Aging: Celebrations and Challenges

By Valerie Zimber*

Celebrations & Challenges

Relationships

What happens when a parent tries to talk with his son or daughter about his wishes for end of life care and the child doesn’t want to listen?

This is just what we witnessed as Alan Morse tried to talk with his son, Nick Morse, on Thursday, November 19th at our program entitled, A Time for Reflection: Our successes, uncertainties, and challenges in pursuing end of life planning and conversations.

After an amazing D’var Torah by Rabbi Elaine Zecher, who used the Bible as the resource for examples of complicated family situations and what happens when there are, and are not, conversations about one’s death, we asked Alan and Nick to role play so that the audience could offer their suggestions for how to move the discussion forward. We then had Rhoada Wald play the role of my daughter. Rhoada desperately tried to get her “mother” to discuss her wishes for how much medical intervention she wanted, should she be in a situation where she could no longer advocate for herself. While both of these role plays were funny and heartwarming, they also served as a wonderful vehicle for underscoring how difficult it can be to have a fruitful conversation with your loved one about this important topic. Under Rabbi Elaine Zecher’s excellent guidance, both in terms of creating a Jewish framework and in utilizing her comedic talent, those who were observing were called on to step in for one of the “actors” and try their preferred strategy so that we could observe the resistance that can arise from a variety of different approaches.

We then had the honor of having past TI President Carol Michael speak about her experience during her late husband’s illness on the differences between palliative and hospice care. Carol shared her own story about how she navigated the medical system and learned about various forms of treatment designed to lessen a patient’s pain and/or discomfort. She graciously answered questions and made herself available as a resource should any of us need more information. We then participated in a lively discussion, in which almost everyone in the room shared some aspect of their own experience while trying to engage in having an end of life care conversation. This led us to the real truth that having such a conversation often happens slowly over time and after repeated efforts. Perhaps the final takeaway was that it so important to make the effort because talking about the unmentionable, makes it more manageable. It makes it more manageable not only for us, but also for the ones we love most.

On Monday, December 14th, we had the honor of hosting Ms. Marsha Frankel, Director of Senior Services at Jewish Family & Children’s Services, to lead a discussion on how aging and illness can affect family relationships. We enjoyed a very informal and personal conversation where we shared some of the problems we had each encountered while we tried to navigate the often difficult path that can develop between family members over how best to deal with the medical and emotional turmoil when someone becomes incapacitated or terminally ill. Issues such as when to ask a parent to give up his or her car, helping a parent or sibling move out of their home and into a facility, and how to best negotiate for quality care when you live far away from your loved one are just a few of the topics we investigated. We also talked at length about burial and cremation and the more subtle differences between hospice and palliative care. This was a most personal and intimate evening and, although it might not sound like a “fun evening”, it was a true bonding experience in that many of us spoke from our hearts about the often wrenching emotional issues with which we are living; sometimes with little or no support. It felt like a true honor to be part of a community that creates a sacred space for such conversation.

*Valerie Zimber serves on the Board of Trustees, Ohel Tzedek, and as co-chair of Aging: Celebrations & Challenges.