HOBOSCOPES

SAGITTARIUS

I’ve got this string of lights that are supposed to flash green, red and white, but when I plugged them in nothing happened. Sometimes it’s just one bulb that’s burned out that breaks the circuit in the whole string. You may be feeling the same, Sagittarius, like something is keeping you from shining and you’re not sure what it is. Give yourself some time and attention. Check every bulb.

CAPRICORN

We all have that one coworker, Capricorn. You know, the one whose face mysteriously appears in the door-knocker on Christmas Eve, even though they died seven years ago. And they drag chains into your living room and say you’ve misused your time on earth and now you’ll be visited by three ghosts. You know who I’m talking about, Capricorn. Value those people who come back to tell you the truth.

AQUARIUS

The pilgrims who established the Plymouth colony never celebrated Christmas. In fact, they passed a law in 1659 that made celebrating Christmas in Massachusetts illegal. They were Puritans who believed high-church holidays were sinful excuses for drinking and decadence. This time of year has lots of layers. It gets too commercial. It gets too political. It always has. However you celebrate, Aquarius, or if you don’t, you’re doing it right.

PISCES

Whiskers on roses and raindrops on kittens. Or…wait a minute, Pisces, something’s not right. First, get those kittens inside, it’s raining for goodness sake. Next, we’re gonna need to dust off these roses. It’s hard to hang on to all your favorite things. Hard to keep them where you want them once you’ve got them. But nothing lasts, Pisces. Roses wilt and kittens cat. You’re lucky to catch a glimpse.

ARIES

It happens to me every year, Aries. I start getting visits from those ghosts of Christmases past. Some long-past. All my past. I think of the people who used to be closer. I remember the ones who used to be alive. And it can feel like a lot of loss, Aries. You’ve seen so much and loved so many and now you’re here. Making memories. Hold on tight.

TAURUS

Tonight I watched a movie about a successful crypto-currency saleswoman who goes back to her small town home for the holidays only to discover that the local hotdog repairman who washes her mom’s car is the same kid she used to beat up at canoe camp. Anyway, they fall in love and open a free eye clinic for cats. Just a reminder that anything can happen this month, Taurus. Anything.

GEMINI

Every year my Aunt Mavarine sends a giant tin of popcorn. It’s divided into three chambers. One caramel. One cheese. And one plain. The caramel always goes first, followed quickly by the cheese. Now it’s just the plain. It’s not so different than the packing peanuts the tin arrived in, but my hand goes back in. How are you feeding yourself, Gemini? If the best is gone, don’t settle.

CANCER

After you’ve checked your work email and your personal email and your work chat and your social media feed and your texts and your queue, Cancer, I know a ghost that would like a word with you. It can be difficult to look right in the face of Christmas Present. It’s easier to distract and rush ahead or look behind. But this moment is the one you’ve got. Be in it.

LEO

In the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, elves are an ancient and immortal race of noble warriors, healers and creators. They’re mighty in battle and deft with song and poetry. In the works of Rankin and Bass, elves are tiny, brightly clad, single-minded, North-Pole dwelling toymakers. I’m more of a Rankin/ Bass elf, but I aspire to Tolkienian greatness. Which one are you?

VIRGO

Every year at this time we hear the old story where the family of a long awaited messiah finds a brief respite before being forced to flee into the desert. Dune really is my favorite Christmas movie. There are Fremen who wait tending flocks of sandworms and Bene Gesserit wise-witches who come bearing strange gifts. Don’t forget, Virgo, fear is the mindkiller, so joy to the world.

LIBRA

Maybe I should stop checking the news, Libra. There’s plagues and wars. There’s guns and storms. And my mind conjures up the Ghost of Christmas yet to come. I lie in bed and worry that it will be too much of the bad and not enough of the good and the future will be impossible. We’re not there yet, Libra. And the only time we can change is now.

SCORPIO

The first of the Magi was Melchior, he brought a gift of gold. Caspar gave frankincense. Balthazar brought myrrh. Most people think there were only three, but I remember a fourth wise man. His name was Tony and he brought hand sanitizer. Honestly, mangers are pretty filthy. If you can’t think of a gift that’s grand, Scorpio, go with practical.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered electrician, or a trained mentat. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1