Hoboscopes

HOBOSCOPES

CAPRICORN

You can go back if you want to, Capricorn. I asked The Stars and they said it’s OK. You can go back and do the last year over again. I mean, the rest of us are going to have to go on and do the next year, so if you take the repeat, you’ll notice everybody else is writing a different year on their checks. But you can go back. Take on the same tasks you took on last year. Try to solve the same problems. I’d recommend going forward, though. You’ll have more options if you come with the rest of us. The past is the same every time, but the future might be different.

AQUARIUS

The blue jay in my yard looks just like every other blue jay I’ve ever seen in my whole life. And I’ll bet he’s looking at me thinking, “There’s another one of those giant two-legged no-feathers. Just the same as the rest of them.” And I’m probably not a very good judge of blue jays. And he’s probably not a very good judge of people. And you have to wonder, Aquarius, before you make a judgment on whomever you’re sitting across from, if there’s just something there you aren’t used to looking at. And if there may be more to notice than you even know how.

PISCES

I love it when my dog has a new itch, and I get to watch her work it out in real-time. The head goes back toward the tail and the back leg starts to come up. But when the other back leg can’t support this posture alone, it starts to slip and the front feet step to compensate and then she’s just slowly rotating in place on three legs while she lightly scratches a spot on her cheek with the other. You’ve been contorting yourself into some odd shapes lately too, Pisces, and I think there might be an easier way to scratch that itch. See if you can find a helping hand.

ARIES

I don’t usually do this, Aries, and maybe it’s just this season of new beginnings, but I’ve decided I will name your band for you. I’m gonna go ahead and name your band…”Saddlefoot.” No, wait, that sounds too country. I’ve got a better one…”Walter Mondale’s Last Dance” hmmm, but you aren’t that political. I’ve got it! “STIGM@TA” nah, it’s too much of an underwater-religious-tech thing. I know, it’s “Tunch.” Your band is now called “Tunch.” As for the rest of the decisions you have to make this week, Aries, they’re really up to you.

TAURUS

Which of us is the clone, Taurus? I’m pretty sure it’s me, because I look just like you but you look more like my grandfather than either of us. It’s hard to tell these days if you’re acting as the real thing or just a copy. It can be overwhelming always fighting against comparison. You want your originality to shine-through and it does, Taurus. But don’t forget that you have more in common with every person you’ve ever seen than with anything else in this ever-expanding cosmos. Hold on to your connectedness and you’ll soon be at peace as one in eight billion. You’ve got my eyes.

GEMINI

What was the best meal you ate in the last year, Gemini? Give it a minute. Think it through again. Who were you with and what was on the plate? Was it surprising and new or just the perfect version of an old favorite? Was it the flavors or the room or the company? Did you savor every bite or just shovel them in between laughs? Think about what makes these moments special, Gemini. Think about what feeds you. How are you going to get more of that next year?

CANCER

The future is coming too fast, Cancer. I’m afraid we’re not far from a time when an amateur astrologer’s job is obsolete because AI technology will be able to discern the wisdom of The Stars more quickly and accurately than a mushy flesh-brain like me ever could. We may be at the end of the age of marketable hobbies. And though I’m not afraid of our new robot overlords, I am a little sad about it. But the future has always been a scary place. It’s only the unknown until we get there. And if you’re going, Cancer, I assume it won’t be all that bad. Meet me behind the robot DMV.

LEO

If this is going to work out, Leo, you should know that I like the opening credits. I never click that “skip” button that takes you straight to the show. The opening credits prepare the imagination for an experience. While we’re on the subject, I like the closing credits, too. We don’t have to read them, but we should at least let them play. It helps my mind settle and think about what I’ve just seen. It’s sort of like the beginning of a new year and the end of an old one. It’s a moment to take stock. To make a list. To imagine what might come next. Also, Leo, could we watch something else?

VIRGO

New Year’s glasses were invented in the early 1990s. It was a decade full of obvious spaces for eyes to look through right in the middle of the year. Nines are perfect for making intop glasses. They’ve got little holes in the tops. What could be better? Believe it or not, Virgo, the first decade of the 2000s things actually improved. Nobody could believe their luck. Two zeroes in a row every year from 2000 to 2009. It was a magical time for novelty glasses. But those years are past. It was a stretch all the way through the 2010s and now it’s even worse. What’s blocking your view this year, Virgo? If the old way of looking is obfuscating your vision of the future, take the glasses off.

LIBRA

The new microwave didn’t fit under the cabinet. So I put it on the bookshelf. But then I had to move the printer into the living room and it looked so strange by the window. So I had to move the dresser into the hall. And there’s not really a place that the TV can go except above the fireplace. And if I angle the futon to face the corner there’s no room for my favorite orange chair. But would you rather have a chair or a microwave? Compromises must be made, Libra. But sometimes you have to make the first move before you can see what might be lost.

SCORPIO

If you were stranded on an island with all the materials to build a smartphone and a satellite connection, how long would it take you to make the call for rescue? If it were me, I’d just find a cave and try to develop a taste for coconuts. You may have been told, Scorpio, that you already have everything you need to be successful and happy. But if you feel like you’re just staring at a pile of raw materials, you may need to seek some guidance from somebody who’s built one of these things before.

SAGITTARIUS

What kind of spider is this, Sagittarius? I’ll send you a picture. I’m not too worried about it, but I thought you might know. Everytime I find one I just put it outside. Do you think it might be the same spider coming back into the cabinet under my sink or do you think this is a different one? Even if it’s one of the scary kinds — it doesn’t seem to be bothering anybody. Sometimes, Sagittarius, we want more information even if it doesn’t change our decision. Sometimes we just want to know what we’re doing even if we’re just gonna keep doing it.

Mr. Mysterio is still not a licensed astrologer, a trained exterminator, or a registered bandnamer. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1