The Daily Singal 867-5309 ... Call us, maybe?
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May 27, 2010
TUNJ and Git being sued for ‘Drunk Stuff’ Officials stay classy as students get wasted
Ice - T / Eye of the Tiger
Students have been found passed out from excessive drinking in various places throughout TUNJ following ‘Drunk Stuff.’
By Kujo Jehovah Certifiable Editor
The subpoena landed in the Git’s mailbox late last week with the devastating news — The University of New Jersey is being sued for $5.5 million. Following The Singal’s St. Patrick’s Day “Drunk Stuff,” which featured a full page of drinking games and recipes, came a wave of complaints from parents and Spewing Township residents about the sudden increase in drunken activity. A large group of parents and
Spewing residents, including Mayor Cheeseburger, joined together to file the lawsuit, citing the column as illegal because of its encouragement of underage drinking. Sophomore rainbow chemistry major Jack Lew had never heard of an Irish trash can before reading the column. The drink combines shots of six different liquors and a can of Red Bull, which slowly turns the drink green. “I was intrigued that it changed colors,” he said. “When I couldn’t figure out how it was happening, I just drank it.”
According to police, Lew was found on the basketball court screaming, “I wanna be an airborne ranger!” When officers tried to apprehend him, Lew frantically exclaimed that he could not leave because he is thinking about trying out for a scholarship. The Singal’s “Cop Shopalypse” has also doubled in length following the column, featuring more and more shitfaced amateurs forgetting their names and doing dumb shit. Representing the mayor and residents is Cefilia Legging Gremlin, an attorney known for being an over-the-hill goody-goody. TUNJ and the Git do not have legal representation yet, but are accepting applicants and are holding auditions. Experience is optional. Singal reporters reached out for comment from the Git, who then proceeded to go all Eminem on their asses responding, “I JUST DON’T GIVE A FUUUUUCK!” She then cut a line of coke with the envelope from the subpoena, sniffed and then screamed, “I’m fucking alive!” before slamming the door. Mayor Cheeseburger, on the other hand, had plenty to say on the matter. “The Git has found herself in a lot of hot cooking oil this time, and we have mad beef with that ho,” he said. “Lettuce monitor the content of Singal so that the university can ketchup to the level of Spewing Township.” A few bad puns later, the mayor cut a rail of coke with his American Express Black Card, snorted it, rubbed the remaining residue on his
gums and said, “Keepin’ it classy, bitches.” Cheeseburger then got into his stretch Hummer limousine, stuck his head out of the sun roof and proceeded to motorboat a scantily clad woman before exclaiming, “I’m rich, beeyotch!” Aside from the lawsuit against TUNJ, a number of private domestic violence lawsuits have been filed among students as a result of the game “fisty kisses,” which ultimately results in the loser getting punched in the mouth, which up until this point has been all females. “Let’s face it, girls never win drinking games,” the Git said in regards to the lawsuits. “Maybe if they weren’t bitches they could keep up with the boys.”
Hall&Oats / Private Eye
Kirsten Dunst refused to be a bitch and play regular ‘quarters,’ but suffered a busted lip from ‘fisty kisses.’
Balls stolen, cockfighting and more By Moe, Larry and Curly bitchass comedians
Two sophomore males were found drunkenly pissing off of the roof of Forchina Hall. When questioned, they stated that they were simply trying to protect the campus from knife wielders. They were deemed successful and awarded with gold and riches. … An artist was arrested for placing four giant sparkly balls in the area between M&M building and the Bullshit Building. In further news, the same artist has been accused of stealing $100,000 from TUNJ. … Two caucasian males were arrested on Friday when they were found with two of the University’s “Big Ass Shiny Balls” outside of local bar Fastcum’s. Their only comment:
“We just wanted the bad-assiest giant bowling balls ever.” … A female was found drunk and incoherent outside of Chupacabrae Hall. When asked her name, she replied, “December 21, 2012.” She has since been transported to the Vatican for immediate execution. … University President The Git was found outside of the prison with a spade shovel, a flashlight and a pocketful of nail files on Tuesday morning at approximately 2 a.m. The Git was apprehended, and after drug testing was found to have large amounts of cocaine in her system. She could be heard shouting one thing as she was forced into the police car: “I gotta free mah bitches!!!” …
A student was reprimanded after putting large amounts of bubble bath in the fountain outside of the AIMMNFGJKL Building. As the student was taken away in handcuffs, he could be heard shouting “I just wanted to clean the campus, bitches!” before spitting in a police officer’s face. … A student was arrested for a cockfighting competition. There were no chickens found. Clothes were found all over the immediate area. Officers wrote them a citation for not using protection and then joined in with their “nightsticks.” … Jerry Sandusky, who was at the aforementioned cockfight, was found in the shower with approximately 30 young roosters. He said the cockfight was “boring.” He received a slap on the wrist and was allowed to finish. The End ... for now
Photo courtesy of Heywood Jablome
Drunk editors: ‘Piss off’
Two Singal editors were found drinking and being merry while writing two ‘Things to Do’ columns for different holidays. A. Lax Wolf and B. Sizzle McGrizzle, the Sprots and Creatures Editors, respectively, were found passed out in the Singal basement with BACs well over .25. Some lame professors made their way down upon hearing the news and proceeded to kick the two editors while they were down. One of them then farted on their faces. The Singal should probably write something more about this or fire the two editors, but what the fuck would that accomplish? It would just mean the rest of us need to pick up their slack. Fuck that shit.
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