HOBOSCOPES

AQUARIUS

Sure, I know that the earth is just a wet ball of sand and molten iron that’s constantly spinning while it makes a destinationless path through a nearly empty cosmos, but it’s still a great place to live. I mean, it’s got kangaroos, and Yo-Yo Ma, and it’s really the only place you can find decent onion rings anymore. What I’m saying, Aquarius, is that sometimes you’ve got to get close up to see the good stuff. You may feel like you’re just the sum of your parts, but the whole can be so much better.

PISCES

You have heard it said, Pisces, that “no news is good news.” But I’ll tell you something, your good news is real news to me. When somebody asks you how it’s going, you don’t have to talk about the infuriating report you heard on the radio about incompetence or the maddening article you just read about injustice. If you want, Pisces, you can just talk about the bird that you saw by the lake. He was so tall and thin and focused on the water. Maybe the real news is that you didn’t let the noise get to you today. If you can find that place, maybe you can share it.

ARIES

Alfred Hitchcock was known for creating terror in the hearts of his audiences. Some of his films are so iconic that the scenes and shots and performances have been referenced and riffed-on in hundreds of movies since. Unfortunately, Hitchcock was also known for creating terror in the hearts of the actresses who worked for him. He was manipulative and abusive and inappropriate. What he made was beautiful and new but how he made it was a mess. It’s not worth it, Aries. Even if your vision is remarkable, it won’t be worth getting there unless you can do it with kindness for those around you.

TAURUS

This horoscope is a work of fiction. All names, characters, and incidents portrayed herein are purely fictitious and any resemblance to actual places, products, or persons (living or dead) is purely coincidental. Except it does remind me of you, Taurus. I just mean that I’m hearing you use a lot of disclaimers lately. Honestly, I think you should just say what you know to be true. If people need clarification, they can ask. I’m just afraid you’re spending so much time imagining how your statements might be taken the wrong way that you’re afraid to say anything at all.

GEMINI

Will that be credit or debit, Gemini? Great! And will you be having that for here or to go? All right. And did you want it in a bag or a box? Good choice! And would you rather be an aging lion stretching out to rest in the desert sun or a young olive tree only just beginning to flower? Interesting. Sometimes, Gemini, the choices are clear and the answers are easy. Sometimes we need to wonder if there might be more options than we’d assumed or if we even need to answer at all. Sometimes there’s more than two choices.

CANCER

Just like most people you know, a bat has five fingers on each hand. Unlike most people you know, a bat’s elongated fingers are connected by a thin membrane that stretches between them to create wings. Can you imagine that, Cancer, you just stretch out your hand and fly up into the night sky? Honestly, I think you could do it. I think you’ve got most of what you need to do anything you want. You have all the basics, you just need to find a way to connect them.

LEO

In 1870 the Bender family moved west to Kansas. A mother, a father, a daughter and a son built a house, opened a general store, and kept an extra room where they could take in travellers for the night. Three years later the entire Bender family disappeared after it was revealed that they had been murdering guests and burying them on their property. They’d killed at least 12 people, some say upward of 20, and then they vanished forever. We don’t always get to know the motives of the people who do the most damage in our lives. Sometimes we never get the whole story. But I’m grateful you’ve been able to travel on past the damage that’s been done. I’m glad to see you’re travelling still.

VIRGO

When I was a kid I went to Yosemite National Park with my grandparents. We went to a lake and there were some older kids with a rope tied to a tree. They would swing out over the water and let go. I wanted to try, and I asked my grandmother to take a picture of me making my jump. I swung out, I turned around and saw that my grandmother still had the camera at her side. I was so disappointed that she didn’t get the picture, I forgot to let go of the rope and instead I came crashing back into the tree. Sometimes, Virgo, life is better if you just take the jump. Don’t worry about the picture.

LIBRA

When The Wizard of Oz was made, special effects artists had a hard time getting the tornado just right. First they made a big cone out of rubber. It was the right shape, but it was too stiff and wouldn’t flow like a tornado. So they switched to cloth. In the end, they sewed what was essentially a giant sock. The final product is still terrifying. The funnel cloud sways and juts unpredictably. This week Libra, you may need to find a more flexible solution. Something a little less rigid and more lifelike.

SCORPIO

In October of 1880 a large part of the central United States was hit with a blizzard. Just as it began to thaw, another wave of snow hit. Snowfall after snowfall, freeze after freeze. The “Snow Winter” continued this way for most of six months, finally beginning to thaw in March. Sometimes, Scorpio, it feels like you can’t even stand up before you get knocked down again. It’s been a lot lately. But there is still a thaw coming. You’ll see the sun again.

SAGITTARIUS

I’m not sure when I became a daily coffee drinker, Sagittarius. At first it’s just a fun and tasty little ritual. You get a hot cup of good stuff and it gives you a little burst of energy. But now if I go a day without coffee I get a headache. Sometimes, Sagittarius, the things that used to help us out start to hold us back. Take a look at your rituals this week.

CAPRICORN

The first daily newspaper comic strip was called “A. Piker Clerk” and it was about a man with a gambling problem. Mr. Clerk would appear in the comic placing his bet on a real world horse race and the following day, after the actual race was run, the character would react to his win or loss in some comical way. It’s a complicated premise for what would eventually become a pretty straightforward format. It can take a long time to learn how to tell your stories, Capricorn, but it’s worth it. If you feel like the people in your life don’t understand you as well as they should, try telling the story again.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained chiropterologist, or a respected film critic. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1