sure that you order the cheapest pizza possible; it’s quantity over quality here.

What’s the point in having a party where only two guests get to eat some gold-plated‘za? That’s why I get all of my pizza from Aramark — you get the best pizza bang for your buck. If you’re running low on Aramark pizza, supplement with some dumpster pies.You can’t tell the difference.

Nom nom nom...

3. Make an appearance. People will want to see your lovely face. Shake some hands (be sure to carry some hand sanitizer), and make sure to bring a marker for any autographs.You should never miss an opportunity to sign someone’s baby. Most important is that you need to appear to care about everyone’s problems.A little sympathy goes a long way. But don't stay for long, you have shit to do.

4. Have a little fun. You’re raising everyone else’s spirits, so you should get to enjoy yourself as well.Tell every 10th person in line that they are entered in a draw for $100, but award the money to yourself at the end of the event.

You’re better than all of these people, so you deserve a little something in return for your generosity.

5. Don’t eat any pizza. Pizza is for serfs.You don’t need to be eating the gruel of the proletariat. In addition, pizza is a death trap in food form, and there’s literally nothing worse for you to eat. Don’t accidentally get any of that garbage in your mouth. Even looking at a pizza gives you terminal cancer.

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Staying healthy on campus It really can be a chore to attend all your classes and deal with the awful stresses of being a student, all while avoiding the greasy burgs and tempting dogs. But you can keep the pounds off. So put down that leaky donair and read on, hungry student. I tells you how to get the best food this semester.

Go off-campus: This should be the most obvious. If you’re a vegan, vegetarian or just have some kind of dietary restriction, it should go without saying that you’ll not find what you’re looking for on campus. Go to the grocery store and eat some real food.Take a bus, take a car, hell walk there on your own two feet. But get far away from this black hole of nutrition in order to eat something that was at any time a vegetable.

Raid the greenhouses on top of the Agricultural/Forestry Centre: They have green plants there, and anything that’s green and a plant has to be healthy for you. Just break into the building late at night after everyone has gone home and harvest whatever you want to eat. Forage, like your ancestors. But remember: leaves of three, let 'em be. Or else you might need to pay a visit to the free clinic in SUB.

Visit the dumpster: Dumpsters have received a bad rap as of late, but they’re a great place to find a variety of foods — and some of that sludge is even healthy. There’s no limit to the discarded fruits and vegetables that are available to you from the average garbage receptacle. Society may look down on you for dumpster diving, but when they see how much weight you’ve lost after eating healthy garbage, they’ll want to know your secret.

Order flowers: Flowers are nature’s aphrodisiac. Or something like that. Either way, you get both a lovely bouquet of colour and all-natural nutrition. And healthy food is important when you are trying to stave off scurvy. Eating out of vending machines will be the death of you.

Beg for food: This is another form of healthy eating that society tends to look down on. But once again, it’s the high-minded, east coast liberals unable to bring themselves to beg who once again come up with the loss. If you see someone eating something that looks healthy, don’t be shy about walking up to them and asking them for a nibble. Just tell them you’re a starving student. In this case, beggars can be choosers.

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Date a vegan: They aren’t all insufferable assholes. Once in a while, you can get yourself a down-to-earth hippie who wears half as much patchouli as the rest of those jokers. Swing by a local protest and nail down someone who is sitting quietly in the back row. They are bound to have something natural on them to eat. If not, steal their stinky hippie van in order to get yourself to a grocery store.

Don't eat at all: What could healthier than not eating anything? If you don’t ingest anything, you won’t have to worry about calorie counting. If you start to feel the agonizing torment of hunger pains just man up and stop being such a baby. After a month of not eating, you won’t even be able to count all the pounds you’ve shed, because you’ll probably be dead.

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Warning: Vagmoistural estrogen deoldifier cream is not a toy.

Please use as directed.

Do not take if: - You have in the past experienced allergic reactions to Vagmoistural estrogen deoldifier cream.

- Your doctor is an elf — elves cannot be trusted.

- Your vagina is located on your face (please instead purchase Vagmoistural estrogen deoldifier cream: Extreme Facial Edition).

- Your vagina is primarily used as a pocket-sized storage container.

- You regularly have sexual intercourse with a penis or penis-like instrument, including but not limited to: penises; dildos; vibrators; phallic vegetables; otherworldy Japanese monstrosities.

- You are currently having or have ever had sexual intercourse with a horse, chicken, ostritch or mongoose. All other species of birds and mammals have been certified compatible with Vagmoistural estrogen deoldifier cream.

- You are currently taking or have ever taken, one, but only one, of eithervitamin supplements, or antibiotics — taking both is acceptable.

- You voted for Nader.

- You thought the Tupac hologram was real.

- Your vagina ever came into contact with Tupac, living or dead.

- Your vagina has been haunted by the spirit of Tupac - Your vagina suffers from depression or chronic tiredness.

- You need your vagina in full operational capacity within the two weeks following treatment.

- You’re asleep.

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Vagmoistural estrogen deoldifier cream may have been shown to be associated with several side effects in limited clincial trials.

Stop using Vagmoisural estrogen deoldifier cream and contact a doctor immediately if you experience one or more of the following: - Death.

- Mysterious fluid discharge in colours ranging from green to yellow. Blue is natural.

- Itching (resist urge to scratch) - Chinese space microbe infestation (two batches of Vagmoistural estrogen deoldifier cream came into contact with the little buggers and have been recalled, but honestly, needle in a haystack here people).

- Strange odours.

- Pleasant odours.

- Sexual arousal in response to, and desire to, coit with unusual stimulants including but not limited to: ex-partners; inanimate objects; snails; literature; Ancient Greek philosophy; the concept of time.

- Persistent over-lubrication, or “leakage.”

- Your vagina starts whining about education being a right.

- Nausea, heartburn, third degree burns, third degree vaginal burns, genital warts, blue waffle, night terrors, day terrors, twilight terrors, urges to watch The Twilight Zone, crabs, lobsters, scorpions or other exoskeletal creatures.

- You grow a second vagina inside your original.

- You grow a third vagina inside that second vagina and a fourth inside the third like a horrific Matryoshka doll.

- Your vagina becomes a penis of greater than five inches in length.

- Your vagina becomes a penis of less than five inches in length.

- You start lactating profusely and ceaselessly.

- You gain the sudden and inexplicable talent for playing piano and/ or ukelele.

- You find yourself craving dill pickle chips so much so that you wander the streets late at night looking for a store that’s still open, but fail to find any. You search far and wide and finally find a single, beautiful blinking open sign, but then holy shit, there’s a robbery in progress. Your instincts kick in, and you pull out your revolver.

You check, and it’s loaded and ready to go. The yelling inside is getting louder, so you take the opportunity to burst in the store and fire a warning shot. But your bullet penetrates a box of Vagmoistural estrogen deoldifier cream, spraying the contents into the face of the robber, melting him.

- Do not apply to face.

If you or a loved one suffers any additional side effects after haviing used Vagmoistural estrogen deoldifier cream, please send a detailed report to Vagmoistural, 44 Clistrones Drive, Austin, TX, United States 88764 for a full refund and our most sincere condolences. This is a team effort, tracking down every last side effect.

We appreciate all of the feedback we receive, negative or positive.

You’ll also be entered into a draw to win one of sought-after five Vagmoistural lubricatory booster supplements, to keep your vagina running smoothly on-the-go.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE It’s not all doom and gloom, so here is a column listing some beneficial side effects that several valued customers self-reported, which is as scientific as it gets: - General, unquantifiable improved outlook on life as you try to outrun your imminent, certain death.

- Boosted immune system.

- Stopped what might have turned out to be a relatively nasty cold.

- Kept dragons at bay for an entire night.

- Cured cancer in pet cat.

- Ensured tenderness of said pet cat once blended.

- Gave one man magnetic powers so strong he’s stuck to his fridge — actually that doesn’t sound useful, count this on the bad side effect list.

- Effective replacement for iron, possibly because it dissolves parts of the factory equipment used to produce it, but that’s just our little secret, okay champ?

- They have me in a little room with no windows writing these side effects. I didn’t see where they brought me because I was blindfolded and shoved into the trunk of a car, but you might be able to track my keyboard taps using GPS. I need someone to send help because the conditions here are totally inhuman. Once a day they throw Subway through a trap door in the roof along with the assignments to write. I really hope that somebody actually reads these pages because I think I’m losing it in here — oh shit what’s that noise?

MORE SHIT THAT WILL KILL YOUR VAGINA Hi, I’m Larry. While we find ourselves a replacement, I’ll be fillin’ in for ol’ numbnuts there. You might say he’s a little indisposed right ‘bout now. So sit down an’ read, ya horny 60-year-olds.

Call yer docter if y’experience any of these side effects: - Decreased sex drive. Well actually don’t, cuz the mental image of the opposite ain’t pretty, toots. It’s like thinkin’ ‘bout my mom doin’ it, and that ain’t never somethin’ I want to imagine happenin’.

- Attraction to yer motha. Yeah, apparently that happened to some poor fucker down in the Mehico last month. Ended up diggin’ up her grave an’ everything.

- Couple a’ studies found it made rats really fuckin’ lazy. Wouldn’t go through the maze for the cheese or nothin’. Now I ain’t no scientist, but a rat that don’t want no cheese ain’t natural.

- Hiccuping. One chick hiccuped for like a whole week or somethin’. You don’t want that. Get yerself checked out if that happens.

- Shit, I’m thinkin’ about my mom fuckin’. I knew this would happen, I knew it. I need a damned raise.

- The urge to blend yer cats. Now I gotta say, I’ve dispatched a lotta trash in my time, but blendin’ cats is just over the line. If ya feel like doin’ it, do me a favour and gimme a call. I’ll find a good home for the little fellas.

Alright, nice talkin’ to ya, but we got ourselves a new chump to enter this crap in.

HOW TO USE YOUR NEW VAGMOISTURAL ESTROGEN DEOLDIFIER CREAM Listen up, because this is a very complicated process, and deviations from the approved directions may result in your tits falling off.

Step One Ensure that the product in your hand is Vagmoistural estrogen deoldifier cream and not the product of a competitor.

Step Two Remove cap from tube.

Step Three Gently squeeze tube to acquire just the right dosage in your hand.

Oh, step zero, find out from your doctor what dosage you need.

Step Four Locate your vagina.

Step Five Lie on your back like you’re about to do it. Spread legs wide and apply vigourously and repeatedly until you’ve got it all rubbed in. It’s the only way it works — trust us.

Step Six Relax. Enjoy soothing sensation of cream. Do not get carried away.

Step Seven Contemplate your life’s regrets. april 2012

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In the I-vory tower

An exclusive peek behind presidential doors “See how the floors are all made out of solid gold?

That’s where the CoSSS fee really went.”

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The presidential palace In 1962, First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy gave a tour of the White House to CBS News, garnering 52 million viewers and an honorary Emmy. For the 40th anniversary of this historic event, I, the Indira Magazine, received a tour of the president’s million-dollar home from Indira Samarasekera herself.

Indira is Jacqueline and John F. Kennedy rolled into one, with a sprinkling of Dwight D. Eisenhower for good measure. So obviously any tour she would gives is going to be six times better than that show-off Jacqueline Kennedy. In order to gain access to the house, our crew was forced into dark cars, blindfolded and made to promise we would never disclose its secret location.

Upon our arrival, the tour began with some history of the house, as Samarasekera described its purchase and its initial purposes.

“Hopefully, future presidents will one day look back and see the importance of history to the office,”she said.“They’ll remember how magnificent the days were when we could afford to buy property.”

History The house was purchased in 2009 by the Board of Governors to act as an official residence for presidents, and for a dumping ground for the asbestos coming out of the Tory Building. In honour of the new disposal area, the south lawn has been renamed the Tory Lawn — nothing will grow there for 100 years.

Future presidents will inhabit a building, a future symbol of the university’s past, wrapped up in its present budgetary problems: one-third remains under repair as construction workers are forced into neverending furlough days.

The front entrance We meet Samarasekera in the grand entryway, a massive hall that’s used to both impress university staff and intimidate the institution’s enemies. Massive pillars dominate the centre of the room, forcing visitors to crane their neck to see the giant painting on the ceiling dedicated to the province’s political masters. Painters were hustling about as they prepared to change the painting to something “a little more flowery.”

Off the entrance is Samarasekera’s private study, a place of quiet contemplation and solitude for the busy president.It’s here that she makes important presidential decisions, such as whether to give money to engineering or engineering. It’s also where she meets with Provost Carl Amrhein for heart-toheart conversations and their weekly boxing match.

“Carl’s good,” she said with a chuckle.“But when I want to win, he makes sure to let me.”

Historical memorabilia Just as important to the president’s house as shock and awe is all the old stuff lying around. This is, as Samarasekera points out, “our link to the past.We also save a few dollars by reusing whatever we can find, and by bringing over some leftovers from the university.”

In her study, the president has a desk once used by the institution’s first president, Henry Marshall Tory, who himself bought the desk off a potato farmer for 20 shillings, the going rate at the time.

“It’s such a marvelous desk,” Samarasekera said. “I love to sit at the desk and think of my connections to past presidents.”

On the corner of the desk is a phone that belonged to Walter H. Johns, the last president who was also a classics instructor at the institution, as well as the last arts professor to have a working phone.

The kitchen An army marches on its stomach, and this presidential army of one has long working hours, so she’s in need of a world-class kitchen to keep her and her staff of underpaid interns well fed.

Beside the 12-burner oven is a walk-in fridge so big it could hold an entire cow, or the dead bodies of three of the university’s enemies. It’s in this massive fridge that the president keeps one of her “dirty little secrets.”

“I love Ben and Jerry’s ice cream,” she confessed.“There’s nothing like a bowl of Chunky Monkey after having to talk to our ridiculous provincial politicians. It’s the perfect antidote for the right-wing assault that continues to pound academia in this province.”

And there are even more secrets to be found as she led us into the presidential bedroom suite.

Continued on page 24

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The inside scoop on Indira’s digs The master bedroom

The bathroom

Of course, when Indira isn’t hard at work running the university, she’s relaxing in style. Her bed is special order — double the size of any regular king-sized bed. Due to its size, it had to be airlifted through a hole in the ceiling, and it’s softened every night with the tears of grad students desperately attempting to finish research.

Before I, the Indira Magazine left, Samarasekera insisted we take a look at her newest addition to the house, the Presidential Bathroom.

With two televisions and a heated toilet seat and foot massager, the president’s pissatorium rivals anything seen on Cribs. Even multi-platinum rapper Snoop Dogg would be jealous of the bling adorning this bathroom.

Of course the piece de resistance is the 12-jet hot tub big enough for a small football team. And because Samarasekera only believes in winners, the Golden Bears football team is not invited.

“This entire house is built from the shattered dreams of students’ hopes for higher education.”

The south lawn

The finale

Looking out the window, the house’s massive south lawn comes into view. Splendid greens and golds, the university’s colours, dot the lawn. In one corner stands the tree of fallen heroes, where underperforming professors and administrators are tied up and flogged.

The lawn was quietly renovated last year to the tune of $50,000.With a tight university budget, they had to resort to stealing pallets of sod intended for Quad in front of the new Centennial Centre for Interdisciplinary Science.

They also skimped on the security fence.

Rather than the 12-foot electrical fence topped with barbed wire requested by the president’s office, they had to settle for an eight-foot fence without barbed wire.

A team of crack security agents was also downgraded to two dogs and an undergrad intern with a whistle.

Leaving Samarasekera’s house, there’s a sense of disappointment. So many nice things dot the landscape of her home, and you never know the next time you will get a chance to visit.

But the president never lets you leave without at least a smile and a small gift bag. Filled with crushed dreams of a proper education and a bottle of Jack Daniels to wash down the disappointment, it’s a fitting parting gift for such an opulent mansion. As our photographer ran from the dogs, we got one final look at the palace — top-notch university talent at its finest.

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Sort Your Shit Out! Dr. Phyllis Clark 2. Don’t eat out. That money goes straight to the communists. So don’t eat at restaurants. Instead, buy groceries from farmers’ markets and keep world communism from spreading. Also, it’s cheaper.

3.Use less.There’s no need to use so much laundry detergent when you wash your clothes. Stop showering too — you might look and smell like you’re homeless, but you’ll know the truth for yourself.

4. Rent movies from the library. Normally a route reserved for misers and old people, the library actually has a decent movie collection. I’m also required to suggest this because my editors wouldn’t condone illegally downloading movies from the internet.

5.Take the bus. Parking is expensive, gas is expensive, insurance is expensive and Ford was founded by an avowed anti-Semite. Make the smart decision and take public transit.

6. Use discount brands. While they may garner you stares in the checkout aisle, there’s no harm in shopping on the cheap.You can get an entire case of pork and beans for less than the cost of an organic apple.

Just make sure to purchase plenty of canned oranges in order to stave off scurvy.

How not to be a starving student

7.Eat rabbit. I’m not talking about the expensive frozen rabbit flown in from New Zealand for your dining pleasure. I’m talking about those white vermin running rampant all over our campus. Do us all a favour and take down the expanding population. Garnish with whatever you can find growing in Quad.

8. Buy second hand clothing. Or better yet, just sell your excess clothes for money. You’re in university now; no one will say anything if you show up to class every day for three weeks wearing the same pants.

9.Vacation on the cheap. Everyone needs a break.After a long semester slogging through Latin classes and the philosophy of engineering, it’s time for some well-deserved rest. But a costly vacation is out of the question with your high student loans, so spend a night in a ditch. Hey, it’s a change of scenery. What 1. Get rid of your credit cards. Those high-interest rate loan more do you want? sharks are out to get you and your loved ones. Interest rates of 19 or 20 per cent will be the death of you, and so 10.Launder money.It’s free, easy money.* will Bolivian death squads. Did you know the government can track your every move when you use credit cards? It’s *Disclaimer: I, the Indira Magazine does not conthe next logical step to send assassins after you. done money laundering.

Looking to cut two per cent out of your budget? Concerned a new right-wing government is going to bogart the other 98 per cent?

With everyone tightening their belts these days, we thought it would be prudent to consult Dr. Phyllis Clark to see what tips and tricks she might have to help when times get difficult.

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Phil Quaker

Sort Your Shit Out!

for what each instrumentalist can do best.” Take that sentiment and apply it to your studies. Don’t ask me how, because I don’t know how it works in context, but it sure is a good way of putting it, huh?

And then there are speeches. The spoken word. I came under a fair amount of fire for borrowing a few quotes in a speech a while back.Well, you know what Nietzsche said: “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” I didn’t see anyone mad when Kanye West threw that into a Daft Punk song and made more money than God. All I made were a couple of references to a velluvial whatever — not like anyone understood it. Remember, above all,“It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved.”

Machiavelli, bitches. Let’s be honest, he was smarter than I am, so by repeating his words, I appear smarter still.

Oh,and make sure you maintain at least a three per page density of Oscar Wilde quotes, because he was one funny guy. Here are a few to get you started.

“The only way a woman can ever reform her husband is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.”

“Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion.”

Oh, and,“Murder is always a mistake — one should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner.”

Do you see what I mean? I got a whole paragraph on the page there, and less than a third of it consisted of my own words.You can’t beat spicing up your writing with quotes. Alright, check out this one from Orwell: “To write or even speak English is not a science but an art. There are no reliable words. Whoever writes English is involved in a struggle that never lets up even for a sentence. He is struggling against I’m new to the academic scene and I’m worried vagueness, against obscurity, against the lure of the about doing well on my assignments this year. decorative adjective, against the encroachment of Latin and Greek, and, above all, against the wornHow can I guarantee myself good grades?

Dr.Quaker: A lot of people are going to tell you to write out phrases and dead metaphors with which the what you know. I’m here to tell you: fuck that — write language is cluttered up.”

Damn, that took up a ton of space and was enwhat other people know. That’s what I’ve always done.

In the words of Bubba Sparxxx, “I started writing tirely relevant, freeing up my own time for stealwhen I was about 14, but when I was about 16 you ing sandwiches instead, which is much more useful. know, I heard Outkast, that was pretty much when I You can’t eat words. So if you ever find yourself in was sold on it.”Couldn’t say it better myself if I tried — need of writing improvements, don’t bother trying it yourself. Just pick up a book, open it up to and that’s the point, I ain’t gonna try.

Let’s deal with essays, because that’s what you’re going a random page, and remember what Gandhi said: to have to write the most. Chuck Mangione once said, “Nearly everything you do is of no importance, but “Whether it’s string writing or whatever, I try to write it is important that you do it.”

Writing for winners Q

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Sort Your Shit Out!

Dr. Frank

Q

I read Three Lines Free in The Gateway every week, and I noticed one in there that I think is about me. It said “Math 113 girl with arms and legs, wanna hook up on the fourth floor of Rutherford?” I’m really intrigued. I’ve never been with a man before, but I’m nervous because I don’t know how to respond to show that I’m interested. How do I let him know I want him to integrate my curves?

Dr. Frank: It sounds like there is definitely some chemistry between you two, but you want to get a look at his natural logarithm before you commit to anything. Try sending a Three Lines Free back saying “Hey, you wanna ∫ 2*x dx from 10-13?”If he gets it right,his exponential function will be go to infinity and you guys will know each other’s eigenvalues in no time!

However, there is always the possibility the two of you might not hit it off. The tricky thing about a blind date is that you’ve never seen the other person. To put it “Frankly” he might be ugly as sin, or the pheromones could be off. And if he asks you to act out Pythagorean Theorem with him on the first date, and you’re not into that, turn and run. That’s a deal breaker and in that case it’s best to cut your loses and continue on your path of being a math-loving, cat-adopting spinster.

Q

My brother recently moved to Edmonton to go to the U of A and he’s having a really tough time adjusting to life. He doesn’t know where to get farmfresh eggs and everybody hates country music. To make matters worse, he’s not having the same luck with the “chicks” as he did with the chickens back on the farm.

What should he do?

“We don’t know how long there will be universities.”

Getting the algebra right

Expanding your horizons

Sharing your true feelings

Dr. Frank: It sounds like your brother may be experiencing culture shock.The most important thing he can do is to find a group he fits in with — he could try the Dekes. About luck with the chicks: now that he’s in the big city, there are a lot more options on the table. If the chicks are giving him trouble, maybe he should take a visit to Tory Basement and see if he can’t find a couple of mousy candidates.

Leaving the farm for the big city has been a turning point in many a young life.He shouldn’t be afraid to trade in the country music for a bit of dub and ditch the shiny belt buckle for a less in-your-face attempt to bring attention to his man parts — skinny jeans. He just might attract the girl of his dreams and learn to love things like buying“farm fresh eggs” from ridiculously overpriced organic grocery stores. april 2012

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Sort Your Shit Out!

Q

I’ve been attending this school for three years now, but it was only this year that I rode the elevator in SUB up to the Dean of Students office. I saw somebody there who represents my perfect match. His cul-desac took my breath away and his moustache is so refined. He’s sharply dressed, but I’ve heard he’s a bit of a bad boy. He’s like a younger Bruce Willis. He doesn’t know about my feelings. Should I tell him how I feel?

Dr. Frank: You obviously have very strong feelings for this man.How long have you felt this way? If it’s something that’s been going on for a while, it’s likely more than a crush and isn’t going to pass. Could be limerence.

Do you fantasize about saving this man from life-threatening ailments or helping him carry his groceries to his car? If that’s the case, you can’t bottle this up inside.You need to tell him how you feel and hope he reciprocates. He may be a bit concerned because of your age difference, but just reassure him that love knows no age. I hope everything works out — you’ll be the Ally McBeal to his Indiana Jones.

day and appreciating every opportunity you have. We don’t know how long we’re going to be alive.We don’t know how long those we care about are going to be alive. We don’t know how long we have until the

provincial government decides to pull the plug on this entire institution.

We don’t know how long there will be universities.We don’t know how long humans will have the ability to learn. We don’t know how long until aliens invade our planet and make us their slaves. We don’t know how long... well, you get my point.

My point is that you need to be carpe dieming it up out there.

Seize the day and let loose. Embrace the mice in Tory and the uncomfortable chairs. Embrace the cold of this god-forsaken city. Embrace the 400-person classes where nobody talks to you. You need to make every moment count, even if that moment is waiting in -40C for hours for a bus to show up. If you embrace everything, you will live your best life.

Q

I haven’t enjoyed university at all.

The buildings are falling apart, it’s impossible to make friends, tuition is astronomically high, I’m living off Ho Ho’s and Taco Time, and Edmonton is covered in snow for eight months of the year. I just finished my first year of school and I’m thinking of just giving up and getting a job at McDonald’s, preferably a branch in Florida. But my mom says I should give school one more chance. So I’m wondering, how do I live my best life this year?

Dr. Frank: The first step to living your best life is asking this question, and you should be proud of your bravery for doing so.We all experience times in our lives where things are not what we expected, and it sounds like that’s what happened to you.You expected university to be a place of community and a place of higher learning.You expected to meet interesting people and to interact with intelligent professors. You expected to thoroughly enjoy the new experience.

So the next step for you is to let go of these expectations. Things don’t always turn out the way you think they will, but if you hold onto those expectations it will only make you miserable.

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A Matter of Love If things have been generally blah with your significant other lately, here are three steps from Dr. Frank to reinvigorate your relationship.

O Identify the issue

O face the problem

O Have lots of sex

Find out what the problem is. If he’s coming home late at night, he might be seeing someone else. But if he’s just playing too many video games or generally ignoring you, he might just need a little more excitement. Men, by nature, are lazy, so you need to fight against that to get them to do anything.

The only reason I’m writing this advice is because my wife won’t give me my Xbox back until I finish.

Once you’ve found the problem, the next step is to confront it. So if he is seeing another woman, you have to go over there and tell her what you think of her.

And remember, violence is always an option. Don’t be afraid to bitch-slap that slut.

If he’s just bored, you need to do all the work in igniting some excitement in his life.

Maybe show a little ankle when you arrive home from work. I’m just saying, it’s give and take.

I’ll be honest, I don’t really know much about relationship advice. All I can really say is that lots of sex generally solves any problem, so you might just want to skip to this step and get it over with. Try it in different positions and places. And if that fails, you can always fall back on being a total badass like me. Screw the relationship, and go fight fraternities.

You lose a job!

You lose a job!

You lose a job!

The 2011/12 season provided some of the greatest takeaways in history, reaching more students and professors than ever before! Here is our list of the top five U of A takeaways to date!

1) Jobs for support staff: This year saw one of the U of A's most welcomed takeaways — support staff from various faculties were allowed to leave their jobs! Many people had always wished they didn't have to go to work every Monday, and the U of A made that wish come true for countless support staff and even a few faculty members with the generosity of their cuts!

2) Two per cent budget cuts for faculties: At the General Faculties Council meeting in March, every faculty dean was given a box. They were told that in one box was the a cheque that they would have to sign over to the university. Anticipation was in the air as the deans excitedly prepared to open their boxes.When the reveal finally occurred, the deans discovered that every box had a cheque. Every faculty was taking a two per cent budget cut! april 2012

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3) Early retirement for staff: The U of A revealed great news for staff this season — anyone who was worried they would be forced into early retirement with a full pension was given a great surprise when told their pension would be instead reduced proportional to when they retire. Less money for everybody!

4) Clean residences: Students from other universities may dismay at the fact that they live in residences that are akin to the Four Seasons — not so at U of A! The university has generously taken away all clean and properly maintained residences, leaving the student experience full of ants and mould instead of fun and learning.

5) Student consultation: Students at the U of A no longer need to worry about having to stay informed on mandatory non-instructional fees, as the Board of Governors has taken away all student consultations on new or increasing fees! Now students can attend the U of A without having to worry about what they might do to fight spending more money, and have a truly care-free student experience.

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COMMUNITY

WELLNESS

offers students the opportunity to meet with a Social Worker here on campus to discuss issues and concerns they may be facing. This service is confidential and free to students and staff at the University of Alberta!

the community wellness program

We offer: Flexible meeting times Short-term one:one meetings with students who need support A supportive environment Resources and referrals for students and staff If you would like more information about the Community Wellness Program please contact Natassha Wilson – natassha@ualberta.ca

COMMUNITY WELLNESS

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Live

S

Live your best Arts degree

o you decided to become a history major?You may never find a six figure job after learning about the intricacies of postmodern gender inversions in the pre-industrial era, but there is a spectacular sight you’ll find once you get to this prestigious institution — the Engineering Teaching and Learning Complex. Unfortunately, you’ll never be allowed inside with your lower status as part of the unwashed heathen masses otherwise known as “arts students.”

It’ll often seem like only science matters at this school. But don’t fret — you can still make the best of your soul-crushingly depressing situation to at least enjoy these last four years before your wonderful future in the Pizza Hut family.

All the furniture in Humanities looks salvaged from the dumpster outside HUB on the move-out day. Meanwhile, engineering students are stuck with modern looking pieces from Crate and Barrel.Lucky for arts students, you won’t have to worry about making a mess on your pre-stained furniture. Those stains are only a sort of modern artwork. Just make sure you get your hepatitis shot, don’t think too long about it and everything will be okay.

Sometimes you’ll get an arts party thrown for your faculty that dines on the fine

delicacy of Pizza 73. It may taste an awful lot like a strange blend of Styrofoam and cardboard, but while engineering parties feast on steaks from Ruth’s Chris, you can rest assured that you won’t be packing on the freshman 15 when you decide starvation would be a more enjoyable fate than continuing to force down another slice of vegetarian pizza. Who's even ordering that crap?

Classroom technology will consist of overhead projectors circa 1982 and films produced by the National Film Board of Canada, while the Faculty of Engineering

like a rich

Person

works in collaboration with Lucas Films.

But hey, at least you get hipster cred for using machinery that existed before technology was cool. Besides, you don’t even care about those movies. Or school. It’s all cool.

Whatever.

You won’t find better coffee than last night’s stale swill from the lecture “Civil Disobedience and You” held in the broom closet in Tory basement. But this way you’ll never have to deal with ETLC Tim Hortons serving you the wrong order every time.

The worst hardship you’ll have to face as a University of Alberta arts student is the rodent-infested crack den known as “Tory Basement” while engineering students kick back and relax while studying in their flourishing paradise of heated doorknobs and solariums. But you’ll be less distracted doing your schoolwork in a building with the rustic, retro “charm” that Arts students find buried in Tory Basement, somewhere in the mice holes.

Some students worry about having high enrollment in small classes.Too many desks get crammed into these already overflowing classrooms while engineering experiences that sweet, wonderful student space. Then again, think of how close you’ll become with all of your classmate. Especially when arts buildings can’t afford heating anymore.

You’ll cherish your close contact then.

Best of all, at least you know arts enrollment isn't getting any higher with the $1.5 million in budget cuts, decreased faculty and decreased course sections. Meanwhile, Engineering gets stuck with an extra $3 million from the provincial government to deal with program demand. Suckers.

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Indira’s Favourite Things What’s getting me all excited this month...

1) China

With the communist haven kicking butts, Indira’s going to tell you how it’s better than our southern friends Everyone is in love with Asia’s first communist nation, but none more so than me — I’ve seen it. Communism or capitalism, whatever they’re doing over there is obviously working.

The rest of the world better smarten up, because China’s ready to shine — and I’ve been astutely sucking up to the state for years now, leaving us in a very powerful begging position. I mean, they just landed a team on

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Mars, while the U.S. is still struggling to get humans into orbit. So what if they brought back extraterrestrial microbes that resulted in one little pandemic? They also handled that shit like it was no big deal, while the rest of the world was too busy complaining about running out of money and any desire to pretend like they know what they’re doing anymore.

Indira’s not done liking things yet 2) Water Turns out those Chinese space microbes were allergic to water. Point is, I've also been talking up this mystery substance lately because it's delicious.

I did some research, and it turns out water's actually vital for humans in order to live.This is according to that surgeon onTV. But where do you buy water? It’s not like it just grows on trees,. Well don’t worry, because Nestlé has found a revolutionary way to bottle and transport this wonder-fluid so that all you have to do is walk into any store on campus and buy some. Is every cent of your money instantly sucked into my cavernous pockets? Sure. But you want to live, so hand it over.

3) Money There’s something about the colour green. But with a salary somewhere up there in the schmillions, I’ve often come under fire.

Some say it’s not right for me to make more than every world leader on the planet combined, but these people callously disregard one very important point: everyone needs money to live. Do you want my blood on your hands? No? Then when tuition increases go towards buying imported bath salts, you grin and bear it, soldier.

4) Puppies

They’re small, cute and playful. Puppies are fantastic all around. Scientists just found out that they cure cancer — all you have to do is lick their fur for an hour every day for two months straight. Then as soon as it appeared, like magic, that deathly tumor just bursts out of your chest and scuttles on home to its parents bawling like a preteen in a death metal mosh pit.If it doesn’t work the first time, consider adding cats to the mix.

But be careful, because they’ll scratch your face off if you lick the wrong spot.Also both animals make great handbags.

5) Rainbows Who doesn’t like rainbows, really?

They have like every colour in there.

Red, green, yellow: they just keep coming.When I'm feeling down, I just pay the government to get the weathermatron to make some rainbows. So next time you see your illustrious president chilling out in Quad looking up at a rainbow so bright it melts your troubles away, you know what’s up. Come over, smile, and enjoy it with me.

I really enjoy spending time with all of my lovely students.

6) You My mostest bestest favourite thing ever is definitely you, my beautiful students. Especially the young, cash-filled first years among you, oh mercy. But without all of your consistent admiration and love, I would have nothing. I would most likely be working the streets, selling my skills as an engineering tutor. Don't make me go back to engineering — it's much more fun running this spectacular establishment. So love me, my pretties, love me!

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