The National Fish Rapper - 1996

FOUR COLOR

ELVIS FOUND DEAD! OJ SIMPSON PRIME SUSPECT; FLEES GRACELAND IN WHITE STRETCH BRONCO. DEFENSE ‘DREAM TEAM’ MEMBERS CANCEL BOOK TOURS TO REUNITE

News That Just Won’t Leave You Alone

1996 Edition • $3.00 (OR BEST OFFER)

900-foot Ray Scott Appears NY in Amazing photo

snapped by fleeing cab driver * FLATTENED ISLAND, New York—Cab Driver Goonjii Machghmuut was able to take this amazing photograph, above, of a 900-foot tall Ray Scott wading across New York Harbor, just moments before his Yellow Stain Cab was crushed under the legendary bass tournament creator’s mammoth foot.

Barely escaping with his life, Goonjii rushed his disposable Kodak® camera to a local Eckerd Drug Store for 1-hour processing, figuring he could sell the photograph to an unscrupulous tabloid newspaper for enough money to bring the entire population of his home village to America to share his half-room apartment off a Times Square alley. Unfortunately, the manager of the drug store was more unscrupulous than most of the tabloids in question.

He decided HE would sell the photo to the highest bidder

GO TO PG 2

*

LOSE UP TO 300 LBS. ON THE CHEESEBAIT DIET FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 1

SATAN

ELECTED TO CONGRESS MASSACHUSETTS VOTERS FED UP WITH ‘GOODY-GOODY’ LIBERALS

8/22/18 1:57 PM

e t c h B

didn’t

n K ow

idbits of preposterously unlikely T facts and events, such as:

“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...”

...that eating soup through a straw is the leading cause of human spontaneous combustion, the rare condition in which victims suddenly burst into flames. Benjy Moravitz of Scalding Palms, Ariz. was seen slurping cream of chicken soup through a straw just minutes before he exploded in the Eat ‘Em ‘N Weep diner. The spontaneous explosion killed three innocent bystanders and caused over $80 in damage to the diner.

Diner proprietor “Happy” Titus cleaned up the mess with a shop vac and was re-openened within 30 minutes, but said that business was “a little off” for the rest of the day. Leading scientists,

while refusing to agree or disagree on the actual occurrence of spontaneous combustion, did not rule out the possibility that soup could be a prime factor in such a phenomenon, depending largely on the amount of grant money made available to leading scientists by the soup industry.

“ BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...” . ..that wombats evolved from prehistoric insurance salesmen.

It’s true. Look it up.

“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...”

...that the planet Neptune was named after Neptune McGinty, feisty shortstop for the Cincinnati Reds from 1908-1936.

McGinty got hit in the head so many times at bat that he was nicknamed “The Astronomer” due to all the stars he saw. The constant beanings finally took their toll, however. In the 1936 World Series against the New York Yankees, McGinty was hit in the head a total of 52 times and suddenly, in the middle of Game 7, began ranting uncontrollably.

He claimed to be a “player’s representative” named Fehr and talked of such nonsense as “free agency” and player contracts worth millions of dollars.

Naturally, he was judged mentally incompetent and put away where he could do no harm to himself or others, ending a long and glorious sports career. He

“ BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...”

Published as a public service by the Highland Publishing Company, Inc. The National Fish Rapper®© is the Evil Twin of Texas Fish & Game© magazine.

Home office: 7600 W. Tidwell Suite 708 Houston, TX 77040 713/690-FISH • Fax: 713/690-PDFW Or find us at our Internet Address: http:www\cheap@yellow.scum.(go 3 blocks and turn left).com WARNING: This publication is SATIRICAL in nature. Not to be taken seriously. If taken seriously, seek professional help immediately. Do not induce vomiting (it will come naturally). Do not apply to open wounds. Do not pick up hitchhikers. Do not mess with Mother Nature.

Do not believe anything your hear or see.

NOTE TO THE HUMOR IMPAIRED: If you are parodied in The Fish Rapper® and are clinically incapable of taking a joke, please accept our warmest and fuzziest apologies. (We don’t take any of it back, we just appologize.)

P A G E 2

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 2

•

FROM PG 1 of the yellow-dog journalists in the sleazy tabloid industry. He switched the film on Goonjii, and when the immigrant cab driver picked it up, he unknowingly took off for Tabloid Row with photos of the Rabinowitz Wedding.

Meanwhile, the 900-foot Ray Scott headed west. He was spotted drop-kicking mini-vans along a stretch of I-94 outside of St. Paul. Then he was spotted near Nashville, where he was mistaken for hefty country-western mega-star Garth Brooks.

Later in the week, televangelist Oral Roberts reported seeing the 900-foot bass legend outside his home in Tulsa, Okla. He told his congregation of followers that the behemouth vision gave him a mischievous wink and then stepped on his garage, reducing it to splinters. This, Roberts told the mesmerized congregation, brought about the need for him to raise $62 million in contributions before next Friday.

The gigantic Scott was reported last seen outside the Dallas Cowboys training facility, where he was trying to convince head coach Barry Switzer that he was heavy enough to try out for the team’s offensive line.

. ..that if you try to sing the words to the classic Samuel Coleridge poem “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” it will come out to the tune of “Gilligan’s Island.” (Go ahead, try it if you don’t believe us.)

“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...”

...that legendary Hollywood producer David O. Selsnick, in 1946, came up with an idea to stage big money bass fishing tournaments across the country.

His “Bass Maestro” tournaments would draw large numbers of spectators and provide enormous marketing oportunities to the growing fishing tackle industry. He also saw it as a way to support a weekly newsreel feature and a monthly rotogravure magazine. He gave up on the venture when a young stuntman at his studio, named Ray Scott, ridiculed the idea and convinced him it would never work.

“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...”

...that it is illegal in France to impersonate Maurice Chevalier while ordering food in a restaurant. Just ask tourist Perry Noya. He found out the hard way.

FISH RAPPER® STAFF/POSSE

2ND ANNUAL ASA COLLECTOR’S EDITION

900-Ft. High Ray Scott Flattens Manhattan

spent the remainder of his life in the U.S. House of Representatives.

President . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Roy “Snoop Doggy Dish” Neves Publisher . . . . . . . . . . . . . Don “Sniff Doggy Doo” McPherson Editor. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Marvin “Snooze Doggy Snore” Spivey Asst. Editor. . . . . . . . . . . . . Laura “Scarf Doggy Bag” Brewster Head Writer. . . . . . . . . . . . Larry “Swipe Doggy Bone” Bozka Writer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Vince “Swerve Doggy Ditch” Matthews Printing Chief. . . . . . . . . . . . Griff “Snap Doggy Neck” Morris Advertising Sales. . . . . . . . Jeni “Stay Doggy Sit” Schuhmann Advertising Sales. . . . . . . Ardia “Skewer Doggy Meat” Neves Advertising Sales. . . . . . . . . Luke “Stoop Doggy Style” Sivilich Advertising Sales. . . . . . . . . . Bill “Snarl Doggy Bite” Warren Advertising Sales. . . . . . Tom “Snivel Doggy Drool” Morrison Classified Sales . . . . . . . . Tommy “Shoot Doggy Bark” Garza Adv. Coordinator. . . . . . Jennifer “Spay Doggy Ouch” Gibson Art Director. . . . . . . . . . Cecily “Menace II Civilization” Howze Layout. . . . . . . . . . . Betty “Menace II The Economy” Demarest Adv. Production. . . . . . . . . . Troy “Menace II Himself” Trevino Prod. Coord.. . . . . . . . Anna “Menace II Deadlines” Campbell Circulation Dir.. . . . . . . . . Ed “Menace II Da Bears” Wornson Asst. Circ. Dir.. . Stephanie “Menace II Subscribers” Woodhead Circ. Asst. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stacey “Menace II Boyz” Perez Circ. Asst. . . . . . . . Johnna “Menace II the 5th Caller” Peoples Illustrations . . . . . . . . Jeff “Menace II His Own Shoes” Neves Color Man. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dave “Drive-By” Hargraves Pre-Press Specialist. . . . . . . . . . . . . Steve “Crawl-By” Morell Head Pressman. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nick “Supervise-By“ Barberi Accounting. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Judy “Audit-By” Gould Chairman of the Bored. . . . . . . . . . Bill “Gangsta CPA” Bray And Jerry Mathers, As The Beaver

!

!

Nutrition Facts: Serv. Size 1 Issue Amount per Serving Calories 0

% Daily Value

Total Fat 0g

0%

Sarcasm 640g

2000%

Cynicism 6000g

20,000%

Libel 10,000g

40,000%

Malicious Intent 40,000g

200,000%

Verifiable Fact 0 g

0%

FISH RAPPER® EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS...

This issue of The National Fish Rapper® is dedicated to raising funds for the Future Fishermen’s Foundation, a non-profit organization for the promotion of fishing to youth. All proceeds from ads in this issue will be donated to the Future Fishermen’s Foundation.

Thanks to the following advertisers whose sense of humor is matched by their sense of responsibility to our industry:

Abu Garcia Berkley

Bill Norman Lures Crestliner

Fred Arbogast Kenner Boats

Kodiak Communications Parks Blue Wave Boats

VMC Hooks

T H E N A T I O N A L F I S H R A P P E R ® • ”The World’s Leading Source of Worthless Information” •

1 9 9 6

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM

BIG JOHNSON, Texas—In a scene reminiscent of a Herb Booth painting, massive flocks of widgeon, pintail and mallards had returned on their fall migration into southeast Texas. With wings set, circling back over the decoy spread, the ducks answered the call.

They seemed to be beckoning: “Shoot me, you burly bunch of macho devils, you!”

It was an even pace, dictated by the incoming flights of waterfowl. And each thundering rise from the hunters’ guns was followed by the charge and splash of the enthusiastic Labrador retriever. The black dog dutifully retrieved each fallen duck without hesitation. It was perfect until... the dog suddenly took a break from the action.

“Rex! Come, Rex!” Rising from their blind to search for their faithful friend, they noticed the big pile of feathers. And there was Rex, trying to gulp down the last of the day’s limit.

“Bad dog, Rex! Bad, bad dog!” shouted the hunter.

Rex growled with bad intentions and he and his owner began playing tug-of-war with a limp mallard.

Sound familiar? If this has happened to you—and all your friends refuse to go hunting with you unless Rex stays at home—perhaps you should consider doing what hundreds of other Texas hunters have done over the past year.

Consider enrolling your unruly Rex in the Lyndon Baines Johnson (LBJ) School for Unruly Hunting Dogs.

Founded by the former President from Texas, the school places major emphasis on the special loving bond that must form between dog and hunter, giving the animal the inbred desire to please his master in the field.

Failing that, individual trainers will show owners how they can get their dogs to listen better to field commands. The proper technique, pioneered by LBJ himself, involves picking the dog up by the ears and swinging it around to get your point across.

In 1984 historians searching through

PHOTO COURTESY THE BETTMANN ARCHIVE (They were real courteous after we coughed up $125.)

LBJ Archives Reveal Radical New Dog Training Technique President Lyndon Johnson demonstrates his radical dog training technique to a visiting delegation of Bulgarian outdoor writers in 1964.

the LBJ Library in Big Johnson, Texas, uncovered the former President’s canine teaching manual next to a dusty copy of The Colonel’s Original Recipe.

Through the Freedom of Information Act (and a well-placed, crisp $50 bill) a group of investors from Austin obtained a copy of the manuscript and opened the LBJ School for Unruly Hunting Dogs shortly thereafter.

“He was a genius, actually,” said Bub-

ba Baker, company founder and president.

“Unbeknownst to most everyone, his daddy taught him to listen the same way.

That’s why his ears was so danged big. Little LBJ never listened to his daddy.”

And that’s a fact.

!

Flavor of the Month: Liver ‘N Onions 1 9 9 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 3

I S S U E

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

”All The News That Makes You Want To Vomit” •

P A G E 3

8/22/18 1:57 PM

FOUR COLOR

Cigarette Industry Denies T IRON LUNG, N.C.—Chester Field, general counsel for a tobacco industry trade group, issued a statement condemning charges that the smoking industry is selling its deadly product directly to children.

A number of organized groups have presented irrefutable evidence that major tobacco companies are indeed promoting the habit to youngsters.

“This is an obvious attack by the communists in the federal government against an industry comprised of a great many family-owned businesses, hard-working men and women,” said the statement, referring to the 1% of tobacco farms that are not run by corporations of greater than 50,000 employees.

Mr. Field vehemently denied any connection between alleged attempts to target young consumers and a recent campaign by the Salem Cigarette Company called, “Don’t Be A Sissy, Light One Up.” Just because the campaign was run almost exclusively in “Tiger Beat,” “Boy’s Life” and “Sesame Street” magazines, said Field, doesn’t mean that the campaign was intended to influence children to start smoking. He also said cigarette billboards using cuddly cartoon characters and headlines such as “Hey Kids!” were not directed at children.

“There’s not a shred of evidence that can’t be challenged in court by any competent $700-an-hour lawyer, that this campaign has encouraged a single youngster to enjoy the smooth, rich taste of fine tobacco... and look pretty ‘cool’ doing it,” said Field from his oxygen tent at The Bette Davis Emphysema Clinic in Palm Springs.

Field, who earns $125 million a year as general counsel for the pro smoking cartel, said he was going to file an anti-defamation lawsuit on behalf of the injured tobacco executives. He has put the group on the offensive, riding the recent wave of success enjoyed by Washington conservatives.

With popularity mounting for conservative rollbacks of “government interference” the loose cannons now in power are dismantling regulation of everything from air traffic control (“I say let airline pilots PAY for anti-collision warnings,”—Sen. Phil Gramm, R, Texas) to food and drug safety (“Hey, if Jack In The Box can get a good price on Bosnian hamburger, let ‘em,”—Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio cult leader), the cigarette industry is seizing the chance to regain ground lost in past anti-smoking crusades.

“Hey, we’re not evil, as our enemies would like you to think. We’re just looking out for the interest of fine Americans who work hard for their large sums of money. I just wish the American Government could be more progressive in its thinking—take France, for instance. There, kids have to take smoking lessons, starting in pre-school. I tell you, smoking is the coming thing. It’s the future. (hack-hack) It’s (cough-cough-gaaack) cool!”

“That’s just poppycock,” said Percy Quisinart, leader of the radical P A G E 4 •

anti-smoking group, the Asthmatic Panthers, “they’re handing out free samples at Disney World, for Pete’s Sake! And sponsorship of Women’s Tennis is one thing... but tell me where sponsoring The Little League World Series is headed,” he whined.

Quisinart also said the cigarette industry was making veiled threats to members of his organization. He’s been getting phone calls late at night from a sinister voice iden-

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

FOUR COLOR FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 4

New products such as the Joe Camel Lunchbox, Pall Mall Jr.s and Li’l Luckies have prompted charges from anti-smoking groups such as The Asthmatic Panthers that the industry is tempting children to start smoking. The industry flatly denies the charge, saying the ads simply target children who already smoke, and are only intended to encourage brand switching.

”We Track Down The Truth And Beat The Living Snot Out Of It” •

1 9 9 6

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM

FOUR COLOR

Targeting Children tifying itself simply as “Zippo,” inquiring as to the order in which Quisinart would prefer his major limbs be removed.

Quisinart’s group has had a tough time getting the American public’s attention. Their paltry $900-a-year budget is molecular in size compared to just one cigarette company’s monthly ad budget of $5,000,000,000,000. The math says it all: with the current rise in smoking, fueled by sexy ads and the the fact that virtually every attractive individual on TV, male or female, between the ages of 14 and 26 smokes 2 packs a day, cigarette sales have shot into the stratosphere. On the other side, after lost wages from second-handsmoke-induced sick days and the cost of insurance deductibles on hefty allergy doctor bills, members of the anti-smoking group barely have enough left over to pay basic living expenses, much less to contribute to a losing battle.

The resulting imbalance has allowed tobacco companies to enjoy a resurgence despite decades of sobering evidence that their products are both addictive and deadly. “Hell, if crack-cocaine had 1/10th our PR budget, you’d be seeing a crackpipe in the mouth of every ‘Must See TV’ character,” quipped one unidentified tobacco executive, shortly before being loaded into a cardiac-care unit ambulance.

In an effort to defend their case, top executives of the major tobacco companies recently appeared before congress. With the new conservative majority in power, and the fact that the executives have contributed a total of $52 billion to the campaigns of the conservative members, they received a warm welcome at the Capitol. No-smoking rules were suspended for the day, as each of the tobacco CEOs is obligated by clauses in their employment contracts to chain-smoke.

Newt Gingrich was hovering around the group, lighting their cigarettes, wiping out dirty ashtrays with his tie and making sure the tubes to their oxygen tanks did not get entangled with one-another. And Sen. Bob Dole replaced the ever-present ballpoint pen in his bad right hand with a lighted non-filter Pall Mall.

The executives were served softball questions by most of the cigarette-friendly committee members, led by Sen. Jesse Helms and 112-year-old Sen. Strom Thurmond, both of North Carolina, where it is illegal NOT to smoke.

Sen. Helms asked Kam L. Filters, president of Camel Cigarettes, “Now, when ya’ll came up wi’ that h’lareeus ca’toon charac-a-ture Joe Camel, ya’ll boys didn’t intentionally draw him so’s youngsta’s would wanna start smokin’ did ya’—at least not WHITE youngsta’s, anyway?”

To which Mr. Filters replied “I decline to answer that question on grounds that it may tend to incriminate me.”

Sen. Ted Kennedy, on whom the Asthmatic Panthers were counting to hold the cigarette executives’ feet to the fire, proved to be no threat to their case.

1 9 9 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 5

Although he began the day by firing tough questions at them, after the noon lunch recess (during which he joined The Tobacco Institute’s Chester Field at a capitol-area “gentlemen’s” club), he softened his position considerably, even at one point slurring to Sen. Barbara Boxer, “Oh shut up, Boxer... you obviously HAVEN’T Come a Long Way... Baby.”

When Percy Quisinart arrived to give opposing testimony (two hours late because he was arrested in Maryland for hitchhik-

I S S U E

•

ing) he met a very hostile reception. He ended up being charged with Contempt of Congress for disrupting the proceedings with an uncontrollable coughing fit after being overcome by the enormous clouds of exhaled cigarette smoke billowing from the tobacco executives’ table. He is currently serving a 10-year sentence in Leavenworth, Kansas.

Meanwhile, Congress passed an emergency funding bill to provide the tobacco industry $600 billion a year in farm

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

supports as well as money to be used for “educational purposes.” When critics asked how they could possibly find such a large sum in the face of balanced-budget pressures, Newt Gingrich assured them that the money could easily be diverted from the air-traffic control system, the FDA and other “marginal” budget items.

“Besides,” he said, “we also have all that dough in Social Security. I say use it now... it’s the only way 4-pack-a-day smokers are ever going to get any benefit from it anyway.”

President Clinton has said he will not veto the tobacco support bill as long as it retains the provision creating a tax of $1 per pack of cigarettes, to go into the Presidential Legal Defense Fund.

”News That Stays Fresh And Moist For Days” •

!

P A G E 5

FOUR COLOR

8/22/18 1:57 PM

HUNTIN’ & FISHIN’ FORECAST mus wrote a chilling account of the Nazi Third Reich, even including such details as Hitler’s stupid little moustache. In 1528, while completing a report on the Simmons contract for his boss, Mr. Flanders, he predicted the invention of Q-Tips.

Other predictions include the assasinations of both John and Robert Kennedy, as well as the August 26, 1993 bar tab of Senator Ted Kennedy.

He also foretold man’s landing on the moon, although he said the feat would be accomplished in the year 1824 using a catapult three miles long.

Now, historians at The Ted Turner Institute of Hi-er Learning have uncovered new writings of Nostradamus that contain amazing forecasts for best hunting and fishing times through the ages.

The writings, mailed from a West

The United States Navy and Blue Wave Boats ... ®

Protecting Our Coastal Waters from Enemy Attack and The Threat of A Rough, Wet Boat Ride

®

BLUE WAVE BOATS , PARKS MFG., INC. CHECOTAH, OK 74426 1-800-432-6768

P A G E 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 6

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

”Where The News Watch Never Sobers Up” •

SELF PORTRAIT BY NOSTRADAMUS

H

istory’s most prolific prognosticator, the great 16th century clairvoyant Nostradamus, has been credited with an uncanny string of accurate predictions over the centuries. In 1514, he wrote a 10th grade term paper in which he accurately described the American Civil War. In Junior College in 1518, while taking a sociology essay exam, Nostrada-

Paris Ramada Inn in 1564, arrived at the Turner Institute three weeks ago, with $752 million postage due. The writings had apparently been mailed Second-Class, but had languished in a New Jersey post office for several centuries because Nostradamus had failed to put a hyphen between “Second” and “Class” on the outside of the envelope. Post Master General Dan Quayle declined comment for this story.

Ike Turner, brother of the Institute’s founder and leader of the team of scholars studying the papers, says that they appear to be authentic, despite several entries in the original manuscript that appear to have been typed with an IBM Selectric, as well as liberal use of Liquid Paper®.

Excerpted from the amazing papers are the following forecasts: July-August, 1996—Good redfish and speckled trout action will occur in the lower coastal regions of the New World.

Anglers are forewarned however of the probability of firestorms from the skies and a hideous death in the jaws of giant sea monsters unleashed from their ocean-floor prisons by massive quakes of the earth.

September-October, 1996—The bassin’ will pick up along the New World’s eastern seaboard, but beware!—so will a deadly plague, which causes its victims to writhe in excruciating pain and their ears to fall off.

November-December, 1996— Expect a better than usual deer season all across the New World. That is, until a great famine wipes out three-fourths of the deer herd and a good many camouflage manufacturers.

January-February, 1997—The attention once again turns to freshwater angling, as a new world-record largemouth bass is caught in a region of the New World known as Lake Fork. Sadly, the trophy fish will become possessed by the spirit of Satan and will devour its captor, then terrorize the nearby metropolitan area for weeks.

March-April, 1997—Saltwater fishing will be slow in all coastal regions of the New World. But beware of the untrue promises of “hot action” put forth by false prophets who will call themselves “saltwater guides.”

May-June, 1997—All outdoor activity will come to a complete standstill, as all of the outdoors will cease to exist.

!

1 9 9 6

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM

UNABOMBER’S BASS FISHING SMITHEREENS, Mont.—Prior to the arrest several months ago of the fiendish mail bomb terrorist known as “The Unabomber,” The National Fish Rapper®, in an attempt to further appease the crazed thug, agreed to publish his rambling 350,000 word manifesto on bass fishing. The Fish Rapper® negotiated the publishing agreement with Unabomber’s agent, Lee Steinberg. Once published, the manefesto protects Fish Rapper® publisher Don “Goosebump” McPherson from being vaporized, at least through the 2nd quarter of 1997.

Even though he is now safely locked up in the utility closet of a Helena, Mont., Motel 6, the publishers of The National Fish Rapper® felt they had to honor the agreement. For one thing, no one is completely certain that the Feds have the real “Unabomber”—especially with “Unabomber” wannabee’s showing up across the country, thanks in part to a promotional tie-in campaign by Federal Express. For another, a deal’s a deal, and after paying the jerk a 6-figure advance, we’d be crazy not to exploit such a sensational publicity opportunity.

The Unabomber’s man-

ifesto-publishing blitz began in late-1995, when The Washington Post cowed under pressure from the Clinton Administration to publish his 35,000-word political manifesto, claiming that by publishing the killer’s essay, they would find it easier to catch him. In fact, the publication of the manifesto had nothing to do with his arrest. It was his detailed internal coding on Fed-Ex shipping labels, such as “Blowing Up the Past Due Accounts Lady at Cabella’s,” that finally got the attention of the FBI. Instead, the Post publication started a disturbing chain of events that have turned the crazed lunatic into one of the year’s hottest authors.

Hot on the tail of his Post manifesto, the Unabomber (or Uni, as he prefers to be called by the popular press) wrote a 650,000 word essay for GQ titled “Dressed to Kill... Thousands.”

He has since written articles for Soldier of Fortune and for Martha Stewart Living. He currently is writing a children’s pop-up book which promises to be “full of surprises for the kids.”

The Bass Fishing Manifesto is herewith prestented, in its entirety (except where edited):

OFFICIAL POLICE PHOTO (Wallet Size Prints, just $1.29)

MANIFESTO

Bassin’ Basics

by The Unabomber

I

f you want to find really big bass, here’s what you do: get a length of pipe, 2 inches in diameter, about 18 inches long. Seal one end with candle wax. Then put in 2 cups all purpose flour, 1/2 cup saltpeter, 1/2 cup sulphur, season to taste. Get about 12 inches of bare copper wire. Find a flash cube or flash strip from an old Instamatic camera and take out one of the individual bulbs. With a razor blade, carefully peel away the outer protective layer of plastic from the bulb, exposing the more fragile inner bulb. Attach the copper wire to the exposed terminals on the bottom of the bulb, then lower the bulb into the open end of the pipe. Seal the end with more candle wax. Then, shake the contents to immerse the bulb into the powdered mixture. NOT THAT HARD, YOU IDIOT, YOU WANT TO BLOW YOURSELF UP?!

Then connect the extending wire to a longer length of coated copper wire.

When you’ve found a spot that looks “bassy,” toss the pipe over the side of your boat, then just touch one end of the coated wire to a 12 volt battery. The blast should be sufficient to float stunned bass to the surface over about a 2-acre area. Hurry up and troll through the floating fish and with a net pull in the biggest trophy-size bass that you see.

Don’t worry about limits.

Hell, you’ve already committed enough felonies to do hard time, anyway. Just boat your fish and get the hell out of there.

I

f you want to win a big bass tournament, here’s what you do: Get the address of the hottest angler signed up for the tournament. You know the guy.

Smarty-pants who’s won the last three tournaments and won’t drop a hint on what he used or

where he found ‘em. Get another length of pipe, this time only 8 or 9 inches long. Prepare it just like the fishing device described above.

But instead of simply rigging it to a battery, you have to rig up a trip device. This is real simple. Take a small mouse trap and duct-tape it to the outside of the pipe. Glue one end of your bare copper wire to the base of the mousetrap, so the “kill bar” will strike it when the trap is sprung. Then connect a small 9-volt battery, to the kill bar, using the battery receptacle head out of any small appliance (radio, TV-remote, etc.). Put the entire assembly in a Fed Ex box and set the mousetrap so it is held open by the pressure of the box lid. Address it to Mister Smarty-Pants-Thinks-He’s-TheNext-Rick-Clunn and ship it out.

Competition eliminated.

!

Great New Flavor: Nacho Cheese 1 9 9 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 7

I S S U E

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

”News Coverage That Pulls A Muscle” •

P A G E 7

8/22/18 1:57 PM

FOUR COLOR

UNRETOUCHED FISH RAPPER PHOTO (honest!)

Flesh-Eating Bacteria Stalks Pro Bass Trail LAKE PESTILENCE, Ala.—The 10th Annual Bass-A-Mageddon Quadruple Elimination Tournament was marred by a sudden outbreak of the dreaded Flesh-Eating Bacteria that has plagued the front pages of sleazy tabloids for several years.

Pro Angler Preston Stooges was the first victim of the insidious bacteria, which attack without warning. Consuming flesh at an alarming rate, they emit a loud grinding sound not unlike that of a Waring® blender pulverizing a large ham bone.

Survivors have also reported hearing the distinct sound of high-pitched maniacal laughter under the din of the terrible grinding.

As Stooges reached into his livewell to retrieve what he assumed would be the tourney-winning largemouth, he was horrified when he pulled out a half-finished bass carcass. Before he could let go of the fish, a renegade band of bacteria jumped off of its bony tail and went for his ankle. In front of a crowd of screaming bass fans, Stooges was gnawed into the ground, in a spectacle reminiscent of the “I’m melting... melting” scene from The Wizard of Oz. All that was left when tournament officials examined the site was a gold tooth and the tattered remnants of a “Throwaway Rods” logo cap. They immediately Pro angler Preston Stooges attempts to wade to safety from Flesh Eating Bacteria which devoured his trophy bass, and moments later, him.

disqualified Stooges from the tournament siting the rule that, while there’s nothing wrong with killing the bass, at least 2 deep-fryable fillets must remain of the fish for it to qualify.

They awarded first place to runner-up Doak Stalker, who was protected from the flesh-eating bacteria by two factors: One, his .002-ounce fish was too small for the bacteria to get a good grip on; and, Two, the 800 sponsor logos he wore formed an impenetrable shell that kept the bacteria from touching his skin.

This apparently angered the germs, which moved on into town, gobbling up house pets, street people, cable installers and any other biology in their path.

They holed up in an abandoned warehouse for three days, hitting the streets at night and preying on unfortunate pedestrians and Korean-owned liquor stores.

Fortunately, the bacteria mutated into a non-lethal strain that merely causes a few temporary symptoms, including uncontrollable outbursts of yodeling.

The Centers for Disease Control and 24-Hour Pharmacy in Atlanta has issued a statement warning of possible future outbreaks of various strains of flesh-eating bacteria along the East Coast. They cautioned the public to lock their doors and to not accept any suspicious collect phone calls.

They also advised citizens of Maryland to avoid contact with anyone named “Lefty.”

!

Madonna Sued by Admirer injured by flying nose ring in sneezing incident

PIERCING SHRIEK, Calif.— Madonna, the pop recording artist best known for her volunteer work with underprivilaged sexual deviants, has been sued in superior court by a man claiming

P A G E 8 •

to have been injured by her nose ring.

According to papers filed by his attorney, a man named Larry Mowen-Curly was eating lunch at “Ebola Bob’s Steakhouse and All-You-Can-HoldDown Salad Bar” on the afternoon of August 15, 1995, when he noticed Madonna making her way through the restaurant’s massive salad bar.

A huge fan of the singer-actress-human-pincushion, he immediately jumped up and ran toward her to get her autograph on a leaf of lettuce.

In his enthusiasm, he grabbed the entertainer around the throat and began shaking her uncontrollably, slamming her head against a large ice sculpture

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

FOUR COLOR FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 8

OUCH!

!

AACHOOO

This snappy graphic illustrates the sneezing incident in which Madonna’s nose ring injured hapless salad bar diner Larry Mowen-Curly.

”All The News, In 3 Easy Payments” •

1 9 9 6

of Merv Griffin. Breaking free, Madonna tried to escape from the deranged fan, but tripped and fell face-down in a bowl of kumquat hearts, to which she is highly allergic.

She immediately went into a sneezing fit. As she sneezed violently, the trademark nosering she wears popped out under pressure. It ricocheted off the salad bar’s snot-screen and struck Mowen-Curly, putting out his right eye (see nifty USA Todaystyle graphic at left).

The hapless diner stumbled across the room, his eye hanging from the socket, disgusting a line of senior citizens who were waiting for the 3 p.m. supper special.

By the time authorities arrived, Madonna had been

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM

ROSWELL, N.M.—Fish Rapper® readers were stunned last year to learn that legendary bass pro Rick Clunn may in fact be an alien from outer space. Now, new evidence unearthed by Rapper reporters proves that the stunning allegation is undeniably true.

The story first surfaced when close-up telephoto shots from the Hubbel Telescope revealed the face of a human being covering a 300-square mile area of the planet Jerkbait, in the ASA (formerly AFTMA) galaxy. Now, more recent shots have been procured by Rapper staffers which, after computer enhancement, leave no doubt that the alien landmark is indeed a carefully crafted rendition of the veteran Pro Basser’s face.

“What really has us worried is that Clunn may have brought along a bunch of other Martian fishermen,” says one insider, a NASA shuttle technician who is studying the effects of weightless environments on live waterdogs. “If that’s the case, then those fellows you see fishing every Saturday morning on TNN may be here on a mission to turn watchers of television fishing shows into tackle--crazy couch potatoes!”

By the time Clunn had won his third world championship of bass fishing, speculation as to the source of his incredible fishing skills was rampant. The former computer expert denied all knowledge of any alien invasion, and simply shrugged his shoulders when asked why he was able to kinetically move his fishing lures around bottom structure by merely furrowing his forehead.

“Used to be I thought that Rick was just real tense all the time,” reports a former tournament pro who traveled extensively with Clunn. “Then I came to realize that he’s not worried; he’s just steering his

lures around with that special power of his.”

Clunn’s affiliation with Astro Boats, he adds, was no mere coincidence. “There were nights he’d close himself up in a boat storage area with a dozen or more highly-placed bass pros and spend the whole night messing with electronics and chanting with his buddies. I thought about going in there and checking it out one night, but once I realized that I couldn’t get past their invisible force field I gave it up and went

back to playing poker.”

Even more astonishing, the source reports seeing Clunn use his boat as an aircraft as well. “The danged thing flies,” he comments. “I seen it. I was there. Shoot, I’d win all the time too, if I could fly all over the lake like he does.”

“Clunn’s trolling motor is actually an anti-gravity generator built by aliens,” says the NASA source. “It’s powered by exide nautilus di-lithium crystal deep-cycle batteries and could conceivably carry Clunn

all over the galaxy on a single charge. With a rig like that, capable of speeds up to warp factor five, no other tournament fisherman stands a chance.”

NASA PHOTO LAB & GIFT SHOP

PHOTO PROVES TOP BASS PRO IS AN ALIEN

!

y Fan

whisked away by her bodyguard, former boxer Gerry Cooney, and Mowen-Curly was writhing in the parking lot. A riot had broken out, as rowdy senior citizens stormed the buffet line, protesting the meager portions offered on the “Senior Menu” specials.

Mowen-Curly’s attorney, Boyd Whereprohibited, brought suit against Madonna for $60 million in lost wages due to the loss of the eye, and $1 billion in punitive damages.

However, during a pre-trial hearing, Judge Lance Ito threw the case out after he caught Larry Mowen-Curly lifting his eyepatch and winking at a voluptuous court reporter.

!

1 9 9 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 9

I S S U E

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

”Made With Only The Finest Materials... No Particle Board” •

P A G E 9

8/22/18 1:57 PM

12-Point Buck Finishes in the Money at the Preakness “...it’s Pretty Boy in the lead by a length. What’s My Sex is second, ahead of Gasoline Mouthwash in third and Your Mother’s Insoles in fourth. Bringing up the rear is Heart Attack, trailing the field by 37 lengths.

“Now, rounding the clubhouse turn...

Pretty Boy leads by two lengths. What’s My Sex still in second... but Your Mother’s Insoles has taken third place, passing Gasoline Mouthwash on the outside...

Heart Attack is still last, now trailing by 42 lengths.

“Burrito Revenge now starts pulling ahead of the middle field, moving up the rail to the inside. Burrito Revenge passes Gasoline Mouthwash, taking fourth place and moves up on Your Mother’s Insoles.

What’s My Sex, in second place, now moves over to cut off Burrito Revenge, who has passed Your Mother’s Insoles on the inside rail.

“Burrito Revenge jockey Flemming Crim has now produced a lasso from under his racing jersey and is whirling it above his head as he moves up on What’s My Sex. What’s My Sex tries to pull ahead but it is too late. Flemming Crim has already thrown the lasso, jerking What’s My Sex jockey Ahmahd Muhammad Jackson out of his saddle and hurling him into the bleachers. He lands in the lap of an overweight tourist from San Diego, who begins beating him about the face and head for apparently destroying a Chicago Style chili dog.

“Several onlookers are drawn into the melee by a sudden rash of obscenities from the controversial Jackson. They have removed all of his clothes and are hand-passing him up the grandstand to be dropped over the side to the parking lot 6 stories below.

“Meanwhile, back on the track, the rope which is still attached to Ahmahd Muhammad Jackson has tightened, yanking Flemming Crim from the saddle of Burrito Revenge, who has taken the lead by giving Pretty Boy the wrong directions.

Flemming Crim has fallen into the path of the rest of the field, led by the riderless What’s My Sex, who is unable to stop. Crim is trampled to death beneath the hooves of What’s My Sex. But before dying, he sticks out his foot, tripping Your Mother’s Insoles and starting a chain reaction of horses and riders falling over the ever-increasing pile of bodies until there is not a single horse left running.

“But, wait! Here comes Heart Attack, now 85 lengths behind the rest of the field.

P A G E 1 0

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 10

•

Veteran jockey Shorty Fuse rides his whitetail mount, Steroid Bambi to a money finish in Saturday’s Preakness. The whitetail buck was able to make such a fine showing, thanks to a major horseflesh pile-up at the clubhouse turn.

Heart Attack jockey Cleveland Swerve now sees the motionless heap of horses and riders laying in the middle of the track ahead of him. Sensing a sure victory, he has now slowed Heart Attack’s pace to conserve energy.

“Rounding into the home stretch, at a leisurely trot, Swerve now brings Heart Attack to a dead stop. Cleveland Swerve, known in racing circles for his reputation as a cocksure show-off, dismounts and walks over to the rail where he leans back and lights up a foot-long cigar. Heart Attack is nibbling grass along the edge of the track, while jockey Swerve is thumbing through this month’s issue of ‘Short Guy’ magazine. He now casually remounts Heart Attack and begins slowly ambling toward the finish line.

“From the pile of horses, we see a little motion, as Hair Sandwich and his jockey, Bruce Kilamanjaro, begin to regain consciousness. Kilamanjaro staggers to his feet and yanks a hair from his still-groggy horse’s nostril, bringing Hair Sandwich

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

instantly to his feet. Kilamanjaro slowly mounts Hair Sandwich and the horse begins to limp toward the finish line, swaying as he zigzags across the track.

“Meanwhile, Cleveland Swerve, atop the lethargic Heart Attack, has moved to the outside rail where he is shaking hands with spectators and signing autographs, confident that this race is in the bag. Suddenly he hears a noise as the staggering Hair Sandwich has collided with the outside bleachers and ricocheted back onto the track, where he is stumbling toward the finish line. Heart Attack assumes a full gallop in an effort to overtake Hair Sandwich. But Heart Attack, breathing heavily and emitting a foul odor, suddenly freezes in his tracks, as a massive coronary ends his aspirations of a career as a field stud.

Cleveland Swerve is flung forward, crashing head first into the tote board and wiping out the odds tote for Upsen Downs in Albuquerque.

“Hair Sandwich moves closer to the finish line and sure victory... But Wait!

SATELITE PHOTO

HIEMLICHMANEUVER DOWNS, Calif.—A 12-point whitetail buck stunned racing handicappers by coming out of nowhere to win the Preakness last week.

Let’s pick up the actual transcript of track announcer Garner Fumes as he calls the startling race:

Jockey Shorty Fuse riding the only whitetail buck in the field, Steroid Bambi, has re-mounted and bolted from the heap of horseflesh. Like a streak, Steroid Bambi is moving up on the staggering Hair Sandwich. They’re now neck and neck with twenty yards to go. They’re both maintaining pace. They’re at the finish line... and IT’S A PHOTO FINISH! “Ladies and gentlemen, the photo results are in and show that Hair Sandwich and Steroid Bambi are in a perfect tie.

If you will notice the small print on the back of your betting slip, under these circumstances, the track only pays off bets in garbanzo bean futures. You may collect at window No. 7. We hope you have enjoyed this afternoon of racing and hope you will return to beautiful Tumbling Downs.

This has been Garner Fumes, your track announcer. Good afternoon.”

”We Cover The News Like Pete Rose Covers A Bet” •

!

1 9 9 6

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM

Bob Dole Assaults Pat Buchanan *

LUDICROUS HEIGHTS, Va.—Republican presidential nominee Bob Dole went berserk at a Capitol area fund-raising dinner and attacked his key rival Pat Buchanan, putting out an eye with that fountain pen he carries in his bad right hand.

Dole was just beginning a speech at the $350,000-a-plate (all you can eat) dinner, when Buchanan began heckling him unmercifully from his seat in the front row. Buchanan had bought out an entire table by tapping the huge surplus of funds left over from his campaign. He invited as his guests 30 regulars of the Mission of Mogen David shelter in nearby Baltimore. He also treated them to their own beverages, BYOB bags of MD 20-20. By the time Dole began his speech, the homeless derelicts were cranked up to a full high, acting as a raucous laugh-track to Buchanan’s heckling monologue.

Buchanan started in by making fun of Dole’s age. “Hey, what was it like before they invented radio, old man? Ha-ha-ha!”

Then he started making fun

of Dole’s WWII injuries. “Hey, gimpy, do some push-ups for us!

What’s the matter, can’t find anybody to hold your pen? Ha-haha.”

Dole, though visibly perturbed at the rogue-republican’s taunting, maintained his composure until Buchanan started talking about Dole’s wife. At that point, the nominee finally went ballistic.

Buchanan started making goofy eye gestures to Mrs. Dole, who’s not a bad-looking babe for a candidate’s wife. Then he said, “Hey, Elizabeth, anytime you get tired of that old bag of sawdust, come on over and let a REAL conservative show you how it works.”

When he heard this comment, Dole jumped over the podium, crashing the TelePrompTer® into Sam Donaldson’s head and causing the veteran newsman’s toupee to sail across the room, where it was sucked into the air-conditioning system, causing a overload that knocked out power in six Eastern Seaboard states.

Dole grabbed Buchanan by his Rush Limbaugh® designer tie

PHOTO BY F. ZAPRUDER

Puts out eye with that pen he always holds in his bad hand

This exclusive Fish Rapper® photo shows Bob Dole attacking his chief rival and irritant, Pat Buchanan, with his weapon of choice—a 19¢ Bic pen.

with his good arm and yanked him out of his seat. When Buchanan broke an empty MD 20-20 bottle and began to wave it menacingly at the Republican nominee, Dole reacted in a flash, stabbing Buchanan in the eye with his Bic pen (with whom Dole has an exclusive endorsement deal).

As an eyewitness recount-

ed, “It was clear that Bob Dole had had just about enough. Bob Dole’s obviously not the kind of guy that takes that crap from anybody, especially a nasty-mouthed quitter like Pat Buchanan. Bob Dole could see that he was upsetting the crowd, so Bob Dole jumped off that stage attacked his enemy with cat-like agility and lightning speed. Bob Dole sure

taught Pat Buchanan a thing or two. Let’s see him run his mouth off now, with one less good eye, thanks to Bob Dole.” It turned out that the eyewitness was Dole himself, who has an annoying habit of referring to himself in the third person.

!

New Topping: Vienna Sausage 1 9 9 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 11

I S S U E

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

”News That Makes Your Eyes Burn” •

P A G E 1 1

8/22/18 1:57 PM

FOUR COLOR

T.V. LOG THURSDAY 4:30 AM (ESPN) FISHIN’ WITH JIMMY HOUSTON (Fishing Show)—Jimmy and his trusty sidekick Pancho head off to Lake Amistad for some trophy catfish action. But before they can locate the fish, they are taken hostage by a band of Panamanian drug runners trying to slip into the U.S. with a shipment of pure, uncut Dexatrim. Jimmy manages to escape by gnawing off his 30-pound-test Spiderwire bindings and slips away in the night, leaving Pancho to be tortured to death by the Dexatrim-crazed outlaws.

6:00 AM (CH 24) LEAVE IT TO BEAVER (Rerun) Trouble brews when Miss Landers wears a low-cut dress to the Cleaver house for dinner and Ward enjoys one too many Old Fashions. (R)

(NBC) THE TODAY SHOW (News, Live)— Bryant Gumbel finally has enough of Willard Scott. While the rotund, balding weatherman is exploiting the birthday of yet another pathetic 109-year-old breathing cadaver, Gumble begins heckling him from off camera, taunting him with “jello-butt,” “formica-head,” “Ed-McMahon-wannabee” and other demeaning names. Scott reacts by running off camera and throwing his bulk on top of the 5-foot-2-inch Gumble, breaking several hundred bones.

The large weatherman then scoops up the now-pliable host and slings him against the large plateglass window that passersby use to look in on Today show proceedings from the sidewalk outside. The horrified audience gasps as Gumbel splatters against the glass, unable to break it in his bag-of-wet-laundry state. He sticks momentarily to the surface of the glass, then begins to slowly slide down it like a raw egg. Scott is attacked by Katie Couric, Gumble’s on-camera confidant, who smashes him on the head with a copy of Rush Limbaugh’s new book, “Buy This Book Because I Said To.” The 980-page volume causes a massive concussion and leaves Scott thinking he is Gertrude Flintz, age 113 of Ivy Rash, Conn.

PHOTO COUTESY KODAK (proud sponsor of The Texas Angler)

7:00 AM

Keith Warren joins the cast of the insanely popular sit-com FRIENDS. The insanely popular TV fishing show host plays Zeke, the newest neighbor of the twenty-something layabouts who pops in unexpectedly from time to time to plug his own sponsors. new muppets to the show: Foamer, The Rabid Racoon; Scabs The Mangy Cur; Ritzo The Bubonic Rat; and Cramps, The Unruly Female Hormone.

8:00 AM

10:30 AM

(PBS) SESAME STREET (Children)—Big Bird and Kermit The Frog welcome several cuddly

(NBC) DAYS OF OUR HIVES (Daytime Drama)—Snake accuses Raven of having an

First TV Fishing Show Mini-Series Premiers on FOX

A

aron Spelling presents the world’s First TV Fishing Show Mini-Series: “Montgomery!” the story of four rival fishing celebrities who join forces to thwart the evil takeover of fishing by billionaire tycoon Abu Gonzales (played by Marlon Brando).

The $60 Million production was filmed on location in Bangladesh, which was transformed into a suitable stand-in for world fishing capital Montgomery, Ala. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola, it is the most expensive TV mini-series ever produced, surpassing last year’s reunion special for “Designing Bill Dance, Women,” which went over budget Played by Jack Nicholson

P A G E 12

•

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 12

due to the fabric costs for Delta Burke’s wardrobe.

“Montgomery!” promises to be one of the season’s most exciting shows, climaxing with a high-speed boat chase inside the weigh-in area at the Bassmaster’s Classic.

The all-star cast includes: Jack Nicholson as the hard-driving veteran Bill Dance; Jeff “You Might Be A Redneck If You Think I’m Funny” Foxworthy as Southern-charmer Hank Parker; Charlton Heston as the Chosen One, Roland Martin; and Homer Simpson as Alan Warren. ¢

11:00 AM (CBS) The Yawn and the Restless (Daytime Drama)—Thud accuses Zebra of having an affair with Stench. Meanwhile, Bayonett tries to blackmail Torque into marrying her by threatening to publish photos of him wearing nothing but eyeshadow and a pair of clown shoes.

Swagger gets a threatening phone call from the mysterious Prof. Swill. Karaoke, burned to death in a fiery head-on collision six months ago, has a miraculous recovery, thanks to an experimental new treatment and the incessant nagging of the show sponsor’s wife, who is very fond of the character.

11:30 AM (ABC) AVERAGE HOSPITAL (Daytime Drama)—Anus accuses Dyslexia of having an affair with Dr. Burton Phlegm. Meanwhile, Senility tries to blackmail Spleen into paying her son Femur’s tuition to hat blocking school, by threatening to hem his trousers 3 inches above his ankles. Malaria gets threatening e-mail from Nurse Colostomy. Marty Malin makes a special guest appearance as Kindly Old Dr. “Pappy” Smear.

9:00 PM (NBC) ER (Drama)—Carter, the D-average intern, tries to perform brain surgery on former Chicago Bears head coach Mike Ditka. The operation fails disasterously, and Ditka ends up in a highly psychotic state, leaving him with little choice but to return to coaching.

FRIDAY 3:30 AM

Hank Parker, Played by Jeff Foxworthy

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

FOUR COLOR

affair with industrialist-adventurer Bolt Rambler. Meanwhile, Jagger tries to blackmail Dash into turning over his share of The Ointment Club for Men by threatening to expose his Campfire Girl obsession. Damon gets a threatening letter from the mysterious Mr. Laslo. Scissor’s evil twin Rock shows up with a claim on the family Paper Clip Foundry.

Alan Warren, Played by Homer Simpson

(PRIME) HONEY HOLE (Fishing Show)— Host Jerry Dean goes after largemouth bass on Lake Jethro, in the Arkansas hills. He and

”Just What America Needs... More Sophomoric Sarcasm” •

1 9 9 6

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM

FOUR COLOR guide Dave Gotme are set upon by a group of inbred hillbillies. Before the clan is able to tie Jerry Dean up and remove “them shiny fillin’s from yore perty teeth,” he grabs a buck hillbilly by his long, scraggly beard and begins swinging him over his head like a lasso. Using the squealing hillbilly as a huge num-chuk, he then mows down the other eight hillbillies and gets away. Dave Gotme succumbs to “Hostage Syndrome” and marries one of the Hillbillies.

1:00 PM (ABC) ONE LIFE TO WASTE (Daytime Drama)—Sport accuses Rotary of having an affair with Shrapnel. Meanwhile, Swank tries to blackmail Mrs. Zanzabar for $1 million by threatening to run a Garage Sale ad with her address listed. Birchbark gets a threatening telegram from Dagger. Toast, lost in the Amazon suburbs and presumed dead for the last 2 years while the actor who plays him pursued a prime time career in the failed detective series The Blockhead Files, is found alive and well, doing the books for a tribe of cannibals.

12:30 PM (ABC) AS THE WORLD TURNS SOUR (Daytime Drama)—Flake accuses Spatula of having an affair with Senator Dodge Cordova. Meanwhile, Edifice tries to blackmail the Cashcow family into renting him a room by threatening to hand out flyers exposing their involvement in the Save The Spotted Tick movement. Spank gets a threatening satellite transmission from The Osmond Brothers. Dolt, whose cropdusting plane went down in Manhattan rush hour traffic 9 months ago, during hostile contract negotiations with the network, suddenly resurfaces with a new identity—that of Scag Loafer, evil twin of Aunt Bee from the Andy Griffith Show.

1:00 PM (ABC) ALL MY PUNK KIDS (Daytime Drama)—Blade accuses Tepid of having an affair with Scorch. Blather tries to blackmail Rank into loaning her his Volvo for the weekend by threatening to broadcast his taped confession to the Lassie murder. Bosco gets a threatening Fed Ex delivery from Agent Simpleton of the CIA. Tweety insists that there’s nothing going on between her and Daffy, but Bugs doesn’t buy it.

4:30 PM (CH 56) HARD COPY (Tabloid TV)—”When Team Mascots Go Bad.” Featuring the sad tale of the San Diego Chicken, arrested in Santa Monica after a string of liquor store robberies.

Also profiled is two-time loser “Hollow Point” The Washington Bullet. Authorities fear a trend is developing.

(FOX) MELROSE PLACE (Drama)—A Very Special Episode in which Amanda, realizing that she can no longer live her life as a back-stabbing, greedy shrew, quits her job as president of the ad agency and becomes a volunteer teacher’s aid at a Burbank junior high. By the second day, she has manipulated the principal into getting fired and taken his job, has had tawdry affairs with the b-team basketball coach and the shop teacher, and has set up an illegal numbers racket in the remedial math department.

7:30 PM (HBO) BLOOD STOOL (Movie)—Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. Proctologist gets caught up in an illegal kickboxing tournament in Singapore.

8:00 PM (FOX) THE X-FILES (Science Fiction)—Scully and Mulder (or is it Mulder and Scully?) investigate a bizarre culture along the Texas coast that dupes unsuspecting victims into paying them hundreds of dollars to be taken

out into choppy seas, forced to listen to hours of self-agrandizing fictional tales, and brought back to shore, empty-handed, where they are forced to listen to endless excuses as to why the fish did not bite, none of which is the fault of their host. Scully interprets the phenomenom as evidence of impending doom for human civilization as we know it.

8:30 PM (UPN) SAVANNAH (Drama)—A Very Special Episode that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that this dud is the lamest show on TV. 9:00 PM (HBO) BLOOD BAIT (Movie)—Starring JeanClaude Van Damme. Catfishing guide gets caught up in an illegal kickboxing tournament in Singapore.

9:30 PM (CH 92) CHEERS (Sit-Com, Rerun)—Sam gets busted for accepting a fake ID from a 6-year-old. Cliff and Norm get into a friendly competition for the same donor liver.

Token-idiot Woody mistakes C-4 explosive for margarita mix and the resulting blast kills 400 and shatters every window in Boston’s 70-story Hancock Building.

9:30 PM (DISC) DISCOVERY (Science)—”How Fishing Tackle Is Made” (see program description for “Golf” above).

10:00 PM (TBS) MISSION IMPOSSIBLE (Rerun)—The IMF force is assigned to publish an outdoor magazine and keep every advertiser happy by positioning all ads within the first 25 pages.

They fail miserably, and are “disavowed.”

11:00 PM (HBO) BLOOD STAIN (Movie)—Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. O.J. Trial juror gets caught up in an illegal kickboxing tournament in Singapore.

!

A.C. PLUG

THE LURE THAT DOES THE HEAVY LIFTING

6:30 PM (TNT) BONANZA (Western, Rerun)—Adam Cartwright (Hoss & Little Joe’s big brother) goes too far in his unrelenting criticism of Hopsing’s oriental cooking. The Chinese cook and ju-jitzu master grabs him by the nose with a pair of chop sticks and hurls him out an open window. One of his spurs sticks into the side of the buckboard as it heads into town at a full gallop, whereupon he is dragged to his death. He moves on to star in Trapper John, M.D. for seven mediocre seasons.

7:00 PM (FOX) PARTY OF FIVE (Drama)—In A Very Special Episode, tragedy strikes when a bad order of clams reduces the cast to a Party of Two. 8:00 PM (CBS) MURPHY BROWN (Sit-Com)—Dan Quayle guest stars as Jimmy, the college intern who develops a crush on Murphy, until he discovers that she is really 63 years old and chain-smokes like a Frenchman.

Fred Arbogast...The Lure of Big Fish

SUNDAY 11:00 AM (ESPN) GOLF (Sports)—Nine straight hours of gum-receeding boredom, as two muffle-voiced twits describe a game that is so ploddingly slow, viewers routinely switch back and forth to the Paint Drying Channel to regain a sense of pace.

7:00 PM

1 9 9 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 13

I S S U E

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

Fred Arbogast Company 313 W. North Street Akron, Ohio 44303 1-800-252-LURE ”News That Won’t Borrow 20 Bucks, Then Refuse To Take Your Calls” •

P A G E 13

FOUR COLOR

8/22/18 1:57 PM

TAKE A FISHING TRIP ON THE WILD SIDE WITH

DENNIS RODMAN’S PSYCHIC FRIENDS FISHING HOTLINE away? Ever thought of calling a psychic, but were either too afraid or too intelligent to try? Never again.

Introducing Dennis Rodman’s Psychic Friends Fishing Hotline, a warm and wonderful place where you can discuss the

PHOTO BY MR. VINCENT’S GLAMOUR SHOTS

N

eed a friend? Tired of not catching fish? Got money to burn? Can’t get that pesky cut bait smell to go

Psychic Friend Dennis Rodman shows off his latest body piercing stunt.

NOW THAT’S A SHALLOW-WATER BOAT! Since 1947

latest in-depth lake and bay reports, decide your hair color, discover productive lure patterns and retrieves, decide your gender or get a sure-fire prediction on that tournament-winning honey hole.

Receive spiritual answers and hot phone sex from authentic psychics. Let Dennis and friends use their remarkable mental gifts to help you reap untold rewards. Stringers full of trophy fish, limos full of nubile young natives, winning the BassMasters Classic or scoring with Madonna. You name it. It’s yours.

Our highly trained psychics are all accomplished students of Master Psychic Deion Sanders-Warwick, legendary singer, supernatural seer and superlative Super Bowl running back. “After the pittance the NFL gave me, Dennis Rodman’s Psychic Friends Fishing Hotline has made a truly incredible change in my life,” says Sanders-Warwick. “I can’t tell you how completely rewarding and enriching this experience is for me.

“Admit it. You need to talk to me.

And I need to talk to you, too. We need to talk, and right now, dammit! For a long time, too, you hear me? You and I, we got a lot to discuss. You know what I’m sayin’, fool? You pick up that phone or I’ll come over there and make you look like you been sortin’ cats all day. Hey, I’m talkin’ to you, chump!”

Call now (1-900-YOU-FOOL) for a free sample reading. (First 10 seconds free, $1 per second thereafter. Must be 18 years or older, or at least sound like it. Have your uncle call for you.)

!

Kenner Manufacturing Co., Inc., Knoxville, Arkansas 72845, (501) 885-3171

P A G E 1 4

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 14

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

”News That Will Pay You Back Next Thursday, Honest” •

1 9 9 6

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM

PALESTINE, Texas - A heavily-armed contingency of bass fishing fundamentalists has claimed as its own the west bank of Lake Palestine in North Central Texas.

According to Ayatollah Jim Job Jihad, chief seer and weighmaster for the radical Lake Palestine Liberation Organization (LPLO), the so-called “Freednecks” intend to establish the brushtop-studded and heavily-vegetated area of the 25,560-acre lake as a soveriegn state. Furthermore, they demand the immediate release of all largemouth bass fingerlings currently in captivity at the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department’s Athens hatchery facility in East Texas.

“We want those prisoners brought over here to be turned loose on the west shoreline,” Jihad comments. “We’ll take good care of the little critters.

Cousin Bud owns a real nice fish camp on the west bank, and we all agree that one damn boat ramp is all we need around here, anyhow.

Those bass shouldn’t be bothered by no one but us, and that’ll only be on Saturdays when we have our weekly draw tournaments or maybe on Memorial Day for the annual couples tourney. Unless we need some fillets. You got a problem with that?”

Jihad and comrades threaten to gun down any uninvited anglers who approach the lake’s western shore, and say that well-

ISRAELI INTELLIGENCE PHOTO

Militant Bassers Occupy Lake Palestine’s West Bank

Yessir Whatabass, Secretary-Treasurer of the militant Lake Palestine Liberation Organization holds up a nice bass he poached from the lake and deep fried over a campfire of dried Yak chips.

known companies from within the outdoor industry have quietly contributed to the terrorist organization’s cause. “We’re talkin’ some big players here,” he commented. “Heck, just off the top of my head I can name Bass Assassin, Bomber, Strike King, Heddon (developer and worldwide distributor of the feared “Tiny Torpedo”) and Uncle Earl’s Deep Woods Distillery.”

Following the unintentional tip, The National Fish Rapper® investigative team discovered that

Jihad’s Uncle Earl Saddam Hotdamm produces bootleg whiskey from a shack located behind Cousin Bud’s Bass Emporium, Marina and Social Club on Palestine’s cordoned-off and heavily mined west bank. “Great stuff,” commented an anonymous but well-placed source within the Freednecks’ lakeside compound.

“Makes a great livewell cleaner and gives them little shiners a real erratic action to boot. It’s a wonderful attitude adjuster, too.

Ain’t nobody in his right mind

who’d screw with you while you were drinking Uncle Earl’s homemade shine.”

Enforcement personnel from the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department are reportedly teaming with an elite force from the highly conservative Palestine United Bassin’ Club (PUBS) to counter the terrorists’ threats and, ultimately, raid the Freednecks’ compound. “First of all, it ain’t like it’s their stinkin’ water,” said PBS spokesman Arnold “Cranky” Bates. “It’s ours.

“This has been comin’ for a good while,” Bates added. “We had fun over there before these crazies showed up. We’d spend time campin’, cookin’, castin’, pitchin’, chewin’, spittin’, talkin’, jokin’, drinkin’, pickin’, grinnin’ and thinkin’ up words that don’t need a “g” at the end of ‘em. Now there ain’t nuthin’ ahead but arguin’, aggravatin’, harrassin’, gripin’, nitpickin’, fumin’, fightin’ and fussin’. It’s disgustin’.”

LPLO Secretary of State and Club Treasurer Yessir Whatabass recently met with representatives of PBS and TPWD defense forces, but contends that no attempts at conciliation will be accepted until the hatchery fingerlings have been safely released into the waters behind Cousin Bud’s fish camp. “The political prisoners will be released from the unholy and unclean grasp of the state bureaucracy and turned loose in the free state of West Lake Palestine before we do so much as spit on the arbitrators,” he remarked.

“Those fish will some day be the making of the glorious Mother of All Bass Tournaments, a big-money payback tourney we have planned for the millenium celebration that’ll be headquartered out of Cousin Bud’s. Until then, the fish must remain in our protective custody.”

!

Topping of the Month: Spicy Hot Wings 1 9 9 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 15

I S S U E

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

”Delivering The News... In 20 Minutes, Or It’s Free!” •

P A G E 1 5

8/22/18 1:57 PM

FOUR COLOR

largemouth bass angler, for surely you will not long be of lucid mind and ye shall soon fall prey to all manner of devilish tackle merchants.” Upon closer examination of Trashe’s personal copy of the Bible (the Cliffs Notes translation), the passage did indeed read as he quoted. The fact that it appeared to have been written in red felt tip pen over White-Out® covering the original verse, raised some question as to the validity of his interpretation.

Nonetheless, the White Bass Supremacy movement is undeniably picking up momentum. Trashe pointed to growing resistance by bass clubs especially through-

ALLEGED PHOTO COURTESY, NATIONALPARKS SERVICE

LOWER LIFE, Ga.—A group advocating White Bass Supremacy has been gaining support in this otherwise peaceful and tolerant rural community. The N-Double-A-W-B (National Association for the Advancement of white bass), led by the outspoken Rev. Wyatt Trashe, is bent on dismantling reverse discrimination they see in “affirmative action” stocking programs for largemouth (black) bass and other “inferior” species.

“God favors the white bass,” said The Rev. Trashe, “it’s right there in the gospel.

Luke, Chapter 1, Verse 23: ‘And Jay-sus sayeth right then and there... be ye not a

PHOTO BY THE LATE PAUL R. ROID, PHOTOJOURNALIST

WHITE BASS SUPREMACY GROUPS ON THE RISE The Reverend Wyatt Trashe shows off his trophy white bass. When he was told the fish is actually a striped bass, he went into a rage and beat the photographer sensless with the fish.

out the south, to the introduction of Florida strain bass in their reservoirs.

“Just ‘cause they’s bigger and more ath-a-letic, he says of the larger bass, don’t take away from the fact that they’s inferior in every way to the white bass.”

Trashe claims a number of prominent supporters of his movement. On the wall behind his desk, Rev. Trashe has an autographed picture of Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott, along with the inscription, “To my great friend and Jewfish Baiter, Wyatt Trashe.”

He was recently called as a character witness in the trial of good friend and former Los Angeles policeman-turned-game warden, Mark Furman, who was charged with tampering with evidence to frame professional black bass angler Zell Rowland for the killing of a 19-pound fish in Louisi-

ana.

Wyatt Trashe and his followers have formed a splinter group which has declared itself unbound by U.S. game and fish laws.

Calling themelves “The Limit-Free-Men,” they refuse to carry fishing and hunting licenses and are now holed up in a dingy fishing shack outside White Settlement, Texas, living on take-out from White Castle®, drinking White Lightnin’®, and firing their White® muzzle-loaders at anything that moves.

So far, there has been no comment from The White House® on the incident, other than a statement that President Clinton likes all types of fish equally, as long as served deep-fried.

!

Black Bass leader Louis Faraminnkota stages Million-Man Bass Tournament in protest

Black Bass Leader Louis Faraminnkota’s Million-Man Bass Tournament in the Capitol reflecting pool drew fewer anglers than claimed in the official media kit. However, Audit Bureau of Circulation officials declined to penalize Faraminnkota, stating that the event audience was totally non-verifiable, much like that of a TV fishing show.

P A G E 1 6

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

FOUR COLOR FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 16

Black Bass leader Louis Faraminnkota staged a million-man bass tournament in front of the nation’s capitol to protest the rise of what he called “hate groups” that threaten the continued growth in popularity of largemouth—or “black”—bass fishing.

Groups such as the N-Double A-W-B (National Association for the Advancement of White Bass) are just plain Politically Incorrect, says Faraminnkota, a fishing guide on Texas’ Lake Teaspoon, the bass hotspot that recently produced twelve 30-pound-plus lunkers, products of experimental research incorporating Florida strain bass and gland tissue donated by actor Marlon Brando.

“They want to destroy the progress that’s been made in developing a harmo-

nious integration of largemouth bass with other species.”

Although the Washington D.C. tournament was billed as a “million-man” tournament, satellite photos obtained by the National Park Service indicated the actual angler count to be more like 2 dozen.

Faraminnkota was incensed at what he called a “biased” estimate by the National Park service. “That bunch of trotliners... they have their own agenda.

You can’t believe their numbers.

Count disputes notwithstanding, there were enough anglers involved to create the typical problems associated with fishing tournaments.

The one boat ramp at the Capitol reflecting pool was littered with empty

”If Newspapers Had Hormones, Here’s What PMS Would Look Like” •

1 9 9 6

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM

FOUR COLOR

The Fish Rapper Recipe Book SOUTH VIETNAMESE HARDHEAD

GALVESTON SLICK SEATROUT

So when the next Exxon tander breaks up inside Galveston Bay, here’s a recipe that is sure to please.

This wonderful recipe for the underutilized hardhead catfish comes from Mr. and Mrs. Lu Dok Tak of Rollover Pass, Texas. Most fishermen just bash this tasty saltwater species in the head with a hammer and chuck it overboard.

But the Dok Tak family has found a way to prepare this fish in a way that should make even the most discerning outdoor diner’s mouth water.

Several enterprising guides from Baytown submitted this recipe for oil slick seatrout, following the minor oil spill inside the Houston Ship Channel. “We can put ‘em on limits, even if we have to pick up a few floaters,” emphasized Mickey Rhodes, (full-day trips for $200, 713/463-7620) one of the top speckled trout guides in Southeast Texas. “And heck, the fish don’t even taste that bad.

Besides, I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”

10-pound trout, filleted

2 lbs. bacon

2 quarts 10-W40

1 tbsp. curry

2 tbsp. diesel oil 2 medium turnips

1 pinch of oregano 2 cups water

1 cup mushrooms

4 lbs. hardheads 1 cup vinegar

1 cup sugar 4 tbsp. rock salt

4 cups Gulf water 1 med. onion, sliced thin

4 cups Mad Dog 20-20

Slice the fillets into 1/2 inch strips. In large stainless steel fish fryer, add 2 quarts

of Havoline 10-W40 and diesel oil. Heat oil to boiling.

In separate container, add spices to chopped and diced bacon, mushrooms and simmer over low heat. Use as a dip for fish.

Add fish strips to hot cooking oil.

Cook until strips are golden brown and tender. Take turnips and throw them at your neighbor’s house. For no apparent reason.

Mickey Rhodes likes to serve Galveston Slick Seatrout with fried armadillo and Longhorn hooves.

!

Place the ungutted hardheads inside a burlap bag and whack the nearest pier piling repeatedly with it. In rusty oil drum or empty plastic Roundup container, mix rock salt and Gulf water. Drop hardheads inside marinade and store for three days in backyard.

For this sauce, combine vinegar, sugar and Mad Dog 20-20. Bring to a boil and place in backyard next to fish.

When ingredients have matured to full ripeness, combine onions and layer in 3 x 5 x 9 sauce pan. Cook over an open fire, preferably on a windy day on the beach at Rollover Pass. Cook until hardheads sizzle. Pour sauce over fish 20 minutes before serving.

Mr. and Mrs. Lu Dok Tak always serve Cheetos with this tasty meal. But not before consuming massive quantities of the leftover Mad Dog mixed with Everclear.

Pabst Blue Ribbon cans and Pork Rinds wrappers and a number of fistfights broke out as anglers jockeyed for launching positions.

For the first time in over a decade, gunshots from the streets of Washington D.C.—the nation’s street crime capital—were drowned out by the roar of 295-horsepower outboards.

Also, D.C.-area bars and latenight hangouts, normally accustomed to clandestine rendezvous and Ted Kennedy, were not prepared for the raucus onslaught of thirsty bass fishermen. Amazingly, fewer than two dozen anglers did more damage to Washington’s drinking establishments than the whole Russian delegation during Kruschev’s tour in 1961.

Faraminnkota plans other future events and announced a new magazine to follow the Million-Man-Tournament trail, with a rate base of, what else, 1 million.

!

1 9 9 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 17

I S S U E

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

”News You’ll Want To Grab By Both Ears And Shake Real Hard” •

P A G E 1 7

FOUR COLOR

8/22/18 1:57 PM

T

he National Fish Rapper®, in its never-ending effort to figure every conceivable angle to raise an easy buck, is conducting a demographic and readership survey.

We need desperately to show that our typical reader is an educated, high-income sophisticate.

Unfortunately, previous readership studies have shown our typical reader to be a discount beer-swilling loser, who’s just lost his job after refusing to hand-wash his boss’s insoles. His wife has recently left him to go on the road with the band Ear Wax. His son wears more makeup than his mother. He has more hair in his food than on the top of his head. His son has so many tatoos, he can walk naked in public and people just assume he’s a pro angler, wearing logos head to toe. His daughter gets asked out by all the right boys in high school—problem is, she’s a 26-year-old substitute teacher.

Our typical reader obviously needs some work. That’s why we want YOU to fill out the survey below. You couldn’t possibly be as screwed-up as this guy (at least, we’re hoping you’re not... if you are, your data card can always get “lost” in the mainframe.)

In addition to our own shady marketing schemes, this survey data will be used to compile a master database that will be sold to direct (junk) mail operations all over the world. Time-share schemes, multi-level marketers, outdoor magazines, televangelists, we don’t care. If they’ve got the fee, they get the goods on you.

But rest assured, all information will be handled in strict confidence (honest!).

So please, take a few moments to fill out the few questions listed below. There’s nothing in it for you, but some handsome list rental fees for us. So what are you waiting for?

Spill your guts...

Part One—Tell Us A Little About Yourself 1. AGE:

( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

) Runt ) Teeny Bopper ) Punk ) College Puke ) Twenty-Something Loser ) Thirty-Something Smart-Ass ) Forty-Something Drunk ) Fifty-Something Geezer ) Sixty-Something Fossil ) Seventy-Something Shut-in ) Eighty-Something Invalid ) Ninety-Something Cadaver

2. OCCUPATION:

( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

) Sack Boy ) Sewage Handler ) Circus Geek ) Brain Surgeon ) President of the United States ) Real Estate Agent ) Secret Agent ) Michael Irvin’s Agent ) Parody Tabloid Publisher ) Mel Gibson ) Coat Hanger Repairman ) Zip Code Composer ) Tatoo Proofreader

P A G E 1 8

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 18

•

( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

READER SURVEY

) Fishing Tackle Marketing Executive ) Daydream Believer ) Sinister, Shadowy Figure ) Fictional Character ) Wart Analyst ) Crack-Cocaine Addict ) Gang Recruiter ) Assassin ) Stalker ) Cheese Broker ) Attorney for O.J. Simpson ) Other (please, DON’T specify)

3. INCOME

A. What is your gross annual income?

B. Are you serious?

C. C’mon. Is that all?

D. Don’t you get overtime?

E. Geez. And we thought WE were getting screwed.

4. EDUCATION COMPLETED:

( ) Grade School

( ) High School

( ) College

Reasons for leaving college:

( ) Graduated with honors

( ) Drafted into Marines; became

trained killing machine

( ) Went into politics

( ) Expelled for copying answers

to sociology exam on eyelids

( ) Sophomore chemistry lab

experiment left me with I.Q.

in exess of 290

( ) Turned Pro 5. ARE YOU MARRIED?

A. What’s she look like?

B. You got any pictures of her nude?

C. You wanna buy some?

6. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?

( (

) None ) Too many

7. HOBBIES:

(

(

(

(

(

(

(

(

(

(

(

(

(

) Model ship building ) Glue sniffing ) Hitchhiking cross-country dressed as Carol Channing ) Collecting celebrity teeth ) Building replicas of world land- marks with used Q-tips ) Re-enacting famous terrorist attacks at community festivals ) Talking like Gregory Peck while in the confessional ) Making crank phone calls to the White House ) Sleeping around ) Throwing rocks at cars ) Angering militia groups ) Line Dancing ) Calling the Rush Limbaugh Show

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

( ( ( ( (

) 11-man, full contact racquetball ) Binge drinking ) Impersonating an officer ) Gene splicing ) Blowdart fishing

8. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?

( ( ( ( ( ( (

) 1982 Datsun B2-10 ) 1984 Honda Civic (like new) ) WWII Surplus Jeep ) Opel Cadet ) 1964 Oscar Meyer Weinermobile ) 1997 Lamborghini Testarossa ) Other

9. PLEASE LIST YOUR CREDIT CARDS

WITH THE HIGHEST CREDIT LIMIT,

ALONG WITH THEIR ACCOUNT

NUMBERS AND EXPIRATION DATES. 10. JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, WHAT IS

THE PIN NUMBER ON YOUR ATM CARD? 11. AND THE CODE ON YOUR HOME

SECURITY SYSTEM IS...?

Part Two—Tell Us Your Opinions: 12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?

(

(

(

(

( ings

(

(

) Friends ) Alan Warren Outdoors ) Live With Regis, Cathy Lee and Howard Stern ) Baywatch (using VCR to dub own voice over David Hasslehoff’s) ) Reruns of Severe Weather Warn) Ron Popiel Infomercials ) The Dental Hygene Channel

13. IF YOU COULD MUTILATE AND KILL

ANY TV COMMERCIAL CHARACTER

AND GET AWAY WITH IT, WHO

WOULD IT BE:

( ) The anal-retentive Mr. Whipple

( ) Ernie Keebler, who would likely kill

you first, given the chance

( ) The lazy—probably union—Maytag Repairman

( ) Poppin’ Fresh, the way-too-happy

Pillsbury Dough Boy

( ) Pauly Shore (okay, he’s not a

commercial character, but he gets

our vote)

( ) That pathetic Bud Light “I

Love You, Man” alchoholic

( ) Ronald McDonald (how about

making him work a shift as a

rodeo clown?)

( ) The Energizer Bunny... no, wait...

that Duracell-powered robot family 14. HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? 15. PLEASE GIVE US YOUR APPROVAL

RATING OF PRESIDENT CLINTON:

( ( ( (

) Spineless, two-timing weasel ) Pudgy, pretty-boy sissy ) Murderous, thieving scum ) Bleeding heart, crybaby liberal

( ) wishy-washy, fence-sitting moderate

( ) Hardheaded, brain-dead conservative

( ) Not bad for an ex-con with just a

4th grade education 16. WHAT IS IT ABOUT NEWT GINGRICH

THAT ANNOYS YOU THE MOST?

(Please be as brief as possible.)

17. IF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

WAS HELD TODAY, WOULD YOU

(

(

(

(

(

(

) Vote for Bill Clinton ) Vote for Bob Dole ) Vote for Ross Perot ) Write in George Clooney’s name ) Probably not vote at all... thinking that the election would be held in November, like it usually is. ) Vote, rush home to watch the returns, and marvel at how a moron like Wolf Blitzer could get a job on network TV

18. ARE YOU NOW, OR HAVE YOU

EVER BEEN A MEMBER OF THE

COMMUNIST PARTY. JUST ANSWER

THE QUESTION, YES OR NO. 19. WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT

OF APRIL 17TH, 1995?

20. WHAT IS THE SQUARE ROOT OF 1,862?

21. WHO INVENTED THE STETHOSCOPE? 22. WHAT IS THE CAPITAL OF RHODE ISLAND? 23. HOW MUCH PIZZA DOES THE CITY

OF CHICAGO CONSUME IN ONE

DAY? WHAT ABOUT MARLON BRANDO? 24. HOW MANY BLONDES DOES IT

TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB? 25. CAN YOU SPARE $20?

This concludes the National Fish Rapper® Readership test. Your results will be forwarded to you (C.O.D.) within 4 to 6 weeks. Those who do not pass will be allowed to retake the exam next spring, for $1,500. The decision of the judges is final. Not valid in New Jersey.

Thank you, and may the best man win.

!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR SUBMITTING YOUR SURVEY QUESTIONNAIRE: Fold form 17 times and insert into a mailing tube, along with your writstwatch and the phone number of a good masseuse. Fed-Ex, priority overnight, to: The National Fish Rapper® Survey c/o Price, Waterhouse Accountants

& Check Cashing Service 90210 Ventura Blvd.

Beverly Hills, California 90210

”Give Us Thirty Minutes (And $50) And We’ll Show You A Good Time” •

1 9 9 6

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM

WALDO MISSING

COPYRIGHT © GAGE WITHERSPOON, INC.

REPORTED Police sketch indicating foul play in the disappearance of beloved cartoon character “Waldo,” who was reported missing by his cartoonist.

FBI called in KEY BISQUICK, Fla.—The FBI has been called in to investigate the disappearance of beloved children’s book character Waldo. On the afternoon of June 17th, authorities were summoned to the home of artist Gagme Witherspoon, creator of the popular Waldo books that have forced thousands of young parents into bankruptcy.

They were greeted by a hysterical Witherspoon who claimed that he’d looked everywhere, but could not locate the popular character. As the officers tried to calm the panicked artist, he kept screaming, “Where’s Waldo? Where’s Waldo?”

FBI agents were shown a police sketch of a large crowd of bizarre characters in which Waldo was last seen. Hard-boiled FBI agent Remington Magnum immediately suspected foul play, when he saw Waldo in the death-grip of a menacing-looking ogre in the sketch. Then he realized that he was investigating the disappearance of a fictional character and became violently hostile toward Gagme Witherspoon.

After 6 hours of non-stop interrogation, Witherspoon finally confessed that Waldo was indeed a figment of his exclusive prep-schoolnurtured imagination and that his missing persons report was a pathetic hoax. He was charged with 3 counts of racketeering and admitted to the prison ward of a local hospital, where he is being treated for hyperventilation and rubber hose-related injuries.

The story does have a happy ending, however. Waldo finally turned up, three weeks later, in a bar in the Florida Keys. Tatooed and sunburned, the thought-to-be fictional character growled to reporters that he’d just had enough of the limelight and wanted to “get lost” for a while.

He hooked up with a Key Largo gin runner and spent the next 3 weeks smuggling duty-free booze and instigating bar fights up and down the Keys.

He said he doubted he’d get back into the “wimpy world of children’s publishing” again, saying that he’d probably borrow some money and open a saltwater guide service.

!

1 9 9 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 19

I S S U E

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

”News That Won’t Leave You For Dead” •

P A G E 1 9

8/22/18 1:57 PM

FOUR COLOR

Power Fishin’... with

I

t was a dark and cloudy morning as the sun come up over the horizon. I hadn’t worked in weeks and the stress was killing me. I knowed it was time for me and my fishin’ buddy Billy-Bob-Randy-Ray-JimmyJohn Smith White Jones to go get bit. Only one way to do that, go fish!

When you been fishin’ as long as we has, it ain’t easy to decide what you gonna throw when you gets to the water and sees the conditions.

P A G E 2 0

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

FOUR COLOR FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 20

So I took everything to make sure I covered all the options. As I reached into my tackle box, I knowed there was too many fish, too many baits and not enough time.

So I grabbed my Abu-Garcia Acme All Star American Angler American Rod & Gun American Sportfishing Association Aquavet Fred Arbogast BASS Inc. B&L Sport Products B&M Mfg. Bandit Lures Bass Hunter Boats Berkley Blue Fox Tackle Boat Buddy Prod-

ARTWORK BY JEFF NEVES

The Value-Added Angler ucts C&H Lures CHT Lures C&M Lure Mfg. Cajun Tackle ‘N Bait Co. Calibert Impecco Ltd.

Camun Corp. Careco Television Productions Carlson Tackle Co. Inc. Castaway Fishing Products Catcher Co. Smelly Jelly Catfish Charlie Bait Co. Inc. Catic Beijing Co. Caviness Woodworking Co. Century International Corp. Challenge Plastic Products Champion-Shine Enterprises Chaparral Baits Chou’s Industrial Co. Ltd. Church Tackle Co. Cind-Al Mfg. Co. the Clam Classic Accessories Classic Fishing Products Clear Creek Co. Clelan Industries Felmlee Colby’s Computrol Bottom Line and Cannon Connectel Conquest Industries Cook Bates The Cossack Group Costa Del Mar Sunglasses The Creek Co. Creme Lure Burke-Flex-O Crowe Rope Co. Cuba Specialty Mfg. Ed Cumings Custom Outdoor Products DK Enterprises D.O.A. Fishing Lures The Danielson Co. Dart Mfg. The Day Bait Co. Quantex Cy DeCosse Delphi Automotive Systems Designer Float Systems Diamond Light Industries Dinsmores Doelcher Products Don-Rich Co. Donnmar Enterprises Doskocil Mfg. Co. Dotline Mengo Dynamic Leisure Products EGB America ESPN EXTEX Co. E-Z Catch & Co. Edge Products Edgecraft Corp. Eidolon Bait Co. El Vilar Electric Fishing Reel Systems Empak Empire Pewter Mfg. Eppinger Mfg. Co. Erie Dearie Lure Euopean Fishing Tackle Trade Association Eze-Lap Diamond Products FNT Industries Inc. Falcon Graphite Rods Fason Colorgraphics Fentress Marine Fenwick Fine Art Creations Wildlife Collection Finlandia-Uistin Fish Alert Fish & Game Finder Magazines Fish Hawk Electronics Corp. Fish-Ng Accessories Inc. FishAmerica Foundation Fisheries West Fisherman Eyewear Fishing Tackle Retailer Magazine Fishing Tackle Trade News Five Star Products Flambeau Products Floater Eyewear Flow-Rite of Tennessee Fly Fishing Video Magazine Fly Tech Fling Lure Fostco Frabill Fuji-Toki California Fulton & Fulton Future Fisherman Foundation G-Lox Outdoor Technologies The Gaines Co. Gamakatsu U.S.A. Inc. Game & Fish Publications Garmin Intl. Gator Grip Gemini Sport Products Genmar Industries Gerber Legendary Blades Gibbs Nortac Industries Glacier Glove Glo Tube Goldeneye Products Gruppo DP Gudebrod Inc. Gulfstream Fishing Products H&H Lure Co. H.T. Enterprises Harrington Graphics & Screenprinting Harrison Hoge Industries Hqrt Tackle Co. Guy Harvey Hawg Heaven Bait Co. Hayabusa U.S.A. Hellraiser Tackle Co. Helly-Hansen Hildebrandt Coorp.

Hobie Outback Hobie Sunglasses Hodgman The Hole Place Hopkins Fishing Lures Horizon Lure Co. Idaho Dept of Commerce Imperial Headwear In-Fisherman Industrious Software Solutions Insignia Systems Intl. Association of

”The Only News Source You’ll Ever Need (You Poor Dumb Schmuck)” •

1 9 9 6

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM

FOUR COLOR tain Silstar Corporation of America Smoker Baits Snag Proof Manufacturing Solvroken A.S. South Bend Sporting Goods Southern Lure Co. Southern Marine Research Space Age Plastics Fi-Shock SpiderWire Spike-It Bait Co. SponjLur Sportfishing & Boating Partnership Council Sportfishing Promotion Council Sportfishing Services Sports Afield Magazine Sports Pit Manufacturing Sportsman’s Medical Air Network Society Sportsmax St. Croix Rod Stanley Jigs Star Brite Stearns Manufacturing Storm Manufacturing Co. Stren Fishing Lines Strike Alert Strike King Lure Co. Strike Line Strike Tool Sufix U.S.A. Suick Lure Manufacturing Sully Manufacturing Sunrise International Superior Fly Products Sure-Life Lqaboratories Swede Industries System Trading T&L Produts TNN T-Shirts of Florida Table Rock Bait & Tackle Co. Tackle Shop Helper Taitex Lee

Fish & Wildlife Agencies Interphase Technologies Intruder Iron Mountain Knife Co. Ironwood Pacific J.D. Lures J-Mar Tackle JWA Fishing & Marine Jadico Jennex Co. Johnny Ray Sports Johnson Bag Co. KC Lures K-C Tackle Mfg. K&E Tackle Inc. KR Industries Kalin Co. Kamasaki-Elnex Kapan-Kent Co. Kastaway’s Kodiak Scents Katie Dids Org. Kendaco Kobuk Inc. Kwik Tek LPC Mfg. Lake Hawk Inc. Lakewood Products Lamiglas Lansky Sharpeners Gene Larew Tackle Leatherman Tool Group Bill Lewis Lures Lindy Little Joe Liqua-Lube The Loomis Co. Lowrance Electronics Lubrimatic Products Luck “E”Strike USA Luhr Jensen & Sons Luminous Arts Japan Ltd. Lunker Lure Products Lure King Lure Liote Lyons & Burford Magellan Systems Corp. Magic Products Mainstream (Marine) Ltd. Malin Co. Mann’s Bait Co. Marine Metal Products Maritime Innovations Inc. Marketware Corp. Mason TAckle Co. Master Fishing Tackle Corp. Max System Lures Maxima Fishing Lines Jatra McGowan Mfg. McKala Fishing L.L.C. McLaughlin Associates Corp. Melnak Tackle Mid-Lakes Corp. Midam Miracle Tackle Co. MirrOlure L&S Bait Co. Mister Twister Mold Craft Products Mouches Neptune Flies O. Mustad & Son (USA) NOAA NMFS Natl. Emblem Natl. Fishing Week Natl.

Marine Manufacturers Association National Media Corp. National Park Service National Products Natural Chemicals Nature’s Corner Nautamatic Marine Systems F.J. Neil Co. Nelson Weather-Rite Network Services New Tech Sports Nichimen America Inc. Nichols Lures Norman Lures Normark Corp. North American Fisherman Numark OPM Fishing Tackle Ltd. Ocean Tech Co. Odyssey 2000 North America Offshore Edge Products Okuma Fishing Tackle Old World Marine Products Olympic Optical Co. O’Neill Manufacturing Opening Day Products Optronics Outdoor Cap Co. Outdoor Connection Owner American Corp.

P&P Rattle Co. Pacific International Bluewater Paragon Sports Paralyzed Veterans of America Pendragon Publishing Penn Fishing Tackle Perfection Tip Co. Phoenix Label Pinpoint Corp. Pioneer Outdoor Sports Pittsburg Fiberglass Inc. Plano Molding Co. Plastilite Corp.

Playaction Products Poli Wheel Pop Geer Co. Porta-Bote International PRADCO Predator Baits Premier Optics L.C. Prescription Sportswear Press of the Sea Turtle Princeton Tec Pro-Flex Pro Rainer Pro-Tackle Ltd. The Producers Products Marketing International Professional Sporting Goods Prosport Distribution G. Pucci & Sons Inc. Queen City Weezel Bait Co. Quik-Hit Fish-n Products R.J. Tackle Inc. RM Engineered Products R&R Ventures Rainbow Plastics Co. Ranger Products Red Ball Consumer Products Reef Fisher Products Reef Runner Tackle Co. Reel Color Rieadco Corp. Rio Products Rite Angler Roaring Fork Graphics Rocky Mountain High Sports Glasses Rubbermaid Specialty Products J.M.B. Ryna S.R.O SAS TV Products S&S Publishing Sade Blue Water Safari Enterprises Salty Sucker Bait Co. Sampo Division Santone Lures Sarsaparilla Designs Scientific Anglers 3M Scotty Downriggers Sea-Tone Sea-West Distributors Seachoice Products Seafarer Momoi Seaguar Yo-Zuri Sengsun Corp. Sevenstrand Tackle Corp. Shakespeare Co. Shamrock Flies Shasta Tackle Co. Shurkatch Si-Tex Marine Elecronics Inc. Sierra On-Line Sierra Stream & Moun1 9 9 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 21

I S S U E

Pro Tackle Techsonic Industries Temple Fork Outfitters Texas Fish & Game Thompson-Pallister Bait Thunder Bullets Thunderhead Lures Times Mirror Magazines Tite-Lok Top Brass Tackle Touchdown Manufacturing Tournament Angler News Tournament Caps Tournament Fishing Tournament Tackle Toy Collector Club-First Gear Tra-R Inc. Transparent Container Co. Triana S.R.L. Trident Outdoors Co. Trophy Products Tru-Trac Industries TruTurn Daiichi H. Turrall & Co. U-Charters U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service USL Products Ultimate Sports Uncle Josh Bait Co. Unicord VMC Varnon Bait Co. Vivtek Products C.C. Volusia County Business Development Walker International Water Gremlin Waterford Molded Products Wellington Leisure Prodcuts Wesbar The West Best Tackle Western Filament Wheat First Butcher Singer Whistlin’ Wire

Wildlife Collectibles Williams International Wilson Allen Wisconsin Outdoor Journal Wisconsin Pharmacal Co. Inc. The Wise Co. Witchcraft Tape Products The Wittern Group Wood Lures of Arkansas World Gear World Publications Worldwide Games The Worth Co. Yakima Bait Co. Zebco Corp. Zeppelin Products Zercom Marine Zetabait and Zodiac of North America.

Needless to say, there wasn’t a fish left in the lake. They had to close the dad-gummed lake. I musta left them several thousand baits in addition to a couple of boats and various accessories, but that didn’t seem to help. Well, that’s gratitude for ya.

The End.

!

We Give Body Piercing A Good Name

ENDORSED BY “VANADIUM MAN,” TOP MONEY WINNER ON THE TOURNAMENT TRAIL! ®

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

”News That Makes A Sickening, Squishy Sound” •

P A G E 2 1

FOUR COLOR

8/22/18 1:57 PM

Prospects Excellent for Texas Jackalope Hunters

P A G E 2 2

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 22

•

ment is cwitical to maintaining quality jackawope popuwations thwougout the wegion. But so is dwought and so is wadiation.

This year, thanks to optimal conditions, they’re bweeding wike whitetails.”

According to Fuddrucker, who has spent over 75 years in the field studying the horned hares, the jackalope boasts several unique characteristics. “These fork-horned fowagers are born in wut,” he notes. “They hit the gwound in wut, and they stay in wut for the west of their wives.

With a 12-month bweeding season, a single pair of jackawopes can pwoduce a 50-wabbit herd in a single year. Pwefawabwy, there should be one jackwope buck for every 130 to 150 does.”

Given the aforementioned buck-to-doe ratio, jack rattlers should see plenty of “book bunnies” coming in to horns as the summer progresses and conditions continue to become both drier and more radioactive.

“They’re extwemely tewwitowial,” Fuddrucker cautions.

“Mature jackawope bucks have unweal hearing.

“I wike the way my fwend Barbara Walters put it after spending a week dwifting awound on the wange with me while working on a documentawy,” remarks Fuddrucker. “A rutting jackalope buck,” she said, “can readily distinguish the delicately rhythmic sound of a lightly rattled rabbit rack as if, rather, it’s rumbling across a remote mountain range like a runaway railcar rapidly rolling off of a really radical ridge.”

Rattling is Easy “It’s nothin’ to rattle up two or three hundred bucks a day,” says Izzie Texbell, current JACKMasters Archery and Horn Rattling Champion and the sole manufacturer of Izzie Texbell’s Two-Part Jackalope Doe in Estrus During Spring Break Sex and Appetite Enhancer. Texbell also produced the classic instructional video, “Basics to Baggin’ Braggin’ Sized Bunny Bucks with a Bow.” “They come in wantin’ sex, all hopped-up on that high-protein cabbage with their eyes bugged out wide and their necks all swelled up and fuzzy,” Texbell relates. “Don’t never look ëem in the eye unless you wanna be charged, especially if they

PHOTO BY WHOPPER POST CARD CO. MUNCIE, IND.

YOSEMITE SANDS, Tex. - “A combination of pwoper nutwition, ideal buck-to-doe watios and ample atmosphewic wadiation has wesulted in an all-tiime high popuwation of the West Texas jackawope,” a veteran Texas Parks and Wildlife Department biologist recently revealed in an exclusive interview with the National Fish Rapper®.

Elmer Fuddrucker, West Texas Jackalope Project Leader for TPWD, is thrilled about the ongoing hunting season for the popular “jacks with racks.”

“Abundant spwing wains and the wecent shipment of pwutonium waste from New York City have set the scene for a world-cwass jackawope harvest thwoughout the wemainder of 1996 and on into the next centuwy,” he tells us. “We simpwy can’t harvest the wabbits wapidly enough.”

Already, hunters are predicting that the winner of this year’s prestigious “Jumbo Jack” jackalope hunting contest will sport a massive pair of antlers like none ever before seen or even considered possible. The standard of measurement? The Bend and Crackitt Record Book of Antlered Rabbits and Blood-Spitting West Texas Horny Toads.

“We’re talking a 6 pointer, here,” explains Fuddrucker.

“A fuwwy mature, one-year-old twophy of a wifetime jackawope.

Half-inch bases and quarter-inch bwow tines, with perfectly symmetwical thwee-inch tines on the main beams. He’ll probably dwess out at two, maybe thwee pounds, and I guarantee you he’ll come off of a wanch that’s doing suppwemental feeding behind a wabbit-pwoof fence.”

West Texas ranches are regularly planted with huge mixed patches of carefully cultivated organic cabbage and carrots that are fertilized daily with tons of fresh antelope manure. The agricultural fields, planted strictly as a source of high-protein and minerals to enhance antler development, meets all the jackalope’s nutrition requirements and more.

According to Fuddrucker, however, it’s a just-right combination of weather activity and low-level radioactive waste coming in from out-of-state that’s making the crucial difference in how well the animals develop.

“Sure,” he says, “careful manage-

This hunter has rattled up an unusually large trophy Jackalope. The huge animal became annoyed at the incessant rattling noise and gored the man. He gave up the sport and took up competitive needle point.

have their ears lowered down and pointing directly at you. And don’t ever track ëem with any dog you care to keep in the family.”

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

There is no season nor bag limit on the West Texas jackalope in effect for both Texas and out-of-state hunters, with

the exception of those from New York City.

”Where Fact Meets Fiction And Before You Know It, They’re In A Cheap Motel Room” •

!

1 9 9 6

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM

Excellence “IF IT FLIES, IT DIES,” in Baitcasting QUIPS TEXAS GOVERNOR with rush limbaugh

G

REETINGS and meager-dittos Rush Minions, it is I, the supreme being of convervative thought, no less than Rush Limbaugh, the wonder-mouth.

My greatness is unsurpassed. Never before has one skull held so much important knowledge. Never before has one mouth made contact with so many adoring ears. Not even The Beatles can touch me now. I’m on a roll. Get out of my way. I’m unstoppable. I’m a juggernaught, I’ll mow down any liberal in my path. I... I don’t have any brakes! I’m losing control! I’m heading straight for a brick wall... Jane—Jane! Stop this crazy thing! AAAHHHHH! (Sorry about that, I dosed off and was having a nightmare).

Where was I? Oh yes, ME! The smartest man who never even graduated Junior College. Who needs it. With an ego like this, I can’t HELP but be the world’s smartest man. And that, dear ditto-brain, is why you follow me, isn’t it?

Let’s take a call now. Flathead Corners, Mississipi, welcome to the Excellence in Baitcasting Column: Caller: Uh, Rush...

Yes caller.

Caller: Rush...

I’m here, caller.

Caller: Is that really you, Rush?

Yes, it’s me. The Lighthouse for the intellectually shipwrecked. How can I help you.

Caller: Rush. I can’t believe I got through.

Caller, your time is running out. You know the rules. You get 20 seconds before I become bored and cut you off. And you’re getting close.

Caller: Oh....gee. I’m sorry. Uh...

Rush! I want to have your baby!

But sir... you are a man.

Caller: Well. I was thinkin’ you an’ my wife...

I get the picture. Sorry, Pal. You couldn’t afford it.

Next, Let’s go to Peanuckle, Indiana.

Welcome to the Excellence in Baitcasting Column. Do you have a fishing question for the greatest mind in history?

Caller: Yea. I do. I want to go do some Snook fishing down in Texas, but my brother-in-law says they’re real scarce... there’s none of ‘em left.

Your brother-in-law is obviously a liberal.

Caller: But the Texas Parks & Wildlife Department has statistics...

Statistics can be manipulated my friend. Are you really a conservative?

Caller: Why yes, Rush! I’m your greatest fan. I would do anything for you.

What is your command, Master?

I want you to go to Texas and fish the place dry. Don’t leave without your snook, and don’t let any liberal game wardens get in your way.

Caller: Yes, Master!

AUSTIN, Texas- In an effort to remedy any future “misunderstandings” at the 2nd Annual Texas Governor’s Killdeer Shoot in September, Gov. George Bush, Jr., has requested an emergency session with the Texas Legislature and the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department in an attempt to amend the statewide hunting regulations for migratory waterfowl.

Known privately as “Shrub” because it sounds a whole lot better than “Junior Bush,” the governor is expected to ask the state to include “everything that flies” on the list of legal birds to shoot this year.

An advisor to Bush, who asked to

remain anonymous (for no apparent reason) said Bush plans to hold this year’s event at the Aransas National Wildlife Refuge.

“There will be enough to go around for everybody. Even those damned crybabies from the liberal press,” Bush told the unnamed source.

In addition to dove hunting, Bush has told top advisors that he “would like to bag one of those funny-looking birds they call the sandhill crane.”

Ironically, the date scheduled for the governor’s annual hunt coincides with the annual migration of the endangered

whooping crane.

Bush also took the opportunity while the legislature was in special session to ammend the recent speed limit relaxation law.

Last year Texas, like most states, upped speed limits to 70 mph on rural highways.

Bush, who gets easily annoyed by in-town traffic, got the legislature to increase speed limts in School Zones to 65 mph.

!

!

1 9 9 6

FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 23

I S S U E

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

”News You Can Smell From Across The Street” •

P A G E 23

8/22/18 1:57 PM

FOUR COLOR

Got Carp Lips?

WE’RE YOUNG...

WE’RE THIN...

WE’VE GOT CARP LIPS...

LIFE IS CRUEL Carp Lips Lager—The bold new beer with the tonsil-broiling, gut-wrenching flavor that reduces most beer drinkers to a trembling heap of goo.

P A G E 2 2

•

THE NATIONAL FISH RAPPER® •

FOUR COLOR FINAL Fish Rapper.indd 24

GOVERNMENT WARNING: THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS DETERMINED (AND WITH A LIVER LIKE HIS, HE OUGHTA KNOW) THAT CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES CAN CAUSE ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING PROBLEMS: CHRONIC ABSCENCE FROM WORK, DIVORCE, MARRIAGE, BARROOM BRAWLS, THE MISTAKEN BELIEF THAT YOU CAN STARE DOWN AN ONCOMING 18-WHEELER, PHONE CALLS FROM A HUSKY-VOICED STRANGER WANTING HIS/ HER UNDERWEAR BACK, HEMORRHOIDS, BRAIN DAMAGE, HAIR LOSS, POLITICAL UNREST, RING AROUND THE COLLAR AND RAIN FOREST DESTRUCTION.

”News, Schmews... Who Writes This Crap?” •

1 9 9 6

I S S U E

8/22/18 1:57 PM