Hoboscopes

HOBOSCOPES

ARIES

How long has it been, Aries? Maybe a month? It seems like it just happened. But it also seems like a year ago. It still feels bad, but I guess I think about it less. In any case, I’m not sure how I would have made it through all that without you. And I’m not sure how the world is still making it through without them. Everyone you meet is so important, Aries. Even the ones you don’t much like. So we’ve got to hold onto each other and remember that everybody means everything to somebody. And the only ones to take care of them is us.

TAURUS

How much does it cost to feel better? I mean, you can feel a little bit better for $8 if you like chili cheese fries and espresso milkshakes. But then you end up feeling worse for the rest of the day. If you’re in a spendy mood, $20 will make you feel better for the length of time it takes to play “Don’t Stop Me Now” on the Waffle House jukebox 40 times in a row. (Honestly, though, I’ve found the thrill wears off after the 33rd time or so.) But how much does it cost to feel all the way better, Taurus? I’m not sure we’ve figured that one out yet. It probably costs some acceptance and some generosity. And I think you start by doing it for somebody else.

GEMINI

Emily Dickinson wrote “If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain.” And I’d guess that her catalog of 1,800 poems did the trick somewhere along the way — stopping hearts from breaking and all — so great job, Emily. I’m sorry, Gemini, if I seem dismissive, it’s just that I think sometimes hearts need to break. That it might be the only thing that changes minds. And I think poems can do that, but so can just having hard conversations with people you love. So tell the truth and break a heart and, I think, you shall not live in vain.

CANCER

According to my targeted-ads, scientists have invented a new shade of blue. I can’t say I really understand how that could be true. Blue is a known quantity, like, on the color wheel, right? Don’t we already know what all the blues are, Cancer? But I understand how the blues might seem like a new shade if you haven’t felt this way before. And I just want you to know that as bad as it can feel, you’re still on that wheel with the rest of us. You’re not the only one with these blues, Cancer. And when you’re ready, it might help if you tell us all what it’s like.

LEO

Poets, preachers, and politicians all love to tell that one story about boiling a frog. How if you start a happy little frog in tepid water and slowly raise the temperature, the frog will stay put until it’s boiled alive. Amateur astrologers know better. I mean, sure I could use that metaphor for how things around you are getting more and more extreme and you’re just being cool about it. But it’s just not factually true, Leo. Frogs are like the rest of us. When the water gets too hot, they jump out. And you will too, Leo. I know you’re going to jump. I’m just a little surprised it’s taking this long.

VIRGO

It’s true, Virgo, that love beats fear every time. Keep in mind, however, that paper covers love, fear scares rock, rock crushes scissors, and scissors…well, I’ve gotten a little turned around in this metaphor, Virgo. I just want you to know that it’s not always easy to hang on to your love. Nor is it simple to beat your fear. There may be other factors at play that make things seem too complicated. But I hope you notice there are other people here who are on your side — people who love what you love and who want to beat fear just as badly as you do. If the game starts getting away from you, look for those folks.

LIBRA

How many actual governments were overthrown by the interactive hit Konami home game Dance, Dance, Revolution? Zero, Libra. It’s zero governments. DDR was more a revolution of the body and mind than of the sociopolitical sphere. Still, it’s a reminder to me, Libra, that every revolution starts by getting off the couch and standing up. Maybe after that you step onto a soft plastic dance pad in front of your television. Or maybe you leave the house. It’s really up to you.

SCORPIO

Leonard Cohen once wrote “How can I begin anything new with all of yesterday in me?” I get it, but if you’re full of a hot stack of painful yesterdays, Scorpio, I’d say the first thing to do is acknowledge it. You’ve been through a lot and some of that has some real weight that needs your attention. Maybe the new thing you start today is letting your yesterdays take up the space they need.

SAGITTARIUS

Sometimes when something terrible happens, the people in charge get real metaphysical. They start talking about “evil” and “evildoers.” You’ve heard them do it, Sagittarius. They talk about other realms and dark forces. What they’re really saying is that we don’t know. We don’t know why the terrible thing happened. And we’re afraid to find out. It’s easier to blame a problem on a ghost or a beast or a satanist army than to admit that we’re just scared to look. Stare your problems square in the face today, Sagittarius. Accept what you can and change what you can’t and don’t get too metaphysical.

CAPRICORN

So it’s settled. Me and my anxiety are running away together. We quit our jobs and rented a van and got matching sunglasses and we’re in love, Capricorn! My anxiety has never felt so sure about anything and I’ve never been this nervous. I guess we have to face our fears, Capricorn. And there are feelings that we have to accept and even learn to live with. But maybe we don’t have to identify with them so fully? You should look into that, Capricorn, while my anxiety and I are picking out a sofa.

AQUARIUS

This weather is crazy lately, Aquarius! Too hot, too cold, too wet, too windy, and then just right. Or maybe that’s just what the weather is like. It changes. And then we act surprised. I guess it’s just something easy to chat about over a nice chianti. Curse or blessing, Aquarius, change shows up. But instead of smalltalking over weather why not acknowledge some of the bigger, scarier changes that you see. Talk about what winds are blowing on the inside. What’s got you worried? What gives you hope? It’s all your change and it’s all worth talking about.

PISCES

I called all the offices and I filled out the online petitions. I just don’t know who to send this last letter to. An old poet told me that words can only do so much. That’s hard for a guy like me to hear, Pisces. I think you get it, though. Sometimes you have to stand up from the desk and get moving. I think it’s that kind of week. Let me know what time and I’ll try to meet you there. Maybe I can hand this letter off in person.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained instigator, or a registered representative. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1