The Contributor: February 15, 2023

HOBOSCOPES

AQUARIUS

This reminds me of the first 12 minutes of a horror movie, Aquarius. Our protagonist (you?) is overcoming a few daily struggles and might have a new opportunity on the horizon. Maybe things are even starting to work out... but then…what, Aquarius? You think this is the part when the horror arrives? Just because things are going well this week, doesn’t mean the monster is about to appear. Sometimes the only villain is the fear that keeps us from enjoying this moment and the dread that stops us from doing the next good thing. Stop checking around every corner and live like this 12 minutes will never end.

PISCES

The sunrise was beautiful this morning, Pisces. Bright glowing pinks with swirls of orange and stripes of red cutting through the dark blue clouds as the last of the stars faded out. The only thing nicer would have been if I’d slept through it. But while I watched that scene flare into existence and then disappear, I thought about how hard it can be to let yourself rest, Pisces. There are so many things that can pop into the mind — thoughts that beg to be chased around in circles and steal your focus and wake you up. Try letting those thoughts just run past you today. Those thoughts are not as permanent as they pretend.

ARIES

When I was in 8th grade I got strep throat and had to stay home from school. My first morning back, I sat down for math class and something wasn’t right. Instead of fractions and decimals, which I was pretty good at, everything was letters now. “If x+y=z, then what is y? Did you hear me, Mr. Mysterio?” I suddenly had no idea what anybody was talking about. “What is why?” Everything was in the wrong place. If you’re feeling behind or out of sync lately, don’t worry, Aries. You just missed a couple of days. Don’t stress it, just keep asking questions and you’ll catch up.

TAURUS

There’s a new bowling alley up the road, but bowling is nothing new, Taurus. Archeologists have found ancient proto-pins and balls that indicate an early form of bowling was practiced in Egypt more than 7,000 years ago. My guess is that if you leave any group of humans alone for long enough, regardless of language or culture, they will eventually invent bowling. The big round one knocks down the little unstable ones. It’s fun. Sometimes the laws of physics just tell you what to do. Sometimes you need to think about it a little longer. Maybe mull it over while you throw a few frames.

GEMINI

Meteorologists say there was a new record breaking wind-chill in the United States. Mount Washington in New Hampshire hit a “feels like” of negative 108°. But this raises a question for me, Gemini. If there was nobody around to feel the “feels like” temperature of negative 108°, did it really happen? It didn’t really “feel like” anything. It reminds me, Gemini, that I think you should trust your feelings, but maybe don’t rely so much on the stories that you tell yourself about your feelings. Like “I feel anxious” can be a helpful indicator of how you might want to engage with your body and mind. But “I always feel anxious.” is just a story fueled by those feelings. Those are the kinds of stories meteorologists tell, Gemini. Amateur astrologers are against that sort of thing.

CANCER

Is a colander the same thing as a sieve? At my house, we always just had a “strainer” but now I need to order a new one for my sister. (Turns out, you’re not supposed to strain cement. How else do you get the clumps out?) In any case, Cancer, sometimes we don’t want to throw the pasta out with the pasta-water and we need a little help. It reminds me, Cancer, that with so much information rushing in all the time, to catch the good stuff and let the rest go down the drain. Maybe see if you can turn off the input altogether for a while. Stop trying to catch everything and leave that sieve empty for a bit

LEO

If you could go back in time and talk to your young self what would you say to them? Would you encourage them or warn them? What kind of information would be most helpful to that kid? Here’s the good news, Leo, you actually can. The past doesn’t exactly exist. So that kid is mostly just real in your mind. You are that kid. What do you have to tell yourself?

VIRGO

The center of the earth is about as hot as the surface of the sun. The swirling, molten ball in the middle of our planet is mostly compressed liquid iron and it’s not cooling down any time soon. Reminds me of a certain Virgo I know. There’s a lot of heat in there and I don’t see that you’ve got a plan for letting off steam. Sure, you could try just keeping it bottled up forever, but eventually something’s going to come to the surface. Maybe do a little cautious digging this week.

LIBRA

I like it when the seats in the movie theater have that button you can press to make them recline. But I don’t like the slow, stretchy moaning sound that the faux leather makes while it goes back. I feel like everybody in here is looking at me. But maybe we shouldn’t worry so much about what everybody else in the theater thinks, Libra. Do what makes you comfortable. (Even if it makes a noise.)

SCORPIO

When you’re on a six-lane highway, you’ve got some decisions to make. Feel free to change lanes according to your need for speed. Explore the options. But when you’re at the stoplight and there are two turn lanes and you’re already in one, your choice has already been made, Scorpio. Stay in your lane. Keep your eyes in front of you. Those folks in the other lane have enough problems of their own without you making a last-minute swerve. Which situation are you in today, Scorpio?

SAGITTARIUS

Perhaps you’ve been told not to go chasing waterfalls, Sagittarius. It’s a fair point. They do sit right up there on the edge and they are extremely splashy. Not to mention the momentum and the rocks. But this week, Sagittarius, you might find that the waterfalls are chasing you. And if you’re chased by a waterfall, you don’t really have the choice to stay put, you can either run away, back to your old rivers and lakes, or you can run toward the chaotic beauty in front of you. Neither direction is wrong, but I know which one looks more fun.

CAPRICORN

I get so nervous when the guy behind the counter flips the screen around and it asks me if I want to tip 20% or 25% or 30%. I mean, I don't want to be the guy who picks the minimum but I can’t be giving everybody the maximum either, right? But always picking the middle is so arbitrary. What if this guy deserves more? Doesn’t everybody? It’s hard to know how much is yours to give, Capricorn. But we both know you’ve got more than you deserve. I say spread around as much as you can stand.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained mathematician, or a registered bowler. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1