Hoboscopes

HOBOSCOPES

PISCES

As I understand it, the first law of thermodynamics is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only moved around. And the second is like it, that energy in systems tends to move from a state of order toward chaos. This reminds me, Pisces, that though there are many things about yourself that you feel you’ve lost, it may be that they aren’t gone at all. Perhaps they’re just not in the stacks where you thought you left them. Maybe those things are just spreading out from your life and into the lives of everyone around you. Or maybe I don’t understand thermodynamics.

ARIES

You should see my new astrologer’s watch! Each number is a different sign of the zodiac and it syncs with my phone and tells me the best time to consult the stars regarding your impending well-being and/or doom. It’s been ticking along fine, but today it completely stopped working at exactly half-past Aries. It’s hard to say, but I think that means you might need to take a break. In fact, you might get a break even if you don’t stop to take one. For my part, I think it means I need to get on the phone with tech-support.

TAURUS

You want your burger with extra mustard and no onions? Absolutely! You’d like the deluxe car wash with undercarriage-sparkle? Sure thing! You’d take your coffee with a little steamed oat milk and a stopper for the lid? Guaranteed! But aren’t you starting to worry, Taurus, that the things you’re asking from life are a little too…achievable? If the only answer you ever hear is “yes” you might not be asking the important questions. Stretch for a “no” this week just to see how well you recover. You might be surprised.

GEMINI

I think of all those big stories that begin with the words “And It came to pass…” And I love that little twist of language, Gemini. It tells you everything you need to know. Even the most important events in the grandest stories never come to stay. They come to pass. And this will too, Gemini. No matter how permanent it seems today, there is one thing I can guarantee. Good or bad, it won’t stick around.

CANCER

I called-in to this tech support-line to see if my astrologer’s watch is still under warranty. First I entered my serial number and zip code. Then it wanted my middle name and the last four digits of my social. Now it’s asking if I’d like to speak to a support-wizard or a technical-vizier. Sometimes, Cancer, our one simple question leads to three more complex ones. But keep asking yours and answering the ones that come back. Eventually you might get through to a real person.

LEO

I regret to inform you that this month’s pragmatic-existentialism ‘n’ roller-skating night has been canceled due to low attendance at last month’s nihilist rock-climbing event. If you want your diverse interests to be represented in our group activities, Leo, you’re going to have to open those evites and respond. The more opportunities you take, the more there will be in the future. And if you like the future, you’ll love next week’s futurist-poetry bowling night. Get your name on the list while it’s still on the calendar!

VIRGO

The story goes that the king got a warning from the prophet. The seer said that things were looking dangerous and that the ruler should take heed. Nobody knows if it would have helped if the monarch had listened to the mystic. All we get from the story is that things turned out just as badly as the fortune-teller told. That’s why I try to be more specific in my alerts, Virgo. None of these vague “bewares.” And for you, my regal friend, I just want to emphasize that this is a good week to back up your data and check your batteries.

LIBRA

I’m on hold waiting for tech support and I know this song from somewhere. It’s the one with the drums that go like “tik-tik-tah-badaba-tah-badaba” and then the guitar is all “wreeewr-sk-wrEEEwr-doo” and it builds up slow right to the part where the vocals should come in and then there’s a click and a guy says “Due to unusually high call volume, all our technicians are busy helping other customers. Please stay on the line.” And then it starts over. “Tik-tik-tah.” These loops can be maddening. A song that never starts. If you’re tired of waiting, Libra, I suggest you hang up on this one and turn on the radio. They’ll at least get to the chorus.

SCORPIO

Everybody’s been trying to get you to think outside the box lately, Scorpio. I know that sounds edgy and revolutionary and all, but I think it’s overrated. Boxes are just the categories we put things in. You have good reasons for your boxes. It’s how you get things done. Inside the box thinking has gotten you a long way. The only thing I’d suggest, Scorpio, is that you may have too many things crammed in there. Keep the important stuff in the box and toss some of the other things out. It’ll give you more room to shake things around.

SAGITTARIUS

People love circles, Sagittarius. But there aren’t really circles in nature. I mean, not perfect circles, anyway. Planets and eggs and water droplets are all circular, but not quite circles. We came up with circles in our math classes and then we just started making them everywhere. People love circles. A perfectly arched line that returns to itself. But if you find yourself always returning here, Sagittarius, remember that it’s a choice. They don’t exist in nature. Not really.

CAPRICORN

After waiting on hold for tech support for more than 45 minutes, I’d all but given up hope. But then I met Conrad. Conrad told me my limited edition astrologer’s watch is still under warranty. Conrad says he’s doing everything he can to help. When Conrad couldn’t get instant approval for a free repair, he used his team-manager passcode to override the ticket-chain. Conrad’s not supposed to do that, but he did it for me, Capricorn. In five to nine business days I’ll receive a replacement watch at no additional fee. Sometimes we get what we ask for, Capricorn. If you can’t get it from the fates, try Conrad.

AQUARIUS

I can never remember what day we’re supposed to wear green, Aquarius. I’ve been wearing it all month just in case. It’s the only way to be sure nobody will surprise-pinch me when I least expect it. Precautions are important, Aquarius, it’s true. But I wonder if caution is keeping you from taking some risks that are worth taking. Wear whatever color you need to wear to stay safe, but don’t let it stop you from being known.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained physicist, or a team-manager. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1