37 minute read
Interact - September 2020 (Special Edition)
CONVERSATIONS ON CARE
MK CAREGIVERS
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Lynda Shingledecker Wheeler (LSW)
Janet Blomberg (JB)
Bret Taylor (BT)
Tammy Sharp (TS)
Sheryl O'Bryan (SROB)
Pete Ammerman (PA)
Janet Blomberg (JB): Thanks for sharing your experiences and perspectives as an MK caregiver. There are lots of things we could discuss or ways we could get started, but why don’t we go back to your start in MK care and let’s start with this question. “When you started working in MK/member care, what were the major issues that you faced?”
Lynda Shingledecker-Wheeler (LSW): When I began working in MK care, one of my first challenges was finding out where the MKs were that I was responsible for. This was especially true if they were in college. Not only did I not know where they were, but it was hard to get contact information for them.
Apart from the difficulty in tracking down our MKs, another challenge I faced was deciphering what their top needs were and how the mission could resource them. One thing that made this more challenging were the limitations we faced both in budget and staffing. It seems that this is something we always face.
Since MK care was so new to everyone, one of the challenges I faced was “selling” the value of it to our mission leadership and trying to figure out what care looked like. This was especially challenging for our organization because our personnel came from so many different sending countries and each had very different definitions of what care looked like. For example, twenty years ago in Latin American, member care was simply trying to get funds from the local church to the family on the field.
Sheryl O’Bryan (SROB): I started working with MKs as a teacher at an MK boarding school. The major issues I saw on the school side of things were sending elementary students to boarding schools, providing special education programs for all of the students who needed them, any kind of differentiation in education, training for dorm staff, and perhaps limited educational choices. Of course, when I started there was no internet available. The preponderance of material available on the internet, available resources, and fast communication have changed some of that.
When I moved into the headquarters (HQ) member-care team over a decade later, some of those issues remained. However, from an office position, things took on a very different perspective. More educational options were available on a wider scale, but bringing up boarding school was touchy. Trying to advocate for recruiting teachers (special ed. or otherwise) was frustrating at times.
Pete Ammerman (PA): I started serving in an MK care capacity in 2010 while my wife, Bree, and I were attending Bible school. At that point, I remember feeling really encouraged by what felt like a growing enthusiasm for MK care. This came from within the organization we were planning to serve with long term as well as from the other organizations we found ourselves rubbing shoulders with. Our vision, at that time, was to focus on the college-age MKs who were finding themselves back in the U.S. (often on their own) and were looking to adapt to the States, college, and even to an early career.
During that time, I remember there was some initial push back in the mission’s community saying, “Don’t make MKs feel different or separate them out.” That led to some controversy when it came to MK or TCK specific programs and clubs on college campuses. I remember understanding the root concerns, but I felt that it was a bit like throwing the baby out with the bath water not to build any programs specifically for them. I believed there was a balance that could be struck where MKs could have programs helpful in getting them the support they could really use, while also not building walls that made them feel different or better than their monocultural peers.
Bret Taylor (BT): There are some real parallels between my experience and Pete’s. Back in 1999, the expat community was just becoming aware of the TCK terminology and related issues. While David Pollock, Ruth Van Reken and others were speaking increasingly globally, only the larger international schools seemed to be consistently investing in helping TCKs transition to their passport countries. The concept of MK/TCK care was still in its infancy in many home offices. Mission agencies were still slow in seeing that their responsibility to MKs was much more than making sure teachers and boarding home parents were recruited.
In 2000, after returning from Kenya, I began contacting mission organizations offering to come on their staff to help their MKs in transition and develop a Flow of Care. Over and over again, their response was "Yes, we'd love to have you be a teacher.” or "You would make a great boarding home parent." However, I would persist and begin to articulate a vision for helping their organization develop programs of care for their MKs in transition. In essence, I wanted to be a "youth pastor" for their MKs. Then, like a broken record, every recruiter would respond, "Our MKs could really use something like that, but we don't have a position for that." (Face Palm!)
Tammy Sharp (TS): My experience was a lot like all of yours. When I first started in MK care, a major issue was that member care in general was relatively new for mission agencies. In fact, I started as the MK Coordinator before the Member Care Director was in place. Agencies were still trying to figure out what member care looked like and the specifics of MK care were lost in the midst of that. I was on my own to figure it out. Thankfully, there were a few MK caregivers that shared their wisdom with me, but there weren't many full-time MK care personnel then.
An issue I faced when I first started was convincing our parents that MK care personnel wanted to serve them and come alongside them as they parented their TCKs. Back in those days we had recruited very self-sufficient global workers who didn't see the need for member care much less MK care. Thankfully, after a parent survey, a few debriefing programs and some conferences, parents began to realize how beneficial MK care could be to their family.
JB: So, let’s change the question a bit and focus on the MKs themselves. When you started working in MK/member care, what were the major issues that MKs faced?
BT: What has changed over time is the nearly complete death of the stereotypical MK running barefoot in the wild. Globalization through high speed internet has brought about a more homogenous and culturally aware world. When David Pollock originally described TCKs as being global citizens so many years ago, it was unique to them. Increasingly though, monoculturals are better aware of the world and issues outside their immediate community. The gap is closing. I also find the high mobility of families returning to passport countries with increased frequency (often for shorter durations) is impacting previous stereotypes of TCKs. However, like someone who straddles a threshold, they are sometimes neither in nor out, and thus miss out on the benefits of committing to either.
TS: For me, the main issues for MKs were often organizational. Initially, many MKs had a mistrust of their sending agency due to standardized policies. For example, all kids were required to attend boarding schools. Often, the needs of MKs weren't seen as a priority. In many cases, there was so much mistrust at first, and it led to suspicion of anyone caring about MKs and TCKs. They weren't used to that and didn't know what to think. I remember one girl in college who begrudgingly met me for coffee but didn't share much on my first encounter with her. The next year, she called me when I was in route to set up a time to meet and was very excited that I was coming to connect with her again.
LSW: When I started, one of the basic, practical challenges was how expensive it was to connect and communicate with our MKs or with their parents on the field. This was important because it meant that often they didn’t know what resources where available to them from our organization or from the wider community. The other thing that was true for our MKs was that they were less aware of social norms and what was popular in their passport countries because there was less availability of internet, cell phones, etc.
When it came to our MKs, in general they were also less aware of their MK/TCK identity as well as of the various themes that surrounded their lives such as grief, loss, belonging, and many others. Isolation intensified many things for them. If they struggled with something, they often felt like they were the only ones grappling with that and felt so isolated which intensified what they were going through.
PA: As Lyn said, when I started working in MK care, the technology we use daily today was only beginning to penetrate the mission’s world overseas. Because of that, we were working with MKs who were still quite isolated from their passport culture. Upon reentry to the States, MKs needed to be very intentional about seeking support and help for the practical skills that they had little exposure to. It was not like the 50s-90s when MKs didn’t even know the clothing styles and media platforms. Yet, there was still a gap in exposure. I remember working with MKs who struggled with how different their American peers were when it came to using smart phones, media platforms, and materialism. We had many conversations about how to use Facebook appropriately and about watch the pit falls of the “comment” section of posts.
BT: I see MKs facing two unique challenges today and one relates to what Pete was just talking about. Sometimes MKs today have a false sense of confidence. The issue of false confidence ironically comes from information on TCKs/transition being more available and often sprinkled into their life over time. This seems like a good thing, but I've found (as is often the case), a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Whether it is because TCK issues are being taught by inexperienced or untrained personnel, or it is because it’s being squeezed in and not given priority, MKs today are frequently are overly confident.
Here’s a case in point. Every seminar I teach, I now begin by asking "How many of you have heard of RAFT?" Usually eyes roll, there are a few groans, and nearly all hands go up. I follow that quickly with "How many of you know what the acronym RAFT stands for?” Immediately, the majority of hands waiver, bodies begin to shift uneasily, and typically less than 5-10% can answer that question. Then, I go in for the death stroke. "How many of you intentionally practiced the steps of RAFT to leave well?" It's rare that anyone still has their hand up, and those who do, their more successful process in transition is quickly evident.
PA: There was also a lack of exposure to the cultural conversations that were happening in the States. I’ve talked with many MKs who felt blindsided by the conversations they faced in their college dorms about LBGTQ issues, abortion, and current politics. Their peers had been talking about these things since they were in middle school and already had strong opinions.
I also remember feeling like perfectionism had really saturated the MK community. There was a stark contrast from the typical conservative constructs of the missions’ community they grew up in versus that of the college students they came to call friends. There was a sense of “My parents would not be okay with me having these conversations or feelings.” “We don’t talk about these things in my family.” “I don’t want them to get mad, leave their work and come home because of me.” So, these MKs worked hard to put on a good face so their parents would be happy with them and also their parents’ supporters! This paints a bad picture of missionary parents in that time. The truth is most parents were not actually unloving or unwilling to dialogue about hard things with their kids. The problem with perfectionism is that it comes from lack of communication, assumptions and spiritual warfare as the enemy looks to disrupt their families. Often, the physical distance between the parents and child after high school also exacerbated that dynamic.
SROB: For me, there has been a shift from what I saw from the school perspective I had as a teacher. One challenge then was getting timely information for colleges or any other state-side program. Communication, mostly those beautiful old aerograms, was always challenging, especially to receive and respond to things in a timely manner. Phone calls were incredibly expensive if families even had phones. So, communication was mostly limited to what felt like censored letters. Other than that, most of the major issues revolved around typical teenager life: homework, sports, and matters of the heart as well as typical boarding school issues: homework, inflexible schedules, and getting enough adult attention.
From a headquarters perspective (once I was there)— programs designed specifically for MKs fell within the scope of what was provided for adults. This was especially evident in the realms of orientation and debriefing. Adult programs existed, but programs for kids beyond babysitting/childcare were non-existent or perhaps a conversation with an interested adult. MKs were acknowledged with birthday cards and graduation cards, but other than that the office didn’t do much with them. Educational options were discussed with parents, but there didn’t seem to be any real connection between the organization and the MKs in it.
JB: So, let’s jump forward a bit and talk about what MK/member care is like today. I think there are two aspects to this question. One aspect would be how things have changed. The other aspect would be what are the biggest challenges that today’s MKs/TCKs are facing?
SROB: The internet changed so much! Many organizations backed off of their prescriptive policies about educational options and the internet provides access to many more options than existed 30 years ago. Educational opportunities abound! It’s great to have choices, but picking through those choices can be difficult and daunting. That internet connection may provide amazing educational opportunities, but it also can lead to further isolation of MKs. No longer must they leave home to gain an education, but they no longer have the same pool of other TCKs with whom to create friendships. For many, local/national friends are a great option, but this is still not true for all. When many of your local counterparts, especially for girls, are either denied an education and helping to raise younger children or married and raising their own children, local friendships for teenage, female MKs becomes difficult. While I’m not advocating TCK friends exclusivity, it’s also good to have friends who understand the intricacies of TCK life in ways non-TCKs can’t grasp.
TS: One challenge and blessing for today's MKs/TCKs is the rise of social media and the ability to connect and maintain relationships despite distance. Things like email, What'sApp, texting, Google, Zoom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Tiktok did not exist when I left the Amazon rainforest and headed to Wheaton College. Balancing screen time, studies, new friendships, past friendships and all the social media platforms was not something I had to manage back then. I remember being blown away when I saw how email could help me connect to my family back in Brazil.
Another challenge is instant awareness of what is going on globally (this is a good thing too), but for MKs and TCKs who care deeply and are passionate about the world, this can have an emotional and exhausting effect. Long gone are the days when we would wait for weeks for a Newsweek or U.S. News magazine to show up so we could read about old news. Now we can all follow events in real time.
From Lynda Shingledecker Wheeler
LSW: There’s another side to what Tammy just said. There are an Increasing number of MKs who are sheltered from their national host culture due to safety issues. Thus, they don’t learn the local language or foster relationships with nationals. While this was true in the past as well, it wasn’t necessarily due to safety but rather because parents did not foster these opportunities for engagement. Working/living on mission bases may not have facilitated engaging with nationals on a regular basis. In addition, while they have more awareness of what it means to be an MK, that doesn’t necessarily translate into having the tools to deal with things like grief, communication norms in their passport country, or belonging.
PA: I’m truly in awe when I think about how things have changed in the last ten years. The world has moved into globalization so quickly, and it has had many effects on MKs/TCKs. In the last few years, I am shocked at how technology has penetrated the missions’ world overseas. I only have to think about my overseas trips just a few years ago. Very few, if any MKs, had cell phones. In recent years, I found MKs not only have them, but they have almost all of the same apps, music, and lifestyles as their American peers. It’s amazing! I’ve also observed how the tribe and village folks where our families work also have them! This is a topic that has many rabbit holes to follow, but as it relates to MKs, we are seeing many be connected to their passport countries and cultures like never before while overseas. They are leaps and bounds ahead of past generations of MKs in being aware of current cultural trends in their passport culture.
LSW: As Sheryl and Pete have said, when I think of how things have changed, I think of technology. It has really improved the connections that MKs/TCKs have with their peers, their family, and others. Unfortunately, there is a flip to technology for MKs. It can keep MKs from investing in their current environment and keep them from creating new friendships.
SROB: I agree with Lyn. A challenge for some TCKs is also technology. It provides so many blessings for the highly mobile community, and so many ways to continue connecting with family and friends. Sadly, however, it can become a bulwark against engaging where one finds themself in the world. Technology provides distractions in so many ways. It also provides access to information many don’t need and don’t know how to filter. Therefore, it makes them vulnerable to influences and influencers most would not invite into their home. (Obviously, it’s not just a TCK problem!)
LSW: This also has implications for MK caregivers. While they now have more possible connections through technology (email, social media, WhatsApp, etc.), MKs can still mask the real issues they are grappling with in their lives. MKs have to choose who they trust or not to help them. This can be complicated by them attracting “needy” people who they have been nice to and their care/attention is interpreted as being a more significant/deeper relationship.
For MK caregivers, providing care requires a level of emotional intelligence to be able to respond well to the MKs: where they are, their stage of life, and their maturity as well as having good resources around for difficult situations that the MKs have already lived through or for the repercussions of current choices.
PA: I’ve observed a swift change in American culture in the last few years. That is to say, we don’t have much of a culture! It is at a point now where it is a roller coaster with changes to the cultural norms every day. There are major divisions that have taken hold—generational divides, political divides, and racial divides. All of these have led to the loss of our combined identity as Americans and a unified culture. There has been a diminishing in “truth.” It’s next to impossible to believe what you hear and see now. Our cultural mood changes by the hour. These topics get debated in unhealthy arguments half-heartedly posted on YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Even the art of face-to-face debate has turned into protesting and rioting. Now the world-changing event of Covid-19 has led us to a new level of uncertainty as we are living day-to-day and waiting to see what’s next and what the new normal will be. The future is hard to imagine.
This is the world our MKs are now trying to “transition into.” In some ways, it is impossible to adjust to because there is so little solid ground on which to land; so little resettling to experience and find comfort in. The challenges ahead for MKs and MK caregivers alike is to find ways to seek truth—despite this trend; to rediscover and foster skills in good discussion and healthy debate; to become a learner; to research the hot topics like racism, social justice, human rights, sexual orientation, and gender identity. These are the new “how’s the weather” and “sports” small talk of the past.
LSW: We are seeing a greater incidence of mental health issues among MKs in part because we have greater awareness of mental health issues. One question is why? Is it because this generation is more open about them or is there truly more incidence of mental health issues among MKs who are struggling? In addition, there is a growing number of MKs/TCKs who have experienced trauma in their locations. However, there is not always the support or resources they need to deal with that trauma in healthy ways.
PA: I agree with Lyn that we are seeing a sharp rise in mental health challenges such as anxiety disorders, depression, hyper-stress. These are issues that are affecting young people at alarming rates. I do not believe MKs are immune to this just because they didn’t grow up in the U.S. It has become globalized. In a recent trip overseas, I facilitated a transition conference for high school MKs. I spent lots of time on the traditional transitional topics and elements, but this year I also added a session on anxiety, depression and stress. I talked about definitions, how they affect you, what you can do about it, and how to help others. I found that many of the MKs were very impacted and felt a personal connection to this material. It was an eye opener for me as it was not a small fraction of students who were impacted by this, but rather the majority.
JB: Now let’s shift our conversation to talking about how things have changed for you and how MK care/member care changed? As you interact with other MK caregivers, what are some of the challenges they are facing?
BT: I subscribe to the idea that MK care, as John Barclay advocates, was what prompted the modern member-care movement. The idea that organizations shouldn't simply train and send people but should follow and nurture/support their members was novel at the end of the 20th century. It flew in the face of the iconic missionary mindset of packing everything up in your casket and purchasing a one-way ticket to parts unknown.
However, in the past decade, organizations have seen many modern-day missionaries are now expecting and requiring more ongoing "member care" as they are far less self-reliant and independent. The MKs seem to have been lost in the shuffle or assumed a trickle-down effect would reach them as parents are “member cared.” Of course, there is one major exception to this new norm of returning to giving minimal support to MKs. It is the area of child safeguarding. However, this has been reactionary (not proactive) in the steps that organizations have taken. Unfortunately, my cynicism lends to believing resources (financial, personnel, etc.) have been invested in child safeguarding mainly as a means of protecting the organization's good name and its coffers from litigation regarding child abuse on the field.
PA: I have seen some major shifts in my ten years of involvement in MK care and some of them are related to what Bret was just talking about. Many organizations and mission leaders have become more open to member care in general. Multiple elements led to this eagerness to see members cared for more intentionally. In the last few years, more and more high profile, media-driven stories have put missions in the public eye. No longer is there a sense of “our business is our business.” The age of sweeping things under the rug to protect the organization is no longer being tolerated and full transparency is what is valued. This has led organizations to see themselves as fully accountable for their members.
SROB: I think that MK care as member care has become more mainstream. MKs are not seen merely as dependents or easier ways for their parents to establish relationships with local people. MKs are seen as important parts of the ministry. MKs are valued for who they are, not just as foreign language performers during furlough.
During my tenure at a sending agency, I saw MKs become more valued as people. They were welcomed to the office and were rarely seen as disruptions. They brought the fun. I also saw numerous people join the organization because their children were cared for and because the whole family was deemed important. I saw policies change to allow more visits back “home” by college-age TCKs, and more visits to those same TCKs by their parents if it was wiser for the TCK to stay in situ.
PA: I also see that member care, in general, is beginning to get younger. Traditionally, member care positions were seen as only for seasoned veterans who no longer could serve overseas due to age. It was not a position to offer incoming or mid-career staff because they had no experience in the field and would not understand the organization culture well enough. While there is some truth to this, I believe many agencies are shedding this as a core belief.
Here are a few reasons for this shift. Organizations are hurting in the personnel department because they are losing their personnel to retirement faster than they can fill positions. When you restrict filling positions to only a pool of veterans, you will have few options. Also, I believe they are realizing that technology is becoming more and more integral to the member-care efforts and so younger staff is needed to spearhead the integration of these new platforms. Lastly, I believe there is realization that a generationally diverse staff is powerful. It leads to a mix of new ideas and an infusion of energy, while also having the constancy, vast experience, wisdom and the healthy passing-of-the-baton of mentoring.
SROB: Obamacare, for all its foibles and flaws, was a boon for many TCKs in the “emerging adult” category. It allows them to remain on their parents’ health insurance without carrying a 12-hour class load. Gap years are more possible. Taking an entry-level job without great insurance also became a more realistic possibility. Of course, HIPPA regulations mean 18-year-olds are suddenly solely responsible for their insurance information. However, it seems to have provided more benefits for MKs than challenges.
PA: I’m seeing many organizations shifting their ministry scope to better include parents. There is a movement to see parents more involved and equipped in the assisting of their children’s transition cross-culturally. Instead of just having the “caregivers” or “experts” teach their kids about transitions, MK care departments are realizing how important equipping mom and dad is. In other words, it’s building up the greenhouse that is the nuclear family unit. We are finding ourselves wanting to create a consistent and succinct language around cross-cultural transition topics and elements between caregivers, MKs and parents. We see that it is more valuable for MKs long term when we choose to come alongside the whole family. In the organization that I serve with, this shift has started, and we are looking at many changes to improve and implement this ministry philosophy.
SROB: Sadly, in the last few years I’ve also seen the pendulum begin its return to less proactive member care for both MKs and adults. I’ve seen adverse reactions to potential missionaries choosing one organization over another because they chose to go where children were valued and trained.
PA: I believe the newer generations of missionaries arenot the same as they once were. Younger missionaries arecoming from a childhood where they were supportedunlike the generations before them. They grew up in theage of helicopter parents and the rise of customer serviceas king. As Sheryl said, many young missionaries nowchoose organizations to serve with based on how wellthey feel supported, equipped, heard, and loved. Ifmember care is not happening for them or if they are notallowed to have a voice, it’s an issue. This is not howmissionaries tended to operate coming out of World WarII when many mission organizations were birthed. Theywere often modeled after military infrastructure andmindset. Missionary training was often called “boot camp,” you came back for “furlough,” you were “debriefed” by the leadership, and you were expected tofall in line with the authority of your leaders. That is not tosay that this is all bad, but it is not the language of 20- and30-somethings today.
SROB: The major problems facing MK caregivers todayvary from field to office. That being said, I think afoundational, age-old problem is money. Betweenchanges in giving habits of the American population, anunderstanding of supported missionaries (includinghome office staff), and economic downturns, moneypushes the pendulum away from MK member care (andproactive member care for adults, too.) If something getscut, it’s usually the MK program. And it’s oftenaccompanied by the caveat that “Kids are resilient. They’llbe fine.” It may be a truth in the short run, but there areoften long-term consequences.
LSW: One major change is that member care now hasformal degree programs. It would be great to see aspecific degree program extend to the specific area of MKcare. MK Caregiver training is now available. Having moreof a network of MK and Member Caregivers can provide agreater scope of care beyond what any particular missioncan provide. It also allows for more training, sharing ofresources, and encouragement, especially for smallermission agencies that often have limited budget andpersonnel.
SROB: There may or may not be a college course of study one can follow to become an MK caregiver. However,there are important skills that caregivers need to develop.Being a self-starter, a life-long learner, and a curious listener as well as thinking outside the proverbial box in order to apply learning from different areas, to make dollars stretch so they scream in agony, and staying as relevant as possible to families, administration, and TCKs are also important skills MK caregivers should develop.
BT: Another change is that an increasing percentage of TCKs are growing up in an urban setting. Missiological strategies are targeting these settings. Additionally, parents today expect their kids to have access to quality education and experiences best afforded at larger international schools. I’m finding I need to retool the stories I tell and assumptions I make about the values of the MKs with whom I’m interacting. It’s shocking to me how many MKs have limited ability to converse in the languages of their host country. What’s truly heartbreaking to me, personally, is how few true relationships MKs have with those outside their expat community.
From Pete Ammerman
TS: One challenge for me as an MK caregiver now is choosing which platform to use to connect with MKs and TCKs. I sit at my desk and ponder for a minute if I should send an email, text, Whatsapp, DM on Instagram or use Facebook messenger. Of course, it is much easier to connect with MKs and TCKs and for that I'm grateful and willing to use new technology tools. I just wonder what's next?
LSW: Technology and internet have greatly improved a caregivers’ ability to connect, communicate, and resource MKs regardless of their location. However, it can also give a false sense of connection and relationship, especially if there hasn’t been much F2F (face-to-face) connection.
From Bret Taylor
JB: “What are three of your favorite MK/TCK resources?” I know there will be some overlap on these, but I know that other caregivers will really appreciate your input on this—especially those who are new to their position.
SROB: Yikes! I’m going to start with some books! Without sounding like an advertisement … Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds (first and third editions) by David Pollock, Ruth Van Reken, and Michael Pollock is my top resource. It is the foundational work especially for caregivers. Even when I know things, it’s a good refresher. It’s also an easy thing to refer others to, but I’ll bet everyone has it on their list.
LSW: She’s right! It is the top resource on my list (especially some aspects of the second edition and some aspects of third edition!). Another book I really like is Finding Home: Third Culture Kids in the World by Rachel Pieh Jones (editor).
BT: Yes, the TCK book is on the top of my list too! For me, it’s the foundational piece on which all other material on the subject finds its roots. Another resource that’s high on my list is I Have to Be Perfect: and Other Parsonage Heresies by Tim Sanford. This book does a beautiful job of unmasking the secret chains that control so many MKs. When I explain these lies to MKs, I've seen God bring freedom to their lives and an invisible weight lifted.
SROB: I agree with Bret. This book has been around now for about ten years. I still believe, however, that it is by far the best resources to discuss the particulars of perfectionism for kids raised in a ministry household. There are so many books that help MKs, but this one hits this topic like no other.
TS: As Bret said, this book is a must-read for all college and adult TCKs who have believed holy heresies and need to find their way back to the truth. I give this book away and use it as prizes at events. I believe every TCK should read it.
BT: I’ve got another book to add to the list. It’s Safe Passages by Doug Ota. I love the vision and practical approach this book takes to what a flow of care looks like in international schools. Some of the models it presents are very useful in helping to visual the complexities of care in a highly mobile community.
TS: A book I’ll add to the list is Third Culture Kids: A Gift to Care For by Ulrika Ernvik. It is a real gift to MK caregivers because it is full of hands-on ideas and activities to help TCKs process and integrate their experiences. I’ve used some of the activities myself when I work with TCKs. I recommend this book to parents and other caregivers.
LSW: I’d like to shift things a bit and talk about some books for kids or that can be used with kids. Here are three books that I really like: Little Blue and Little Yellow by Leo Lionni, (Scholastic, 1993), A Color of His Own by Leo Lionni, (Knopf Books for Young Readers, 2006) and Grandfather’s Journey by Allen Say (Sandpiper, 2008).
TS: Another book for kids that I really love is Swirly by Sara Saunders. This book is a must-read for TCKs of all ages. It helps them understand the benefits and challenges of being a TCK and that Jesus understands because he is a TCK too. This book is a great intro book to read with kids to help them understand being a TCK. I’ve used it with all ages of TCKs in one-on-one debriefings or in a group setting.
PA: Let’s shift things a bit and talk about programs and other resources. An organization that I like is Axis(axis.org). They have been growing in recent years. They help adults (i.e. parents, caregivers, teachers, etc.)navigate today's culture and connect with teen through meaningful conversations. They produce many resources, but my favorite is their “conversation guides” for parents called Teen Cultural Translation and Parent Guides. They give parents tools to help foster healthy conversation with their kids around challenging subject. I have also used their video series on Anxiety and found it very helpful when working with MKs.
LSW: I’m not sure where this goes, but this a resource I really like. It is the TCK TED talk by Diego Meneses. He is a sixth grade TCK who explains what it is like to be a TCK. (YouTube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=_o_r6FQVmxY&t=67s).
PA: Reentry Programs/Transition Seminars are not new. Some of them have been running programs for 30+years. In my opinion, these programs are one of the most important investments parents and can make for their high school or college age child. The programs run by organizations like Interaction International, Narramore Christian Foundations, Barnabas International give MKs an incredible jump start to their reentry to the U.S. They give them incredible tools to process their story and transition. They give the gift of a transition-minded community made up of new friends in the U.S. that understand what they are going through. It also gives them a chance to connect with therapists and counselors who “get it” in a safe and comfortable way.These programs are designed specifically to meet these MKs right where they are at and give them incredible support at a uniquely challenging time.
TS: Interaction International provides training, programsand advocacy for third-culture kids and internationallymobile families. As a MK Caregiver I have benefited fromInteraction's webinars and resources on TCKs andrecommend their programs to TCKs and their families. Asthe Director of MuKappa, I would say my favoriteresource is MuKappa! It is an organization for collegestudents who have grown up in a cross-cultural setting.It is a great way for students to find belonging, friendsand transition help on their campus.
JB: What are three of your favorite resources as a caregiver?
SROB: I’m not sure which category this fits into, but I think it belongs here. There are two conferences that are important for caregivers: MKCS (MK Care Summit) and MKES (MK Education Summit). These two conferences hit the two sides of the MK Care coin—care and education. They introduce you to the most important resources you can ever draw upon—other MK/member caregivers. When I get stumped, the friends I’ve developed from these two conferences come to my rescue with resource recommendations and introductions to other people who can help. The information at the conferences is top notch, but the relationships are most important.
LSW: There are a few other resources that I’ve used with our MKs or that would be helpful to other caregivers. One book that is helpful for caregivers is My Mixed Emotions: Help Your Kids Handle Their Feelings by Elinor Greenwood, (DK Publishing, 2018). Another book for caregivers is Arrivals, Departures, and the Adventures In- Between by Christopher O’Shaughnessy, (Summertime Publishing, 2014). A great resource for MKs is Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen, (Grief Watch, 5th Edition, 2005). I’ve also used the movie Inside Out, (Disney/Pixar, 2015).
TS: Michele Phoenix has a plethora of resources on her website (https://michelephoenix.com/) on a variety of topics related to the MK world. Besides reading her articles, watching her videos and listening to her podcast myself to gain more insight, I recommend these resources to TCKs and to people who work with them.
SROB: TCKs are one of the greatest resources for TCK work. For the most part, they love to help. They love to help people understand their experiences and the environments in which they grew up. They love to tell their stories. They love to pay it forward to the generation of TCKs coming behind them. I’ve learned so much from listening. If you know TCKs, this is where that curious listening comes into play. Ask good questions. Be surprised by their answers. They know their people group. Don’t waste that knowledge. A good book for caregivers is The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan. I’m not good at rest (a true Sabbath), but I need to be. This is one of the few books I can reread, let alone reread and be convicted of my need for rest. Can I add the beach or a hot tub to the list?
BIOS
Pete Ammerman
has worked with MKs since 2010 and serves with Ethnos360 providing member care (training, services, equipping and support) for their MKs and families around the globe. Each year he serves with Narramore Christian Foundation to staff their MK Reentry Program, and this year served on Interaction’s Transition Seminar staff. He has also served on the steering committee for MKCS.
Sheryl O’Bryan
began her work with TCKs at the International Christian Academy in Cote d'Ivoire. During her time there she taught high school English and Social Studies as well as elementary French. She also served in the dorms and in various administrative positions. After leaving ICA, she spent 16 years at her organization's headquarters as the TCK Caregiver and Education Consultant. Sheryl currently serves with Interaction International wearing a variety of hats in her role as Director of TCK Services. She has also served on the steering committee for MKCS.
Tammy Sharp
is a TCK who was born and raised in Brazil where her parents served as teachers / administrators. After receiving her degree from Wheaton College, she became a history teacher in Alaska, and later returned to teach in Brazil. After finishing her Master’s degree in Education, she began work at a missions agency serving TCKs. From there, Tammy joined Barnabas International in 2017 and became the Director of MuKappa (mukappa.org) in the summer of 2019. She has also served on the steering committee for MKCS.
Bret Taylor
has worked with MKs since 1999. Originally, he served with Christian Missionary Fellowship at West Nairobi School in Kenya. Later, he served with Wycliffe at JAARS. Presently, he serves with Interaction International as the Director of Operations and serves as lead staff on several of Interaction’s programs for MKs and MK Caregivers. He has also served on the steering committee for MKCS.
Lynda Shingledecker Wheeler
is an MK who grew up in Latin America and she returned to the mission field working with MKs and their families. She transitioned to working with college-age MKs developing resources as well as supporting and connecting them. Currently, she serves as the co-leader for Global TCK Care and Education for SIL and in TCK Care and Education and staff care in the Americas area. She has also served on the steering committee for MKCS.
Books Mentioned:
Swirly, Third Culture Kids, Rest of God, My Mixed Emotions, I Have to be Perfect, Safe Passage
