
7 minute read
Hoboscopes
LIBRA
When I walk out to the mailbox lately, I can’t help but think about how all things must pass. (It’s not just because of my neighbor’s yard that’s all done up with styrofoam headstones.) It’s the crunch under my feet with every step. The leaves that were so green and full of light and now are brown and brittle, laying in the grass, becoming something new. And you’re becoming something new too, Libra. Don’t worry just because you aren’t up in that tree dancing in the wind anymore. The crunch of the future is coming for you. You’ll be ready by spring.
S C O R P I O
I heard there was this kid who was in a tragic lake-sports-related accident at camp and now he’s an invincible adult who wears a hockey mask and seeks bloody revenge on all those who did him harm. It makes you think, Scorpio, that vengeance, while certainly fulfilling up to a point, can also get you caught in an unhealthy cycle. There’s always somebody else to blame for your pain and there’s always some way to hurt them back. But what if you treat your pain tenderly instead? Take your pain out in the boat for a lake day. Take off your mask and ask your pain what it needs.
SAGITTARIUS
And lo, a voice spake from the bottom of the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. It had a sound like 100 empty La Croix cans being run over by a Nissan Leaf. And the voice said “Sagittarius, why do you persecute yourself? Why do you accept fault and responsibility for things that are out of your control?” And so I replied into the ball pit, shouting: “You’re totally right!! Sagittarius could really let go of all that guilt and stress. Also, while you’re down there, did you find any car keys?” But no reply came. And, lo, the keys were never found.
CAPRICORN
My cousin is kind of a big deal fitness influencer. She says that if I stop treating my workouts as work then I can finally work my way out of this workout-as-work mentality and into a workout mentality that really works. At least, I think that’s what she said. Honestly, I scrolled past the last bit of the video. I decided I shouldn’t be staring at my phone while I’m out walking in the park. It’s a beautiful day, Capricorn. The leaves are turning and the sun is getting low. I’ll probably be out here for another 30 minutes or so if you need a walk after work.
AQUARIUS
I heard there was this terrible guy who died in a terrible fire and now he haunts his victims in their terrible dreams! Here’s the thing, Aquarius, if he gets them in the dream, he gets them in real life, so they can’t even go to sleep! Honestly, though, Aquarius, I don’t think you need to worry. Your dreams have always been different. Your goals are not the standard fare. And if you’re going to make progress on those dreams, you probably need to get some rest. (That terrible guy isn’t real anyway. Right?)
PISCES
Picture it, Pisces. You’re a contestant on that baking show where everybody is way too nice and supportive and you’ve made it to the final episode. It’s time for your signature-knockout-bake and they’ve asked you to create a cake that ushers in a new era of world-peace. You have four hours. Where do you start? Start with three deep breaths, Pisces. And then start moving. You have so much creativity and skill inside you, but if you want to get it out, you can’t do it standing still. On your mark, get set….
ARIES
There was a knock at my door tonight. Of course, I immediately turned on the black light, put in my plastic vampire teeth, pressed play on the cackling graveyard soundtrack, grabbed the bowl of peanut-butter-cups and answered. It was a guy in a yellow vest who wanted me to upgrade to fiber internet. He was grateful for the candy. Sure, Aries, it’s possible to be overprepared. But don’t let anybody dampen your excitement about your favorite things. Put on your yellow vest and knock on another door.
TAURUS
I heard he comes back to this little town every year on the same night. I heard he wears an inside-out William Shatner mask and wreaks havoc on unsuspecting upright citizens. I heard he can’t be stopped. No matter how many times it looks like he’s defeated, he gets back up and keeps going. Honestly, Taurus, it’s kind of inspirational. But you don’t have to measure your self worth against the grit of a horror franchise villain. If you need to stay down for a little while, I think you’ve earned it. Of course you’ll get back up again, eventually. But it doesn’t have to be right now.
GEMINI
Well, this is embarrassing, Gemini. It looks like our private text conversation about our mutual love of mozzarella sticks has leaked onto the internet. If I’d thought these would get out, I never would’ve used phrases like “me-wanna-marry-marinara“ or “crispy, gooey, tongue-burner” or “wow, good stretch!” But now it’s all out there. Sometimes having fewer secrets can be a relief, Gemini. It’s uncomfortable at first, but being fully known can really be a joy. Like that first bite into a way-too-hot mozzarella stick, it only hurts till it cools off.
CANCER
For most of the year, it’s hard to find fake blood at the strip mall next to the Olive Garden, but for some reason this time of year is different. Take advantage of the moment, Cancer. Don’t waste your time mourning the fireworks stands that closed in August or dreaming of the gingerbread sleigh you’ll build before the year is out. You have to do what you can with the time that’s been given to you. These fake blood capsules aren't going to chew themselves.
LEO
I heard there was this doll that got struck by lightning or something and then it came to life and went on an undefeatable rampage looking for a human body to transfer its evil-doll soul into. It’s not unusual to get caught up in the idea that if you can just find the right person, your life will finally be right. But I think you already know, Leo, that you’re already enough as you are. I’m not saying you have to stop your rampaging quest for wholeness. I’m just saying it might be time to turn your rampage within.
VIRGO
There’s a website where people post their resumes. They write nice things about themselves and list their accomplishments and abilities. And then they network with other people and congratulate each other for their promotions and “work anniversaries.” It scares me too, Virgo. But I don’t think you should discount it altogether. Maybe try it out just as an exercise. Write down three good things about yourself. Write down three accomplishments you're proud of. Now think of three people you can tell about those six things. I’m not positive, but this might be networking.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained camp counselor, or a registered baking show judge. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1