Spotlight on Open conversations

Communication is key year-round, but especially at Christmas, where tricky conversations about money, family and chores are more common.

If this makes you want to bury your head in the sand, you’re not alone. Clinical psychologist Dr Martha Deiros Collado (@dr.martha.psychologist) says, ‘Thinking about bringing up a conversation that may upset someone can bring strong emotional responses in your body; this leads many to avoid talking about it altogether.’ This may be because many of us view conflict as a negative, but this doesn’t have to be the case. Thinking of communication as a tool to improve connection may help psych yourself up for difcult conversations. ‘Avoiding conflict is likely to build up resentment and in the long term may create more problems,’ says Dr Martha. ‘But having an ongoing dialogue can lead to a healthy relationship built on trust.’

Once psyched up, you may want to jump straight into it, but just because you’re ready to speak to someone doesn’t mean that they’re ready to speak to you. Relationship coach Lisa McFarland (@relationship.coaching.ni) says, ‘Sometimes we launch into conversations with people and they’re busy cooking dinner.

‘ ‘Avoiding conflict is likely to build up resentment. But having an ongoing dialogue can lead to a healthy relationship built on trust Dr Martha Deiros Collado, clinical psychologist

Before you begin, say: “I need to talk to you about something, when is a good time?”’ This way the conversation is more equal, as both parties can prepare. Lisa reminds us: ‘The person is entitled to say, “Today is bad for me, can we do it tomorrow at 11?” Then you’re both coming to it from a place where you want to hear each other.’ If both people are receptive, then you’re more likely to come to a resolution.

It’s also important to talk in person. ‘We don’t get anywhere with our thumbs,’ says Lisa, as messages can be misinterpreted. ‘And there’s no emoji that can make it better!’ If this isn’t possible, Dr Martha suggests texting as an invitation to talk face to face. She says, ‘Write something like “I need to talk to you about our budget, I wanted to give you a heads-up so we can find time to talk together.”’

Having healthy communication can be hindered by unhealthy habits – and many of us may not realise we’re falling into them.

Dr Martha relays four communication patterns that we should try to overcome: Criticism Statements that attack a person’s whole character, not their specific behaviour in the moment. Contempt Being hostile, mocking the other person or meeting them with cold body language, such as eye rolling. Defensiveness Refusing to take responsibility for your role in a conflict. Stonewalling Shutting down in a conversation because it feels too overwhelming.

The easiest way to avoid these pitfalls? Avoid ‘you’ statements. As Lisa explains: ‘Don’t say “you were late” because “you” just forces the person to attack or get defensive. But by saying “I felt disappointed when that didn’t happen – what can we do to make sure it doesn’t happen again?” means you handle the situation in a more mature way.’

And don’t worry if you slip into any of these habits, as Dr Martha reminds us: ‘When you do get it wrong, remember you’re human. Repair with a meaningful apology and learn from it.’

There may be occasions where you need to step back from a conversation, such as if you get angry. Lisa describes this as ‘the red mist that descends when we’re not getting the response we expected. You need to step away and let the red mist pass.’ Responding when frustrated means you’re more likely to say things you will regret.

There may also be times when you feel overwhelmed. Dr Martha suggests you take a break: ‘Rather than “stonewalling”, clearly state your needs which may sound like “I’m feeling upset, can I talk once I feel calmer?”’ You can always come back to a topic, as she says: ‘The first conversation is just that – the first of many. Start small and see them as opportunities to connect and share your concerns or wishes.’ This removes the pressure to tackle a big topic in one go.

Dr Martha shares her tips for speaking to kids about Christmas during the cost of living crisis. PREPARE THEM Avoiding the topic because you don’t want to disappoint your children won’t help. ‘When we stay silent, we’re leaving them to cope on their own,’ she says.

MORE THAN WORDS Keep language simple, but use images, videos or books to make your point. Kids don’t need to know everything, but be as honest as you think is age-appropriate.

SAFE SPACE It’s best to talk to children in a room they feel secure in – like their bedroom or around the kitchen table.

SET BOUNDARIES Dr Martha recommends starting the chat with ‘This year you will get (number of) gifts. We can write down things you’d most like. If you don’t get something now, then we’ll consider getting it for your birthday.’ The focus could also be on stocking fillers, which can be fun as well as low cost.

THINK BEYOND GIFTS Quality time is free and often makes more memories. You could even make tokens for a ‘crafty’ afternoon, for example, to give them low-cost experiences to look forward to.

TEARS ARE OK Even if your child gets everything on their list, tears could still happen! Dr Martha reminds us that ‘tears are part of having big emotions. Just hold them gently and allow them to pass.’