POOR DOUBLE ENTENDRE!
ASM to be replaced with man who eats money, shits on floor NEWS
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(Editor’s note: Banana = dick, burrito = cooter) FEATURES
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University of Wisconsin-Madison
Having some semblance of human decency since 1892
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A8 China to be taken over by eminent lo mein
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dailycardinal.com
NEWS
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April Fools’ Issue 2010
Student boycott of Regent Street Retreat incredibly successful A joint effort between The Daily Cardinal, The Badger Herald, the Associated Students of Madison, Sex Out Loud, College Democrats, College Republicans and 97 other student organizations to boycott the Regent Street Retreat for “just plain sucking” has been incredibly successful. The boycott, which has been running for 89 days, has kept the RSR’s attendance near zero on an almost daily basis. An RSR bartender known as
“Brota” said the lack of customers has been a serious problem lately. “I worked for 16 hours this weekend and only made 63 cents in tips,” Brota said. “And that was from a drunk guy who I let use the bathroom after he stumbled out of The Annex after closing time.” UW-Madison senior Jared Hammer said he and his roommate stumbled in there once after getting kicked out of Jordan’s Big Ten Pub and were so appalled by the general malaise surrounding the place that they vowed to never return again.
“The bouncer asked all of us what our astrological signs were and kicked one kid out who couldn’t remember,” Hammer said. “Then he charged us four bucks for a bottle Bud Light.” As of press time, the Law Club was considering filing a lawsuit against the RSR, asserting that their slogan “You can’t beat the ’Treat!” was patently false and represented a clear and present danger to the previously fun evenings of UW students campuswide.
photo Courtesy OF THE NICK PENZENSTADLER INSTITUTE FOR TALMUDIC STUDIES
Badger Herald Editor-in-Chief Jason Smathers studies the Torah before schlepping a few newspapers to various campus locations.
Herald editor-in-chief converts to Judaism
Danny Marchewka/the daily cardinal
Though it is deserted on an almost constant basis, the Regent Street Retreat is designed to serve patrons a variety of alcoholic beverages and provide them with a warm, welcome atmosphere.
Edgewater edges toward watery grave after edgy Edgewater meeting. Edgewater. The Edgewater Hotel redevelopment was sent back to the Edgewater Committee Wednesday, again not clearing the 17 out of 20 votes necessary to pass the Edgewater Neighborhood Commission Focus Group. “This is unbelievable,” said an unshaven and disheveled Mayor Dave Cieslewicz on his Edgewater specific blog. “We created these committees just to pass the thing and now this? I’ve been awake for three days, and this not passing is just adding to my hallucinations right now.” “We’ve been at this for six years, we can do it,” he added. Edgewater opponent and snappy dresser Fred Mohs applauded the decision of the commission. Mohs lives in the historic Edgewater Hill district that would be leveled with
strategic dynamite blasts should the project be approved and then the land salted so nothing could grow on it for a hundred years. “The commission accurately ruled that this new proposal has the lacking edginess and waterview necessary. The parking lot? I wouldn’t bury a dead, leprosy-ridden dog in that lot,” Mohs said. “This shows the Madison system works: A few cranks, shut-ins and amateur model-builders like me can block a $93 million project,” Mohs said. “The nightmare is over… until the proposal gets brought before the Manure, Real Estate and Edgewater Subcommittee in July,” he said. Ald. Bridget Maniaci, District 2, said she was disappointed with the ruling and that she will attempt to bring it up before the full Common Council in early October.
Maniaci said the Edgewater, which lies in her district and where most of the district’s residents would be housed, would bring valuable amenities to the neighborhood. “The public terrace makes Memorial Union’s terrace look like a landfill covered in cement: smelling like old garbage and excruciatingly boring, similar to so many of the people who oppose this project,” she said. Mayor Dave Edgewater said he was confident Edgewater residents and alders would support the project in the end. However the Urban Development and Edgewater Advisory Study Group was unable to act late last night as they failed to reach a quorum, prompting the mayor to request an emergency videoconference. “Fuck it, we’ll do it live,” he said.
Following controversy over antiSemitic comments on The Badger Herald’s website and an online ad linking to a Holocaust denial website, Herald Editor-in-Chief Jason Smathers decided Wednesday to make amends with UW-Madison’s Jewish community by converting to Judaism. “Oy, I was a real schmuck before, but hopefully joining the tribe will get them off my tuches,” Smathers said while preparing a noodle kugel recipe given to him by his bubbe. Smathers said he would go the
extra mile by undergoing a circumcision this Saturday, but he said the decision had troubled his girlfriend, Herald News Editor Alex Brousseau. “Alex looked like she was about to plotz when I told her, and she kept kvetching about me not being able to schtup her for a few days,” he said. “Typical shikse.” Smathers said the circumcision would be performed by a member of the Herald staff, since he wanted someone who was used to working with dicks.
New Herald ad manager doing great job
The new Badger Herald advertising manager has been pleasant and polite and hasn’t accepted a single Holocaust denial ad so far this semester.
Danny Marchewka the daily cardinal
“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”