Inert Pebble - The Carillon's Annual Spoof

IP0001 FEATURES

“All the NEWS WE FELT LIKE REPORTING.” EDITOR AND PUBLISHER: Mike S. Weiner

3 Battle of Regina

There is treachery at the University of Regina. The Freak Power movement grows. By DR. HUNTER O. LEECHES

MANAGING EDITOR: Gulliver Underscore DEPUTY MANAGING EDITOR: Gus Thunderchuk ASSISTANT MANAGING EDITORS: Ralph Badchip, Lyle Keitch HEAD OF THE NATIONAL AFFAIRS DESK: Dr. Hunter O. Leeches SENIOR WRITERS: Nathan Scarwhateverthefuck, Peter Travesty, Patty O’Furniture SENIOR EDITORS: Del MacApple, Demitrius Levenworth, Silk Teddy, Guiseppe Everglades ASSOCIATE EDITORS: Alexandra Fuckhammer, Ace Manfist, Stockholm Syndrome, Baader Meinhoff, Ludwig von Instagram, Bjorn Bjornson, Yolo McSwaggerton, Mr. Krinkle EDITORIAL MANAGER: Michael Chxzmejghtyuilreabloo ASSISTANT EDITORS: Oliver Revilo, Ferrari Montenegro, Lucien Mazerati ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR AND PUBLISHER: Steve CARILLONREGINA.COM: Arthur Ward (design dir.), Batt Mlackwell (snark), The Little Hamm (not killing us all) EDITOR AT LARGE: Andre the Average-Sized CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: Michael Chmfresdty-(fuck it, Smith), Malik Shalom, Jorge Bergoglio, Dan Toasty, Asscrack Troll, Sherlock Moriarty, Mjolnir Vanderstelt, Ralph Steadman (I wish), Hugh G. Rection MARKETING: Baader Meinhoff, Shaadwick LeStrade, Neil Beaverbone INTELLIGENT FRIEND FOREVER: The Iron Sheik

9 The Thick of It

You’re so backbench, you’ve fallen the fuck off.

Political analysis By MALCOLM TUCKER

ROCK & ROLL

3 Admetalstration

Rotting Admin is back with a decent new tour. By HITCH CHRISTENS

9 Margarita-spill

We interview Jimmy Buffet’s rehab conselor. Turns out, rosé gets you pretty fucked up. By BOB THE CLEANING GUY

DEPARTMENTS

4 Liam I Am

MAIN OFFICES: 227 Riddell Center, University of Regina, 3737 Wascana Parkway, Regina, Sk, Canada, North America, North-Western Hemisphere, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, Crab Nebula

Reviews.

ALL PHOTOS GEDDY LEE IMAGES

4 Library Cards

New boxset collects all 281 albums from Regina-area band Library Joseph.

DISCLAIMER: If for whatever reason things aren’t painfully apparent, Inert Pebble is a work of parody. Any complaints can be directed to our attorney, Dr. Gonzo.

Copyright 2014 by the Carillon. Reproduction in whole or in part is strongly discouraged. Ego fum Papa.

8 Advertisements

You know, for selling you shit.

INERT PEBBLE is printed on 100 percent whale-skin parchment.

ON THE COVER Liam Fitz-Gerald photographed in Regina on March 27th, 2014, by Arthur Ward.

Styling by Adobe Photoshop CS6 at the Carillon. Grooming non-existent.

CORRESPONDENCE Non-Commital

TARDIS I HAVE TRAVELLED countless universes in search of one that shares the Inert Pebble as a common link and now that I have found it, I must say that I’m not nearly as impressed with it here. Yeah, this variation is quite sub-par to my home universe’s far superior edition. For shame, Inert Pebble. Maybe I should take your editor back with me to my home universe and show him what a real magazine is like.

Logan Swanson, Dimensional Traveller at Large

MARCH 27, 2014

AFTER READING THE latest edition of Inert Pebble, all I have to really say is ‘meh.’

I really wish I could express any sort of other emotional reaction to your magazine, but that’s all I’ve got. Sorry.

I guess it’s better than getting hate mail, which I’m sure you get a fair bit. But you’re probably not getting love mail either.

The more I think about it, maybe there were parts in it that were funny and maybe there were parts in it that weren’t, but to sum it all up, it balanced out quite equally and under no way, shape, or form, can I either praise or criticize the efforts of this publication.

John Smith, Perfectly normal person

Veteran’s Affairs I WAS QUITE DISAPPOINT with your latest edition of your publication. There was a complete and utter lack of the magazine’s staple resource: cats.

TICKING PACKAGES & THE LIKE I spend a lot of time on the Internet and you could say I’m a veteran when it comes to web-surfing and you sir or ma’am are sorely lacking in one of the funniest bits of life as we know it. To not have cats in funny situations has robbed this magazine of all sense of credibility with me and my friends online. Don’t you worry, the Internet will hear about this!

Eugene Noobcraft, Internet Veteran

Nepotism

I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW funny your last issue was! I mean, I thought I set the bar pretty high a few years ago when I worked on this magazine. It’s good to see quality entertainment is still coming from reputable journalists into perpetuity. Truly you folks are gods among humans.

Former Inert Pebble staff member

Contact Us

Or don’t. That would be better.

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Rock

&

Roll Track Listing ONE VOTE 04/31 One Vote I’ll Cut You (and your department) The Number of the Budget Department Wars…The Firing Due

Master of Tuition Run to Hill Holy Professor The Rotting Admin Laying Siege to the Ivory Tower Vivisepulture Tears in Heaven (Eric Clapton cover)

PROFILE

Not Really Rotting, But Making Music Administrators make music, while not actually rotting

By Hitch Christens

S

ASKATCHEWAN’S BEST NEW metal band comes from an unexpected place.

The administration from the University of Regina has formed Rotting Admin.

The band’s sounds can be described as a mix between power and black metal, which is groundbreaking for the metal scene.

Vianne Timmons, the President of the U of R, fronts the band with her bass playing and low guttural black metal growls. “I’m like Lemmy,” Timmons told Inert Pebble, “just way fucking better.”

The lead guitar playing and clean power metal vocals are handled by Thomas Chase, Provost and VP Academic at the U of R. Critics of the new album say he has the voice of Timo Kotipelto of Stratovarius, and the guitar skills of Timo Tolkki. The VP Research, David Malloy, is the rhythm guitar player, and finally Dave Button, the VP Administration, backs up the group on drums.

Rotting Admin’s new album, One Vote, will be coming out in April 2014, with a corresponding tour of Canada and the States.

“We’re tired of the University setting,” said Chase “it’s been a really tough year.”

“We’ve decided to just form a metal band, like we always wanted, and hit the road,” Tim-

F REAK P 0W E R IN THE QUEEN CITY

A memoir and rambling discussion (with rude slogans) of Freak Power in Regina

By Dr. Hunter O. Leeches

T

The same kind of tension began popping up on other fronts: the local university president tried to defund a young faculty for voicing a left-wing political bias, but the students went on strike and not only forced the funding’s reinstatement, but very nearly got the president fired.

The University of Regina was filled with cries of rage and anguish. The twisted provost rushed out of his office and punched a young student off his bicy“FOR YEARS, THESE TWO HAD CON- cle, screeching: “You dirty little motherTROLLED REGINA’S AFFAIRS WITH A fucker we’re going SWAGGER THAT MIXED BUDGET CUTS to run you all out of AND BENGAY WITH TENURE AND TEE- town!” Then he fled back inside, to his NY-BOPPERS AND A CAVALIER DISDAIN office across the hall FOR THE EDUCATION PROFESSION.” from the office of his like-minded cohort,

HE REALITIES OF small-town politics are so close to the bone, that there is no way to avoid getting cursed in the streets, by somebody, for any vote you cast. An alderman in Saskatoon can insulate himself from the people he voted against, but there is no escape in a place the size of Regina.

MARCH 27, 2014

mons added. When either of the two Daves requested a chance to speak, they were told to, “shut their dirty whore mouths, or we’ll kick you out of the fucking band. [sic]” The tour will start out in Winnipeg on May 1, after finals are done of course, and will go on for the rest of the summer, until school resumes.

Although there still are classes during the summer, and presumably administrative work to do, the four don’t give a “fuck,” with the true metal attitude.

When it comes to running the university during the summer, Rotting Admin didn’t seem worried, and the band agreed sarcastically that maybe those “non-confidence motion leaders can run a university. They obviously plan things

out so well, and think things out so thoroughly.”

The whole debacle from this September, when Timmons was nearly subjected to a non-confidence vote from an irate council, but was saved by one vote, has inspired the album in more than just its title. The album’s lyrical content largely revolves around the administration’s experience at the U of R, but through a metal filter.

The album’s Japanese bonus edition includes a metal rendition of Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven.”

The tour, which ends in Regina, will have stops in Toronto, Montreal, and a special twonight show at the MacKay, which is the event centre at St. Francis Xavier University.

the president.

For years, these two had controlled Regina’s affairs with a swagger that mixed budget cuts and Bengay with tenure and teeny-boppers and a cavalier disdain for the education profession. So much for what might have been a very sad story…except that the President went home, and began laying feverish plans to remain President for Life. Her new power base is a thing called the “Tuition-Payer’s League,” a sort of reverse-elite corps of students whose only real point of agreement is that every animal in this world that has walked on two legs for less than 50 years is evil, queer, and dangerous. In the past six months, this group has emerged as the most consistently effective voting bloc in the university. They have beaten the leftists handily in every recent encounter that came down, in the end, to a matter of who had the muscle.

The Democrats, with an eye on the probability of another Johnston-style uprising on the left, will try to promote as a “sensible alternative” to the menacing “extremes” posed by the left. For the President’s campaign, my symbol will be either horribly-deformed Cyclops clown, or a double-thumbed fist, clutching a film reel. At the moment I am registered as an Independent, but there is still the possibility that I may file for office as a Communist. It makes no difference which label I adopt; the die is already cast in my race—and the only remaining question is how many Freaks, heads, criminals, anarchists, beatniks, poachers, Dysartians, bikers, and Persons of the Weird Persuasion will come out of their holes and vote for me. The ramifications of this election go far beyond any local issues or candidates. It is an experiment with a totally new kind of political muscle… and the results, either way, will definitely be worth pondering.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS?

Pg. 4

THIS IS THE LAST PAGE

Pg. 4

YOU SILLY BITCH

Pg. 4

NO OFFENSE

Pg. 4

Overdue, like my actual library books From their self-titled debut to the Almost, But Not Quite White Album pictured, Library Joseph boxset has something for everyone.

Library Joseph

Library Joseph

Library Cards: A Library of Library Joseph Stimulant Records

BY DAVEED FUCKE

Every once in a great while, there is an album release so momentous, it literally shakes the music industry to its very core. The last time I remember that happening, Reagan was taking names and kicking ass in Germany.

The release of Library Cards: A Library of Library Joseph takes all other music by the hair, and shoves its nose in shit.

Despite the vintage of some of the band’s work, especially from their self-titled debut album from 2012, every song of the 281-disc discography are immediate and invigorating.

This is, without a doubt, the last boxset you will ever need to buy. Ever.

“Who are you?” band member Keats Coleridge said in interview. “What the hell is Inert Pebble?”

To celebrate the two-year anniversary of the release of Library Joseph, the boxset will be released on April 31st for the stunningly low cost of $2,499.00 (MSRP). If you find a better deal for anything, you’re a fucking liar.

Album cover courtesy LIBRARY JOSEPH

Liam Fitz-Gerald Liam Mail

Stimulant Records

Juice

Hit the Ground Running Stimulant Records

Memorex

Liam Fitz-Gerald

Untitled

Liam Mail

Stimulant Records

Stimulant Records

BY SLOWMAN RUSHDEE

BY “FAT” JULIO STEVENSON

BY PATTY O’FURNITURE

BY SLOWMAN RUSHDEE

Hack makes music

Thoughtful review

Band wastes time

Genius makes masterpiece

I’m going to open this review with three words: what the fuck? I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that people buy this shit or some dumb-fuck ever allowed this guy anywhere near a recording studio. Possesses a sound reminiscent of Men Without Hats and drunks puking in your sink.

Though the stylistic mishmash allows for the incorporation of a broad range of instruments, this Toronto band leaves the album with repeated rhythms. While some songs are slower in pace, they still resemble each other, leaving the album straining with unoriginality. The vocals are overshadowed and lost by incessant blares of brass or unimpressive guitar riffs. Although this album has slight vocal potential, it corresponds with the feeling of an inexperienced high school band and an amateur high school choir: disappointment.

You’ve got to be kidding me! This is just a CD of white noise for, like, fourteen hours. I wonder how some of these people get recording contracts. It’s like they didn’t even put anything on their album.

I’ll publish a new review when this fucking band gives me something to review.

It might be safe to say that Liam Mail was misunderstood and ahead of his time. With songs like “Million Dolla Sign” and “Motherfucking Parking” and dance moves conjuring memories of Michael Jackson and Miley Cyrus, this album ranks up there with Nevermind, Fade to Black and California Gurls.

MARCH 27, 2014

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