Hoboscopes

HOBOSCOPES

AQUARIUS

D7, Aquarius. No? OK, how about B8? Maybe F2? F5? C6? E2? Seriously, nothing? Look, Aquarius, if you’re going to play Battleship, you’re going to have to put your boats on the board. We don’t mind guessing what’s up. We’re genuinely interested. But if you hide all your pieces in the tray, this won’t be much of a game. I know, you’re afraid that to be known is to be sunk. I promise, that’s not it. Let’s reset the pieces and try again. I’ll let you guess first.

PISCES

I’m at home sick again, Pisces. It makes me think of when I was a kid missing school, watching The Price Is Right and eating freshly microwaved chicken soup. These days, nobody gets me an orange juice just because I shout “Mom” down the hallway. And nobody tells me it’s all going to get better soon. I have to look at my own life and my own history and the data and The Stars and the lives of those I’ve known and loved and then decide on my own what might get better when. And, given everything that’s come before, Pisces, I’m officially putting in a word for yes, it will get better. You will get through this. Reach out if you need to. But use the phone. Don’t come by. I’m sick.

ARIES

I’ve spent my whole life trying to look like I’m not doing anything on purpose. I’m confused about why, but maybe that’s just another layer of the bit. Somewhere I decided that people would think I was conceited if I ironed my shirt or had pants that weren’t at least a little too long. I bring this up because I think you incline in the opposite direction, Aries. You want people to know that you got where you are through your own efforts and your own choices. And you deserve credit. But take a minute today and think about the things that got you here that weren’t up to you. The opportunities, the forgiveness, the coincidences, the gifts. You can do some gratitude on purpose, too.

TAURUS

Let me get you a menu while you wait, Taurus. The weekly special is tuna-spinach casserole and the soup of the day is still three-bean chili. We’ll get you seated just as soon as a table opens up. One thing before I forget, Taurus, sometimes things take a little longer than we expect. Sometimes it feels like we’re right on time and the rest of the world is running behind. Maybe stop pushing so hard and take the time as it’s given. Breathe deep and rest into this moment of waiting. I’ll get you a water.

GEMINI

I’m not into blaming other people for their circumstances, Gemini. Still, I feel like if I’d done some things differently, I wouldn’t be sick on my futon trying to get my right sinus to open up just a little bit so I can breathe just enough to fall asleep. But it’s never too late to start living smarter, Gemini. Sure, I’ve got some recovering to do, but once I feel well enough to reenter the world, I’m gonna do it with a little extra care and caution. What extra steps have you been skipping? This is a good week to start.

CANCER

The Voyager 1 space probe launched in September of 1977 and it’s been traveling ever since. These days, it’s nearly 15 billion miles from where it started. It’s the farthest man made object from earth and it’s still sending back signals. You’re pretty far from where you started too, Cancer. But I hope you’ll keep checking in. What you’re doing is progress. It’s never been done. And we all want to hear about what you’ve seen and what you think about it. Next time you pass a comet, shoot us a text.

LEO

Well, this is it. This is the only shirt I have left that doesn’t have hot sauce stains on it. But it’s lunch time, Leo. And this burrito is tasting just a little bit bland. We always protect the things we love the most. Sometimes that’s how we find out what we really care about. Whatever I may tell myself, I’m learning that I care more about spicy, tart, salty deliciousness, than I do about how I’m going to look behind the podium at this memorial service. Learn what you love most, Leo, and never be ashamed of what you do to keep it safe.

VIRGO

I’m in bed with a fever, Virgo. I don’t actually own a thermometer, I just know that whenever my temperature gets over 99 degrees, I get really emotional about the commercials that auto-play before my amateur astrology videos. Like in this one, the dog wanders too far away from the family at the park and she can’t find them anywhere and then that Journey song starts to play and just when he sings “and now I come to you with open arms” the dog looks up and there’s her owner with a bag of bacon and peanut butter Flexi-Chews and…I can hardly keep it together, Virgo. It helps to have proper diagnostic tools to sort out your problems, but sometimes you just know. If you need a little extra help this week, you don’t have to prove it to anybody but yourself.

LIBRA

Before social media, if we wanted to share our opinions publicly, the only affordable option was a bumper sticker. You could max out your ‘87 Civic with “No Nukes,” “I Brake for Trekkies,” “Snoopy for President,” “Be a Pepper,” “I Hate Unicorns.” The sun roof was the limit! It was a fantastic way to be fully known and understood while waiting in the drive-thru at Hardee’s. This reminds me, Libra, that while your opinions are great, they are not what makes you valuable. You are worthy of love whether or not you intend to “Keep on Truckin’.” We want to know you deeper than your bio and wider than your “take.”

SCORPIO

I used to keep a scorecard, Scorpio. Am I having more good days or bad days? Which team is winning? I thought I could use that data to steer this ship. But it turns out the bad days were how I learned how to really love the good ones. The good days gave me the fuel I needed to make it through the bad. I learned to love them both and now there’s just days. And the just days are all worth it. Sure, Scorpio, if you find yourself putting another tick-mark in the “bad” column and you think a change of scenery, companions, or career will turn all that around, it’s ok to make a change. But let these days love each other, Scorpio. And let the love take care of you.

SAGITTARIUS

I think I’m feeling better today. No more fever. My headache is gone. My throat is still a little scratchy and I’m sure I’ll finish off this kleenex box today, but maybe I could get up and get some work done. I’ll just do some dishes and get the mail and maybe some laundry and…nope, that’s it, that’s gonna be all for today. I need to get back in bed and keep healing. You can too, Sagittarius, if that’s what you need today. It’s easy to overtax our bodies and our minds. But taking time to heal shouldn’t be something we have to forgive. Less working today, Sagittarius, more taking care.

CAPRICORN

Remember when Jim Betts jumped off the swingset and broke his arm and the ambulance drove right onto the playground? Or when Alan Wright jumped straight up all spread-eagle but then landed back on the diving board and had to go to the ER? (He was fine, I think.) And wasn’t it you, Capricorn, that dropped your own sword on your head during the Macbeth rehearsal and the doctor stapled your scalp? It never happens the way we think it will, Capricorn. But there are always people who can help. If you haven’t found them yet, keep asking around. Somebody’s gonna know how to put you back together. \

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained thermometer, or a registered paramedic. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1